I am sitting in an old outdoor wicker chair in the empty living room of my parents’ house. This is the house I grew up in, and I have spent a considerable amount of time here since, especially the last few years. Today is my last day here. The movers emptied the house this morning, and I am now sitting here with Simba, the neighbor cat, in one wicker chair, and me in another.
I found myself doing a dialog with my birth family as whole beings, and thought I would write down some of it here. I am using my old healing approach where I visualize them as healed, whole, mature, and awake, and dialoguing with me.
My mother. I love you so much. I wish you only the best in life. I am sorry for being distant, and for the dynamics with your father. I see now that the dynamics I created with him – talking and trying to control – was an attempt to distract myself from my own discomfort, from my own pain and wounds. You know I had a difficult relationship with my own father. I am sorry for how it impacted you. I am so sorry for the distress you experienced because of it. I am sorry we were unable to change the dynamics between us. I am happy and grateful to see that you are working on this in yourself, to find healing from it. I love you no matter how you are. Know that I love you. Know that I will always support you. Know that when I acted on my wounds, it was because I didn’t know better at the time.
My father. I love you, P. I know I have never said it, but I have lived it. I lived it in the best way I knew. I am also sorry for the dynamics between me and your mother. As you know, we were both an equal part of it. I allowed it. I didn’t have healthy boundaries, and neither did she. I too am sorry for how it impacted you. For the distress it caused you, and for how the wounds and your pain because of it has colored your life. It’s passed on through the generations. And I am deeply proud of you for going into it to find healing, and to use it to mature. I know it is and has been difficult, but you are doing it. I am with you. I fully support you. I am now able to tell you I love you.
My brother. I can say the same. I love you. I always have loved you. I am sorry for how the family dynamics got internalized in all of us, and colored our interactions. I am sorry for being distant, going into a rivalry, subtly putting you down, and creating difficult situations for you. I am sorry for how my own wounds have created difficult situations for you. And I, too, am proud of you for the work you are doing for finding healing and maturing through and with all of this.
Me. I love you too. Thank you for your words and your love. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for seeing me. I am sorry for how I acted because of my wounds and hurt. I am sorry for being distant at times. I wanted to create distance, geographically and psychologically, to try to protect me from the unhealthy dynamics in the family, and to try to find something different. I have always wanted – and needed – this kind of understanding, and to be seen in this way.
Update: I have returned to this exploration in the days since, including just resting in and as and receiving the love.