I am curious about the white / male / heterosexual / Christian etc. fragility we see in the Western world these days.
MY CONSCIOUS VIEW
On the surface, I can’t relate to it so much. I love Woke. I love inclusivity. It’s something that so clearly benefits all of us.
I want to live in a more inclusive society and culture because it means I am more likely to be included as well – with all my many sides and weirdnesses.
Also, it doesn’t cost anything. It doesn’t take anything away from me. It doesn’t in any way diminish me or my life. On the contrary, it enhances and enriches my life.
A more vibrant society makes my life more vibrant.
(In a more real sense, I am – of course – doing exactly what I see in others. I’ll come back to that later.)
WHY THIS FRAGILITY?
Why do we see this fragility? Why do some seem threatened by others being acknowledged, honored, and included?
Why is it so terrible to lift up and include those who have been marginalized?
Why do you act as if it costs you something? Why do you act as if you are somehow diminished by it?
ONE ANSWER: YOUR SELF-WORTH IS IDENTITY-BASED
One answer is what the quote above points to.
Maybe you wouldn’t feel so emasculated by feminism if your manhood was rooted in something other than oppressing women.
If you place your value and self-worth in certain identities, and in those being magically “better” than other identities, then I can understand it.
You see yourself as white / male / hetero / Christian / human and so on. You feel better because you imagine that white is better than non-white, male is better than female (or other genders), Christian is better than non-Christian, or human is better than non-human. So if society says that non-white / female / LGBT+ / non-Christian / non-human is as good, you feel threatened. You feel that your self-worth – built on imagination and fantasies – is threatened.
I am a man. I feel good about myself because men are better than women. If women are treated as equals, it means I can’t feel good about myself in this way anymore.
I am hetero. (At least, I tell myself that.) I feel good about myself because I am hetero, and being hetero is better than LGBT+. If LGBT+ people are included as equals, it means I can’t feel good about myself in this way anymore.
I am Christian. I feel good about myself because I am Christian and Christianity is better than other religions. If non-Christians are treated as equals, it means I can’t feel good about myself in this way anymore.
I am human. I feel good about myself because I am human and humans are better than other species. If all species have equal value, I can’t feel good about myself in this way anymore.
SELF-WORTH BASED ON A ZERO-SUM VIEW
This seems to come from a zero-sum view of life. If you win, I lose. If I win, it means you need to lose.
That’s a sad way to look at life, and it clearly doesn’t have to be that way. Life is not set up that way.
REQUIRES MENTAL GYMNASTICS
It also requires an impressive amount of mental gymnastics to (a) identify as something, (b) see that as superior, (c) make yourself upset because the idea of being superior is threatened, (d) continuously remind yourself of all of this and put energy into it, (e) avoid looking at and questioning these dynamics and see if it makes sense, and (f) avoid looking at more life-centered alternatives to finding self-worth.
PARENTAL LOVE
I suspect it may also come from a lack of genuine and accepting parental love.
Most of us in the Western culture are wounded here. We experienced conditional love, so we didn’t learn to fully love ourselves with all our different parts and experiences. That’s something we have to learn and discover in our own life, often as adults.
If we are unable to love ourselves – genuinely and fully, then one way to deal with it is to put ourselves above others based on whatever identity we can use, typically one that is supported by common ideas in our particular culture.
FINDING SELF-WORTH IN OTHER AND MORE LIFE-CENTERED WAYS
Why not find your self-worth in another way? In finding genuine love for yourself, the different parts of you, and your experience.
In being a part of a community of explorers, no matter what label we put on it? In being someone who loves, no matter who we love? In being a human? In being part of this amazing and beautiful web of life?
In just being? A baby has infinite worth independent of identities, so why not you?
OTHER ASPECTS AT PLAY
Of course, this is not the whole picture. There are other ways to understand why someone feels threatened by a more inclusive society. It may be unusual to them and they prefer status quo. They may be used to being privileged, and now they no longer are. They may be used to having certain out-groups to denigrade and put down, and now they feel they are no longer allowed to do that.
None of these are mutually exclusive, and several of them feed into each other and are expressions of the same underlying dynamics.
DIFFERENT CULTURES
This will obviously look different depending on what culture we happen to live in.
If my culture is pathriarchical and I am man, I can use my identity as a manly man to feel better about myself. If my culture is Christian and I happen to be Christian, I can use Christianity to feel better about myself. If my culture is heteronormative, I can use a hetero identity to feel better about myself. If my culture is anthropocentric, I can use an identity as a human to feel better about myself.
Similarly, if I live in a mainly Muslim culture, I can use my identity as a Muslim to feel better about myself, as long as non-Muslims are seen – and treated – as inferior.
COLLECTIVE TRAUMA & TRAUMA PASSED ON THROUGH THE GENERATIONS
This is all related to collective trauma and trauma passed on through the generations.
One form of collective trauma is the trauma many of us live with because we live and breathe this culture. Pathriarcy, heteronormacy, anthropocentrism, and so on, traumatize all of us, and are – in a very real sense – an expression of trauma. Trauma is what perpetuates it.
That’s also how it’s passed on. We learn from our parents and other we grow up with. These ideas and this trauma is passed on through the generations, until someone notices, relates to it more consciously, and is able to find some healing for it and another way of living.
AGRICULTURAL REVOLUTION
I suspect these dynamics also largely come from the agricultural revolution.
Before the agricultural revolution, we were all indigenous. We were all mostly equal with a mostly equal status. We couldn’t amass things or material wealth. We saw the sacred in all. We saw ourselves as part of the web of life.
With agriculture came the possibility for some to amass material wealth and we got material and social inequality. To justify this, we needed to create ideologies that probably seemed very strange at the time and are very familiar – and even ordinary – to us today. We saw ourselves as separate from nature. We found ways to justify social inequality and social hierarchies. We saw the sacred out there in the sky and a sky god. We saw men as better than women. Humans as better than non-humans. Humans as separate from nature. And so on.
We created a lot of dynamics to control people and society. (Including ideas of heaven and hell, rewards in the afterlife, and so on.) We created ideas of polarities, and that one end of the polarity is good and the other bad. (Human and nature, human and non-human, men and women, spirit and matter, heaven and hell, whites and non-whites, hetero and non-hetero, and so on.)
We used these polarities, and the idea that one end is better than the other, to control society and people. At an individual level, we have used it to feel better about ourselves, as outlined above.
HOW DO I DO THE SAME?
The question here is: How – and where and when – do I do the same?
If I see it in them, it’s because I recognize it from myself.
Where do I create an identity for myself, pretend it’s better than something else, and feel threatened by the idea that it may not be better?
I do it a lot, including on this topic. I see myself as more woke, inclusive, insightful, kind, and so on. I see it as better than the opposite, so it means I am better than them. A part of me feel threatened by the idea that it may not be inherently better. (It clearly is not. Our ideas of better and worse are our ideas, they are not inherent in reality.)
ZEN VOW
I am reminded of a Zen vow from the Fusatsu ceremony: I vow not to elevate myself or put others down.
For most of us, me included, this is impossible to do all the time and in all situations, and that’s fine. Since we live in this culture, we are programmed to elevating ourselves by putting others down, one way or another, and this program runs in us whether we consciously want it or not, and whether we notice or not.
The precept is there to help us notice when we are doing it, and find some curiosity about it. When do I do it? What’s behind it? What do I hope to get out of it? What are the alternatives? Can I give to myself what I hope to get out of it in another way?
MORE INFO
I prompted ChatGPT 4o with this article (the first half first, then the full). See below for the responses.
Input About the Article
Your article raises essential questions about inclusivity and identity, particularly the tension some feel toward social changes aimed at greater equality. Here are some reflections that might help broaden the conversation:
- Does it make sense?
Absolutely. Your piece eloquently captures the confusion and sadness over why inclusivity can provoke fear and defensiveness. The point that inclusivity enriches rather than diminishes is compelling, especially as it taps into the idea that openness and acceptance can bring vibrant diversity into our lives. - Do others see it this way?
Many people who support inclusivity share your view that social progress benefits everyone and creates a healthier, more vibrant society. However, not everyone resonates with the idea that inclusivity is non-threatening. Some may feel their identities are tied to hierarchies that they fear are being dismantled. While your perspective is empathetic, others see the change as a challenge to long-held beliefs about roles, values, and even morality, which can make it hard for them to feel safe in an evolving society. - Are there other ways to see it?
Here are a few alternative perspectives:- Fear of Change and Uncertainty: Some see this fragility as stemming from an aversion to uncertainty. When society’s norms shift, it can feel as if the ground beneath one’s feet is shaky. People may cling to familiar identities, not necessarily because they consciously view others as “less than,” but because they fear the personal and social change these shifts could demand.
- Economic Concerns: Some feel that inclusivity movements might overshadow or ignore their own challenges. For example, certain groups may fear economic decline, job loss, or reduced social mobility, mistakenly attributing these to diversity efforts instead of broader systemic issues.
- Identity-Based Self-Worth: Your piece touches on how fragile identities can lead to defensiveness. This resonates with research in psychology, suggesting that some people feel validated when their identity group is seen as superior. When that status is challenged, they may feel as though they’ve lost a part of themselves.
- Impact of Collective Trauma and Generational Insecurity: Many in positions of privilege may carry inherited beliefs about needing to maintain their “place” in society. This often traces back to ancestral struggles for survival, particularly in communities where economic or social status was hard-won. Collective trauma may reinforce these patterns, making it hard for some to embrace changes that challenge ingrained notions of superiority.
- Exploring Self-Worth and Growth
Your article’s closing suggestion about finding self-worth internally rather than through comparison is a powerful alternative. By fostering a self-worth that isn’t contingent on external hierarchies, people may feel more secure and open to inclusivity. Perhaps adding more examples of how people have successfully moved from this “zero-sum” view to a more inclusive worldview would give readers practical ways to reflect and grow.
In conclusion, your article provides a meaningful, thought-provoking perspective. By acknowledging these other factors, you might deepen its impact and make it resonate with readers from diverse backgrounds, helping them see themselves in the text—even if they don’t initially agree.
Another Look at These Themes
Your article explores ideas about inclusivity, identity, and how social hierarchies have shaped our sense of self-worth. Building on these themes, let’s take a look at other angles and examples to deepen the conversation.
A Look at Fragilie Social Identities
When we look at “fragility” – specifically white, male, heterosexual, Christian fragility – we’re seeing reactions that range from resistance to defensiveness and even anger at the prospect of inclusivity. For those who support inclusivity, it’s puzzling because, as you point out, inclusivity enriches society. Why, then, is it so hard for some to accept?
This fragility can be understood by examining the sources of self-worth and belonging in identity, as well as in the societal norms that have historically rewarded certain groups over others.
Zero-Sum Thinking and Loss of Privilege
Some reactions stem from a zero-sum view of society, where gains for one group mean losses for another. This mindset interprets progress in social justice – women’s rights, racial equality, LGBTQ+ inclusion – as a threat to the status of dominant groups. If people’s self-worth is tied to their membership in these dominant groups, then anything that elevates others can feel like a demotion.
For instance, someone might think: “If women achieve equal status, will my sense of masculinity lose value? If people from diverse backgrounds achieve visibility and respect, will my identity become less special?” This zero-sum thinking overlooks that society’s growth isn’t a fixed pie; more opportunities for some don’t require fewer opportunities for others. But for those accustomed to being centered, sharing space can feel like losing it.
Fragility in Action: Microaggressions and Pushback
This fragility often manifests in subtle behaviors or “microaggressions,” small comments or actions that reveal unconscious biases. For instance, when a colleague is dismissive of another’s achievements or attributes success to “diversity quotas,” it shows the underlying belief that the status quo has been disturbed. Microaggressions are defense mechanisms, tiny ways to reassert the old balance of power.
At the macro level, we see this in policies resisting diversity initiatives. Some institutions, once open to change, pull back, fearing that diversity might compromise “quality” or “tradition.” Fragility can thus lead to active resistance against inclusivity, sometimes under the guise of preserving standards or protecting cultural norms.
Historical Roots: Identity and Superiority Narratives
Your piece alludes to the agricultural revolution, a profound historical shift that changed how we viewed social hierarchies. Before agriculture, societies were largely egalitarian, with minimal accumulation of wealth. However, the agricultural revolution enabled wealth accumulation and hierarchies that needed justifying. Religion and philosophy offered narratives that reinforced these hierarchies, embedding superiority into race, gender, and religious structures.
These narratives evolved over centuries, so today, many people unknowingly internalize superiority beliefs that emerged from ancient social structures. Fragility, then, is partly an inheritance of history, where dominant identities were enshrined in culture, law, and belief systems. Shifting these narratives challenges people to redefine their place in society without those historical reinforcements.
Parental Love and Self-Acceptance
As you suggest, our identities are often influenced by early experiences of love and acceptance. When individuals lack a foundation of unconditional love, they may seek validation by elevating one part of their identity. If being male or Christian or white brought praise, safety, or privileges, then those aspects might become central to their self-worth. Inclusivity feels threatening because it shakes the foundation they’ve depended on for validation.
Conversely, individuals who grew up with strong support often exhibit less resistance to inclusivity. They don’t need the same external validation because their self-worth is grounded in something deeper – in who they are, not in who they need to feel “better than.”
Alternative Sources of Self-Worth
If our identities weren’t defined by superiority or exclusivity, where would we find self-worth?
One answer is finding meaning in our contributions to society, rather than in our social identity. People who root their self-worth in community work, creativity, kindness, or relationships tend to feel less threatened by inclusivity. They understand that a thriving, diverse society enhances everyone’s experience – theirs included. They see themselves not as “better than” but as part of a beautiful, interconnected web of people who bring unique gifts and strengths.
Interrogating Our Own Inclusivity Bias
There’s also an opportunity here for self-reflection. Inclusivity supporters, like everyone, can create hierarchies, viewing themselves as “better” for being more progressive or open-minded. This inclination to feel “better than” those who resist change can sometimes perpetuate a subtle exclusivity of its own. Even the most well-meaning person can fall into a trap of thinking their perspective is superior, when true inclusivity means valuing all voices – even those resistant to change.
How Culture Shapes Our Identities
Culture plays a huge role in shaping our identities. In a predominantly Christian culture, for example, individuals may feel that their religious identity is what makes them “good” or “better.” In a different context, such as a primarily Muslim or Hindu society, those with a similar need for superiority might align their self-worth with their religious majority status. The need to feel superior is a cultural shape-shifter – wherever there is a majority identity, some individuals will use it to claim higher status.
Toward a More Inclusive Society
As society becomes more inclusive, people are encouraged to question inherited hierarchies and embrace a new way of relating to others. Inclusivity isn’t about taking away anyone’s sense of self; it’s about helping everyone discover their worth without needing to compare or feel superior. When people learn to find validation within, society becomes not only more inclusive but also more resilient, as individuals feel valued simply for being themselves.
In a truly inclusive world, we’re able to value each other for our differences rather than using those differences as reasons to assert superiority. It’s a world where we find strength and resilience not by putting others down but by lifting each other up. Inclusivity, far from costing anything, offers an endless source of enrichment for all.
By examining these dynamics – zero-sum thinking, historical patterns, self-worth rooted in identity, and cultural influences – we can better understand why fragility persists. More importantly, we can open up pathways to inclusive self-worth and resilience, benefiting both individuals and society as a whole.
Finding Self-Worth in a More Life-Centered Way
Finding a life-centered sense of self-worth, one that doesn’t rely on comparing ourselves to others or putting them down, often involves reorienting from external validation to a deeper, internal sense of purpose, connection, and compassion. Here are some ways to cultivate this:
1. Shift from Comparison to Connection
- Recognize Interdependence: Cultivate an awareness that we’re all part of a larger ecosystem. Realizing how interconnected we are with other people, other species, and the environment can foster a sense of shared worth. Practices like spending time in nature or volunteering can nurture this connection and shift focus away from self vs. others.
- Embrace Compassion: Compassion is a profound bridge between self and others. When we empathize with others, we realize our own worth isn’t diminished by their struggles or successes. Compassion-based meditations, like loving-kindness (metta) meditation, can help foster this non-competitive sense of value.
2. Discover Meaning in Contribution, Not Status
- Focus on Service: A life-centered sense of self-worth often emerges through helping others or contributing to the world in meaningful ways. This doesn’t require grand gestures; small acts of kindness, support, and generosity can reinforce the feeling that our lives have inherent value.
- Redefine Success: Instead of seeing success as individual accomplishment, reframe it as our ability to create positive impact. When we orient success around contributing to the world, we find fulfillment in our relationships, creativity, kindness, and the ways we improve others’ lives.
3. Ground Self-Worth in Self-Acceptance
- Practice Self-Compassion: Learn to accept yourself fully, including both strengths and imperfections. Self-compassion practices, like acknowledging mistakes without harsh judgment, can help us feel more centered in our own worth, freeing us from needing to feel “better than” others.
- Embrace Vulnerability: Accepting our own vulnerabilities makes it easier to connect with others authentically and reduces the need for superiority. When we acknowledge our own imperfections, we’re less inclined to judge others’ flaws and more likely to recognize shared humanity.
4. Explore Life-Centered Philosophies and Spiritual Practices
- Adopt a Bigger Perspective: Engaging with philosophical or spiritual traditions that emphasize interdependence, such as deep ecology or the idea of “oneness” in spiritual practices, can reinforce a broader perspective on our role in life. These frameworks help us see ourselves as valuable, not because of any specific characteristic, but because we are part of a larger, interconnected whole.
- Practice Mindfulness and Presence: Mindfulness helps anchor us in the present moment, reducing the need to cling to specific identities or achievements for self-worth. When we practice mindfulness, we start to see our intrinsic value simply in existing, not in outperforming others.
5. Reflect on Self-Worth Beyond Social Labels
- Cultivate Inner Qualities: Focus on qualities like kindness, resilience, creativity, curiosity, and open-mindedness as sources of self-worth. These traits are inherently rewarding and help create a strong inner foundation that isn’t swayed by social hierarchies.
- See Yourself as Part of a Living System: Developing a life-centered identity involves seeing oneself as part of the larger story of life on Earth, where all beings are valuable. Indigenous philosophies often view individuals as an integral part of the Earth’s systems, where worth comes from fulfilling our unique role within the greater whole, not from competing against others.
6. Celebrate Growth and Learning over Fixed Identities
- Adopt a Growth Mindset: Emphasize learning and personal growth over fixed labels or accomplishments. When we view life as an opportunity for continuous improvement, we’re less attached to external validation. Growth mindsets shift our self-worth from “who I am” to “how I grow and adapt,” fostering self-acceptance that doesn’t hinge on others’ approval.
- Value Experiences over Achievements: Value the journey itself and the lessons it brings. When we see life as a process, we’re less likely to measure ourselves against others and more inclined to appreciate the unique path we’re on, cultivating an inherent sense of worth.
Summary
Finding a life-centered sense of self-worth involves shifting from external validation to inner acceptance, focusing on compassion, interconnectedness, and the joy of being part of something larger than ourselves. When we anchor our self-worth in our inherent value as part of the web of life, we become less vulnerable to insecurity and more open to contributing meaningfully to the world.
Building a Life-Centered Sense of Self-Worth: A Conservative Approach
1. Focus on Service to Family and Community
Be a Pillar of Support: Take pride in being reliable and supportive within your family and community. Helping others and being there for loved ones can foster a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment that strengthens personal worth without needing to compare to others.
Embrace Roles of Responsibility: Emphasizing responsibility within traditional roles, such as mentorship, parenthood, or community service, can provide a sense of worth that’s rooted in positively impacting others.
2. Find Meaning in Faith and Spirituality
Cultivate a Faith-Based Identity: Draw self-worth from your relationship with faith or religious values, which often encourage humility, kindness, and service. Many religious traditions promote an intrinsic value in all people, which helps us see ourselves as valuable and loved without needing to put others down.
Practice Gratitude and Humility: Faith can provide a strong foundation for gratitude. Practicing gratitude daily can help develop an inner sense of worth, rooted in appreciating what you have, who you are, and the role you play in God’s or a higher power’s plan.
3. Uphold Traditional Values of Integrity and Respect
Focus on Integrity and Hard Work: Taking pride in living with integrity, honesty, and hard work fosters self-respect. When self-worth is tied to upholding personal values rather than comparison, it becomes a source of inner stability and pride.
Honor Traditions and Heritage: Finding pride in cultural or family heritage can reinforce a sense of worth tied to long-standing values and history. By honoring these traditions, you connect to a larger legacy that doesn’t rely on feeling “better than” others.
4. Strengthen Community Connections and Friendships
Invest in Deep Relationships: Relationships built on respect, trust, and mutual support can provide a strong sense of belonging. Feeling valued by others based on shared experiences and community ties can help create self-worth that doesn’t depend on external achievements.
Volunteer Locally: Contributing to the local community, whether through service organizations, church groups, or other charitable work, is a way to see one’s value in action. This shifts the focus from individual status to collective well-being.
5. Celebrate Personal Growth and Lifelong Learning
Adopt a Mindset of Self-Improvement: Cultivate self-worth through a dedication to personal growth. Emphasizing self-discipline, learning, and continuous improvement provides a sense of value based on progress, not position.
Learn Skills that Help Others: Developing skills that allow you to help others, like practical skills for home, car, finances, or health, reinforces a sense of being valuable to others.
6. Look to Role Models in History and Community
Seek Inspiration from Traditional Role Models: Draw inspiration from historical or family role models known for virtues like courage, generosity, or integrity. Emulating positive traits of admired figures provides a solid foundation for self-worth, grounded in values rather than comparison.
Mentorship and Guidance: Taking on a role as a mentor within your family, workplace, or community provides a way to contribute positively and see your value through the impact you have on others’ lives.
7. Focus on Stewardship and Responsibility
Embrace Stewardship of Resources: Caring for family resources, property, or the natural environment can be a way to build self-worth through responsible, careful stewardship. This approach reinforces a sense of value in preserving and enhancing what has been entrusted to you.
See Yourself as a Protector: In the traditional role of protector, self-worth comes from ensuring the well-being and safety of others, whether family members, friends, or community. This role fosters a healthy pride rooted in positive action rather than competition.
8. Find Identity in Strengthening Values, Not Belittling Others
Redefine Strength as Inner Strength: Emphasizing resilience, emotional strength, and adaptability over social dominance builds a self-worth that’s stable, enduring, and independent of others’ views.
Embrace the Value of Respect: Fostering respect for others’ different backgrounds or opinions can strengthen one’s own sense of self-worth, as it aligns with values of honor and integrity without the need to feel “better than” anyone else.
9. Engage in Quiet, Reflective Practices
Practice Self-Reflection: Taking time for reflection, whether through prayer, meditation, or journaling, allows for introspection and helps uncover a sense of worth from within, centered on who you are rather than what you achieve or what others think.
Reflect on the Legacy You Want to Leave: Focus on the legacy you’d like to leave behind – a positive impact on family, community, or faith. Thinking about how you’d like to be remembered reinforces self-worth tied to positive influence and values rather than competition or hierarchy.
10. Value Tradition Without Becoming Overly Attached to It
Appreciate Tradition with an Open Mind: Recognize the value of tradition but remain open to growth and adaptation. Embracing timeless values while being receptive to positive change allows for a flexible self-worth that can adapt as society evolves without feeling threatened.
These approaches honor conservative values while helping cultivate a life-centered sense of self-worth. By focusing on meaningful contributions, integrity, faith, and responsibility, self-worth becomes more resilient, fulfilling, and less reliant on social hierarchies.