I saw a video in my YouTube feed titled My ballot made me angry.
That’s a normal way to talk about it in our culture. We put the cause out there in others or the situation.
It’s also misleading and somewhat unfortunate.
I MAKE MYSELF ANGRY
If I get angry when I see my ballot, it’s not because the ballot made me angry. It’s just a piece of paper with some black scribbles on it. It doesn’t have that power. I make myself angry from the way I am thinking about it, and how I relate to those thoughts.
Where I imagine the cause reflects and influences how I relate to the anger and the situation.
In the first case, I imagine or pretend or – at the very least – talk as if the cause is out there in others or the situation. I may tell ourselves that my reaction is justified. They created it in me. They caused it. I easily go into the blame game. I may see myself as the victim of someone or something.
In the second case, I remind myself that this is something I create for myself. It’s easier to take responsibility for it. I notice there is a shift in how I relate to it. I remind myself that I have some control there. I am not a victim. It’s up to me.
LANGUAGE IS IMPORTANT
This is why language is important.
If I say “I made myself angry when I saw the ballot”, it’s a clear reminder to myself and others that I created it for myself. It’s difficult to go into the blame and victim game. It invites more reflection and a more sane and mature way to relate to it.
That goes for any reaction. I make myself sad, scared, depressed, and so on. I make myself feel overwhelmed. I make myself elated, joyful, and blissful. I even make myself fascinated, passionate, or fall in love.
Of course, this is not something I always do consciously or intentionally. Sometimes, it “just happens”. And yet, it’s created by me. It’s created by my psyche.
The stories I tell myself about something make it happen. In many cases, it’s the stories parts of my psyche tell themselves that make it happen.
CURIOSITY
This language of ownership does another thing, and that is to make me curious about what’s going on.
When I say “I made myself angry”, it brings up curiosity.
How did I make myself scared? What story did I tell myself?
Where did that story come from? (Family, culture, an experience?)
What consequences does that story have? How does it make me see the situation? What does it bring up in me? How does it make me see myself?
Is it true? What’s genuinely more true for me?
What’s the validity in the reversals of the story? Can I find genuine and specific examples of that validity?
A SIMPLE ENTRY
Just by changing my language, a lot else can shift as well.
How is it to use the “I made myself…” language in this situation? How is it to use it with myself, in how I talk with myself about it? How is it to use it with another, a witness?
What does it open up for?
What becomes easier? (Maybe to own my response and explore the stories I tell myself about it?)
What becomes more difficult? (Maybe to go into the blame and victim game?)
Does it feel vulnerable? What am I afraid would happen if I use this language? I am afraid to lose the opportunity to blame and be a victim? I am afraid to be more naked with myself and others?
A SMALL CHANGE WITH A SNOWBALL EFFECT
This is an example of a small change that can have a big cumulative effect.
If I use the blame language, it leads to a cycle of blame, victimhood, and more. It leads to feeling that I don’t have control. It distracts me from looking at myself and how I relate to situations and my thoughts.
If I use the ownership language, it leads to a cycle of owning my own reactions and exploring these. It leads me to feel there is some control here. It leads to more authenticity.
This small change is, quite literally, life changing.
HOW IT IS FOR ME
I don’t always use this language, but it is often in the back of my mind.
If I use the conventional language, I often notice and translate it to a more honest language for myself. I explore how it is to do it, at the very least for myself, and sometimes also with others.
For me, it’s easier to do it with others if I feel they are receptive, but I wish to explore doing it more in general. There is no good reason to not do it.