In a conversation with Adya in the early 2010s, we talked about the dark night I was (and still am) in, and he mentioned that “life will squeeze what’s left out of you”.
That is certainly true. The squeeze is real, and has been off and on since then – and also before.
WHAT IS THE SQUEEZE?
What is the squeeze?
I assume it’s a squeeze between (a) my perception of the world and (b) my resistance to that perception.
In other words, my system has a perception and a response to that perception, and that’s where the experience of squeeze is created.
WHAT IS SQUEEZED OUT?
What is squeezed out?
If my system allows it to happen, it’s anything out of alignment with reality. Any perceptions created by unquestioned assumptions. Any reactivity from unloved and wounded parts of me.
THESE DAYS
These days, the squeeze is somewhat amplified.
In terms of consensus reality, a lot is happening, and the rug keeps being pulled out from under my feet1.
And in terms of perception and responses to that perception, there are still unquestioned assumptions and wounded parts of me at play, creating a sense of squeeze.
WHAT AM I DOING?
What am I doing with this?
In the past, I have done a lot of inquiry – Big Mind process, The Work of Byron Katie, sense field explorations (Kiloby Inquiries).
These days, I am drawn to simpler and more immediate explorations.
At different times…
NOTICE AS MY NATURE
I notice it all as happening within and as what I am. Within and as consciousness, taking all these different forms.
I notice that the “inside” of the contractions are made of the same, this awake space.
I rest in and as that noticing.
GIVE IT ALL TO THE DIVINE
I give it all to the divine.
I notice it already is the divine – awake space.
I set the intention for the divine to take over all – the situation, my life, this bodymind system.
I invite and ask the divine to deeply transform everything in this bodymind system, to align it all with my nature noticing itself and the divine noticing itself as all of it.
MEET WITH KINDNESS
I meet with kindness what’s here – the parts of me that are wounded, scared, angry, confused.
I love you. You are welcome here. Stay as long as you would like.
THANK YOU
I say thank you to life for everything that’s here.
Thank you to the contractions for being here.
Thank you for this process, and all it brings up in me.
Thank you for the reactivity that comes up in me.
Thank you for my nature recognizing it all as itself.
WELL-WISHING
I do tonglen and/or ho’oponopono with myself and others, especially the ones my personality may not immediately like.
I find genuine well-wishing for others and myself. I pray for the well-being of others and myself.
AND…
Other times, I get caught up in overwhelm, fear, and so on, sometimes when I have worked on old traumas and they come to the surface as part of that process. That’s OK too. That’s part of this process too, for this bodymind in this life in this period, it seems. I can meet that too with some understanding and kindness.
GIVE IT ALL TO THE DIVINE
Giving it all to the divine is my main focus these days.
Give the whole situation – including this bodymind system – to the divine.
Notice it’s all already the divine.
Invite and ask the divine to thoroughly, deeply transform this bodymind. To take it all and deeply transform it.
This is what’s already happening. There is no other option since it all is the divine. And this helps this bodymind – and the different parts of my psyche – align with it a little more consciously.
NOTES
- Just a few things happening right now:
(a) A big section of the roof of our house in the Andes collapsed last fall while we slept and could have killed us. From what I hear, it was apparently the only house roof collapse in the area for as long as anyone remembers. A third-party report says the architects and builders share responsibility, while they refuse any responsibility. We need to rebuild the whole roof, although we can’t do it now since I am here in Norway. (We also don’t have the money.) Also, the architects have initiated separate legal processes against me and my wife. Her, for having mentioned the findings of the report to someone in town. Me, because I contacted the architectural organization for advice after the architects continued to refuse any responsibility. (The organization, on their own, decided to start an investigation. The architects are suing me for defamation and loss of income.)
(b) I am in Norway to clean out my parents’ house, under a great deal of pressure between time and my health. It was sold sooner than I wanted, since others involved pushed for it. My wife was here for a while to help, but because of the 90-day Schengen rule for visitors, she had to leave long before we were finished. My brother has cancer, so he is unable to help. That leaves me to finish it.
(c) My parents are both in a nursing home. My mother is dying and does not have long left. It’s unfortunate that my wife cannot be here during my mother’s last days, because of the Schengen rules. They have a strong connection.
(d) I have CFS and my condition is changeable and unpredictable, so I am not sure if I can get everything done in time for the transfer of the house to the new owners. I also have PEM, which means my condition gets worse with excretion. It also means it can become chronically worse if I do too much, as it has in the past.
(e) I transferred a significant amount of money from Norway to my bank in the Andes several weeks ago. My Norwegian bank says the money arrived in my bank there, and can document it. My bank there says the money never arrived, and can document it. That means the money is lost, and both banks say they have done what they can do. I have a small income, so this is a significant financial blow. (Update late July: This money is still missing.)
(f) My brother said he would buy a cabin here in Norway, where we could stay while visiting. He sent me the link to one for sale, and I gave him reasons why it won’t work for us. For several practical and important reasons, it won’t be possible for us to stay there. I also gave him other options, far better and in the same neighborhood, which wouldn’t cost him more. (Especially one was far better – better design, better build quality, more space, two separate buildings, amazing view over the Oslo fiord.) He still bought the first one, which we won’t be able to stay in. Of course, he has to do what he thinks is best for him, but it seems odd that he said one thing and did another, and also that he chose one that’s low quality – ugly, poorly designed, built with poor materials, and with no view – when he could have bought another one that, in every respect, was objectively better, and would have worked for us.
(g) For the reason above, we won’t be able to stay in Norway this fall as we had hoped, especially considering the situation with my parents. Future visits to Norway are also uncertain since we don’t have a place to stay. (Apart from possibly an old rustic cabin in the summer where I can’t be on my own since I am unable to drive due to my disability.)
(h) For one or two years now, I have had a very strong pull to spend some weeks or months at a Zen center in the mountains in Northern Spain. It felt deeply right for me, and a calling. (Which doesn’t happen that often.) I know the teacher from the past and like him a lot, it looks rustic and charming, it’s small (I prefer more intimate places), and it’s in beautiful nature. My plan was to spend time there after finishing everything in Norway. I contacted them a few weeks ago, and it turns out they are closed due to permit problems.
(i) Our situation in the Andes feels precarious. A giant hotel is being built as our closest neighbors, and if it becomes active, we will likely not be able to live there.
(j) With our land in the Andes, there has been a series of situations where I have objected or warned about something (based on long experience and familiarity with similar situations), the others involved have rejected or ignored what I said, and I felt forced to go along since it’s me against two or more. In other words, there has been as series of “told you so” situations. I am still dealing with the fallout of all of this. (a) I wanted to do the design of the first house myself (I was in the MA program in architecture at UiO, grew up with an architect, and also know a lot about vernacular architecture and building with the elements), this was rejected, and we ended up hiring two architects who didn’t speak any English and whose previous projects I strongly disliked. That ended up being a huge problem for us and the house needs to be redesigned and rebuilt. With the second building, we did what I had initially suggeted – with me finding a location and developing the design, and a local architect who speaks English finishing it – and that was much more of a success. (b) During the design process, I several times said I didn’t want certain solutions (e.g. plastic roof over the entrance areas, short roof overhangs), and suggested other solutions that made far more sense to me (e.g. open trellis with vines for shade on the sun-sides of the house), and generally voiced my concern about several design choices. The architects repeatedly argued against whatever I said and didn’t follow up on my suggestions. The others on my team also told me to trust them and not interfere. This too ended up being a disaster. My concerned turned out to be valid, and we need to rebuild the house to fix the problems. (c) I told them we should not do anything without a license. The others involved rejected it and wanted to go ahead anyway. That also turned out to be a big mistake, as I knew it would be. (d) I told them that building too close to the fence would be a problem with noise from the road and the neighborhood due to the topography. (The house is on the edge of a shelf in a valley.) It would create a more open sightline between the house and the main road and neighbors. Everyone else dismissed it and said it would not be a problem at all. Of course, it turned out to be a big problem. If the house had been just five meters further back, the noise would be greatly diminished. (e) I told the others that one of the major mistakes people make is to not be there during the design process. Again, this was rejected, which led to a predictably bad result and the need for a complete rebuilding. (f) Someone else involved in the project wanted to immediately build a big house for himself, even if he had voiced his dislike for living there. I suggested that he would wait a little and think through everything before making such a big decision. He didn’t, and now wants to sell the house which creates big problems for the rest of us involved.
In general, the last 15-20 years – the darker part of the dark night phase for me – has involved a long series of losses (including of everything I owned) and challenging situations. And, separately from this, a huge amount of old trauma surfacing. The situation I am in now feels quite typical of this phase of my life.