How do I experience the world of experience? The sense fields?
It’s a little difficult to put into words, but here is one way to do it.
SEAMLESS
I experience it as seamless, as one whole. The sensations of my legs on the sofa, the sight of the trees, the sound of the music, the warmth of the body, the sounds of the clicking of the keys, the taste of the delicious fruit salad for breakfast, it’s all one field, one seamless whole.
HAPPENING ON ITS OWN
It’s all happening on its own. It’s all living its own life.
The sounds, sights, the movements of this human self, the thoughts, emotions, decisions, and so on, is all living it’s own life.
DIFFERENTIATION
There is also differentiation here, which comes from an overlay of the mental field. There are imagined lines and boundaries saying what’s this human self and what’s the wider world.
Also, when this human self lives his life in the world, he is completely free to use normal language and say “I” and “mine” even if those words have limited validity.
GOES INTO FOREGROUND AND BACKGROUND
This noticing of (a) a seamless field of experience and (b) it all living its own life comes into the foreground or goes into the background at different times.
It depends on where attention goes. When attention goes to this, it comes into the foreground of attention. When attention goes into something else – a task, a story, or something else – this noticing goes more into the background. (Attention seems to always go to a story, by the way.)
There have also been states and phases where this noticing has come very strongly into the foreground.
After the initial oneness shift, it was very strongly in the foreground for years. (Mixed in with a lot of strong energies, this human self responding to the shift, a variety of states, and so on.)
Several years ago, there was a phase where it also came strongly into the foreground, this time with less of the drama of the initial shift and more clarity and calmness. This lasted about six months.
It also tends to come into the foreground during the times when I have done a lot of meditation for a long time, for instance when I was a resident at Kanzeon Zen Center and to some extent during longer retreats.
When it comes into the foreground in this way, it cannot be missed. It’s there the whole time. It’s the primary noticing even when other things are going on.
STATES HIGHLIGHT CERTAIN FEATURES
These states highlight certain features of my nature.
It’s my nature showing itself aspects of itself in a way that’s so obvious it cannot be missed.
In my experience, that makes it easier to keep noticing these features through changing states and experiences. Something in me knows what to look for.
WHO AND WHAT I AM
All of this is just another way to talk about who and what I am.
At one level – in a conventional sense and in the world – I am this human self. It’s not wrong, and it’s an assumption that works relatively well.
When I look in my own first-person experience, I find something else. I find I primarily am what the world happens within and as. I am what this content of experience – of this human self, others, the wider world, states, and so on – happens within and as. I am consciousness forming itself into whatever content of experience is here.
Even more fundamentally, I seem to be capacity for all of this – for consciousness forming itself into all these experiences.
MORE COMPLEXITY
There is always more to say about these experiences. There are always more details, layers, and perspectives.
Sometimes, this noticing – of the seamless field and it all living its own life – goes far into the background. It’s clouded over by getting caught up in wounds, trauma, and the perspectives and identities of the painful stories creating those. This usually doesn’t last very long, but it’s a part of the dynamics and process.
I am very aware that parts of me operate from painful stories that they hold as true. Consciously, I don’t agree with these stories, but that doesn’t make much of a difference for these parts of my psyche. This will inevitably color my perception and this human life. What I can do is be aware that they are here, even if I don’t know exactly what they are or how they color my perception and life. I can meet them with some understanding and kindness since they are here to protect this human self.
A NOTE ON THE SENSE FIELD
I often talk about sense fields in the plural – sight, sound, sensation, smell, taste, mental field, and so on.
Here, I talk about the sense field as a whole which includes all of those.
A NOTE ON THE WORD “I”
I should also mention that I use the word “I” here. Any sense of I – with an other – happens within the content of experience. That’s not the I that’s experiencing anything. Here, the word “I” is used because it’s familiar and I guess it can be used about my nature too, that which the content of experience happens within and as.
I could use more accurate language, and do sometimes, although then the wording becomes more convoluted. Our language is set up to work with an I with an Other.
If I did, the title could be “The experience of this sense field”. It’s more accurate since there is no I there, and also feels a little clunky because our language works better with a subject.