In my teens, I had a brief conversation with a much older man in a waiting room. I happened to mention that I find that how I relate to a situation is as or more important than the situation itself. That’s what shapes my experience. He seemed upset and said “Shut up until you are dry behind the ears”1. I took his advice and decided to not talk much about these things.
I know he was right in a few different ways.
THE REAL ADVICE
He shared that he had a serious illness, and he likely felt scared and vulnerable. I gave him unasked-for advice, as the enthusiastic teenager I was.
The essence of his advice for me is good, although I would phrase it differently: Don’t give unsolicited advice, it’s usually not what people want or need.
When we share something vulnerable, most of us just want to feel seen, heard, and loved. We are not asking for advice. Receiving advice can feel like a kick in the gut.
He was completely right, although the phrasing wasn’t as skilled as it could be. It’s up to me to rephrase it so it’s genuinely true, wise, and kind for me, and advice I can use for myself.
I DIDN’T TAKE MY OWN ADVICE
I didn’t take my own advice in that situation.
I allowed my wounded response to shut me up instead of relating to the situation in a more kind and wise way. I took it as a confirmation that I shouldn’t talk about these things, and in general, not say much.
I could see that it came from a wounded place in me, but that was not enough to change the course of how I responded to it.
This wound in me – to be not seen, not heard, not taken seriously, to not have anything worthwhile to share – was too challenging for me, and it’s still a theme in my life.
ON THE APPARENT TOPIC
On the topic of what I said to the guy, which is peripheral to what I just mentioned…
It’s often not easy for us to change how we relate to situations. Our system operates on habitual responses, and it’s easy to get caught in it. (These habitual responses are essential for us to be able to learn and function, and they also can make it more challenging to change.)
In that situation, I decided to talk about it in a more everyday language. I find it helpful to notice how we relate to situations and see if there is a more kind and constructive way to relate to it. One that brings in healing. That’s one aspect of it, but there is something more essential.
What’s more essential is my perception of the situation itself. That’s created by my own mind, it reflects my own biases and hangups, and it’s often created by unexamined assumptions. It’s good to notice it’s happening within my sense fields and within and as what I am, and it’s helpful to identify and examine any assumptions behind it and find what’s more true for me. That, in itself, shifts how I relate to it. I don’t need to work on relating to it differently, I can instead find a more true and kind story about the situation.
NOTES
(1) I had several similar experiences at the time. One woman in a bookstore seemed angry that I bought an anthology with Jungian essays about the shadow, she thought I was far too young to understand it although I understood it then about the same as I do now. A Norwegian teacher at the Tibetan center got angry when I shared my direct experience of tonglen, which was from within a context of oneness.