Oslo Journal May–July 2026

I returned to Oslo in the evening Friday May 15, and will be here through May – maybe longer.

This is a continuation of the journal I started when I went to Amritapuri in December, and then London in March and April. As usual, it will be as much a journal of my inner world as my outer. Follow the journal tag to see more articles in this series.

FRIDAY MAY 15 – LIVERPOOL TO OSLO

Today is my last day in the UK for now. I went to central Liverpool in the morning, spent some time at a café, had some Korean fast food, took a pleasant train to Manchester airport, and then the short flight to Oslo. It all went well. I arrived close to midnight, unpacked everything, and went to bed.

SATURDAY MAY 16 – OSLO

This is my first day back in Oslo, in the apartment near Akerselva in Kjelsås. I slept until after 10am (!) which is very unusual for me, and I probably needed it. I rested, went for a walk, got some groceries, and caught up with my friend when she arrived late afternoon.

ALIGN AND INTEND

I am exploring aligning with the divine and intending something for my system. It seems powerful and as – or maybe more – effective as using the Vortex Healing protocol.

The VH protocols are amazing and seem very important for some things, like infections. And yet, I also wonder if they are not more like training wheels. They help us get started and familiar with working with different part of our system and different issues. And then we can move to something more immediate and natural, while also returning to the protocols now and then.

And what’s more immediate and natural may be to align with the divine and intend.

SUNDAY MAY 17

My friend (HRH) who I am staying with in Oslo left for France this morning. I am profoundly grateful for being able to stay here when I am in Oslo/Norway. It’s a nice apartment with a very good location – at the edge of the forest, where Akerselva starts, and 10 minutes from a train station with trains that go directly to central Oslo. (And also light rail and buses if I need to go somewhere else.)

Since my healing with SH five weeks ago or so, a lot of central and deep issues have surfaced for me – unlovable, freeze, self-sabotage, and even self-hatred. Along with this is a sense of being a nuisance to others. That comes up whenever I share living space with someone and it doesn’t have anything to do with the other. (In this case, I don’t get a sense that she sees it that way at all.)

When I woke up this morning, I felt more free. I have this beautiful apartment for myself for twelve days. The first I did was to put up some photos of Amma (!), put my candle on the table by the sofas, clean the floor, eat an apple, listen to Yusef Lateef (classic jazz), and wash my clothes. It feels nice that what I want to do is just about spreading out a little more.

Today is our national day. I love watching the children’s parade, having the traditional 17. may lunch/dinner with my parents, and so on. But my parents are not here anymore. I don’t have my suit. I don’t have any invitations or plans. So today is a rest day for me, and a day for catching up with a few simple things like washing my clothes.

ALIGN & INTEND FOR SELF-HATRED

Today is also a day for exploring the align & intend approach more, as described above.

Yesterday, I did it for self-hatred. I have felt that energy before, mostly in my heart area, and seen it as self-sabotage. That’s not wrong since it’s an expression of it. I have also seen it as a part of me wanting to protect me, which is also not wrong. And a few days ago, I realized that self-hatred is a more fitting label. Something fell into place when I saw that, and I have explored it since.

One of the ways I have explored it is through align & intend – with the intention of waking up the issue/contraction and for whatever else that needs to happen to happen. Waking up “just” means that this part of me wakes up to itself as made of consciousness and the divine. (As anything else in this field of experience.) And also that “I” as this more conscious part recognizes it as consciousness and the divine.

SELF-HATRED

Self-hatred is a strong word, and it also fits for the part of me I am exploring. It’s here to protect me. And it has led me to find ways to end just about anything in my life that feels deeply right, aligned, and makes me come alive. It may also be connected to my chronic illness.

In my London journal, I explored some of this. Here is one brief section:

• My parents using the “crying out” approach -> I am unlovable. They are not there for me. I can’t have my needs met. It’s better to freeze/collapse since engaging does not work. // My needs don’t matter. Reaching out doesn’t work. It’s safer to freeze, collapse, or stop wanting.
• My mother seeming distant and preoccupied, as if I was a nuisance, and then exploding in anger and blame towards me -> There is something wrong with me. I am a nuisance. I am unlovable. It’s better if I am invisible and hide. It’s better if I am not seen or heard. It’s dangerous to be too alive. // My existence creates irritation. I am not wanted. Being seen can bring anger. It’s safer to be invisible.
• When I was visible in school (I was a good student), I would get hostility towards me from other students -> It’s dangerous to be visible or successful. Success leads to being ostracized and hated. If I am visible or successful, it leads to something terrible and beyond what I can deal with. // Success is dangerous. Being good at something brings attack. Visibility leads to isolation. If I shine, I may be hated.
• When I cried nobody came / my mother seemed preoccupied and saw me as a nuisance / school mates attacked me for being eager at school -> If I hate myself, I’ll make myself quiet, small, hidden, and invisible. That keeps me more safe.

I should say that my parents did love me and cared for me, and since they both have their own traumas and wounds, it got mixed up with that – including what’s described above. This is all intergenerational and collective trauma, as it’s passed on through our particular lineage. Most if not all is the trauma of domination culture.

It feels good to explore this. It’s sobering, and it’s also needed work and fascinating.

BODY LOCATIONS

When I explore the self-hatred, I mostly notice it as a contraction in the heart area. Since I have worked on waking it up for a few days now, it is more open there, and I notice more the next layers – especially down from the heart to the solar plexus and belly, and up to the shoulders, neck, and head. This morning, that’s where it’s working. (It seems especially connected to a contraction I have been aware of in the solar plexus / third chakra, which may be related to a weakening of my energy system/field in the back of my body in that area.)

POSSIBLE EFFECTS OF SELF-HATRED

What are some of the possible effects of self-hatred in my case?

These are pretty likely…

• Not enough. It ties into a general sense of not being enough. Of lacking. Of being unlovable. Unworthy.
• Staying small. It leads to me wanting to stay small, invisible, hidden. To not shine. To give the stage to others. To work behind the scenes. To not seek visibility in life or my activities. To hide my talents.
• Self-sabotage. It’s likely behind a pattern of sabotaging anything that feels deeply good, right, and in alignment with my guidance. This ties into not wanting to be seen or visible. Being seen = dangerous. It sets me up for attack. I have let go of career paths I deeply loved because of this.
• Difficulty receiving & trusting love. When I meet someone who seems to deeply love me, I tend to pull back. I have left relationships that felt deeply good, likely mostly for this reason.
• Distrusting my inner guidance. I have repeatedly followed the advice of others, including experts, even if it has gone against my own inner clear guidance and knowing, and I have deeply regretted it.
• Shame around my own needs. I feel I shouldn’t have needs, seek to have my needs met, or ask to have my needs met.
• Compensating with a different orientation. Likely partly to compensate for this, I have developed a reverse and more life-centered conscious orientation. One that has a deep partnership orientation and supports life.

A couple types of projections…

• Projections I – imagining them hating me. I likely project it out onto others. I see them as disliking me, at least if they get to know me. This ties into feeling unlovable. I expect others to dislike me and not want me in their lives.
• Projections II – directed towards others. It sometimes gets channeled into disliking others. Especially when someone is noisy (noise = threat for me, for my nervous system). And also in the few cases when someone treats me very badly, for instance, the architects in the Andes. (A third-party report said they were part responsible for a roof collapse that almost killed us, and they responded with a Trump-like strategy of absolute denial and ferocious attack.)

Some that I sense or wonder about…

• Being on edge. Being alert. Highly sensitive to noise, movement, certain smells, and so on. This ties into a general alertness in my system from traumas.
• Chronic illness/CFS. It may have set my system up for CFS. It may have weakened my system, along with a significant amount of general stress and anxiety in my teens. It may also make it difficult for my system to heal now.
• Freezing to hold it in check. I sense I freeze to hold it in check, to hold it back. This takes a good deal of energy and dampens aliveness.
• Healing & spiritual practices. It may be part of what fuels my explorations of healing and awakening. I feel not enough and imagine that continued awakening, embodiment, healing, and maturing may eventually make me good enough – for love, acceptance, inclusion. (Of course, that may be true if I focus on the self-hatred, being unlovable, and being not enough…! )

And some it seems related to…

• Expecting something terrible. What’s good cannot last.
• Freeze and collapse response. When I feel into it, self-hatred leads to freeze and collapse.
• Shallow breathing. That seems related to freezer and collapse, and self-hatred, wanting to be invisible, shutting down aliveness, and so on.

As suggested, these expressions tie into other painful beliefs and identities, and wounds. They tie into feeling unlovable, avoiding being visible, freeze and collapse responses, and so on.

All of them are here to protect me. They were formed early in life in response to difficult life situations and experiences, and make sense in that context. The essence of all of it is love, even if it’s what we better can call confused love.

GROUP HEALING

I participated in giving a group healing this afternoon, and took time off healing after that. I don’t want to overcook my system.

RESTING

I mostly rested, apart from the healing for myself (self-hatred) this morning and the group healing in the afternoon, and some things around the apartment – washing clothes, cleaning, making food. I watched an episode each of Schitt’s Creek (funny and with a heart), For All Mankind (like the alternate history aspect), and the next-to-last episode of Outlander (seems it may end in an OK yet unsatisfactory way!).

A lot of activity in my heart area and the top of my head this evening, especially after the group healing.

MONDAY MAY 18

I did a couple of errands in central Oslo and sat in a coffee shop on Aker Brygge for a bit.

AMRUM

At noon, I walked over to the Klingenberg cinema and saw Amrum. It was OK, about a boy at the end of WW2 on an island in Germany. To me, it was mostly about the innocence we are all born with and how we are met by the hangups and weirdness of the adults and their adult world.

LEARNING TO ACT ON MY OWN BEHALF

I usually arrive just when the movie is supposed to start so I can find a peaceful seat. And often, it seems, someone arrives later, sits down right next to me, and eats loudly and/or talks during the movie. That happened this time too, although I did ask them to be quiet and they were after that. It’s good practice for me to ask for what I need, especially when it seems reasonable.

Then exchanged a piece of clothing for one I liked and will use more (linen pants for linen shirt), which is also a way for me to take care of myself.

Off and on, I did healing for myself: Merging with the divine (including Amma) and intending. Today, I intended… Organization and alignment (integration). To be more at peace with people talking, noise, and so on. To open my system for more and more stable energy. And so on.

OUTLANDER

I watched the final episode of Outlander, which I was introduced to several years ago. I love that series, mainly because it has a good heart, for a taste of that time (I know it’s not a documentary), and the storytelling is pretty good. I thought the ending was good too. They didn’t try to make it bigger and bolder, as has been the downfall of some other series. The story became more of a slice of life, even if that life went over several decades – and really centuries.

There is some ambiguity in the very last scene, where they both open their eyes on the field where Jamie died. I like that too. Did Claire’s healing powers somehow restore him to life? Did they both die and woke up as spirits? Is it her dream or vision, symbolizing their continued living connection? All and more is possible, we don’t know, and that’s fine.

Most likely, it’s the first since they hinted at her healing powers in the flashbacks at the beginning of the episode, and her hair turned grey –possibly through the healing effort.

NOISE

As seems typical for me, or maybe life in our crowded times, the upstairs neighbor has been noisy since I returned. Yesterday, they kept going from early morning until after midnight with a lot of banging, moving furniture, and so on. Today, it’s been the same.

I wish to find peace with noise – see through my stressful stories, befriend the reactivity and contractions in me, notice it all as happening within and as what I am, recognize it as made up of what I am (consciousness) and the divine, and so on. I have worked on it since my teens, and there is still more there.

HEART

A lot is happening in my heart area today, as it has for a while now. It feels like something is expanding there, as if my heart is being stretched. Very raw. (Or as a kind of heart surgery?)

TUESDAY MAY 19

DREAM **

I know for certain I will die within a few weeks or months. It’s inevitable.

That’s the dream image I woke up with it. In the dream, there was a moment of shock and dread, which gave way to peace. It was a strong and vivid dream.

What’s this about? It may suggest a death of who and/or what I take myself to be. I may be in a process that leads to a loss of familiar identities etc., or my familiar experiential world in general. That fits the feel of the process I am in these days.

Of course, it may not be dramatic. We all die as what we are and are reborn as something else. That’s how it is with everything and everyone all the time.

It also brings up some questions:

• What in me may be ready to die so I can live more fully?
• If I only had a few weeks left, what would my main priorities be? How would it be to bring that into my life now?

I am exploring self-hatred, unlovable, and so on. Is that what’s about to die? At least to some extent? I am exploring it through (a) seeing that the painful stories are not true, (b) deeply recognizing them as here to protect me and from love, and (c) viscerally noticing them as being made by what I am (consciousness) and the divine.

Also, my main priorities would be my connection with the divine, close people in my life, and enjoying daily life.

Note: I made this into a separate article.

FROGNERPARKEN & GIVING IT TO THE DIVINE **

I went to Frognerparken today and sat on my favorite bench in the sun, under the trees, and by the waterfall. On my way there, I dialoged with the self-hatred part in me, and also prayed for it.

On the bench, I read in a book of experiences with Amma and resonated especially with this sentence:

I clearly heard Amma’s voice, saying calmly, “Surrender every memory to me as it arises in the mind”.

– Ambrosial Experiences, Matruvani Rajatasmriti, p. 43

I did that the rest of the day. I went through my timeline and surrendered painful memories to the divine / Amma. I surrendered any contraction on my body to her. I surrendered everything – my whole life and my whole field of experience – to the divine / Amma. I surrendered any sense of joy and bliss here and anything else my personality tends to life.

I also took a visit to the Oslo museum briefly while doing this. A former director was a good friend of my father.

It was a beautiful afternoon. My dream this morning encouraged me to go to this park, which I love and which has been important in my life since my parents took me there when I was very little. When I was an apprentice of Odd Nerdrum, I biked or walked through the park daily, and often had lunch there. Later, when I was a student and the university (art history and psychology), I would often walk from the university to the park and spend some time there after lectures. When I was in Norway while living abroad, I always tried to get a sunny day in that park.

CALLING TO SELF-HEALING

Since my childhood home was sold last fall, I have had a strong calling/ inner urge/ inner knowing to spend several weeks or months dedicated to meditation, prayer, inquiry, and self-healing. I did that at Amma’s ashram December through February, and also some while in London March and April although that time was also for friends, being a tourist, and so on.

Now, back in Oslo and alone in the apartment for some days, I feel I can really delve into this, and it feels deeply right and good. There is a bliss that comes from finally following this inner urge and knowing again.

I suspect the dream from this morning ties into this. It’s all part of a larger process.

USING VH TOOLS VS ALIGNING

When I use Vortex Healing tools to channel for myself, I notice my system easily gets tired, cooked, and disorganized.

When I instead use the align & intend approach – aligning with the divine and intend – it seems much easier for my system.

So that’s what I mostly do now, apart for some very useful and specific tools from Vortex Healing – to repair divine lines, infection protocol, and so on.

WEDNESDAY MAY 20

RESTLESS SLEEP

Not such a peaceful sleep last night due to the neighbor who is making a lot of noise just about 24/7. The friend I am staying with thinks it’s a neighbor with a baby, and the banging may be doors when they check on the baby. If that’s the case, why are they not more gentle with the doors? In any case, typical timing for me since this all happened just as I came here initially last November. They made the room next to my bedroom into the baby’s room.

ALIGN & INTEND

After waking this morning, I spent some time aligning with the divine with the intention to awaken / realign self-hatred. I notice the attention and energy goes to a contraction in my heart area and then down into the solar plexus and belly, and also up the shoulders, neck, and head/brain.

I have done this off and on over the last few days, and a lot of images from my past tend to come up.

ALL HERE

I notice how this physical life, the life I remember and can connect with between lives, and the divine I connect with, in one sense are all here.

Of course, there is a distinction made from mental images and words.

And it’s all expressions of the same Spirit or the divine. It’s all made of the consciousness that’s also my nature.

ALIGN & INTEND II

I am also doing align & intend with the intention to repair the damage from the virus. To repair the damage from the Epstein-Barr virus I got at age fourteen (mono) which very likely triggered or cause the CFS/ME a few months later when I was fifteen. I notice it’s working especially in my brain.

THURSDAY MAY 21

It took a good while to fall asleep last night. My system felt too wired, likely from the self-healing I had done the day before.

EXPLORING RECURRENT CHILDHOOD DREAM

As a child, I had a recurrent dream where I climbed up the ladder to the attic, put my head up into the attic space, and the ladder and everything disappears. I fall through the darkness, look down, and there is a witch with a cauldron looking up at me grinning. I am about the fall into her cauldron to be cooked and eaten.

Most likely, this has to do with unhealthy feminine aspects, from my mother and father, and in our culture in general. And, obviously and mainly, in me.

I have explored this in several ways. Today, I am giving it to the divine, and I am doing tonglen with the witch, myself falling, and both of us.

I also know that this has to do with setting boundaries towards unhealthy patterns in myself and others. This includes when I see myself engaging in unhealthy patterns. When my mother tried to control me, which she stopped doing early in my adult life since I did make it clear it was not acceptable. And when romantic partners have treated me in ways that’s clearly not healthy. It’s an ongoing process and I am still learning.

[Made into a regular article]

NOTICE AS THE DIVINE

I keep noticing anything my personality doesn’t like – including contractions, painful images/memories, and so on – as the divine. It’s made up of what I am made up of AKA awake space, consciousness. It’s made up of life, the divine, Amma.

If my intention is for it to resolve in a conventional sense, for traumas to fully heal and wounds to resolve, then I – this personality – will get disappointed. That may happen to some extent and over time, but it’s usually not a quick fix.

If my intention is for the noticing itself, then it’s simpler and more immediate. That’s something that happens here and now, and it’s enough in itself.

COSMIC, DREAD, STRETCHED HEART

These days, there is a weird mix of the cosmic – of oneness, all as consciousness, all as the divine and Spirit, of dread – from old traumas most likely, and of a heart that feels like it’s stretched and/or bursting and too small for my chest. I am not sure exactly what’s going on, but it’s interesting.

SCHITT’S CREEK

I saw the final episode of Schitt’s Creek today, and loved the series. It’s funny, well written, and has a big heart. It’s especially poignant to watch since three from the same family play main characters, and Catherine O’Hara died recently.

FRIDAY MAY 22

FROGNERPARKEN

I went to my friend (MJ) in Nydalen this morning to pick up an old iPhone he is lending me to use while mine is being repaired, and we talked for a while. Then, dropped off my phone, looked at iPads, and went to Frognerparken, sat on my favorite bench to read for a while, and walked around in the park and the cemetery next to the park.

GRIEF AND NEW DREAMS

I have a lot of memories from different parts of Oslo, and especially that park. I often walked through there on my way back from the University, I walked there with my first girlfriend since she lived nearby (Vinderen), I biked and walked through it to and from Odd Nerdrum’s studio, my parents took me there when I was little, and so on.

A big theme in my life is loss of opportunities and dreams. Often, because I ended something that felt deeply right, that my inner knowing said was right, and that made me come alive. (Likely connected to the self-hatred I have been exploring recently.) Another reason is my chronic illness, the CFS/ME. I have had a lot of grief around this.

These days, my dreams are around the regeneration and food forest project in the Andes, although that looks a bit shaky too. The organization that planted native trees shut down due to lack of funding. Relationships are a bit uncertain. Especially this year, with the super El Niño, it’s hot. (My body doesn’t seem to do too well when it’s hot.) The neighborhood is changing with a lot of outsiders – like us – moving in.

Another dream is spending more time at Amma’s ashram, and possibly a Zen center in The Netherlands or Northern Spain.

This comes up a bit most days. Today is a beautiful spring/early summer day. If I had better health, I would make fuller use of it – going more places, spending time with friends or family. Instead, I chose to sit on a bench and walk around on my own which was perfect in its own way, and it was a beautiful day. Still, the images of what I would do if I had more energy are there in the background.

And I notice all of it – the images, the sights, the sounds, the sensations, any contractions – as happening within and as what I am, made up of space and awakeness. This space that’s space even for physical space, and this ordinary awakeness that’s here – I assume – for any conscious being. It’s inherent in what we are, in the consciousness we are.

SATURDAY MAY 23

A day of doing some digital catching up – on this website, setting up the new iPad, and so on.

iPAD

I got a new iPad yesterday, and have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I got a lot of use out of my old one which I have had for 10-12 years now, and I will likely get many years out of this one too. I tend to get high quality things I can use for a long time, and I will use it a lot, especially at the cabin and while traveling. Because of my disability, I do spend more time in the digital world than I otherwise would – including to stay in touch with friends.

On the other hand, I don’t strictly need it, so it brings up mixed feelings at a surface level. At the same time, deeper down, it feels right. My inner guidance/knowing is calm about it and says it’s OK or even good. (That’s definitely not always the case. There are several times where I bought something, maybe something my surface personality liked a lot, and deeper down – from my inner guidance and knowing – there was a no, it was out of alignment, and I returned it.)

SUNDAY MAY 24

I am in my friend’s apartment at the edge of the forest in Oslo, and I am here on my own these days since my friend is in France. It feels good to have some time just on my own. I had planned to see family and friends these days, but enjoy this a little too much right now.

Update: My cousin K. called and asked if I wanted to go for a walk. I said yes even if I was very tried, and we did go for a short loop along the river and sat for a while at the café at the museum on the other side of the river.

I have been very tired today and mostly rested apart from a couple of brief walks in nature, and some small projects with this website (backups, optimizing the db) and selecting photos from Finca Milagros for an album.

MONDAY MAY 25

I seem to be getting back to my more normal schedule. I got up around 5am and really enjoy the early mornings and the silence.

Later in the morning, I got very sleepy and tired. I slept in two periods, and was unable to do much. In the early afternoon, I went for a walk and sat on a bench by the river and read (Ambrosial Experiences) for a while. When I came back to the apartment, I was in a better space and able to do a couple of projects.

I see there is a heatwave in the UK so I am grateful to be here with a beautiful mild late-spring/early-summer day with sun, breeze, and a few clouds. I used shorts in the afternoon for the first time this year.

I talked with AL in the afternoon and KL in the evening.

Off and on, I gave whatever comes up and is here to Amma, and notice all – especially contractions – as space. My system has mostly been in resting mode from healing for the last 2-3 days, but I can shift into it now and then, almost more as a reminder.

TUESDAY MAY 26

I woke up with some anxiety and sadness. My mind connected the anxiety with the future – money, where to live, the heat in Barichara, and so on, and it connected the sadness with the past – lost opportunities, lost relationships, a life colored by trauma.

Around noon, I went to central Oslo, did some errands, and sat on the grass by the lake in Frognerparken, reading for a while. It was a perfect late spring/early summer day with sun and a mild breeze.

DRAWING

I got a pen for my new iPad so I spent some time in the evening exploring Procreate and digital drawing and painting. When I did drawing in my teens and early twenties, I remember getting in the zone and seeing both the bigger picture – relationships, negative spaces etc. – and the details at the same time. I am not there yet, but if I keep going it will likely come back.

THE BOROUGHS

I finished The Boroughs while sketching and drawing. It was OK. Well made, enjoyable, and not with a lot of substance. (Which is why I felt it was OK to sketch at the same time..!) As the creators have said, it’s a kind of mix of Cocoon and Stranger Things.

WEDNESDAY MAY 27

A rest day and exploring Procreate on iPad.

THURSDAY MAY 28

I went to Frognerparken and had a longish conversation with HM, a friend I met at the Tibetan center in Oslo in the early ’90s. Sat on my favorite bench (the one by the waterfall) after for a couple of hours and worked on a charcoal drawing in Procreate. Another beautiful early summer day.

The drawing was OK but lacks precision and the little extra. I’ll need to get back into drawing a little more, and get more experience with the iPad and Procreate.

My friend (HH) I am staying with in Kjelsås will be in France for another one or two months, so I’ll have the apartment to myself for a little longer.

FRIDAY MAY 29

In my dream, something terrible happens, maybe a train crash. I take it seriously and travel in another way, and the group I am traveling with do the same. The train crash does happen, and I was able to avoid it by taking the dream seriously.

I don’t remember much from this dream other than that it felt a little chaotic and bordering on a nightmare. It has the feel of material that surfaces when I do healing for myself, as I did yesterday while out. Seems the message is to take my intuition and inner guidance seriously, and to also be more comfortable with a leadership role, including in these situations.

THE STRANGER **

At noon, I saw L’Etranger / The Stranger, based on the book by Albert Camus. I had mixed reactions to it.

Cinematically, it was beautiful and very well done. I loved the black and white compositions, the use of light and shade, and the pacing and storytelling.

As a story, it was somewhat disturbing. That’s obviously the point. It speaks to the sense of meaningless some experience in the modern world.

I like to use movies as mirrors for myself. Can I find in myself that person, and the other person, and the situation? I can find the main character in myself. It may not be a coincidence that I saw this film now, when I am exploring self-hatred. Just like him, I have made decisions that ruins something good in my life and puts my life on a more difficult and painful course, and that seems to be rooted in that self-hatred.

I reminded myself that I like movies with a heart, and the heart of this one was not explicit. Still, I think it is there. The book and this film both come from a concern with this aspect of modern life, and a desire to highlight it. That, in itself, is valuable.

The trailer is brilliant, in a different way than the film itself.

I use Letterboxd to keep track of films I have seen and wish to see, and in the process give them my own rating. With this one, I am ambivalent. It’s obviously a very good movie. At the same time, I didn’t really enjoy watching it – I made myself uncomfortable. And that’s obviously the intention. I ended up with 3.5 stars out of 5, although I suspect it deserves more.

BOTANICAL GARDENS

I saw The Stranger at Ringen Cinema in Grünerløkka, and after walked to the botanical gardens and was there for a while before taking the subway and tram back to Kjelsås.

Talked with AL while at the botanical garden, and later BB and JH after coming home. They all called me, which feels good. In my life, I have always felt that I reach out a lot more than others reach out to me. That may be true, and I suspect I also don’t always notice when people reach out to me.

THIS WEBSITE **

In the evening, I used ChatGPT to identify and add articles to the “Selected Articles” section on this website. I like to use AI as an assistant so I give specific instructions, often need to clarify something, and also go through the results before making a decision. That said, it is a big help, especially considering there are more than 10,000 articles here now.

When I look at older articles, or really any article here, I see a lot I would change – clarify, condense, expand on, reorganize, and so on. I have cleaned up a handful of older articles when I have happened upon them, but usually don’t. At some point, it may be good to revisit some of the ones in the “selected articles” section and do a light edit.

SATURDAY MAY 30

Another beautiful early summer day.

MERGING & INTENDING

I woke up with sadness and some other things floating around, maybe from working on “the most densest issue in my system” yesterday.

When I do this, I merge with the divine, including Amma, and set an intention. In this case, the densest issue. I sense where in my system it goes, and notice what comes up.

Yesterday, what came up was sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, and some reactivity / annoyance.

I also notice how it’s all happening within the consciousness I am, and how this awake space forms itself into this contraction and the experiences related to it. I have formed myself into it.

The divine has formed itself into it, so it can also untie the knot.

DRAWING & PAINTING HELPS MY LIFE MOVE

I continue to draw and paint on my iPad (Procreate) and it is giving me some new focus, energy, and it helps my life move. It gives me energy and flow to do other projects and other things in my life.

That’s how it was when I was deeply immersed in drawing and painting in my teens and early twenties, and I have a small taste of it now.

And that, in itself, is more than enough reason to do it.

PROCREATE

I just started drawing and painting with my iPad and Procreate, and did my first quick “oil” sketch today – after Zurbaran. The photo I found wasn’t very good – with yellow tones and blown out highlights – but it’s a start. I had fun doing it.

I built it up with layers – background, warm dark tones and outlines, and then three lighter layers. Then, I worked all on one layer to refine, with one additional layer for highlights. Not sure if I’ll continue with that approach but it seemed to work OK.

SUNDAY MAY 31

DREAM

I return to the property I own with my ex and ex-father-in-law. It’s a large British-style estate with several buildings and large park areas. I run into my ex and then move on to a second set of houses to sleep there. On my way, I pass through a large conservatory meant to be used for gatherings. It’s full of old furniture. Someone working there tells me to set up some chairs around a table. I don’t quite understand why, especially since it would involve clearing out space. He seems to think there is something important for me to discover or learn from doing so. I tell him I’ll go to the house, set up there, and maybe sleep, and then do it later. He nods. The property is large, and the second housing complex is more than large enough for one person. Although everything has been unused for quite some time, and needs some cleaning and clearing, it’s fundamentally in good shape. I realize I am quite wealthy from this property we bought several years ago, and where I haven’t been much.

This reflects many sides of my waking life, including a large property where I haven’t been for a while and is slightly neglected.

In terms of mirroring me, it seems to point to significant inner resources and structures that have been neglected for a while but are still structurally sound. That’s certainly true as well.

The conservatory is a space between outdoors and indoors, it’s meant for gatherings, and setting up chairs is a preparation for having visitors and groups there. First, I need to clear out old clutter, or at least move all the old furniture to places where they are useful.

CHANNELING

I felt pretty good this morning so spent some time doing healing for myself, mainly with the intention to repair the damage from the virus. Predictably, my system got very disorganized in the afternoon in spite of a good amount of catch-ups and integration.

MONDAY JUNE 1

It was a beautiful day with rain. I love the sound, smell, and sight of rain, especially since I am sitting with a view to the forest just 15 meters away.

I did some maintenance on this website, mainly adding to the “selected articles” page with the help of my AI assistant. I asked ChatGPT to trawl my site for articles on specific topics, and then I made the final selection.

In the evening, some farm manager messages to others involved in the Finca Milagros project. They are creating a pond to collect rainwater from the roof of the big house, and I want to make sure it’s done well. It needs to be big enough, ideally 30,000 liters. That’s enough to collect water from three normally big rainfalls, and to water the plants for 2-4 weeks during the dry season. It also needs to have a slope and steps so people, dogs, and wildlife can get out if they fall in, and also a log from bottom to top for insects etc to crawl out. It needs to be shaded – by plants and possibly a shade cloth. We need a pump for water circulation to keep the water more healthy and avoid mosquitos. We need a plan for overflow.

TUESDAY JUNE 2

I rested in the morning and walked along the river to Nydalen to pick up my phone that has been to repair. They switched it for a new one of the same model, which is nice since the battery is new too. It means I may keep it a little longer than I planned. (I have had it – iPhone 13 Max Pro – about five years. I like to get quality things and use them for a while.)

My system felt quite disorganized so I spent some time catching up, integrating, and optimizing before falling asleep.

WEDNESDAY JUNE 3

ADDING ARTICLES TO THE “SELECTED ARTICLES” PAGE

I did some more catching up of smaller projects, or projects without a deadline. Mainly, adding articles to the “selected articles” page and organizing/reorganizing it. I used my AI assistant, ChatGPT, to help identify articles and check links after the page was mostly done.

I also see some gaps in what I have written about, especially when it comes to my own process. For many years, I didn’t explicitly write about my own process – although everything is about my own process too. I have had to put effort into doing it, and see there are some things I have mentioned as an aside that may deserve their own articles, just for the sake of filling in gaps.

It’s been a rainy and cool day, perfect for sitting by the window and the open balcony door and hearing the rain and wind, feeling the cool air, and smelling the smells that come with the rain.

No work on my system today, which feels good. My system needs some rest from all the healing work the last few days. I am still noticing contractions and this body as space, which also feels good. It’s a good reminder.

THURSDAY JUNE 4

DREAM

I am aware of my life filled with loss. A voice says, “your life is filled with support and hope”. I see that’s true too.

I see the timeline of my life filled with loss, then the voice reminds me of the reverse, and I see that’s true as well. I guess this is an example of wisdom coming in through dreams, and also The Work of Byron Katie happening in dreams.

How would it be to notice the support and hope? How would it be to take some time today to do that, through the day?

VARIETY OF ACTIVITIES

I sat in the comfy chair by the window and open door for a lot of the day, working on smaller projects on my computer. I enjoyed the sounds, smells, and sights of the rain and the forest, and also the cool air.

It was a reminder to switch it up with walks, rest, and so on. I spent too many hours in one go on the computer, and felt weird / wired from it, and also frustrated since I spent a lot of time on my last project and it did go where I wished.

HEALING PROCESS

I talked with JH last night, and mentioned that I am not sure if the healing work I am doing for myself is actually helping. It’s sometimes difficult to say. What I do know is that it brings up a lot of unprocessed material and tends to destabilize and disorganize my system – and life! At least for some days.

FRIDAY JUNE 5

I didn’t sleep too well last night. A lot of discomfort coming up, and the same experience of my heart being stretched. It may also be connected with drinking too much cocoa during the day and evening! I notice the effects of the caffeine.

EXPLORATIONS

In general, I continue to…

Give it all over to the divine / Amma.

Notice it all as space / made up of what I am.

Welcoming. Thanking.

And forgetting this, and remembering again.

WHEN THE CURE IS WORSE THAN THE DISEASE (?)

I was chatting with H. from Amritapuri. She is recovering in Bali after a 2-4 week long panchakarma treatment in India. It seems that it was too strong for her, and she is still recovering months later.

I am likely lucky to have dodged that bullet. When I was at Amritapuri, I saw the doctor and was about to start panchakarma, but my inner guidance said it would be too much. I checked with Ric (main Vortex Healing teacher) and he said I should not to do. And I then had a dream where my mother told me I should absolutely not do it (!). (She had died a few months earlier.) So I fortunately got some good support for my own inner knowing.

Of course, it seems to help many. It may just not be for everyone, or it may not be the right time.

SATURDAY JUNE 6

DREAMS ABOUT COMMUNITY

I had a long vivid dream about community, art, and so on, where I was quite engaged and involved. I seem to have these dreams when I am alone more than usual. I had a lot of vivid and rich community dreams during the pandemic. I have been a semi-hermit the last three weeks, after returning from England. I assume it’s the mind creating what’s missing through the dreams, or maybe reminding me I can seek it out more in waking life.

NO EXTRA RESOURCES FOR FLOWERS

I realized I forgot to water an orchid here last time I watered the plants. It’s still doing fine, but the flowers dried up. When I saw it and gave it water, I said: I guess you didn’t have extra resources for flowers, huh?

That’s how it’s been for me too. I haven’t had extra resources for flowers. I have had enough with surviving and doing the essentials – which has included buying the land in the Andes, developing the food forest, going to Amma’s ashram, and so on. So I have done some, but it’s all been about what for me are basics and essentials. It shows my priorities, of course.

What would my flowers be? It would be reading fiction books. Going for long walks. Hiking in nature. Camping. Swimming. Going to theater and concerts. Having dinner gatherings with friends. Painting. Drawing.

MYSTERY OF EXISTENCE WEBSITE

My host for Mystery of Existence sent me an email saying the database is over the 1GB limit. The same happened last year, and I was able to shrink it through optimizing and cleaning the database, but now it got over again.

I did similar kinds of optimizing, and it didn’t help that much, so I started looking into other hosts. Infomaniak in Switzerland looks like a good option, and it’s also less expensive than my current host.

After doing some work in MySQL, with the aid of AI / ChatGPT, the size of the database suddenly dropped dramatically. I had to check the article count to make sure they were all there. I am not sure why the sudden drop. I didn’t even work on that table, I just emptied a couple of log tables.

In any case, all seems good now. I may still move to another host but it’s not my main priority right now.

My priority is adding a few articles on essential and somewhat missing/ignored topics, and installing a new theme, likely a magazine theme. I did rework the “selected articles” page, and may do a bit more there. Also, I may go through unpublished articles and see if I want to publish some of them. Many of them should be ready to be published.

SUNDAY JUNE 7

DREAMS

I am at some kind of community or school, where I am visiting but staying long term. I have a good deal of experience with the topics so I help and guide others, although I don’t have a formal role there.

First scene: I am with one or two others, and a ghost appears. It’s persistent. I channel Vortex Healing to make it go away / help it to move on.

Second scene: Someone there, who had recently arrived and I had trusted and helped, puts drugs in my luggage without me knowing. We are traveling to the same place for a gathering or conference. I feel betrayed and scared for my own situation.

Third scene: I am writing a message to all Vortex Healing people. It’s a general welcome to new people, some practical pointers, etc. A. takes over the message, adds something inappropriate that I would never say, and sends it. I again feel betrayed and humiliated.

It’s a community focused on learning, sharing, and in the intersection of healing, spirituality, and permaculture. I am visiting long term, and naturally fall into a guiding or teacher role even if I formally don’t have any position there. That reflects my waking life experience in those kinds of communities. I tend to be an outsider and visitor, formally without any position or in the role of a beginner, and in terms of experience often could have been in the role of a teacher.

The ghost is likely a pattern in me from the past. I am using energy healing to make it go away and/or move on. A part of me wants it to go out of impatience, reactivity and dislike, and a part of me wants to help it move on out of empathy.

In the other scenes, I am betrayed in a way that feels humiliating and dangerous. I trusted them, and was hurt because of it. In waking life, A. has done exactly that type of thing, and I strongly dislike it. She has not respected my boundaries and a clear no.

These were slightly uneasy dreams bordering on nightmares. They certainly reflect themes from waking life.

CHILI & LIFE

A friend (CS) from high school is coming for lunch so I made my easy and delicious chili dish – homemade vegetarian chili. I realized I didn’t have some essential spices (mainly smoked paprika), and some of the other ones here are unfamiliar to me, but that’s OK. Chili is meant to be made with whatever we have.

It’s like life in general. We make a meal out of what we have, and if we are lucky, we make the best meal possible. I say “lucky” since that intention and ability is, in a real way, luck. It comes from somewhere else, like everything.

I like to make easy and delicious food. This chili is one example. I also love a salad with quinoa or buckwheat pasta, or sometimes fried eggs. These days, I tend to make that salad with spinach, tomatoes, avocado, olives, seed mix, feta cheese, olive oil, and/or whatever else I happen to have.

Maybe that’s like life too. I like to make it into something simple and delicious, as much as possible.

That happens often enough, and there are also times when the meals are less delicious, or outright difficult to digest.

Update: At the last moment, he sent a message saying he is not coming. Somehow, I had that sense. It also ties into what comes up in me around being alone.

MY COUSIN KNUT

My cousin Knut has come to mind lately. He was older than me, and had a disability so he was unable to walk or speak very easily. This came from a stroke he had in Tanzania as a teenager, possibly from not taking his epilepsy medication. We spent a good amount of time together when I lived in Oslo in my late teens and early twenties, and we would have long conversation about life, nature, culture, and so on. He was intelligent, curious, and sincere. Maybe not very unlike me. He also had his disability, as I have mine. He was often alone and unable to do as much as he would like, like me. That may have provided the container for his depth. These similarities, and that I am now mostly alone, is maybe that’s why he comes to mind.

I talk about him in past tense because he died some years ago, in 2018 according to my calendar.

I NEVER SAW MYSELF IN THE WORLD

I am reminded of how I never saw myself in the world. As a child, I was passionate about the world, as I still am. I loved science, adventure stories, people working with animals, and so on.

But I never saw myself in any of it. I didn’t see myself traveling. I didn’t see myself with a family. I didn’t see myself with a job, let alone any of those kinds of jobs.

There was no logical reason for it. I was excellent at school and I had passion, curiosity, and receptivity. I came from a family with resources. I lived in a country with good and tax-paid education through PhD.

I am still not sure why I never saw myself in the world in that way. I still don’t, if I am honest. It’s as if the world has no room for me. It’s about others, not me.

This is obviously tied into family dynamics, and also the culture in my class in school that was hostile towards any kind of passion, skills, or excellence.

Due to my health, my missing image of myself in the world has become true, in many ways. I am missing from the world. I don’t have a family or children. I am unable to work. I write here, knowing very few read it and that it will be gone without a trace.

Here are some beliefs around it: It’s safer for me to not be visible in the world. The world has no room for me. I am not welcomed into the world. My life is not welcome in the world. The world is for others. I am outside of the world. I cannot participate in the world. What I love is not for me. What I love and is passionate about is for others.

And it’s also not quite true I am missing from the world. I have had relationships. I have friends. I have the project in the Andes which benefits millions of lives.

MONDAY JUNE 8

DREAM

My father has returned as a ghost. Several people see him. He appears in several places, sometimes at the same time. It’s a slightly chaotic situation.

This was another slightly unsettled/unsettling dream. My father is with me all the time, of course, also because I still like to listen to classic jazz which he loved. (I have especially enjoyed Yussef Dayes Radio on Spotify.) I have also felt a presence here with me, which has been very strong some days, but don’t know what that is.

In some ways, he was a ghost at home. He did a lot of practical things, and had his own house (log cabin in the garden) where he painted, restored antiques, did woodwork, and so on. But in the house, my mother talked almost non-stop and he rarely said anything.

I have been a ghost in my life too, in an even more obvious way. I feel there is no room for me in the world. I have made myself invisible. I have abandoned several paths that felt deeply right and aligned.

Last week, I invited the energies to work on the “densest issues” in my system. A lot came up since, and this seems to be part of it. It seems to revolve around unlovable, unsafe, unsupported, and so on, and trying to stay safe through invisibility and being like a ghost.

OUTING

I have been resting for a few days, apart from a few local walks. I needed it after the healing work I did for myself at the beginning of last week. This morning, I went to Majorstua to possibly see a movie, but changed my mind and instead turned back, returned a phone I borrowed from a friend in Nydalen (to use while mine was being repaired), did some grocery shopping, and went back home.

I have been feeling extra tired, maybe because of the self-healing I did last week. It also brought up old things in my system, which has been reflected in my slightly disturbed/disturbing dreams. I went to bed early.

TUESDAY JUNE 9

I woke and got up early, which feels good. Another cool and rainy day, which I love. I sit by the window and the open door, with a view to the forest just meters away.

ENERGIZING

I have had some days without much channeling. Yesterday, I got back into energizing my system which also felt good – prenatal jing and kidney essence, constitutional energy for my kidneys and meridians, energizing my kidneys, and energizing and nurturing my system as a whole. I do feel more full and whole this morning, in terms of energy and just general feel.

DREAM

I am part of a large family of all ages. I and a young woman (sister, cousin?) have sent a letter to Spielberg. Later, we run into him and he is happy to see us and know who we are. He gives us extravagant gifts, including full sets of high quality comic books (Franquin, Will Eisner (?), etc.), and spends a couple of days with us even if his most recent movie is premiering. He is very generous and kind.

I am part of a large family of all ages, an inner rich and supportive community.

I and a young feminine part of me has sent a message to a storytelling part of me.

He is very happy to see us, acknowledge us, be generous towards us, and spend time with us.

Day residue: I watched a couple of interviews with him yesterday, about his new movie Disclosure Day.

Day residue II: I have been getting into drawing again, am organizing my writing here, and am considering getting a mirrorless camera, so there are elements of that kind of storytelling in my life. My healing work is storytelling at a deeper level, it’s about the stories I tell myself about my history and who I am.

WEDNESDAY JUNE 10

PLANT DATABASE

I spent the evening yesterday working on the plant database of Barichara / Finca Milagros. It’s much easier when I use an AI assistant, and ChatGPT is much better at handling it now than in 2024 when I first created the project. I stayed up later than usual since I got drawn into this project.

I notice a part of me gets fascinated and intrigued by the technicality of it all, so I have to step back now and then and remind myself WHY I am working on this project, what it’s purpose is, and how it can be most useful.

Here is the current version: Barichara Plant Database. It’s still in progress, and I have plans for making it more user friendly, informative, and hopefully accurate. I took some screenshots of parts of the interface, and there are a little over 250 plants in the database so far.

KNOWING & NOT KNOWING AND WHAT MAKES LIFE INTERESTING **

I keep noticing three familiar dynamics in me. One wants to know partly for practical and pragmatic reasons, and partly to feel safe. One is content with not knowing, at least not fully knowing, or knowing that I don’t fully know. And a third is fascinated by them being even more valid, useful, and interesting together.

Not knowing makes life interesting. Knowing makes life interesting. And knowing and not knowing together makes it even more interesting.

THURSDAY JUNE 11

I made this into a regular article.

FRIDAY JUNE 12

DREAMS

I had some restless dreams and borderline nightmares again, this time people dissatisfied with me and what I am doing. Seems to be a lot of old patterns surfacing these days, which is good I guess, especially since I use the intention of working on the deepest and most central issues.

TAKING UP SPACE

I tend to get annoyed when people are noisy, talk loudly on the train, and so on. It’s clearly some kind of shadow projection.

For instance: They take up space. My tendency is to try to be invisible and not take up space. So taking up space is in my shadow. (Shadow in a Jungian sense, the shadow of my conscious orientation.)

So when I get annoyed, I can remind myself that they are my teachers. They show me what I am missing. They remind me that I can take up more space too.

I was reminded of this when YouTube decided to show me this awesome remix of the Nooran sisters singing. They are certainly not holding back. They are being fully visible and take up as much space as is needed to wholeheartedly sing that song.

SATURDAY JUNE 13

I did end up spending most of yesterday working on the plant database. I enjoy it, and get absorbed into it – as I do with art, music, and other things – but I also end up feeling a bit weird from it, slightly zombified.

KAFKA ON THE SHORE

I woke up early and stayed in bed for a while listening to an audiobook – Kafka on the Shore by Murakami. I understand why this books was/is popular. It’s just about engaging and intriguing enough to stay with and it’s an easy read.

In general, it feels dreamlike, which I enjoy, although so far, the dream elements feel a bit like conscious inventions. I’ll stay with the story since it’s still enjoyable and intriguing enough, and I am sure I may see it differently after I am done.

Update: Well, it continued to be intriguing enough to stay with. The story seems like a fever fantasy of a 15 year old boy, so as that, I guess it’s OK.

Update 2: It’s a few days later and I finished it. It was OK but not excellent. I like stories with a little more heart and insights.

EL NIÑO

Over the last few weeks, I have seen several articles on the coming El Niño season which may be the strongest since 1877 if not stronger. That means a lot of unusual weather in some areas of the world, including droughts and heat. In 1877, it led to mass crop failure and famine.

I have heard it’s unusually hot in Barichara now, although it’s difficult to say if it has to do with El Niño. Time will tell. I am going there later this year, and am not looking forward to unusual heat if that’s what will happen.

We are continuing our work with harvesting and collecting rain water on Finca Milagros. It’s especially important now that we may get a longer than usual dry season next year. It also means that my plan of creating a Japanese wood tub may be pushed forward so I have a place to cool down. (The water can also be used for watering, so it won’t be wasted.)

PLANT DATABASE

I keep working on the plant database and the interface. It’s a good reminder that maps are not the terrain, not even in the slightest. All categorization is somewhat arbitrary and can be done in many different ways. It’s not even easy to tell which plants are native to the area, or naturalized, or naturalized how long ago, and so on.

I am also reminded of the 80-20 rule. 20% of my time created 80% of the project, and it now seems that 80% of my time and effort goes into the last 20%! It takes a lot of time to refine both the interface and the database itself, and check for accuracy.

SUNDAY JUNE 14

PLANT DATABASE

I am still working on the plant database and interface. The last 20% is a lot of work! It requires a lot of testing and refining. Right now, I am looking at the output of the lists and filters and am refining both the backend (the database) and front-end (the logic).

As mentioned earlier, I tend to get a little obsessed with things I am working on, whether it’s art (not doing that so much now), photography, writing, or – like in this case – programming and developing a website. (Or, of course, meditation, inquiry, and so on.)

FOOD

I notice that whenever I switch locations, it takes a few weeks before my diet and food falls into place. I have been back in Oslo for about a month and just now feel I am coming into a good routine.

I had some delicious leftover chili and quinoa for brunch, and “homemade” organic pasta with a spinach salad – spinach, tomatoes, olives, walnuts, seed mix, feta, olive oil, smoked paprika, chili – a little later in the afternoon.

TASTES GOOD

Since my teens, I intuitively and viscerally think of “tastes good” as what tastes good for my whole being. This food tastes good with my whole being. It also happens to taste good for my nose and tongue, which is part of it, but just a part of the picture.

MONDAY JUNE 15

I didn’t sleep that much last night, not sure why. Got up at 3am and did some things around the apartment, and continued with the review of the plant info in the database. I took a nap again around 6am. That seconds sleep felt delicious and extra nurturing, as they often do.

PLANT DATABASE: DRAFT TO DEVELOPED

The plant database is, like so much, a process of going from a draft to something more polished and refined. The initial plant into was roughly accurate, but not always verified with the best sources available. Now, I am in the process of doing that verification. From the beginning, there has been about 270 plants in the database, either native or appropriate for a food forest in that climate. I have removed and added a few.

I am also adding more fields to the database to support more and better lists and filters on the front end.

And I am going to refine the front end soon. It does have four main options: Search, discover (learn), design, and identify. Those sections still seem fine. But the lists and filters within each may need some reorganization, both to make sure the sections are distinct and to make the user experience easier. I want it to be intuitive and have a flow.

A WALK THAT ENDED UP LONGER THAN PLANNED

Late morning, I went for a walk along the river to Nydalen and took the bus back. Due to an unusual mix-up, I ended up on in the countryside on the other side of the lake (!) from where I am staying. I walked back, and it was a nice trip on a cool summer day. I noticed I had an apparent choice to go with disappointment – since I ended up in the wrong place – or enjoyment since it was a nice walk and I probably needed it. I mostly went with the latter.

GRIEF

I signed a document this evening related to my father’s death. Somehow, seeing it in writing hit me and brought up a lot of grief. It comes and goes and changes over time, as everyone says. It’s mixed in with a lot of gratitude, and sadness that the world he created – through his life – is gone. And also knowing that’s how the world is. Everything comes to leave again. That’s how this world is supposed to be.

FAMILIAR

Bitter-sweet feelings – like this grief mixed with gratitude – is somehow very familiar to me.

Life often seems bitter-sweet.

It’s good to notice that it’s familiar, and that doesn’t mean I need to stay with it or nurture it. It’s free to come and go and live its own life, as it does anyway.

DIM LIGHT AT NIGHT

I naturally, usually without thinking about it, adjust the indoor lighting to the outdoor. At night, I like to keep the indoor lighting as dim as possible. It helps me feel ready for sleep.

I also keep screens dark enough so I can easily see, but not any lighter.

TUESDAY JUNE 16

KAFKA ON THE SHORE

I slept well last night, and finished Kafka on the Shore this morning. I feel lukewarm about it. It was enjoyable and intriguing enough, but not exactly great literature. The dream elements felt more thought out than organic, and the story in general felt like it lacked both heart and insights/maturity. Maybe that’s appropriate since it was the world of a fifteen year old boy. Not a book I would recommend, although I also wouldn’t discourage anyone from reading it.

CONSCIOUS VS VISCERAL

In my mind, attention is at what’s here – including thoughts when they are supposedly about the past or future. My mind tends to not go into dwelling on the past or being scared about the future.

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, of course, and other parts of my system are living their now lives. Some are caught up in sadness and grief. Others in fear and anxiety. When these come up, I notice a tendency for thoughts to put a story on top of it, and I also usually recognize it as it happens.

The other way is true as well: Emotions come up and I use them to find old painful stories that parts of me are still holding onto and operating on.

Some of the early modern psychologists, like Freud, certainly got that right: Our conscious orientation is just a small part of who and what we are and what colors our perception, orientation, and life.

That’s partly why I see a conscious awakening as just the first step. Consciously, my nature may recognize itself, and yet all kinds of part of me are still operating from separation consciousness. That’s where the work is.

INNER GUIDANCE

Since the initial oneness shift in my teens, there has been a clear inner guidance in me. I haven’t always followed it – because of my wounds, hangups, and fears – but it’s always there. It’s quiet, clear, and comes from another place than the activity of the psyche.

When I am on my own, it guides my daily life, including everyday and apparently small decisions.

One form it takes is that when I talk with someone, it will respond to what I am saying. It will give me a yes, no, or a nuance.

MINI-SYNCHRONICITIES

I have had many mini-synchronicities lately. Usually, it’s in the form of something coming to mind, noticing it’s a little odd and unusual, and then a friend bringing it up in conversation shortly after.

For instance, for whatever reason, it came to mind that my mother was 35 when she had me, and I wondered why that came up. Hours later, I talked with a friend who said he and his partner were going to have a baby, and that it was good timing since she is 35 and they didn’t want to wait any longer.

FINALLY STABILIZING (?)

Two weeks ago, I did some work on myself using Vortex Healing and the aligning with the divine & intending approach. My focus was to repair the damage from the virus, and also to work on the most dense issue in my system. This brought up a lot of old material, and I didn’t feel great for a while after. Now, it seems my system is finally stabilizing again and it feels more “normal” and familiar.

It’s a quite intense process for me, even with catch up and integration, and being on my own.

POLITE TO AI

I am using AI for some things. And yes, I am aware of all the concerns about AI, from water and energy use to what it can do to us and our creativity.

The point here is how I relate to AI.

I use AI as an assistant to help me with some tasks it would be difficult for me to do on my own, for whatever reason. I have CFS and strong brain fog, so it does help me to do things I otherwise couldn’t or wouldn’t. Sometimes, it would also just take too long to do on my own.

I also treat it as I wish to treat myself and others. I treat it with respect. I say thank you and please. That’s obviously not for the sake of the AI! It’s for my own sake. It’s how I wish to be.

WEDNESDAY JUNE 17

FEELS GOOD TO NOT BE OVERWHELMED FROM OLD STUFF COMING UP

I have to admit, at a human level, it feels good to feel more stabilized and “normal”, without all the old stuff surfacing from healing work. I am enjoying that today. I feel much more clear, engaged, and focused.

A VISUAL ODDITY: 2D BECOMES 3D **

I have noticed a visual oddity for a while.

When I look at a 2D image, there is sometimes a shift so I viscerally experience it as 3D. I see 3D depth, just as when I look at a real-life scene, and there is even some parallax when I move my head. It’s very interesting and doesn’t happen all the time, but often enough.

PLANT DATABASE

Yesterday, I got to a point where the lists and filters on the front page is 80-90% finished. There are a lot of lists and filters, so I organized it hierarchically with increasing detail.

Today, I am working on the details page. It’s a relief with the relative simplicity of this page compared to all the lists and filters!

NUANCES OF AWAKENING

There are a lot of nuances of awakening and the awakening process. It’s not (just) binary and either/or.

It is binary in that the noticing itself is there or not. Our nature notices itself or not.

Even that noticing has nuances.

My nature may notice itself, and it’s filtered through an old habit of identifying as an object within the field of experience. In that case, my nature seems at least slightly as “other”, as something that may come and go. This clarifies with intention, interest, sincerity, and time.

My nature may notice itself, and it may “forget” in some situations and go back into old habit of identifying as an observer, doer, human self, and so on. This stabilizes with intention, interest, experience, and time.

This is about clarifying and stabilizing the awakening.

Part of my human self, my psyche, may – will guaranteed – still operate from old separation consciousness habits. These will inevitably color my perception, choices, and life.

Exploring that, and inviting these parts to join in with the awakening, is an ongoing process.

All of this will, almost guaranteed, be a lifetime exploration. If we lived for a thousand years, it would be a thousand year exploration. There is no finishing line, at least not in the foreseeable future. And that’s fine. It’s beautiful. It makes it always new and interesting. It’s fascinating.

THURSDAY JUNE 18

RESTLESS DREAMS

I had some restless dreams again last night, bordering on nightmares. My sense is that it was about my future – there are a lot of uncertainties there, which trigger old anxiety and a sense that the world is not safe. Or that I am not safe in the world.

WALK, CINEMA, BOTANICAL GARDENS

It’s a beautiful mild summer day today so I went out around ten, walked along the river, and took the tram the last little stretch to a movie theater on Grünerløkka.

They showed Spirited Away and I have not seen it on a big screen before. I sat relatively close to the screen so it filled most of my field of view and I got to study the beautiful background paintings. It’s a long time since I saw it, and it was as good as I remembered. It’s a close to perfect movie for me with humor, archetypes, dreamlike elements, allies and apparent foes, transformations, strive and reconciliation, friendship, deep connections with nature, and more.

I then walked to the botanical gardens and sat there and read for a while. I enjoy reading sections in Ambrosial Experiences – people’s experiences with Amma, often deeply transforming.

AUDIO BOOK

I finished an audio book I started several summers ago…! I listened to almost all of it while at the cabin, I think during the pandemic when I was there for months on end. And I finally finished it today. It was Tove Janson: arbeide og elske / Tove Janson: Work and Love, written by Tuula Karjalainen. It was the perfect book for me: Fascinating subject and time, well written, and very well read by Ingrid Teien.

THOUGHT PATTERNS FROM CULTURE

I keep seeing thought patterns from culture coming up, almost all the time in response to whatever I see around me or the situation I am in. There don’t feel like “me”, even if they are very familiar. They clearly come from the culture. It feels good to recognize them as that as they surface.

Some examples:

MANTRA & NOTICING SPACE

I am using the mantra I received from Amma off and on. Today, I used it much more through the day.

I also notice all as space, especially physical contractions, and especially physical contractions my psyche associated with a sense of a center, or feeling more like a me, I, doer, or observer.

PLANT DATABASE

I finished the details page. It went faster than I expected. Was it just one day? It’s all getting a bit blurry now.

I did find some errors in the Google Sheet yesterday evening. This is the spreadsheet with all the plant info – 260 plants and about as many columns! Somehow, a script had corrupted some of the fields so I needed to repair them with some older “donor” sheets. Thank God for (the wisdom to do) backups.

Today, I am auditing more of the sheet – for length, type of content, etc. Right now, I am reviewing each row for internal consistency.

I am also looking at making a mobile-specific version of the interface, modernize the look a bit, making a dark mode, and a few other things. Maybe even an app?

I am spending more hours on this than I like to admit. It’s already the equivalent of weeks of full time work, although it has been spread over more than two years now. I have only had the time and capacity to work on it over three periods of some days each. This time, it’s been eight days so far, and it may be a few more.

FRIDAY JUNE 19

HOW USEFUL IS THE PLANT DATABASE?

How useful is the plant database? It’s quite useful in a limited sense. It has a good number of plants – 260 so far. It has a good interface. It has a lot of lists and filters. It has a good details page. It has references to reliable sources.

On the other hand, it’s also not so useful. It can be difficult to get certain plants, especially locally adapted. It’s often more a matter of getting your hands on a plant, and using it. Also, it won’t get more people to do regeneration or create food forests. It’s for the people already doing it.

Today, I created the dark mode (was surprisingly quick), corrected some plant info, and am reorganizing, refining, and adding some lists. In the evening, I worked on a mobile layout which turned out to be more complicated.

GIVING IT ALL TO THE DIVINE

I keep giving it all – my life, my circumstances, any sense of I or doer – to the divine. It already belongs to the divine, so it’s just an acknowledgement of how it already is. It’s mostly a reminder to myself. To the divine here, operating partly through and as this psyche.

SATURDAY JUNE 20

DREAM 1: WORKING WITH ALIENS

Humans and aliens are working together on some kind of project, and I am one of those working on it. I get into some trouble because I am too independent and followed my own judgment, but it is OK. I am good at what I do, and very few if any can do the same. I am needed. This is a time when there is open cooperation between aliens and humans, and the project is for the good of all life and Earth as a whole.

I can find two day residues, things from my waking life reflected in these dreams: (a) Watching Disclosure Day a few days ago, which is about large scale open contact with aliens. And (b) using AI as an assistant to develop the plant database. The AI is and feels kind of alien, although human created.

When I explore the alien side of it, it is in a sense anything not human. That includes consciousness. What I am is not human. It forms itself into the human, and itself is something else.

DREAM 2: TRICKED INTO ILLEGAL WORK

I get tricked into some illegal scam operation with mobile phones. It’s sophisticated, efficient, and ruthless. I didn’t know what it was until it was too late. I planned to escape, but they know too much about me (for me to escape) and I know too much about them (for them to let me go).

Day residue: Reading something about the many scams out there, including sophisticated ones.

Both of these dreams are about my (and our) relationship with technology, AI, and alien intelligence. In the first, it’s a life-centered relationship. In the second, a destructive relationship.

That too reflects my waking life noticings around this. I use AI to create a plant database in service of reforestation, regeneration, and creating food forests. At the same time, I am very aware of the many questionable and sometimes destructive aspects of AI – for ecosystems, society, and us as individuals.

THE DAY

I got up early and cleaned to apartment a bit. I keep it clean so it’s easy.

Jonas and L. is in Oslo briefly from Bergen so they came by. We went for a walk along the river and then a café visit.

PLANT DATABASE

I continued working on the plant database until late evening. I finished the mobile layout, refined the desktop layout (top menu bar), and did some database checks and cleanups. It’s getting closer to a place where I can share it with a few people for review.

It is created with an AI assistant and I don’t feel good about that. At the same time, I wouldn’t have been able to do it otherwise. So in this case, it’s either nothing or a useful (hopefully) database created with assistance from AI.

SUMMER SOLSTICE

I felt a little sad/nostalgic since it’s midsummer day / summer solstice, which is an important day in Norway which I love. I remember celebrating it with family, partners, and friends in the past. I love being on the coast that day.

Since returning from the UK, I have been more of a hermit. It’s OK and it somehow feels right and maybe needed, and I am starting to want a little more social connections again.

SUNDAY JUNE 21

A MIX

I woke up with a familiar mix of noticings – discomfort, distress, old contractions, and also a bliss in the midst of it all. I give it all to the divine, which is where it belongs – and all there is.

Thoughts connect the distress with my own trauma and wounds, and also what’s going on in the world – the destruction of nature and people misdiagnosing, deceiving themselves, and caught up in distractions. This too is more of a noticing than going into it.

I am asking the divine to help me shift into a more visceral sense of it all as the divine and the unfolding and exploration of the divine. That’s already here, and I wish for it to infuse it all more deeply.

PLANT DATABASE

I continue to refine the plant database. It’s close to a version I would be comfortable sharing with others who can give feedback and corrections. It has dark mode and mobile layout, and I have been auditing the database itself and updated and refined the info for the 257 plants there, using both international and Colombian sources.

IMAGE EDITING SOFTWARE

This has given me the idea of creating my own photo editing software, based on whatever modules are out there for RAW processing, AI assisted denoise and upscaling, and so on. I am not sure if I’ll do it, but it’s possible.

I have used Photoshop and Lightroom up until now, but I don’t like their subscription model. I’ll need to get more familiar with alternatives. And I may develop something on my own if that makes sense.

MONDAY JUNE 22

I dedicated the day to finish the plant database interface, and got pretty close. Both the desktop and mobile views look and function well. There is still room for improvement, although I may let it rest for a while. (In the evening, I did notice that some of the fields need editing for tone and wording, so that’s maybe the next phase.)

The database has about 260 plants, the same number of fields for each plant, and the information is gathered from the best international and regional sources I could find online. I have created maybe 30-40 lists, and there are also many filters to sort the plants. It has a public face and a private face for us. The screenshot is from the private face.

There is a little “copy all lists” button there for helping to review the output of the lists. That will be removed when it’s ready to go more public.

TUESDAY JUNE 23

COLD?

Coughed night and woke up with a cold or similar. Stayed in bed a little longer than usual to give my body extra rest. I am also channeling (Vortex Healing) for the infection.

GRUMPY AND GETTING THINGS DONE

I am feeling a little grumpy this morning, and take the opportunity to get some things done – especially the things my personality doesn’t like so much. I looked at my taxes, and need to check if what I already paid covers it all. I am also ordering a part for the row boat at the cabin, which brings up some discomfort since that has been an ordeal in the past. (Got told the wrong parts number at some point which led to a long process.)

If I feel good, I tend to avoid tasks that may bring down my mood! So when I already am grumpy, that’s the perfect time to do those particular tasks! It’s probably not the most optimal approach, but it works.

Sometimes, I work with what’s here. Sometimes, I explore finding healing for how I relate to it. And sometimes, I invite healing for the issue itself.

In this case, and today, I just work with what’s here.

MIGRATING AND SETTING UP A WEBSITE

One of the tasks that’s been on my list for a while is to migrate and set up A’s website. It took a while but it works well now. It feels good to clear out my to-do list and also to get something to work well.

WEDNESDAY JUNE 24

I did a few things this morning, mostly fixing a few last things with A’s website. Then I felt much worse and have been horizontal for most of the day, apart from making some simple food (gnocchi with salad etc.).

SUMMER & ILLNESS THE LAST TEN YEARS

The summer ten years ago, I got Lyme disease in Southern California. The doctor there did give me antibiotics but it was far too short, which I also knew at the time. For the next few years, treatments at a specialist clinic in Gdansk and Vortex Healing helped me get much better in periods, but it would always come back in the summer. The CFS virus – likely Epstein-Barr – would also come back in the summer. About 5-6 years ago, I was able to get rid of both through Vortex Healing. A senior student did frequent sessions over several days, and several senior VH teachers also did something that seemed to work for good.

Since the, other things have happened in the middle of summer, usually around summer solstice. It’s been covid, almost dying of sepsis, having my nerves in my neck seriously pinched from someone using a massager on me there against my protests (I knew how dangerous it can be), and more.

This year, I again got sick shortly after summer solstice. I feel pretty terrible with fever, aches, headache, nausea, dizziness, and strong discomfort through my body. I am wearing wool socks, winter hat, and lie under a thick wool blanket, and I am still freezing – in spite of it being a warm summer day (about 24 degrees I think). Most likely, it will be fine, but it is a reminder of what’s been happening around summer solstice for ten years now.

Why this pattern? I am not sure. I deeply love Norwegian summers. As a child, I also loved summers since I could chose my friends to be with. The rest of the year, I had to spend time with the bullies at school. Maybe there is a connection? As soon as the summer wanes, something in me may be reminded of my social life at school which was mostly terrible.

THURSDAY JUNE 25

COMPUTER MAINTENANCE

Like yesterday, I felt slightly better in the morning so I did some maintenance on my MacBook, mostly freeing up space and installing a new OS update. I was able to free up almost 200GB (!) of space, mostly by deleting instruments I am not using right now and setting the Photos app to download only small versions of images from the cloud. I never use the Photos app so I didn’t even realize it had been syncing / downloading images from my phone. It explains why I kept running out of space.

It feels good to do this kind of work. I was able to free up space for my website in a similar way two-three weeks ago.

SICK

I had about two good hours in the morning, and was horizontal in the afternoon.

I contacted NW, a senior Vortex Healing practitioner, and he gave me a session for the infection late afternoon. I felt much better, although will still take it easy. He’ll keep on doing shortish sessions until the bug is completely gone. The VH infection protocol can be amazingly effective.

FRIDAY JUNE 26

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT IT IS THAT IT WILL PASS **

I have had a lot of discomfort off and on over the last few days, and especially last night. I notice that what I love about it is that it will pass.

I also notice that what I am is not touched by it. What I am – this awakeness – forms itself into it as it forms itself into this whole field of experience. Including whatever labels I put on it or however my personality reacts to it and the I – whatever that I refers to – and personality too. What I am is not touched by any of it. And that doesn’t mean there isn’t discomfort, pain, aches, and so on, and sometimes it’s strong. That’s here too.

I think NW did three or more 15-minute sessions yesterday, and I did feel much better after each one, but I suspect the bugs are persistent and good at bouncing back. He’s in the US North-West so he is not up yet as I write this. I may have to wait 2-3 more hours before he is up and ready to continue.

That’s OK too. It will pass. What I really am isn’t touched by it.

And a part of me is not OK with it. That’s OK. It’s very understandable. We are mammals and don’t like discomfort and illness. Our bodymind is programmed over innumerable generations, likely going back to our very first ancestors at the beginning of Earth life, to not enjoy it and want it to go away.

UPDATE

I felt better, got up and made some food, and received a message from NW saying he had done another round. It’s pretty clear that each of those rounds reduces the viral load, and also that they rebound.

I had the last chili (frozen in portions a couple of weeks ago) mixed with the last of the delicious store-bought “homemade” pasta. Not much food here, but I don’t have much appetite, and I should be able to get through tomorrow with the little that’s left.

Living alone, with no friends in the area, is a reminder of how much we rely on each other. I don’t have anyone here to help me with shopping or other things. Hopefully, I’ll feel better tomorrow so I’ll be able to go to the grocery store. It’s only a two minute walk from here.

Of course, we are fully dependent on humanity and all of life for our own existence.

SATURDAY JUNE 27

The night was a bit of a struggle again – discomfort, waking up a lot, restless sleep. I didn’t feel great when I woke up, but did take a shower and felt a little better. I remember my mum told me, when I was a kid, that taking a shower helps when we are sick, and that’s true.

LIFE REVIEW / EXISTENTIAL PONDERINGS

Maybe also because I am sick, any reliance on feeling good – and holding onto it to feel better about myself and my life – is softening.

In my case, it means that I have ponderings about not having made much out of my many gifts and opportunities, some that were extraordinary. There is still some pain around it.

ARCHIVES / BEING SERIOUS ABOUT IT

I have been going through my archives the last few weeks – both on this website and my old photos. I am wondering why, since I never made that much out of it.

On my blog, I have written many articles, often revisiting familiar topics and themes. It means that there is not one main article for each topic, although that would make more sense.

In my photography, I have never been really serious about it. I have had a decent amateur camera, and I also see that a good deal of my favorite photos were taken on my phone – just because I happened to be in the right place at the right time.

For instance, I like the photo above, which was just a phone snapshot from when I was wandering around in New York in 2019 or so.

So why upgrade my camera equipment, as I have been thinking of doing? One answer is that it will allow me to take better macro and tele photos, and I enjoy both.

BEING MORE SERIOUS ABOUT PHOTOGRAPHY (?)

Taking interesting photos is still a matter of being in the right place at the right time, and that’s partly an accident and partly something I can seek out and set up.

For instance, I like taking photos just before dawn and just after dusk, and also when it’s misty and foggy, and that’s something I can seek out. And I can, of course, also seek out places that are more likely to have something interesting to me. I know that when I am new to a place, it’s often more fascinating to me, and many of my more interesting photos are from then, so that’s something I can take advantage of.

Another way to be more serious about it is to put a little more effort and attention into each image. With digital photography, it’s easy to get into snapshot mode, and sometimes good things come out of it. And it’s also good to focus on it at times, and put a little more effort into the angle, composition, and so on.

I can also set myself tasks, which I notice I feel excited about.

I wrote more about this in a separate article.

SUNDAY JUNE 28

VIRAL LOAD

I felt better for some hours during the day yesterday, and then much worse in the late afternoon, evening, and during most of the night. WH is still channeling for me, off and on, and said that the viral load seemed to have gone up yesterday. I had trouble falling asleep because of the discomfort and coughing, but did get some sleep after 3am. I have had periods off and on where I have been unable to swallow, and had to spit out saliva instead of swallowing. Last night, I also had a moment where I couldn’t breath and had to sit up and cough before being able to breathe again.

It makes me a little concerned. Also because I am here on my own.

A COOL PLACE

I am in a west-facing apartment next to the forest in Oslo, and it’s unsurprisingly quite cool considering the moderate heat wave we have had over the last few days. Facing away from the sun helps, as does the forest.

I also keep doors/windows open during the night to cool the apartment, which also makes a difference.

I have been at the cabin in Østmarka many times when people in towns and cities complain about the heat, and I have been very comfortable there – surrounded my vegetation, in a log/wood cabin, near a lake, and without any surfaces that heat up from the sun.

WHY DIDN’T I STAY WITH ZEN?

I loved living at the Zen center in Salt Lake City in the ’90s. The only reason I left was because staying in SLC was not an option for my wife. (She told me the day after our wedding.) If I had stayed, I imagine I would have continued.

And I did continue, only with other teachers – some in the same lineage and also a couple of local groups and teachers in Eugene, Oregon, when I lived there.

I also continued with Adyashanti, who was in the same lineage and was asked to teach by his teacher, a dharma sister of my teacher.

There is another answer, and that is that I am interested in what Zen is about, not Zen itself. I have gone deep in other explorations, including different forms of inquiry and traditional Buddhist sense field inquiries and have had a daily exploration of these for years.

There is yet another answer, and that is that staying within one tradition, and especially with one teacher, comes with an expectation of becoming a senior student, taking on responsibilities, and eventually becoming a teacher. Too much in me doesn’t want that. I feel I have too much of my own trauma.

Also, because of that trauma, I imagine I won’t be very good at it, I really don’t like attention or expectations, and I tell myself that there seems to be others who are able to accept that role, and may even enjoy it, so there seems to be little or no need for me.

For the same reason, I have perfected the art of hiding, downplaying, and not expressing my own insights or noticings when in these kinds of groups.

Without this trauma, would I have continued in one tradition and possibly started teaching at some point? It’s difficult to say. I am not drawn to the responsibilities that come with it, or being treated differently because of a role, or being the object of projections. But it would be nice to share, and it would give me an opportunity to go deeper.

MONDAY JUNE 29

SICK

I had another challenging night, this time including strong pain in my right ear.

Turns out I have three options: (a) Go to my regular doctor in Ski. This means a long journey for me since I am not there these days. (b) Go to the emergency room in Oslo. This is not really what my condition calls for. (c) Get a private doctor. This is easier but costs more.

Out of kindness to myself, I made an appointment with a private doctor to visit me here. I think it’s the first home visit I have had since I was eight or ten. She gave me a prescription for antibiotics for the ear infection. My body had a relatively strong reaction to even going the short distance to the pharmacy, so it was good I chose to be visited.

DREAM: REPLACING OUTDATED PROGRAMMING

I have not been able to sleep much the last few days because of the discomfort, but I did take a nap in the afternoon. I had fragmented dreams of going through code and replacing and updating where needed. From waking life, this reflects my work on the plant database before I got sick, and also some cleaning and updates I did for my laptop. I wouldn’t mind if a parallel process is happening with me.

TUESDAY JUNE 30

THE NIGHT – COUGHING & COVID?

I had another rough night, this time with a lot of coughing and sometimes constricted airways. It makes it difficult to breathe at times. I started the antibiotics yesterday, with an initial double dose, and the ear infection seems slightly milder.

As for the main infection, I think it may be Covid. When I have had flu in the past, the Vortex Healing infection protocol has been effective. This time, poor NW has done several rounds of infection protocol daily since day two or three, and the viral load is about the same as when we started. That’s more typical for Covid which – from the perspective of working on it with Vortex Healing – doesn’t work like other viruses.

SLEEPING ON THE SOFA

I have started sleeping on the sofa in the middle of the living room. My bed is next to the room where the neighbors have a baby. I don’t hear the baby at all, but I definitely hear the adults through the night. One or both of them are not very careful when closing the door, and they often bump into the wall right where I sleep, so I am woken up through the night there.

A part of me wants to go into thoughts about “how can they be so careless?”, “why do they slam the door when the baby is in the room?”, “how is it possible to bump the wall so loudly and so frequently?”. And yet, it doesn’t help. It’s better to just see that that’s how they are for now.

NOT JUST THE SOUNDS BUT THE VISCERAL ASSOCIATION

I think it’s just him, if I am honest. Sometimes, I hear an enormous amount of commotion that makes everything shake, it lasts for a while, and then he leaves their apartment. He may just be that kind of person.

I think it’s stressful partly because it reminds me of my brother and the stressful dynamic between my parents and in my birth family. My brother absorbed it and expressed it in that way – through a lot of noise, fast careless movements, and so on.

I went the other direction, to being – some would say overly – quiet.

WEDNESDAY JULY 1

It’s already July. It’s been an unusual summer for me.

I am at my friend’s apartment at the edge of the forest in Kjelsås, on my own since she is with her mum in France. It’s been quiet. I have had time to catch up with some projects. I have been much less social than I expected or planned.

FEEL LIGHTER / IMPACT ON ILLNESS ON OUR OUTLOOK

In the late afternoon yesterday, I started feeling better and NW later said he had done a couple of more rounds for me. It feels like the virus is finally leaving my system. I coughed a lot last night, but feel a little lighter and more optimistic.

It’s interesting how much illness can influence the mind, and it’s not surprising. As humans, we are a bodymind. We are not a body with a mind, or a mind with a body.

Or, said from the perspective of the parts, what happens with one has, at the very least, some impact on the other, and the connections are likely innumerable. What science has found so far is just the very tip of the iceberg.

UNABLE TO DO MUCH

NW couldn’t find any more virus in my system yesterday. I feel lighter, but not much better. Still one of the worst coughs I think I have ever experienced, including with constricted airways and trouble breathing at times. I am also very tired and need to rest most of the time, and have strong brain fog which makes it more difficult to do anything.

THURSDAY JULY 2

RESTING

Resting today, apart from going to the local pharmacy to get cough syrup. (Had to abort my first attempt since I coughed so much on the way I had to turn back…!). It’s a pretty extreme cough.

SESSION

A. gave me a VH session for energization, and I feel more like myself after. I am also able to do a few things. The cough syrup also seems to help so I don’t have the terrible dry cough I had before.

FRIDAY JULY 3 / SATURDAY JULY 4

I felt a little better Friday and rested and slept a lot. I didn’t sleep very well when the flu was stronger.

PLANT DATABASE TEXT

On Saturday, I decided to do some text clean-up for the plant database. It’s challenging to get ChatGPT to use the right tone. In this case, I want a clear and direct language that’s grounded in the best info found in reliable sources. It tends to either make it overly academic sounding (often, by using big words as someone not very bright may use to try to sound smarter) or too sales-pitchy or AI flowery. I don’t know why a clear, direct, and informed language should be so difficult.

SUNDAY JULY 5 / MONDAY JULY 6

I am still at the tail end of the flu so not that much is happening these days apart from resting, recovering, and doing a few small things at home.

Sunday, I refined some text in the plant database. It’s at the “OK for now” stage but not where I would like it to be. I also do some other small projects that have been on my list for a while. I did watch some of the game between Norway and Brazil in the evening.

I like that the Norwegian coach wears jeans and t-shirt. It seems ridiculous with the designer suit trend among some football people. It seems like a slightly desperate and pitiful attempt at elevating themselves. (Similar to people trying to appear smart by using big words.)

It’s Monday and my ear infection doesn’t seem much better, and I am on my last day of antibiotics, so I may have to see a doctor again. This is challenging since I am far away from my regular doctor.

I ironically needed up going to Ski to pick up a used tripod. I enjoyed the trip, but I also got much worse after I came home. My coughing was pretty terrible again in the evening and during the night.

TUESDAY JULY 7 / WEDNESDAY JULY 8

Still a lot of coughing and not feeling very well.

I refined the plant database – added bark/stem descriptions, did an overall review of the database, and cleaned up some smaller hiccups.

I also looked at more photographers, including the brilliant Masahisa Fukase.

DIDN’T EVOLVE SO MUCH

Looking at my own photos over time, I see that I haven’t really evolved that much beyond where I was in my teens and early twenties. Some of my best photos are still from that time, especially the ones from Yellowstone, Southern Utah, and Nepal.

I feel that’s the case with my life in general. I haven’t evolved much beyond where I was at that time.

That’s partly because of the enormous influx of inspiration and insights that came with the oneness shift when I was sixteen and for many years after. I am still dealing with that, in many ways. I am still digesting.

It’s partly because my life got massively derailed when I went against my clear inner guidance, married for the first time, and left just about everything that was important in my life. I left the path I was on, which felt profoundly right. I have not recovered from that derailment.

It’s partly because of my very human issues – not enough, unlovable, not wanting to be seen and so on.

I have largely coasted on the flying start I had in many areas of life. And that’s not satisfying in the long run.

In photography, I want to get more serious. I want to see if I can go beyond familiar territory and lift the quality a bit.

I have put in quite a bit of work in meditation, inquiry, and so on, but also here, I have coasted compared to what I wanted. I wanted to continue with my residential Zen training, and that was one of the many things derailed when I was twenty seven or so.

I have obviously learned some skills since my teens or twenties, but I haven’t put them much to test in work because of my chronic illness. I have not received the kind of real-work feedback and maturing that ongoing work in the world gives you.

Also, in one sense I did get derailed when I went against a clear inner guidance on major life decisions, and it did have a huge and often terrible impact on my life. In another sense, it’s not possible to derail. This is all life unfolding. My life is a local and temporary expression of life and existence as a whole. This too is life expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways. It’s all true at the same time.

THURSDAY JULY 9 / FRIDAY JULY 10

It’s getting close to three weeks now with the flu and I am still quite sick and unable to do much. I did explore redesigning this website Thursday, mostly the front page to have more of a magazine style layout.

ONGOING MILD EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

I think my whole life since childhood has been an ongoing mild existential crisis.

These days, it’s around having had a flying start early in life, and not making so much out of it. Of course, my chronic illness is part of that, combined with some wounds and issues (unlovable, not enough, not wanting to be visible, and so on), and also the immense download of insights and inspiration in my teens which I feel I am still dealing with and digesting.

I feel my life remains on the sketch stage. I explore things with passion, and don’t bring it to a more mature stage. I stop just as I see that I can do it well with a little more seriousness. That’s how it’s been with art, photography, bodywork, inquiry, meditation, the awakening process, and much more.

Not wanting to be visible is a big part of it. Viscerally, it feels deeply unsafe to be visible. That comes from ongoing childhood experiences in my family and at school. As with just about everything else, I have been aware of this since my teens and being aware of something doesn’t’ mean it changes in how it’s lived.

HIDING, UNLOVABLE, NOT ENOUGH

I did some healing for wanting to hide in the evening, with Angelic Heart (Vortex Healing). As soon as I bring my attention into that, other related wounds come up – especially being unlovable and not enough.

I notice those issues just walking outside to go to the grocery store. I feel the world is for everyone else and not me. There is no space for me in the world. I am not wanted or welcome. It’s better for the world if I hide and am not visible.

NOT SOCIAL

I think that’s also why I have not been very social this summer. I would love to be with others, but I feel I am not enough, not loved/lovable, and won’t be welcome. I met with one friend briefly several weeks ago, and also one cousin for an equally brief time. That’s the extent of my social life since mid-May.

SATURDAY JULY 11

DREAM

I am in a group led by EO. It’s an artistic group within the Zen community she is active in. They want me to join, and I said I would join only on the condition that I would be a visitor and an observer or helper. I didn’t feel I would fit, be welcome, or be able to contribute much.

We pull beans and anytime anyone gets three or six, they need to say something for each bean. I end up with six beans.

I say: “Lesson one, if I really don’t want to do something, I usually end up having to do it.” Most were briefly gone and return, so I say: “Lesson one and a half, if not everyone heard, repeat.” I repeated lesson one.

I woke up at this point, and continued in active imagination: “Lesson two, if you don’t know what to say, say that. It’s easier meeting honest and I like it more, and others often like it more. Lesson three, doing art in hard. To get better, you have to be a beginner, honest, and humbled, and you need to keep going. Lesson four, doing art is easy. It’s following your passion and what fascinates you. Lesson five, it’s not satisfying to hide. Being visible is terrifying and more satisfying. Lesson six, there are only five lessons. Don’t push yourself if you don’t have something real to say.

This dream likely reflects that I worked on wanting to be invisible the evening before. My strategy is to hide and be invisible since I learned in childhood – in my family and school – that it was dangerous to be visible. It connects with feeling unlovable and not enough, and also feeling unwanted. That’s why I didn’t want to join the group unless I could be an outsider and visitor.

When I got put in the situation of saying something, a part of me did enjoy it. It was fun to make up something to share that was also honest and maybe had something for me or someone else.

It also reflects my exploration of photographers yesterday, and wanting to be just a little more “serious” about my photography, although serious is not the right word. I just want to see what’s in me.

And the dream reflects my visit to Liverpool / Lake District and this Zen group in early May. Even if it was just a brief visit, I miss that kind of community. It seemed supportive.

SICK

It’s a beautiful summer, and I am unable to go out apart from occasional brief visits to the local grocery store which is 3-4 minutes away. Likely because of my chronic illness (CFS/ME), I am usually hit harder than others by infections. Still, this year has been unusual. I was sick for two months in India, and now it’s been three weeks with the flu and I am not doing much better.

SUNDAY JULY 12

ATTENTION TO MY OWN LIFE

I feel I mostly attentive to my own life these days, and it makes sense. Both my parents died within the last year, my childhood home was sold, I went through a lot of my own old things and things from my parents, I am not sure what’s happening in my own marriage, the situation in Barichara is somewhat uncertain and challenging, my health is not very good, and so on.

Also, I am mostly alone these days and unable to work or be very social due to my health. All of that tends to bring attention to what’s here. As someone said, CFS/ME is the modern version of monasticism.

In general, it’s a time to take an inventory of my life – of what has been and patterns there, what’s here now, and where it may go and where I would like it to go.

A MONTH IN THE COUNTRY

I finished the audiobook version of A month in the country by JL Carr. I had high expectations for it based on what I had read, and enjoyed it well enough. (I wonder if I had enjoyed it more if the narration had been a better match for me. It was a little too muffled and mumbling.) As in any good story, I recognized a lot of myself in it.

In this case, it was about a young man dealing with his wounds (the Great War), restoring an old painting in a church in the idyllic English countryside, with a challenging marriage, a friendship with another wanderer, some romance and wonderings of what could have been, the special feeling summer creates, and so on. Just like life, it’s a mix of beauty, enjoyment, meaning, loss, wounds, nostalgia, friendship, hope, and everything else.

It also reminded me of my own brush with painting restoration. In my early twenties, I studied history of art full time for a year at University of Oslo while also painting and drawing. I wanted to study painting restoration, got to know people doing that type of work in Oslo, went to a conference in Hamar, and was all set and had made sure I had the right qualification, and yet it didn’t materialize since they were moving the training to the university and they didn’t accept new students for a few yeas. As so often, the timing didn’t quite work out and I moved on. In this case, to study psychology instead which was another of my passions.

INFECTION

I feel much worse. It seems that the ear infection has spread to the mouth and face. The doctor last week gave me only a five day antibiotics treatment which doesn’t work for me. It’a always too short and the infection rebounds after the five days. It’s challenging since I am relatively far away from my doctor in Norway, and I don’t have energy to go to the emergency room. The alternative is a private doctor that comes here, but that’s expensive – three days income for me. I may have to do it anyway.

It starts feeling the way it did when I got sepsis three (?) summers ago. I took it seriously then too, and was on antibiotics, but it was the wrong type and not for enough days.

MONDAY JULY 13

SYNCHRONICITY

When Sam Neill’s autobiography came out a couple of years ago, I downloaded it to my audiobook app, but I didn’t listen to it. For whatever reason, last night, I finally started listening to it. And this morning, I woke up to the news that he died yesterday. It’s an interesting synchronicity.

I started following him on social media during the pandemic, and he seemed like a good and normal man, and intriguing enough for me to want to listen to his autobiography as some likely light and interesting listening.

I call it synchronicity since it’s a neutral term. It just means a meaningful coincidence. Privately, I wonder if not something else happened. Something in me may have sensed something going on with him, which moved me to start listening to his autobiography.

HOW & WHY I WRITE HERE

Why do I write here? It’s mostly a way to think out loud. I don’t know that many interested in these topics, although it would be more rewarding to talk with someone else.

More importantly, there is always something universal in personal experiences. What I write about here is not just about me, it’s about human experience. It’s what humans can and do experience.

HOME VISIT

The same doctor who came two weeks ago came again. I can’t really get out to the doctor’s office, so I am happy for the home visits, even if it’s private and expensive for me. She didn’t seem to happy about my condition, and she fortunately understands that with CFS/ME, infections usually hit a lot harder than for most people. She gave me a different and longer antibiotics cure this time.

TUESDAY JULY 14

Another challenging night with a lot of intense coughing and sometimes difficulty breathing, and I feel worse than yesterday.

EXPLORATIONS

Although I don’t mention it in all entries here, I use VH regularly, notice headlessness, and so on. I use VH mostly for energization and optimization these days, and also some infection work. I have also used Angelic Heart and Vortex Therapy for central issues in my life, including wanting to be invisible, feeling unlovable, and so on. I also bring attention into the middle of it, stay there, and intend for it to reorganize / wake up etc.

EYE FOCUS AND CFS/ME

I am extra fatigued now after more than three weeks of the flu and an ear infection, and there is one of many familiar expressions of this: I have trouble focusing my eyes and seeing clearly. I have heard from others with CFS/ME that they too experience the same.

NEW CAMERA

I received my new camera this evening – a Nikon Z6III.

This is one of the first photos I took with it, with the 105mm macro lens. I think we may get along well.

The image is unedited and directly from the camera. In this uploaded version, I see some artifacts since it’s a compressed jpeg.

WEDNESDAY JULY 15

NIGHT PHOTOGRAPHY

I went out just after midnight last night, after some rest, to get familiar with my new camera and the 40mm lens. It was fun, and I did learn – and remember! – a lot. I noticed I fell into some old snapshot habits which I had hoped to avoid. Also, as much as I love night photography, it does wreak havoc on my sleep schedule, especially in the summer in Norway! Because of the light nights, I need to make use of the darkest time which is after midnight for a couple of hours.

The images are unedited out of the camera. I also did some long exposure experiments of the river, although they need more editing.

EXHAUSTED FROM LAST YEAR

I was sick for two months in India with something very similar to what I have now – flu symptoms, consistent coughing, additional bacterial infections (then lungs, now ear), and so on. This time, I am getting up to four weeks of being sick.

My system may be very drained from last year – with my mother dying, my parents house being sold, divorce, the roof collapse situation, and so on.

The previous fall (November 2024), the roof of our small house in Barichara collapsed while we were sleeping. The huge beams and the roof tiles crashed down next to us and could easily have killed us. I still have PTSD from it. The architects and builder immediately refused any responsibility, and any talk of any possibility that they could have responsibility. That continued even after a third-party report by an architect and engineers found a responsibility of both the architects and the builder. Last year, the architects sued both my wife and I separately for defamation, which in itself was stressful.

In addition, my father and brother pushed to sell my parents’ house quickly, even if there was no good reason for it. I was alone in cleaning out the house and a lifetime of books (many thousands), art, ceramics, clothes, and so on. My brother had cancer so he couldn’t help. I have CFS so that extreme pressure alone was almost too much for me, and especially feeling that my father and brother pushed me into an impossible situation.

The situation with my brother came on top of this. We are very different – he is very conservative, a climate change denier, and so on, and likes to bring up those topics at any opportunity. And any time he was supposed to help with something small, he was able to make the situation extremely complicated and/or damage exactly what was most important to me. There is an endless amount of examples of this. Including that he insisted of taking my mother’s gold jewelry which she had given us for safekeeping, and put it openly in my mother’s room at the nursing home. Predictably, it was immediately stolen. It was valued at about 20,000 euros, and had immense sentimental and artistic value since most of it was hand made by jewelers. He refused to report it or do anything about it.

The sale of the house was also stressful, apart from that it was pushed and put me in an impossible situation. Ten years ago, the municipality made a mistake and put new sewage lines far into my parents’ property. This went against a written agreement saying that it should have been placed along the border with the neighbor. This made 500m2 of their property unusuable for building and reduced the value of the property with about 200,000 euros. I was in contact with lawyers right away – and also before selling the house – who said we had a very strong case, and would likely receive a settlement offer long before any court case. My father completely refused to cooperate in this process. He said he never wanted anything to do with lawyers. That meant that the property was sold for far less than it should have been.

These are just a few of the things happening last year, in addition to my mother dying, divorce process, and so on. My father died in April of this year. Right now, I am kind of homeless and staying with a friend in Oslo. I’ll need to go back to the land in the Andes at some point, although I don’t really have a place to live there. And I am concerned about the heat, and the increasing costs of everything there too.

THURSDAY JULY 16

I had fragmented dreams, including of meeting a woman at a festival who was interested in me but it was unclear where it would go. I think the fragmentation reflects what has come up from working on core issues some days ago – unlovable, not wanting to be seen, etc. I may need some rest from that and everything else. I also suspect I got sick so I can rest, instead of going into all kinds of inner and outer projects as is my tendency. My sleep is fragmented too, mainly from the intense coughing that comes and goes.

FOCUS STACKING

My first experiment with focus merging which wasn’t automated on my old camera. This is the unedited result. It seems almost hyperrealistic with all parts of the flower in focus and the blurred background. It’s not something we see with our eyes or normal photography. In editing, I would likely soften parts of the plant, especially some edges.

A quick B&W edit. It has potential but needs a lot more attention – including dodging, burning, lifting out texture, and so on. It won’t be remarkable but it’s an interesting study for exploring and learning.

FRIDAY JULY 17

WHO & WHAT

I woke up feeling pretty awful again, as I have since I got the flu almost four weeks ago. Still coughing, sore throat, ear infection (not sure if the antibiotics are helping), extra fatigued, strong brain fog, and generally feeling sick and unwell.

At the same time, it’s also clear that this is all happening within and as this awake space that’s all and any sense of a me, I, doer, observer, or someone being sick or can have any label happens within and as.

IT’S ALL, IT’S NOT “ME”

That seems to be a better way to phrase it. This awake space is all, and any experience – any content of experience, the wider world, this human self, any sense of me, I, doer, observer, anything that can have any label – happens within and as this awake space.

In a sense, this awake space is what I fundamentally am, and yet it’s not a me or I or anything else.

It’s just all. Nothing is not it. As soon as something appears, it’s made of this awake space.

OATMEAL BREAKFAST

These days, I seem to often have oatmeal breakfast. I love oatmeal and usually cook it with coconut flakes and some fruit, seeds, and/or nuts, with berries and cinnamon on top. I also like it soft but not runny. Today, I made it with coconut flakes, mango pieces, seed mix, a few walnuts, and blueberries and cinnamon on top.

BILL EVANS

My father loved jazz and would often listen to it while working with architecture projects or painting. After he died in April, I have listened a lot to classic jazz. These days, I listen to the Bill Evans playlists on Spotify.

DIGITAL DARKROOM EXPLORATIONS

This is the initial focus merging experiment image. I continued exploring it a bit in Affinity with cropping so the more interesting area is highlighted, and “dodged and burned” using curves and texture layers with inverted mask and then painted in light, dark, and texture. Some of the technical imperfection of the focus stacking process are there, but otherwise it’s OK. At least, I learned quite a bit from it.

The main limitation of this image is the original. It was just the first I saw to test focus stacking, and I didn’t choose it because it was an amazing subject. The light is flat, and the composition is slightly chaotic and not as clear as I would like.

SATURDAY JULY 18, 2026

RAIN

I love waking up to the sound of rain and thunder in the distance. Everything cools down, the humid air feels gentle and soft, and it’s quiet.

As I write this, I notice Spotify plays “Here’s that rainy day” by Bill Evans.

SUNDAY JULY 19 2026

STILL SICK

I felt pretty awful yesterday afternoon and evening and rested/slept most of the time. I am confused by this flu and how it fluctuates. I am better for a couple of days and think I am getting over it, and then it hits me again. It’s very similar to the two months I was sick in India last winter. This one has lasted a month already. That’s almost half of this year with flu-like symptoms and associated bacterial infections (lungs, ears).

CLEANING, RESTING

I did some vacuuming this morning which took all my energy. This afternoon, I did a little photo editing – just normal color night photos this time.

MONDAY JULY 20, 2026

I woke up feeling better so that’s a good sign, although I am not sure if I can quite trust it since I have had several days where I felt better and then worse again. Mostly resting and doing a few practical things today.

I seem to be on a 2 1/2 month cycle these days. This winter, I was in India (Amritapuri) for that length of time, then London (Limehouse) for about the same, and then in Oslo (Frysja) in an apartment of my own for that time. Tonight, my friend I am staying with is returning from 2 1/2 months in France. I can still stay here, although I also need to go to the cabin this summer so that may be next.

TUESDAY JULY 21, 2026

SLEEP

I slept on the sofa for the last few weeks while I was alone in the apartment. Since my friend returned last night, I am back in my room – which shares a wall with a neighbor who does God-knows-what that involves slamming doors through the night. Sometimes, so loud that everything shakes and I wake up in panic. From sleeping through the night in peace, I slept very little last night. It’s amazing how just a small change like that can bring the experience from heaven to hell.

And, of course, it’s the mind that creates its own heaven and hell. Cats seem to sleep through almost everything, and if they wake up they go back to sleep. It’s because they likely don’t have stressful thoughts and shoulds about it. My mind has shoulds so it creates its own hell when things are not as it wants it.

WEDNESDAY JULY 22, 2026

JOURNEY TO SKI

I went to Ski this morning for dentist and doctor, and got some drops for the ear infection. The only dream I remembered when waking up was being somewhere and drinking coffee, so I went to a café and had coffee – which is very rare for me although enjoyable even if it makes my system go haywire for the rest of the day. Got a few extras for my camera (ND filter, cross-body strap) on my way back, and also stopped at Grünerløkka for a while. It was a nice day and good to be out for a change, after being sick for a month. I felt a little better today so was able to make this – for me – big journey.

THURSDAY JULY 23, 2026

NIGHT PHOTOGRAPHY

I did some night photography again around 1-2am, not very long this time. It was mostly to test the camera and different settings on the river and a waterfall. It felt uninspired and I am not sure if I got any remotely interesting images, but I’ll take a look later today.

WEATHER

Felt not so great when waking up, which I think has to do with the big journey (for me) yesterday and also the 2-3 hours of sleep I lost to the photography. (Worth it, of course.) I noticed some sadness and hopelessness in my system when waking up, and recognized it as that and that these things come and go. It will be different in minutes or hours, and already is very different when I write this (after getting up). It’s weather.

NOTICING IN THE BACKGROUND

Noticing all as space, consciousness, headlessness, and so on is always here, although it goes to the foreground or background at different moments and in different periods. Over the last month or so, it’s been more in the background and that’s fine. These are natural cycles.

SADNESS

Even if it’s different from when I woke up, I still notice some sadness in me. Thoughts connect it to a number of things and creates stories about it… I notice those images there in the background.

I didn’t feel I got any interesting images last night, so I wonder if it was worth getting the new camera and lenses. I ran into a guy at 2am on a mobility scooter who also does night photography. He talked about all the places he goes with his car to get good images, and I don’t drive because of my chronic illness and brain fog (unable to process all the traffic info quickly enough). I notice the burning passion I used to have for it is not as strong, it seems. Maybe that’s OK.

I don’t know where to go after my Oslo stay. Maybe the cabin for a while, but then I am dependent on my brother to help me and he is a disaster. Maybe the land in the Andes, but the roof is still collapsed and the whole situation is uncertain. Also, I am concerned about the super-El Niño and the heat. I don’t do well in heat due to my health condition. My body spends too much of my limited resources to deal with it.

I am concerned about money. I have a very small income, which may be ok in Latin America but definitely not Norway.

I have been a hermit since mid-May. Will I continue to be isolated, and more and more isolated? This is also due to my disability. I can’t get out very much, and social interactions take a lot of energy.

I want to do more issue-work sessions with Vortex Healing, but it seems to bring up a huge amount of old material, I get very destabilized, and it sometimes impacts my life dramatically.

When my parents were my age, forty years ago, they were far more active and engaged in life than I am. They had a full, rich, and stable life. I mostly rest, am alone, and am unable to do much.

If I had made different life choices in my twenties, would all of this be different? What if I had stayed with my first serious relationship which had everything I have ever wanted? I left because she gave me an ultimatum – get married or it’s over – and I on principle say no to ultimatums. I can see how that comes from fear and reactivity in me.

Most of the convolutions and wrinkles in my life are related to romantic issues – not staying when it feels deeply good and right, not taking initiative when we both want something more and letting it fizzle out, getting into and staying in relationships that don’t feel right, prioritizing a relationship over just about everything in my life which leads to disasters, and so on. This obviously has to do with my relationship with my mum which was always challenging. My earliest memories of her was of feeling that she saw me as a nuisance and bother. I felt much closer to my father.

These are all stories. It’s the mind worrying and wanting to keep me safe. It’s worried love. And it’s all questions about the world. It’s not how the world actually is.

At the same time, everything is good. My friend I am staying with went to her cabin for a few days so I am again on my own here. I am listening to amazing African music (Fatoumata Diawara). It’s a very pleasant and enjoyable weather. I don’t have much I really need to do right now. I have some options.

There is a noticing of how everything happens within and as this awake space. That’s all there is, taking all these forms – including what a thought calls sadness and all the images and words that go with it.

To this human self, which appears within this awake space, it’s all beautiful as that.

AWAKE SPACE?

What do I mean with awake space? It’s not anything special. It’s what – I assume – all conscious beings are to themselves. We are all consciousness to ourselves, and the world to us happens within and as that consciousness. All content of experience – including any sense of me, I, self, doer, observer etc. – happens within and as the consciousness we are to ourselves.

Awake space is just a term to point to it. It’s not very good, but other terms or words are also not very good. They all come with often unhelpful associations and baggage.

It’s very simple. It’s more familiar than anything. It’s closer than anything. It’s all we have ever known.

Any word for it is too much, and not enough, and only really helpful if you are already familiar with what it refers to in your own direct noticing.

LIFE IS LIKE A MOVIE

Life is dreamlike in that it happens within and as awake space. The consciousness we are forms itself into the full always-changing field of experience.

Life is also movie-like. The past is like watching or vaguely remembering a movie. The future is a movie playing out here and now. And even the present is like a movie playing itself out. The only difference is the stories we tell ourselves about it. With a movie, we see it as entertainment and not immediately related to us. With life, we see it as real and involving who we are.

How would it be to find the entertainment in the movie we call life? We can still aim to be good stewards of our life, and also find enjoyment in the entertainment. Just like a combination of good movies, it has suspense, drama, quiet periods, silence, social dynamics, romance, loss, grief, regret, joy, contentment, suspense, anticipation, and so on. It has all the elements of a good story just like a good story has all the elements of life.

We can also project this onto our ideas of existence as a whole. It certainly seems that the universe – existence, Spirit, Brahman – is expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways. It’s as if it’s playing out always new scenarios and scenes in an ongoing movie.

NATIONAL MUSEUM

I went to see the Asta Nørregård exhibit at the National Museum mid-day, and also spent some time walking around along the harbor and Aker Brygge, and having some ice cream in the sun. I took it as having a date with myself. There are people I could have contacted but I am still not feeling great after almost five weeks now with the flu and a very slow recovery.

The first image is from the library section of the National Museum. I went there to look at photography books, mainly Ravens, but they are closed this week for summer holidays. The second is from a bike-ice cream cart parked by the museum.

It was a quite small exhibit and I enjoyed it. It was good to learn more about a relatively important female Norwegian artist in the 1800s. She was obviously skilled although most of her work was also quite restrained and tame in a sense. It’s lacking the last 5% that makes it more remarkable and outstanding. I wonder if that was because of the view on women’s art at the time. Maybe it would be too outside the norm for her to put in that last 5%. I am pretty sure she could have.

I also enjoyed overhearing a mother explaining to her very interested daughter the painting above of the sick woman and Jesus coming to presumably heal her. Being a good Norwegian, she avoided the topic of religion and explained that they were waiting for a doctor to make her better.

FRIDAY JULY 24, 2026

AMMA’S MANTRA & THE NEED FOR CATCH-UPS

I notice that on days where I use Amma’s mantra a lot, I also need to do VH catch-up of my system for one or two days after. I sometimes forget, notice my system is getting disorganized and needs catch-ups, and then remember that I have done the mantra more than usual and make the connection.

Why does my system need catch-ups after doing the mantra? It’s likely because it works on my system even if I don’t know exactly how or what’s happening. I don’t necessarily notice old unprocessed material coming to the surface, or I may not make that connection if it does, but that may be part of it. I’ll keep an eye on that.

JEAN DE FLORETTE / MANON OF THE SPRING

I saw Jean de Florette in the movie theater today and Manon of the Spring when I came home. Both made a big impression on me for several reasons.

It reminded me of Finca Milagros and our water and decisions around what to grow. I see myself in Jean and his city-ways, calculations, and optimism. And we are doing quite a bit to collect rainwater, although we have a long way to go before we are fully self-reliant.

It reminded me of unfair and small minded interactions in rural communities. In our case, a big part of the roof of our house collapsed less than two years after it was built, a third-party report said the builder and architects were responsible, and they all denied it even before there was any discussion or examination. The architects even sued us last year as a strategy of intimidation.

It reminded me of my own lost opportunities and regrets in life, including in romantic relationships. I have more than one from early in my adult life, just like César.

It reminded me of larger collective issues around water and ecology. Where we are in the Andes, people live as if there is no tomorrow when it comes to water. The water from town is dirty and makes people sick. They don’t care for the origin of that water. They don’t plan head. They allow unlimited drilling and use of groundwater. People there cut down tress and vegetation that slows down and brings rainwater into the soil. Because of the deforestation and mismanagement, the springs, creeks, and rivers dry up and the groundwater is contaminated (from sewage and septic systems) and depleted. It’s utter insanity and very few, apart from some foreigners, take it seriously.

SATURDAY JULY 25, 2026

My friend I am staying with has been way at the cabin for a few days, I have been sleeping on the sofa in the living room, and I have been able to sleep through the night. Tonight, she is back and I’ll be back in my room – next to the weird neighbor who is slamming doors through the whole night. I am dreading it. My thoughts make me dread it.

Otherwise, went for a walk, did some cleaning and tidying up, looked at some financial decisions I need to make to try to keep myself afloat, and organized plant trades with people in Barichara. We have a relatively large nursery with several hundred plants so where others gifted us plants in the past, we are now able to do a better trade. Another cool and rainy day which I absolutely love.

I am very slowly feeling better from the five-week flu, although I also feel completely drained. I feel like a shell with nothing inside. (Energetically speaking.)

SUNDAY JULY 26

ANXIETY

Likely due to being drained from five weeks of flu, and lack of sleep last night from the door slamming through the night, I don’t feel very good and my outlook on life is not so optimistic either.

The world seems thoroughly fucked, at least for humans and most of the life here now. As so many point out, we could have close to paradise. We could have enough for everyone, including the rest of the web of life. And yet, we don’t. That’s partly due to the system, and partly due to stupidity – in the form of holding onto ideologies and identities, holding onto familiar patterns, short-sighted considerations, fallacies like assuming others will do something, and so on.

I am also not so optimistic about my own life. I have a chronic illness which puts me in bed most of the time and the strong brain fog makes most activities – including just talking with someone – very difficult. I have a very low income. The situation with the land in the Andes is very complicated. With increasing heat, I don’t know if I’ll be able to live there. My body struggles a lot when it’s hot, or even just a bit warm.

It makes sense to have anxiety about this, and I know it also taps into childhood fears, birth-family dynamics, and the trauma and wounds of each of my parents.

PHOTOS OF AMMA **

When I was on my own in this apartment, I had photos of Amma in all the spaces where I spent time. I removed them before my friend returned. After all, I don’t want to impose and she does not have much of a connection with Amma.

This also makes me imagine how others see these images. They may imagine that’s it’s an image of a guru, that I worship her as a person, hope she will solve something for me, or similar. None of that is necessarily wrong, but it’s not what it’s really about for me.

To me, the image of Amma is a reminder of all as the divine, and specifically all as the Divine Mother.

In one sense, Existence has a Divine Feminine aspect. In another, it’s all the Divine Feminine – or the Divine Masculine.

To me, having grown up in a traditionally patriarchal culture, and having had a biological mother who didn’t know how to be very nurturing, it’s natural that I am drawn to Existence as the Divine Feminine and the Divine Mother. It’s medicine for the lopsidedness of our culture and it’s medicine for me personally having grown up lacking the nurturing, acceptance, and support we all need. Some of us grow up with it and internalize it and bring it with us. Others, like me, need to work to find and internalize it. And Amma is one way to do just that.

ARTICLES

I sat on a bench by the river, by the Frysja art studios, and read some articles – a few about The Odyssey and what the new movie version simplifies and is missing, which is mostly the complexity of Odysseus who is far more complex than in the movie. Apparently, Christopher Nolan took the complexity and simplified it to a modern good guy with regrets.

I also started reading for the citizenship test in Colombia. I thought I qualified next year, but that may not be accurate. I have followed all the rules for my residency permit, but I have also been out of the country for a little more than a year, so I may have to wait another five years before I can do the citizenship test. That I was in Norway because of my parents being sick and dying may not make a difference. It was a little discouraging but may not mean much in a practical sense.

MONDAY JULY 27, 2026

MY HOUSE ON FINCA MILAGROS?

I went out to my favorite bench again and did some designs for my possible house on Finca Milagros. I have a decent design, similar to my (successful) design for the big house with a large main building, possibly 4×12 meters with a walk-in pantry and storage beyond that. It will have a three meter wide terrace to shelter for the sun. This is a quite typical traditional Barichara style with thick tapia pisada (rammed earth) walls for thermal regulation.

The main difference is the addition of a small “monk’s cell” designed to be cool and quiet. It can be completely closed off or open. (Normal buildings and rooms are typically always somewhat open to the outside in Barichara because of the climate.) The main design is for passive cooling, but it’s designed so I can add a small air-conditioning unit if that’s needed.

The initial design is OK but a little too monolithic and linear. I would like something a little more playful. One solution is to make it into three sections (main building and pantry, storage and utilities, and bedroom) and have small walkways between each of those. That will break it up and they can be offset to create variation and rhythm.

In terms of details, I am thinking of a small water feature in the main building, maybe an anthroposophical style flow form. Also, I would like to leave one wall unpainted so it shows the beautiful local red soil the walls are made of. I want niches and wood shelves built into the walls. I already have quite a bit of beautiful crafts from Colombia.

Other ideas: Build a Japanese tub out of wood where I can sit and cool off on hot days. I can fill it with rainwater which can then be used to water the plants. It would be fun to have a tower to see further out, although it should be combined with an existing structure.

I will also have a rainwater collection system. The roof surface may be 100-150m², a typical night’s rainfall is 30-50 millimeters, which gives somewhere between 3,000 and 7,000 liters water on one night. I may have a 30,000 liter tank. This water will be used for plants and possibly house use in general.

THE ADVENTURES OF HERGÉ

I found The Adventures of Hergé at Grünerløkka library the other day and read it today on the balcony. It’s a collection of episodes from George Remi’s life in the style of Tintin. I enjoyed it.

I am also reminded of how Hergé and the Astrerix creators are much more well known outside of French speaking countries than André Franquin. I have loved Franquin since I was little, and think he is a better artist. His line is far more dynamic and alive, and the stories equally or more adventurous and interesting.

MOODS & WEATHER

My mood is tied to my energy level. When I am exhausted, I tend to be a little less hopeful and have a bit more anxiety and sadness come up. When I feel better physically, I also feel better mentally.

Today, I had a simple fruit breakfast before going out, and was out for a few hours forgetting that I hadn’t had a proper breakfast. I felt fine for a while, and then had a mini-crash and went back to the apartment to eat. In this crash, I also noticed I felt less hopeful about my life in general.

It’s good to notice. Moods are like the weather, they come and go and don’t mean that much.

TUESDAY JULY 28, 2026

HOPELESSNESS / VICTIM / MY ROLE IN IT **

I woke up feeling drained this morning, which is not unusual for me. It’s typical for living with CFS/ME, and not surprising after six weeks of flu and recovering from the flu.

I notice my mind also goes to familiar unresolved themes in my life.

My disability pension is too small to live on. I am unable to work. For a while, I got by with seriously frugal living and help from my parents but they are no longer around.

The roof of our small house in the Andes collapsed two years after it was built, almost killing us in our sleep. The thick roof beams and heavy clay tiles crashed to the floor next to our bed. A report found the architects and builder responsible but they denied responsibility from their first response. The architects went into a denial and attack approach and sued both of us for defamation.

The mind goes to a series of examples like this.

Ten years ago, the municipality put sewage lines through the middle of my parents’ garden even if the written contract stated they would put it along the border. This led to a loss of 500 m² of buildable land in a desirable location. In addition, the contractor stole the deep rich soil, likely sold it for a significant profit, and replaced it with clay that nothing would grow in. I was in contact with lawyers who said we had a strong case and the municipality would suggest a settlement before a court case. My father refused to cooperate and said he would never have anything to do with lawyers. My brother sided with my father, as he always did. This meant the house was worth considerably less when it was put out on the market some years later, likely at least 200,000 euros.

In the 2010s, I was in a process to apply for disability. Central people in the process made a series of errors. For instance, after I had spent years going to a long list of specialists, I was told to come back to the main doctor and receive the CFS/ME diagnosis. Instead, I found myself with a different doctor who started the process from the beginning. Years later, they admitted they made a mistake. After all this, when I finally applied, my application was denied. They apparently deny disability applications for CFS/ME by default. I had to take it to court which was another distressing process.

In the early 2010s, my health was better and I still had residency in the US. I love the Bay Area and feel profoundly at home and alive there, and easily meet likeminded people which I hardly ever do other places. I stayed with a friend there, and got two dream jobs. I then got a long term rental in the Marina area through another friend, in a beautiful apartment and for a symbolic price. At the same time, a friend of mine in the UK (who was apparently interested in a relationship with me which I was not at all) had started talking with a non-dual mentor of mine whom I trusted. They both decided I should leave everything in the Bay Area, go stay with her, and take an offer to teach art at a school. It felt deeply wrong, but since they both insisted so strongly, I thought they must know something I didn’t so against my better knowing, I went. Predictably, It turned out to be a disaster and misery all around – in terms of work (wasn’t at all what I had been told and lasted two or three weeks), my health (this was winter in the UK which was terrible for my health), and otherwise – and I lost my opportunity to live and work in the Bay Area.

More immediately, my friend I am staying with has trouble sleeping so she is sometimes up long into the night, and not very careful with closing doors. Even with earplugs, I wake up from the slam and my bed and walls shaking. Where my head is in the bed is also by the wall to the kitchen, and when she slams the kitchen cabinet doors closed it’s as if an explosion is going off and everything shakes. My nervous system is already on edge because of all the trauma so it means my system is on constant high alert. I mentioned it once without anything being resolved. I brought it up again yesterday which may help with the night peace, we’ll see.

These are just a few examples from the last few years. The list is much longer and there are similar types of examples from the last 15 years especially. For instance, when I got divorced at the beginning of the 2010s, I was very sick with CFS in Norway and trusted my ex to do the process correctly. It turned out she took the money from the sale of the house (more than 300,000 USD) and I also lost everything I owned apart from what I had with me in a suitcase.

I have abandoned a series of very promising careers, mainly because of my health combined with not wanting to be visible. It started with art (was the youngest to be accepted into the most prestigious art exhibit in Norway, was a student/apprentice of a remarkable painter, had everything going for me including a deep passion) and then went on to other fields.

My deepest wish in life was/is to have a family of my own, but that never happened. The closest I came was in my first serious relationship. She had a young son and a dog so we had an instant family. It was likely the happiest period of my life and felt profoundly right. She was six years older than me and wanted us to get married. I wanted that too. Unfortunately, she gave me an ultimatum, and I felt so hurt by it that I abandoned that too.

There is an endless series of examples like this. Of course, I am sure everyone can come up examples like this from a lived life. It depends on the filters we use.

Some beliefs that come up from this: I am a victim. I am a victim of their actions. I am the victim of others.

In a conventional sense, it may be true that in some of these situations, I was harmed by the actions of others. At the same time, I can see how my own patterns played a role in these situation. I could have acted differently to prevent, clear up, or resolve them. I could have been more clear with the office that restarted the diagnostic process. I could have been more clear I didn’t want to use those architects – they didn’t match what we wanted and seemed inexperienced. We also received a warning about the builder, which was quickly retraced, but we could and should have looked further into it. I could have clarified and pushed the lawyer option more strongly with my father. Another more healthy person would have managed most or all of these situations differently and had a different and likely more desirable outcome.

A common theme is self-abandonment. Because of my disability, I often feel I don’t have the energy to fight. This comes in addition to conflict avoidance and other strategies to deal with my own wounds. One of my core wounds is being / feeling unlovable. And one of my main strategies is to try to be as invisible as possible.

This all comes down to wishing to be a better steward of my own life. I can be aware of my typical patterns, anticipate them, and take precautions. I can enlist the help of others. I can more clearly be on my own side (which is also the side of others since everyone benefits from actions taken from more clarity).

I called this “when life goes wrong”. Of course, that’s just according to this personality. Life is not inherently right or wrong, it just is. It unfolds. What’s happening here are the local and temporary expressions of the universe and existence as a whole, expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways. That’s an important side to this too. It helps me hold it more lightly, while still wanting to be a better steward of my own life.

SKI

I went to Ski this morning for a dentist appointment and to renew my ID card. I had a few hours in between and walked around a bit in central Ski. A lot of memories came up, mostly very good ones and mostly from the last 10-15 years – doing things with my last two partners, my parents, and so on. I felt very moved. It feels odd that my time there is over.

One aspect of it is nostalgia, and nostalgia is very useful. It shows me what I value, what’s important to me in my life, and what I can work on bringing more into my life.

MY FORTIES – LIVING UNLIVED LIFE

My forties were a revisiting of my teens and early twenties in many ways. I got to live life experiences I felt I missed out on then, especially in terms of relationships.

For instance, I got to have a relationship that was fun, pleasurable, and light and lasted a few months. She was younger and unusually attractive. Before that, I had a relationship that felt deeply right and nourishing with an artistic Central European which appealed to dreams from my early twenties. Then, someone I had an amazing friendship with and whose striking classical beauty fulfilled a teenage dream. These were all sincere relationships, and they all happened to fulfill something unfulfilled from earlier in life. I mention the beauty, artistic life, and so on knowing it can be seen as superficial. Still, it went deep and healed something in me.

I also got to live in different places – Norway, California, Switzerland, and Devon in the UK. I finished a graduate degree. I even got back into comic books and graphic novels.

Life gave me opportunities to experience what I wished for earlier in life and was still unlived.

It felt and feels like a revisiting and a healing process. Something in me fell more into place because of having those experiences.

Why did I miss out on these life experiences in my teens and twenties? In my teens, it was mostly because of the social anxiety and feeling out of place in the social life in school. In my twenties, it was not for lack of opportunities. It was mostly because I took life and relationships enormously seriously which excluded a lot of experiences I otherwise would have had, including more fun ones. My guidelines for myself were sincere and they became restrictive which was likely in response to fear. I made up noble and restrictive guidelines for myself to manage my own fear and insecurities.

For instance, I spent just about all my time on studies, art, watching serious art movies, reading serious books on Buddhism, art, and science, spending hours daily on serious meditation and body-centered practices, and so on. In terms of relationship, I wanted to find someone who was on an awakening path similar to me, and I didn’t find many my age that fit that criterion where I was – first Oslo and then the Zen center in Salt Lake City. (In Oslo and at the Zen center, most women dedicated to awakening were much older than me and/or less interesting for other reasons.)

I should also mention that this theme unfolded parallel and intertwined with the dark night process. These experiences lightened the darkness and also, often at the end of the relationships!, brought up deeper unprocessed material in me.

A DEEPER HUMANIZING (?)

I feel that the flu-like illnesses I have had this year – for three or four months total so far – have to do with a deeper humanizing and humbling of me. I am brought to a place where I am brought face-to-face with my very human vulnerability.

RECLAIMING HEALTHY EARLIER-STAGE CAPACITIES

A big part of my process is to reclaim healthy versions of early-life developmental stages. In the Spiral Dynamics framework, these are especially relevant for me:

Red: Assertion, anger as clean boundary energy, taking up space, acting decisively on my own behalf.

Blue: Regularity, structure, sustained practice and finishing.

Orange: Bringing abilities into the world, accepting feedback, building mastery and allowing visible accomplishment.

Beige: Attending to sleep, health, money, housing and bodily security without treating them as spiritually secondary.

WEDNESDAY JULY 29, 2026

I woke up feeling much more rested than usual, partly because the night was quiet and I am gradually getting better from the flu. I went to Ski again for a doctor’s appointment and to replace the hanging wardrobes for my jackets. (My brother damaged them somehow and replaced them with some old ragged and moldy ones without telling me. He still hasn’t told me what happened. I am used to that particular type of chaos and try to be as little involved as possible apart from taking care of my things.) Listened to classic Afro-pop on my way there and some fun and eccentric Japanese music – Cibo Matto – on the way back. I worked on a writing project during my travels, mostly planning and organizing. We’ll see what comes out of it.

THURSDAY JULY 30, 2026

REST

I slept well and finally had a chance to rest this morning after a couple of days of travel and appointments. I did a few smaller projects, went for a walk by the river, and saw The Mandalorian and Grogu in the late afternoon. It’s a not very ambitious story and I enjoyed the simplicity of it. The series had seasons that were better, but it was fun enough.

PLANT DATABASE

I decided to make a post about the plant database, and also share it with a couple of people also working with regeneration in the Barichara area. It still needs a lot of work but it may be good to receive some feedback. I don’t even know if others will find it useful or be interested. Often, I find that others are not interested in projects I find valuable or fascinating.

In this case, I assume people may want to get their plant into more locally and through personal connections, which makes a lot of sense.

FRIDAY JULY 31, 2026

DREAM: A GROUP OF WOMEN HEALERS

I am on a road trip in the US and come across a group of female healers of different ages and from different backgrounds and cultures. They see right through me. One said I had been there before, maybe six years ago, but I was not ready. I can’t remember. This time, I am ready, and it has to do with me being at Amma’s ashram last winter. They give me medicine of different kinds that will reorganize my bodymind. I trust theme without needing to think about it. They know me and my process and what’s needed without needing to tell them anything. The process started from the medicine and treatment – which involves touch, hot springs, and more – aligns what’s in me with reality at a very detailed level.

This is my dream – from this morning and in waking life. It’s what I wish for. To be seen, understood, for readiness, for a process of healing of body and mind. I wish for it in life, and more than that, I wish for it from myself.

I wish to find it in myself. And really, I wish to deepen into allowing it and embracing it when it’s here.

I made this into a full article.

DOES THE DREAM MEAN A SHIFT?

It’s tempting to take this dream as pointing to a shift in my healing process, although I have had a lot of similar healing dreams thought my life. It’s likely more about a theme and ongoing process than dramatic shifts.

GRATEFUL FOR REST

I feel very grateful for having had the rest day yesterday. I spent most of it in bed – writing a bit, listening to excellent Norwegian radio theater from the ’80s (!), napping, watching the Mandalorian movie, and talking a bit with AL.

Today also seems to be a slow day, although I am at least sitting up. It’s beautiful outside so I may go for a walk.

BE ON MY OWN

I keep noticing that I seek out being on my own these days, and enjoy it. In the past, and especially in my teens and twenties, I felt that alone time was not as valuable – or valid! – as doing something with others. Right now, it seems more balanced and there seems to be less charge around any of those ideas.

PREPARING TO DIE

Over the last few weeks and months, after returning to Oslo, I feel that I am preparing to die in a strange way. I am not sure what’s going on exactly. Of course, it has to do with my parents dying over the last twelve months so my own mortality is now more viscerally real to me.

It likely also has to do with…

Having finished up much of my life in Norway last year, including packing most of my things.

Finishing up several smaller projects this summer, including for this website. (Selected articles, adding previously missing articles about my own process, and so on.)

Feeling that a new phase of my life is starting, although I don’t know how it will look. (Apart from that it will start with going back to Finca Milagros.)

A general apocalyptic feeling in the world with fires, floods, super El Niño coming, more climate change disruptions in the years and decades ahead of us, and us collectively not doing much about it.

Generally not finding the future or past anywhere, apart from as a kind of mirage in my mental field.

TRAUMA IN A MORE AWAKE SYSTEM (?) **

Sometimes, trauma in a system can show up as darker area of the aura. I tuned in at a distance to someone with a lot of awakening in her system and also trauma, and it seemed more like light creating a certain pattern – structures in the light taking the form of trauma.

This journal is continued here…

VISCERALLY FEELING ALL AS THE DIVINE