My recurrent childhood dream was of climbing the rickety ladder up to the attic, all disappearing and falling through darkness, and then seeing a witch with her cauldron below me. She looks up at me, grins, and I am about to fall into her cauldron.
Recurrent childhood dreams often point to dynamics and themes that continues through our life.
TWO THEMES
This dream has two clear themes… (a) Being consumed by an unhealthy version of the feminine. (b) Ascending and then falling.
Both are familiar to me in my waking life.
UNHEALTHY FEMININE
My mother was quite domineering. She has respected me, but not so much my father, and that was traumatizing to me. I have both a healthy and unhealthy version of the feminine in me, and have a pattern of choosing partners who have been quite damaged. One way of seeing that is that I chose partners that could help me get to know, recognize, and heal those sides in myself.
As I write this, I am aware of slight shame coming up, and imagining others judging me for it. That’s a sign that there is more for me to explore here. If it was more fully resolved, any shame, guilt, or fear would be ghosts without much charge.
ASCENDING AND FALLING
In my individuation and awakening process, I have a pattern of metaphorically ascending and then falling. Especially early in life, I would cling to certain states and parts of myself and my experience. I would also work on my shadow and so on, but a part of me wanted to nurture and live more from the other side. This inevitably leads to a “fall” where what was not included asks to be seen, felt, loved, and included.
The most clear example is the dark night of the soul I went through over the last fifteen years or so which brought up a lot of old wounds, fears, and traumas.
Of course, this is created by a mind that inherited ideas of good and bad, light and dark, and so on. I didn’t consciously see it that way, but that doesn’t matter. Many parts of my system lived from it since it was internalized from my culture and family.
COLLECTIVE AND INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA
There is collective and intergenerational trauma here, as so often is the case with our (apparently) individual wounds and traumas.
These wounds, this unhealthy version, has likely been passed on through generations. My mother inherited it, and found a spouse willing to play the game because he had similar or compatible wounds.
And this has to do with our culture. It mirrors a patriarchical domination culture that has a mixed relationship with the feminine. Sometimes, a troubled relationship, partly subduing and vilifying and partly idealizing. Sometimes expressing a more healthy relationship and more healthy, whole, and real images.
The traditional western image of the witch, so clearly expressed in Disney movies, is of an evil, ugly, old woman. Real witches were ordinary women of all ages and appearances, often in deep connection with their intuition and nature, and often willing to find their own way – at least in some areas of life. That was threatening to a patriarchical domination culture, so it was vilified.
A part of this journey is to embrace and live the healthy version of the witch, the one that’s deeply life-centered, intuitive, and a conscious participant in the web of life and existence.
EXPLORING
I have explored these dynamics since my teens and there is still a lot there. Life gave me a theme that’s rich and multi-layered, especially when lived in my own life.
The witch has been exiled in me. A big part of me didn’t want it in my life, so parts of my system tried to shun, isolate, exile etc. that part. That does not allow it to breathe, or to be seen, felt, and loved. It does not allow it to heal in its own way and in its own time.
This morning, I took time to do tonglen with the witch in the dream, to help shift my relationship with it. I did ho’oponopono with the witch. I noticed the energies of it, and mental images of the energy and where I feel it in my body.
EXPLORATION HERE AND NOW
As I write this…
I continue doing tonglen with the witch. Then, I include myself (falling, as a kid, now), my mother, my birth family, and my wife. I do this step by step and take time with each one.
I connect with the energies, noticed images of the shape, colors, texture, and so on. I feel it as sensations in my body. Notice it as images and sensations.
I notice the energy of the witch as happening within and as awake space. (The awakeness that’s always here and seem inherent in what I am.) I notice this awake space taking the form of these energies, and then all the ways these are expressed. I stay with that noticing.
I notice it’s all already allowed and noticed. It’s noticed by this awakeness that’s here. It’s allowed… by space, life, existence. I stay with that noticing.
I notice I don’t know where any of this will go. I genuinely have no idea. (Any images are images, imaginations.)
DIALOG
Note: This dialog didn’t bring up much new info or new perspectives. I got more out of tonglen and exploring the contraction itself which is how it often is. The dialog seems to tap into familiar territory, and the shifts happens through more visceral explorations. That’s just how it is for me now, and I realize that the dialog can be powerful for many, especially if they explore areas unfamiliar to them.
Can I speak with the witch?
Yes, I am here.
Who are you?
I am the witch from your childhood dream. I am the damaged feminine. I am what happens when the feminine is damaged by this domination culture, the earlier versions of it. I am what happens when this culture makes women – and especially intuitive women, healers, psychics – into villains, into something dangerous to control, scapegoat, and subdue. I am in you and many women and men in this culture. I am someone for you to get to know.
What’s your function?
My function is to protect. You create me so you can feel more safe. It’s a way for you to avoid what your culture is telling you is dangerous and unwanted.
How has P. treated you?
He has been curious and willing to get to know me, and yet so much of him – his psyche and body – has been trained to shun me. He is doing both.
What’s your advice for him?
Get to know me in my unhealthy version, and learn to deal with me and set healthy boundaries. Learn to not fear me, and also to take care of yourself when you meet me.
Also, get to know me in my healthy version, as the woman in touch with intuition, nature, healing, and so on, and willing to go her own way. You know both of those in your own life, in yourself and others.