An apology is a good first step when there has been a rift between people. It shows that we understand that our words or actions hurt the other, we are sorry for that hurt, and there is a different way to do it, and we wish to do it differently in the future.
Repair goes further. It’s often needed to more fully restore trust and a sense of safety with the other, and if done well, it can deepen and strengthen the relationship.
Repair includes…
Talking in some detail about what happened so both understand the sequence of events.
Exploring misunderstandings. What did we say? What did we mean? How did we understand the other?
Exploring wounds and reactivity. What was triggered? Where does that come from? How did the wounds and reactivity in one trigger wounds and reactivity in the other? How did it escalate? (If it did.)
Recognizing the dynamic between the wounds in both of us. In most cases, it’s not about you or me, it’s about the dynamic between us.
Recognizing the role of old wounds. What happened is, most likely, rooted in intergenerational and collective wounds. It came from somewhere else. It’s not as personal as it seems.
These steps help shift it out of blame and into understanding. It reveals the innocence in it. (Even if the consequences can be harmful.)
Finding concrete steps we can take next time something similar happens. Agree to make an effort to recognize that it’s starting to happen, and do it differently.
Also, if there is still some charge there, it means there is still more to share, understand, and repair. If there is anything but love and understanding, there still further to go.