In my case, did the initial oneness shift come for free?
FOR FREE
In one sense, the initial oneness shift came for free.
It happened when this human self was sixteen, and without any prior interest in it, knowledge about it, or intention or practices.
NOT FOR FREE
In another sense, it was not at all for free.
I suspect it may have happened as a kind of safety valve. This human self was full of teenage angst, and the safety valve was for my nature to notice itself. For the consciousness I am to recognize that all content of experience happens within and as itself. Or for the divine to wake up to itself through and as this consciousness and through and in the life of this particular human being.
That was not for free. The distress was not for free.
It may also be related to the CFS/ME that came the year before, I suspect that was part of what opened for it. That CFS/ME has definitely not been for free. It has come with a great cost.
Also, it upended my life, and I am still coming to terms with it.
As what I am, it was a profound homecoming. I came home to a home I had never left. All of existence became my home.
At the same time, as a human in the world, I was profoundly alone. I didn’t know anyone interested in it, and nobody with even a glimmer of experience of it. It took many years before I found books reflecting this shift, and longer before I found someone with their own taste or familiarity with it.
There was a huge influx of energies in the years following this shift, and that was challenging in its own way.
Many years later, it led to the “lid” being taken off wounds and trauma, and that has been enormously humbling and challenging.
None of this has been for free. It has all had a great cost.
WAS IT WORTH IT?
So has it been worth it?
The question doesn’t really make sense. I never chose it, I have just tried to deal with it all as best as I can. This was life moving in that particular way here.
At the same time, I have to say yes. It was worth it. It has been immensely fascinating and rewarding. It has been an adventure unlike any other.
And I have to acknowledge that there are parts of me that would say no. Parts that want to protect me by wanting a “normal” human life. Thank you to those parts and their intention.
THE PERSONAL AND THE UNIVERSAL
All personal experience has something universal in it.
I suspect all awakening shifts and processes has aspects that are respectively free and costly, and it also depends on how we look at it.
In a sense, it’s all grace. It all comes from life, or existence as a whole, or the divine. It’s all local and temporary expressions of the movements of the whole of existence. It’s all free.
In another sense, it requires a lot from us. It costs everything. It requires interest, effort, and work. It requires profound and thorough humbling that leaves nothing left. It requires a wearing off, and seeing through, of every single idea (viewpoint, identity, belief) we hold onto as true or safe.