Yesterday night and today, I have experienced a lot of brain fog and my system – mind, body, energies – feels disorganized and is swimming around.
So why not explore it? Why not follow it? Why not follow its guidance?
I sink into the sensations my mind calls brain fog and disorganization, I become it. I follow the movements in it.
I find a calm center in and as it. Being. Awakeness taking the forms of what’s here. (The sounds of the raindrops, the traffic in the distance, the tapping of the keys, the sight of the screen, hands, forearms, rain and wind outside, the sensations in the belly, the forehead, the shoulders.) There is awakeness taking all these forms. It’s free of thought, apart from the essentials to write these words. It seems, there is not much energy for thought, just the natural presence inherent in what I am and what the world is to me.
It’s a kind of low resting point. It’s what’s here when luxuries like thoughts are turned way down.
There is a natural resting in and as this, as what’s here. Awakeness taking these forms, including now the fingers tapping on the keyboard and the black lines appearing on this screen. Noticing that it is happening on its own, like the rain, the sounds, the sensations.
There is another sensation and an impulse to drink. The body reaches for the cup of tea and drinks. The sensations in the body change and feel more comfortable. It feels nourishing. This human self takes care of himself.
He feels more comfortable now, also because of this process. Earlier, he fought slightly with what he thought of as brain fog and disorganization. Something in him fought with it because it wanted something different for him. Now, with resting in and as it and following the movement within it, there is more of a sense of coming home, of returning to the home that’s always here. When I follow it, it guides me to myself, to the awakeness always here and that all happens within and as.
Here, there is an inherent clarity that takes all the forms that are here, including what he sometimes calls brain fog. Here, there is a calm that takes all the forms, including the sense of disorganization.
What parts of this human self would like to see be different is (also) a guide to my nature. It’s a reminder of my basic nature which is always here. There is a blessing in it.
Now, there is also an impulse to help shift it, and the impulse comes from another place. It comes from a place of enjoyment, slight joy, and wishing to care for this human self. It’s not something that needs to happen, it’s just where that slight joy moves. There is an impulse to do qigong since that helps him a lot. To eat quinoa – with spinach, tomatoes, sunflower seeds, feta chees, and olive oil – since that helps him a lot too. To rest for a while, since that also helps him a lot.
Thank you. Thank you life, for the wisdom in you. Thank you this human system, for the wisdom in you. Thank you for the guidance you offer me when I am curious about it and follow it. Thank you, life, for reminding me of this.
Why did and do I feel like this? It’s likely because of PEM (Post-Exertion Malaise). I have done more than I normally would to get the house ready for some guests who will stay a few days. The symptoms – brain fog and a sense of disorganization – are typical CFS/PEM symptoms for me when I do a little more than I normally would.
How has my relationship with it changed from before and after this process? Before, there was a slight identification with parts of me not wanting it to be here. There was fear coming up. What if it would stay like this? Now, there is a slight joy instead. I love the guidance inherent in it. I love that life brought up the impulse to explore it in this way. I love arriving home – to the awakeness that’s always here taking all these forms – in a more visceral way through the process.
As I write this, I am very aware of shifting from first to third-person wording for this human self and the doer and so on. The first person is a more common language. The third person is more accurate. So somehow, it feels natural to shift between them.
Note: This is a form of Process Work (Process Oriented Psychology), or at least what remains with me from it after first studying and practicing it for many years and then not.
Image is created by me and Midjourney