I am with people from my elementary and middle-school class. We are all grown-ups, in our forties. I sit somewhere to do something, and three of the women from my class come to sit with me. They proceed to talk about clothes, relationships, health, and so on. I feel naturally and effortlessly included, and it feels good.
IN WAKING LIFE
In elementary and middle school, I often lived in fear of not being included. I was sometimes actively excluded, and whether I was included or not seemed arbitrary, random, and dependent on who was there.
The exclusion often comes from wounds, pain, and trauma. Hurt people hurt people. The ones who excluded me did it from their own pain. When I have excluded others, or parts of me, it comes from my reaction to my own wounds and pain.
As mammals living in groups, being excluded is life-threatening. It’s one of the worst things that can happen to us, so no wonder it’s traumatizing, especially when it happens early in life.
Being effortlessly included, as I was in the dream, feels amazing and – to the extent I take it in – it’s deeply healing and nourishing for me.
In waking life, from high school on and especially later, I have felt more effortlessly included, and I don’t take it for granted. I am grateful for it. This is a far more natural way for humans to behave, live, and treat ourselves and others. It’s how we are when we are more healed and whole, and we feel safe.
ALL IN ME
Dreams are also a more direct and intimate mirror. All the parts of the dream mirror parts of me.
I sometimes exclude parts of me, since I learned exclusion from early in life. I learned it from my birth family when they excluded others (often verbally) or I saw them exclude parts of themselves and their experience. I learned it from school interactions.
I learned it’s how you are supposed to do it in this world, so I learned to do the same.
I learned how to exclude parts of me and parts of my experience – including emotions, discomfort, and stressful thoughts and images.
WAKING LIFE AS A REMINDER OF AN EMBRACE OF MORE OF ME
In waking life, there has been people I felt hurt by and I have excluded somewhat in my mind. I was reminded of this some days ago, and have explored actively including them more. I have actively included the parts of me represented by them. They happen in my own images, so I am including those images and whatever in me is connected with the images.
I use tonglen and ho’oponopono. I see them as the divine, as local and temporary expressions of the divine just like me, and viscerally feel it and rest in and as that visceral noticing. I wish them the best in their lives.
Why?
Because they are part of the web of life just like me. They are expressions of existence, just like me.
They are a mirror for me. What I see in them is something I can find in myself. The way I relate to them is how I relate to myself and my experiences. And I don’t want to treat myself that way.
Mainly, it’s because it just feels better. It’s a returning home. It’s an embrace of more of what I already am.
This is not noble. It doesn’t come from shoulds. It’s not because someone said it makes me a certain kind of person. It’s not primarily for their sake (although it may make it easier for them).
It’s something far more simple, immediate, and visceral: it just feels better.