Why did the oneness shift happen when I was sixteen? I suspect it served as a pressure valve.
It was almost unbearable to be me, so my system shifted into Big Mind as a way to relieve the pressure.
I am sure it could have gone other ways, and that must have been the path of least resistance in that moment.
DOUGLAS HARDING
When I much later read Douglas Harding (On Having No Head?), I was struck by his description of his shift. According to my less-than-excellent memory, he said it became unbearable to be Douglas, so there was a shift into headlessness.
In my case, it also became unbearable to be me, so Big Mind came to the foreground as a relief.
HUMAN SELF STILL MUCH THE SAME
My human self was still filled with anxiety and preverbal struggle (that’s still here), but the context was completely different. It was a figure-ground reversal. What had been in the foreground – this human self – became a part of the seamless field of existence. And what had been in the background and close to unnoticed – this awake space forming itself into all experience – came into the foreground and recognized itself.
NO CONSCIOUS INTEREST
I was an atheist at the time, with very little interest in spirituality and zero knowledge about awakening, so there was no conscious movement in that direction. It was my system that it it on its own. It just followed its inherent wisdom, just like a plant growing or a stream flowing through a landscape.
WHY WAS THIS THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE?
Why was a shift into Big Mind the path of least resistance?
Why didn’t it go in any of the other directions it could have gone?
I honestly don’t know.
It must be the way this system happens to be put together, but why it was put together in that way, I don’t know.
Did this stream of conditioning go deep in spiritual practices in past lives? That’s possible. A lot of it seems very natural and familiar to me. Maybe that prepared the ground, somehow.
THE LARGER PROCESS
How does it fit into the larger process?
This shift was how my nature came into the foreground and has stayed as something I can easily notice.
It echoes my flashbacks to the time before this life, which was a oneness state although not consciously thought of as that.
It was the start of more intentional and ongoing explorations of my nature, how to live from and as it, how to invite all the many parts of my psyche to play along, and so on.
Big Mind has come strongly to the foreground in a pressure-valve sense at other times too. For instance, in Oregon in the 2000s when I had heat exhaustion/stroke. And also when I almost died from sepsis three (?) summers ago.
THE PERSONAL AND UNIVERSAL
Why do I write about this? If it was just my experience, it would still be important in my life but maybe not something to write about.
It so happens that these kinds of shifts are not so unusual, so this is another thread in a much larger weave of similar experiences and stories. The slight twist is the pressure valve side to it, and even that is likely not so unusual.
In general, I assume there is something universal in all of my experiences. It may be that for many of us, in different situations and circumstances, the pressure valve has been – or is or will be – Big Mind.
After all, it is what we are. It’s just coming home to what we never left. And sometimes, stress is what brings it to the foreground and helps us notice what we already are.
The photo is a view from Finca Milagros.