How does a lack of healthy boundaries affect physical health?
A friend asked this on social media a couple of days ago, and I responded with a few words about how my lack of boundaries towards my own perfectionism likely has played a role in my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).
That’s just one facet so I want to explore it in a bit more detail.
GOOD GIRL / GOOD BOY
A frequent informal observation from people in the CFS world – including often those in the medical profession specializing in CFS – is that “good girls” and “good boys” get CFS.
It certainly fits me.
I suspect being a good girl/boy has several sides to it.
Perfectionism
I have not had good boundaries towards my own perfectionism. I have put far more into my activities and tasks than most others, and have felt it was very important to do so.
For instance, as a student in Salt Lake City, I studied 1.5 times full time (mostly at a graduate level) and got straight As (often A+), and combined it with full time Zen practice as a resident at the Zen center, a job, and hikes in nature with friends from the Zen center. In my studies at the university, I would spend hours at the library reading literature outside of the curriculum because I was so passionate about learning. I read whatever studies and writings I could find on intentional communities, systems views, plasticity, EPS research, health psychology, environmental psychology, and much more. I partly was able to do this since daily meditation reduces the need for sleep, and I typically meditated 6-8 hours daily and more during retreats.
Before that, in Norway, I studied and practiced art often to the early morning, combined with reading a huge amount (Jung, Taoism, Buddhism, Christian Mysticism, deep ecology, philosophy), working for money, and studying full time at the university (where I also got top grades and mostly read literature in the library outside of the curriculum – about existential psychology, humanistic psychology, and so on).
My experience was that I loved it and did it because I was so passionate about it, which is true. And there was also a high degree of perfectionism there along with avoiding the pain and trauma in my system.
Saying a dishonest “yes”
I have also had a pattern of saying a dishonest “yes”.
I abandoned myself in Salt Lake City when I said “yes” to leave everything I had there – the Zen center, friends, my own graduate studies, work, nature I loved and felt profondly at home in – so I could support my wife in going to another state to do her graduate studies. It was profoundly traumatic to me. For months, I woke up in panic each morning over having left what so profundly felt like the right life path for me. For a year, I was also not allowed to work (applied for residency), so I burnt through all my savings that year. I felt profoundly off track, and have not really felt that I have found myself back on track since.
After a while, the marriage itself felt like being off track. She didn’t want to end it, so I again said a dishonest “yes” and stayed in it for far too long. This too deepened the sense of being off track and created deep ongoing stress in me.
Lack of boundaries towards perfectionism and shoulds in me
By being a good boy, I have overridden my own guidance and needs. I have not have good boundaries towards my own perfectionism and shoulds in me adopted from family and culture. I have been aware of all of this as it happened, but I was unable to go against it.
STRESSORS
A combination of stressors seem to set the stage for CFS, perhaps mainly…
(a) Physical stressors like an infection, mold and more. In my case, I had an Epstein-Barr virus infection prior to getting CFS, and when it returned strongly in my mid-thirties, I had lived with a strong pnemonia for months that my doctor didn’t want to treat. (She called it “walking pnemonia” because I, by a miracle, had been able to drag myself to her office 2 minutes down the road.) At the first onset, I lived in a basement with mold, and when it returned years later, I lived in a house in Oregon with mold. I also had different kinds of food intolerances the whole time.
(b) Psychological stressors. By saying a dishonest “yes”, I created a huge amount of ongoing stress for myself, and it has lasted for many years. Perfectionism, social anxiety, and more has also created ongoing stress.
CFS INVITES ME TO FIND MORE CLARITY
CFS invites me to examine all of this and find clarity and better boundaries.
It may appear that the boundaries are towards others, although what I find is that they are really towards my own perfectionism and shoulds. They are towards painful unexamined stories that parts of me hold as true.
I also find that clarity gives boundaries. I don’t need to try to have good boundaries so much, they come when I have more clarity about the stories and see where they are coming form, the painful effects of living as if they are true, and what’s more true for me than those stories.
INITIAL DRAFT
LK: How does a lack of healthy boundaries affect physical health?
Me: It has likely affected my health. I haven’t had healthy boundaries towards my own perfectionism so I have done way too much, and put too much even into smaller and less important tasks, which I suspect was one factor in getting CFS. (It seems it’s often “good girls / good boys” who get it.)
A friend of mine asked this on social media this morning, and that was my answer.
I want to explore it in a bit more detail.
LACK OF BOUNDARIES & CFS
For me, it has likely affected my health.
For instance, I haven’t had good boundaries towards my own perfectionism so I have done way too much, and put a lot even into smaller and less important tasks. I suspect this was one factor in developing CFS.
Another side of this is not being able to say “no”. If people ask, I rarely say no. (Although I do much more now, because of the CFS.) I also didn’t say “no” to a relationship I stayed in far longer than felt right to me, and which derailed me from what was most important to me. It’s not a stretch to assume this too may have contributed to getting CFS.
It seems it’s often “good girls” and “good boys” who get it, and I definetely fit that profile.
STABILIZING & HEALING FROM CFS
INITIAL NOTES
“How does a lack of “healthy” BOUNDARIES affect one’s physical health?”
It has likely affected my health. I haven’t had healthy boundaries towards my own perfectionism so I have done way too much, and put too much even into smaller and less important tasks, which I suspect was one factor in getting CFS. (It seems it’s often “good girls / good boys” who get it.)
……
Very driven, didn’t stop. Even used multiphasic sleep to reduce overall need for sleep with four hours a day. Art, reading, studies, meditation/prayer, etc.
In our village, we say “good enough”
perfectionism – to stay safe, be accepted,
….
A frequent informal observation from people in the CFS world – including often those who work in healthcare – is that “good girls” and “good boys” get CFS. It tends to be the ones who are perfectionists, say “yes” a lot, and possibly override their own needs to do what’s expected of them and what others want.
I have certainly been like that. I have not have good boundaries towards others in that area, and also not toward my own perfectionism.
…..