Oslo Journal September 2026

This is a continuation of the journals I started when I went to Amritapuri in December and continued in London and Oslo. As usual, it will be as much a journal of my inner world as my outer. Follow the journal tag to see more articles in this series.

Tuesday September 1

Dream: War & two options for engagement

A war is starting, similar to WW2. I am called in to service in Norway, but just to work on design and overseeing production of bikes. I am also called in by Russia/Soviet Union to fight nazi Germans in several successive locations. I have a Russian passport since I am married to a Russian. Since I am in Norway, I can get out of it by not going to Russia or any communist country. I have CFS so I know I wouldn’t be able to be a soldier anyway, but I can do the bike service. It’s very clear that this is all happening within and as the divine. It’s the divine exploring itself in all of these ways.

Hm, in the dream I am me as I am now and also somehow at the beginning of a war similar to WW2. I have two passports and chose between two ways to get engaged. One is violent, destructive, and impossible for me because of my health. The other is simple, local, constructive, and something I can do. Throughout the dream, it’s clear that this is all the divine exploring itself in these ways.

That choice, which seems very obvious, may be the essence of the dream. Choose something that simple, sustainable, local, somewhat creative, not too demanding or ambitious, and something I can do within my health limitations.

Note: In the dream, Norway was not occupied by anyone. Also, I am not married to a Russian in waking life!

The day – mirroring the dream

Another day with not much spare energy. I rested in the morning and early afternoon, and went for a walk mid-afternoon. I walked up along the river to the lake – Maridalsvannet, and then along the lake a bit and also into the forest there. I found a bench overlooking the lake and did a nourishing Vortex Healing protocol for myself which felt good.

Without noticing, I followed the dream from this morning. I did something local, less ambitious and within my resources. I could have “gone to war” with my circumstances and tried to do something beyond my resources – either by going somewhere further away or doing a more ambitious project here. Just like in the dream, it wasn’t much of a choice. I didn’t even consider the second option.

When I am exhausted like today, it tends to be reflected in my images too. I feel they lack the little extra, the spark, and that’s OK.

Wednesday September 2

Dream: Losing my rest & things

I have stayed in my childhood home to get it ready for sale, and am now in a hostel for a few days in a nearby town for some kind of event. I have a room and my own down pillow, wool travel mattress, and so on. As I return for the evening, my things are gone and I am placed in a large room with a lot of people. I am trying to find my things but it’s late and most people are asleep. For a while, I try to find my things and find a place to sleep but with no luck. I then realize I still have the option of sleeping in my childhood home since it’s still there, even if there is some travel distance.

This reflects some of my waking life situations and concerns.

I feel uneasy about going back to my place in the Andes for several reasons – including that the roof of our house collapsed less than two years after it was built. It happened in the middle of the night and almost killed us, and the roof needs to be replaced and much of the house rebuilt. (A third party investigation found the architects and builder responsible, but they have used a strategy of deny and attack from the first moment. The architects sued us in a strategy of intimidation.) It’s also very hot there now due to El Niño. And other things makes the situation there complicated.

My childhood home here in Norway, which had been my base when I was in Norway, was sold a year ago. I am staying with a friend in Oslo which is a blessing, although also challenging at time because of my sound sensitivity and noise. Last night, slamming doors woke me up three or four times, even with best quality earplugs, and it takes a long time for me to fall asleep again. For the last several weeks, there has also been noisy repair work done immediately outside of my room. I desperately need rest due to my health and CFS.

I have things in storage with my brother which is also a blessing, but he is chaotic and careless and much of it is already damaged.

I have a cabin I can stay at, but I am unable to drive due to the CFS/brain fog, and it’s not possible to access it without a car. (The road to the cabin requires special permit so I can’t even use a taxi.) I also dread being there since the neighbor installed a very noisy water pump which he placed right next to our cabin and far away from his own.

So my situation is similar to the dream. I feel homeless and without any place to rest. I have also lost many physical things, including – since the roof is still collapsed – the house in the Andes.

Things coming up?

I have worked systematically with Vortex Healing protocols for myself over the last several days, and that tends to bring up a lot of old unprocessed material in my system. What’s unfelt comes up to be felt, what’s unloved comes up to be loved, what’s unexamined comes up to be examined, and so on.

I have been unusually sleepy and tired for a few days, with the exception of a few hours in the late afternoon. Sleepiness is actually a good sign, it’s better than exhaustion. I have had grief, hopelessness and more come up, especially when I wake up. It may be related to all the VH work I have done on myself.

What comes up is in and from my system, and the reason it comes up may be a combination of the VH and perhaps life circumstances. I am not in an easy situation right now. My life is uncertain, and my health makes everything more difficult. For me, the fall is also a time where I often feel a bit sad and reflective. I love spring and summer, and also the winter if we have snow, and although fall is beautiful, it tends to bring up melancholy in me.

I have grief come up of everything I have been unable to do from a combination of health challenges and one major life decision (years ago) that I feel derailed my life.

And I’ll need to make some decisions about next steps this fall. I need to go back to Barichara and figure out what’s going to happen with me and the land there. I would like to return to Amritapuri but am concerned about the noise and my health. The possibility of going to a Zen center in Europe is also there, at least for a while. In some ways, I am back where I was last year with some of the same options and decisions to make.

That said, I did the VH protocol for “tuning up the body with structures” yesterday, and it feels very good. My system feels more whole, full, and nourished. The sleepiness and grief, hopelessness etc. is here too, although it will lift when I go for my walk in the late morning/afternoon. And it’s OK if it’s here. It’s part of the human experience and, more to the point, the experience of this human.

Choosing bike shop over going to Russia to fight

The image from my dream yesterday has turned out to be helpful for me.

I am going to the cabin tomorrow with HRH. Another friend of mine (MJ) has the main seat of the boat (with the idea of making a new one). I had planned to go by his place tomorrow to pick it up, with the hope that he would just trace it on paper to get the shape and size for making the new seat. He doesn’t want to do that and says it would be an extra step he doesn’t want to make. This means I would have to pick it up, bring it to the cabin, carry it down to the boat (it’s heavy), and then bring it up again and to his place. I felt overwhelmed by that thought.

I realized that this is like going to Russia to fight in the war. Instead, I chose the bike shop option which is to leave that whole project and for HRH to sit in another place in the boat. It’s not ideal but it works for a 5-10 minute rowing trip. (Of course, the ideal would be if MJ would make a trace, but since he doesn’t want to, this is the second best option.)

River & café

I walked along the river, sat on a bench, and went to the new-to-me café again this afternoon. Today, I mostly did inquiry on my reaction to noise and also of feeling unsupported growing up. I did a few different types of inquiry, and didn’t complete either of those processes so I notice there is some rawness and vulnerability coming up which is fine. (Sense fields inquiry, The Work of Byron Katie, dialog, and dialog with the others as healed, mature, and awake.) I plan on continuing these.

Thursday September 3

The cabin

I went to the cabin in Østmarka with HRH for the day. It was an enjoyable trip.

Fortunately, I was able to do the essentials I had planned for today. I removed the leaves behind the cabin. (They hold moisture which can damage the wood.) I emptied the lower outhouse / composting toilet and opened it for use, and closed off the upper outhouse/ composting toilet. (Emptying it was much easier than I had built it up to in my mind!) I removed a tree the beavers had felled that had fallen on top of the roof of the wood shed. (The beavers have been busy and have cut down several birch trees around the cabin, which is OK.) And I did some cleaning inside and outside of the cabin.

There are several smaller projects still to be done: Fixing the boat seats (well on the way) and sand and treat the oars (still to be done). Fixing the deck. (More complicated than it looks so I need to develop a plan.) Paint/tar the south walls of the cabin and the wood shed. Organize the wood in the wood shed. (We dumped a lot of wood there 2-3 years ago.) Clean the ignition mechanism of the propane-powered fridge. Measure the wall for solar panels, and order and install the system (panels, battery, inverter, cables). Eventually also, paint the floors and the kitchen walls, ceiling, and floor.

I need to get a magazine with pictures from the upcoming coronation to put on the wall of the lower outhouse/ composting toilet! The upstairs one has magazine photos from the previous one in 1991. In the past, people used pages from newspaper and magazines as toilet paper. If the pages had images of the royal family, they would put them on the wall instead of using them like the other pages, and that’s now a tradition. I like that it’s both respectful and slightly naughty at the same time.

The cabin has been somewhat neglected the last 2-3 years since there has been so much else happening. I haven’t been there for two years apart from three short day trips. In the ears before, I would spend weeks and months there at a time.

Friday September 4

Night

My system had to mobilize quite a bit for yesterday, and felt disorganized when I went to bed – early. I spent some time catching up and optimizing (Vortex Healing) which helped. I had a mostly good sleep, although woke up several times.

Straw man arguments

I woke up remembering my conversation with VS last week. He is interested in much the same as me, but with a seemlingly different starting point. From what he said, his starting points – including for articles he is writing – is that feminists hate/ blame men, and that nobody combines an interest in power over/power with and the axis time philosophies. These are partly my words, and I realize I need to ask him more questions to really understand what he means.

For me, with my impression from our conversation, it seems he is using something close to straw man arguments. Feminism is about equal value and opportunities for men and women. Also, many people explore power over/power with in combination with Buddhism, Taoism, and other worldviews that came from the axis period. Fritjof Capra and Joanna Macy are just a couple that I have followed since my teens.

I have seen this many times. People who use a distorted presentation about something and argue against, or from, that distorted presentation. (Straw man arguments.) It’s unfortunate and a disservice to whatever topic they are discussing.

For instance, a friend of mine (MR) is a professor in regenerative agriculture, and seems to have an unhealthy obsession with permaculture. She presents permaculture as using the same set of plants everywhere and in any climate, and that it’s profoundly flawed for that reason. This is just about the opposite of what permaculture actually is. Permaculture is a set of design principles, and you apply those to your local conditions and with your local knowledge. We use permaculture principles at Finca Milagros, in combination with plants that work well in that specific climate – including natives as much as possible.

In some cases when people use straw man arguments, it seems to come from a combination of (a) not being very familiar with what they are talking about and (b) an emotional hangup.

Water & Finca Milagros

Because of El Niño in combination with other things, there is already a severe water shortage at Finca Milagros.

It has taken a very long time (more than two years) to get the rainwater collection tank for the big house installed and functional. It’s 95% there, but the contractor stopped just before finishing to work on other projects and we don’t know when he will be back.

We lost the rainwater collection system for the small house when a big part of the roof collapsed two years ago. I wanted to set up a temporary patch so we could still collect water from the remaining roof (it would just require some hoses etc.) but the contractor has been unwilling to do it.

We receive extra water from a spring. This water now goes into a pond, which is fine when we have enough water. I have long wanted to get a hose to the main water tank so it can go there in an emergency, but that has also not happened.

From the beginning, I have advocated for hardy native food producing plants, and a selection of hardy non-native food producers closer to the houses. The others, including our main garden guy (who is generally excellent and a blessing) have not taken this seriously. They have assumed we’ll always have enough water, while I have expected and known that water would be a problem in the future. Now, it is. The gardener says we can expect a lot of the plants to die in the coming months since they require extra watering, and we won’t be able to do it.

A lot of these problems are a combination of (a) me not having been there for 1.5 years, (b) others not taking the water situation seriously enough, (c) problems with contractors, and mainly (d) me not pushing hard enough even if I am in Norway and not there. The main problem is on the human side, not with El Niño.

I cannot really complain since I know I could and should have pushed harder for this and more to be done.

Higher cognitive functions, an expensive luxury

After coming back from the cabin yesterday, and also today, I notice that my system is generally OK but it’s withdrawing energy from higher cognitive functions. It’s difficult for me to think clearly, focus, and so on.

The bodymind has an amazing ability to adapt and adjust. In this case, it reserves energy for essential body functions and basic mental functioning. Since the energy reservoir is down, and there is not energy for everything, it pulls energy from executive cognitive functions. After all, those are the least important.

It’s interesting that in our Western culture, we value higher cognitive functions over anything else. And from the view out of bodymind, and survival, those are the least important. They are an expensive luxury.

Of course, that’s why it’s valued so highly in some cultures. It shows that other basic needs are sufficiently covered and there is enough leftover resources – in culture, society, and for certain individuals – to engage and explore those higher cognitive functions.

When it’s time to know

A few days ago, I talked with a friend (RW) in Oregon. She asked me if I have plans for the coming weeks or months, and I said I don’t really know. For now, I’ll stay here and then I’ll see. At some point, I’ll need to go back to our land in the Andes to take care of things there, ideally before February next year due to the visa.

I don’t really know where I’ll be in the longer term. There are no obvious options right now. The land in the Andes seems complicated, especially considering climate change. The Zen center in The Netherlands or Spain is an option, although I am not sure if I am cut out for that life anymore. (I used to love it.) Amritapuri would be amazing, but it was very hard on my body and health when I was there. (That may, of course, be different next time. Or not!)

She seemed uneasy about my not knowing, and started giving me options and pushing for them. That brought up some overwhelm in me, and it created a somewhat weird and uncomfortable dynamic.

I am familiar with not knowing. It’s not time to know yet. And at some point, something will present itself and the way forward – at least for the next weeks or months – will be clear. Before then, it’s not time to know yet.

In this situation, pushing won’t help. I can explore options, and that’s often quite helpful. I can get information and imagine myself in different scenarios and see how it feels. But to push for knowing doesn’t work. That’s just uncomfortable, confusing, and overwhelming.

Body-directed shaking

I often do some neurogenic/body-directed shaking, at least in periods. This is from TRE and it’s the natural in-built mechanism of the body, meant to release tension and stress in many different ways – through sharing, trembling, stretching, sounds, yawning, crying, and so on.

For me, it’s a kind of dialog between my conscious intentions and the responses from the body. I can intentionally start it, then the body responds with shaking/stretching etc., and can also consciously guide the shaking to different areas of the body – mostly through certain positions.

For instance, if I sit, the movement tends to go to the upper body, shoulders, and jaws. These days, I often use the last TRE position, lying on my back with my knees in 90 degree angle and lift my hips, and this too brings the shaking up the upper body to the shoulders, head, and jaw.

Today’s music

Saturday September 5

Dream: Buddhist retreat in Sweden or Russia

I am part of a Tibetan Buddhist community and we seem based in Denmark. We will have a retreat in Sweden or Russia. I am concerned about the second possibility because of the war and since I have posted articles about Russia on social media.

This dream was more rich and interesting when I was in it than it seems written down like this! I think it may be because I loved the community side of it. In waking life, I have been part of Tibetan Buddhist communities and have done a Tibetan Buddhist retreat in Denmark. Again, Russia is coming up as an unattractive option, just like the WW2 dream a few days ago.

I am part of a spiritual community I am aligned with, and I enjoy the community and practices. I am in Denmark, which I like. For the retreat, we have two options. One is Sweden, a country with safety and freedom. The other is Russia, an authoritarian and unpleasant option. I am surprised and feel a little hurt that they am even considering Russia since it would be difficult and possibly dangerous for people like me who have been openly critical of Putin and the war.

I can explore spirituality in an inner context that’s democratic or authoritarian context, partnership-based or domination-based. I have both in me.

In some ways, I got the partnership orientation from my father, and the domination orientation from my mother. In other ways, they were both partnership oriented (in most daily things), and they were both domination oriented (especially when they wanted to squash any questioning of unhealthy family dynamics). No wonder I have both in me.

Another side of this dream is that I feel endangered by the actions of others. They keep Russia as a real option without considering the danger to me and others. That mirrors some situations in waking life, and something corresponding in me.

Dream: Leprosy

A man with leprosy carelessly touches my hand. I am concerned I got it, and have a knowing I did.

In waking life, I have often felt I have been harmed by the carelessness of others. The architects and builders of our house in the Andes didn’t do their job and a big part of the roof fell down, almost killing us in our sleep. My brother is storing my things, but he is chaotic and careless and some is damaged.

In terms of my inner life, I have touched something exiled and untouchable in me. Over the last few days, I have spent time with myself as a child/young teenager in a very difficult situation. That situation, and the way I responded (overwhelm, stress, anxiety, tight) has, to some extent, been exiled in me. It’s been difficult to approach and touch, and I have preferred to keep it at a distance.

In this sense, I am very happy to have been infected. It means progress!

Today’s music

Today’s morning music. This one needs to be on shuffle!

Aliveness transmission

The main Vortex Healing teacher recommended that I channel Aliveness into all of my cells to help my system better process healing and awakening movements. I started in January, I think, and it definitely seems to help.

When futures collapse

Many times in my life, my future has collapsed, and it has happened in a particular way.

I can usually sense into the future and where it’s moving. If it’s moving somewhere, or there is an opening to something, a certain future feels solid and present. This is also a future that unfolds, unless I go against the natural movement and/or my own inner guidance.

Why would I do that? I sometimes prevent myself from following my clear inner guidance or what feels deeply right in life because of my wounds and traumas.

This means that these futures, which seemed so possible and felt deeply right, collapse, and the way it happens makes it more painful. The opportunity is there. The path is already manifest and laid out. My inner guidance says it’s right. It feels deeply right at a human level. And because of my wounds, I act so it falls apart.

This is what happened with my life in my 20s when I lived at the Zen center, was in a graduate program in clinical psychology, was deeply into art, and so on. All that collapsed because I went against my clear inner guidance on a major life decision. (I got married and moved to Wisconsin, which felt profoundly wrong. I felt that my whole life derailed and is still not back on track.)

It happened in a relationship that was everything I had dreamt of in the early 2010s. It was solid and moved along well, and at some point, I could see myself act so it got on a course where it would fall apart, which it then did.

It happened in the Bay Area when I was there just after, got two perfect jobs for me and an excellent place I could stay for very little money. The Bay Area felt profoundly right to me, and I always feel more alive there and meet a lot of likeminded people. (Which I rarely do other places.) Someone I knew in Europe had started a conversation with my spiritual mentor at the time, and they both got the idea that I should leave all of that. I did, even if it didn’t make any sense to me, and it ended up a disaster. (It made so little sense that I thought they must know something I didn’t, which turned out to not be the case. They were just misguided.)

It also seems to be happening now with the project in the Andes. I have felt deeply connected to that place and the land and the regeneration project. For instance, from the beginning of having our own house there, I had visions of myself there decades into the future, in that exact place, with much taller trees around and far more lush vegetation. It has felt real and exactly the way it does when it’s an actual future. It also seemed very possible for a long time. And now, it’s all falling apart.

In each of these cases, I see myself being passive acting on wounds and reactivity in order to put the situation on a path to collapse. Or I act on fears so I go against clear inner guidance. Or on wounded identities of not being good enough or something being too good for me.

In two cases, with the two relationships most important to me, they ended because I have been passive, when just a few words could have put them back on course. (Or I have been passive when we both wanted something more than friendship, so nothing happened and they moved on.)

In each case, I see it as it happens. I know it will break my heart and be devastating for me and my life, and I am unable to change it. I even know what I can do to put it back on track, which is sometimes something simple, and I am unable to do that.

If it falls apart because it doesn’t feel right, or for reasons outside of my control, it would likely be easier. But it’s especially tragic because it’s something that feels deeply right, my inner guidance is clear that it’s right, and I see myself acting to make it collapse (often by being passive), knowing it will be devastating for me.

It’s especially tragic that it keeps happening, and it feels like a downward spiral for my life.

Sunday September 6

Difficult day

A difficult day, physically and otherwise. I have been extremely fatigued with headache and nausea (PEM) and in bed the full day, and have also had a lot of grief and hopelessness come up. It’s difficult for me to see any good scenarios for my future with my health challenges, very limited income, and all the troubles with the situation around the land in the Andes.

Monday September 7

Ripple effects

I understand more why I am woken up at 2am and then through the night. My house-mate told me she wakes up at 2am with a lot of stress and anxiety. Also, the door from her room to the bathroom sticks so it makes a lot of sound when opened and closed, and it’s enough for me to wake up even if I use earplugs. I keep being woken up through the night for that reason. Last night, I got very little sleep.

If it’s quiet, I sleep well. And in this situation, I get almost no sleep.

It’s also difficult for me to rest or sleep during the day since the wall next to my head in my room is shared with the kitchen, so when cabinet doors are carelessly closed – which happens through the day – it sound like someone is hitting the wall right next to my head.

Losses

The last fifteen+ year has been a series of losses: My first marriage. Everything I owned. A relationship that was everything I had wished for. Several opportunities in several areas of life. My health. Over the last year, both of my parents, my childhood home, my second marriage, and quite possibly my dream project and land in the Andes which I profoundly love and where I had envisioned myself grow old. And much more.

What comes together falls apart, and for me, it seems to fall apart rapidly… as soon as it gets some traction, and sometimes before it even starts.

Right now, I feel lost. I don’t see my way forward. I would love community. I would love to be in nature and be involved in regeneration.

Not going with the groups I feel the most aligned with **

I notice a pattern in my life. I have often not taken the step to explore a romantic relationship with the women I have felt most resonance with and have been the most attracted to. And I have often not been fully involved with the groups I have felt the most aligned with.

For instance, I feel deeply aligned with Vækstsenteret in Denmark, and have only been there once, in the ’90s. I feel deeply aligned with Process Work / Process Oriented Psychology, did workshops regularly for twenty years, and lived not far from the main center located in Portland, Oregon, but I never pursued an official training through them – even if I easily could have and it would have been perfect for me. I absolutely love the Headless Way, and have talked with Richard Lang, taken a couple of workshops with him, and joined some Zoom meetings, but I have not gotten more involved. (I am not even sure why, since I resonate with it so deeply. Maybe it’s because it’s simple and I already have it with me in daily life.)

Instead, I have often been involved in relationship and with groups where there clearly was much less alignment.

I can see that pattern in my childhood. I did have some good friends and friends I was aligned with, and didn’t always value those friendships as much as I should have. I also tried to be friends with kids who were not so good friends and where there was not a good match.

Tuesday September 8

A dream

I am rearranging big pieces. A young man from a wealthy family is repeatedly diving into a pool.

Rearranging big pieces of my life is pretty self-explanatory.

The young man is repeatedly diving into water, into the emotions. That’s what I am doing these days. I go into emotions through connecting with me in challenging situations growing up and being with him (me at that time), being present, sharing, inviting a noticing of space, Big Mind, Big Heart, and so on. Inviting him to feel supported, encouraged, loved, and to find some trust.

What is the wealth? I guess maybe a wealth of experience in doing just that diving?

The day

A lot is still coming up for me – in my heart, grief, some primal fear, and so on. (it’s coming up from an unexpected and difficult loss in my life, and likely also because I have worked on my kidneys, liver, and chakras with Vortex Healing over a few days.) I didn’t sleep much last night, although mostly because of being woken up by sounds and then expecting to be woken up again.

I saw Savage Mountain, a documentary about/by Kirsten Harila. It was very good, and not exactly what I expected. Then walked to Gamle Aker church where my parents were married, and the Catholic bookstore where I found many books – about prayer, Christian meditation etc. – in my late teens and early twenties. Walked through the center of Oslo and saw the preparations for the king’s funeral tomorrow, and then back here.

Malvin the dog left late afternoon which is a little sad. I’ll miss him. He stayed here for six weeks while his human was doing a kind of healing retreat.

S. from Brazil came in the evening and the three of us had a nice meal and conversation. She is leaving for Brazil tomorrow.

Wednesday September 9

The day

A brief conversation with SG from Brazil this morning, then out to sit by the river in the sun with some clouds, and a tea and croissant at the café. I mostly did the organ protocol for my liver (I added in channeling for the kidneys for most steps) and some drawing. Then met up wish SG at the grocery store, walked back to the apartment, and helped her with the luggage to the bus stop. Some heavy rain and hail on the way back. Watched a tiny bit of the king’s funeral.

Then doing a lot of VH catching up and optimizing, and some energization. I notice my system is wobbly after the first steps of the organ protocol earlier today.

The drawing above is not nearly finished, just the first phase.

Today’s music

Lonely & meaning

I feel lonely these days, so it’s nice to have some human connections. SG is connected with Dharma Mountain here in Norway and comes here every summer. She travels half way around the world to go there, and I am in the neighborhood, so maybe I should check it out. I have not been drawn to it but, at least, they have a community.

I also have some existential questions about the meaning of my life. Today, channeling, drawing, and short conversations may be enough. Of course, just existing is enough, but at a human level, we also wish for a little more.

Money

I have a very small disability income, and it’s not enough except to cover the very basics. Even with my very simple life here, I spend more than my small income. My hope is to get well enough, and for my energy level to be stable enough to have some clients. I guess Vortex Healing may be the simplest modality, although I can also work with the mind side.

Thursday September 10

Dream: a woman takes and holds my hand

I am in our small town in the Andes, or a similar place. There is some kind of festival with natural products, featured regeneration projects, and so on. A woman takes and holds my hand. We leave while still holding hands and I look at her and ask: why? She explains she was attracted to me but it was probably foolish. I said, no, it was not foolish and it’s an interesting timing. Just these days, I have shifted into something I wanted to try for a long time and that is to be in an open relationship (polyamory) so I am available. She is a few years younger than me, attractive, whole, and seems like someone I would like to get to know.

In waking life, I have been interested in trying polyamory since I was in my twenties. I don’t know how it will go or if it will be something I want to try for a long time, but I have wanted to try and experience it. I also know people who have done or are doing it, and I know it’s a lot of work but can also be rewarding. Also, it seems quite natural. It’s one of the many ways humans can be in relationship.

The woman I the dream is attractive to me and seems whole. She seems like someone who has done her work with herself. The dream also suggests taking it slowly, which fits me well.

Refuge

I have been more discouraged by the world lately – not just the obvious like Trump and Putin, but all the people who actively support what they are doing. A far-right party won in an area of East Germany. Putin and Trump both funnel a lot of money into far-right groups in Europe with the aim to polarize and destabilize Europe. And many buy into the disinformation and misinformation from these sources. A good portion of people seem more interested in the prices of gas and food than our unraveling life-support systems. The predictable early consequences of climate change is all around us, including the terrible flood in Nepal (glacial collapse).

So I notice I seek refuge… in my nature/the divine, prayer, Vortex Healing, nature, our regeneration project, friends, and seeking out those who do good work.

I also find refuge in the bigger picture of it all, including Lila, the play of existence. This is all existence/the universe/Earth exploring itself in always new and different ways.

Zen center

I am still considering spending some time at a Zen center in Europe where I have been 2-3 times. I am drawn to the meditation, schedule, and community, but less to everything else.

I also remembered something that seemed odd the other times I was there. We had meals around one long table with the main teacher on top, and it seemed that he controlled the conversation and opinions and everyone else just accepted it or followed.

To me, that seems odd and uncomfortable, and also a missed opportunity. The wisdom is in the collective, in the community, and in everyone. Also, why not encourage people to form smaller groups? It’s a great way to get to know each other better.

Friday September 11

Dream: My life’s tasks

A woman is with me as I look at my life’s tasks. She is wise and can see the larger picture, and only says something occasionally as needed. I had chosen away the ones I had been initially given, which were ambitious, in the world, artistic, had to do with sharing awakening and psychology, and quite fun. I had chosen some far less ambitious, having to do with my relationships with women, less fun, and I wasn’t very successful with them.

This dream reflects my conscious regrets in life. When I was twenty-seven, I abandoned what I was most passionate in life and have felt off track since. I was convinced I would work with art, psychology, and awakening, and do it in some kind of (small scale) public way. Instead, I got married, abandoned everything, and moved to Wisconsin so she could pursue her education and career. I did it against my clear inner guidance, and felt that my life got profoundly off track.

It’s a little depressing to look at, to be honest, although the presence of the woman helps me see it’s OK. There is no value judgment and no judgment at all. These are just two life paths. Two ways life explores itself. Two ways the divine explores itself. And they are both – the mental representation of both – happening within and as this awake space that I find myself as.

Rain & coziness

I am on my own for a few days, enjoy it a lot, and got some nice sleep.

It’s a rainy day and I have my comfy clothes and wool socks, sheep skins, wool blanket, a candle on the table, and a nice cup of cacao with spices. My plan is to continue with the Vortex Healing organ protocol for my liver (I also include my kidneys after for most steps) and do some drawings.

I don’t seem to be able to write much right now, maybe because of going into the organ protocol. It does shift things and it seems that my system wants to use energy there and not for luxuries like higher cognitive functions.

Note: I am just getting back into drawing after decades of not doing it much. I see a lot of room for improvement in that drawing, but it also has something I like. Bringing the soul into drawings has always been in the forefront for me. I’ll keep going, just for practice, and see what happens.

Note 2: I did go further and switched the drawing for the current version. It’s a little patchy and there is still a lot of room for improvement. I use Procreate on iPad with 6B pencil, 35% size. I work mostly as I would on paper with a few minor exceptions.

Note 3: I am spending a lot of time channeling Aliveness for my liver and kidneys. It’s a relatively new transmission and I don’t think I or anyone else has channeled it specifically for those organs in me.

Vortex Healing

Vortex Healing found me about ten years ago (Rancho Mirage February 2016). I was very skeptical at first, mainly because I have had unpleasant experiences with other forms of energy healing. Around the time of the oneness shift in my teens, I discovered I could sense and invite in healing at a distance (a kind of mediation-prayer), and I knew that something like Vortex Healing could exist but wasn’t sure if it existed on this planet…!

When I received my first session, it was very different from anything else I had tried. It was a combination of consciousness and energy, and the healing and energy was directed to what was appropriate for me. That first session was a miracle and made a big difference for me health wise and also for my life. I signed up for the foundation class in Berkeley held in April or May.

It has been a long journey, but VH has helped me greatly. I was able to remove the Epstein-Barr virus in my kidneys in 2020 I think, and before then, the Lyme infection I struggle with for a few years. After the EB virus was gone, my health has been much more stable and easier to manage.

For many years, I worked on my energy system – clearing, optimizing, energizing. These days, I am going a little deeper with organs. My system used to have very strong reactions to any kind of healing work, mainly releasing a lot of unprocessed material. After the main VH teacher suggested I use the Aliveness transmission for all the cells in my body, it seems my system has been able to process healing and awakening movements much better. (I top it up every few days.)

I say “I” here, but that’s not exactly right. Others have given me many sessions, and it was also others who helped me with the EB virus and the Lyme infection. I have worked on myself quite a bit, but it wouldn’t have been nearly the same without all the other amazing VH healers who have helped me. I guess the reason I say “I” is that I asked them.

Easily overwhelmed

Since the return of the strong CFS ca. 2008 (?) and asking the divine to “show me what’s left” (2011), I have felt especially vulnerable, raw, and easily overwhelmed. Before this, I was relatively stable, optimistic, and even had trouble getting a visceral sense of the deeper issues in me. And after, raw.

There is a gift in this too. It does help me viscerally touch and feel the deeper layers of what’s unprocessed in me. It’s often right on the surface, especially when or after I explore it with inquiry, presence, and/or energy healing.

It’s also humbling in a good way since it doesn’t fit my previous identity or how I would like to be with others.

Drawing versions

A few (too many!) versions of the drawing. I find it fascinating to see how drawings and art in general evolves. The final one here won’t be the final one since there is more I want to work on. It’s still lacking in some areas. (The sense of space and form, the transition between beard and neck, the life in the lines and shading, and so on.)

Saturday September 12

The morning & day

I slept well and continue the organ protocol for my liver and kidneys. I checked with AL last night, and we both got around 8.5 for my liver and 6.5 for my kidneys, on a scale from 1-10. I think my liver was around 6 when I started the organ protocol earlier this week. As before, I do each step for my liver and then for my kidneys, and I often spend a lot longer for each step than suggested in the protocol. My plan is to finish the protocol for both, and then revisit some steps for the kidneys.

Vortex Healing for my liver and kidneys

It’s been a very enjoyable day. It feels amazing to have the apartment to myself for three days. I feel I can go far more deeply into my self-healing. I have continued the organ protocol for my liver and kidneys. The liver seems reasonably good now (9+ out of 10), and there is more to do for the kidneys (7.5). They still feel a bit cold and crunchy. Most likely, they have been impacted by more than three decades of living with the Epstein-Barr virus.

All the steps of the organ protocol are important, and the ones I am most drawn to and tend to spend more time with are: Optimizing the energy pathways for the organ, Vortex Energy to energize, Aliveness, Kidney Yin, pre-natal Jing and Kidney Essence, Bioelectric Current, Biomagnetics (into amplifying structures), and also filling the organ with structures, essences, crystals, and so on.

I plan on also spending a lot of time with Energetic Intervention for my kidneys (to repair the damage from the EB virus) and Replace (replacing Vital Webbing).

Sunday September 13

Dream: Don’t get your hopes up

My wife and I have taken time apart, and then found a deeper connection. We seem to have resolved many of the problems because of better communication. It seems and feels like we are restarting our relationship, and it feels deeply right and hopeful. Then, it turns out she has chosen someone else without telling me. This pattern happened twice, where I got my hopes up and then it was crushed.

In the dream, it’s clear that the dream is a warning. I have had several warning dreams lately.

Rest

A beautiful sunny fall day. I went for a little walk and sat in the sun outside of the café for a while.

I have channeled a lot of Vortex Healing for myself the last several days, so I need a rest. I have a pattern of overdoing it, and then crashing and being unable to channel for a long time after. I did channel Replace (vital webbing) and Energetic Intervention for a while this morning, and will take the rest of the day off, apart from some catching up and integration as needed.

I watched Bladerunner again, the 2007 version this time. Interesting to see the different ending, and a few scenes I don’t remember from the version I saw a long time ago. It made a big impression on me when I first saw it in my teens, mainly because of the atmosphere and music I think, and I still like the Vangelis soundtrack. If I saw it for the first time now, I would still like it but maybe a little less. Still, many good themes – mortality, memory, power, slavery, a dystopian oligarchy, and so on, and these are timeless, or timeless in our domination culture and maybe even more relevant now than in 1980, or in 1968 when the book came out.

Visit

In the evening, SH arrived. He is a friend of HRH and is staying here some days to do some work in Oslo. It turned out we have a lot in common – spontaneous awakening, connections with South America, permaculture, love of nature, and more.

These days, I feel my conversation brain is not very active, especially in the evening when I am tried, so he did most of the talking and the little I said didn’t sound very smart. That’s OK.

Monday September 14

A quiet day

A quiet morning and early afternoon, both in terms of weather (grey, cold, still) and me. I did a lot of VH for myself last week so my system needs some rest. I also don’t seem to have the extra energy for writing or doing that kind of projects. I may do some simpler ones.

I went for a walk in the afternoon, and talked with AL for a while. She is going to Madrid with her mum later in the day.

Then another interesting conversation with SH, after he returned from picking up his motorcycle in Sarpsborg.

Early night for me.

Tuesday September 15

A cool fall day

Already in the middle of September. It’s cool and rainy today, and maybe another quiet day.

I feel I should still give my system a rest from more Vortex Healing, at least for another day. It was a lot last week.

I sent a message to Ric, the main Vortex Healing teachers, to hear what he suggests I work on next to help my system recover from the CFS/ME. The Epstein-Barr virus has been gone for 5-6 years, and my system is much more stable now, but I still have the brain fog, fatigue, and PEM (Post-Exertion Malaise) typical of CFS. I suspect the virus did quite a lot of damage to my system during the 35 years it was there.

Drawing

I want to get back into drawing and find the iPad an easy way to do it. Here is another quick drawing from today with the aim of not making it too detailed or worked, mainly because I still have a lot of fatigue and brain fog. There is a lot of room for improvement here: The hand, the beard, that I used the thin pencil for areas where a thicker one would be more appropriate (I had the thought of using one thickness for everything and then changed my mind). It doesn’t quite have the sense of volume and layers I would like and the lines/hatching can follow the form better. Also, it’s worked relatively uniformly and it’s often better if some areas receives more attention and the rest is left simple.

Craig Thompson’s Ginseng Roots / Salvation from suffering that does not lead to growth

I read the first volumes of Craig Thompson’s Ginseng Roots, and now got the book version with all the volumes from the library. I thought this page (p. 307) was especially relevant to me.

Wednesday September 16

Sunny day

I had a good night’s sleep without much interruptions. It’s nice to share apartment with someone who seems naturally quiet and gentle in movements.

I walked along the river to Nydalen, took the subway to Majorstua and had some sushi there. Then walked to Vigelandsparken and sat in the sun for a while, looking over the new MI Vortex Healing protocol, and especially the steps I will do for the CFS. (I still need to hone in on the specific intention or issue. Just CFS? Whatever in me holds it in place? Teenage me when I got it, and what’s still in me of that?)

In general, I feel OK but I still notice all the work I did on my system last week. I feel extra sleepy and in need of rest and recovery. Finished a French film – The taste of others – in the evening. It was interesting enough but not amazing.

Thursday September 17

Rest

Another quiet night and good sleep. I am drawn to doing more Vortex Healing for myself, but feel/sense I still need to take it easy.

Future vision?

Sometimes, I sense the future.

Since we moved into the small house on our land in the Andes, I have sensed/ had a vision of me there far in the future with much taller trees and the vegetation far more lush and rich. It seems 20 years into the future and feels real in the way it feels real when it’s an actual vision of the future.

In my teens, I had a dream about the future where I saw myself in this location in South America and somehow involved with a local school. I still remember it vividly. The school from my dream is the only building we can see from our little house, just down the hill.

Do these visions mean I will stay there? I am not sure. It all seems very uncertain right now. All I know is that I deeply love that land and our project there.

Exploring the part of me that wants me to be sick / me at the age when I got sick

Over a few days now, I have explored the part of me that wants me to be sick, and me at the age when I got sick.

This has been very interesting and it has felt powerful. I have worked a lot on (a) removing the Epstein-Barr virus (happened 2020), (b) optimizing my energy system (last ten years), and working on my organs (especially my kidneys).

Now, it seems time to really explore the part of me that wants me to be sick. This is related to the parts of me that wants me to be hidden, invisible, and so on, so I can stay safe.

Growing up, I learned that being visible was dangerous, and I had a lot of social anxiety as a young teenager. I got sick with the CFS/ME when I was fifteen, likely from a combination of genetics, Epstein-Barr infection (mono a few months earlier), stress, and possibly mold exposure from living in a basement room (nice room with fireplace, wood stove, etc. but it may have had mold).

I have explored these parts of me through presence, dialog, and so on, and also through Vortex Healing, and I plan to continue over the next days and weeks. Whether this helps my health or not, it’s still helpful and more than worth to explore.

Energetic alignment

Since I got CFS in my teens, I have sensed several different parts of my system being out of alignment with each other. I can sense/see it as different transparent elements of my system as a whole overlapping and not being aligned.

I have worked on this, including asking Amma for help in aligning it all and being with that for a while (Amma healing). I notice a difference, and the different overlapping elements are closer aligned now.

My sense is that this alignment is key for resolving the brain for and fatigue (CFS), or at least a key indicator. A closer alignment will probably both be part of the healing process and a sign that it’s being resolved.

Friday September 18

A day out & working on my brain fog

I went out in the morning with the idea of seeing a movie (Erik Poppe/ Jon Fosse) but changed my mind and walked to the botanical garden instead and sat there for a while, then a café in Grünerløkka (Dapper), and some errands on my way home (organic cacao and good bike pump for the wheelbarrow at the cabin at Storo shopping center).

I continued with the “bare bones” protocol for the brain fog in the botanical garden and at the café, and will continue with this for a while before I do the full protocol.

Btw: I am sharing some pages from the VH protocols here as illustration. They will be useless – have zero effect – for anyone who doesn’t have the MI level of classes in Vortex Healing.

How do I experience the brain fog?

How do I experience the brain fog?

It came on New Year’s Day when I was fifteen. The brain fog came over just a few seconds in the middle of that day and it was the start of what I – and doctors – later realized was CFS/ME.

I experience in several different ways.

The immediate experience is of a fog or cotton in and around the head.

It’s expressed in several ways. I have trouble finding words. I can’t take in much information at a time. I have trouble reading anything longer than a short article. My thinking is often not very clear. Any cognitive processing – including conversations or listening to someone talking – makes me tired, drained, and leads to PEM. When I have PEM, I sometimes have trouble making decisions.

My system is likely prioritizing energy for keeping me alive, and is down-prioritizing higher cognitive functions. After all, those are luxuries in the context of survival and getting through the day with limited energy.

There are a few more things here:

A part of me may want the brain fog to protect me. It allows me to withdraw and hide. That doesn’t mean it has created it, but it certainly makes use of it.

In the early 2010s, I woke up one morning without brain fog. It was amazing and lasted just a few minutes, and then the brain fog returned.

Star Trek & the shadow

I watched the recent episode of Star Trek: Strange New World, Once La’An a Time. It explores the theme of us having many different parts, and finding the whole that includes all – or at least as many as possible – of those parts. They mentioned Jung, the Shadow, and so on.

I especially enjoyed the main character (La’An) explored a shadow that’s generally seen as desirable (the princess, the more feminine sides of her), and she had – because of her background and experiences – seen it as a threat and exciled it. After embracing that side of her, which happened remarkably quickly!, we see how she found a new wholeness and richness in her life.

There were also sides of the episode I may have done slightly differently. Mainly, they made it all a little too explicit and too on-the-nose. I enjoy it more when it’s more organic, lived, and implied, and maybe even less consciously aware. Also, the embracing of the shadow happened easily and fast. In real life, there is usually more of a struggle and it’s a longer and more windy process where much is hidden and then revealed over time. They could also have gone more into how that side of her became exiled (although they have in past episodes). I understand it was just one short episode so they can’t go into too many details.

Still, it’s great that Star Trek includes these topics. They have from the first series, which is one of the reasons I enjoy Star Trek in general.

Saturday September 19

A day of rest

It’s a quiet, cool, and rainy fall day, and a day of rest for me in the sense that I’ll stay at home and just do enjoyable things.

This morning, I am washing clothes and linens, and continuing the “bare bones” part of the VH protocol for my brain fog.

It’s nice to sit by the large balcony windows with a view to the forest just ten-fifteen meters away, see the wind in the leaves, see and hear the rain, with a candle, a warm cup of tea, sheep skins, a wool blanket. And a day where I can just do a few enjoyable things as I am guided to do it.

Phases of my recent life

I have had some pretty clear phases in my recent life, usually defined or colored by geography and place.

For a few years, I have lived between Norway and our land in the Andes. In Norway, it has revolved around my parents going to a nursing home, my mother’s illness, and getting their house ready for sale. In the Andes, around building houses, water, electricity, food forest, regeneration, and so on.

Last year, until November, was especially intense with my parents and the house being sold. (My mother was very sick and died in August, my father did not do well, my brother was undergoing cancer treatment, and I was left to get the house ready at a timeline that was far too short for me, especially considering my health situation).

Then, a brief recovery in Oslo, and an additional strong ten weeks at Amritapuri in India.

After that, about ten weeks in Limehouse in London which was a kind of decompression after everything that’s been going on.

Since mid-May, I have been back in Oslo and have been catching up with smaller projects that have been on the back burner for a long time. These days, I seem to finally get into doing Vortex Healing protocol work for my health, which is interesting and feels right and good.

Cooler days, more energy

I seem to function much better when the climate is slightly on the cool side. These days, it’s between 15-20 degrees in Oslo and it’s perfect for me. I have more energy. (When it’s warmer, I tend to have less focus and energy, likely because my body needs to spend more resources on cooling down.)

VH for my brain fog

For now, I am using MI, Merlin Re-reality, Time Streams, Disentangle, Replace, and Divine Magic, as the VH protocol suggests for the bare bones session, and I am also adding the grid and Energetic Intervention. The grid helps organize the situation in general to aid the healing, and Energetic Intervention is more physical than the other tools. I am also clearing choice points related to the brain fog.

The ones I have noticed the strongest movements for so far are choice points yesterday, and Energetic Intervention today, although I also notice movements for the other tools.

I notice that most of it works in the brain (frontal lobes) and brain stem, unsurprisingly, although some also works on my other organs.

Update: I am now doing the “inner core” part of the protocol, and Dis-attach (for the attachment web) is running strongly and for a long time. Interesting to notice and perhaps not surprising since it has had and, to some extent, has a charge for me.

Profoundly off track

In my late twenties, I went against my clear inner guidance on a major issue, and it felt like my life got profoundly off track.

In terms of the obvious in the world, it went clearly off track. And internally, in my experience of myself and relationship with myself, it went even more off track.

I wasn’t even able to continue my deep meditation and art practices since going there was too painful. It just got me more in touch with my inner guidance telling me – non-stop and for years – to get out of that situation, and the pain of not acting on it.

Of course, the reason I got into this situation, and was unable to get out of it, had to do with traumas. I had missed several relationship opportunities because of my shyness (AKA fear of talking about it or initiating it), got into a relationship with someone who was not a good match for me, and felt responsible for putting her needs and desires above my own. It was a debacle created by my own wounds and traumas very likely related to mother issues.

This had major consequences in all areas of my life and led to the loss of most of my dreams. It led to not having children. Not finding the right partner at a crucial phase in my life. Not finishing my (then) graduate degree. It likely also led to the CFS dramatically worsening about ten years later (combined with pneumonia and mold).

At a human and inner-guidance level, this is very real.

In a bigger picture, nothing ever goes off track. It’s all the divine and life exploring itself in always new ways. It’s part of the exploration of existence. In immediacy, it’s all – all my mental representations of all of this, the track, being off track, someone being off track – happening within and as this awake space.

Back to my human level, I wonder what I can do to feel I am getting back on track again. I had thought and felt that the amazing regeneration project in the Andes would be it, and I feel deeply connected to that place, but that is all more uncertain now.

How would it feel to be back on track? How may it look? How can I make very small steps in that direction, here and now?

Today’s music

My own neo-soul/nu-jazz playlist – Sault, Cleo Sol, Yussed Dayes, Greentea Peng, Pale Jay, Adi Oasis, and more.

Sunday September 20

A day of rest & nourishment

Another quiet and nourishing day at home – by the big windows with the view to the forest, with a candle, good music, tea, good food, and a warm wool blanket.

So far, as of mid-afternoon, I have taken a rest from channeling. Maybe it’s good to wait until tomorrow to continue. By then, AL will also have done a step in the VH protocol that I need to have done before proceeding.

A nice conversation with AL this morning, and some emotional confusion on my part. She and her mum are in Madrid, and soon in Stockholm.

Also a good conversation with SH who is staying here a few days. We have a lot in common – awakening journey, a simple ordinary life, nature, permaculture, community, South America, and more.

Fixing some backend things on this website, including excluding some robots (robots.txt file) and robot requests (sharing requests) so there is less unnecessary pressure on the website. I am not writing much here these days, apart from in this journal. My energy is going more to channeling for myself and smaller projects.

Catching up with some friends in Barichara on WhatsApp. It has rained a couple of times last week, which is good. Also, the large rainwater reservoir on the finca is closer to finished. The water from the spring, shared in the neighborhood, is flowing well.

I am considering opening up for Vortex Healing clients, at least a few. I sense, and know, that’s one way to get back on track in my life.

Shifting my relationship with the brain fog

I am exploring my brain fog in several ways these days. Today, I am again connecting with it and thanking it.

Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me.

I am thanking the part of me that uses the brain fog to protect me. It’s always good to connect with those parts and find a way to be a better team. I get to see that it’s here for me, tries to protect me, and comes from love for me. It gets to see that it doesn’t have to do it anymore. I have other ways to protect myself these days, and my life is very different from how it was in my teens when the brain fog initially came.

Farm manager

I ended up being a farm and regeneration manager in the late afternoon. A is helping in the garden and needs more work/money, so I suggested that he starts work on making a series of porous dams in the river that runs through the finca. The river is mostly dry and only has water when it rains. The dams will help slow down the water so it can infiltrate into the ground.

This will help the vegetation along the river, it will recharge the ground water, and it will give water for longer for the animals in the area. There used to be a spring near the river, not too far from our current houses. These dams may also help bring that spring back, especially in combination with more trees and improved soil. (The spring almost certainly went dry because of grazing and deforestation.)

The top series of photos are from the river from a couple of years ago. I assume it looks similar now. The two photos below show dams from a similar project in the area (not my photos).

Mandag September 21

A dream fragment: Ordinary basis contentment

I woke up from a dream where I felt nourished in community, and with the phrase “ordinær basis-glede” – ordinary basis joy.

Yes, ordinary basis contentment and joy. That’s a big part of what life is about.

It’s also interesting I dreamt in Norway. It’s likely because I had a conversation in Norwegian with SH before going to bed. For me, the word “glede” is closer to contentment than joy, although it kind of includes both.

Working on my brain

I am taking a slight detour from the protocol for brain fog this morning. I have channeled Aliveness for the cells of my brain, brain stem, and spine (CNS). Then Vortex Energy to energize the same, and Replace (vital webbing). And then a good amount of catching up and integration.

My frontal lobes feel “empty” energetically and have for years. I suspect that has to do with the brain fog and fatigue. It’s as if they are not there. I suspect/sense that more direct work on my brain now is an important part of generally exploring and working on the brain fog.

Update: When I work on my brain, I often feel woozy, disoriented, and dizzy for a while. I experience that today again. Catching up and integration help, but it takes some time to recover.

Evening

I went for a walk in the sunny late afternoon, and then early to bed.

I am not feeling too well and am wondering if I the channeling brought up an illness feeling in me, or if I am actually getting sick. One pattern is clear: When I channel to generally nourish and energize, I typically feel good. And channeling for my brain, so far, is more challenging. This has happened before. I assume it’s a big shift to get more energy into my brain and my system gets a bit disorganized. Also, I didn’t follow any protocols today. Maybe it goes better when I follow a protocol?

The upside is that I am sensing my frontal lobes now…! They have an energetic presence again.

Update: I followed the Quick Fix portion of the brain & nervous system tune-up in the MI projects file. It actually helped my brain normalize. It may be better for me to follow the protocols these days.

Tuesday September 22

Morning

I had a dream with community and large buildings, as I often do. It felt nourishing. In this case, it had slight night-mareish element with people losing some of my things and being unable to easily move between levels.

With a more calm and regulated housemate, I am sleeping much better. Some neighbors play loud music for 2-3 hours after 10pm, and others slam doors, but that’s OK. I realize the energy of the apartment may play a bigger role. (My usual housemate is a good friend and a very good person, but she has stress and trauma that comes up at night, and it leads to an agitated energy and activity – loud closing of doors etc. – which wakes me up several times a night.)

Tune-up for my brain & nervous system

Another beautiful morning. I am doing the in-depth portion of the VH protocol for the brain & nervous system in the projects file. I am staying with each step until it finishes running so it’s taking much longer than suggested in the protocol.

Later, I plan on taking my brain (CNS) through the organ protocol. And I will also finish taking the brain fog through the issue protocol.

Afternoon / evening

Tried to coordinate the porous dam project today. A. who has helped us for a while couldn’t find his way there. I keep forgetting that I am used to maps and following directions, and the locals there are not. They are used to being shown in person. He said he couldn’t find it, so will wait until Friday when DP can show him the way. It was a little frustrating until I remembered that cultural difference. One is not better than the other, it’s just what we are used to and what makes sense in the culture we are in and from.

Then a walk in the late afternoon sun and a quick shop for groceries.

Talked with AL in the evening. Some possible plans for early October.

Wednesday September 23

Upcoming VH class

I didn’t sleep so well last night. I think the main reason is simple: I stayed awake looking for AirBnBs in Essaouira in October.

Also, my system was strangely wired and I am not sure why. It may have to do with channeling for my brain, and also having cacao.

I have a VH class then, an it’s not tempting to be stuck in my room (almost without windows) for eleven days, especially considering the noise from the kitchen which shares wall with that room (right where I lie/sit).

Water problems at Finca Milagros

The water situation at the finca is critical, which is exactly what I have been concerned about for years now and we have tried to unsuccessfully do something about.

The water we receive from the town is a literal trickle on the best of days. Most days, it’s nothing.

We are unable to fill the main water tank (30,000 liters?) from water delivery trucks. While I was in Norway, the tank was moved much further up the hill than I envisioned, which creates several problems, including that the water trucks don’t have a hose long enough to fill it.

We created a very expensive rainwater collection system for the initial small house. Everything is installed except the pump to pump the water from the tank and into our water system. We have tried to get it done for two (!) years now, but the contractor is not doing it (he keeps saying he will do it, and doesn’t) and we haven’t been able to find anyone else to do it.

Also, a large portion of the roof collapsed (less than two years after it was built, almost killing us in our sleep) so even if it did work, we wouldn’t be able to collect nearly as much as we had planned.

We have created a very expensive and large (40,000 liters) rainwater system for the large house. Months ago, the contractor did 95% of the work and then abandoned it. Again, we are in the situation where people say they will do it in a few days or next week, and it never happens.

We receive and pay for water from a spring that delivers to the neighborhood. That water goes to a pond, and we installed a very long hose to deliver the water to the houses. Our gardener covered up the connection point (we explicitly told him not to), and he is unable to find it again so that water is also inaccessible and unusable.

The outcome is that (a) we have spent years and a lot of money and resources to collect around 100,000 liters of water, and (b) because of these circumstances we have literally NO water there now, so (c) the garden and most of what we have planted for years – thousands of trees and other plants – may die.

Right now, they have extreme heat (15 degrees higher than normal) and drought, which makes the situation even more acute and critical.

Finca Milagros and heat

I love our finca and our regeneration project there deeply. The water situation can likely be solved, hopefully very soon. But I am more concerned about the heat. It’s getting hotter each year. Yesterday, it was fifteen degrees higher than what’s normal for this time of year. Is that livable?

This is supposed to be the wet and cool period of year, and it’s 40 degrees (!) and no rain in sight. It’s partly El Niño, but it’s also an expression of the general global heating. And that heating will only accelerate.

Overwhelmed

I feel overwhelmed now. I know it’s partly from lack of sleep, and I know the water situation eventually will be resolved. I am concerned about the extreme heat there, and the new normal of more extreme heat which makes living there more difficult.

Also, news stories about a 50% likelihood of world war within 3-5 years – the West against either Russia or Kina, or possibly both. This was from an interview with a specialist in Norway, and they tend to be sober. I remember my recurrent dream after Putin’s invasion of Ukraine where I saw rockets from Russia flying over me in Norway.

You don’t have to be a specialist to see that we are at risk of more war and conflicts, especially the hybrid ones that occasionally get hot. I am actually more concerned about how this serves as a distraction for the far greater crisis of global ecological overshoot. We are in the middle of collapse, although many are unaware of the magnitude of it and that they will be impacted too.

Where we have our land, they voted in a far-right Trumpist president. Why? It will certainly not benefit the vast majority of people. It will only lead to increased conflict and violence, and more poverty. Fascism eats it’s own (and others).

Also more immediate concerns about my own life. Trying to rescue my marriage. Figuring out travel logistics. Trying to find an OK place for me to take the next VH class in October. And more.

I remind myself that lack of sleep makes this all seem more overwhelming. There is a solution to all of it. This too will pass. It will resolve. Some may resolve in ways my personality won’t like, and that’s OK. That’s how this life is set up.

Also, right now, I am OK. I am in a beautiful apartment with a large window to the forest. I listen to beautiful music. I have a delicious lunch (main meal for me) cooking. Right now, I am OK. I am fine.

I am privileged. Although I have a chronic illness and very low income for where I am, I also have some resources. I have friends, some family, and some resources. Many in the world lack one or all of those.

Thursday September 24

Sleep & channeling for my brain

I went to bed early, slept many hours last night, and feel better this morning.

I think I understand better what happened. The evening two days ago, I channeled for my brain and nervous system, and spent a long time channeling Aliveness and Harmonics for the brain. In the past, this has had a big impact on me and I tend to feel woozy, disoriented, and a certain kind of brain fog gets stronger for a day or so. It’s as if my brain needs to catch up to the new influx of energy. Most likely, this channeling is what caused the wiredness so I didn’t sleep much that night. Yesterday, I didn’t feel good at all. Last night, I was finally able to sleep and recover.

My brain feels more present now. It has a presence which it didn’t before this channeling.

Water emergency at the finca

We have two people (AB, DP) actively helping us take care of the water situation now, which is a blessing. Seems we can get some water delivered anyway, and there is a small tank with water that hasn’t been used but is in use now. We will also get a pump installed for the rainwater tank for the small house. Hopefully, all this is happening soon enough to save the plants.

Elvevandring / river walk

Each fall, Oslo has a river walk along Akerselva with candles and a series of performances. I walked along the river to Nydalen and took the tram back up. I had planned to walk further down since the more interesting performances are there, but it all took longer than expected due to the performances and the number of people. Also, a crisis with the water which I’ll write about for Friday.

Friday September 25

Water crisis & loss of backup solution

Our water backup was to have it delivered by a large tank truck. They tried to deliver yesterday, but had to abandon it because of the steep hill up to the houses. That means that option is gone.

I’ll see if there are smaller and stronger trucks that can deliver to our house.

The other option is to install a water tank at the bottom of the finca, by the main road. They can fill that, and we can pump it up. The only problem is that it can take time, and without water, plants may die. We have spent years to plant thousands of trees and other plants in the food forest, and we have maybe a thousand trees in our nursery.

Frustration

I notice frustration (AKA fear) about the water crisis. It may destroy years of plant work. A part of me that wants to blame others.

I have asked the contractor for 2 or 3 years now to install the pump for the rainwater collection system and he has not done it. He says it’s not worth it until the house is rebuilt, which is nonsense.

The large house was finished 2-3 years ago, and the large basin to collect rainwater is 95% done. Here too, the same contractor is not finishing it. He keeps saying he will do it next week or soon, and it never happens. If he had done it when he should, we would have 40,000 liters of water there. Now, we have nothing and a system that’s unusable.

The same contractor moved the large water tank up the hill so the pressure of the municipality-water is not strong enough to fill it. It comes in as a trickle at best. Why didn’t he check that?

I have warned about this for years, and I feel I am the only one who has taken it seriously. The others have seemed very complacent about it. This spring, when it was clear we would have an extreme El Niño, I made it clear that getting the water systems ready ASAP has to be a priority. Again, almost nothing happened.

Our main garden guy said that that the extreme El Niño is just media hype and dismissed it, which also makes absolutely no sense. It’s science, it doesn’t’ come from the media.

I have repeatedly tried to get this done, but it’s difficult because the language, I am not there, and I don’t have the connections. Still, as the only one who have taken this seriously, I should have done more. My advice is for me.

Future orientation

I have always had a future orientation and tend to explore a wide range of scenarios for the future. I also like to take a precautionary approach. That’s one reason I have seen getting the water infrastructure in place as a priority.

In this situation, it’s just common sense to get the water infrastructure in place urgently. With climate change, we know that rain patterns will be disrupted and we will have longer and hotter dry periods. We also know that the water from the municipality cannot be relied on.

Another side to this is that I often can sense the future and what comes, and that’s not easily explained to others. From we started building the small house there, I had an inner knowing that the water situation would be critical within 2-5 years.

I also have an inner knowing that the land can be hit by wildfires within the next few months. Here too, it’s just common sense, and it’s amplified by that inner knowing.

Inner knowing

This is similar to how I see global ecological overshoot. Many seem complacent about it. I take it seriously, also here from a combination of common sense/ common knowledge and an inner knowing.

Sometimes, my inner knowing doesn’t make logical sense to me. When Russia invaded Ukraine, I consciously saw it as obviously very stupid, but also a relatively contained situation. I didn’t expect it to last for very long or spread in any way. Still, my inner knowing told me it was the start of something much worse and that it would spread to Europe in general. I had recurrent dreams of being in the Oslo area and seeing rockets from Russia passing overhead.

Afternoon and the acute water crisis is resolved for now

It’s now afternoon, and the acute water crisis is resolved for now, after a lot of wrangling and prayers yesterday night.

It miraculously rained a good amount during the night, after two weeks with no rain. (This is the rain season so it would normally rain much more often.) That’s a blessing for the plants and will help them survive for longer.

The municipality did something special for us overnight to get water delivered to us, through the normal pipes. That tank was almost completely empty yesterday, and it’s now near full. The water from the municipality has been just a trickle for a while.

We may need to get the water from the municipality into a lower tank, and then pump it up to the large one. Or find another solution that gives us better water pressure.

Also, there is a glimmer of hope (again) that we will be able to finish the main rainwater reservoir soon, at least we hope so. We ordered the membrane ourselves today and the contractor says he will do it next week. (Although he has said that many times before.)

DP, who is the main garden/food forest/regeneration guy helping us, is installing a pump for the smaller rainwater tank (4000 liters) by the small house. That means we’ll finally get to use that water.

I have also asked them to temporarily fix the gutters of the small house so we can catch all the rainwater from the remaining roof. (A good portion of it collapsed a couple of years ago.)

DP is also putting down a hose from the large pond to the houses so we can make use of the spring water that comes to our neighborhood. The has gone to the pond, as it did when the previous owners had cows there. And now, we will hopefully have the option to make it go to the houses so we can make use of it there as needed. My plan is to let it go to the pond as much as possible, for the wildlife, but it’s good to have the option to switch it.

AL also found someone with another water tank truck who can deliver water, but it’s a relatively small amount (2000 liters) and expensive, so we won’t do it now. But it’s a relief to know it’s possible in the future, should it be needed.

Saturday September 26

Tonglen

I often channel for myself, pray, and so on when I wake up in the morning. (Prayers are often for my own transformation.)

Today, I am doing tonglen. I started with my brain, visualizing the brain fog, fatigue, and so on as dark smoke, breathing it in, and breathing out light that fills the brain, and the brain becomes light. Then, I did it for myself with brain fog and fatigue. The people connected with Finca Milagros and the water problems (including me). My partner/ex. The two of us. All beings part of Earth. It feels good.

A thought said: It’s the kind of smoking I can get behind.

Working on my brain

I continue working on my brain with Vortex Healing. I have channeled more Aliveness and Harmonics into my brain, last night and this morning, and it feels like it’s closer to being filled now. I also notice that it’s better able to make use of it. It has adapted.

I can feel my brain energetically now. Although finding words when talking is still a challenge…!

The function of anger

I had a nice breakfast and conversation with HRH. I mentioned that our main gardening buy, DP, seems to have developed a garden that requires a lot of water. I have specifically asked him to create one that’s drought tolerant and produces food. When I saw the numbers of how many liters are required for watering, I got a bit upset. The two others involved in the project also got upset and expressed their frustration (anger) in our WhatsApp group.

When I saw that, I realized I didn’t have to say anything any my own frustration/anger subsided. It was there as an energy for me to take action and set clear guidelines and boundaries. Now, it doesn’t seem needed anymore since they did it. It’s a reminder that anger is an energy meant for action, often to set boundaries.

Grünerløkka

In the morning, I took the tram to Grünerløkka and returned a couple of books at the library. Then, café at Dapper, and two other (!) cafés in the afternoon. I also got some small white stick-on dampeners for the doors and kitchen cabinets in the apartment. I think that may help me a lot, including with sleep!

A beautiful day with some clouds and sun. I sat in the park for a while too. Did some more of the in-depth brain and nervous system tune-up protocol. I notice the energies working in and on my brain and it feels good.

Water drama

It turns out that the person we are paying to stay in our house and water the plants is only watering around my father-in-law’s house and not the rest. He pays her by the hour, so she spends her time – and the water – there to get the hours up. It takes at most two hours to water everything around his house, and she often charges for 4-5 hours.

Today’s music

Altre Follie by Jordi Savall.

Sunday September 27

Disrupted sleep again

For two weeks, I generally slept very well. My housemate during that period had a well-regulated nervous system and did everything in a generally calm way. Now, my regular housemate (who is a friend and I like a lot) is back, so the situation is different. She wakes up from stress during the night, goes to the bathroom, and is not very careful with the two doors between her room and the bathroom. I had hoped the dampeners would help, but I still wake up several times a night from this. It’s an example of the ripple effects of stress and trauma.

It’s also uncomfortable and stressful for me to wake up from bangs several times a night, so my own stress and trauma gets triggered.

Finca Milagros water situation

The water saga continues. It seems clear now that the one we hired to stay in our house and water the gardens have only watered my father-in-law’s garden. He pays by the hour so she has only watered there and nowhere else. She has also watered for many more hours than is necessary, likely to bring up the hours. The result is that the rest of the garden, which is the vast majority of the plants and all the food plants, have suffered and some have died. It has also led to a dramatic shortfall of water since she has used so much. With a more reasonable and distributed use of the water, we should have enough.

Today’s music

François Couperin: Les Concerts Royaux, 1722 – Jordi Savall.

Monday September 28

Morning & day

I slept very well last night, no sounds to wake me up. Unusually sleep, which I think has to do with all the work I did on my brain, maybe combined with cooler weather and a couple of overcast days.

I still have the feeling of needing more catching up after all the work on my brain – headache, nausea, disorganized system. I keep doing it although it’s a little challenging.

Plan for the coming weeks

Looks like I am going to Budapest next weekend for a couple of weeks.

Then back here for the next Vortex Healing class. It’s eleven days and I wasn’t looking forward to being in my room for that long, so I had thought of going to Morocco. Now, it turns out my friend I am staying with in Oslo is going to be in France during that time so I’ll stay here. It should be perfect.

Then maybe Morocco in November/December, we’ll see.

Recurrent dream: Russian missiles over Norway

I am reminded of my recurrent dream from the weeks and months after Putin’s invasion of Ukraine in February 2022. I am in Norway, in the Oslo area, and I see Russian missiles flying over us. I haven’t had recurrent dreams as an adult apart from this one. Consciously, and at the time, I didn’t see a wider war with Russia as even a remote possibility. Now, it definitely is. In reality, we already are at war, it’s just not an old-fashioned hot war. It’s hybrid. The dream was true metaphorically.

It still doesn’t seem likely that it will be literally true – that Europe/Norway/NATO will be in open conflict with Russia, or that there will be rockets fired in our direction – but it is sadly and worryingly a more possible.

Before the invasion of Ukraine, most people in Europe saw it as incredibly stupid. It was completely unnecessary and would, in the best case, be a quagmire for Russia. Putin did it anyway. Now, an escalation with Europe seems equally stupid, and Putin will likely do it anyway.

When I listened to Astrid Lindgren’s War Diaries (Stockholm, WW2) a few weeks ago, the dream came to mind. These days feel like the time before the previous world war. It is interesting to see how ordinary people experience larger historical events, although nowadays, a lot more people seem to be recording their thoughts and experiences.

Today’s music

Marin Marais: Pieces de viole du second livre, 1701 – Jordi Savall. This is music I listened to a lot in my twenties. I love Marin Marais.

Tuesday September 29

Morning & afternoon

Slept well and talked with AL in the morning. I feel more rested and my system seems more regulated than Sunday evening and yesterday.

When I channeled for my brain on Sunday morning, I didn’t do as much catch-ups as I normally would. I got distracted somehow. That has consequences, and even if I channeled to catch up Sunday night and yesterday, my system was already quite disorganized. It seems that catching up right away prevents that.

I went for a walk in the morning along the river among the fall leaves, it’s a beautiful sunny fall day. Then, on the bench on the river side of Teknisk Museum, and then to the local café.

Something is going on with my brother, not sure what. He doesn’t answer most of messages and also not my calls.

Another rest day today. I need to recover and also charge my batteries for going to Ski to pick up things, and then the trip this coming weekend.

Watching Marble Hall Murders (Magpie Murders series) which is pretty good and enjoyable and doesn’t require very much processing at any level.

Today’s music

J.S. Bach – Die Kunst Der Fugue, Keller Quartett. This is music I listened to a lot in my twenties and thirties and I still enjoy it.

Wednesday September 30

Morning & Ski

I didn’t sleep so much last night. Got up early and went to Ski to do some errands and pick up some winter clothes from storage. Had a nice sushi lunch. Also, got quite a few apples from my brother’s garden. Talked with AL a couple of times. Went to bed early.

My brother seemed surprisingly normal considering what has seemed like unusual behavior from his side of not answering messages or phone calls, and being unusually short when he finally answered. He said everything is fine.