Oslo Journal August 2026

This is a continuation of the journal I started when I went to Amritapuri in December and continued in London and Oslo. As usual, it will be as much a journal of my inner world as my outer. Follow the journal tag to see more articles in this series.

Saturday August 1, 2026

My father’s student apartment in Oslo

In the morning, I took the tram to Grünerløkka to return the Adventures of Hergé book, and then continued to the area just beyond the palace. Yesterday, I looked at my mother’s brief memoirs which had the address of where my father lived as a student (Niels Juelsgate 44), and also their first apartment in Oslo (Huitfeltsgate 11). I went to both places and stayed there for a while.

Next to the National Museum which is just a short walk away. (Unfortunately, the museum library is closed on Saturdays so I’l be back next week.) Then to Akershus fortress, where my father was the architect for the military museum. And finally to the main library where I read for a while, including in a book about the history of Japanese photography. I also sat on a couple of benches and read on this journey. It was a beautiful day.

The photos above are from where my father lived as a student. When I was there, a young man was moving in with a lot of fishing and hunting equipment out in the hallway. My father loved fishing and hunting, especially at that age, so it was a nice synchronicity.

Sunday August 2, 2026

I was reminded of this drawing my father made of me one Christmas when I was five or six. I was reading one of the giant Carl Barks books. They were my favorite Christmas presents and I think I had all of them. I still remember when he made this drawing.

Rest day

A rest day. I sat up for a couple of hours in the morning to catch up with some smaller tasks and projects, and then got extremely tired / fatigued, likely from the activities yesterday. I was in bed the rest of the day. I slept off and on during the afternoon. I wanted to go to sleep early but slamming doors made that difficult until well after midnight, and I kept waking up through the night for the same reason.

Monday August 3, 2026

Trauma center?

I plan to talk with my doctor here in Norway for a referral to a trauma center I have heard good things about. It’s residential and most people are there for three months. I made a list of traumas and challenging situations in my life, including the last ten years. It’s a long and occasionally dramatic list, and it had a (surprisingly?) big impact on me to see it written down.

Of course, it all depends on the filter. In this case, I filtered out the most traumatic and challenging situations and events. That’s not my whole life. It’s not who I am, as this human self. And it’s certainly not what I am, as space for it all.

Enjoyable day

I walked along the river in the morning, found a bench, and talked with BWL for a while. I met him at Amritapuri and he is one of the VH people who goes there. 

Sat at the café at Teknisk Museum for a while, getting to know the handwriting-to-text function and trying a new app for that. 

Then, sat at a bench by the art studios and talked with AL for a while. I asked her for a Tarot reading for my health, and the guideline is to follow what’s natural and intuitive for me, which makes a lot of sense.

Tuesday August 4, 2026

Sleep

A more quiet night after HRH, the friend I am staying with, talked with the neighbor yesterday. Good sleep is worth its weight in gold (!). Fortunately, I seem to be in a phase where I sleep well if I don’t wake up from noise.

Visiting a friend

I visited MK, a friend from university, in Grünerløkka today. She is Russian and just returned from Russia and told me some about her impressions and experiences there. Her parents have bought into the official Russian view, which is challenging for her although she also understands how difficult it would be for them to break out of it, including for social reasons. She also said that soldiers sometimes use their income for bribes to avoid or delay being sent to the front. And that those who return with serious injuries often don’t get the money they were promised, or need to go the way of court. She said she noticed how her throat physically contracted while there since she couldn’t speak freely.

She then did a healing process with me as play and exploration, using muscle testing, finding the “origin” of my health challenges, and exploring it through role playing. It was quite powerful and went deep at a feeling level. We especially explored hopelessness, powerlessness, and anger with and wanting to turn away from life/God. (I say “origin” since the origin of everything is respectively the Big Bang, in time, or the Divine in a more immediate and real sense…!)

Inability to take the view of others

I have a somewhat challenging relationship with my brother. One side is that we are quite different in our orientation and worldview, and he doesn’t waste an opportunity to point it out and show me that I am wrong. (He is very conservative, a climate change denier, and so on.) I don’t bring up these topics since I don’t see any reason for it. Another is that any interaction with him, and especially around practical projects, typically gets immensely complicated.

The most recent example is from today. He bought a Mac from 2011 that he wants to get working, so he asked if I could install an older MacOS on a memory stick. I said yes, and assumed – and still assume – it’s pretty straightforward. He sent me a link to page 354 on a forum with extremely complicated instructions where 99% doesn’t apply to my side of the process. I asked him about it and suggested my part was more simple. From his response, he doesn’t seem to be able to differentiate the full project with all its complexity from my relatively small and simple job, and what info I need to do it.

I have long understood that he has trouble imagining the view and experiences of others. I experience it in just about any interaction with him, and it’s a big reason why it typically gets immensely complicated. What’s simple with others feels like pulling teeth with him. I also suspect it ties into his flavor of conservatism. He doesn’t understand that others are not as privileged as him. He doesn’t understand the many factors that makes life much more difficult for many others, including social background, abilities, opportunities, and so on. So he instead choses to blame the victim and support policies that benefit the already privileged at the cost of the rest of society.

He is also not very open to new experiences while I am at the other end of the spectrum. He lives a five minute walk from where we grew up. He doesn’t really travel. He listen to the same music as he did in his teens. That’s not bad or wrong, of course. We need people like that in society. But it may be related to challenges in taking the perspective of others. He seems to lack that curiosity. (On the other hand, I seek out new experiences, moved abroad early in life, travel and have lived many places in the world, always listen to new and “exotic” music, and so on. I am curious about the experiences of others.)

What would I do if I had energy?

MK asked me: What would you do if I had more energy?

I would likely start with the things at the forefront for me now.

Work on and hopefully finish a more meaty writing project (book).

Do more drawing and photography. Stretch myself in drawing and photography, beyond what’s easy and familiar. Be more ambitious.

Do more with the regeneration project in the Andes. Work more with my own body. Use social media more to share information and that life. Set up some funding channels. Channel resources into projects that can generate money.

Get more back into physical activity. Hikes. Strength training (using body weight). Biking. Swimming.

Have clients with energy healing and using other modalities I am trained in.

Be more social.

Wednesday August 5, 2026

Second sleep

I woke up around 6, did a few things, and went back for a nap. Those second sleeps sleep feel especially delicious for me, and they last maybe an hour or so. This morning, I slept until 11:30! That’s very unusual for me. It may be because it has been more quiet here since my friend talked with the neighbors, it may be because I was out yesterday and my body needs to recover, and it may also be the healing from yesterday.

Preserving self-image

When HRH talked with the neighbors about the sound of doors etc., they reportedly said it’s not them and they are very quiet. Curiously, it has been much more quiet since. And curiously, I happen to know it’s often them for several reasons. (Including that the noise goes away when they go out.) I haven’t said anything since the conversation seems to have worked, and it’s fine for people to keep their self-image even if it’s not entirely accurate…! We all do that.

Thursday August 6, 2026

Getting my life in order

This summer, I have been catching up with people and smaller projects. I finally have time to get to some of these projects, and it’s also a kind of continuation of last year where I sorted through my parents’ and my own things and put much in storage.

There is another side to this: I feel like I am putting my life in order the way people do at the end of life. I am not exactly sure why.

Maybe because my father did that over the last few years, and I was part of that process.

Maybe because I viscerally don’t have a sense of future or past. They are images and imaginations and not much more. Although the effects of the past lives in me in a conventional sense, in the form of everything this human self is. I am also planning a bit for the future and explore scenarios and options.

Maybe it is because much in my life has died recently – my parents, my childhood home, our beloved cat (a couple of years ago now), my life in Norway as it used to be, some of my dreams about our land in the Andes.

Maybe it is because one phase of my life is over and something new is here and coming.

Maybe it’s because something old in me is dying. Some old identifications and so on. I am not sure.

Tying up lose ends & concerns

I did some cleaning and organizing this morning, and a few things on my to-do list including going over subscriptions and payments, calling my bank in the US, and so on. It feels good.

It also brings up my concerns about money and my future. I have a very small disability pension, and some money from inheritance that I need to invest wisely. I am not sure how yet, apart from maybe building my own (small) house at Finca Milagros.

Having a chronic illness comes with a lot, including often a challenging financial situation. It also comes with a loss of many dreams and a lot of stress related to just about all sides of life.

From simplicity to complexity and back to simplicity

I mentioned to SA, a friend from Oregon (now in Colorado) that my spiritual explorations / life is now much more simple, natural, and intuitive again.

I went from something simple, natural, and intuitive in the initial oneness shift and for a few years after, to increasing complexity through Buddhist practice, Zen, inquiry, and all sorts of practices. I went into all of that in detail. And now, I am again drawn to the simple, natural, and intuitive. Of course, whatever I experienced and learned in the process is here too.

Finding myself in modes

I find myself in modes. Today, I am in a “to-do list” and “tying up lose ends” mode and I am enjoying it. Other days, I am in a writing mode. Or programming mode. Or walking and doing things outside mode. Or social mode. Or, as is often the case, rest mode.

When I find myself in a mode like this, I tend to make use of it.

For instance, it’s not every day I am in a to-do list / tying-up-lose-ends mode, so I am going through my list.

My system needs catching up

I felt a bit off today with signs of having done too much, including the typical headache and wired feeling in my body.

After some hours, I remembered that these are the symptoms of my body getting disorganized, and the solution is Vortex Healing catch-ups, optimization, and energization.

It still takes a while for me to (a) recognize the symptoms of my system being disorganized, and (b) remembering that it needs catching up. I tend to go back to an older pattern of (a) noticing the symptoms, (b) seeing it as early warning signs of crashing (which it is), and (c) thinking I need rest and energization (which I do). A bit later, I remember that catching up is what has the fastest and best effect, in combination with rest and energization.

I went for a walk after the rain in the evening, and channeled MI to catch up my nervous system (CNS, PNS), harmonics for catch-ups and integration, and MI to catch up energetic bodies. I feel much better.

Over the last few days, I have done more mantras, intentionally giving all over to the divine / notice it all as the divine, noticing headlessness, and so on, so I suspect that’s why my system now needs catching up.

Friday August 7, 2026

Dream: Beautiful island

I am on a beautiful island not far away. It’s a good location, not expensive, and few people live there. I am very familiar with it from my own life. I am there with two younger female friends. The locals are latin but speak English. It has a varied and dramatic look similar to Madeira, Las Palmas, and so on. One of my friends want to hike up a steep hill. I say I would love to, but can’t because I know it won’t be good for my health. We visit the house of an older man who collects art. He has a lot of paintings, some of international high quality. He also has some by my father. They knew each other. It’s clear he needs help organizing and storing the paintings more safely. I know I can do it, and that he will likely hire me to do it. I realize it would be a good place to live. It seems an obvious choice but I had dismissed it before. Maybe it seemed too obvious.

Day residue includes some years now of thinking of buying something on an island, preferably like this with temperate climate and plenty of water. In the dream, the island is very familiar and I am there with two female friends. I take care of myself with ease while maintaining a good relationship. I also realize I can help curate the art collection, which is in part world class. I know I am very likely to be hired. And I realize this is a good place to live, and am surprised I have discounted it before.

In my life in the world, it reflects my seeking of a place to invest some money and live or rent out. My closest friends are mostly female, and have been my whole life (apart from challenging years in late elementary school and in middle school). I am learning to take care of myself with more ease and simplicity. (Although I have a lot to learn still.) I love art, and my father was an artist – alongside his architecture business. And I am realizing that what’s close is often pretty good – both in Norway and at Finca Milagros. I don’t need to find a third location or assume it needs to be complicated.

In my inner life, this is a contained part of me, maybe this human self as a whole? It’s familiar to me, as I as am to myself (to some extent!). This human self has character and has different cultures within it. I am leaning to feminine parts of me for support and enjoyment of life. I am learning to set kind boundaries with ease with myself and pushy parts of me. I have artistic parts, and also parts of me that collects and curates what’s beautiful. I seem to be called to live more fully in this place and also curate and organize the collection.

I have a sense the inner mirror has a lot more to it so I’ll stay with the dream.

See longer article on this dream.

Ski & exchange

I have some things stored at my brother’s place in Ski, so I went there this morning to do an exchange. I dropped off summer clothes and other things I won’t need for a while, got a sweater and warmer pants and a fleece jacket, and organized my things better.

My father’s Wikipedia article

I also found my father’s notes on his Wikipedia article from some years ago and took photos of them. They were where I thought and hoped they would be, in the last documents box I packed. I didn’t make the updates earlier because I didn’t have sources, but with AI it’s easier to do that type of work. I used ChatGPT and Gemini to look at the notes, find sources, and draft a discussion comment for the article. I suggested changes and sources for someone else – hopefully! – to make. I can’t really do it myself since I am close family.

Saturday August 8,2026

Dream: Life line

I have some kind of project with a team, including some senior ones in Tibetan buddhism. Somehow, the topic of my life line comes up. It’s split and reflect my health, and I ask about it to try to get more information.

The dream itself was much longer and more detailed than this, but this is all I remember. In the dream, my lifeline was more like a river widening and narrowing until it went into the ocean (the divine). At first, it looked like my health would get better at some point, and then I was not sure.

Sadness

I woke up noticing sadness in me. I think it may be because my cousin has his big gathering this weekend. I am not there for a few different reasons, including that my health is not very good. I am spending most of my days in bed these days, and outings – like the one yesterday – take a lot out of me. I can only or mostly do what’s absolutely necessary.

I am doing small projects, like my father’s Wikipedia article (which is missing a lot of info that needs to be verified in physical archives). These are small victories and I am happy about it.

And a part of me is sad about my life. I had so many great ambitions and real possibilities, and it ended up – right now – with me in a small dark room at the edge of Oslo just doing the smallest of projects. Of course, that’s not the full picture either.

This is the divine creating this experience for itself. My life has been and is more than just this. And a tree doesn’t complain if the conditions it lives under doesn’t make it as tall as the other ones. It’s life. It’s part of the wild diversity of life. That’s here too.

And it’s all very clearly happening within and as the awake space that’s here, that I somehow seems to fundamentally be, and which forms itself into all these experiences, including the sadness, the words and mental images, the hands typing, the words on the screen, the taste of the nuts I am eating early in the morning.

And the sadness is here, and allowed to be here. Life allows is. This awake space allows it. At a human level, parts of me are unhappy about it, some don’t want to feel it, and some welcome it and meet it with kindness.

Nobody will read it – is that true?

As I write here, or anywhere on this website, I have the thought: Nobody will read this.

Why would anyone read it? Even people close to me don’t read it. They may take a quick glance at one or two articles on the front page, and that’s it. I know that from the little feedback I get. And none of it is about the content. I don’t know if anyone has said it’s interesting or helpful to them, apart from the occasional reader comment which is usually about something else.

Is it true that nobody will read it? No. I do. As I write, I read it. It’s for me.

Silence

I love silence. It’s 6am, silent, and I am not doing anything to change that.

I listen to music a lot and enjoy it. And to be honest, I mostly listen to it to drown out noise from neighbors. The door slamming. The sometimes loud voices of people outside. The scraping and banging.

Without that, there is no need for music. I love the silence.

The day

I went out for a couple of hours late morning, walked along the river, and sat on my currently favorite bench next to the art studios by the river close to Teknisk Museum. I read and did a few things on my to-do list. After returning to the apartment, I talked with my cousin (KKL), AL, and JH. My brain seems to be in hibernation mode and doesn’t produce much thoughts these days, so I mostly listened (I am able to take in what people say!). I also did some writing here, and had a delicious lunch/dinner.

Sunday August 9, 2026

Dream: The world

I dream that the world is on fire, unraveling ecosystems and civilization. Somehow, it’s so familiar I find some peace with it.

I only remember this dream image or fragment, and it’s not so far from my conscious view and experience. There is more to it which I can’t quite get a hold on.

Sleep

I am alone in the apartment for 24 hours so I slept on the sofa in the living room, away from the neighbor who slams doors at night. That meant I had a deep and continuous sleep until about 7am, which was wonderful.

Resting

I did some writing in the morning, and had planned to go for a walk and sit by the river but didn’t have the energy. I felt too fatigued, and need to save energy for tomorrow.

So instead, I watched a couple of episodes of Grantchester. It’s perfect for me now – comfort TV with just enough heart and life to make it worth it, and easy enough so I don’t spend too much energy processing. Although it’s a while since I watched the episodes with the first vicar, I remember seeing quite a lot of myself in him.

Spiritual traditions vs what they are about

In a slightly different life, I could easily have been a priest. But in this, it has not been possible since I am interested in what religions and spirituality are about, and not the religions or traditions themselves. I would be more loyal to what works than any tradition.

Going to the river

I did eventually go out mid-afternoon and walked along the river. I sat down on a bench and read another chapter in the Ambrosial Experiences book about people’s experiences with Amma, and then did sections of the Vortex Healing anti-aging protocol for myself (mitochondria, youthify transmission). A beautiful afternoon and I felt the fall in the air for the first time – maybe a combination of it being slightly cooler, some wind, smells, and also seeing some yellow leaves in the river.

Monday August 10, 2026

Ski

I went to Ski again this morning, to see my doctor. We talked about why I have been sick half of the year so far – influenza, lung/ear infections etc. – and both thought the stress from last year is a likely cause. We also talked about me possibly getting a complex PTSD diagnosis so I can go to the trauma center which I have heard good things about. We’ll see about that.

Oslo

It’s a beautiful day with sun, some clouds, a breeze, and comfortable temperatures. I went to the National Museum library and checked out some photography books. One by Edward Steichen was especially interesting, I’ll likely return to read more in that one.

I then went to Frognerparken and sat in the sun for a while. I read some, talked with AL and then channeled for her since she has a virus of some kind.

Civilization game?

This morning, I remembered the civilization game that’s been on my mind for a while – at least since Oregon in the 2000s when I was talking with DS about it and seriously considered developing it, and really from the 1990s when I was especially into global ecological overshoot, ecological footprint, and so on. That time, it seemed a bit overwhelming. Now, it seems I can likely do it.

I am developing some principles, guidelines, and simple prototypes to see how engaging it is. It should be a “page turner” where you stay engaged to see what happens next, otherwise it’s not worth it.

See the Personal notes for today, August 10, for more details. I am not going to put it all in here!

Tuesday August 11, 2026

Morning

I woke up at 5am from noise from the neighbor, and that noise has persisted through the morning. I know my system’s strong reaction to noise has to do with trauma from my childhood. I’ll write about that more in the Personal Notes.

It’s another beautiful sunny day, although cooler – maybe 13-15 degrees going up to 20 later in the day. It definitely feels like fall.

Civilization game

I spent a few hours on the prototype for the civilization game last night. It has a simple visual interface and simulates a few years in Barichara. It needs to be engaging, and I am not sure if I am quite there yet. It has the mechanics and the consequences and feedback, but needs more compelling storylines. It also needs to work at a text and story level before I get into creating better visuals. (If it’s compelling at a text and story level, and it seems worth it and I stay engaged, I may hire a designer/artist to do the visuals, but that’s a lot of ifs.)

Finca Milagros I: cultural differences **

I have a meeting with my father-in-law later today. He is one of the co-owners of our land in the Andes, and there has been a lot of problems likely due to cultural differences. He and my wife have pushed to do things quickly, while I have wanted a slower and more incremental approach. They have won out.

For instance, my father-in-law built a large house with a lot of infrastructure requirements quickly and without considering everything in advance. I always thought it was too fast and too big. Now, predictably, he has over-extended himself and wants to sell off land to cover the cost. For me, this is a big problem since my main priority is to keep the land for regeneration and as a nature preserve.

It’s also yet another “I told you so” situation from my life. Others go ahead against my advice and wishes, and I have to live with the consequences.

One possibility is that I pay for the coming expenses, and he pays me back later. It’s annoying since he keeps on with projects that I see as not needed, or not needed now, including a guest house. We don’t need a guest house at this point.

Finca Milagros II: frustrations

We had the conversation and it all seems very difficult. My father-in-law wants to sell, but it’s extremely complicated for several reasons – the shape of the land, the access point, and so on. Also, it seems that I will end up paying for infrastructure for the existing two houses which I very likely won’t use and where I won’t live.

I don’t know if I can live at that land at all since the existing houses are located on the only reasonable place to build. Also, it’s extremely hot there now – from El Niño and likely climate change – and I don’t do well in heat.

This whole conversation also brought up a lot of older frustrations for me.

When we built the first small house, I wanted to design it and find a local architect to look it over and do the final drawing. (I went to the MA program in architecture at University of Oregon, and have learned a lot about vernacular architecture outside of that as well, so I was qualified.) The two others involved wanted to hire two young architects who repeatedly and consistently misunderstood and/or ignored our instructions, and clearly didn’t know much about designing with the elements. I disliked their previous projects, and I strongly disliked their design for that house. That whole process was a nightmare. It also turned out they made obvious design mistakes that we needed to fix and pay for. Less than two years after the house was built, a large part of the roof collapsed and almost killed us in our sleep. They immediately denied any responsibility, even before any conversations. A third-party team of architects and engineers found the architects and builder responsible. They continued to deny any responsibility. The architects then sued us for defamation. They seem to use a deny and attack strategy. (Well know from Trump and Roy Cohn.)

Before my father-in-law started his project, I wanted to talk with him to buy his part of the land from him. He wasn’t very excited about living there, so it seemed an all-around good solution. That idea was rejected by my wife and I never got to even talk to him about it. If I had, and if that had been possible, it would have solved and prevented a huge amount of problems, including the one we are in now.

There are also many smaller situations. When we paid for the initial topographer, he didn’t give us what we had paid for. I repeatedly asked for it without getting it, and my wife and father-in-law told me everything was fine and not to worry about it. Of course, it turned out he hadn’t done what we paid him for, and we had to pay someone else to do everything again. This was very expensive since it’s 15 3/4 hectares.

As so often, I get into situations where others get their way and it ends up hurting me a lot more than them. And because of my health situation, it’s very difficult to deal with all this.

I get into these situations because of my own wounds and traumas, and the ways I relate to them.

Anger as protection

Anger came up during the conversation I just mentioned. Anger is here to protect me. It’s an energy I can use to set boundaries, stand up for myself, be a good steward for my life, and so on. (It also comes from fear, which is a slightly different topic.)

In this case, I used that energy to make clear that (a) I had very much been there and been actively involved in the situations he mentioned, and where he complained I had not been there, and (b) I ALWAYS have paid any bill sent my way, even if I disagreed with what it was for. If he has not sent me recent bills, he can’t blame me for not paying. I can’t pay for something I don’t know about and nobody has told me about.

My pattern is often to not say anything in these situations. I just let people whatever ideas they have even if they are obviously not correct, at least from my perspective and experience. So it does feel a little uncomfortable using the energy of anger in this way, and I am sure it’s a little inelegant compared to how it would be if I was more familiar and comfortable with it, but that’s OK. That’s part of the process.

Anger at life **

I notice anger at life is coming up. I have had so many remarkable opportunities in life, from what I have in me and external circumstances, and I find myself with a chronic illness, an income too low to live on, and extremely difficult circumstances. I feel trapped right now. And angry.

Of course, that anger is good. It’s energy meant to be used to protect me and get my life in order.

Wednesday August 12, 2026

Feeling not seen

I often feel not seen, which, of course, is sometimes because I do a lot to not be seen. I guess it works.

(1) Yesterday, in the conversation with my father-in-law, that came up again. He said I had been away for some crucial times at Finca Milagros, while in reality I was there. He also complained I hadn’t paid for certain things I know I paid for, and I have always – without exception – paid for anything he or my wife asked me to pay for. Anytime I am presented with a bill, I pay for it. I even pay even if it’s for something I don’t want or see is not right. (Like the architects and the initial topographer.)

(2) I wrote an article on CFS/ME and derealization/depersonalization yesterday. The seed came from a discussion in a CFS/ME group on social media where people shared their experiences with feeling the world distant, unreal, or dreamlike. Some seemed to attribute it to brain fog, while others said they had been told it was a trauma response.

I suggested that derealization and depersonalization is not always connected with trauma, that it may well be an expression of CFS-related brain fog, and that in some cases, it may be misdiagnosed as trauma-related. I also mentioned research that’s aligned with this. I feel that this is an important and crucial point, and there was not a single response. Others sharing almost nothing would get likes and responses, and this – which seems vital – receives nothing.

That’s very common when I share something either in person or online. There is no response. The few times I share this website with someone I know, there is typically no response. (Or, as in the case with one of the teachers at Center for Sacred Sciences when I shared the link with him after knowing him for some years, he told me he wouldn’t read it because he thought I hadn’t written it.)

Insights that are ignored

I also often feel I have insights that are ignored by others, and – of course – the mainstream.

The possible link between CFS-related brain fog and an experience of the world as distant, unreal, and dreamlike is one. To me, it seems there is an obvious link. To the medical profession, it’s not there, at least not officially. It’s not part of the official list of symptoms. Doctors likely often attribute it to trauma if or when it comes up. I assume they may acknowledge it in the future.

Alone

I often am and feel alone, as I do right now. I saw something about a group of co-workers socializing, which I have experienced maybe briefly and once. I have also rarely had a real friend group – apart from at the Zen center and in the Breema community, and to some extent in the sustainability and permaculture world. In each of those cases, it was deeply nourishing and rewarding, and it didn’t last very long since I have moved.

Afloat

I don’t know where my life is going. We never really do, of course, and sometimes it’s more obvious.

What I thought was my future at Finca Milagros seems increasingly uncertain and unlikely. I had seen myself living there into old age, in the food forest on a land I deeply love and feel I belong to. But it seems unlikely for many reasons. Just the heat would be enough to make it unlikely.

I love Amritapuri, but it’s difficult to imagine living there with my health. I was sick for two months there, and also couldn’t sleep or rest very much because of the noise.

I loved the Zen center in Salt Lake City when I lived there, but a life at a Zen center also seems unlikely. It’s typically too expensive for my very limited income, and I am not interested in Zen, I am interested in what Zen is about.

I can’t even really go to the cabin for very long since I don’t have a car and can’t drive because of the brain fog. It’s impossible to stay there without a car since I need to go quite far to get food. (Across a lake, up a hill, and kilometers on a road you need a permit to use.) When I have been there in the past, it’s only because I had someone – usually my father – who could come and deliver food to me.

I am staying with a friend in Oslo, but I can’t stay here forever. She has been very generous and patient with me, but I’ll need to move on. But to where?

A smaller life because of chronic illness – yes and no

A chronic illness can make life smaller. I can’t work. I am unable to get out very much. I am unable to socialize very much. I don’t have many friends. I know very few interested in similar topics as me.

At the same time, in other ways, life is not smaller. I have time. I explore. I write here. For me too, I am space for the world which is immensely rich.

Friends mostly don’t contact me

There is something else I have noticed. If I don’t contact friends, they typically don’t contact me. Sometimes, if I do nothing, they disappear. One of my deepest issues is that I am unlovable, and a part of me takes this as a sign that it’s true. They don’t contact me because I am unlovable.

The reality is more likely that they are busy and have full lives, and they are more concerned with people actually living where they are. Most of my friends live somewhere else.

The reality is also that sometimes, if friends contact me, I can’t reply or it takes time to reply because of my brain fog and fatigue, and if they invite me, I often have to say no for the same reason.

As so often, I use or set up situations that leads to something my mind can use to reinforce painful stories behind my wounds. In this case, that I am unlovable. The wounds find ways to reinforce themselves. They are self-regulating systems that maintain themselves.

Stream of consciousness? **

I listened to a podcast about an author who had written a long book all in one sentence. The idea is that that’s how we think.

Is it? That’s not how it is for me. I may have a few thoughts, and then it goes quiet. Then a few thoughts again, and then quiet. That’s better reflected in relatively short sentences.

I also know it’s not like that for everyone. I remember Byron Katie mentioning that she has – or had? – more of a continuous torrent of thoughts. I guess that’s possible too.

I also notice that there is a quite murmuring of mental images and thoughts far in the background. I don’t know what they show or say, but they are there, and I sometimes notice the effects. That’s a stream of consciousness, but not one I could write down in words – unless I do more intentional inquiry to see what’s there.

CFS Crash

I got up early this morning, maybe 4am, did some writing and smaller projects, and felt generally OK. Then, around 11am, my system had a sudden mini-crash out of the blue. I needed to lie down for a while and rest/nap.

That’s how it is to have CFS/ME. It’s unpredictable and even when these crashes happen, it’s not always easy to say where it came from. Was it just because I had been up for a while? I didn’t do anything very exerting yesterday. I ate food that should be OK for me. (I eat very simply – oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch with quinoa or pasta, and often nuts and fruits otherwise.)

Thursday August 13, 2026

Dream: So full of life / not anymore

I am with a small family who have taken me in for Christmas, and we are going somewhere in the area where my grandparents used to live. I remember family gatherings and Christmas when I was little and how large the family was and full of life. Now, there are very few left, I don’t have any to celebrate Christmas with, and this small family took me in. I feel sad and a little shocked by the situation. Also, I had thought I would have my own family with children, and that didn’t happen.

This is very close to waking life. My family was much larger when I was little, with uncle and aunt, cousins, grandparents, my own parents. Now, most are gone and of the cousins left, only one has children on my father’s side.

I see how I have made decisions to move my life in this direction. I had so many opportunities, and always chose the one aligned with being unlovable and lonely. I steered my life in this direction and to this conclusion.

When I had the opportunity to steer my life towards more life, I may have done it for a while and then left it. I followed my inner trajectory of being unlovable and abandoned myself.

In the dream, a small family has taken me in for Christmas. I have someone. I was focused on all that was lost, not what I have.

My brother

There has been a lot of challenges for me with my brother. He is very conservative and doesn’t waste any opportunity to tell me that climate change is nonsense and so on. I have no interest in talking about those topics with him.

The latest is that he has been in charge of wrapping up things after my father, has missed some bills which went to a firm demanding the money, and wants me to pay half. I’ll do it as I always do, but it was his responsibility. It looks like my share will be well over a month’s income for me.

It’s been like that often. My mother gave me and my wife her gold jewelry when she went to a care home. We sorted through it and kept it safe, as she had asked us to do. It was valued about 20,000 euros. Somehow, she then forgot and thought it was stolen, and it became a big drama until we finally heard about it and reminded them. My brother got very upset and told us we had to pay him half of what the jewelry was worth. (Which was the plan anyway.) We returned it all, my brother put it in my mother’s room in the nursing home, openly and without any locks, and it was predictably and quickly stolen. At that point, he just shrugged. He even refused to report it to the police. He had demanded that we paid him half, but when he was responsible for losing it, there was nothing.

He has also stored things for me, including from my parents, and has systematically damaged valuable art and other things. Some crucial things are also lost.

Another side of this is that he has plenty of money (house, three cabins, large boat etc.) and a solid income, and I have very little. At the same time, he and my parents have insisted on dividing everything 50/50 including expenses. That’s not dividing it 50/50 since for me, those expenses are a much larger percentage of my small income. For him, it’s little, for me it’s a big blow.

Of course, here too, there is the other side. He did take care of the practical things after my father died. He is storing things.

A moment of encouragement

I had more or less abandoned the civilization game after just a few hours of prototype development. The AI (ChatGPT) can do all the programming relatively easily, but it doesn’t quite get the storyline and user experience. It often gets off track. And it does seem challenging to make it compelling and into a page-turner.

I mentioned it to HRH, my friend I am staying with, this morning, and she was very encouraging. That was all that was needed for me to continue, at least for a bit more.

Often, we need those little moments of encouragement. To open up to someone we trust, who can encourage us to keep going. (I have experienced a lot of the reverse in life, and it has had a big impact on me.)

Later morning

The dream this morning brought up a lot for me, and I am grateful for it. Those are sides of me and they need attention. They also faded a bit during the morning, which is natural.

I have worked more on the civilization game. Still not sure how far I’ll take it but it is interesting.

The mini-crash yesterday

Last night, I realized that the mini-crash yesterday again seemed to be that my system became disorganized. I did some catching up (Vortex Healing) last night and it helped my system calm down and start recovering.

I also think that the crash may partly be from a long full day on Monday, and the stressful conversation on Tuesday.

Conversations

I have had good conversations with HRH today, and also my cousin KKL (musician) who came by – we went for a walk along the river and sat on a bench and talked for a while. We talked some about our great grandparents and how their lives and experiences still reverberates through to our generation.

Friday August 14, 2026

Cabin visit

I went to my cabin in Østmarka with MJ and his son F. It was a nice and slow trip. Mainly we put the boat on the water and checked the boat, cabin, and anything else. I haven’t been there since May last year because of everything that has happened. Since the cabin has been empty for almost a year, there were quite a few traces of mice activity. I cleaned the mouse traces from the cabin while they cleaned the stairs outside from debris.

I also tried my drone, and had a bit of a scare when it dipped into the water! I was blinded by the sun and had too much confidence in its ability to avoid obstacles. Apparently, it has trouble with reflective surfaces.

Mouse prevention

Over the years, I have learned how to almost eliminate mouse activities during the winter when the cabin is empty. Last year, someone else closed the cabin for the winter. They had done all right from a normal perspective, but they didn’t know the little extra tricks.

What are some of those tricks? Keep any food in closed containers. (I don’t leave food there in general.) Close all internal doors. Put away as much as possible in locations the mice cannot get to (cupboards etc.). Hang some things from the ceiling. Put everything bowl-shaped upside down. Remove anything soft (paper, matchboxes, fabrics, pillows, rubber) from any place mice can get to.

Also, to protect wood: don’t put anything with liquid inside on top of wood surfaces. (A beautiful table was severely damages since they had left honey jars and tin cans on the wood surface instead of in the cupboard where it belongs.)

Saturday August 15, 2026

The day – mostly resting

A day mostly for resting. I did go out to get a min-SD to regular SD card adapter. I also did a few things on this website and also cleaned up the chronology of some events in my life and lightly edited some relevant articles.

Sunday August 16, 2026

Sleep

I am alone here this weekend so I slept on the sofa, away from the walls with a lot of banging and scraping from the neighbors. I had a much better and unbroken sleep.

The sofa is in the middle of the living room, away from the walls. My regular bed is next to two walls with a lot of banging and scraping – including through the night. I don’t get very good sleep there, even if I use high quality earplugs.

Little me

I was reminded of this photo of me as little (4-5 years old?), likely on vacation in the mountains somewhere in Norway. I am spending some time with him, wishing him all the best, and dialoging with him. That helps me heal my relationship with myself.

At that point, I was still quite happy and free. That changed in school, mostly because of the pretty awful culture of bullying and freezing out people in my class.

I still had passion for life, adventure, and exploration, but it got mixed in with different versions of social anxiety and imagining how others would see me and treat me.

I am helping him heal now, without needing to change his circumstances. As Byron Katie says, it’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

Energizing and optimizing the energy channels

In the afternoon and evening, I channeled energized energy channels for AL and myself, and then optimized my own energy channels for a while.

Monday August 17, 2026

Not much sleep – from having optimized my energy channels?

I slept some in the early evening, and then wasn’t able to fall asleep until maybe 4 or 5 am. I spent some time looking over, verifying, and adding to family history, which was one of my father’s projects.

Not being able to fall asleep until that late (early) is fortunately unusual for me these days and I couldn’t understand why. Was it the hot cacao I had been drinking in the afternoon? Something else?

I then remembered the channeling the night before. Energizing usually helps me sleep better, but optimizing can have unpredictable immediate results! Optimizing doesn’t only energize, it also clears out, and it can bring things up or destabilize the system a bit. That may well be why I had trouble sleeping.

Afternoon walk along the river

I slept a bit during the late morning and early afternoon and wasn’t able to do much productive. I felt extremely groggy, as if I was jet lagged.

Late afternoon, I took Malvin the dog out. We walked along the river and I sat on a couple of benches to read while he was sniffing and looking around. It’s a beautiful day and I feel better.

Tuesday August 18, 2026

Humbled **

I’m tired today.  Sorry to hear about the flu. This illness business is for the birds, but maybe god like me when I’m humbled and weak and resting a lot

AJR sent this to me. Yes, it does seem that life/existence wants us humbled and more receptive and aligned with reality. I can feel that life has deepened me into that this summer.

Of course, I am the one who wants me humbled. I like myself far more humble and aligned with reality and life. I like myself when I am not so much in my own way. When life – and the natural kindness and intelligence that’s here and in all beings – can flow more unhindered from hangups, identifications, and so on.

Outing and friend

I took the train to Nydalen this morning to visit the cabin shop there and get info about a solar power system (upgrade to the existing one from the early ’90s) and – it turned out – advice to clean the igniter for the gas powered fridge from the ’70s.

Then, took the T-bane to the university area, and spent 2-3 hours in Sogn Hagekoloni, a small community of tiny houses and gardens where workers in the early 1900s could experience a more rural life and grow food. I love the old-fashioned gardens with fruit trees, berry bushes, and flowers.

While there, I remembered that my friend Anders J. from school (grade 1-12) works at the nearby hospital, and we had talked about meeting one day this week after work. I contacted him, he said yes, and we met up at 4pm and went to a café in one of the university buildings. We had a long and good conversation sitting outside in the late afternoon/early evening sun. It must be a little over 30 years since we last met in person.

After that, T-bane back to Nydalen and I got a few things for the cabin – to clean the ignition system of the fridge, fix a lid for the boat, and replace a pillow and sheet.

I didn’t have any plans for today, apart from the cabin shop, so I just followed my guidance for the next steps and it worked out well, likely far better than if I had tried to plan it all out.

The conversation with AJ

A few things came up during this conversation:

I wondered why I had apparently never asked him to come with us to the cabin. I invited other school mates but not him. Maybe I was not a very good friend? Maybe it’s because I wanted to be cool, so I tried to invite more cool kids? I was very misguided in that way, and it came from family dynamics and trying to deal with my own fear of rejection etc.

He settled for a normal life (he called it A4) and didn’t try to shoot for the stars. I have always admired him for that. He has relatively normal job, and he probably could have been more ambitious considering his intelligence and abilities. I wish I had a little more of that in some ways. My life is, especially now, far more unconventional, unpredictable, and topsy turvy.

He told me things about some old class mates I didn’t know. Including one (Torkjell G) who I did invite to the cabin now and then who apparently struggled a lot with alcohol during and after school (I didn’t know) and ended up dead in a prison cell in 2011. And a girl (AHH) I was smitten with in elementary school who now has trouble with drugs/pills. And, of course, several who have a normal life with family, work, and children.

Wednesday August 19, 2026

Dream

It’s a slightly authoritarian society, and the education for children and teens is formal, restricted, and boring and does not give good results. The elders blame the children. I show them that with a simpler system based on experimentation and real-world feedback, the students are engaged, become interested, and learn much more.

This has been a topic lately. In this case, a slightly authoritarian society has an educational system that doesn’t work, and they blame the children instead of examining their own approach. I show that a system that’s simpler, encourages experimentation, and where the kids learn through real-life feedback, is more effective and they are more engaged and interested.

My own inner young parts may be restricted in this way, through authoritarian systems learned from family, school, and society. And I can invite them to be more free, to experiment, and learn through feedback in real life.

Follow my guidance step-by-step

Yesterday, I had only one thing on my list and that was to check out the cabin shop and get info about solar panels, batteries, and so on, and possibly a few other things for the cabin. After that, I left it open. I honestly didn’t know what to do after, and walked to the subway station to see if something would be more clear. After some minutes there, I decided to take the subway to the university. On the train, I decided to get off one station sooner than I thought I would, again following my inner guidance. There, I saw the entrance to Sogn hagekoloni and decided to check it out. I spent 2-3 hours there, walking around and reading on a bench. There, I remembered that I had talked with a friend from school, AJ, about meeting up this week so I sent him a message. We decided to meet in that area after he was done at work.

This is how my life is in general right now. I know the next step, more or less, but not much more than that. I have to just follow my guidance, and that guidance usually only comes in the situation or shortly before I need to make a decision. That’s OK.

I know that when I follow my guidance, it works out. And when I try to force something, it gets complicated.

That has been a big part of the challenge with the project in the Andes. Two others are involved, and they don’t live in this way. They tend to want to force something, often even without having enough information or having through it through.

I should also mention that when I talk about following my guidance, it does NOT mean to not gather information. I tend to gather a lot of information and think scenarios through, sometimes decades into the future. And then I wait for my guidance to show the way.

Copyright claim

To the owner of https://absentofi.org/, Google has been notified that your site allegedly infringes upon the copyrights of others, and violates applicable copyright laws in your region.

I received a notice from Google informing me that they are going to take action against my site (remove from the search listings) due to a copyright infringement. The page they referred to is my review of Lunana: a yak in the classroom where I included the trailer for the movie.

After a bit more searching, it became clear that someone with the user name of Lunana on social media had filed a copyright claim against a long list of sites, most of of which references Lunana the movie which has nothing to do with this social media person.

It seems that someone has used a mindless bot to search on that name, without considering that there is also a move with that name, and probably others who use that name independent of this person. It’s lazy and, if I am honest, seems a bit bizarre. It’s an example of how laziness pushes work onto other people, in this case all the people who now have to file a counter-claim with Google, including me.

Music I have listened to through the years

As part of my slightly odd archival project, I made an article about music I have listened to through the years. It got much longer than I planned, but I’ll keep it like that. I have a lot of favorites! And I left a lot out.

Thursday August 20

I spent some time in the morning on the music article from yesterday, mainly splitting it in two and expanding the categories part. Then, I went outside and sat on a bench reading (a book from Amritapuri), doing some Vortex Healing protocol work for myself (tuning up the brain/CNC), and drawing.

I went back sooner than I otherwise would because of an online meeting with Maria, the architect, and my father-in-law and wife/ex. It’s about a guest house that I found the location and made the initial designs for, although it will be my father-in-law’s house and used by him and my ex. The meeting was canceled due to technical problems for my father-in-law (often happens), and they rescheduled for next week at a time that excludes me.

I went to bed early. Very tired. My friend AR called, as we had planned but much later, so I was not in good shape for a conversation. Still nice to connect, but I am concerned she will be less interested to talk in the future based on my very limited contributions to that conversation.

Friday August 21

Sadness

I woke up feeling sad. It started after the failed meeting yesterday related to our project in the Andes, especially when they rescheduled it at a time very difficult for me. (Very late at night, long after I go to sleep.)

I feel sad for many things – all the problems so far, the divorce, my father-in-law’s unpredictability (he is an alcoholic), and the heat there. The heat is due to El Niño, but it will get hotter and likely dryer due to climate change. Right now, it’s up to 37 degrees from what I have been told. Normally, it’s ten degrees less. If it’s in the 30s, it’s too hot for me. I can’t function. My body needs to spend its limited resources to deal with the heat, which leaves very little for anything else.

I feel sad for the massive derailing of my life in my late twenties which I have never recovered from. I feel sad for all my dreams that never happened, including having children and a family of my own. I feel sad for my dreams of community that similarly never happened.

I feel sad for having very little money. Even my currently extremely simple and limited life in Norway costs more than my income. How is that going to work?

Afternoon & evening – TRE, Wikipedia

I went to have lunch with MK at her apartment in Grünerløkka, and then showed her TRE. It was a nice shift in my mood (although sadness is fine and has its place too). Then to the local library and a chai and croissant at the Dapper café.

Back home, a long conversation with AL and then looking at sources for my father’s Wikipedia article. I used Nasjonalbiblioteket’s online publication database, which is excellent, and am ready to edit the article now and plan on doing it tomorrow morning.

After writing the articles on the music I have listened to and am listening to, I have felt it’s pretty narrow so I have sought out and listened to other kinds of playlists on Spotify today. Right now, I am listening to an Anatolian psychedelic rock & funk playlist which is fun. I want to expand further.

Saturday August 22

Interrupted sleep

I woke up a few times as usual from slamming/closing doors. I suspect that some neighbors may be up at night and not be very careful about closing doors. I also know that my friend has insomnia and is up now and then. She is more careful about closing doors, but it’s still enough to wake me up. It’s more about how the sound travels in this building.

Dream: Intruders

I am at my parents’ house after they are gone. A man and a woman walk by and then get interested in the house. They want to rob it. Then, more vicious criminals arrive. People don’t take it seriously and the situation is very dangerous.

This reflects some concerns I have in waking life – about my things stored here in Norway and the houses and project in the Andes. It all feels quite precarious.

It must also reflect something in me. There are intruders among my inner community. Those concerns can even be seen as intruders by other parts of me, and I have also explored parts of me that wants to hamper my life so I can stay more invisible and “safe” and parts that looks like self-hatred, also here to protect me.

Wikipedia article

I updated my father’s Wikipedia article with sources found in Nasjonalbiblioteket’s online digitalized archive. There was a lot there! Including birding info from the 1950s.

I think the article is mostly good now, with just a few details I need to find sources for. I may do that at another time or see if someone else picks it up. I did not find those sources in the National library’s digital archive, but due to the volume I wasn’t able to go through everything in detail.

It was a delight to use the National Library archive! They have an excellent website and archive, and the search is simple, clear, intuitive, and functions as I expect.

Late summer

I tend to feel a bit sad in the late summer in Norway. It’s not so much about the weather. I sense it’s more the reminder of the cycles of nature and that everything comes to an end.

It may also be memories of going back to school as a kid or teenager. I loved learning and studying and was a good student. I did not love the culture in my class and the bullying – being frozen out, seeing others being frozen out, the hostile attitudes, wrecking a teacher, and so on. That was pretty awful. (As my friend AJ confirmed uninvited when we talked earlier this week.)

Afternoon delights

I went for a walk late morning, and found my usual bench by the artists studios and the river. I did more of a Vortex Healing protocol for the brain / nervous system. For reasons I’ll explain below, I left and got a coffee (unusual for me) at the (very nice) café at the Technical Museum, and then sat on a bench higher up the river to continue the protocol and do some drawing while channeling. After an hour or so, it started raining, I walked down along the river, found another bench sheltered by a tree, and continued with the drawing there for a while. Then, back home later in the afternoon.

I notice I am not at all back where I used to be with my drawing, and I think it’s not just that I am rusty technically, I think I am rusty in mentality. The drawing is a good mirror and invitation to find back to some of that spirit and confidence I used to have – perhaps both in drawing and life.

Afternoon troubles: annoyance / empathy **

As so often has happened when I have sat on that first bench, a man in a disability scooter (?) came shortly after I sat down and placed himself immediately behind me. It’s a big space, maybe 20-30 meters in diameter, so there is no reason for him to sit so close – well inside of the usual personal space people have in those settings. He usually starts drinking beer, burps and makes a lot of unpleasant noises, and he also started talking very loudly on the phone. In the past, I have dismissed it as just poor social antennas, but I am now starting to wonder if it’s not a deliberate strategy. I know he wants that bench for himself. I left after a few minutes and he immediately moved onto the bench.

It did bring up a surprising amount of discomfort and annoyance in me. Also, it brought up a dilemma. On the one hand, I want to take care of myself and remove myself from a weird and unpleasant situation. On the other hand, if he really is doing it intentionally, I don’t want to reward such behavior. In this case, I decided that taking care of myself takes priority.

Also, whatever the motivation is for his behavior, there are reasons for it. He may just have poor social intelligence, which may come from a difficult background and/or a life with disability. He may also do it intentionally, which would likely come from something similar. No matter what, it comes from a troubled background and mind.

Maybe he is very attached to that bench and it is the high point of his day. If so, it’s more than worth it for me to go somewhere else. The café and the bench up the river are very good alternatives, and there are also other options.

This is one of several recurrent situations on the theme of sharing space with others, consideration for others, taking up own space, understanding why others do what they do, and so on.

The importance of integration & catching up

After channeling for my nervous system (CNS/PNS) – optimizing, optimizing energy channels, etc. – I didn’t do very much integration and catch-ups. It started raining more heavily so I walked the few meters back to my apartment and forgot about it.

Later in the evening, I noticed the symptoms of my system getting disorganized – headache, feeling generally weird and unwell, dizzy, nausea, and so on. I did some VH catching up and it helped righten my system.

AI to search Vortex Healing files

I uploaded all relevant Vortex Healing files to ChatGPT and asked it to give me info about working on the brain and nervous system (CNS/PNS) and also clearing spaces. I specifically asked it to just give me the relevant paragraphs verbatim (and never summarize or paraphrase). It seems to be working very well. With literally dozens of files, this is a great help.

It’s not perfect. For instance, it does leave some things out, but I know and remember enough to ask it to look it up and include what’s left out.

Sunday August 23

A sunny day in late summer

I spent most of the day outside by the river – either walking along the river, sitting on one of four benches, or going to the café at the museum. It was a perfect day with sun, some clouds, and cool comfortable temperatures.

I read a local magazine that was surprisingly interesting, did more steps in the Vortex Healing protocol for the brain and rest of the nervous system, and also did some drawing and experimenting for a possible visual project.

This is the music I listened to for some of the time today. It’s one of the personalized Spotify daily mixes that I made into a fixed playlist.

Monday, August 24

Rest

I didn’t sleep until late last night, and didn’t get much rest this morning either. Still a lot of activity and sounds at night and early morning. I guess someone is up, or maybe has trouble sleeping, and that spreads.

It’s a little ironic that for some years, in the early 2010s, I had very poor sleep because of what was happening with my system, and now that I sleep very well in a quiet place, I am still unable to because of disruptions.

River

Another beautiful day of walking along the river and sitting on a bench channeling for myself (VH protocol for the CNS/PNS) and doing some drawing. Sunny with some clouds and enjoyable temperatures.

Conversations

I talked with JH and AL in the late afternoon/early evening.

I mentioned to JH that I feel I am in a transition phase, which I of course am. Some big pieces of my life came to the end over the last year, and I don’t yet quite know what’s next.

Articles

I am working on some articles. One on how healthy ecosystems are more resilient, and that makes us more resilient. One on my relationship with AI. And one is a compilation article on energy drawings from about three decades, which is part of a project I have of filling in missing autobiographical articles here.

In general, I notice it feels right to put a little more effort into each article now.

Coffee

Since my teens, herbal and spice teas has been my regular drink. I never make regular tea or coffee for myself, although I will have it if offered and it’s the easiest for the other. I also often get a chai latte if I am at a café.

For whatever reason (mostly because it’s much less expensive than the chai!), I got a coffee at the museum café nearby a few days ago. I then got coffee the two following days as well. And that seems to have been enough to trigger the early signs of an addiction: Seeing images of getting and drinking a coffee there. Wanting the feeling it gave me. Looking forward to and planning to get another. And so on.

I also notice that even if I have it in the morning, it still makes it difficult for me to sleep at night.

Fortunately, the museum and café was closed today, and I am not going to get another for a while. It’s not worth it. I am not interested in the addiction, the wiredness, or the impact on my sleep it apparently has.

Personality match with other species

In a conversation with HRH this morning, I mentioned how personality match is as important with other species as with humans. I have had two experiences of an amazing match with two cats – one in Wisconsin and the other in Colombia. One that was not such a good match, but we were still friends – in Oregon. And the same with some dogs.

I assume all living beings have a personality, including mice and ants or maybe also amoeba. And I assume personality match is a part of life for all of us and important to all of us.

Computer-edited self-portrait from the 80s

I also came across this self portrait from the 80s, created on my Amiga and with a connected digital camera. This is one of a series but I don’t have access to the rest, at least not here.

Tuesday August 25

Malvin

My friend HRH is away for the day so I am officially Malvin’s companion today. We went out in the morning and spent some time by the river. It’s another beautiful and sunny day with a few clouds.

I am taking the opportunity to wash clothes, clean the floor, take out the compost and recycling, and so on.

Brain flush & CFS

I saw a study this morning where they had found that people with CFS/ME also had impaired glymphatic function AKA the brain flushing that happens mostly during deep sleep.

It’s not surprising. CFS/ME seems to be associated with a lot of different disruptions. This is likely one of many expressions of CFS/ME, and one of several mechanisms causing brain fog.

I looked up Vortex Healing protocols for the brain flush, which seems to mainly involve optimizing and Energetic Intervention. This morning, while out with Malvin, I optimized the glymphatic function for just a few minutes and it seemed to have a big effect on me. It felt like a strong full session, and I have needed to do a lot of catching up later today. I felt very dizzy after.

The article: Disrupted glymphatic function and its relationship with sleep and cognitive impairment in ME/CFS assessed via DTI-ALPS

Wednesday August 26

The day

I went out in the morning for two or three hours, walked along the river, sat on the bench by the art studios, and did a combination of Vortex Healing for my brain (following a protocol) and some family history.

I felt very dizzy afterwards and then extremely tired/sleepy in the afternoon. I am pretty sure it’s because of the channeling. The usual catching up (CNS/PNS, harmonics, grid) didn’t seem to do so much, which means there is something else that needs to be caught up and/or optimized. I did some optimization in the afternoon which seemed to help.

Family history

My father was interested in family history and did some research through books and the usual types of documents. I helped him a bit now and then.

Now that I finally have a little time, it’s been interesting to look at what I have and what more info I can find. I am using ChatGPT for some of this, as an assistant, and it seems helpful. Of course, it can also introduce mistakes so it all needs to be checked in the sources.

I am also learning a few more details about the war history of my family, including my Nazi grandfather who went to a labor camp after the war, and a close uncle of my mother who was a resistance man and was tortured and killed by the Germans. He was the skipper of the boat from the book and movie Nine Lives. I have the official documents for my grandfather, and asked a library in London for the SEO files on my mother’s uncle. I should receive those within a few days.

Sleep

I am tired because of lack of sleep. There is just too many sounds waking me up at night, mainly or exclusively doors slamming. My head is right next to a kitchen wall so any cabinet doors that are closed here or by neighbors (upstairs and/or downstairs, or next door in a mirror apartment?) sounds like someone banging on the wall 20cm from my head. I usually wake up in a kind of shock. It seems that the sounds and vibrations from regular doors are also transmitted to that wall and my room, so I wake up from those too. It’s a blessing the times I can sleep on the sofa in the living room. There, I can sleep through the night even without anything in my ears. It’s amazing what a difference just a few meters distance makes.

Of course, this ties back to my traumas related to sound from childhood and early/mid-teens. Also, somewhere in me, I take the sounds as dangerous. That’s why they are distressing to me.

Passion

I loved Passion (Music for The Last Temptation of Christ) by Peter Gabriel when it came out in 1989. I listened to it a lot, along with Rosensfole and others. I just started listening to it again today and like it just about as much now.

Family history update: Gunder Andersen Luren

On my father’s side, we can trace our family back until the 1500s and earlier through most lineages except one that stopped in the 1700s. We found the marriage of Gunder Andersen Luren and his wife, but not his birth or anything about his parents. This was something my father had worked on, we had conversation about, and I had looked into it as well.

Tonight, I finally had a breakthrough. I found his baptism records in Askim for October 7. 1764. The reason we had not found it before is that it was not recorded where you would expect in the church records book for that year. This new information means we have a good chance of finding more info about the family.

It’s also a little sad. This is normally something I would have shared with two people: My father and GK – another relative I liked a lot (active in the Green Party etc.). My father died in April, and my other relative and friend died in May last year in an accident while cycling around the world. (He fell off a bridge in Asia.) Now, I don’t really have anyone to share this with who would be interested.

Thursday August 27

Good rest

I had a good night’s sleep and feel more rested and refreshed. I know I had a family/community-oriented dream related to finding more info about my ancestor the night before but can’t remember the details.

Tying up loose ends

I am tying up many loose ends in my life these days, mostly through smaller projects. Most of it are things that’s been on my old to-do lists and in the back of my mind. Some of it also involves reconnecting with old friends like AJ from school.

Music for today

Thursday August 27

Frognerparken lunch

Another beautiful late-summer day, although it felt slightly humid.

Around noon, I went to Frognerparken for lunch with VS. He is a Norwegian I know via the Zen center in Salt Lake City. He came there after I had left, and I didn’t meet him on my return visits in the 2000s. We initially met in San Francisco in the late 2000s/early 2010s when he lived there and we have had some contact since. He stayed within the tradition and is now a full Zen teacher (along with several others I know from that time).

He also has some interest in the evolution of civilization and so on so we had some conversations about that. Seems he got into it relatively recently, and I got into it in the ’80s so it’s interesting to notice some differences just from the length of time we have been exploring the topics. He has much more of a youthful enthusiasm and desire to share. Since I have been unable to read much or take in much info since my CFS dramatically worsened ca. 2008, he is also much more updated than I am.

One thing I am curious about is that he seems focused on patriarchy and those who seem to think men are the problem instead of systems. I haven’t really encountered that, and also don’t see it as worth bothering with.

He also seemed to think that’s feminism. For me, feminism is just valuing woman as much as men. I have seen myself as a feminist since my early or mid teens. I also love woke. I know the far right is doing their best to discredit both, and many on the left seem to adopt the far-right distorted presentation of feminism and woke. I don’t. I stick with the original and real definitions.

Friday August 28

Finally some rest

My house-mate was gone last night so I was able to sleep on the sofa on the living room for one night. I finally got some rest I desperately needed. I also have PEM from yesterday – with headache and nausea as signs I am at the edge of doing too much – so need to rest.

My food

A friend, HRH, asked me about what food I eat. It’s mostly simple and nourishing foods.

Mainly, fruits, vegetables, and some grain (mostly quinoa), and also nuts, seeds, and berries.

For breakfast, sometimes a delicious oatmeal porridge cooked with fruit (for instance, mango or apples), coconut flakes, and a seed mix, and with berries (often blueberries or a forest berry mix) and cinnamon on top.

My main meal is mid-day. In warm weather or climate, often a quinoa salad: Spinach, red pepper, other vegetables, seed mix, feta cheese, olive oil, and spices, on top of quinoa (smoked red pepper, chili, etc.).

Otherwise, I often snack on nuts, carrots, fruits, some dark chocolate, and so on.

I minimize wheat, dairy, and sugar since they don’t work well with my body health. Although sometimes, it’s fine in small amounts.

I also don’t eat much meat. That’s mostly if someone else cooks since I also won’t say no to it.

I drink a lot of herbal and/or spice teas through the day, mostly the first part of the day. Sometimes also lemon water, either hot or cold. I have started to have a coffee on rare occasions.

In general, it’s about amount for me. I don’t exclude anything completely, and there are things I eat a lot and other things I minimize or reserve for special occasion.

Back in my room

I am back in my room for resting since my housemate is back, although there isn’t much rest to get here. There is a constant and very loud banging in the wall right next to my head – from my housemate in the kitchen and from neighbors during the day and night. It’s frequent enough so real rest – or even sleep – is difficult.

The friend I am staying with will be away for most of September, so I had been looking forward to sleeping on the sofa. It had been a lifeline for me. Today, she told me that someone will stay here during that time, so I’ll lose that reprieve.

Deaths

There has been a lot of death in my life over the last couple of years. Our beloved cat died a couple of years ago in pretty awful circumstances. Then, in May last year, two friends in Norway died (GK and TN). A year ago, my mother died, and half a year ago, my father. When I was in England, the closest friend of EU committed suicide just before I came to visit, and yesterday, one of the closest friends of AL – who was also a friend of mine – took his own life.

The death of a king

King Harald of Norway died this morning, after a long and rich life. I like that he spoke up for inclusivity and kindness, and his son, the new king, will likely do the same.

I am curious that some seem to have a strong reactions to his death, and the death of public figures in general. After all, they didn’t know him in person, and he didn’t even know they existed. One reason is likely our innate wiring for empathy and connection which is activated by modern media.

I am also curious about why we allow a system where some are born into a role and experience a lot of pressure to fulfill that role – whether it suits them or not and whether they want it or not.

The music for today: Passion

Saturday August 29

Dream: Tantric sex

I am going to a kind of community center to talk with a teacher, and end up in a room where they have a tantric sex workshop. The participants are practicing with each other. I am impressed by and drawn to the freedom and ordinariness of it.

As the last sentence says, I am drawn to the freedom and ordinariness of it. It’s free of the shoulds and norms of society. The participants are free to explore their own sensuality and pleasure with each other, and it’s simple and ordinary.

River & café

A slightly cool and rainy day. I walked along the river and sat on a bench by the river for a while, and then discovered that what I thought was a fancy restaurant is, in reality, a nice café. I sat there for a couple of hours in the early afternoon, reading and writing a bit and resolving a couple of smaller things. It was an enjoyable and very nice first half of the day.

The death of a friend

The death of our friend in Colombia is sinking in more. Yesterday, it was mostly a shock.

I saw a news article with photos of him covered on the ground, blurred. He took his own life in a public space. Those photos made it more real and hit me hard.

He was a kind, intelligent, compassionate, caring, and engaged man. He even helped me out when he didn’t have to. (He was a lawyer and helped me when the architects sued us for no reason at all, other than trying to intimidate us – after the roof collapsed and a third-party report found them at fault.)

He was also troubled with a bipolar diagnosis and maybe other things going on. Human life can be confusing, troubling, and immensely difficult. Mostly because of how our mind can get twisted into a knot trying to deal with it all.

A kind, troubled man who eventually found it all too much.

Thanking the part of me that creates/ wants illness **

I am as rich as the world, and some parts of me want me to be sick. They want the CFS/ME, the fatigue, and the brain fog.

They want to protect me. They want me to withdraw from risk and dangerous situations, and hide, rest, not be visible, and so on. (They are many parts, and they are one more general part with many aspects.)

I am connecting with that part of me. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me.

I also want to have a dialog with this part of me. Get to know it, listen to what it has to say, and see how we can be more of a team and work together.

Death & my own pre-incarnation memory **

As a child, I had flashbacks to before this incarnation, as I have described in other articles. That colors how I see death. I don’t assume everyone goes there, to that exact place and experience, but I have no doubt that the consciousness we are continues and the content of experience continues. And even that’s not exactly right. At one level, I am open and agnostic and see it as an area of research, and at a more visceral level there is that knowing from experience.

And whatever happens, however this content of experience changes, none of that is really what I am. I am what forms itself into that content. I assume it’s that way for others as well. Their content of experience changes, and they are not essentially any of it.

Conversations

In the evening, had a good conversation with KL (Marin) and later JL (Bergen). KL recommended a book. JL is starting a new life with a baby, marriage, and new house.

Sunday August 30

Intense movement as a way to manage stress

We all have strategies to manage stress, discomfort, and maybe our wounds and traumas.

Some seem to use intense movement, often in specific situations. They move and talk gently in most situations, and in others, move as if possessed. I have known a few like that, and for whatever reason, it seems to typically happen in the kitchen and while cleaning.

My friend I am living with seems to be like that. She is deeply into mindfulness, yoga, and so on, and yet, when it comes to the kitchen or household activities, it’s as if she becomes a different person. It’s as if she becomes possessed, and she moves fast and with a lot of noise.

This is challenging for me. It activates my own wounds and traumas and I often feel overwhelmed when it happens. That’s also because the thin wall next to my head in my bed is shared with the kitchen, so any slamming of kitchen cabinet doors is like someone is hitting a fist in the wall right next to my head. It’s a bit of a nightmare. (She is also here the whole day so there is rarely a reprieve.)

What she is doing is not wrong. The way I am experiencing it is not wrong. And yet, the combination is almost unbearable to me.

It also gets worse because somewhere in me, I think it’s so unnecessary. It’s easy to do these things without making much noise. I do it. I have done that my whole life. And yet, for her, it is maybe necessary. For her, it may even feel like a matter of life and death to do it that way, as it sometimes can when we have our ways to deal with trauma.

The day

I woke up from a loud bang around 2am and it took a while to sleep again, and was also woken up again.

I rested in bed in the morning, channeling VH for myself – mostly to optimize energy channels and organs, to repair the damage from the Epstein-Barr virus, and for whatever my system needs for healing.

Went out and sat on a bench by the museum. It’s more peaceful on a Sunday. Did some more channeling. Then to the café/restaurant I “discovered” the other day (I had known about it but thought it wasn’t for me) and, which is very unusual for me, had a pizza. It was actually quite good for a pizza with thin crunchy crust and a good layer of greens on top.

Note: The screenshots are from a couple of the protocols I have been working my way through over the last several days, a little most days.

The death of our friend

AL called from the airport in Buenos Aires. We talked about the death of our friend CIH. She had been very close with him so told me more. His mental health had declined over the last year to the point where his personality completely changed and he had become threatening and violent towards three women, including AL. They all had to get a restraining order on him. I had only heard some of this since I have been away during that time. He took his life by leaping from a tall community building – called, of all things, the house of joy – in the neighborhood where his ex and son lives.

His other side – which is how I knew him – was as kind, funny, intelligent, engaged, and generous. He had been involved with a long list of community organizations and projects and often lent his free services as a lawyer – working on conflict resolution, water issues, animal welfare, and much more.

When I first met him, he was reading philosophy under a tree in Guane, which was also him in a nutshell.

It’s a complex situation, although also understandable. This was a kind, intelligent, and engaged man who also had trauma and serious mental diseases.

When I first learned about his death on Thursday, it was mostly a shock. Yesterday and today, it has hit me more, also because I read more new stories about him and what happened, and also looked a bit at his writings online.

Today’s music

I didn’t listen to music very much today, but some from -M- / Matthieu Chedid.

Monday August 31

The morning

It’s the last day of August already and the weather has definitely shifted towards typical fall weather in Oslo – cooler and more rain.

I must have slept a lot. I slept off and on last evening, then through the night without waking up too much. I still feel sleepy. It may be because of all the channeling I have done for myself, possibly in combination of inevitable processing from the death of CIH, our troubled friend.

It’s all true

I also notice how it’s all true. He was kind, intelligent, fun, engaged. He was troubled and eventually violent. His death is a tragedy and relief. It’s a loss for those near him and the world, and easier.

The human side of it is true, and also the consciousness side. He had a complex, messy, beautiful, tragic human life. I have a mix of human reactions. Also, to me, it’s all happening within and as this awake space I essentially am. To him, his life and world very likely happened within the awake space he was (possibly is), whether that awake space noticed it or not.

I remember life before this incarnation, and people with NDEs describe something similar, so it’s possible – or likely – that the consciousness he is continues, and the dynamics and patterns of his human life also continues in some way.

All of it is true. All of it is here. It’s all here in a visceral way. I guess that’s a kind of lived non-duality. Life is one. Our experience is one. And sometimes that oneness notices itself in a lived and visceral way.

Afternoon

I had lunch at home with HRH, my friend I am staying with. An interesting conversation about how different people need different approaches for healing in different circumstances and for different purposes.

Then out by the river in the sun. I read through some Vortex Healing information and protocols but didn’t channel too much today. I feel my system needs some rest. A long conversation with AL who left Argentina yesterday and is now staying with her mum.

Evening

I went to bed early as I so often need to do these days. Rested. Slept a bit. Listened to an NDE interview. Watched some Jet Lag the Game (easy and fun and get to see a bit of the world) and have channeled a bit for myself. Puja for health, energizing, optimizing energy channels, and optimizing liver and kidneys.