I find myself as clarity and fog, and it’s familiar by now after some decades of noticing both.
THE CLARITY
The clarity is here, always. It seems inherent in what I am. It’s the kind of clarity the sky has.
There is awakeness, which is a very ordinary awakeness that seems inherent in what I am. I assume it’s the same kind of awakeness inherent in what all “conscious beings” are. This awakeness has inherent clarity. It’s untainted by anything. This ordinary awakeness takes the form of the whole world as it appears to me, as the whole field of experience.
There is capacity here, capacity for the world as it appears to me. This capacity also has inherent clarity and is untainted by anything. This capacity takes the form of everything – awakeness, all content of experience.
BRAIN FOG
At the same time, there is brain fog. It initially came when I was fifteen, and when it came, it felt like a fog was descending. It has been better and worse, and got a lot worse when the CFS worsened some years ago. It got even worse with the Lyme disease and long-covid over the last few years.
I notice the brain fog in two ways.
In immediate noticing, it’s like a fog that’s everywhere, and also like cotton in and around my head.
When there is activity in the world, it’s easy to notice how the functioning is different because of the fog.
THE SAME
The clarity I fundamentally am takes the form of the brain fog and all its expressions, as it takes the form of all content of experience. The fog is made up of the clarity I am.
Awakeness takes the form of what a thought may call fog. Capacity takes the form of what appears as fog.
GOOD TO NOTICE
It’s interesting to notice, and it helps my human self when it’s noticed.
It means that the fog is not “other” or an enemy or even inherently a problem (other than in a limited and practical sense in some circumstances).
It helps my human self and psychology to find curiosity about it, make friends with it, and so on. (This doesn’t mean there isn’t also at times frustration, struggle, and so. That’s natural.)
SURPRISE
When this human self is resting or on his own, and is not taking in or trying to express anything, the noticing mostly and typically goes to the clarity. There is a clarity here, awake space, that takes the form of all these experiences – the sensation of the wind, the sound of the wind, the taste of hot cocoa where others see a head, the sharp sensation of the chili where others see a head, the sight of the garden, the smell of the land here. The awakeness I fundamentally am takes all of these forms, and always new forms.
When my human self interacts with others, or tries to write, there is often a surprise. He is not able to take in information very well. He may feel a bit disoriented. He is exhausted and drained. In the moment, there is some surprise because of the contrast with the clarity here, and at the same time, it’s familiar.
DIFFICULT TO PUT INTO WORDS
I am very aware that writing about it – how my nature takes the form of all content of experience – won’t resonate with readers who don’t notice this for themselves… yet. Although it’s not that difficult to notice with some structured guidance.
It’s not difficult to talk about because it’s something very special or mystical or anything else. It’s difficult to talk about because words only work when they point to something the recipient is already familiar with.
MORE ABOUT THE BRAIN FOG
How does the brain fog impact how this human self functions?
It makes it difficult to think, talk, or write clearly. It makes it difficult to take in, process, and remember information. I often forget words. I am unable to be as responsive and engaged in conversations as I otherwise would, especially after a few minutes.
If I am rested, I may be able to do much of this relatively normally for five or ten minutes, and then the exhaustion sets in and it all becomes more difficult.
I can read brief texts, but I am unable to read longer articles or books. I can listen to podcasts if it’s on an easy or familiar topic, I am relatively rested, and if it’s not for very long.
When I write here, I usually write what comes to me as it comes to me, based on what I am noticing here and now (when I write about my nature) or what I learned about many years ago (about society, history, domination & partnership cultures, permaculture, food forests, systems views, and so on).
Always, there is a combination of direct noticing and what’s in the mental field of memories, maps, and so on. There has to be for words to come out and make sense.
I am typically not able to do much editing or re-reading of what I write, and I am not able to take in much info to enhance or elaborate on whatever I am writing about. There are many interesting topics I don’t write about, or only write about superficially, since I don’t have capacity to write as I would like because of the brain fog.