After seeing Amma in London, I had a knowing that I was going to Amritapuri, her ashram in Kerala. At a mental level, I had doubts since it was short notice and the ticket was more expensive than I had first thought. Just as I gave myself permission to not go, a particularly vivid dream tipped the balance. In the dream, I had just arrived and was getting to know the people and the place. It felt like it was already happening, and I only needed to take the practical steps to make it happen.
I got my Indian visa and ticket, asked a few friends who have been there for pointers, and contacted the ashram to let them know I was coming.
Although I have had challenges, it feels like an infinite blessing to be here. I am profoundly grateful to life – and myself from a few weeks ago – for bringing me here.
See below for some of my experiences and also some practical info.
Note that these are my personal experiences. It will be different for everyone, and different for each visit and each moment. Also note that the practical info will change over time, so always check the official sources.
INDEX
Context
For context, here are some of my previous Amma-related articles.
Amma London 2025 – Novemer 2025
An update on the Amma experience – May 2025
After the Amma experience, an absence of dreams, asking for dreams again, and life responding – January 2025
An Amma experience: no words – November 2023
Journal Entries December 2025
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18 – TRAVEL DAY
This was my travel day. I got up early, after a short sleep, and had a mostly uneventful journey. I had nice seat-mates, although on the two longest stretches, both were very fidgety. It made it difficult to sleep (they both bumped into me frequently), and brought up old hangups in me.
In general, fidgety, noisy, and hyper behavior in others tends to trigger reactivity and discomfort in me. I am aware that it’s because it mirrors the same in myself, and my own sometimes inability to meet it with kindness and presence. I practice feeling all as the divine (via Amma, which makes it more personal), especially my own reactivity and what triggers it. I also remind myself to meet them and my own reactivity with kindness. And their discomfort is there from wounds and inability to meet it with kindness, so I can find some understanding and compassion. It was a good setup for these explorations.
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 19 – ARRIVAL AND FIRST DAY
I arrived at Trivandrum airport just after 3am. As I walked to immigration, I noticed how calm the other passengers were. In Europe and North-America, I am used to people rushing off the plane and sprinting to immigration and baggage pick-up. Here, they strolled as if they were taking a nice walk on the beach.
The woman in immigration met me with a big smile, looked me in the eyes, and touched her heart. She later seemed happy to realize that I was going to Amma’s ashram. I got about 20,000 rupees (200 USD) in the exchange place, although no Indian SIM since I didn’t see that counter. I had my eSIM installed and activated, and trusted I could get the Indian SIM later.
The taxi driver was very nice, and the ride to the ashram was interesting in the early morning. (He chewed gum vigorously and noisily, which continued the theme from the flights for me! Challenging for someone with misophonia.)
I arrived early, checked in, and set myself up in my room. I walked around a bit and joined the tour for new people. Two places stood out to me. One was the cow shed that belonged to Amma’s family’s house, which is now a shrine. It had a very strong and dense energy, unlike anything I have experienced in other places. The other was the Kali statue in the back of the hall. I felt like I had been struck by lightning when I saw it, and it brought fear up in me – which I guess makes sense considering it’s Kali. Early afternoon, I went to the meditation with Amma on the beach. (The aura around her head was like a bright disc, which I have seen on some paintings – including of Amma – but not before in real life.)
It turned out that they were doing construction work in the building with my room, which seemed disconcerting. I need a quiet space to rest when I need to during the day. This too seems to continue the theme of having reactivity in me triggered. And also intentionally notice it as the voice and body of the divine (Amma) and see how that is.
I went to the office for non-Indian visitors to see if they had another and more quiet room for me. They did, on the beach, but I had some concerns about mosquitoes (some holes in the netting that the owner of the apartment had not repaired), so I decided to not take it.
I also feel a little out of place since I am new here and not very familiar with Indian spirituality and practices.
Still, these were all minor – and somewhat expected – challenges, and I feel at home and am very grateful to be here.
I was exhausted and went to bed early.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20 – SECOND DAY, GETTING SETTLED
I woke up to construction noise above me and directly outside the window, and had the brief thought that maybe I should just go home. I recognized it and where it comes from (very young part of me), and reminded myself that (a) there are other options at the ashram, and (b) I will feel differently about it in a little while.
I took a shower and went to the visitor’s office to see if they had another room. They did, I checked it out (on the backwaters), and it seemed clean and quiet, so I decided to take it. It was a little more expensive, but it’s still not much in Western money. (I am not sure how long I can be here, I suspect until the owner returns after the holidays.) For now, my housing situation seems resolved 🙂
After breakfast in the Western café, I went to see an ayurvedic doctor about doing panchakarma treatment for the next few weeks. She gave me dietary and lifestyle guidelines that perfectly match what I have discovered over the years, which made me trust her more. (I am always a little hesitant with new doctors, especially since my condition can be baffling, including for myself!, and some treatments can be very destabilizing for my system.)
I sat for a while in the cow shed, inviting the energy there to transform me. And did a few errands in several ashram stores, including for herbs for the treatment. On my walks through the ashram, I saw Lakshmi, a beautiful, relatively small, and very dark elephant, outside of the enclosure with the handler. (I felt sad that she is in the enclosure and without elephant friends, although I understand it’s difficult to give her a more natural environment. I guess she was rescued?)
It struck me that the ashram is similar to a university campus. It has central buildings, food areas and cafés, some shops, residential buildings for students and staff, and so on.
In the afternoon and evening, I had concerns come up about doing a full daily six-week panchakarma treatment. It seems a lot. Some years ago, I talked with another ayurvedic treatment center, and they recommended a maximum of 3 or possibly 4 weeks for me, with my health situation. They said too much would not be good.
I again went to bed early. I want to be kind to myself, take it easy, and get settled in, for the first two days here. After all, I have a few weeks.
I am noticing and connecting with Amma through the day, and noticing and feeling all as the divine (via Amma and with an Amma flavor). As I mentioned earlier, I especially notice any reactivity and triggers in this way. It feels good. It’s been a missing piece for me, to intentionally feel this too as the divine, as it’s here and active.
The photo is part of the view from my new place.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21
Early morning, I dream that my mother – who died in August – told me it was better if I didn’t do the panchakarma treatment. After waking up, I saw an email from the main Vortex Healing teacher saying the same. (I had asked him about it in an email from the day before.) It feels like a big relief to decide to not do it, for several reasons. (Including that it’s likely too much for my system, and it’s expensive.)
I needed extra time in bed in the morning to recover as I didn’t feel very good, and I also felt hopeless. I also know that’s to be expected. These kinds of places tend to bring up whatever is unresolved in us – places designed to help our nature recognize itself, and help this human self reorganize and life from that.
I spent the day sitting in the cow shed and with Kali, getting some info about pujas and practices in the info center, and I had dinner with old and new friends from Vortex Healing (KR, JK, and BWL).
One thing I notice is that it feels like being back in the 90s here. Most people talk, are doing things, or sit in silence or meditation, and it’s rare to see someone on their phone. I love it.
I am exploring how to organize myself so I can participate in more of the Amma events during the day. I think I need to schedule in quite a bit of rest both in the morning and afternoon to be able to do it, and also do different things on different days.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 22
Today, I went to the hospital in the morning to receive my second rabies vaccine. (The first was in Oslo last week.) I was there 30 minutes before they opened and sat where it said “registration”. A Western woman came around the time they were scheduled to open, and realized we were supposed to sit on another series of chairs. She sat down and insisted she was ahead of me in line since she sat on the chair before mine. I spoke up about it, but she insisted she was before me. (Even if she arrived 1/2 hour after.) I spoke up, but didn’t do anything more about it. In this situation, it didn’t seem so important. She was in a hurry, and I was not.
She could have just told me she was in a hurry, asked if she could go before me, and I would happily – with genuine pleasure – let her go before me. As it was, and with the way she did it, it created a weird atmosphere for the whole group. Still, I understand. She was likely stressed, scared, and acted from conditioning. For me, it was very helpful in that it brought up an important issue in my life. My tendency has been to not stand up for myself as much as would be healthy, and also to wish to be invisible.
Later in the morning, I went out of the ashram and across the bridge to get a SIM card. The registration process didn’t work, so I’ll have to return. I extended my eSIM just in case. I enjoyed the adventure, although it was a hot trip and took a lot out of me.
As before, I sat with Kali and in the cow shed for a while.
I notice that being here feels similar to a Vortex Healing class. There is a strong “group field” or similar, and it feels like there is an ongoing transmission. There is a strong sense that the energies here are working on me 24/7.
I really need to find a way to join the regular afternoon and/or evening programs. I think it will be easier when I am more settled and don’t need to do errands in the morning. I heard that the program may start at 11am tomorrow, which will make it much easier for me. Because of my health situation, I tend to have energy in the morning, which then quickly fades in the afternoon, and I feel exhausted by the evening and need to rest.
Since the Amma experience a little over two years ago, Amma has been with me and she is everywhere and appears as all forms. That’s how it is here too, although even stronger. I don’t sense it stronger in her physical presence, although I am sure that does something too.
My main hope and intention for being here is transformation of this human self, and of more deeply and consistently feeling all as the divine. I can see it all as the divine. I can find love for it. I can feel it too. Although there is a difference between doing this when nothing or little is triggered, and after something has been triggered and the intensity has faded, versus while something is triggered.
When I notice something come up in me – some contraction, some very human confusion, some confused love – I intentionally notice it as the divine, and feel it as the divine. That too is Amma. That too is the divine. That too is my nature.
I didn’t feel very good this afternoon, and even less so at dinner-time. It’s partly from the heat and the walk outside of the ashram, and likely also a (healthy, desired, expected) reaction to the vaccine. I ran into the same three I had a very enjoyable dinner with yesterday, and did talk with them a little in the food line, but decided to sit by myself and go back to my room. I felt self-conscious since my brain fog is strong, and that makes it more difficult for me to have conversations and interact with others.
At least, I think it does. At least, being self-conscious about it makes it difficult…!
I recognize a pattern from my childhood and teens. It felt safer to go to my room than to be with my parents and their difficult dynamic. I learned to retreat to my room, and I still do it when I don’t feel very good. I realize I could have chosen to be social and focused on allowing whatever I am feeling.
Being in these kinds of settings – in a meditation center, an ashram, and similar – brings up whatever in me that’s not fully seen, felt, and loved, and the context helps meet it with more kindness, intention, and curiosity. That’s one of the reasons I am here.
I am very grateful for my room. It’s clean, new, with good fans, and is really a second-level apartment, with someone else living below. It’s next to the backwaters, on the edge of the ashram, and generally quiet. (Although at 2 last night, a boat went by with bright lights and someone talking on a megaphone or through speakers! Not sure what that was about.)
We are not allowed to take photos inside the ashram. They don’t want to make it feel like a tourist attraction, which I wholeheartedly agree with, and there are also privacy concerns. I did take a couple of photos of the water from the garden here, and from the bridge earlier today.
Update: I woke up a couple of hours after falling asleep, from some noise from the people in the other apartment in this building. I noticed a lot of discomfort, disorientation, and a sense of disorganization. It was a reminder to do Vortex Healing catch-up and integration. This is something we do after healing or awakening movements to catch up the rest of the system, and also to integrate and smooth out the system.
There has probably been a lot of movement in my system since I came, and it’s sorely in need of catch-ups and integration. After a few minutes of doing it, I now feel much better. I suspect some – or most? – of my discomfort and symptoms for the last couple of days have been from lack of catch-ups.
I also need to drink more water. I drink about 2-3 liters a day, but it’s not enough for me in 30 degree weather. This is mainly happening because I only have two relatively small water bottles, and the drinking water is far from where I am staying.
TUESDAY DECEMBER 23
I didn’t feel very good waking up, and took it easy today. I had lunch with several Vortex Healing folks, which was enjoyable. It’s nice to have a small community within the community. I continued to do some VH catch-ups and integration, which has helped me.
I also decided to turn on the A/C, which helped me feel much better in the evening. I think my body needs to be able to cool down, at least for part of the day, to function well. I have the temperature set to 25, which is enough. (Note: I later turned it up to 27 degrees, which creates less of a difference between outside and indoors temperature and is much more comfortable.)
WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 24
I paid for a puja for my health in the morning, had lunch with a few Vortex healers (B, F, S), and then went to the beach for meditation and satsang with Amma. I walked on the beach for a while after. I attended the program in the evening, but had to leave after a while since I was getting too exhausted. Seems I can’t do both on the same day, at least not right now.
I bought three rudraksha stones from the ecology table – each containing one or likely a few seeds. I hope to plant these in the food forest at Finca Milagros, both as a reminder of this ashram and Amma, and because the different parts of the trees have medicinal uses. I will also visit the ashram’s permaculture garden next week.
In one conversation with a fellow Vortex healer (B), he said something about not knowing who we are. I mentioned that if I had known who I was, I would not be here! My old identity was of someone into serious meditation, like Zen or other Buddhist or Taoist practices. I was not really interested in ashrams. So what allows me to be here is that I don’t know who I am anymore. Many of my identities don’t mean as much as they did. I have a different and freer relationship with them. (At the same time, many parts of me still hold onto identities in an attempt to stay safe, including a part of me that wants silence and sees noise as a threat.)
When I walked over for dinner and the evening program, sadness came up. After all, it’s Christmas eve and it brought up memories of past Christmases, childhood, my mother, who died earlier this year, and so on. It’s also a reminder that I don’t have children, and I always thought I would have.
A GENERAL FOCUS
As I have mentioned above, I am focusing on transformation and what will be with me after I am no longer here. I have left exactly what open, although so far, I find myself focusing on how I relate to whatever my personality doesn’t like – including my own contractions, reactivity, etc. – and to feel that too as the divine. It’s not so difficult to see it as happening within and as what I am, as awake space taking those forms, and it’s more interesting to me to feel it too. There is a deeper transformation of this human self there.
Of course, this is just me right now. I follow where I seem to be led, where curiosity and life lead me.
THURSDAY DECEMBER 25
I attended the puja in the cow shed / Kalari this morning, and used it as an opportunity to feel all as the divine / Amma, especially any contractions in me, any discomfort, and so on. That too is the expression of the divine. It’s the divine taking that form too. It’s a flavor of the divine. This helps shift something in me, in this human self and his conditioning.
I sit with the CFS/ME symptoms as the divine. This brain fog, this energetic emptiness in the forehead, and so on… it’s all the divine. It’s all expressions of the divine, just like any other content of experience. It’s all a visit from Amma. It’s a blessing from Amma. It already is, and it is for me when I notice it.
This morning, I also listened to some of the Western music performances close to the Western café. There are amazing musicians here, and it’s a reminder of how much richness there is in anybody’s life and how little we tend to know about it. Someone I have only seen serving food may be a very skilled musician and artist.
I talked for a while with a new friend from London (S). He had CFS/ME and got better or cured (?) by using the approach from the Optimum Health Clinic. I have followed them for a while, and they seem to use a sound and effective approach.
Amma goes to the beach around lunchtime. I joined today and keep exploring all as flavors of the divine.
One of the meditations involves visualizing sparks of golden light in all the cells of the body. This is similar to Taoist practices I did in my late teens and early twenties. I notice it’s challenging now since I cannot find my body when my eyes are closed. It’s just awake space with a few sensations here and there. It’s difficult to visualize the body and its cells. I guess it will come in time.
Here is my guess about what’s happening: When we are strongly identified with/as the body, it’s relatively easy to imagine the body and visualize something related to the body. When this identification has softened, it may be difficult to visualize for a while. And then it normalizes, so there is little identification, but again the ability to visualize.
I haven’t used home A/C much in my life, even when I could, but I have to admit that it seems to make a huge difference for me. Before I turned it on, I felt sluggish and had headaches. Now, with it on, I have more energy and feel generally much better. As I have suspected for a while, being able to cool down my body for a while each day seems crucial for me. If the temperature is over 25 (it’s in the high 20s during the day here), I need some way to cool off for a few hours.
FRIDAY DECEMBER 26
I have liked the Estonian Philharmonic Chamber Choir since my teens, mainly since they perform Arvo Pärt. My music listening goes in waves, and these days, I love listening to them again and often do in the morning while doing qigong and otherwise getting ready. (I listen to parts of their catalogue I am not familiar with. For all the downsides of Spotify, especially for musicians, I still love that I get to listen to a lot I otherwise may not have found.)
A couple of days ago, I overheard two older men talking while we were doing our dishes. One said that he has been doing meditation and yoga for fifty years, and has not had one single glimpse of his true nature. (And that it didn’t matter because it has been transformative anyway.) I am a little surprised since there are effective ways for us to notice our nature within minutes. I especially like the Big Mind process and the Headless experiments. Also, it’s a reminder that what happened in my case – an awakening out of the blue without prior interest from this human self – is not universal. It plays itself out in a variety of ways. Existence likes to explore itself in as many ways as is possible, it seems.
After breakfast, I went over the bridge to see if I could get an Indian SIM card. (I am using an eSIM in the meantime.) While waiting for the shop to open, I found a place that sells singing bowls and some Buddhist and Hindu items. (The owner is from Kashmir.) I loved the sound of this one, and the price seemed reasonable, so I decided to get it. I have wanted to get one for a while. The loud sound lasts for about a minute, and I can still hear the sound after 3.5 minutes (!). It has some beautiful overtones. Seems the main sound is G3 (202/206 Hz) with overtones at 593 Hz (D5, perfect fifth) and 1129 Hz. I like that it already has some patina, and I plan to leave it unpolished so it can build up more patina over time.
I rested after lunch and went back to the central area of the ashram to say hello to a fellow Vortex student (we had not met in person) and get paper and pen. In the shop, I saw a message about getting tokens for darshan, I did, and it turned out Amma was doing darshan before bahjans. (So far, it’s been the other way around.) Starting in the morning, it felt like my head was being cooked, and this only got stronger. I am still not sure if this was the sun or the darshan, although I suspect the latter. In London, being in Amma’s field was very powerful, and the darhsan in itself seemed unremarkable. Here, being in Amma’s field is perhaps even stronger, and the darshan this time was also powerful.
SATURDAY DECEMBER 27
I did not feel good this morning – pains and aches, nausea, uncomfortable feeling in the whole body, and emotional things coming up (fear of the future, etc.). At lunch, I noticed I had subtly been fighting it earlier in the day, so I shifted into noticing all of this – the sensations, symptoms, feelings, thoughts, reactions to it – as the divine, as Amma. That shifted how I related to it and how it appeared to me.
I also realize that these symptoms are similar to how I felt for 3-4 days before going to London to see Amma (for the first time) in November. It may be part of some kind of reorganization or cleaning-out process.
This strong discomfort continued through the day, and I took it mostly easy. It seems that the energy was working mostly on my frontal lobes. (This also often happens for me in Vortex Healing classes.)
SUNDAY DECEMBER 28
I woke up still feeling off and a lot of discomfort, and have reminded myself to feel it all as expressions of the divine / Amma. It makes a big difference.
After breakfast, I went back to my room and slept for a while. My body needs a lot of rest right now, and also in general because of the CFS/ME.
I went for lunch, had juice at the juice bar, and went to see Amma at the beach. A strong sense of deja vu and ancient familiarity this time. Then, a conversation with two fellow Vortex students/healers (B and F), and I discovered the free chai at 3:30. Delicious chai, and quite addictive for me. I felt better in the afternoon.
The other day, I met Amma walking down a path, returning from the beach. Today, I met Lakshmi – the elephant – walking down a road, likely on her/his (?) daily walk. It’s remarkable how it becomes part of daily life to randomly meet an avatar and an elephant representing a divinity.
I went to the Info Center a few days ago to ask about the different practices Amma devotees do. I received a list, with the reminder that this is about devotion. The practices are “just” a support for devotion, and the devotion is primary and not dependent on practices. (My words.)
I keep exploring feeling it all as the divine / Amma, especially that which is uncomfortable and any reactions to the discomfort, and also any sense of observer or doer. It’s all part of the field, it’s all happening within and as this awake space, and it’s all expressions and part of the play of the divine and Amma.
A couple of days ago, I had a conversation with a friend (KL) about my experiences here, and mentioned how impressed I am with all that Amma does. For me, Amma is a reminder of how much energy is available when we are not in internal struggle, and now much of our energy – for most of us – is tied up in this internal struggle. (Internalized from family and culture, and a reflection of domination culture.)
MONDAY DECEMBER 29
I woke up with cold/flu symptoms, went for breakfast, got the third rabies vaccination (they rescheduled it for Friday), and then to bed since I didn’t feel very good. I ended up sleeping most of the day, apart from getting food. My wife channeled for the infection in the evening, and I did notice something shifting.
TUESDAY DECEMBER 30
I slept through the night and woke up feeling a little more stable. Two new friends here (B, H) said they were available to help with food or anything else, which feels good. A part of me feels unsupported, so to find support when I am not doing so well is healing. I slept most of the day.
A part of me feels I am not as good a student as I would like to be. I have a perfectionist orientation, and want to do whatever I do fully and correctly. My health situation (CFS/ME) helps me find another way. Just being here feels powerful and transformative. In addition, I intentionally give it all over to the divine, and notice it’s all already the divine. (It already belongs to the divine, it’s just that some conditioning may not have caught up with it yet.) I feel whatever is here as the divine / Amma. And so on. I am also attending the events with Amma, I have resources for, and I suspect there will be more of this since I am more settled and am recovering from my journey.
The alternative would be to pressure myself to do more, which can easily lead to a crash. Taking it easy, getting the foundations in place, and easing into the activities here seems the wise course of action, especially considering I’ll be here for a while.
Now that I am more settled, it’s good for me to again look at my priorities and what I want to use my precious time here for.
This reminds me of a conversation from earlier. Someone said he wants to get out of the incarnational cycle and the suffering. I understand. At the same time, I love this human life. My life has had its share of challenges and suffering – with childhood wounds and trauma, CFS over four decades, a good amount of dramatic losses, and so on. And still, this life is immensely precious. Maybe it’s because I remember my life from before this incarnation. It was blissful and with a profound sense of home and infinite love. And yet, it was without a body. It was without all the amazing, wonderful, and terrible experiences we can have with this body. And this life is short. I am happy to be here, and happy to have more lives if that’s how it goes.
Also, it’s the divine – existence, the universe – that “wants” these incarnated lives. It wants to express, explore, and experience itself as that too. My nature wants it. What I am – what forms itself into it all, including the parts of me that don’t want it – wants it.
AMMA AS A MIRROR
Amma is a mirror, as is the world in general. If I see unconditional love in her – a love for everything and everyone as expressions of the divine – can I find that in myself? How is it to find it in myself? How is it to consciously use her as a mirror?
For me, one way to find this is to shift into Big Mind/Big Heart or headlessness, notice that whatever my personality doesn’t like is also an expression of my nature, feel it as that, and find love for it. It’s all already here, so it’s just about (a) noticing and (b) some intentional shifting to help my human self onboard with it.
WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 31, 2025
I slept and rested most of the day, apart from getting lunch and dinner and taking it back to my room.
Journal Entries January 2026
THURSDAY JANUARY 1, 2026
I finally felt better and was doing a few things in the morning. It was nice to run into several I know here, and also one from Spain I shared a taxi with from Amma’s event in London to Heathrow.
Any meditation center, retreat, or ashram will bring things to the surface. Some may be triggered in the form of reactions to circumstances and people. And some come to the surface more on their own. Today, two old wounds and patterns have become more visible to me.
One is the thought, supported by a feeling, that there is no place for me in the world. As a child, there was much I was fascinated with and drawn to, but I never saw myself in it. I never saw myself traveling and visiting places I loved reading about or watching on TV or in movies. I never saw myself working with ecology and animals, even if that’s what I loved. I never saw myself with a family on my own, or my own children, even if I was strongly drawn to that too. I never saw myself as active in life. I couldn’t because it seemed there was no place for me in the world. That part is still strong in me, and it’s reflected in a life with CFS/ME, which has largely made it true. (Of course, that brings up the question of whether this issue has fed into my health situation and the CFS, although it is certainly a biological illness too.)
Another is a pattern of not trusting that anyone is consistently on my side. I didn’t feel I could trust that my parents were not there when I needed them. (Especially with bullying, although I also realize I didn’t explain the situation fully to them.) My brother would use me as a scapegoat for what he and his friends had done. My friends would quickly turn on me if bullies were present. If someone seems to be consistently on my side, I have pulled away – likely so I can feel in control by doing it before they will do it. (Even if they may never pull away.)
FRIDAY JANUARY 2
I woke up with a good deal of anxiety in my system. (My thoughts connected it with my future: health challenges, low income, uncertainties about the project in the Andes, etc.) It may come from connecting with and exploring the issues above the night before. I did channel a bit for it (Angelic Heart), but didn’t want to do too much since I am still recovering from the virus.
In general, I feel better today, in spite of falling asleep late. At breakfast, I talked with another Vortex Healer (S). It seems we both have found some peace with being kind to ourselves and our health in terms of our external activities. He has had ME/CFS, and I still do, and we are both recovering from a virus. He said that taking care of oneself is a kind of seva (service) too, and I took that as a support from life/the divine.
I got my third (pre-exposure) rabies vaccine at the hospital, next to the Western café. It’s not strictly necessary here, but it makes sense for me since I’ll spend a lot of time in the Andes near both wild and feral animals. Later in the morning, I sat with Kali for a while and also in the cow shed /Kalari.
I also got a beautiful Lakshmi figure stuffed with a part of one of Amma’s dresses. The money goes to Amma’s projects, so it feels like a win-win.
The Masala chai scooped out in the Indian food area, included in the price of lodging, is by far my favorite of the different Masala chais I have tried here. They brew it in large pots and have it at 6am and 3:30pm.
I read a little in Amma’s biography, and am reminded of a difference between Buddhism (at least Tibetan and Zen, which I am most familiar with) and some of the Indian traditions. In her biography, they make a point of how pious everyone is. In the Buddhist stories I have been drawn to, most people are scoundrels. They are flawed and messy human beings, even if they become (or are!) great teachers and guides. Somehow, I resonate with the latter more. I also like the Zen saying: water that’s too pure has no fish.
Without it happening intentionally, I notice that’s reflected in how I am dressed here. Many devotees wear pure white clothing. I wear mostly light colored clothes, but with some grays, browns, blues, and so on.
I have mentioned earlier that being here has a similar feel to being in a Vortex Healing class group field, only stronger. There is a sense of 24/7 transmissions and work on my system.
Now, I also experience more of that unconditional love. It’s as if all of me and my field of experience – including wounds, reactivity, etc. – are held in love. I am not sure if this is something I am creating since it’s a focus here, or if it’s in the field. Very likely, it’s both. They are both expressions of the same unconditional love inherent in life and consciousness, and they are both the same movement.
I realize it’s a big statement to say that unconditional love is inherent in life and consciousness, and I realize that it doesn’t always look like that.
How is it inherent in life? As I see it, it’s because all of life – that takes the form of existence, this universe, and this living planet – is a seamless evolving whole. It’s in the process of expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways. There is a kind of love there, and even if things may appear terrible from the perspective of something or someone within this whole, it is – in many ways – glorious, amazing, and beautiful from the perspective of the whole.
How is it inherent in consciousness? To myself, I am consciousness, and this awake space I am forms itself into this whole field of experience exactly as it is. When the consciousness I am notices itself, there is a love here. It’s not a love dependent on feelings or states, but the love of the left hand removing a splinter from the right. It’s a pragmatic love that comes from recognizing oneness, or oneness recognizing itself.
Neither of these are in denial of the tremendous pain and suffering most, if not all, living beings experience now and then. That’s part of it.
The schedule changes more than I first realized. It’s good in many ways. It allows Amma to be spontaneous and do what’s appropriate in the moment, it keeps everything a bit more fluid, and it’s an invitation to stay receptive and follow what’s happening in the moment. It’s also challenging for someone who has CFS and needs to pace his energy – which often involves planning in advance.
I also suspect that the number of people and the sound level of some of the events likely take more out of me than I realized. Consciously, I don’t mind. (It’s a little exciting since it’s unusual for me.) But at some level, it takes a lot of energy for me to process and deal with it all. It makes me tired. Again, I can’t imagine this would normally be a problem, but it is because of the CFS.
Both of these have made it difficult for me to follow as much of the schedule as I had planned and would have liked. I will talk with someone soon about this to see if they have suggestions or perhaps some alternatives for people with health challenges.
HELD IN LOVE
As I mentioned above, there is a sense of everything held in love. It’s as if all of me and my field of experience – including wounds, reactivity, etc. – are held in motherly love. This is something I am actively exploring, and it also seems to be in the field.
SATURDAY JANUARY 3
I woke up from a lot of dreams that seemed fragmented and reflected old emotional issues. I suspect it was from having channeled for myself (Vortex Healing / Angelic Heart) for a while before falling asleep. I worked on the issues mentioned a couple of days ago, and also survival fear ,which I suspect is behind most fear and most issues. (A sense of separation creates survival fear, and this seems to be at the bottom of the wide range of issues we have created for ourselves.)
I went to the Tulasi Garden connected with the ashram in the morning. I love the garden, loved being there, and also loved helping / doing seva there. On the way back, I walked by a mobile phone store, but also no luck today in getting an Indian SIM. (This time, my fault for not having the right documentation.)
I rested in the afternoon and started feeling the beginning of a CFS crash mid-afternoon. It’s likely a combination of the heat (only about 30 C so not really hot, but hot for my system), doing the work in the garden, and walking back.
It brought up some frustrated parts of me again (and tears of frustration). I really want to participate fully, and I want to spend mornings working in that garden (and they need the help), but I very likely won’t be able to.
In our culture, we equate productivity with love. I know parts of me do. These parts want to protect me by making sure I do everything correctly – according to the shoulds of society – so I’ll be accepted and loved. That’s confused love.
And there is also a genuine enjoyment in being engaged. I love being physically active, working in the garden, building things, going for long walks and hikes, biking, swimming, and so on. And I often can’t.
In the evening, I chatted with a friend (SL) who lived at the ashram for ten years. She suggested hyperbaric oxygen (HBOT) treatment at Amma’s hospital in Kochi. Earlier today, I asked life/the divine for guidance, so maybe that’s it. I did find a research paper that found that people with CFS improved after three weeks of daily HBOT treatments.
SUNDAY JANUARY 4
I was able to get my Indian SIM card, finally. (It seems the reason the application didn’t go through earlier was that I had used the same name for four different levels of organization – region, department, etc. In Norway, we don’t have that many levels. I made up something to make each different, and it went through.) I enjoyed walking outside the ashram for a bit and seeing the community.
Back at the ashram, I sat at the Kalari for a while while they were doing a puja inside. It came to me to visualize the Kalari in each cell of the body, and also inside each part of my psyche. It was powerful.
This human self was inside the Kalari (at least, just outside and under the Kalari roof). The Kalari, this human self, and the whole field of experience, happen within and as what I am. And the Kalari was inside each cell, and each part of me psychologically.
Later, when sitting in the Big Hall with Amma, I visualized Amma in each cell and each subpersonality.
The satsang was given by one of the devotees, and she talked about pride and Amma (unconditional love, the divine) softening this pride. Pride is a contraction and comes out of separation consciousness.
While sitting in the Big Hall with Amma on the stage, I noticed some pride happening here – in the form of contractions and reactions to some of the people nearby. (Some talked loudly, intensely, and non-stop while Amma was on the stage and a devotee was sharing her experiences.)
The contraction has fear within it, fear that tries to protect this human self. It is pride since it includes seeing me as better than those people. It’s resistance to what’s happening and how life shows up here and now. It comes from separation consciousness, and seeing me as different from them. It comes from blindness to seeing them as a mirror of me and what’s already here in me – as consciousness and at a human level.
I noticed that the unconditional love that permeates everything here helped soften this contraction. (And its aspects of fear, pride, separation/blindness to it as a mirror, etc.)
VISUALIZING THE DIVINE IN EACH CELL, EACH PART OF ME
As mentioned above, I am exploring visualizing the divine in each cell and each part of me.
Sitting in the Kalari, I notice that this human self is in the Kalari. I am space for it all – the Kalari, this human self, the sounds, smells, and so on. And I visualize the Kalari in each cell of this body, and within each of the innumerable parts of this psyche. (My psyche is a mirror of the world, so there are as many parts as there are parts in the world, in other words, indefinite!)
I am also doing the same with Amma when I am with her.
It’s powerful. It’s an invitation to notice – to see, feel, love – it all as the divine and expressions of the divine. And it’s an invitation for profound and ongoing transformation of this human self within that noticing.
I received my second darshan in the evening. Before and after, I sat visualizing Amma in all cells of my body.
For whatever reason, something came to mind. I know that a former devotee wrote a book casting Amma as a fraud. Here is what comes up for me around that:
For me, it’s different for a few different reasons.
She came to me two years before I met her in person. As emptiness, energies, and consciousness, she took me on a three-hour profoundly transforming tour of existence. She is everywhere and everything. And she comes in and often takes over when I do healing. The people receiving the healing can sense her presence. To me, this is more than good enough, although I know that it’s a second-hand story for others.
More to the point, if she were a fraud, she has the effect in the world that the genuine article would have. She serves as a mirror for divine mother / divine feminine and unconditional love for millions of people. Her existence and life help innumerable people find and get in touch with that within themselves. That’s completely genuine and immensely valuable, no matter what.
In a more ordinary sense, her life seems, as far as I can tell, very transparent. She wouldn’t have time or opportunity to live a secret or hidden life. Her many projects are successful. She spends most of the day every day with her devotees.
There is something that can happen with people who follow gurus of any kind, and that is idealization. We see the desired qualities mostly or only in the guru, worship it there, and overlook it in ourselves. This is inherently unbalanced. The healthy way to balance it is to actively and intentionally use the guru as a mirror. How can I find in myself what I see in the guru? In what ways is it already here?
If that’s not possible, for whatever reason, then the balancing may happen by the whole image flipping over in the mind of the devotee. They get hugely disappointed in the guru and may project all kinds of shadow materials onto the guru. Why may it not be possible to use the guru as a mirror for some? Perhaps because of a strong identity that excludes it, rooted in wounds and fear.
Even with my little exposure to Amma, I have seen her telling her devotees to use her as a mirror. That’s wise, true, and loving and shows that she genuinely has the best interests of her devotees at heart.
Finally, if we see someone as a fraud, it’s good to find that too in ourselves. How am I a fraud? Do I present myself as more devoted than I am? Do I tell myself I am more devoted than I am? Do I have a certain image of myself – that I show to myself and others – that’s maybe just part of the story? (That’s almost guaranteed.)
MONDAY JANUARY 5
I went to the village to drop off a copy of my passport at the mobile phone shop. Sat with Kali for a while. Enjoyed a juice from the juice bar. Had lunch with a couple of Vortex Healing friends (G, B). Took a nap since the program seemed to start later in the afternoon. And woke up from feeling that I was at the bottom of the ocean with fragments of issues floating all around, and that I struggled to get back to the surface.
I had channeled Angelic Heart different basic issues the day before and that morning (survival fear, reactivity, etc.), so my sense is that all of that were dislodged fragments of emotional issues. I needed to take it easy the rest of the day, also likely because of the walk into the village in the sun and the heat.
I sensed all the issues floating around and noticed how it’s all held in love.
TUESDAY JANUARY 6
I got sick again and spent the day in bed. When I go deep into healing or meditation, it tends to bring up a lot in my system, and I often get sick. That may have been what happened again, after the “visualizing in the cells” meditation that was powerful.
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 7
I am getting worse and think I am developing pneumonia. I have asked Vortex Healing practitioners to work on me. I often get sick when I am in spaces with air-conditioning, although I need it here because of the heat and humidity. I also can’t help noticing that I got sick immediately after the first hug/darshan with Amma, then got much better, and got dramatically worse again immediately after the second hug.
THURSDAY JANUARY 8
I didn’t sleep much during the night due to coughing and discomfort. In the morning, I asked the Vortex Healing community for help, and several have channeled. I also went to the ashram hospital, and the doctor prescribed antibiotics (although for only five days, that seems too short?) and something to inhale. In the afternoon, I slept very deeply.
It feels good to feel supported. I feel Amma everywhere, including everywhere in this body and psyche. I have the support of the Vortex community. I have the support of the hospital. None of that is a given, and I am deeply grateful.
I am starting my two-year Nondual Meditation Teacher training, and although I love the teachers and feel completely aligned with the program, I am still ambivalent. It requires quite a bit of my resources, both in terms of money, energy, and time. And I am doing it mostly for the community.
It helps me clarify that I want to work more closely with a teacher again, so I contacted Stephan B., who said yes to an initial session. My previous mentor was Bonnie Greenwell, who died a few years ago.
FRIDAY JANUARY 9
I had a good night’s sleep, feel better, and notice I want to do things again, apart from just sleeping.
After some errands in the morning (breathing vapors at the hospital for my lungs, buying more data for my phone across the bridge), I had lunch with several Vortex folks (B, F, S, S, DN).
Then, meditation on the beach with Amma. The sound of the waves goes through everything, the whole world, and I find myself as what it all happens within and as. I also sat with Amma in all cells of my body, and all parts of my psyche, especially those parts that are scared, contracted, reactive, and so on.
There were some contractions coming up at some point, so it was a good opportunity to visualize Amma inside of all of it, gently waking it all up to reality.
DN mentioned something Amma apparently had said: When the guru is alive, it’s a jungle. When the guru is dead, it’s an office. That seems very true. When the guru is alive, everything is alive, rich, and moving. When the guru is gone, the followers make it into something less alive, more structured. We see that in all religions or spiritual traditions that started with a guru, including Christianity.
In the afternoon, I sat in the Kalari (cow shed). This time, just noticing headlessness and the field of experience – the room, the energies, this human self, any sense of an observer/doer, and so on. I especially notice anything that seems slightly more as “I”, where there is slightly more identification, as part of the field, as happening on its own, just like anything else.
Then I sat with Kali, inviting in gentle seeing through anything created in me to protect me, that’s out of alignment with reality. I also sat for a while with my eyes open, with a gentle focus on where my gaze fell, which helps train a more stable attention.
I am reminded of how much I love a community where we share an intention of awakening and service to all life. When I am in this kind of community, I feel that my life is in alignment.
These days, my service takes the form of trying to take care of myself and my health, and maybe that’s enough sometimes. Maybe that’s the most important, in some situations and some periods of life. Maybe it’s OK, and it can and will change. Service has looked different, and it will look different.
For me, being here seems to support embodiment – transforming this human self to be more aligned with reality, and transforming all the different parts of the psyche to be more aligned with reality. I assume this is different for different people, and I am not even sure if this is the main focus for what’s happening with me here. Whatever it is, I trust it and give it all over to the divine. It already belongs to the divine, so why not intentionally hand it all over.
I notice that the afternoon meditation on the beach, combined with my own meditations and sitting with Amma in the big hall for a while, is enough to make my system feel cooked and somewhat fried. I assume this will change in time. (I have a system that easily feels cooked. For others, this is different.)
My stomach is bloated and slightly painful. I suspect it’s because of the antibiotics. It has been fine in the past when I have taken antibiotics, because they have been targeted for specific systems in the body. Maybe this one is broad-spectrum, I am not sure.
SATURDAY & SUNDAY JANUARY 10 / 11
Somehow, I forgot to write anything for Saturday. I did some errands, sat with Amma on the beach for meditation, sat in the darshan line, and was recommended to come back on Sunday since there are a lot of locals for darshan on Saturdays.
I slept much longer than usual on Sunday, maybe 10 hours. It’s probably needed, especially since I think I am usually slightly on the sleep-deprived side. I woke up with a dream fragment where I was good friends with a big cat (leopard or similar), we played rough, and I had a thought that I maybe should be scared, but wasn’t. I have had these kinds of dreams since childhood, where a good and loyal friend is a big cat.
My friendly downstairs neighbor from Colombia showed me a shortcut this morning, and I have been using it since. Lunch with Vortex friends and dinner with Vortex friends (B, S, S) and another friend (H). Then bhajans and darshan.
A few things that have come up:
Someone said about someone leaving that he is disappointed since he is not feeling the way he hoped at the end of his stay. It’s relatable and understandable. At the same time, this is not about chasing feelings or states. It’s about how we relate to it all, and also whether we perceive it all as the divine, as Amma, or as our own nature taking all these forms. That is, of course, easier said than done and comes at its own time. At any time, we can explore meeting our experiences – all of it, including our own reactions – with kindness.
Amma used the word pride, and I have been exploring it. Pride is any identification, any viewpoint we take as real, true, and what and who we are. Wounds, traumas, contractions etc., were created by this kind of pride, and they may internally operate from pride. At the same time, when they come up, I don’t need to take on their viewpoint. I don’t need to pretend I am those wounds. When I do, when I go with the wound and take on its viewpoint as if it’s me, that’s pride. When I don’t, when I recognize what’s happening, that’s grace.
Spiritual materialism. I loved that book when I read it in my mid-twenties and probably still would if I read it again. I see some kinds of apparent spiritual materialism here – people trying to get in as many darshans as possible, buying things that Amma has used, wearing a kind of devotee uniform, etc. I do some of that too, and I also love that aspect. It helps people feel connected. It’s an important part of our path. It’s innocent. It’s just one of many aspects of our relationship with our nature and the divine.
And it’s also very helpful to remember that what’s most important is how we relate to all of life. Do we have an open heart? A receptive mind?
Amma is good at emphasizing that. She did it again today, before the meditation.
If I notice my heart and mind are closed, am I able to recognize it and relate to that with kindness? Am I able to relate to the contraction and fear behind it with understanding and kindness?
Can I find in myself what I see in Amma? Can I use her as a mirror? Can I use the world – and especially that which my personality is drawn to or repulsed by – as a mirror?
If I meditate on my own, I find myself using different meditations, depending on where my system is at. The baseline is to notice and allow, notice it’s all already noticed and allowed, and find myself as headless. I do that if my system is cooked. If there is some capacity, I tend to visualize Amma in all cells of my body, in all parts of my psyche (especially the contractions), and as everyone and everything. I sometimes also sit with a visual focus, a soft gaze about 45 degrees down, and use that focus to train a more stable attention. This is in addition to Amma’s meditations etc.
MONDAY JANUARY 12
I woke up after many hours of sleep again, maybe 10 (?) hours. I felt like I had been hit by a truck, and wonder if it had to do with the darshan the night before.
In the late morning, S and I went to the beach, where he showed me a basic practice he learned from the Optimum Health Clinic in London. They specialize in CFS/ME, use a holistic/integrated approach, and are now offering it all as sessions online. He recovered from CFS/ME through their program, and likely a few other things. I am pretty sure I’ll do their program.
The technique is a way to reprogram ourselves. It helps shift us out of draining patterns and into more peaceful ones. Most of us have many small and a few larger issues that drain our energy, so freeing up that energy makes more energy available for healing and recovery.
Sensing 4 with Anthony started at 2pm. I am glad to now have plenty of data. The first transmission felt like having a heavy blanket on top of me and my whole system, and I felt extremely sleepy. The first transmission in the evening was interesting. I asked Amma to help with deep and lived awakening through this human self, and I saw her pulling out wet rags from several parts of my system (especially abdomen and some parts of the nervous system), and she also lit my brain up so it became a substantial golden light and shiny. There was a tremendous amount of light in my system. (It was also interesting how it all quickly faded back into emptiness. It all comes from and is emptiness, so it’s nice it can arise and dissolve back quickly.)
During the second tea break, Anthony gave me a 10-15 minute healing to help my system integrate and process at a deeper level all that’s happening. He said it will help my energy system interface with my physical body in a different way. He also used the analogy of having been in a car crash, and instead of going back into the same car, go into a new car that hasn’t crashed.
TUESDAY JANUARY 13
I had breakfast with a couple of Vortex healers, including E. who I shared AirBnB with for Amma’s event in London without knowing she was a Vortex healer! She just arrived here. I talked with S. outside the Kali Temple about the technique he showed me yesterday. I find it enjoyable and very helpful.
The technique helps reprogram the mind so it goes less into energy-thief patterns. Doing it has already helped me notice a few things. For instance, my fear of crashing goes back to a time fifteen years ago when I had a big crash and long lasting worsening of my condition. That was many years ago, and I am in a different situation now. I am much better with pacing, and I have Vortex Healing – and Amma. Another is that when I find a memory of a time I felt how I would like to feel, I often go back to Breema intensives and meditations with Amma. That says something about what it’s worth prioritizing.
S. mentioned the intention to be an instrument for Amma and the divine. That is coming up for me too, to live a life in service, for the divine to take over this life. That intention was very sincere and strong for me in my late teens and twenties. It faded somewhat when the dark night started, when I had gone against a clear inner guidance on a major life decision. And the last fifteen years or so, I have had to focus on my health and just surviving. Now, the sincere wish for my life to be in service of the divine and life is returning. Of course, everything is already the divine and in service of the divine, and it’s also different when that is a sincere and conscious wish and prayer.
Then, some time with Kali, and then Amma and meditation and prasad (Amma serves us food) in the big hall. I returned to my apartment just in time for the second day of Sensing 4 with Anthony. It rained in the afternoon, which I enjoyed very much.
During a couple of the transmission sessions, some agitation came up, triggered by someone in the neighbor’s house playing extremely loud music with the bass turned to max. That kind of noise is one of the big triggers for me. (Possibly connected to hearing my mother nagging my father almost literally non-stop when I grew up, including clearly through the ceiling of my basement room.)
On top of that, the downstairs neighbors are doing something that’s also very noisy with frequent and loud bangs that reverberate through the building. It’s been like that for a long time now.
I remember how important it is to ask the divine / Amma for help. I often have repeated and ongoing trouble with something practical, ask the divine / Amma sincerely for help, and then it works. That was the case with getting the Indian SIM card. For different reasons, it wasn’t possible for the first three weeks here. Then I remembered to sincerely ask Amma for help, and it went through relatively easily.
I am also asking for help with issues, including the sound sensitivity / reactivity which has a big impact on my life and takes a lot of energy. In Amma’s terminology, it’s a form of pride, and I notice it helps to see it through that lens. I visualize Amma going inside of that issue, awakening it up, and softening any pride connected with it, and I stay with that visualization.
Being at Amma’s ashram and in a Vortex Healing class, I am reminded of how much I love being in an intentional community, especially one with an awakening focus.
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 14
This morning, I woke up to a message from an old friend (BvdF). She had been with Amma in Holland, was curious about going to Amma’s ashram, found this post, and contacted me. We have been out of contact for a while. (Something happened a while ago that was likely both of our wounds communicating with each other.)
I am skipping breakfast today since I’ll receive a Chi Nei Tsang session, Taoist abdominal massage, although I did go to have chai. The Chi Nei Tsang was wonderful, and reminded me of Breema bodywork. This session seemed to put the therapeutic aspect in focus, where Breema has presence and the nine principles in focus – which makes the session deeply therapeutic.
Some days ago, I tried working in the garden for seva, but it was too much for me with the travel, the physical work, and my limited energy. If I had a little more energy, I would have loved to do it. Instead, life gave me the opportunity to help with Amma’s tables, the tables where they sell clothes, jewelry, etc. that Amma has used. It feels perfect. B. has been doing it, and he is leaving in six days, so it gives me time to be trained and take over for him. Seems I’ll do it morning and late afternoons, which will fit in after breakfast and before dinner.
At lunch, I met with a fellow Scandinavian who lives near Oslo, who arrived a few days ago. She had seen this post and contacted me. I enjoyed our connection, and she reminded me of past friends (MI and ). I went to meditation with Amma at the beach, and then seva, Kali temple, and a ceremony with Lakshmi – the elephant – in front of the Kali temple with temporary mandalas painted on the ground and many oil lamps on the temple steps.
I attended a puja at night in the Kalari (cow shed), although I didn’t stay until the end because I felt unwell. My system has felt disorganized this afternoon and evening (with nausea, headache, and generally feeling sick), which may also be because I need to do more VH catch-ups and integration after the class and all the other movements over the last few days and weeks.
THURSDAY JANUARY 15
I am in the beginning of a CFS/ME crash, so I channeled for myself for a while after waking up. It helps to energize (for me, especially compressed chi), and it helps even more to help my system organize. It seems that a crash is as much or more about disorganization than lack of energy.
After lunch, I went to the juice stall. It’s becoming a nice routine. Then, the Kali Temple. And then rest. My system seems right on the edge of a bigger crash so resting is the best medicine. It’s also doing something with my old habit of having pride around being able to do a great number of things and doing it well. It’s a good humbling.
An old pattern came up today. The brain fog was stronger due to the min-crash. It brings up social anxiety and fear that I won’t be able to interact well with others. Which in turn brings up self-consciousness. Which makes me want to hide and be alone, and if I interact with others, the layer of self-consciousness often makes it more awkward than it needs to be. It’s good to see.
I find myself as space for it all. I notice it as what I am – awake space, consciousness – forming itself into it all. I also visualized Amma / the divine inside all of it, waking it up.
FRIDAY JANUARY 16
I have been here a month now. It’s been a blessing to be here with an experience of Amma’s consciousness and energy everywhere and holding and supporting it all. With grace, there is also some transformation.
And because of my health and not being able to do as much as I would like, it’s also been slightly disappointing and frustrating for parts of my personality. These parts come with painful stories and fear, frustration (a form of anger), and shame. This morning, I had to say no to someone asking me if I could help lift something. I have been thanking these parts of me for protecting me, and thanking them for their love for me.
In Ram’s Bazar, one of the shops in the Kali Temple, I opened a book on a random page. It was the beginning of a chapter where Amma talks about moderation, not doing too much, and respecting the limitations of the body. It’s a message for me in my situation, and that it’s OK to live within my current limitations. Not that I have much choice.
The choice is to be here or leave. And if I am here, to do more than my body can and collapse, or do what is possible for me. And if I do what’s possible for me, then either fight it or find acceptance for it or even embrace it. Being here feels more than right. I have learned enough to want to avoid crashes, and I am wishing for acceptance and embrace for my situation. I do find it now and then, through grace.
I had a good conversation with B at lunch, and also with S and N from Canada (Vancouver Island).
For dinner, I finally went to the Indian café for dinner and enjoyed the food very much.
SATURDAY JANUARY 17
Early morning, I had a dream where I was visiting IF, a friend from high school. For whatever reason, I was naked with just a comforter around me, and her family started showing up. I was able to change into presentable clothes, but was concerned about what they would think about me. When I go back into the dream, I see it mirrors some of my experiences here. I feel that my hangups and wounds are on the surface, and a part of me is concerned about what people will think.
I am extremely tired. It doesn’t help that the closest neighbor, which is a village house and not connected to the ashram, is blasting out music starting 5am and sometimes goes late at night. (The bass is not stopped by any earplugs I have.) The cough is also back, as is the feeling that something is in my lungs. My inner knowing said the whole time that five days of antibiotics were not enough, but I don’t know if that’s the reason.
On the first and second days with antibiotics, I felt much better. I functioned closer to normal at the end of the treatment and for a couple of days after. On Wednesday, the second day after the treatment, I got very tired and felt unwell in the afternoon, and even more so on Thursday and Friday. Today, on Saturday, the cough and feeling that something is in my lungs are back.
I had lunch at the Western café, with B and several others. It was fun, also that we were from many countries (UK, Poland, Germany x2, France, Norway) and with a shared focus and intention.
One has been involved in Sufis for many years. She said that the essence of Sufism is to see all of life and experience as the divine. (Or… maybe to see, feel, and love it all as the divine, and finding ourselves as awake space seeing, feeling, and loving all as itself.)
One of the topics was mother issues and general parental issues, which One of the topics was mother issues and general parental issues, which are common among several here, including me. It makes sense. If we didn’t feel fully loved growing up, and didn’t internalize unconditional love, it’s natural to seek it through a divine mother – and a human being, Amma, who exemplifies and lives that unconditional love. She is a mirror, and ideally helps us find it in ourselves.
are common among several here, including me. It makes sense. If we didn’t feel fully loved growing up, and didn’t internalize unconditional love, it’s natural to seek it through a divine mother – and a human being, Amma, who exemplifies and lives that unconditional love. She is a mirror, and ideally helps us find it in ourselves.
Why am I here? It’s partly for that reason. I wish to deepen into living that unconditional love for my experience and the different parts of myself, especially the wounded and hurt parts. It’s also because I love these kinds of intentional communities, especially when there is a focus on awakening in a non-dual context. More than that, it’s because of the Amma experience and shift that happened a little over two years ago now. It’s because I felt I was going to be here after seeing Amma in London a few weeks ago, and it’s better to go before it gets hot in April. Mainly, I am here because of and for the mystery. It’s ultimately a mystery for me why I am here.
Last fall, I felt I needed deep rest after so many months of pressure and stress, and I also wanted to be in an intentional community focused on awakening. I went back and forth between the two options – Tallin, Morocco, Zen River in the Netherlands, the Zen Center in the mountains in Spain, Vækstsenteret. I realize I am now where I have both. Because of the infection I have had for about four weeks now, I have needed deep rest and sleep, and I am also in Amma’s ashram. So although I have been frustrated about not being able to participate more, I realize I am living exactly what I wished for. Isn’t that ironic? And beautiful. And a reminder to be conscious about what we ask for…!
SUNDAY JANUARY 18 / MONDAY JANUARY 19
I saw the Ayurvedic doctor in the morning and got some prescriptions to help me recover from the infection I have had for the last month. In the evening, I had the first small group meeting in the Nondual Meditation Teacher (NDMT) training. It was challenging since it was very late here, I was exhausted, and my brain fog had been especially strong. It’s an invitation to explore surrender, of course. Not much else I can do. In general, I am not sure about that training. The content and the teachers are very good, but I am not sure about the match with my situation right now.
I sat on the beach for a while on Monday morning, reading Living Vedanta, one of the books published by the ashram. A German woman I had lunch with the other day noticed someone struggling in the ocean. It seemed he was being pulled further out by the big waves. Fortunately, there is a small police station there, so they were notified and were able to rescue him. It brought up visceral memories of when something similar happened to me in California some years ago. (I could reach the bottom, but each wave lifted me up and further out.) Several of us had lunch to say goodbye to B. who is leaving tonight.
Before the afternoon meditation, Amma will sometimes mischievously and with a loving smile “roast” one of the long-term devotees sitting close to her. It’s engaging, and what she talks about applies to all of us. It’s an example of skillful speech.
TUESDAY JANUARY 20
I sat on the beach in the morning, reading Living Vedanta and exploring it for myself. What I am forms itself into all this content of experience, including this human self with his chronic and temporary illness, his issues from childhood and teens, his experience of intergenerational and collective trauma, and so on. As Big Mind, I form myself into all of it, including sometimes the experience of getting caught up in it, of fundamentally being this human self with these troubles and joys.
I was also reminded of the importance of exploring projections both ways. I can find in myself what I see in others and the world. I can find genuine and specific examples of it. I actively use the world as a mirror for myself. What’s there is also here. And the other direction is equally important. What I see in myself, and know here, is in others and the world – at least as a grain, potentials, a part. That too helps me see that we are all in the same boat. I am not unique in my hangups, wounds, insights, and so on. What’s here is also there, to some extent and in some form.
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 21
I have had a challenging time since yesterday afternoon – with exhaustion, emotional issues from my teens surfacing, and feeling I am swimming in it all. My physical health is not very good after five weeks of infection on top of the usual CFS.
It’s not difficult to notice my nature and yet I am also right in the middle of all content of experience without being able to “step out” of it as I have been used to. I wonder if I am invited to find a different relationship to it all. Of course, I already am it all.
How can I be it all, and still find a good way to relate to it? How can I relate to it when there is no “I” outside of it, or even as a part within it? Maybe that’s the question.
One answer is to notice the nature of it all.
I wrote this after waking up, and noticed the nature of what’s here – including the feelings of brain fog, social anxiety, not feeling well, and so on. It’s all awake space, just like everything, just like what I am. Something shifted. I had a fruit salad for breakfast.
At lunch, I talked with EO from England. We coincidentally shared AirBnB in London for Amma’s visit in November, without knowing that we both are in Vortex Healing. Today, we discovered that we are in the same Zen lineage – White Plum. So we have at least three things in common.
She mentioned some questions she has about how Zen, Vortex Healing, and Amma connect or work together. For me, the essence is that all are non-dual. Zen is non-dual, VH is nondual, and Amma is non-dual.
They are all about our nature noticing itself and living from and as that. In VH, it includes channeling and sensing from and as that.
Within that, there is an almost infinite amount of connections and dynamics to explore, including how the three paths fit together and complement each other.
In my experience, Zen meditation is excellent for practicing a more stable attention and to notice and allow what’s here, and notice it’s already noticed and allowed. Zen also tends to cut out anything peripheral and sidetracks. It’s grounding.
Vortex Healing works on the energy side of healing and awakening, and is excellent for that. It also has a nice international community.
Amma has the divine feminine, lived all-inclusive love, and includes Advaita Vedanta and the clarity found there.
Today feels like I have lived several lifetimes. I felt increasingly unwell during the meditation today and noticed the nature of all content of experience – sensations, feeling unwell, any sense of observer or doer, and so on. The awake space I am noticed all of it as itself. Even if this is not far away, it’s different to consciously notice it. It does something different. When I was closer to receiving darshan, the unwell feeling cleared up. I asked for a mantra, which felt right.
There is something happening here that is familiar to me. When I do deep/strong practices or healing sessions, it tends to bring up a lot in my system. This tends to disorganize my system, and I feel unwell – often headache, nausea, and a strong unwell feeling. If I sit in the Kalari or with Kali, and also do the meditation with Amma, and the bhajans in the evening, it tends to bring up a lot. One or two feel more manageable, right now at least. I assume my system will acclimate over time.
One solution, which I have discovered relatively recently – slow as I sometimes am – is to do Vortex Healing catch-ups and integration, and maybe also energization. All of it helps my system integrate the movements and deal with it a little better.
THURSDAY JANUARY 22
I woke up with strong intermittent belly pain, diarrhea, and likely fever. I stayed in bed and slept most of the day.
I received darhsan (hug) last night. Since I came, there has been a pattern of feeling sick some hours before darshan, and also the day after and the following days. Maybe because it creates strong movements in my system, and my system is not so good at handling it. (It actually knows perfectly well one way to handle it, it’s just that it’s uncomfortable for me.)
This has been a pattern my whole adult life. Many kinds of healings – craniosacral, breath work, energy healing, deep/strong meditations – tends to be followed by my system feeling overwhelmed, disorganized, and collapsing to some extent. I often end up sick in bed for days and sometimes weeks after. It’s as if my system doesn’t know how to better deal with the movements.
FRIDAY JANUARY 23
A friend (TA) suggested dialoging with my body. I did, and my body seemed angry at me, overwhelmed, and in meltdown. It’s all too much, and it feels alone, abandoned, and ignored. It was surprising to me, since I thought I was in tune with my body and listening to it, but I realized it was all according to my own ideas of how it should look. I have rarely had a dialogue with my body, where I allow it to speak. (I must have, some years ago, in Voice Dialog/Big Mind Process, but it’s a long time ago now.)
My body is telling me to communicate with it, including before darshan, healing sessions, and anything else that will bring changes. It helps it prepare and deal better with what’s happening.
What comes up is that even if I thought I was listening to my body, it’s been from a kind of colonialist attitude, seeing it as an object, something to use to get what I want.
I get the impression that my body doesn’t know about what’s happening in my life and circumstances. It doesn’t understand or know about darshans, Vortex Healing sessions, and so on. So I am taking some time to explain.
In general, there seems to be a disconnect and we live in different worlds and existences.
I explain to my body how these meltdowns impact me and my life, and also the impact of the CFS and brain fog.
Now, there is mostly a sense of the body in meltdown, unable to deal with most of what’s going on, even in daily life. That matches how it is to live with CFS.
Later in the day, I communicated to my body that it’s more than OK for it to be healthy, to deal with things in a more healthy way.
What brings up a strong reaction in my system? Mostly deeper healing work – Vortex Healing for emotional or physical issues, breath work, craniosacral, and so on, and also meditations more explicitly aimed at transformations like visualizing the divine in all cells, tonglen, and so on.
What is OK? Basic meditation – to notice and allow what’s here, and notice it’s already noticed and allowed. Noticing headlessness. Prayer. (Unless it’s a deep prayer for transformation.) Vortex Healing energization, catch-up, and integration, and using the “consciousness tools” like Vortex Therapy, Grid, Angelic Heart.
What helps to prevent a strong reaction from my system? To mostly use those from the second category. To do those from the first category for shorter periods and not too much in a day. To generally vary my approaches. To give my system time to rest and integrate.
What do the reactions look like? Usually, feeling sick. Headaches. Nausea. Strong fatigue. Brain fog. A sense that my system is disorganized and out at sea. Unable to get out of bed apart from for the essentials. Need to rest. This can go for days, weeks, and sometimes months.
What helps to recover? Rest. Vortex Healing catch-ups and integration – at first, it helps if someone else can do it for me, and as I recover I can usually do it for myself.
Is it related to the CFS? Yes, I suspect so. The symptoms are similar to a CFS-crash, although not exactly the same. Maybe the underlying causes of both are the same or overlapping. I don’t know.
SATURDAY JANUARY 24
I remember fragments of a dream where I am back at a university in the US where I used to study. It has a strong connection with Norway, which is obvious several places. I am back to study again, feel home, and am looking forward to it. I am also guiding others who are there and have less experience.
In waking life, being at Amritapuri feels like being at a university. It feels like being back at a regular university (the setting is similar) and also a spiritual university (like the Zen center). I feel at home, signified by the Norwegian elements. I sometimes guide newcomers, which I have done here too.
I had a nice, and short, conversation with DN over breakfast. Then, a few errands and the hospital and a blood test and x-ray of my chest. A good conversation with SS over lunch. (DN and SS are both from London.) I saw the doctor again in the afternoon, and he put me on a different kind of antibiotics along with some other medicines, including some to be inhaled morning and evening. I feel better already, knowing I am in good hands and back on the antibiotics. It’s been five weeks now with this infection.
I had sent an email to the main Vortex Healing teacher about going to Kochi for the hyperbaric oxygen treatment (HBOT). He said he can’t find any virus, so I don’t have CFS, so it won’t make a difference. In fairness, he did also ask the divine with a pendulum and got a low number.
I don’t really agree with his reasoning. I had the Epstein-Barr virus in my system for 35 years and it did a lot of damage to different organs and systems. That damage is still here, and the symptoms of CFS are still here. So to me, it makes sense to say I still have CFS. At the very least, I have the after effects and damage from CFS, and the symptoms look almost exactly the same as CFS with a virus in the system.
The one difference I noticed after we got rid of the virus is that I have avoided the big swings and the big crashes since. That is a significant difference, although the rest is here – PEM, fatigue, brain fog, IBS, and so on.
Of course, it may be that HBOT won’t help me, and that his pendulum is accurate. I am not sure.
I have been exploring surrender and engagement today.
Surrender includes reminding myself that all already is the divine. I can hand it all over to the divine, and it’s already done. It was never not already handed to the divine. It was never not already the divine. The difference is that by intentionally handing it over, I am reminding myself of that.
At the same time, engagement has a place. The dreams, wishes, and orientations of this human self counts too.
It’s not one or the other. It’s both. Both are the divine. Both are expressions of the divine. Both are the divine exploring itself in different ways.
How does it look in practice? Handing it all over to the divine. Reminding myself it’s all already the divine. Asking the divine to guide me. Asking the divine for guidance on specific things. Praying for Your will to happen. And also finding what feels good for this human self, what he is drawn to, what would be interesting and exciting, and see how it’s aligned with where life is moving.
I wore a nice linen shirt from Norway today, one of the two I brought with me. Earlier, I have just been wearing t-shirts, which has been fine. But this personality likes and feels more at home and more comfortable with the linen shirts, so why not? Why not try both? Why not see how he responds and what changes? One thing I noticed changing today is that he felt more at home and more comfortable.
A series of children gave satsang today. One talked about how dogs, and all beings, are Amma’s children, the children of the divine. The other day, they showed a video of Amma hugging people about to plant trees and kissing the saplings. Both brought tears to my eyes. This is so needed today. Recognizing the divine in all beings and nature is crucial medicine for our civilization and humanity.
Amma gently roasted one of the girls who was very eloquent, and then started fighting with another child for a seat. She said she had grasped the ego of understanding, but not the understanding of the ego. As usual, she did it with a big smile and lots of love, and it’s for all of us.
SUNDAY JANUARY 25
I woke up from a dream. I saw and viscerally felt how my whole world changes based on different choices made, and how – no matter how it reorganizes and unfolds – it’s all more than OK. It’s all life, the divine, the divine mother, forming itself into it all. It’s all life, existence, the divine exploring itself as it all. It’s difficult to put into words how deeply felt it was, and it was from the view of the divine, of the whole, the totality. I wrote a post on this dream.
Had a nice lunch conversation with SS first, and then EO. I only had breakfast and 1/2 a dinner, and skipped lunch due to not feeling very well.
I notice that being with Amma in meditation and bhajans is very strong and creates a lot of movements in my system. It likely also brings up anything in me not aligned with truth and love. Since my system is already struggling a bit, it tends to come with nausea, headaches, light headedness, and generally feeling sick.
That tells me something about how strong it is to just be in the vicinity of Amma, and how strong it is to do meditation and bhajans with her. Being in the hall while she is giving darshans is a little easier for my system. The same comes up, but less strong.
MONDAY JANUARY 26
Still not feeling very well. Did the final “nebulizer” session at the hospital in the morning. Giving it all over to the divine / Amma, and noticing how it’s already the divine / Amma. It’s all the will of the divine, and essentially my will. So why not consciously align with it? How is it to consciously align with it?
There are many parts of that don’t want to align with it, and that’s very understandable. I notice those too. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me.
Two nights ago, I walked under some trees full of birds. They collect there at dusk. I thought, I would happily that they shit on me a million times if it means the birds are thriving. Yesterday, of course, I got bird shit on my shirt, bag, and pants! It was as if life / the divine / Amma was testing me. Do you really mean it? Yes, I do, even if parts of me don’t. And, of course, birds can thrive without shitting on me. That would be better.
With my secular and atheist background, I can’t help imagining how some see Amma devotees and the ashram. (Misguided at best, misled at worst.)
I also know how it seems to me, with my limited but real enough experience.
I am here because I want to use Amma as a mirror, and find here what I see and imagine there.
I see Amma as an expression of existence being aware of itself, life aware of itself, the divine aware of itself – as all. She is all of that, and she is a mirror for that here too.
I am feeling much worse early afternoon. This is the divine, of course. It’s part of the play of the divine. It’s life exploring itself as this too. And for all I know, there may be more to it – a way for me to find humility and consciously align closer with reality, a way to burn out conditioning this psyche created to protect this human self, a way to burn out karma. There are many ways to see it.
I asked Amma if she / the divine is giving this to me. For my inner eye, I saw her transform to Kali and say yes. (The transformation was slightly surprising, shocking, and confusing at first, which shows it wasn’t consciously created.)
It’s true in a kind of passive sense. Amma as the divine, as life, creates itself into everything, including this feeling sick and this human being sick and how he relates to it and the awake space it’s all happening within and as. It may well be true in a more active sense too, that it comes now to burn something out in me as part of the awakening and embodiment process.
TUESDAY JANUARY 27
I dreamt that I and a friend (CS) got into a situation that looked terrible for us legally. In reality, we were innocent, and more than innocent since we went way beyond what most would do to resolve it for the best for everyone. A large group of police surrounded and caught us.
A pattern in my life is that I am innocent, accused for something, and often not believed. That has happened since my childhood. Most recently, it happened last year. The roof of our house collapsed, almost killing us. A third-party report showed that the architects and builder had shared responsibility. The architects took us to court, which was extremely stressful for me in the middle of everything else going on. (Mother dying, parents house being sold and I alone with getting it ready, and so on.)
Also, I sometimes go far beyond what others would do to do something good for everyone, and it’s not believed. (For instance, in one job in my twenties, I only counted half of the hours I worked since I knew the business struggled with money. I got reprimanded and held back because I, on paper, didn’t work enough hours. In reality, I worked a lot and just didn’t get paid for about half. I got punished for doing something I thought would help the business.)
Before falling asleep, I had worries about money. I have a very limited income, not really enough to pay for essentials. With my health, it’s also unlikely that I will be able to work to increase my income. A similar dynamic happens there. I am often generous with money, including donations yesterday. I also refuse to be (what I consider) cynical with my money, the way some are. And it hurts me in some ways.
I asked Ric about the overload I experience when I am close to Amma for hours at a time. (A lot of things are coming up in my system, and it gets disorganized and I either feel sick or actually get sick with a bug.) He seems on the same page as me.
He sees it as my system cleansing itself. He recommends doing all the darshans even if I feel sick after. (Which I am doing.) And he didn’t say anything about the other activities. I take it to mean that those are secondary, and it’s OK to adjust according to what I can do.
I had liquid lunch consisting of kombucha and mango juice. Two meals seems to be all my body can do these days. A good conversation with EO.
In the December 2025 edition of Matruvani, I see that there is an ecovillage in France close to Amma’s France ashram with many devotees living there. It’s located in Eure-et-Loir.
It seems to be the Eco-Hamlet of Plessis southwest of Paris. Their website is only in French so I guess they are not oriented towards international visitors or residents. Here is an article in English.
VISA
A while back, at the Rudraksha garden, I talked with a French woman who said she was here three months at the end of last year, and then three months this year. I didn’t think about it too much until today, and looked up my one-year multiple-entry visa.
The rules seem to be (a) no more than 180 days each calendar year, and (b) no more than 90 days at a time. I guess that means I also can stay for 90 days, briefly leave India, and then return for 90 more days?
Because of the climate, it may work well to be here for three months at the end of the year, leave India for a few days, and return and stay the three first months of the new year. (Of course, Amma may go on an international tour in October/November, and one or two Indian tours in February/March, but that’s OK.) I need to double check and triple check.
EO and I made an agreement that the one of us first to the dharsan line would hold a seat for the other. (We were next to each other in the darshan line last time, by coincidence/synchronicity.)
I rested a bit in the afternoon to be ready for darshan and possibly a long evening. On my way back to the meditation/darshan line, I decided to stop at the Indian chai line. The schedule says 3:30pm, and it has been that time when I had done it before, and it would work well in terms of timing. I was number three in the men’s line, and nothing happened at 3:30pm. My guidance said to leave and go to the big hall, but my mind was too fixed on the chai, so I stayed until closer to 4pm. At that time, I heard the bhajans starting, so I rushed over to the big hall. Fortunately, EO had reserved a seat for me. It was a gentle lesson, although important. Prioritize, and follow my guidance. And, maybe, find mutual support in a friend!
The darshan happened very fast. I sat for a while on the stage after. I try to stay as long as I can.
AL called and we had a nice conversation, mostly about being at the ashram. In spite of being sick a lot of the time, it’s an infinite blessing to be here.
As I was having my dinner, I saw an announcement saying that mantra card holders (the ones receiving a mantra from Amma) should gather at the left of the stage. I finished my food, rushed over, and was shown up to the stage. Receiving the mantra also happened fast. The man explaining the mantra practice to me was from Sweden, which also was a nice synchronicity, and I was invited to join the Swedish gathering on Mondays.
He also mentioned – paraphrased, I don’t remember his exact words! – that Amma is our nature, or that Amma’s nature is our nature. It makes me happy that this is in the foreground here.
After the darshan, it felt like some bottom had dropped out of my system. The awakeness everything happens within and as has been strongly in the foreground.
I find I have a more direct and visceral experience of “unfortunate” experiences and situations as being given directly from Amma / the divine. Of course, it is since everything is already Amma / the divine. But to have it in the foreground of experience is something different. They are here to help purify me, to clear out patterns created to protect this human self and apparently separate self.
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 28
I woke up with a steadiness in my system, a lot of light, and a sense of rootedness. Not sure if it’s from the darshan, or the final session of the group healing series to optimize the brain I also did last night, or a combination.
On my walk to breakfast, and later in the morning, I explored my new mantra from the evening before.
At the Western Café, I noticed a slight annoyance from people talking loudly etc. I noticed that a part of me wanted to hold onto the nice experience and state, and saw the people as disturbing “my peace. Of course, it’s not my peace, they are not disturbing anything, I am disturbing myself, and it’s not worth trying to hold onto any state if it creates stress and discomfort. Seeing that, I let it all go. States and experiences come and go.
Later in the morning, I got extremely sleepy and took a nap. I suspect this too has to do with either the darshan or the healing session or both.
During meditation with Amma, I explored some sensations and images in and around my head and neck there is a soft identification with. I notice the sensations, notice them as sensations, and rest in that noticing. I notice the images, notice them as images, and rest in that noticing. I also invited Amma / the divine to awaken it all.
Again, extreme sleepiness in the afternoon and evening. It feels good, especially after periods where I had major sleep problems. CFS can come with strong fatigue combined with a wiredness that makes sleep difficult. (Fatigue without sleepiness, and without refreshing sleep, is very challenging.) It seems that after learning better pacing some years ago (late 2010s), and after finding Vortex Healing and VH energization, my sleep has become better. Sleepiness is wonderful.
THURSDAY JANUARY 29
I slept well, only woke up a few times. The deep sleepiness is still in me, and it feels good. (It feels healthy, in the direction of health.)
Ric (main VH teacher) suggested I channel Aliveness for all the cells in my body, to help with digesting healing and awakening movements in my system. Yesterday, it was 2-3 out of ten. Today, after a few shorts channeling sessions for myself, it’s up to 5-6. I’ll keep doing it, with lots of time in between and catch-up and integration. (Angelic Heart feels good for catch-up and integration.)
I am also asking Amma for help with digesting healing and awakening movements, and life in general. That is my prayer this morning.
Digesting (a) the movements, (b) what may surface because of it (whatever in my system is not aligned with truth and love and my nature recognizing itself), and (c) life in general.
I slept very deeply between breakfast and lunch. Feels like a healing sleep. I woke up from someone putting down a plastic bucket (?) outside, and saw an image of Amma with the bucket and a big smile, waking me up for lunch. When I saw the time, it was exactly the right time for lunch.
I kept channeling Aliveness (Vortex Healing) into all the cells, off and on. In the evening, it seems to be up to an 8-9.
FRIDAY JANUARY 30
In the morning, I went to the doctor and got a continuation on my prescription since I still have cough etc.
Aliveness (Vortex Healing tool / aspect) in my system is now up to 9-10. It does feel different, although I also sense that it may take some time for it to ripple through my system.
I wanted to organize a bit for my adventures in Europe in March. Nothing seemed to work, maybe because of slow internet, so I decided to come back to it. (The alternative would be to keep hitting my head against the wall.)
After lunch, I had a conversation either EO while sipping juice at the juice stall. We talked about our shared love for cats and more. Amma didn’t start until closer to four today, so we had a long conversation. A strong sleepiness came up during the satsang and meditation.
After the previous satsangs here, I got sick. I then asked Amma (inner Amma) to help my system digest the movements better. And after the last darshan, Tuesday this week, I did not get sick. Instead, I have experienced a very strong sleepiness off and on, almost like strong jet lag. It’s much easier, and maybe the way my system digests the movements from the darshan now.
JANUARY 31, 2026
A DREAM
I woke up from a dream this morning.
I am in a colder climate, with a group of people, and a guru. It seems to be in the UK. The people are relatively well off and welcoming and inviting, although I feel a bit like an outsider. The guru is a high and respected teacher from Tibetan Buddhist tradition or Advaita Vedanta. I am invited to have personal meeting with the guru. Apparently, the guru specifically invited me. I am traveling and slightly disorganized, and feel I don’t have the right clothes. When I arrive, I have some of the clothes on, and additional clothes with me to put on since I expect it to be cold. While I am off for a minute, the host put the clothes somewhere else and it all gets a little confusing. As I get to the area of the house (mansion) where the guru is, I see that everyone else now are painted and dressed up as deities, mostly in green and gold. I will be painted and dressed up too. I thought I was in a rush, but it turns out there is plenty of time. I am told each interview is for 80 minutes, and it will be filmed and released to the public later. I feel that in my (health) condition, and with my brain fog, the interview with me may not be very good compared to the others.
KEEP THE LESSON, NOT THE RESENTMENT
I have had a series of experiences of something falling apart over the recent years. I lost everything (house, money, belongings) in a divorce, when I was very sick in Norway. The roof on my house collapsed and could have killed me, a third-party report found the architects and builder responsible, they all refused responsibility, and the architects initiated a court case against me for defamation. Someone close to me repeatedly gave me wrong information, insisting she knew it was correct, I made decisions based on it, and it turned out the information was wrong. And so on.
Although I don’t notice it in daily life, there is still resentment here. There is still some bitterness and anger, which I can find if I look. Those are parts of me that want to protect me. But bitterness and resentment is not needed for learning. It’s better to invite this to heal, and keep what I can learn from it.
Keep the lesson, not the resentment. That phrase came to me just now, as a reminder.
I am asking Amma – the divine, the divine feminine – to help me with this. I connect with the knot of resentment in me. I find it as Amma. I invite it to wake up to its own nature.
AMMA
I may have heard about Amma for the first time in the 2000s (maybe earlier), but not through a devotee or anyone who knew her. Since my background was more from Buddhism and Taoism, I wasn’t very interested. And I also saw those approaches as likely more sophisticated.
That’s not how I see it anymore.
I am still very grateful for Buddhism and Taoism, feel deeply connected with them, and see them as sophisticated and good paths, so that has not changed.
What has changed is how I see Amma, her ashram and devotees, and that path. In my experience, this path does not lack anything. It has action, devotion, and insight. And it has the divine holding me, and meeting me. It feels like one step from my side is met with many more steps from the side of the divine.
MOTHERS
I find it interesting that Amma first came to me when my human mother was already quite sick, and that I first met Amma in her physical form shortly after my human mother died. (She died in August last year, and I saw the physical Amma for the first time in London in November.) Also, I am now at the ashram.
Somehow, it doesn’t feel like a coincidence.
A RARE & PRECIOUS OPPORTUNITY
I remember my old Zen teacher, Genpo Roshi, would encourage us to not take anything related to the practice – the teacher or sangha or the motivation or possibility to practice – for granted. It comes together for a while, and is then gone again.
Not many years later, the Zen center imploded.
That’s very much alive for me. Ric, the main Vortex Healing teacher, is in his early 70s, so he may not realistically have that many teaching years left. Amma is 72, so it’s similar with her. I almost died twice over the last few years (drowning + sepsis) which reminds me that I can go at any moment.
They are here, and I am too, and that won’t be the case for that much longer. So let’s make the most out of it. If it’s important, do it now. Take the classes. Spend time with Amma.
As the old sayings go: There is no time like the present. There is actually no time other than the present. Everything else does not exist. It’s not here. It’s only found in imagination.
Don’t wait until tomorrow with what you can do today.
Journal Entries February 2026
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 1
DREAM
I have a small pot with a few seedlings. They are in sand, which washes away when I water. So I add some healthy dark crumbly soil. There are lots of roots, and more plants growing than I first thought. One plant is already quite large, although it wasn’t initially visible on the surface. A female friend of mine had planted the seeds (?) and taken care of it for me, although we now care for it together.
I wrote about this dream in a separate article.
I had a good lunch with EO, SS, and (forgot her name! Indian living in London).
After, EO and I had a milkshake at the juice stall and a long and good conversation. At some point, a woman sat down at the same table as us with three rudraksha seedlings in round pots and transferred them for transportation. EO was talking about one of her dreams just then, so it was an all-around synchronicity with my dream from this morning.
I am also aware that my connection with EO has been filled with synchronicities. We shared AirBnB for Amma’s event in London, without knowing we both are Vortex Healing students. It also turns out we are in the same Zen lineage, with the same root teacher two generations back. And now we are at Amritapuri.
PURIFICATION IN AMMA’S PRESENCE
I still notice how being physically in the presence of Amma – especially during meditation, bahjans, etc. – tends to bring up things in me. I often feel quite sick physically. I assume it’s an intensified purification process, so I take it as a blessing. It tends to dissipate relatively quickly after, often within minutes.
ARATI
After Amma’s satsang, I was finishing up kombucha in the Western Café, and a Swedish woman stopped me and asked if I was P. (Which I am.) Another Swede had added me to a WhatsApp group for Swedish people at the ashram a few days earlier, and she recognized me from my photo.
She said I have to do Arati before leaving, and that I should sign up right now. I took it as Amma’s word, and went and signed up. (Even if my personality feels nervous about it and says I am somehow not worthy…! I think that’s common.)
ANNOYANCES
My personality gets annoyed now and then here as in life in general.
This morning, I was going to have my fourth “nebulizer” (medicated water vapor) treatment at the hospital. The prescription says “four treatments over two days”. I started in the evening two days ago, so the fourth and final treatment would be this morning. That’s four treatments within 48 hours, exactly as prescribed. They chose to interpret it as two calendar days, so they didn’t allow me to do the fourth and final treatment. My personality felt they chose to interpret it in the most narrow and non-sensical way. It seems much more reasonable and logical to see it as four treatments over 48 hours.
I also notice my personality getting annoyed by people looking and scrolling on their phone during meditation with Amma or her satsangs. Or talking or eating cake during the same. Or people pushing ahead of me in a queue (happens almost daily). Or people talking very loudly. Or village neighbors blasting out music of the sound of the TVs.
All of that is my personality. It’s my personality’s preferences and reactivity based on those preferences. It comes from beliefs. It’s a way to try to find safety and keep this human self safe. It’s a way to react to fear. It’s a contraction. It’s identification with the viewpoint of a story. It’s identification with an identity. It all comes from culture and internalized stories from my culture. (Very obviously looking at the examples above.) In Amma’s language, it’s all pride.
It’s all ways I create stress for myself. I am fighting reality. I create my own discomfort by holding onto those stories.
How would it be to see all of these people as Amma? As Amma testing me? As Amma living her life as these people, with their own obscurations just as I have mine?
How would it be to notice Amma as this in me – this reactivity, this contraction – and inviting it all to wake up to its nature?
That’s some of what I am exploring here, and being here creates a good container for it.
MONDAY FEBRUARY 2
A DREAM
Someone is held back from recklessly going into a struggle.
I am not sure if it’s me or someone else, and the struggle is just a general sense of struggle, something slightly risky. Being held back is a blessing, although it’s not what he wants.
Yesterday, I felt a little better and wanted to participate more fully in the program at the ashram. The dream may tell me to hold back a bit. (I am already working a lot on myself, by myself.)
If this dream is about participating more fully in activities here, it shows me that I see engaging in these as a struggle. How would it be to find more ease with it?
Other recent dreams have told me I have time, no need to rush.
MANTRA
I sat on the beach this morning with the mantra I received from Amma on Tuesday.
I used it in every cell in the body. I visualized it in each cell, and being the mantra in each cell.
I also used it with the intention of supporting the energy production in each cell.
With the intention of healing the damage from the virus. (The Epstein-Barr virus in my body for decades, fueling the CFS.)
And I tried the same by putting it in contractions (pride, knots, wounds) in my heart.
It was very powerful. (When I do it, the light/consciousness aspect of my being / world comes to the foreground.)
I met with the Swedish group of here for lunch. Nice people and nice connections.
After, I went to the beach, found SS and EO, and had a good conversation.
Still some coming up (anything in me not aligned with love, clarity etc.) during meditation and satsang with Amma, but less strong today.
I joined for the bhajans, and had cake and a long conversation with EO after. She is leaving tomorrow and I’ll miss her. It rained most of the evening, which is welcome. It also makes it less dusty.
TUESDAY FEBRUARY 3
Nice lunch with several Vortex Healers (SS, U, ) as a farewell lunch for EO. I happened to come across her as she was about to leave and said a second good bye.
I felt OK this morning, although had a lot of coughing and bad voice. I felt worse as the day progressed, so went to the doctor (a swami doctor) in the afternoon, and they took another blood test. Seems what I have are post-infection symptoms that will get better over time. He prescribed a few things.
One of my life koans is serving life. When this human self is struggling, taking care of him is a priority. But maybe I can do more here too.
WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 4
DREAM
I have two deadlines for waking up at the ashram. For each one, I will get squashed by something falling on me if I don’t get up in time. It feels real. Then I realize it won’t happen. Unconditional love holds me.
A part of me expects punishment if I don’t fully participate in the program here. At the same time, it’s been very difficult because of my health. I had hoped to get up early to join with the puja and/or meditation in the morning, but felt too sick and fatigued. This dream shows that a part of me expects punishment, likely because of domination culture and domination-culture versions of Christianity.
In reality, the divine holds it all in unconditional love. And it would still be good if I could join more of the program, and sometimes make an extra effort and see how it goes. When I have, it has sometimes been OK and I sometimes have to leave because I feel too sick. Either one is OK.
There is a nice, dynamic, and always-changing balance between (a) the unconditional love already here and freely given, and (b) effort within reason (exploring and pushing the envelope a bit) and direction.
LIVER TOXICITY – ONE POSSIBLE EXPLANATION
One or two days ago, I asked Ric, the main Vortex Healing teacher, about what’s happening in my system – both in terms of reactivity to healing and awakening movements, and the ongoing illness I have had here since I came. He responded with “liver toxicity”.
As far as I understand, he means that my liver is unable to effectively process (digest, clear) toxins, which means there is a build-up of toxins in my liver and body in general. This also means that when my body is releasing toxins due to healing/awakening movements, these may flood my system instead of being cleared out by the liver.
If so, that explain why my system often has a strong reaction to healing and awakening movements. It becomes flooded with toxins, which shows up as feeling unwell, nausea, headaches, fatigue, strong brain fog, dizziness, and so on. It’s often strong, and I can end up in bed for days and sometimes weeks and months.
I suspect this is partly, or largely, because of the Epstein-Barr virus that was in my body for 35 years. It may have done quite a bit of damage to different organs and systems. In addition to reducing my liver’s ability to function, it may also have contributed extra toxins to my system.
I have worked to support my liver for a few days. I have used a few different Vortex Healing tools:
Aliveness for all the cells in my body. Aliveness for my liver. (Also spleen, since that may be involved in the brain fog). Toxicity Clearing transmission for my system as a whole and the liver. Replace (replaced vital web) for my liver and spleen. Bringing up constitutional energies for my liver and spleen. Energizing my liver and spleen.
Also, catch-ups and integration.
A Vortex Healer (L) took my liver through the organ protocol a little over a year ago (?), but it still needs more help. Maybe a lot.
ANNOYANCES II – LIFE SHOWING ME WHAT’S LEFT / MY PRIDE / STUCK PLACES
It is amazing how life tends to put me in exactly the situations that rubs up against my stuck places, the places in me where there is something defended, reactivity, wounds, unloved fear, unquestioned painful beliefs, and so on.
It showed up on the two long flights coming here. For about 10 hours, I sat beside first one, and then another, who were extremely and constantly restless and would bump into me every few seconds. It was impossible to sleep.
Here, during meditation, satsang, bhajans, and in the darshan line, it’s similar. Today, I sat next to someone constantly picking on his fingers, cracking his joints, etc. This drives something in me crazy. Other times, I have sat next to someone eating a cake. People scrolling on their phones (one time during meditation and satsang, I was surrounded on four sides by people doing this). People next to me texting for the whole duration of the event. Someone next to me talking extremely loudly and intensely for hours (darshan line, bhajans). Someone next to me eating chips from a very noisy bag for a very long time (darshan line.) Someone next to me watching loud videos on their phones for hours (darshan line).
In general, wherever I am, there is a lot of noise. Neighbors playing loud music. People slamming doors every 30 minutes the whole night. (Where I stayed in Oslo in November and December.) Construction work and jackhammers. It’s been constant for years.
It shows me what’s left. It shows me where life rubs up against stuck places in me. It shows me where there is still pride, in Amma’s words.
I am thanking these parts of me for protecting me, and for their love for me.
I notice what these parts of me are – scared parts of me trying to protect me and care for me. In the process, they create a lot of distress, contractions, and misery. And they don’t help me at all. Nothing gets better from how they react. Nothing is resolved. It only creates tension and distress.
I practice seeing these people and situations as Amma. Amma testing me. Showing me what’s left. Inviting me to find another way. Inviting me as a whole, and these parts of me, to be more aligned with love, clarity, and reality.
They are Amma – the divine, the divine feminine / mother – taking these forms, as these people and situations. As these people who have their own struggle. They own tension. Their own confusion. Their own struggles, which sometimes comes out in these ways.
How would it be to find love and compassion for these people? To recognize that they are struggling too, which is why they often behave as they do.
How is it to pray for the well-being of this person or these people? How is it to genuinely pray for awakening, healing, and all the best for them? For me, this shifts how I relate to them. Annoyance is replaced with well-wishing, or – at the very least – mixed in with it! Even that is progress.
How is it to find it in myself? To notice my own agitation. My own restlessness. My own tension. To use them as a mirror? As a gift?
How is it to connect with these contractions in me, visualize Amma in and as these contractions, and invite them to wake up to their nature? How is it to do mantras in these contractions, and invite them to notice their nature?
OTHERS AS A MIRROR
On that topic, something else happened during meditation today. I sat diagonally behind a woman who could have played the main role in a Kieslowski movie from the early ’90s. Exactly my type from my late teens/early twenties. It was nice to notice parts of my personality feeling attracted, and also recognize this woman in me. What I see in her is also in me. I have worked on that quite a bit over the years, so it’s easy to notice now. The slight attraction becomes a reminder of what’s already here.
As my nature (headless), she happens within and as what I am.
At a human level, she mirrors what’s in this human self. She mirrors qualities and characteristics already here, some I can explore and get to know more, and maybe even live from and as more.
SKIN-BAGS
For whatever reason, here, I am also acutely aware of how we humans are skin-bags of bone, liquids, and flesh, and the minor decorative differences in the shape and skin is what makes my personality like the look of someone or not. I think Amma mentioned something about it some weeks ago, and it went to the foreground of my noticing.
THURSDAY FEBRUARY 5
A DREAM
I remember just one image from a longer dream. Someone had bought our family home (my birth home), and I was visiting – maybe to pick up some things? The new owner, a woman, had made it into a cozy and beautiful home and she had taken care of my things for me. (She reminded me of a woman I got to know outside of Oxford before Christmas.)
MAKING OUR EXCUSES SMALL
Someone said something about Amma in a satsang: Amma doesn’t make us feel small, she makes our excuses small.
COUGHING & MEDICINES
I don’t feel good, and my coughing is much worse. It’s difficult for me to attend events here since my coughing often goes out of control. I saw the swami-doctor this afternoon and he gave me a new pill to take.
MARCH-APRIL
Seems my plans for March-April are coming into focus, partly through an accidental (?) comment over breakfast yesterday. More about that later.
WIRED FROM EVEN SMALL AMOUNTS OF CAFFEINE
I keep noticing something I have noticed for a long time. If I have any amount of caffeine – even if “just” in cocoa – my system gets wired, and I feel more sensitive in an uncomfortable sense and more easily annoyed. Of course, it’s showing me what’s already here, so it’s not necessarily a problem. And most days, I don’t have any caffeine.
READING VS PHONE
I am doing more nebulizer sessions at the hospital. (3 minute walk from where I am staying, and one minute from the Western Café and the big hall.) I notice a big difference between reading – especially literature from the ashram – and looking at my phone, even if I am contacting friends or even looking up ashram information. One makes it a meditative and deeply rewarding experience. The other sets my mind more on edge. It’s instructive.
THANK YOU
Since I am still feeling sick, I explore thanking Amma / the divine / life for this illness and this discomfort.
It’s a part of being alive. It’s part of this amazing and beautiful and sometimes terrible life. (As it seems to us.)
It shows me what’s left. It shows me where I am still stuck.
It is part of a kind of purification process, especially if I intentionally and consciously join with it.
It’s part of an awakening and healing process. Life brings up what’s left in us so we can see it. This is an invitation to shift how we relate to it and the triggers, to find a more kind way to relate to both, to recognize both as happening within and as our nature, and so on.
This is how I can find a genuine thank you. And I also acknowledge the parts of me that really don’t like it and wish it was different. They are here too, and they are here to protect me. They love me, even if that love is sometimes confused and takes a form that creates distress. (They are not even what creates distress, it’s joining with them – identifying with their viewpoint and holding it as real and true – that creates distress.)
SUBTLE, GROSS, SOMETHING ELSE?
I was reminded of some folks a long time ago in an integral web forum. I remember they seemed fascinated by subtle energies and subtle layers of existence. I also notice that what I more fundamentally am is none of that. Whether subtle or gross, it’s all content of experience. It all comes and goes. It all happens within and as what I more fundamentally am.
That makes me appreciate the headless experiments even more, or just the reminder of headlessness. I love the Headless Way and how it helps me bring my nature more into the foreground of noticing.
AC
I am wondering if the a/c contributes to the airway infection I have had since I came here. I use the air-conditioning mostly to reduce humidity, although also to lower the temperature a bit. Right now, it’s on 27 degrees Celsius. Maybe I should turn it off for a couple of days to see if it helps.
FRIDAY FEBRUARY 6
STRESS DREAMS
I woke up with some stress dreams about London and the money I will spend by renting a flat for a couple of months. The rent is more than fair and quite inexpensive for London, so in that sense, it’s not bad. Also, I will be renting from fellow Vortex Healing practitioners and Amma devotees. But it is a large chunk of the small amount I get on disability. I will need to dip into savings. (I already did quite a bit last year to pay for storage containers etc.) In the dream, my experience there was also a bit grey and dreary. That’s the stress dreams, so it may not reflect how it actually will be. I still think/feel it’s worth it. I can sense being there in March and April.
BEACH & MEDITATION
I sat in the beach for a while this morning, first in conversation with SS and then meditation. I also read a bit in a Vedanta / Amma book. It’s a little confusing since Buddhism and Vedanta operate with slightly different categorizations, and the Buddhist ones are more familiar to me (and for that reason, make more sense).
There was a collective wedding celebration lunch today, delicious and served on banana leaves.
Then returned to the beach for more meditation, until meditation with Amma in the big hall.
Just like yesterday, my body decided to go into a coughing fit (uncontrollable) after meditation so I had to leave. At least, I got to join the meditation!
SOUNDS / ANNOYANCES III
I discovered a large speaker (Donald Duck style) in a palm tree just outside of my room. They have been blasting out something since 5am and are still going in the late afternoon. It’s what I have been hearing off and on since I came. Some days, they start at 5am and go most or the whole day. I am pretty sure this is from the village, and there are several speakers in the village around the ashram.
Sometimes, the cacophony is enriched by loud TVs with heavy bass, construction work, and so on. The audio samples are pretty typical. The recordings are from my room, and it’s often so loud I can’t talk on the phone or with neighbors.
This is typical for how my life has been the last several years. It seems the world is becoming increasingly noisy. Also, and more importantly, it seems life want’s me to find more peace with noise, and resolve my relationship with it.
Synchronicity: As I wrote this, the music I listened said: I am the creator of this reality. From Vermona F Transistor by Stereolab.
EO sent this to me:
Question: I would like to meditate sitting on the seashore. Is it all right to do this?
Amma: Certainly. That place is holy. You should sit there having prayed to the goddess of the ocean. After some time, you will not hear the roaring sound of the waves. You will only hear a slight OM sound. If you fix your mind on that, you will not feel like getting up. Very loud sounds and silence are equal. In both places, the mind will naturally become concentrated. Omkara (OM) can be heard on the seashore.
This is my prayer, to hear all sounds as the divine. To notice the silence in all sounds. To hear all sounds as the voice of Amma. To notice any reactivity of this personality as the divine too, as Amma, temporarily and locally taking that form.
If there are sounds this personality finds annoying:
(a) To hear it as the voice of Amma, the voice of the divine. To notice this awake spaces takes that form here and now.
(b) To thank the reactive parts of me. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me. Notice that this awake space forms itself into these too.
(c) To take kind action. Move. Put in earplugs. Stay for a while, knowing it’s not forever. Or whatever makes sense.
(d) Anything else. Tonglen with myself and the person/people making the sound. Ho’oponopono. Pray for the well-being of them and me. Identify and inquire into the stressful thoughts behind my reactivity. (The Work of Byron Katie.) Explore how it all appears in the sense fields. (Kiloby Inquiries.)
Some painful stories to look at: They should be more considerate. They are inconsiderate. They are disturbing my peace. It’s my peace. I am considerate (so they should be considerate too). They should be like me.
INQUIRY EXPLORATIONS
I am looking for situations to do noise-related inquiry on.
When I go through them in my mind, I see that “they are inconsiderate” is not necessarily true. Often, they may not know the impact of the sounds on me and possibly others. (The ones slamming doors throughout the night, likely because they are looking in on their new baby.) Their intention may be good. (The speakers here.) Just seeing that helps. They are not doing it to be evil or to disturb me. And if they did, that just shows they are damaged and hurt. (And if I hurt, it’s because I am hurting myself.)
The high-schoolers in Norway driving around blasting out music from their busses in the spring. Even they are not doing it to be evil. I assume they are doing it because they are enjoying it.
That said, that’s a good one for inquiry.
Situation: In the house in Ski, unable to sleep because of loud music from busses with high-schoolers driving around. (These buses often have powerful and expensive sound systems, aimed at blasting out music from the bus.)
Statement: They should be like me. (As considerate as me.)
- Is it true? Yes, it feels true.
- Can you know for certain it’s true? No, I cannot know that for certain.
- What happens, how do you react, when you have that thought? (In that situation.)
- I get annoyed. Distressed. Frustrated. Agitated.
- I feel like a victim. I feel powerless. Hopeless.
- I feel it will always be like this. It will never change.
- I see images of them, and me as a victim.
- I think they should be considerate. They should be as considerate as me.
- I see images of me being considerate. Walking and doing things quietly. Listening to music at low volume or with headphones.
- My shoulders tense. My breathing is tense and shallow.
- I experience a lot of discomfort. I am creating a lot of distress and discomfort for myself. I am creating a nightmare for myself. My world becomes a nightmare, and I am trapped in it.
- How would you be without that thought? (In the same situation.)
- More relaxed. More like a cat. Moving to another room, if that helps. Using earplugs. Doing what’s kind. Pragmatic. Knowing it won’t last. Getting up and doing something, and rest/sleep later.
- Turnarounds
- TA1: They shouldn’t be like me.
- Because they are not me. They are not me, so they should not be like me. (A synchronicity: As I wrote “Because they are not me” the song I am listening to said “It’s because I am you, it’s because you are me”…! – from If you remember I forgot how to dream by Stereolab.)
- TA2: I should be like them.
- I should find in myself what I see in them. The inconsiderate. Loud. Rambunctious. It’s already here, so it’s good to notice. Also, it would be freeing to access and live from it more often.
- TA3: I should be like me.
- I am the one who should be considerate. My advice is for myself, not them. They have their own advice for themselves.
- TA1: They shouldn’t be like me.
HEALING FROM/AS EMPTINESS
The way healings happen keeps shifting a bit. Now, Amma and Merlin merge, while the healing – as before – happens from emptiness. I find myself as emptiness taking the form of everything, with the flavors of Amma and Merlin. And whatever intention is here. I spent some minutes with the intention of complete healing of this physical body, and healing of any damage from the virus. Then, a few minutes to clear up any disorganization from the initial phase of the healing.
When I say “I find myself as”, it’s not really accurate. The emptiness that forms itself into all finds itself as that, and it happens to happen here and now. Any “I” or “me” happens within and as that.
We’ll see how my system responds to this. Sometimes, the reaction is quite strong. Maybe because it involves detoxing and my liver is unable to clear everything. (Because it’s damaged from 35 years of the EB virus in my system.) I am asking Amma to help my body digest these healing (and awakening) movements better.
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 7
WAKE UP
I woke up at 4am, felt better and not sleepy, so went to the 4:50am puja.
ENERGY HEALING
This morning, I did Energetic Intervention (Vortex Healing) first for CNS, spleen, liver, kidneys, and the digestive system. Then, for any damage from the virus (EB/CFS).
When I did catch-ups, I noticed that catching up my emotional body created a lot of movement and took a long time. It seemed very much needed. I am not sure if this was from the Energetic Intervention (likely) or something else (also possible).
ENERGY HEALING II
I continued to optimize different parts of my system at the beach, and noticed that my nadis (energy channels) seemed gummed up. It took a long time for them to shift and lighten, and there is still more to do. I am surprised they seemed so clogged up. The other energy channels seemed OK.
LUNCH ETC.
Had nice lunch on the beach with SS and U. Turns out U and I both know Joe from Barichara, and she and her husband were scheduled to go there a couple of years ago.
My coughing still makes it difficult to attend the meditation. I again got a couching fit towards the end.
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 7
AMMA DOCUMENTARY
I saw a reference to Darshan: The Embrace on Amma’s website. It’s a documentary from 2005. I started watching it, and it’s also a time capsule and shows what has stayed the same and what has changed since then.
DREAMS
I have had a lot of dreams lately, although don’t always remember them after waking up. I think several of them have to do with selling the old house and moving into a new nice one.
For a year or more (?) after the initial Amma experience (November 2023), I didn’t experience or remember any dreams. Now, they are definitely back.
ENERGY HEALING
I did some Vortex Healing – using MI, my main tool – last night to repair the damage from the virus. Seems it brought up some sadness and me this morning, combined with hopelessness. That’s OK. It worked mostly in my frontal lobes.
I have also used Energetic Intervention (also from VH) with the same intention. It seems to work in the same area.
I wonder if Ric’s suggestion to channel Aliveness into all cells helps my body to process the movements better. That, and/or asking Amma for help with the same. Maybe both.
BEACH MEDITATION
I talked with SS on the beach this morning, and then did meditation there.
Notice & allow.
I explored notice and allow. Notice what’s here – this whole field of experience – is already noticed. It’s noticed before there is any intentional noticing, or reflective or self-reflective noticing. All that comes after. It’s another layer that happens some time after.
Notice that what’s here – this field of experience – is already allowed. It’s allowed before any intentional allowing. It’s fully allowed, without any resistance. It’s automatically allowed, by this awake space. Any intentional allowing happens after and is partial at best.
Sense fields.
I explored any sense of a center, observer, I, or me. Mostly, it’s in the head area and it’s not terribly strong. Notice the sensations. Notice them as sensations. Notice the mental images of this area of the body, and any sense of center, observer, I, or me. Notice them as images. Notice it as content of experience. Notice it as what I am fundamentally not. Notice it as happening within and as this awake space. Notice it as one of the many forms this awake space takes.
Notice any identification with it – taking myself as it – as also happening within this awake space. That too is content of experience. That too comes and goes. That too is not what I fundamentally am.
DARSHAN
I received darshan in the evening, and was able to sit in the front until it ended. The people next to me were regularly replaced, but I somehow able to sit from beginning to end. It’s the “invisibility cloak” that we sometimes receive here, it seems.
In Matruvani, I read about people asking inner Amma for outer Amma to acknowledge them. I decided to give it a gentle try. At first, Amma did not glance or look at me at all, even if I sat close. I then asked for a quick glance. And she gave me several quick glances within a few minutes.
Also, I got to see the theater of mind sitting there – noticing old conditioning, the amount of glue (identification) that still seems to be there, and also shifting out of it, and asking to shift out of it all.
It seems to be viscerally more felt and clear that identification = suffering, and is not needed. It doesn’t contribute anything useful (apart from Lila), and only creates discomfort and suffering.
Ready to sleep around midnight, although I had a talk with RW from Oregon before actually going to sleep. Turns out she had thought of going to London/UK this year, so maybe she can come and visit in London. Nothing is decided yet.
MONDAY FEBRUARY 9
WAKING UP
I woke up by someone tapping my shoulder twice, and saw an image of Amma doing it. It was 4:44am and just in time for puja or Archana. I went to bed late last night, due to the late darshan, still feel sick, and also don’t want to overdo it after darshan, so slept a little longer. I am still wondering what that was about. Maybe it would have been better to join one of them, and to have gone against my habitual patterns – which are somewhat rooted in fear. (For good reason, since overdoing it has led to crashes in the past, although fear – or being caught up in fear – is not necessary.) Since I am starting to feel better, I’ll aim at getting up early tomorrow, and use this as an extra motivation.
I seemed to have a lot of active dreams involving many people and several places. Don’t remember details.
BEACH & CONVERSATIONS
Had breakfast on the beach with SS. Then paid my room for the rest of my time here, had a juice at the juice stall, talked with some Danish people, and had a conversation with AM from Vortex Healing. Lunch with the Swedish group. All very nice connections.
PRAYING FOR THEM AND ME
In my late teens and early twenties, I was in the habit of praying for those around me, especially public places. I also used it to shift my orientation if I noticed I got annoyed/stressed by someone.
I want to bring that back. It is an excellent way to deal with annoyance, and that does tend to come up here now and then. (In my case, when people talk during meditation/satsang/darshan, watch videos with the sound up, and so on.)
I usually pray in my native language (Norwegian), and it’s a repeated prayer along the lines of: Kjære Gud, la alt gå bra med dem på alle mulige måter. Dear God, let everything go well with them in all ways.
This helps my orientation to sincere well-wishing for them. I wish for healing, awakening, and everything going well with them in all ways. I am also reminded of them as the divine, as the play of the divine, and the divine on a path to recognize its nature through and as them.
REFINDING
In general, my path the last several years has been to refind some of the clarity that was here in the years following the initial oneness shift. Of course, it’s different too – maybe more differentiated and grounded – because of my experiences and the shifts between then and now.
LIGHT VS WHAT’S NOT ALIGNED WITH REALITY
Since my late teens, it’s been easy for me to invite in the divine/light – through prayer, visualizing the divine in the six directions and the heart (Christ meditation), the Jesus/Heart prayer, visualizing the divine in all the cells of the body, and so on. It feels natural and familiar.
This usually is followed by an eruption of things in my system not aligned with this light, love, and consciousness. Anything formed from confusion tends to come up and flood my system, which can be very challenging.
After a while, I learned to be cautious. During the dark night and the health challenges, I likely got more cautious than I would like to continue with.
For dinner, I went to the Indian café south of the South Gate for masala dosa. Had dinner with DN, a fellow Vortex Student, and her friend from Germany.
TUESDAY FEBRUARY 10
Woke up feeling foggy and groggy. It helped to sit on the beach and do VH catch-ups and integration. It especially helped to join with (inner) Amma and the divine and intend clarity and organization for my system.
After breakfast, I did a healing session for H. on the beach. It started as VH healing and then shifted to Amma.
Had lunch on the beach with a fellow Norwegian here, LD. Turns out we have several things in common and it was a good conversation and connection. She has a draw to visit Colombia.
I felt good enough to stay between lunch and the meditation with Amma. I sat on the East side of the hall and read and meditated a bit. Sat up front with Amma during the meditation. Although Amma / the divine is everywhere and everything, there is definitely a difference to sit physically close.
I prayed for / intended for a deep, stable, clear, and visceral awakening, recognizing all content of experience as content of experience and not what I fundamentally am. (And whatever else comes with it.) I asked Amma for sharing in her vision, her love, her visceral feeling of all as the divine.
Something has shifted for me. For the first several weeks here, I would feel physically sick when in close proximity with Amma, likely because of things coming up and out of my system. For the last 2-3 weeks or so, it’s been OK. Today, there was just a sense of clarity.
As I returned to my room before dinner, the speaker in the tree outside my room wasstill blasting out chants and music at very loud volumes. They started at before 5am and are still going. It’s very loud even with windows and doors closed.
During bhajans, I noticed activity in my crown chakra. I remember that area was very active during the initial oneness shift in my teens. I think there has been activity there other times too, maybe before the no-self shift in my thirties, but my memory is not so solid there.
I felt better and had more energy today. It’s amazing how easy it is to do things when there is energy, and how impossible it seems when there is not. (When I say “feel better”, it means I feel better from the airway infection I have had since December. The CFS is still here.)
WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 11
SOUNDS / ANNOYANCES IV
Morning
As usual, it seems, the village speaker outside my room goes off at 5am.The other day, my downstairs neighbor (very nice family from Colombia), mentioned the intolerable noise from the speaker, fantasies about destroying the speaker, and that it’s likely illegal.
The audio clip is from 5am this morning. Even with doors and windows closed, and with earplugs, it’s loud. Also, to my personality, this voice felt especially challenging!
It was more stressful than usual. My system seemed extra sensitive from things coming up in my system from healings I did for myself yesterday. Also, I suspect a part of me takes what my neighbor said as validation for my own stressful stories about it! My mind took it as confirmation it’s terrible, so it’s taking the opportunity to torture itself.
My mind tortures itself, not the sounds. And the annoyance and frustration is really anger. That anger comes from unmet and unloved fear. And that fear – taking the form of anger, annoyance, and frustration – comes from my childhood. There is also hopelessness mixed in.
Childhood source
My mother would nag my father close to non-stop from when I was growing up, and until the end of her life when she was unable to speak. She would tell him what he had done wrong, what he needed to do, what he must do immediately, and so on. It didn’t matter if we were eating food (may be why I have digestive troubles?), or he was reading the newspaper or a book, or watching TV, or something else. There was just about no break. From age 9 to 19, I lived in the basement room which was directly below the living room, so I heard it constantly there too.
It (what my mind did with it) created a huge amount of stress in me – distress, fear, frustration, anger, hopelessness, and so on. It felt unbearable.
It likely also became a kind of symbol for all the other dysfunctions in my family. It signified all the rest.
Later morning
My system felt extra sensitive and on edge most of the morning, including when I sat on the beach for sunrise, catch-ups, and Chi Gong, and through the shared meditation at 8am.
I had breakfast on the beach. (Through dedication and cunning, a crow ambushed me from behind and stole half of a hash brown from my tin, I thought it deserved it). And then sat in the hall for a while with a cup of hot chocolate.
I joined with Amma and went into this agitated and fearful part of me from childhood, the part that felt it was unbearable to listen to my mother nagging my father. I asked Amma to help resolve, heal, and clear this in me.
I also asked her for guidance, and saw a string of versions of me at different ages distressed by the sound of my mother’s voice, and how she treated my father. This was followed by an image of a string of Ammas each hugging one of these versions of me, helping them relax, feel loved and supported, and safe. Allowing them the safety to heal.
A voice came: I understand it was terrible for you, especially since it went on for so many years. The good news is that it’s gone. The situation is not here anymore. You can relax and heal. You can find another way to be.
This feels like a new phase in this healing. I feel ready to go to the core of it, and happy to not have it with me anymore, and Amma is here (inner Amma) to support and guide that process, and maybe speed it up.
Later, I got some pants from Amma’s gift shop, had a Sharjah milkshake, and a conversation with SS about this. Turns out he has a similar background.
HEALING
When I join with Amma and the divine, there is a noticing of how we are the same, and an image of an overlay of each of us. In the healing yesterday, for H, there was an overlay of Amma, the divine, her, and my body. It was all in the same space, I experienced her symptoms in my own body, and with the intention for healing for H.
It’s similar when I do healing for myself. I notice Amma and this system as one, coming out of the same void, have an intention, and notice the changes.
THE MULTI-FUNCTIONAL KALI TEMPLE
The Kali Temple is filled with offices, shops, rooms for students and devotees, and so on. When I first came here, it was slightly surprising. Now, it seems natural. And it’s no coincidence that the temple has so many functions and uses. It’s all part of life. When our nature finds itself, we recognize that it’s all expressions of the divine. It’s all the divine exploring itself in all different ways.
LAST ON THE LIST
The ashram has a list of all visitors that we need to sign in the mornings. It’s a requirement from the police, apparently. I am the last person on the last page of the last of the seven clipboards.
Of course, the mind wonders if it means something! Maybe something about finding ease and peace with wherever life puts me? It really doesn’t matter since we are all expressions of the divine anyway.
Also, it’s a reflection of my life in some ways. I started out my adult life with great promise and all the opportunities in the world. Then got off track due to going against my own inner guidance on a major life decision. And then got much more sick (CFS) and into a dark night of the soul where it seemed “everything” was repeatedly falling apart, and everything seemed to be going backwards.
It definitely feels like being last on the list, and it’s OK somehow.
THE ROLE OF PURIFICATION
What’s the role of purification? And what is it?
As far as I understand, it refers to burning / wearing out old patterns from culture, wounds, trauma responses, and so on. One side of it is healing of these wounds and hangups. Another side is how we relate to it – learning to recognize it as objects in experience we don’t need to identify with, get caught up in, or act and live from.
It doesn’t seem needed for our nature to recognize itself. It seems that can happen independent of the content of experience. The Headless experiments and the Big Mind process shows that, as does the oneness shift that happened here when this human self was sixteen and full of angst and tension.
It’s also not fully needed for embodiment, for living from our nature recognizing itself. We can learn to relate to our hangups better, and not fuel or get caught up in them as often.
That said, purification is also vital.
The less “load” we have of these wounds and hangups, the easier it is for our nature to recognize itself and keep recognizing itself through changing states and situations. The easier is also is to life from and as our nature recognizing itself.
So it’s not strictly needed for awakening or embodiment, which is a blessing. And it definitely support both and is a vital part of the awakening and embodiment process.
That’s just how I see it these days, from own experience. I am sure others will see it differently, and I will too with more experience.
ARATI ORIENTATION
I attended the Arati orientation in the late afternoon, in the Kali temple.
A brief summary: It’s a puja to the guru, and the guru within, and a very important puja. Guru is the one dispelling darkness, whether it’s the guru in the world or inside. In most places, only swamis can perform Arati, but here – with Amma – anyone can do it, although only once a lifetime since there are so many who wish to do it. Women dress like Devi, and men like Kerala men.
Arati is also a commitment to embody the qualities of the divine mother. It’s easiest to pick one aspect, focus on that, and the others will come. Some qualities of motherhood are: compassion, nurturing, tolerance, forgiveness, humility, acceptance, patience, joy, kindness, perseverance, understanding, present, available, courage, boundaries, and fierce and protective love.
I added the last two for myself. Someone brought up anger as a quality of the mother, which the orientator didn’t quite agree with. I understand both. For me, it’s the quality of fierce and protective love, which necessary in some situations. It’s not something we need to focus on in daily life since it’s required only occasionally.
I chose kindness. Wise kindness. Kindness used with some discernment and intelligence. Especially, kindness towards my own experience and my own scared parts and wounds. When that is lived, it translates to kindness in the world.
THURSDAY FEBRUARY 12
DREAMS OF MOVING
I dreamt I had moved – a man was supportive and helping, and I had a partner I don’t know in waking life. She had organized a celebration in the evening for the new house and for me.
I have dreamt of moving several mornings lately. It seems to be an ongoing theme. It reflects my outer life, and likely also my inner life. I am moving internally to a new place. Maybe something simpler, more ordinary and quiet – that’s how it feels.
BREAKFAST & LUNCH
I had breakfast and lunch with SS. He commented that we seem to have breakfast and lunch at the same time, even if it’s at different times each day. Somehow, on most days, we seem intuitively synchronized.
This may also happen because we have a similar trauma-background so it’s helpful to share experiences.
ARATI CLOTHING
After breakfast, I went to the Amma boutique in the Kali temple for Arati clothing. I bought a long green kurta shirt and a nice brighter green silk scarf. In the building immediately East of the big hall, I found a nice slightly golden-colored dhoti with gold lines.
I had the choice between a fuchsia or earthy green kurta. The fuchsia is a nice color for me and a nice contrast. A woman in the store said the green was best for me, and I was most drawn to it too. I got a scarf with a stronger green to create a bit of contrast. Also, it seems to fit with my nature projects.
After some afternoon ambivalence, I decided the green kurta is likely best, also because it’s one I’ll happily use later in daily life, after it’s shortened a bit.
I’ll need some help with the dhoti, or mundu in Kerala. It also seems almost impossibly long! I tried it and it wraps around four or five times and gets very layered and thick. I guess that’s how they are supposed to be. When I tried it on my own, the inflexible fabric and the many layers means there is no give, so I end up walking with very short steps. It takes a bit to get used to.
Update on the dhoti / mundu: It’s apparently double-length since the fabric is more see-through. I just fold it back to normal length, and wrap is a regular mundu. I tried it, and it works well. Sometimes, the solutions are simple – and in hindsight – obvious. I received guidance from someone on the information WhatsApp group for Amma devotees at the ashram.
SENSATIONS & IMAGES
Before and during the meditation with Amma, I took some time to explore sensations and mental images again.
I notice sensations and mental images of my foot, and there is not so much identification there. I notice sensations and mental images of my head and neck, and somehow there is slightly more identification there – or at least that tendency.
It doesn’t really make sense. They are both sensations and images, so why take them as different? It’s a little comical to notice, and it helps to notice too.
It’s all content of experience. It’s not what I (fundamentally) am.
STEPHAN BODIAN
I had my first personal session with Stephan Bodian in the evening.
For a while, I considered doing the Non-Dual Meditation Teacher training program (Jonathan Gustin), and although I love the teachers and the program looks very good, it didn’t work out for me. I also realized that what I really feel I need is guidance tailored specifically to where I am at – to where this process is right now.
I loved the session with Stephan Bodian. As with his books, I loved the simplicity and clarity of it.
He encouraged me to trust my realization. To own it. To let it be my guide. To keep returning to it.
We talked about how spiritual traditions, like Zen, can be misleading. They present a picture of a long process with steps and so on. And they are as much or more about the tradition, and continuing the tradition, than awakening itself.
He mentioned that it’s natural to shift between finding ourselves as awakeness (Big Mind) and a more narrow identification (this human self). That’s a relief.
My experience is of shifting between finding myself as those two. It’s been a flow between the two. And for whatever reason, this mind has thought it was wrong. It was not “it” somehow.
So it’s a huge relief when people I look to for guidance affirm that it’s natural. That flow is natural. It’s beautiful.
It’s part of the divine wanting to experience itself in as much richness as possible. It’s part of the play of the divine.
Richard Lang (Headless Way) talked about the same.
It’s something I really want to take to heart and learn to trust. It’s natural. It’s not at all wrong. It’s beautiful.
AMMA – HEART, INSIGHT, LIFE
Stephan did mention that Amma may be more about devotion / the heart than insight.
That was my impression too before coming here.
And I realize Amma and her ashram is as much about insight as heart and devotion. There is a strong Vedanta Advaita current here. And it’s equally much about living it.
Heart, insight, and life is combined in a very beautiful way in Amma, at the ashram, and with many or most of her devotees.
FRIDAY FEBRUARY 13
UNDER SIEGE
This morning, I went back to childhood and teens and the stress of hearing my mother nagging my father. At the time, it was almost unbearable for me. I asked Amma to be with me and wake up these parts of me, hug me at the different ages, comfort these parts of me, show these parts of me another way.
I then followed the timeline from incarnation (actually before, when I was shown this life) and through childhood and teens, focusing on especially difficult experiences and periods. Amma was with me helping me at these times feel loved, safe, and the knots to unravel.
There was a beautiful sense of being a team through this, ease, and all held in motherly love.
I see that a theme is feeling under siege. Under siege from my mother’s voice and the dynamics between my parents. I could really escape since I was a kid, my room was in the basement under the living room so I heard everything, and so on.
This has been a theme since too. I often feel under siege from noise from the rest of the world and our noisy modern world. (These days, I wake up at 5am to extremely loud chants from the village speaker outside my room. Not even earplugs and noise cancelling headphones can block it very successfully.)
Being in groups also sometimes makes me feel under siege – from noise, people talking loudly, moving, and so on. There is a sensitivity in me to this, which I am pretty sure comes from childhood and teens and the situations described above.
That’s why it makes sense to find healing for me at those different ages – through my timeline – and especially related to my mother, her voice, and so on.
CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS
My mind created its own wounds, traumas, hangups, identifications, and so on – all in attempt to protect this human self, to fit in, and so on. So when I invite in healing for it and for how I relate to it, I am cleaning up my own mess.
(Of course, it all comes from somewhere else – intergenerational and collective trauma and so on. That’s true too. The “cleaning up my own mess” orientation helps me take responsibility. The “it comes from somewhere else” orientation helps me see that this is not just about me, it’s collective and shared.)
When Amma helps me untie knots, that’s too cleaning up your own mess. All this is created by the divine – by life, existence – as a way for it to explore itself. So the awakening, healing, and maturing process is the divine cleaning up its own mess.
FRIDAY FEBRUARY 13
After breakfast, I did qigong on the beach, caught up with messages, and did some meditation. It struck me how amazing it is to be in a place that fully supports awakening, healing, and embodiment.
It got hot, I ran out of water, and needed to walk (the short distance) from the beach to the ashram twice. I started feeling the heat, with headache, nausea, and dizziness, and everything in me said I needed to rest. I went against it since a friend (AM) had a birthday celebration lunch. Felt a little better, and enjoyed the social aspect a lot. Then, sat in the darshan line, but had to wait until tomorrow.
All of this together – the heat, a brief moment of dehydration, and doing more than I felt I should – led to a CFS/ME crash. I felt pretty awful in the evening during the night. It seems that these kinds of physical crashes also come with a corresponding emotional crash, where I feel vulnerable, hopeless, off balance, and so on.
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 14
I didn’t sleep much or very well, and the speaker outside my room started at 5am as usual and was on the whole morning. It’s extra challenging when I feel like this. Still feel the crash, and what it does to my mind. Feel shaky, vulnerable, anxiety about the future, and so on. I canceled a nature-centered workshop I had signed up for, on Sunday, which I had looked forward to. It seems far too much.
I am also concerned about the travel from here, where to stay in Norway, and the following weeks with workshops in England and Spain. When I feel like this, it seems too much, so I mostly set it aside unless there is something practical I need to do.
I read something from Amma this morning. She said that if devotees get caught up in the joys of life and forget the divine, life/the divine tend to give them challenges so they can turn to the divine again.
I checked the decibels for the speaker. It’s in the 90s at my door. This is in the range of power tools, blenders, and lawn movers. (The audio recordings are also from my door.)
When all of this comes at the same time, I tend to just want to switch off everything and rest. In this case, that is not easy.
I am asking Amma / the divine for help and support.
I am also remembering what Stephan Bodian and I talked about, to choose awakening and not unawakening, especially in these kinds of challenging situations.
Update: I did gradually recover through the day. Went to bed early and was able to get better sleep.
Why did I have the crash? I am pretty sure it was because of the combination of things described above – brief dehydration, staying too long in the heat on the beach (in the shade, but still hot), having to walk much further than planned (because I kept forgetting things), doing the birthday celebration even if my guidance told me to go back to my room to rest (not wanting to disappoint my friend and some FOMO), and staying longer because of being in the darshan line. Stress from the speakers likely didn’t help.
I did ask about the speakers, and it’s likely because of a religious celebration culminating tomorrow. It may mean it quiets down from Monday of, we’ll see.
I do act like a wounded animal when this happens. I retreat, rest, and that’s about it. When it’s acute, I don’t even do much VH for myself, or asking the divine for help. That tends to come as I recover a bit.
How would it be to ask the divine for help right away? How would it be to go there immediately?
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 15
DREAM
Some dream images were with me as I woke up. I visit a couple, and am closer with the woman. At some point, I join them for a medical appointment for my friend, and I happen to talk about something related to Vortex Healing as the doctor comes into the room. The man is unhappy that I talked about woo-woo things when the doctor entered, but also express that he wants the two of us to be closer. They have a sweet black dog that I am taking for walks and we have a good connection too.
My impression is that she is an old friend, and he is a newer acquaintance through her, and that we all three are into Vortex Healing etc. They are in their late 30s or early 40s, and he has Asian (Japanese, Korean?) background. This is another dream with a physical moving/traveling theme, and supportive and nourishing relationships. There is also some slight tension between the world of awakening/energy healing etc. and the mainstream world.
REST / RECOVERY
I stayed in bed for more than twelve hours, and slept for a good amount of that time. It felt very good and needed. Still not completely recovered from the mini-ME/CFS crash, but getting there. I did quite a bit of VH energizing for myself last night and when I briefly woke up during the night.
PRAYER – MAY THIS BENEFIT ALL BEINGS
In my late teens and twenties, after the initial oneness shift, I had a constant prayer:
La dette bli til gavn for alle vesner / Let this benefit all beings.
I had that as a prayer whatever I did.
I want to bring that back and see how it is. I am mostly taking care of myself and my health these days (apart from the regeneration/food forest project in the Andes), so how would it be to do this with that larger intention?
PRAYER – MAY THIS BENEFIT ALL BEINGS II
I explored the prayer this morning, and notice a few things.
It’s very familiar. It feels like coming home. It’s a coming home to my initial explorations of all of this, after the initial oneness shift. And it’s a coming home to what I am and Spirit as all.
It’s a relief to see that even if I mostly take care of my own health, I can still do it with that prayer and within that larger picture.
The prayer is a question. How does this – including taking care of my own health – benefit all beings? How can I use it so it benefits all beings? What happens when I have that intention? What shifts?
SATYAM SANATANAM
I bought a book called Satyam Sanatanam: Answers on Santana Dharma by Amma.
I am not very familiar with Indian philosophy, and have forgotten most of what I used to know.
As far as I understand…
Satyam Sanatanam means eternal truth. AKA perennial philosophy, the essence of what you find among mystics from most or all religions and spiritual traditions.
Sanatana Dharma is what the British called Hinduism. It’s the original and native name.
And…
Adveita Vedanta is a school within Sanatana Dharma. It’s the essence of the non-dual aspect of Sanatana Dharma.
THE BODY & MIND COMPONENTS OF ME/CFS CRASHES
It seems the ME/CFS crash that started Friday happened for mostly physical reasons – dehydration, heat, sun, not resting even if it was clear my body needed it, and so on.
These crashes are mind-body crashes, and have mind-body causes and effects.
One mind component to this crash is that I went against a clear inner guidance to rest. I also chose to stay in the heat even if I could feel it was hard on my body, and I chose to wait with getting more water.
The effects also have a mind component. After the crash, I have felt hopeless, fear about the future, feeling unsupported, and so on. I feel hopeless since there isn’t much I can do about it other than rest. I project my current state and situation into the future, and it looks scary. I feel unsupported, partly because I am not asking for help.
ASKING FOR HELP
I did ask SS if he could channel for me. I know from experience that in these crashes, my system is disorganized. Doing catch-ups, integration, and energization with Vortex Healing helps my system get back on track. In my situation and state, channeling for myself only brings me further into the crash. So I asked if he could do some of that for me tonight. He said yes, and I suspect he did it around 10pm since I started feeling better at that time. (He is a new Vortex Healing friend who is here at the same time as me.)
MONDAY FEBRUARY 16
CFS/ME CRASH CONTINUED
It was quiet this morning, but I am not feeling very well. The CFS/ME crash is still here, likely because I did too much yesterday instead of full rest. (Breakfast, lunch, conversations, meditation with Amma, Darshan line, etc.) My system feels disorganized and on the edge of getting much worse, unless I take it easy. Decided to skip breakfast and rest instead.
I notice the tendency to retreat in every sense of the word, including retreating from (a) choosing awakening and (b) asking the divine for help.
I want to learn to better differentiate (a) physical and mental rest, and (b) choosing truth (the reality of my nature) and asking the divine for help / giving it all over to the divine.
It’s not that I am choosing unawakening necessarily, it’s more that I abandon it all for rest. It’s understandable, and it also makes sense to see how it is to actively notice my nature within the crash and ask the divine for support.
I am again noticing that these kinds of crashes tend to bring up hopelessness, fear about the future, feeling unsupported, and so on. It’s a projection of what’s here now into all of the future, which – understandably – tends to bring that up. I intentionally don’t think about the future when in a crash, apart from in a very practical sense if I need to do something.
CFS CRASH & ASKING FOR HELP
I felt slightly better in the afternoon, and am more able to ask the divine / Amma for help.
Why is that so difficult for me when the crash is more fresh and stronger?
Maybe because I didn’t always feel so supported as a kid. I expected rejection, based on experience.
I was able to ask for Vortex Healing help, so that’s something, although it took a couple of days for me to get to even that point.
I guess noticing all this is more important than Arati right now, since this is what’s happening and I needed to postpone the Arati.
RECOVERING FROM CFS CRASHES
As I am recovering from CFS crashes, I am – as I mentioned earlier – much more able to ask the divine for help, and do other things to explore my experience, relate to it more consciously, and so on.
In the acute and strong phase, all of that is difficult. All I can do is usually to rest and set everything else aside. I guess that’s exactly what’s needed.
At the same time, I am curious about what else I can do. The brain fog is strong, there isn’t much energy, and my whole system is shutting down, so there aren’t too many resources available.
Hopelessness tends to come up, so I am wondering if that’s partly why I don’t engage in more active explorations.
How would it be to do just a small shift in that situation? To notice it’s all held by the divine / Amma? To give it all over to the divine / Amma? To notice it’s already given over to the divine / Amma since it already is that and nothing else? To ask life / the divine / Amma for help?
How is it to notice that this – the crash and everything – is all life / the divine forming itself into these experiences, and having these experiences?
How is it to make very small shifts in this direction, in the middle of the acute phase of the crash? When it is the most difficult?
AFTERNOON
Many tears this afternoon from not being able to participate as my personality would like, and gratitude for being here and this journey.
PERSPECTIVE
In the fall and early winter, what did I feel I most needed for this winter? Rest and/or being in a spiritual community. I went back and forth between vacation (Morocco, Tallinn) and a Zen center (The Netherlands, Spain) – one seemed like too much rest, the other too much structure and program. Without intending it, I ended up in a place that gave me both rest and a spiritual community – and a deepening in my relationship with the Divine Mother.
What’s most important for me here? My relationship with the divine / the divine Mother / inner Amma. It seems I have been placed in a perfect (?) situation so that can deepen and transform, and transform me. It doesn’t look the way my personality had thought, but it may be even better in terms of what matters the most.
CFS CRASHES ARE NOT (USUALLY) FROM EMOTIONS
Over the last two-three days, I have met friends here at the ashram, they ask how I am doing, and I have mentioned the CFS crash. A couple of times, they respond as if it was triggered by emotions. (“That’s understandable since your mother died last fall” etc.)
I suspect I understand why. If may be how it is for them. If they have had some kind of (non-CFS) crash, and it has been triggered by something emotional.
For me, it’s different. In most cases, the CFS crashes come from the same kind of situation. I go against my clear guidance of needing to rest, overdo it physically, and that leads to a crash. Often, this has happened more than once over a few hours or sometimes days. And it typically happens for social reasons. I don’t want to disappoint someone so I go against my guidance to rest, and it leads to a crash.
That’s what happened on Friday. I stayed on the beach for a while and got too hot (in the shade). I ran out of water and waited with getting more (because it involved a walk). After leaving the beach, I realized I forgot something there so walked back. I also needed to walk to my room in the sun to get something, which added several minutes of walking in the sun and heat.
Most importantly, there was a birthday celebration at lunch where I had committed to bringing something to share (chai). My guidance told me clearly I needed to go back to my room and rest, and my heat-and-dehydration related symptoms did too (headache, nausea, dizziness). Since I had committed to bringing something, and I didn’t want to disappoint my friend, I went anyway. Then, I sat in the darshan line for quite a while. All together, this led to a crash later that day, and I am still in / recovering from it.
It is true that something psychological led to it. I didn’t want to disappoint. I put someone else before my own needs. (Although she very likely would have wanted me to take care of myself.) Combined with the CFS, that overdoing and over-riding of my own better knowing leads to CFS-crashes.
Also, it’s true that these crashes often come with emotions surfacing. Usually, frustration, hopelessness, sadness, grief, fear (attached to the future), and so on. These come because of the crash, and from my (unexamined and painful) thoughts about living with CFS.
The lesson: (a) Follow my own inner guidance to rest, especially when I already notice symptoms of having done too much. (b) Others WANT me to take care of myself. They don’t want me to crash, especially not for their sake.
TUESDAY FEBRUARY 17
SLEEP
I rested and slept well, so feel I am recovering from the mini-crash that has lasted a few days now. Will take it easy today.
MEDITATION AND CHANNELING
I had a conversation with SS about channeling Vortex Healing and meditation.
There are, at least, two basic forms of meditation, and it seems that both can be combined with channeling.
When I channel, there is a focus on the channeling and sensing. That trains a more stable attention.
Also, I can bring in basic meditation – notice and allow, and notice it’s all already noticed and allowed. This is always here, and it can be more intentionally brought into the foreground of attention.
The first comes naturally with channeling, although it’s good to keep it as a gentle intention too. The second is more “extra” although can be helpful as a context for the channeling.
NOTICE AND ALLOW
I find it fascinating to notice how what’s here – this field of content of experience – is already noticed and allowed.
It’s already noticed. It’s noticed before there is an intentional or reflective noticing. That one comes after. It’s noticed by this awake field that is my whole world and what I am, and which forms itself into all content of experience.
It’s already allowed. It’s allowed before there is any intentional allowing. It’s allowed in a completely and inherently unhindered way. Any intention to allow comes after, and is less perfect since it’s colored by the preferences of this personality, and any habitual pushing and pulling from the psyche.
It helps to notice this. Nothing needs to be fabricated. It’s just about noticing what’s already here, and aligning a little more consciously with what’s here.
This also helps me notice the difference between what’s built into what’s here and what comes after. What’s built into what’s here is pure noticing and allowing. As Douglas Harding says, I am built open for the world. What comes after is any intention to notice and allow, which is mixed in with respectively distractions (attention gets absorbed into stories with a charge) and pushing and pulling (wanting to hold onto some content of experience and get rid of something else).
It’s a way to notice the difference between what I am and who I am. This awake space and this human self and his psyche.
Here, I like to do this on the beach, or sitting in the big hall when there is no event, and sometimes other times.
WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 18
A few fragments from today:
I skipped breakfast, had lunch with SS as usual (unplanned), meditation with Amma, and sat on the beach at sunset.
I keep coming back to praying for the well-being and awakening of everyone – everyone here, all living beings. It shifts something in me. It reminds me of who and what they are. (Who = confused human beings/innocent beings, what = the divine.)
During the initial oneness shift, a lot around awakening came “for free” – including this prayer for the well-being of all beings. It was with me and alive through the day and night. These days, I need to work on it a little more.
From survival to service? The last 15-20 years have been a “dark night” with serious illness, near deaths, many losses (health, marriage, house, money, belongings, opportunities), and so on. I have gone into a kind of survival mode. This is a big shift from the service mode that was strong in me in my late teens and twenties. Maybe now, it’s time to shift back into the service mode. This includes taking care of myself (and my health) as a service to life and the larger whole, although it doesn’t stop there.
I also come back to perceiving and feeling this physical body as the divine / Divine Mother / Amma. I invite the divine / Amma as this body to awaken to itself and realign within that noticing. Align with truth, reality, and health at all levels. It feels powerful.
I keep asking the divine / Divine Mother / Amma to allow me to share in her perception, love, and visceral sense of all as the divine. To deepen in and as that. To live from and as that.
During meditation, I was again drawn to….
(a)Sense field explorations. Notice how any sense of observer, doer, and any sense of identification appear in the sense fields. What are the physical sensation components? What are the mental image components? Is that really who I am, the observer? The doer? When I look, then clearly not. It’s a peek behind the curtain.
(b) Notice and allow. Notice and allow, and notice it’s all already noticed and allowed. Anything in the sense fields – sounds, sensations, taste, mental images, mental sounds – are inherently noticed as it appears. Anything within the content of experience is inherently allowed. Any intentional noticing or allowing comes after, as an additional – and imperfect – movement. And that movement is also inherently and already noticed and allowed.
I notice a humbling happening for many reasons, and have intentionally embraced it. It’s an alignment with reality. The humbling comes from my health challenges, being unable to participate as much as I would like, that the oneness shift happened decades ago, and I am still exploring much of the same as back then, and that it feels like the whole process is going “backwards” due to the dark night. Also, the humbling comes from being here with Amma and her many devotees, and seeing my many shortcomings at a human level. It’s a good humbling.
I had both chai and hot chocolate today, so I am a little buzzy, a little more than ideal, which is OK.
THURSDAY FEBRUARY 19
DREAMS
I had a couple of unsettled/unsettling dreams this morning.
The bed is about to fold along the midline and trap me inside it. I wake up, get out of bed, and the dream feels real until I realize it was a dream.
I am with AL, and we had two beloved animal friends who recently died at different times. One was a cat (my cat from Wisconsin) and the other a rabbit. She wanted to make meals out of their meat. It didn’t feel right to me, but I went along with it since I thought it was the custom. I tell EO about it and ask: Is it terrible? She says yes. I agree and decide not to do it.
Why these semi-nightmares? I had some chocolate last night, maybe that’s part of the answer! Also, I am about to leave here in a few days, and that feels slightly unsettling. I would like to stay longer.
Why trapped by the bed? What came to me first, as I woke from the dream, is that I am – in a way – trapped by the bed. Because of the CFS, and because of being sick here for about two months (airway infection), I am and have been trapped in the bed.
Why the animal friend dream? Maybe because AL has wanted me to do many things that didn’t feel right at all, and I went along with it – for a while. EO may represent a healthier version of the feminine, encouraging me to do what feels right for me.
HEALING MOVEMENTS
I did some healing for myself on the beach this morning, and I notice my system feels overloaded/ destabilized/ disorganized late afternoon and evening. I did an hour or so of Vortex Healing catch-ups and integration, and also asking/staying with Amma for integration.
TIME
It’s only a few days until I leave. Time here has gone fast, although – as someone (DN) said – each day is also a universe.
I experience time in several ways at the same time, and the different aspects of it are in the foreground at different times.
(a) It’s all happening within this timeless space. Any ideas of time and change happen within and as that.
(b) Time goes fast. The last 8-9 weeks have gone very fast, like a breeze.
(c) Being here every day is a universe. Rich and full.
WHAT SEARCHES IS WHAT IS SEARCHED FOR
The one who searches is the very thing one is searching for. – Ramana Maharshi
I saw this quote on social media this morning.
As usual with these kinds of pointers, they are obvious (inescapable) when noticed, and baffling if not.
What’s searching is within content of experience, it’s the sense of a doer/searcher with identification attached to it. What I am, this awake space, forms itself into the whole field of content, including that. So what searches already is what it’s searching for. It already is this awake space.
Of course, it usually imagines it’s searching for something else – money, romantic love, safety, approval, and so on. Or maybe some big experience. Or God as “other”. That’s one reason it may not recognize it.
It’s fascinated by its own imagination of what it’s searching for. It misleads itself with those imaginations.
That’s why simple pointers are so valuable – for instance, from the Big Mind process or the Headless Way.
FRIDAY FEBRUARY 20
Amma has been away for a couple of days, so the ashram is more quiet. I am leaving in a few days, so it gives me time to pack, clean, plan for the coming weeks, catch up with friends, and do a few other things.
BEACH
In the morning, I sat on the beach to meditate and invite in healing for myself.
I found myself drawn to sense field explorations.
Sense field explorations
What seems the most as an observer, doer, a me or I?
Notice the physical sensations. Rest in and as that noticing. Notice the sensations as sensations. Notice they are no different from other physical sensations.
Notice the mental images that go with it. Notice them as images.
Notice it all as content of experience, like any other content of experience.
Notice it’s all made up of everything else – awake space. They are all happening within and as consciousness, the consciousness I am.
Notice that what I am is the awake space forming itself into all of this, including any sense of observer, doer, and any identification or lack of identification. All that are objects within the field of experience, come and go and are not what I more fundamentally am.
Notice all as Amma
I visualize Amma – as consciousness – within every cell of the body, and taking the form of every cell of the body. Amma, the divine, takes the form of this body and this field of experience.
I rest in noticing this body – this awakeness taking the form of this body – as an expression of Amma. I invite in healing for body and mind. Amma reorganizes itself in the direction of a healthy body and mind.
I stay with this for a while.
TAKING MY TROUBLES TO AMMA
Amma encourages us to take our troubles to the divine / Amma.
That means taking my troubles to Inner Amma, the divine, this awake space.
Taking my troubles to the awake space here.
Seeing it in that context. Allowing this human self to reorganize within that context.
Asking life/the divine/Amma for help and guidance. Asking life and the divine here for guidance.
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 21
SLEEP, GOODBYES, ETC.
I went to bed early, fell asleep quickly, woke up around 10-11pm, and fell asleep again some time after midnight. That seems to be a pattern these days.
Last night, my system felt cooked and disorganized, but it’s better this morning. Still, good to not overdo it today.
Talked with H. She is going to a panchakarma treatment in a few days, and then Japan. We’ll stay in touch about each other’s adventures.
SS suggested having a goodbye lunch. Seems we’ll have it Tuesday for SS, H, and me, since we are all leaving about the same time.
NOTICE IT AS SPACE
In the morning, I sat on the beach and meditated. I explored noticing all as space.
My world – the world as it appears to me, this field of experience – is awake space. It’s awakeness and it’s space.
This is the ordinary awakeness and space I assume all beings are to themselves, and the world is to each of us. To each of us, the world happens within and as the awake space we are. This is universal. It may not be consciously noticed in all cases. And it can be consciously noticed with some guidance and pointers.
In my case, it has been noticed during and since the initial oneness shift in my teens.
At the same time, it has not sunk in at a human level, for this bodymind. This bodymind still partially operates on old programming and assumptions of separation.
Why? It’s partly because I haven’t actively invited my human self to reorganize and realign with oneness.
So that’s what I am exploring now. How is it to intentionally notice all content of experience as space? How is it to invite this human self – this bodymind, this psyche – to reorganize within that noticing?
How is it to specifically notice any reactivity and contractions as space? Any sense of observer or doer? Any trigger for reactivity? All of that happens within and as content of experience. The awake space I am takes all of those forms too.
CHURNING THE OCEAN OF MILK
One of the central stories in Sanatana Dharma (Hinduism) is the churning of the ocean of milk to gain the nectar of immortality. In the process, poison comes to the surface and threatens to kill the whole world. Shiva holds the poison in his throat and protects the world.
Synchronicity: As I wrote the sentence above about the poison, the lyrics of the song I listened to said the poison they want you to drink (!). – The Noise of Carpet, Stereolab.
I am sure there are many ways to understand this story, and many understand it with far more clarity and sophistication than me.
Still, to me, this seems to reflect the poison that tends to come to the surface during any awakening, healing, and embodiment process. This “poison” is made up of suppressed emotions, unexamined painful stories, wounds, traumas, hangups, and so on. Anything that’s not love and clarity comes to the surface to be seen, felt, loved, and recognized as the divine, too.
Shiva – the awakeness / awareness we are – holds this. If it were acted on, it could metaphorically kill the whole world. Instead, it’s held. It’s noticed and allowed.
The nectar of immortality is our nature, this awake space we already are, and the world – as it appears to us – already happens within and as. It’s this awakeness noticing itself as all there is.
DISAPPOINTMENT
As I was having milk shake (Sharjah) at the juice stand today, a boy was crying because he couldn’t have what he wanted. That’s all of us, of course. As adults, we still get disappointed… we only express it differently.
Friday last week, I was in the darshan line for most of the afternoon, and was told I had to wait until the following day. (It had been six days since my last one, and the darshan coordinator wanted me to wait another day.) For the next several days, I was in the darshan line for 2-4 hours, only to be told it was only for people who had just arrived or were leaving the next day. I probably spent 15+ hours in the darhsan line without any success. Then, Amma was away for a couple of days, and today it’s the same.
A part of me feels needy and disappointed, and this situation shows me that. Fortunately, it’s not very strong. I realize that there are many people here, many who need it more than me, and I already had several hugs. Also, inner Amma is here, so I don’t need external Amma hugs. And receiving hugs not what this is really about. It’s far more important to notice my nature (my nature noticing itself), invite my human self to reorganize within that, and bring it into daily life.
Of course, a combination is nice – meditation and inquiry, heart-centered practices, service, understanding, and hugs from Amma.
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 22
RESTING & PACKING
I am in resting and packing mode now, since I am traveling in a couple of days.
WHAT HAPPENS AFTER WE DIE?
In the Vortex Healing world, some folks are interested in what happens after we die. There is a new thread on this topic in a social media group for Vortex Healing students. The main teacher says that because of the changes to our system due to VH classes, we won’t incarnate anymore.
A few things come up for me around this:
First, I doubt it. In my case, there is so much more work to do in terms of healing, maturing, clarifying the awakening, living from oneness, and so on. It feels like I am just scratching the surface so far and it would be a shame if there are no more incarnated lifetimes to continue to explore and deepen into it.
It’s an interesting question for science. I am all for a scientific exploration of that topic, even if it is also
At a personal level, I don’t know for certain. I can’t know. And more importantly, I don’t need to know.
Any ideas about what happens will, by necessity, be speculation.
Also, if I felt a compulsion to know, that would point to something here and now. Why do I have that need? How is it to meet that part of me with kindness? Do I have stressful stories driving that compulsion? How is it to identify and inquire into those stressful stories?
And if I felt a compulsion to not incarnate again, it would be the same. What in me drives that compulsion or desire? What do I find when I meet it with kindness? When I explore it?
I like the Zen take on this: A student asked a Zen master what happens after we die. The master said: I don’t know. The student replied: Aren’t you a Zen master? The Master: Yes, but not a dead one.
CONFUSION
There is a current and unfolding situation I don’t have the answers for or clarity about. (Actually, more than one.)
I notice that if I fuel a need to know, it gives rise to confusion.
And if I just stay with the situation as it is, then there is a gentle curiosity there.
I don’t need to know right now.
CLEARING OUT
When I first came here, I would feel physically sick when I was close to Amma – during meditation, satsang, bhajans, etc. That lasted a few weeks. I assume this was a clearing-out process in my system, and an aligning with the divine mother’s / Amma’s field.
That passed. Now, my system is fine with being in her physical proximity. I usually sit in the first or second row during the afternoon program in the big hall. (She is on the floor with us, and we sit in semi-circles around her.)
NOTICING SPACE
During meditation on the beach this morning, and the program with Amma in the big hall in the afternoon, I intentionally brought attention to the space aspect of the whole field of experience.
Everything in this field of experience – sounds, sensations, contractions, reactivity, a sense of observer or doer – is space. It’s made up of space.
When attention goes there, it’s easy for me to notice. It was revealed clearly during and after the initial oneness shift. It never really went away. And I have continued to explore and clarify it through inquiry, maybe especially sense field inquiries. (Kiloby inquiries, a modern version of traditional Buddhist sense field inquiry.)
Still, my human self – this bodymind, this psyche – still operates partially from separation consciousness. Habits were formed then, and some of them are still here.
So it really helps to intentionally notice it all as space, especially when contractions and reactivity come up. It helps to notice the contractions and reactivity as space, and also the triggers.
This invites a new habit of intentionally noticing all as space. It also helps my human self and these patterns to reorganize and realign within it all as space and oneness.
ALL AS SPACE
In exploring all as space in daily life and activity, I see that it can lead to one-sidedness and being blasé about worldly life. It can, if it’s not mature, the human psyche gets hold of it, and it’s made into an idea.
It needs to be balanced with healing and maturing at a human level, heart-centered practices, service, ethical guidelines, and so on. It needs to be balanced with being an ordinary decent human being.
That’s another reason why I love the Headless Way. Both tend to be effortlessly included.
OTHERS
My relationship with others is obviously very multifaceted.
Here are some noticings and explorations I find helpful, especially for countering some of the training from our Western culture.
I find that if I pray for the well being of others – of all humans and all beings, it helps with my social anxiety and any sense of being inherently different. (Less than, lacking, better than, etc.)
To myself, I am a whole world and the center and most important thing in my world. That’s the same for all other beings, I imagine. Even for an ant. It helps to remember that.
To themselves, others are fundamentally consciousness, just like me. To them, their world happens within and as the consciousness they are, just like here.
They mirror me. Whatever stories I have about them, I can turn it to be about me and find specific and genuine examples of how it’s true. I imagine it’s the same for them. I am a mirror for them. The world is mirror for them.
MONDAY FEBRUARY 23
Arati practice at 11:30am, then lunch and packing and getting to leave tomorrow.
The Arati itself is difficult to put into words. It felt like a deep blessing, lots of light and silence in my system.
Through the day, I kept exploring how everything in the field of experience is space, including any contractions, sense of observer or doer, and so on. Also, all as the dvine keeps coming ot the foreground, including how Amma and her devoetees are all playing different and temporary roles within the divine.
TUESDAY FEBRUARY 24 – LAST DAY
My last day here. I woke up with the light and silence from Arati still in my system.
A friend (EO) sent me a video of the little Zoo monkey rejected by his mom, who is now being more included by the others. I have lately been drawn to videos of beings who are rescued and recover and are included and loved. I think it must reflect a process I am in with Amma / inner Amma. These parts of me are being rescued, included, and loved. Or, at least, that’s the orientation and invitation.
I see that David Chadwick died. I love his books about the early days of Zen in California.
We had a nice farewell lunch with AM, SS, D (another VH student from UK), and H and K from the US.
After meditation, I received my final darshan for this time – with a blessing for an Amma doll and I asked for help with my health. Another farwell with SS, H, and K.
A nice masala dosa for the evening, before finishing packing and cleaning the room. Some more goodbyes.
WEDNESDAY FEBRUARY 25 – TRAVEL DAY
TRAVELING FROM AMRITAPURI TO OSLO
Travel day. I took a comfortable taxi to the Trivandrum airport, again received a nice smile from the immigration/emigration woman when she asked if I was an Amma devotee and I said yes.
After arriving in Abu Dhabi, I almost immediately ran into D. from the ashram! It was a nice surprise. We had a long talk and breakfast together. Another Amma lila. We were both confused and baffled by trying to order breakfast!
The journey took 28 hours from door to door! mainly because I had a long layover in Abu Dhabi and needed three flights. I spent a nice hour in the “sensory room” at the airport. Recommended.
On the flight from Abu Dhabi to London, I saw three movies I have wanted to see: Good Will Hunting, One Battle After Another, and Outside In 2. I enjoyed all, although had maybe expected a little more from the two first ones considering what people say about them. I love that Pixar has brought parts work into animated form and to the public!
I kept coming back to noticing all as space, and especially any reactivity in me. There is still some reactivity – fear – from people talking loudly or for a long time, people rustling with newspapers, and so on. It then feels good to notice all as space, and especially contractions in me. It’s a kind of dissolvent.
My flight from London to Oslo was delayed, which gave me a couple of extra hours to rest at Heathrow. I had a nice lentil curry, followed by a nice hot chocolate.
It did bring my back to Oslo very late. After midnight. The last train from the airport was 00:50, and I caught it with literally two seconds to spare! It felt like another of Amma’s lilas.
Everything is lila. Everything is life/ existence/ the divine expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways. And there are also little lilas like that.
There is snow in Oslo now, so it looks beautiful.
THURSDAY FEBRUARY 26 – RETURN
FIRST DAY BACK IN OSLO
I had a very nice sleep at my friend’s (HRH) apartment north in Oslo, by the forest and a river. It feels cozy here, and although I miss Amma, the ashram, and the people, it’s also good to be here. It’s quiet, easy to wash clothes, and so on. I watched some of the livestream from the ashram.
My hope is to be back at the ashram soon. Maybe by the end of this year. We’ll see.
Amma is alive. The ashram is there. I am still around. So it feels important. I can do it now, so why not do it? The opportunity won’t be here foreever.
It did feel like a profound blessing to be with Amma at the ashram, with the others there. Transformative.
I feel very different. We’ll see how that unfolds over the next days and weeks 🙂
FRIDAY FEBRARY 27
SLEEP AND AMMA’S PRESENCE
I sleep very well and deeply again. As I wake up, I notice that Amma’s presence is not as strongly in the foreground as it was at the ashram. It takes a little more looking, which is OK.
A GUIDE – IS AMMA HAPPY?
Amma’s face as a guide came to me this morning. Smiling when I follow my nature, love, and oneness, and slightly less smiling when I don’t.
This is a good guideline: Amma, I want to make you happy, because it means I am on the right track – of healing, awakening, mautring, living it – and anything else is painful.
Amma here is inner Amma, the divine mother, my nature, the divine feminine side of my nature – this awake space, consciousness.
I really enjoy being back in Oslo. Went to my friend MJ in Nydalen to pick up luggage I stored in his basement storage before leaving for India.
SATURDAY FEBRUARY 28
INNER AMMA
I woke up looking for inner Amma, and notice some disorientation. She is not here as she has been the last couple of years, and also not as she was at the ashram. At the same time, she is clearly here.
Between the Amma experience in 2023 and going to the ashram in December, Inner Amma was very strong. She was everywhere. Everyone and everyting had an Amma flavor. The divine appears as everthing, and with Amma flavor.
At the ashram, Amma’s presene was very strong. It held my full experience and all parts of me, and supported any healing, meditation, and inquiry I engaged in.
Now, it’s different although I am not sure how it’s different. I may need time to find her and how she is appearing to me – and in my world – now.
MY DAY
Otherwise, organizing and packing for London. Also catching up with some friends. I had a long and good video call with AH after a few months where she needed time for her own process.
I have a lot of things here! Almost all good/useful/high quality, so I need to store most of it with family while I am going to London. Also trying to figure out what to bring to London! With all the traveling I have done, you’d think the selection process woudl be easier, but it still brings up some stress in me. I thank those parts of me – the parts that wants to do the packing well – for protecting me.
SUNDAY MARCH 1
SENSING ADJUSTMENTS
My sensing of Amma, and also when I channel Vortex Healing, still needs to adjust. This often happens after VH classes, and apparently also after spending time with Amma!
THE DAY
When in Norway, I often have a quinoa salad for breakfast and/or lunch: Quiona, spinach, tomatoes, olives, seed mix, feta cheese, olive oil, and chili flakes. It’s wonderful for my body and mind.
I went to visit my father, drop off things I don’t need for London, and pick up a couple of things for London. In the evening, a nice conversation with JH.
EXPLORATIONS
A few explorations from the last weeks:
Notice and allow, and notice it’s all already noticed and allowed.
Visualize golden light in each cell of the body. Vizualize the cells waking up. (From the afternoon meditations with Amma.)
Notice all as space, especially contractions and their triggers, and also any sense of observer, doer, I/me.
Mantra.
Giving all to the divine. Notice it’s all already given to the divine, it already all is the divine.
And energy healing, daily and often for quite a while.
ESSENCE
Practical Info for Amritapuri
Before arriving, contact the International Office to let them know you are arriving, and so they can send you any relevant into. Also check the official website, keeping in mind that not everything may be recently updated.
While at the ashram, go to the Information Office in the Kali Temple for most info. Also, talk with people. That’s how you’ll learn and discover new things.
That said, I thought I would add some practical info for Amritapuri from my own experience. Keep in mind that this may be out of date when you read this…!
BEFORE TRAVELING
Read the info at the official website, and contact the International Office with any inquiries.
Submit the form for international visitors before going. Make sure you read the ashram rules. They can arrange a taxi to pick you up at the airport and take you to the ashram.
Make sure you have a visa for India. You can apply online, and you may get a response within a few days, although do it well in advance of traveling. Make sure you read and follow the conditions of your specific visa. Depending on which country your passport is from, you can stay in India different number of days at a time. (In my case, from Norway, the max limit is 90 days at a time, twice a year. As far as I understand, this means I can stay for 90 days, leave briefly, and return and stay another 90 days.)
Get your vaccines before traveling. Only yellow fever vaccine seems to be required, and only if you have been in certain countries within ten days before arriving in India.
I got an eSIM before traveling in case I needed it before getting an Indian SIM card. This turned out to be helpful.
SEASONS
The summer/monsoon season – mid-March through June – is hot and humid, so many prefer to visit at other times of the year. From August on, it’s more comfortable. December/January is the busiest time. Of course, there are people living here year-round, so it is possible to visit any time. They have air-conditioned rooms.
Always check Amma’s schedule to see if she will be at the ashram for when you plan to visit. She seems to often go on a Western tour in October-November. She may also go on Indian tours in January/February, and you can join if you are there at that time. When and if these tours happen will vary from year to year, and they may be announced on relatively short notice.
AIRPORTS
There are two international airports in the vicinity of the ashram – Kochi and Trivandrum.
Personally, I may choose Kochi in the future. This is mainly because Amma’s hospital (AIMS) is there and I may want to go there after arrival or before leaving. (For instance, for Hyperbaric Oxygen / HBOT treatment.)
BRING
Travel light. Bring essentials like phone, passport, money, medicines, toiletries, earplugs, traveling clothes, warm weather clothes, etc. Remember that what you wear at the ashram should be modest, which means no shorts for men, no short skirts or shorts for women, and no bare shoulders.
Bring a surge protector since the electricity can be unstable. Get an adapter for India, ideally before traveling – or at the airport.
Bring mosquito repellent, or get a non-toxic mosquito repellent from the ashram eco-store.
It’s a good idea to bring your own water bottle or bottles. You’ll need a lunch box, which they have at the ashram – at the Western café and the supermarket.
Bring comfortable sandals. (You can get flip-flops at the ashram.) Note that expensive sandals can get stolen if you leave them outside of the temple or other places.
Note: I was told to not bring many clothes. I wish I had brought a few more than I did, if I am honest. Perhaps since this is maximum high-season, there was limited clothing available for men in my size.
UPON ARRIVAL IN THE AIRPORT & AT THE ASHRAM
Get an Indian SIM card in the international terminal of the airport. Do it before leaving the terminal, as they won’t let you back in. You can also get a SIM card in the village by the ashram, across the bridge. You can buy data at the unmarked stall next to the International Office.
Take out or exchange into rupees at the airport for the journey to the ashram. You need cash in India and at the ashram. They have an ATM and bank at the ashram.
When you arrive at the ashram, check in at the International Office. They will help you with a room. Within a couple of days, take the tour of the ashram for new visitors. If you have questions, go to the Info Center at the second level of the Kali temple.
You have a choice of type of room, although which one you get will depend on what’s available. They have three categories of rooms: Simple, renovated, and renovated with A/C. (Roughly USD 6-22 a night.)
AMMA
As of winter 2025/2026, there is meditation with Amma in the afternoon, either at the beach or the big hall. If it’s on the beach, it’s good to be early to get a seat in the shade.
Then, there is some combination of darshan (hugs/blessings), satsang (a devotee tells their story, worth listening to), bhajans (devotional songs) and continued darshan (hugs/blessings) in the main hall, often late. There is a dinner break before evening bhajans.
Ask the Information Office about other opportunities – handing Amma prasad during darshans, Arati, and so on.
OTHER PRACTICES & ACTIVITIES
Always go to the Information Office for updated schedule.
As of now, there is Archana (reciting the thousand names of the Divine Mother) and homa at the Kalari early morning, followed by guided mediation between 8-9am (main hall for men, Kali temple for women).
In general, I like to sit in the Kalari and by the Kali statue in the Kali temple.
They have classes to learn the I AM meditation, and also a wide range of other classes.
WHAT THEY HAVE AT THE ASHRAM
They have just about everything you need for daily living at the ashram in a variety of shops.
There is an ATM / cash machine and a bank. I take out 10,000 or 20,000 rupees at a time. It seems I can do it twice in one session, and once more in a day. (Sometimes, it’s empty of money for one or two days.)
They have a free Indian meals at set times, and inexpensive meals at the Western café and canteen, and also the Indian café.
The Amrita Kripa Charitable Hospital is just outside of the Western café and is open for locals and ashram visitors.
They offer ayurvedic treatments at the ashram.
They have a coconut stall, a juice and fruit stall, and a small supermarket, all in the same area. There is also the eco-center and wellness center, both small shops worth visiting. In the Kali Temple is the Information center, the activity center, Amma’s gift shop, Ram’s bazaar (used clothes etc.), a library, and more.
VOLUNTEER / SEVA
The ashram is mostly run on a volunteer basis, so you are strongly encouraged to do seva (service) daily – unless you are unable for health or other reasons. There is a wide range of tasks available.
This is an excellent way to help the ashram function, to give back from all you are given here, to feel more included and involved, and it’s also a way to get to know others. It is also a good way to burn some karma and improve your health.
COST
Cost for room and board is very roughly 200-600 USD/month. If you volunteer/do seva for six hours a day, I am told room and board is free – but check.
Total low-end cost is ca. 200 USD/month. This can go up to 300-500 USD with Western food etc.
Western café is ca. $50/month or more if you go daily.
FOOD
There are several options for Indian food.
- They have free food for residents at the Indian canteen at set times of the day, and on the left (East) side of the big hall facing the stage.
- Outside the big hall, on the same side (East), there are two more options for Indian food.
- There is an Indian café/restaurant by Lakshmi the elephant which is open in the evenings.
- A little further south, on line with the stage of the hall, there is an Indian food stall where they serve masala dosas in the morning and smaller food items through the day.
- There is also a café/restaurant beyond the South Gate. Go past the hospital and continue straight to the end of the road, and it’s on the left side. It’s open in the evening and has masala dosas and some smaller food items.
On the West side of the big hall, there is the two Western food options.
- The Western café has porridge, omelettes, pasta, pizza and so on. They are open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and after bhajans in the evening.
- The Western canteen is just inside of the big hall, by the Western café. They are open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and have a set menu for each meal which is different each day. The food is good and reasonably varied.
For breakfast, I usually go to the Western café since the canteen is bread-heavy. For lunch, I often get the free/included food at the Indian canteen. For dinner, I go to the Western canteen or have a masala dosa from the Indian café south of the South Gate. That’s just the habit I have fallen into, and I am sure it would change over time.
At 6am and 3:30pm, there is free chai by the Indian food stall East of the big hall, at 6am and 3:30pm. It’s best to get in line a few minutes early. The longest line is for chai (it’s actually two lines, one for men and one for women), and I think there is a shorter one for hot milk.
Buy your own tiffin/lunchbox and cup. You can get them at the Western Café and canteen. If you prefer a larger metal cup, as I do, you can find those at the supermarket.
SEEING A DOCTOR
If you need to see a doctor at the hospital, you can go in the morning or afternoon. It’s free, although they appreciate donations. To see the Ayurvedic doctor, it’s good to arrive when or before the office opens. If it’s a repeat visit, always bring any notes they have given you earlier.
INDIAN SIM / WI-FI
It’s easiest to get an Indian SIM card at the international terminal at the airport, before exiting. You can also get it at (at least) two mobile shops close to the ashram. One is immediately across the bridge, and the other is City Mobiles about a 5-10 minute walk from the bridge (take a right after the bridge and follow the road).
When you sign up, they will ask for your address with four (?!) different municipality levels. These have to each be different, so if you are from a level-deficient location, just make up something. It worked for me.
My plan has 2GB data/day. If you need to use the internet for video calls and so on, it’s worth it buying extra data. The stall next to (immediately North of) the International Office can help with adding extra data. I got 50GB for 3-4 UDS. The mobile shops in the village can do the same, but it’s a longer walk.
The village café behind the International Office (West Gate) has wi-fi and is one option for downloading files without using data. I personally don’t find that necessary.
CLOTHING
Use comfortable and modest clothing. No shorts, short skirts, or bare shoulders.
Light summer pants and t-shirt is fine, or long skirts.
There are, at least, four places to buy clothes: Amma’s gift shop, Amma’s boutique (not sure about the name), and Ram’s Bazaar at the second level of the Kali Temple, and the Indian market in the building directly to the east of the big hall.
That said, it’s always good to bring your own warm/hot-weather modest clothing. I did find pants/trousers in my size (large, men), but less in terms of shirts. I am glad I brought a few t-shirts and a couple of other summer shirts.
It’s a good idea to bring comfortable sandals, although they sell flip-flops in the supermarket. It may be wise to not leave valuable/expensive sandals unattended since they are sometimes taken.
WHILE THERE
Make sure you always have enough water with you and in your room. They have taps with clean water at central locations in the ashram. I have one moderately-sized water bottle with me, and a large one for my room.
I always keep a water bottle with me with hydration salts. In addition, there is a fruit stall & juice bar with fresh fruit, juices, and milkshakes, and a coconut stall where you can get a coconut and drink the water and eat the flesh, which is helpful for electrolytes.
Use the Information Office whenever needed. They are very helpful in answering any questions you may have.
Use QR codes on the information posters to join Whatsapp groups with info about Amma’s activities, and other activities at the ashram.
AMAZON
It is possible to buy things through Amazon India. Make sure you have an Indian phone number first as they typically call you when they deliver and you need to meet them at the South Gate to pick up. Most likely, you won’t need this, but it’s good to have the option.
THE BIG PIECES FIRST
There is a lot to learn and get familiar with, and it may take a few weeks to settle in and “land”.
Get the big pieces in place first – housing, food, seva, Amma’s activities. Then, there is a wide range of other pieces to explore, depending on what you are drawn to.
Don’t worry if you have some rough moments in the beginning. That is to be expected. For me, it has been more than worth it to ride out the early rough moments.
Thank you for your story. Ang guidance.
Im also goung from Norway, and went to see Amma in England. First time in her ashram.