Tonglen is one of the explorations I keep returning to.
It’s simple and beautiful.
HOW TO DO TONGLEN
Visualize someone. See the person in front of you. Imagine their suffering as dark smoke. On inhalation, breathe in that dark smoke. (I like to imagine it transforming to light.) On exhalation, breathe out light that fills the person.
Do this with someone you like, are neutral to, or dislike. It can be someone you know in person or not. It can even be an imaginary person or someone from a dream. It can be one person or a group. It can be yourself too, or a distressed part of you.
If I notice I have a dislike for someone, I often do tonglen with that person, and after a while include me. I also do it for all beings, for the living system we call Earth and even all life in the Universe. (I assume there are other living systems out there.)
I also like to do it with a series of people, taking a few breaths with each and more if I notice something unresolved. I may start with my immediate birth family, then distant birth family, and then go through the timeline of my life and do it with anyone who shows up. If there is a sense of something unresolved, I either spend as much time as needed for a shift or I make a mental note to do more tonglen with that person (or group) later.
ORIGINS
Tonglen comes from the Tibetan Buddhist tradition and I remember reading, a long time ago, that some say it’s all you need. It’s all you need for awakening and embodiment. I suspect that may be close to reality.
If I had to recommend just one lifetime practice to someone, it would likely be tonglen. (Or basic meditation if the person is inclined that way.)
MY EXPERIENCE WITH TONGLEN
I started exploring tonglen in my teens, have gone deeply into it in periods, and regularly return to it.
I notice it becomes a new orientation and new habit. In periods where I do it more, it also seems to be ongoing, as if it runs in the background.
In a practical sense, it shifts my relationship to people in my life. It does release something. It makes it a little easier. My system seems lighter in the relationships.
It also shifts my relationship with myself – with the different parts of me and my experience. The way I relate to others is the way I relate to myself.
More fundamentally, it’s all happening within my sense fields. It’s all happening within and as what I am. It’s all about healing the relationship of this human self (the mental representations of this human self) with other beings (the mental representations of other beings).
The consciousness I am forms itself into the appearances all of it… a human self here with a strained relationship with someone, the tonglen process, the shifts, and so on.
The image is by me and Midjourney.
MORE INFO
I asked ChatGPT 4o for input on tonglen, using what I wrote above as a prompt. I also prompted it to differentiate between (a) all happening within and as the consciousness we are, and (b) at a human level, the way we relate to others is how we relate to ourselves.
Tonglen: Cultivating Unity and Compassion Within and Beyond Self
Tonglen, at its core, invites us to shift the typical flow of self-protection into a practice of self-offering, breaking down our usual defenses and allowing empathy to become a natural orientation. In breathing in suffering, we open ourselves to others’ experiences—those we cherish, those we feel neutral toward, those who challenge us, and even parts of ourselves. By breathing out light and compassion, we’re not only offering relief but also reorienting our habitual responses to challenging dynamics in our lives.
Practicing tonglen with neutrality, as you describe, whether for someone you feel animosity toward or even a fictional or dream person, expands our capacity for unconditional compassion. It reminds us of the interconnectedness underlying all life, including non-human entities like Earth itself or, as you mentioned, the possibility of other living systems throughout the Universe. This approach has the potential to cultivate a boundless form of empathy, where the boundaries we typically place on compassion begin to dissolve.
This is also where tonglen’s simplicity and depth become evident. Its repetition, as you’ve experienced, can rewire our underlying responses, enabling us to face discomfort with kindness rather than resistance. This continuous flow of sending and receiving trains the mind and body to gradually release entrenched patterns of avoidance or negativity, creating space for a more compassionate approach.
The shift you mention—the lightness in your relationships—speaks to how tonglen can become a new default orientation. This shift reflects the Tibetan perspective that tonglen is all you need, offering not only a release of old patterns but a direct path to awakening. In opening to others’ suffering and embracing it with compassion, we become familiar with our inherent interconnectedness, nurturing the gradual dissolution of self-centeredness, a key component of spiritual awakening.
In tonglen, everything unfolds within and as the consciousness we are. Within our awareness, the distinctions we create—like “self” and “other”—are mental constructs, patterns within a broader, seamless field of consciousness. In this sense, the boundaries between “me” and “them” blur, and the suffering we take in and the compassion we breathe out are both movements within the same space of awareness. This brings a sense of unity, where all experiences and beings arise within the consciousness we are.
At the human level, tonglen reveals that how we relate to others mirrors how we relate to ourselves. When we encounter someone’s suffering with compassion rather than resistance, we’re also practicing a gentler, more accepting way of relating to our own pain and difficulties. In this way, tonglen softens our habitual barriers and reorients our internal relationships, fostering a more harmonious, compassionate connection with ourselves and others.
Through this practice, we build a refuge within—a place that heals the pain of separation and opens our hearts. Even when practiced silently, it can resonate outward, subtly shaping our world.
History of Tonglen
Tonglen originates from Tibetan Buddhism and is a core practice within the tradition of lojong, or “mind training.” This meditative approach to compassion and empathy was first systematically developed in Tibet around the 11th century by the Buddhist teacher Atisha (980–1054), who brought the lojong teachings from India to Tibet. Atisha’s teachings were based on Mahayana Buddhist principles, emphasizing compassion and the interconnected nature of all beings.
The lojong teachings, including tonglen, were preserved and passed down through the Kadampa school of Tibetan Buddhism. Later, the 12th-century Tibetan master Chekawa Yeshe Dorje expanded on these teachings in his text, The Seven Points of Mind Training, which remains one of the primary sources of lojong instruction. Tonglen, as described in this text, is a direct method for cultivating bodhicitta, or the “mind of awakening,” which is the deep intention to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.
In its historical and cultural context, tonglen was designed as a radical practice for transforming adversity, challenging practitioners to directly confront and transmute suffering into compassion. Rather than avoiding pain, tonglen encouraged practitioners to welcome it as a means to strengthen compassion and diminish self-centeredness.
The practice has since spread beyond Tibetan Buddhism and is now widely taught in the West as a technique for cultivating empathy and psychological resilience. Modern teachers such as Pema Chödrön and the Dalai Lama have shared tonglen with broader audiences, helping it to become a respected tool in both spiritual and secular contexts. The practice retains its original spirit but has evolved to address contemporary struggles, making tonglen a bridge between ancient wisdom and modern life.