It’s morning, the sun is out, and I wish to do qigong in the sun.
I also notice what a thought may call resistance. A part of me has fear about it. So I thought I would explore it.
EXPLORATION & DIALOG
I notice where the fear is in my body. It’s in the chest, throat, solar plexus. A contraction, density, heaviness, with some tingling.
I notice a fear of going in, of connecting undistractedly with sensations, murmuring stressful thoughts. There is some identification with a part of me connected with these bodily sensations and murmuring and half-emerging words and images.
I connect with it. Rest with it.
You are allowed to be here. You are welcome. Stay as long as you wish. (I notice a part of me disagreeing with this.)
I connect with the part of me disagreeing. You are allowed to be here too.
Thank you for your love for me. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for wanting me to be safe.
What do you have to tell me? What are you protecting me from?
I notice a roar, a scream in fear.
Don’t do it. It’s dangerous to go in. You don’t know what you will find. Remember the immense fear that came up those years ago. It can be too much for you. I want to keep you safe.
I love you. I love that you want to keep me safe. Thank you.
What do you fear will happen?
He will be overwhelmed. He will collapse. He will get even more traumatized.
Thank you. I see you are concerned and want the best for him. You want to protect him.
What’s the worst that can happen?
He will be so overwhelmed he will collapse. He won’t be able to function.
Has that happened?
Yes and no. I did feel very overwhelmed some years ago, but he was able to take care of himself.
Even if he can’t, what will happen?
He has people in his life who can help him. Even the Norwegian government can help him, if he needs it.
What do you think realistically will happen if he does qigong this morning?
He will probably be OK. Some things may come up, as it does for him anyway, and he’ll have some challenging minutes, hours, or days, and then be fine again. Even when it happens, he is actually fine.
OK. Would it be OK for you to allow him to do qigong, and similar things, now and then?
Yes, he will be OK. It’s OK.
Realistically, he will be fine. Even the worst scenario is, in its way, OK.
SENSE FIELD EXPLORATIONS
I rest with the sensations. Notice that they are physical sensations.
I notice images. Me several years ago when the immense primal fear surfacing.
I rest with the image. I notice a slight contraction and density in my throat area. I rest with those sensations. I notice a contraction in the solar plexus. I rest with those sensations too.
I notice the sensations happen within space with no boundary. They are within infinite space. They are space taking the form of those sensations. I take time resting with that noticing.
I notice an image of my father with a concerned look. He says “people who go ‘in’ get weird, it’s not good”. (He told me this about therapy when I first mentioned I was going to study psychology.)
I rest with the image. I notice the space around the image, and that space takes the form of the image.
The density in the solar plexus is still here. I rest with the sensations. I notice space is taking the form of these sensations.
I notice space is taking the form of these sensations happening in space, and an overlay of a mental image of this body.
Is it dangerous to do qigong?
Yes, a part of me feels that way. A contraction in the solar plexus. (It’s not very strong, maybe 2 out of ten.)
I rest with the sensations in the solar plexus. It goes to a half. I notice it’s space. Awake space.
A BRIEF SCAN
I do a scan. I notice the sensations – with an overlay of images and words like solar plexus, arms, feet, neck – are awake space.
I open my eyes and notice the visual field is awake space.
I hear the sounds of the traffic in the distance and notice the sounds are awake space.
I notice the taste and smell that’s here, words say it’s mostly herbal tea. I notice the taste and smell is awake space.
CHECKING
Is it dangerous to do qigong?
Yes, it takes energy. He can collapse. It may be too much for him. (Because of the CFS and PEM.)
I notice sensations in the chest, a density and vibration. I rest with the sensations.
I notice density in the solar plexus and rest with that too.
Thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your love for me.
I love that you are here to protect me. (I can find that genuine love.)
SOME BACKGROUND
In my late teens and for most of my twenties, I loved “going in” metaphorically with tai chi, qigong, basic meditation, training stable attention, Heart Prayer, Christ meditation, tonglen, Taoist inner practices, and so on. I typically did it for hours each day. I loved it more than anything else, felt deeply at home, and was deeply fascinated by it.
Something happened in my late twenties when I left my clear inner guidance on a major life issue. When I turned “inward”, what met me was the inner guidance telling me what to do and the distress of not doing it. It became more difficult for me to continue this exploration, and I threw myself into community and sustainability work instead. (Which also was deeply rewarding.)
In my thirties, after leaving the geographic location where I was, I was again able to explore all of this and go deeply into it.
During the more recent dark night, starting roughly fifteen years ago, a huge amount of trauma and primal fear surfaced. This time too, it became difficult to “go in” since what met me was what felt like an overwhelming pain and fear.
Even now, I notice a fear of going into it. There is a fear of going in, although I still often do. So I thought I would explore this fear.
The enso is created by me and Midjourney