Among my earliest memories are (a) crying in my crib and nobody coming (my mother subscribed to the approach of not responding to crying babies), and (b) my mother appearing preoccupied and seeing me as a nuisance. I can easily see how this fits with parts of me feeling hopeless, not wanting to be seen, thinking/feeling I have nothing to contribute, and so on.
I see how it ties into a lifelong pattern of prioritizing these parts of me, and how my chronic illness of CFS fits into a pattern of hiding and freezing. I also notice some shame around this, which points to something unresolved there.
Statement: My existence is a nuisance.
Situation: I am maybe two or three years old. My mother is in the kitchen. I am outside the kitchen and then step in, and she seems preoccupied and annoyed by my presence.
Is it true?
Yes, it feels true.
Can you know for certain that it’s true?
No.
What happens, how do you react, when you believe that thought?
I don’t want to exist. I try to not exist. I breathe more shallowly. I try to not move much. I try to not make much sound. I try to be invisible. I freeze. My system goes into freeze. I feel that my existence is wrong. I feel that nobody wants me here. I feel that everyone sees me as a nuisance. (And if they don’t, they will.) I leave. I avoid my mother. I go to another room to play quietly. I feel unloved and unlovable.
In my mind, I attack myself. I try to make myself invisible to protect myself. I feel scared. The one who is here to protect me seems annoyed by my existence. I don’t have anyone on my side. I don’t have the backing of anyone. I am alone, alone in the world.
I try to not exist by not breathing, by shutting my system down, by being quiet and invisible. I try to protect myself in that way.
Who would you be, in that same situation, without it?
I feel more open, spacious. My life and existence is more spacious. I can breathe. I am more fully myself. I notice my mother and decide to not interact. It comes from some wisdom and kindness. There is no thought of attacking myself or freezing, it’s not needed.
Turnarounds
What are the turnarounds to the initial statement? Can I find genuine and specific examples of how each one is true?
TA1: My existence is not a nuisance.
(a) I don’t know if that’s how she saw me in that situation. It’s my interpretation and my words. It’s a painful interpretation I gave myself and took and lived as true.
(b) The idea of nuisance is an idea. It’s created by the human mind, and specifically this human mind. It’s not inherent in reality. I don’t know the bigger picture.
(c) In other situations, she has expressed the reverse. If she thought it then, it seems she hasn’t thought it in all other situations, and other parts of her may have seen it differently even then. It’s not all of her.
TA2: My existence is a blessing.
In that situation, I can’t immediately find specific examples. What I can do is take it in, to feel how it is to be here now as if it’s true.
What I find is that if she was clear, whole, and healthy, she would likely see my existence as a blessing. That’s what we do. The nuisance view comes from her own wounds and traumas, likely traumas passed on through generations. I imagine into that situation of her whole, healthy, and clear, and me with her.
Outside of that situation, I can find examples. (a) She has said she loves me, cares about me, and wants the best for me. She has that side too. (b) Others have, at times, expressed love and appreciation for me. (c) I have done things others likely have seen and experienced as a blessing. (d) I am making 15 hectares in the Andes into a kind of nature preserve, and the millions of beings there would likely see me as a blessing if they knew.
In that situation, I see that my existence is a blessing in that it helps her to see her own patterns and dynamics. My existence likely highlighted something in her for herself. She may or may not have made good use of it, but it’s still a blessing.
TA3: Your existence is a nuisance.
Yes, when I think that my existence is a nuisance – to someone, to you, then I make you a nuisance to me. To me, you remind me of my own lack. I make your existence bring up discomfort in me. That’s a strange form of mental gymnastics. It’s not fair to you or me.
Living turnaround: I will take “My existence is a blessing” with me in daily life and see how it is to live while noticing it. I will also keep the “Your existence is a nuisance” insights with me.
Related stressful thoughts: She sees me as a nuisance. I have nothing to contribute. I can stay safe by hiding and being invisible. If I restrict my breathing, I will be more safe. I am unlovable. I am unloved. People see me as a nuisance. If they knew me, they would see me as a nuisance. If they knew me, they wouldn’t like me. I need to be liked, loved, and approved of.