I thought I would list a few ways to think about others that make sense to me, seems aligned with reality, and can be transforming.
THEY ARE CONSCIOUSNES LIKE ME
In one sense, I am this human self in the world. That’s an assumption that works reasonably well, although it’s not what I fundamentally am.
When I look in my own first-person experience, I find I fundamentally am something else. I find I am what any experience happens within and as, including this human self, others, the wider world, states, thoughts, emotions, and so on. I am what a thought may call consciousness, and the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am.
Based on reports and what makes sense, I assume this is how it is for others as well. To themselves, they are fundamentally consciousness, and the world as it appears to them happens within and as the consciousness they are.
Whether we notice or not, we are fundamentally the same. It’s just the particulars of the bodymind that we function through that’s different. This shifts how I see others.
THEY MIRROR ME
Others and the world mirror me.
I can take any story I have about someone or something, turn it to myself, and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true. Most likely, I can even find how it’s true in the moment I have the thought about the other.
It may not look the same, but I can find the same dynamics.
We are in the same boat. They help me find more of my own richness. They help me relate to more sides of myself in a more conscious way.
HOW I SEE THEM SAYS MORE ABOUT ME THAN THEM
How I see others inevitably says more about me than them.
It says how I tend to perceive the world. It says something about what stories I hold onto as true. It may say something about my wounds, hangups, and traumas.
I don’t really know anything about anyone, and I have far from the full picture, so it doesn’t really say much if anything about them.
THEY HELP ME SEE MY HANGUPS
Others help me find my own hangups, wounds, traumas, and where I hold onto a fixed view to find safety.
Whenever I get stressed, it’s a good chance it’s because (my ideas about) life – often in the form of others – rubs up against a fixed view and identity in me.
THEY WANT THE SAME AS ME
They want the same as me. They want to avoid suffering, and they want to find contentment, happiness, connection, love, acceptance, alivness, a sense of being home, and so on.
We all want the same, whether we are an insect, bird, or human. We are the same in this.
THEIR WORLD IS AS RICH AS MINE
Their world and life is as rich as mine.
To them, their life is as rich as my life is to me.
WHAT I (THINK I) KNOW IS MINISCULE COMPARED TO WHAT I DON’T KNOW
What I think I know about someone, or about anything at all, is miniscule to what I don’t know.
With more information, I may see them in a very different way. It’s almost certain that I would.
So it’s worth holding my ideas about others – and myself, and anything in life – lightly.
MY THOUGTS ABOUT THEM ARE GUESSES
My thoughts about someone are guesses. They are provisional.
They are based on very limited information and a lot of questionable assumptions, biases, and so on.
They are something to hold very lightly and as questions only.
IF I KNEW MORE, I WOULD UNDERSTAND AND FIND EMPATHY
If I knew more about the other, judgments would give way for understanding and empathy.
I may not agree with their words and actions. In some cases, I may even want to stop some of their actions. And I would still have understanding and empathy.
IF I HAD THEIR BODY AND MIND, I WOULD BE LIKE THEM
If I had their body and psyche, just as it is, I would be like them. I would be them.
IF I HAD THEIR CONDITIONING, I WOULD BE MORE SIMILAR TO THEM
A softer way to say it is that if I had their biologial, psychological, and social conditioning – if I had the same influences as they have – I would likely be very similar to them.
If I had their ancestry and genetics, if I had their upbringing, if I lived in their culture and subculture, I would be very similar to them.
WE ARE ALL A PRODUCT OF OUR TIME AND PLACE
We are all a product of our time and place. I grew up in a reasonably well-educated middle-class family in Norway, went to University, and so on. My views are generally very predictable based on my background.
If I grew up in a small town in Siberia or Texas, my views and life would likely reflect that background.
IF I BELIEVED THE SAME STORIES AS THEM, I WOULD PERCEIVE AND LIVE LIKE THEM
If I believd the same set of stories as someone, I would perceive the world and live in the world much like them.
Most of us seem to believe some of the same universal and painful stories, partly because we live in a similar culture, and partly because we are human.
I know how painful it is for me, and I imagine it’s as painful for them.
(I happen to have tools to identify and question these stories, and most don’t which makes it even more difficult for them.)
THEY HAVE CHALLENGES LIKE ME
We all present a certain image to the world.
I do too, and I know very well that what’s going on here is far more than the different images I present to others and the world in different settings and circumstances.
That’s how it is for others too. They present a certain image to the world, and it’s just a small part of what’s going on.
They have their own challenges, just like me.
A SMALL KINDNESS CAN MEAN A LOT
Whenever someone is extra kind to me, I remember. It makes an impression, and it can mean a lot to me, especially on difficult days or in challenging periods of life.
A small kindness can mean a lot to others, as it does for me.
COLLECTIVE AND INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA
We all have our share of collective and integenerational trauma.
It’s inevitable from growing up in a family and living in a society and culture.
And the further over on the dominance side of the spectrum our culture is, the more trauma we likely have inhereted. (Unless we happen to grow up in an unusually healthy and conscious family, although even then there will be blindspots and some inhereted trauma.)
We are in the same boat here. We are all dealing with much of the same, and it’s not as personal as it may seem.
HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE
Hurt people hurt people.
If someone hurts others and themselves, it’s likely because they have been hurt.
They are reacting to and living out their own trauma. (And in the process possibly passing it on.)
I do this too. When I hurt others, it’s typically because I am hurt and I am unable to relate to it with kindness and awareness in the moment.
It doesn’t justify hurtful words and actions, but it can help us understand.
Here too, we are in the same boat.
WE ARE EXPRESSIONS OF THIS LIVING SYSTEM AND EXISTENCE
We are all temporary and local expressions of this living system and existence.
Everything we are and live has innumerable causes going back to beginning of time (if there is a beginning) and the widest extent of the universe (if there is a widest extent).
As Carl Sagan said: We are the universe bringing itself into consicousness. We are the local eyes, ears, thoguhts, and feelings of the universe.
We are fleeting and local expressions of the whole. What we see as personal is the fleeting and local expressions of the larger seamless whole we are part of.
We are existence – the universe, this living planet – fleetingly and locally expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself as and through us.
We are all part of this grand adventure.
WE ARE LOVE
The oneness I am is love. It’s a love independent of changing emotions and states. It’s the love of the left hand removing a splinter from the right. And the love we are can, and often is, covered up by hangups, wounds, hurt, and painful stories.
Here too, we are in the same boat.
NOT NEW BUT POWERFUL WHEN LIVED
None of these views or pointers are new or especially complicated.
It’s pretty simple. And they are also quite powerful and transforming when lived.
How is it to select one of these and stay with it for a few hours, days, or even weeks? How is it to live from it in daily life?
What’s missing from this list? Which ones are especially alive for and important to you?
MORE INFO
I prompted ChatGPT 4o with my initial notes on this, and asked it to elaborate. See below.
Ways to Think About Others to Foster Empathy and Understanding:
- Shared Nature as Conscious Beings
- We are all expressions of the same underlying consciousness or life force.
- Example: Just as waves on the ocean are unique but fundamentally water, we are distinct individuals but share the same essence.
- Perspective: This view helps us see others as part of a greater whole, reducing feelings of separation or superiority.
- Universal Desires for Well-Being
- Everyone wants to avoid pain and experience joy, connection, and meaning, even if their paths or choices differ from ours.
- Example: A stressed commuter cutting someone off in traffic may simply be trying to get home to their family, much like we might in a similar situation.
- Perspective: Recognizing shared desires fosters patience and compassion.
- “If I Were Them, I Would Be Them”
- Their actions make sense when we consider their history, upbringing, and circumstances.
- Example: A person who is quick to anger may have grown up in an environment where aggression was a survival mechanism.
- Perspective: This doesn’t excuse harmful behavior but helps us respond with understanding rather than judgment.
- The Role of Conditioning
- Just as our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are shaped by our biology and experiences, so are theirs.
- Example: Cultural norms and societal expectations can heavily influence someone’s actions, such as valuing individualism in the West versus community in the East.
- Perspective: Recognizing this helps us see people as products of systems and environments rather than inherently “good” or “bad.”
- Acknowledge the Rich Inner World
- Each person has an inner narrative as intricate and nuanced as ours, filled with hopes, fears, dreams, and struggles.
- Example: The quiet coworker who seems aloof might be wrestling with self-doubt or caring for a sick loved one at home.
- Perspective: Realizing the depth of others’ inner lives prevents us from reducing them to stereotypes or surface impressions.
- Everyone Carries Invisible Burdens
- People often struggle with challenges we cannot see, such as grief, illness, or insecurities.
- Example: A person snapping at us in line might be grieving a loss or enduring chronic pain.
- Perspective: Approaching others with the assumption that they might be facing hidden struggles encourages kindness and patience.
- They Are Doing the Best They Can
- Within the limits of their understanding, resources, and emotional state, people generally try to do their best.
- Example: Someone who seems lazy or disorganized may lack the tools or support they need, not the motivation.
- Perspective: Viewing others through this lens fosters acceptance and a desire to help rather than criticize.
- The Illusion of Separation
- The boundaries between “self” and “other” are often arbitrary and dissolve upon deeper reflection.
- Example: Actions that benefit others—like kindness or generosity—often benefit us as well through stronger relationships or a sense of fulfillment.
- Perspective: This interconnectedness reminds us that helping others is ultimately a way of helping ourselves.
- People Are Shaped by Their Stories
- We are all shaped by the narratives we tell ourselves about who we are, what we’ve experienced, and what matters to us.
- Example: Someone who values career success above all else might have grown up in poverty, making achievement a cornerstone of their identity.
- Perspective: Understanding these personal stories can deepen our empathy and open paths for meaningful connection.
- The Ripple Effect of Actions
- Each person influences the world around them, often in ways they may not even realize.
- Example: A kind smile or a rude comment can change the trajectory of someone’s day.
- Perspective: Remembering the impact of our actions on others fosters mindfulness and compassion in our interactions.
- Their Flaws Reflect Our Own
- Often, what we judge in others are traits we struggle to accept in ourselves.
- Example: Frustration at someone’s indecisiveness might stem from our discomfort with our own hesitations.
- Perspective: Seeing others as mirrors helps us approach their flaws—and our own—with greater kindness.
- The Power of Curiosity
- Instead of assuming we understand others, we can approach them with curiosity.
- Example: Asking someone about their perspective instead of assuming we know their motives can uncover surprising commonalities.
- Perspective: Curiosity replaces judgment with openness, deepening empathy and connection.
- We Are All a Work in Progress
- Everyone is learning, growing, and evolving at their own pace, just as we are.
- Example: Someone who seems rigid or set in their ways might surprise us with unexpected growth later in life.
- Perspective: Acknowledging this helps us hold space for others’ potential without forcing our timeline on them.
- “Hurt People Hurt People”
- Those who cause harm are often acting from their own pain, fear, or unhealed wounds.
- Example: A bully might be compensating for a sense of inadequacy or trauma.
- Perspective: Seeing this allows us to respond with compassion while maintaining healthy boundaries.
- The Universality of Mistakes
- Everyone makes mistakes, and those mistakes don’t define their worth.
- Example: We might forgive ourselves for snapping when stressed; extending the same grace to others strengthens empathy.
- Perspective: Recognizing our shared fallibility helps us approach others with humility.
- The Gift of Perspective
- Understanding others’ perspectives can enrich our own lives, broadening our understanding of the world.
- Example: Learning about someone’s cultural traditions might inspire us to see beauty in diversity.
- Perspective: Empathy is not just an act of kindness—it’s a doorway to growth and discovery.
Practical Exercises for Building Empathy:
- Practice Perspective-Taking: Imagine a day in someone else’s shoes, considering their challenges and joys.
- Listen Deeply: Set aside judgment and listen to someone with the intent to understand, not respond.
- Reflect on Commonality: In every interaction, remind yourself of your shared humanity.
- Engage in Loving-Kindness Meditation: Wish for others to be happy, healthy, and free from suffering, whether you know them or not.
- Journal About Encounters: Write about a difficult interaction and explore what might have driven the other person’s behavior.
These practices, combined with the perspectives above, create a solid foundation for cultivating lasting empathy and understanding in daily life.
MY INITIAL LIST
- some ways to think about others – that bring empathy and understanding / help me move out of my own narrow perspective / come from grounded kindness / are more aligned with reality / is a relief
- they are (very likely) consciousness just like me, just operating through another body and psyche
- they want the same as me, to avoid suffering and experience contentment, happiness, fulfillment, being alive
- if I had their full history – their body and mind shaped by the same factors – I would be them
- I am a product of my time and place, and so are they, I would likely be much like them if I lived in their situation and had their experiences
- their inner life is as rich as mine, I only see a tiny fragment and they are aware of and living a far richer life and reality, their world is as rich as mine
- they have challenges just like me, we are all living universal human experiences, and the universal experiences of a being in the world
- hurt people hurt people, if someone hurts others, it’s because they are hurt, it’s their confused and painful reaction to their own hurt, and that goes for me too when I hurt myself and others
- they mirror me, I can take any story I have about them, turn it to be about myself, and find specific and genuine examples of how it’s true, likely in the very moment I have the thought about them
- if I knew everything about them, judgment would very likely fall away and give way to deep compassion, understanding, and love
- the oneness I am is love, a love independent of fleeting states and emotions, a practical love like the left hand removing a splinter from the right, and it’s sometimes covered up by my own hangups, wounds, and pain, and it’s likely like that for them too
- if I believed the same stories as them, I would perceive and live much like them
- we likely operate from the same list of universal painful beliefs
- we are all temporary and local expressions of the living systems of this planet, we are eddies in a stream, we are the local eyes, ears, thoughts, and feelings of the universe
- what I know about someone is a few words and actions and my stories about these, and what they are is infinitely more than this
- how I see others says more about me than them
- they help me see my hangups, my wounds, beliefs, where my psyche is stuck in a perspective and identity (which is inherently uncomfortable)
- none of these are new or special insights, they are all pretty simple, and that’s good, essential insights and pointers are often simple, and at the same time transforming