This is a continuation of the journals I started when I went to Amritapuri in December last year and continued in London and Oslo this spring and summer. As usual, it will be as much a journal of my inner world as my outer. Follow the journal tag to see more articles in this series.
Thursday October 1
Befriending the distraction part of me
After waking up, I spent some time energizing my system and noticed the impulse to distract myself with news, YouTube, etc.
So I spent some time with that part of me, the one that wants to protect me from discomfort, and takes me away from it and into distractions. Thank you for your love for me. Thank you for your care for me. You can stay as long as you want.
I find genuine appreciation and gratitude for it, and I see it genuinely comes from care and love for me. It serves a very important function in my life and for humanity, and I am sure served my ancestors well. And it is good to befriend it and work with it as a team, instead of just going with it (identifying with it) or fighting it (identifying as something not it).
I have explored that part of me since in my teens. For a long time, it didn’t play a very obvious role. I was so passionate about meditation and inner exploration that the impulse to distraction typically got overridden at that level. (Instead, it took a role within that exploration.) When the strong primal fear and trauma came up in the early 2010s, that changed. It was so overwhelming and often (apparently) unbearable that the distraction part got a bigger role. It served as a safety valve and I welcomed it.
The day
Taking it easy today. Washing sheets and clothes, packing, cleaning and tidying, and so on. It’s enjoyable.
Still a headache and stiff shoulders, not sure why. My system still seems disorganized from all the energy work I have done on different organs recently. I am catching up more, now and then, but it would have been better to do more catch-ups Sunday so this wouldn’t have happened. (I checked with NW and he says he can’t find any in:fections in my system.)
I finished Marble Hall Murders (Magpie Murders) and the current season of North of North, both very enjoyable and well made.
Today’s music
Jean-Baptiste Lully: L’orchestre du Roi Soleil – Jordi Savall.
Friday October 2
Dreams: Big tech corporation & flying in an UFO
I am in a large semi-public building. My brother lives there. They have a library with sections of books that reflect or are selected by the different bosses of a large tech corporation. Former workers have placed the sections according to how they like, or dislike, the different leaders. They all have signed NDAs so are not allowed to say anything.
This dream has similar themes to the Marble Hall Murders series I just watched. A large house is made into a museum, one lives there, and people have signed NDAs and are not allowed to talk about the (long deceased) boss. I am not sure why my brother is there, and why the library. It’s another dream on the theme of authoritarianism.
I am flying a kind of UFO or transparent ball, from Ski to the area of our cabin in Enebakk. I know I may be seen and it doesn’t matter too much since they will only get a glimpse. It’s a lot of fun and there is a freedom in it.
Not sure what this is about apart from the sense of freedom. It has a combination of nature and advanced technology which should be somewhat secret but it’s not so important that I need to worry about it.
I love eccentric and beautiful music
Somehow, I just discovered this. I love musicians who go all out in their weirdness and also creates something beautiful.
It’s perfect as it is, and it also makes me interested in similar kinds of music with more polyphony and mixing of the genres. In this one, they are sequential. How would it be if they were simultaneous and play with and against each other? I imagine that’s how it may evolve if she continues to explore this style.
After listening to it a couple of times, I wonder if the first phase – operatic and more traditional Spanish song – is the emotional level, Björk is the divine, and the techno phase is the worried mental level.
Steps indicator
I very occasionally look at the steps on my phone to see if there are any interesting patterns. In this case, what I see is a consistent number of steps until June this summer when it dropped significantly. That’s when I got sick for two months. The monthly step counts suggests I have not yet recovered.
The day
A quiet day, rainy and windy which makes it feel extra good to be inside. I love being out in that kind of weather too. I just chose to not to right now since I need to charge my batteries for the journey this weekend.
Roasted the rest of the root vegetables and had dinner with HRH. It was quite a variety and delicious, especially with feta cheese on top. One of the things I love about fall is the root vegetables.
Talked with AL to figure out what’s after Budapest. We decided on Vienna since it’s a relatively quick train ride away.
Saturday October 3
The day
I woke up several times during the night from the bathroom door being closed/slammed. I have talked with the housemate several times about it, but she is not changing how she closes the door. She says she wakes up in stress/distress, so I guess it’s difficult for her to change it. I am reminded of the difference between acting on or reacting to our stress, distress, wounds, and trauma, and relating to it more consciously – with more gentleness and being on team with it. And I understand that part of the process is to sometimes act on and react to it. That’s part of life.
Finished the last few details of packing and getting ready to leave tomorrow morning. Otherwise, a quiet day. Colder and rainy and the leaves are falling. It’s comforting in its own way, especially when I can be indoors and warm and dry.
I wrote a bit about Artificial Intelligence. I think it should also be called Artificial Stupidity. That’s the other side of the AI coin. It’s currently stupid because it’s in its infancy. And it will always be stupid from our perspective because it’s not grounded in human life. It does not have a body of flesh and blood in this world, all a result of millions of years of evolution.
Mostly resting before the traveling.
Sunday October 4 – Oslo to Budapest
Morning & early afternoon
I slept very deeply for a couple of hours, then woke up for the usual reason. Got up at 3am and did the final removal of things from my suitcase, as I so often do at the last moment! I decided to not bring a heavy duffel coat, the MacBook, and a pair of cool boots. I’ll just rely on a couple of jackets and sweaters, the iPad, and one pair of extra comfy Keen shoes.
Took a taxi to the airport which feels like a luxury, and also being gentle with myself. Easy journey otherwise.
The Airbnb is right by the first stop of the AirPort Express bus. Went for a walk in the neighborhood and across the bridge. The the obligatory and delicious goulash, and a decadent waffle with chocolate and Bailey’s. Read the first chapter in My Invented Country by Isabel Allende that I got at the airport in Oslo for the purpose of reading in cafés here when I need some rest.
The Airbnb has large and nice rooms with tall ceilings and lots of light. Some details could be better – a few lamps need repair or are repaired with clothes pins, a cupboard is damages, and so on. But that’s OK. I needed to wash the sheets since they smell strongly of perfume. I should have asked the host to wash them with perfume-free detergent.
Working on my system with Vortex Healing
I have energized my system a bit today, and I also thought of how I have worked on my system with Vortex Healing over the last ten years.
I started with working on my energy system, both on my own and through receiving sessions from more advanced students. This has been a focus up until now, and still is to some extent, especially as maintenance.
The first five years, I also worked a lot on the Epstein-Barr virus in my kidneys which was likely the trigger of the CFS, and also Lyme and co-infections (I got Lyme about half a year? before I found Vortex Healing). I got free of both the virus and the Lyme and co-infections just before the pandemic started. That helped enormously. The main effect on the CFS was that I no longer had the big swings in condition from feeling better to dramatic worsening again. It all stabilized, likely also because I learned better pacing and took it more seriously.
This summer, I have started to work more deeply with my organs. I took my liver and kidneys through the organ protocol, and have done maybe a third of the protocols for my brain and nervous system (CNS, PNS). This work seems to make a big difference, and I may be just 10% into it so far. I still need to go deeper and finish the work on my brain and nervous system, also also work on other organs and systems, maybe first the digestive system and lungs.
Monday October 5 – Budapest
Morning
I slept from 6pm last night to 8am this morning! With a brief exception around 9-10pm where I helped AL with her ticket and arrival info. It feels amazing to sleep in a quiet place and my system was catching up from many nights with interrupted sleep.
I am organizing a bit here at the Airbnb, then out for a café and meet AL and her mum. I am looking forward to it, although a little concerned that AL and I won’t have much time together alone.
Afternoon & evening
I met AL and her mum at the bus stop, went back to the apartment, and then early goulash lunch at a restaurant nearby. Walked around the neighborhood and across Liberty bridge, had some delicious lavender ice cream, and then Indonesian dinner.
Somewhat emotionally confused with my relationship with AL.
Tuesday October 6
Slept well & dreams of war
Went to bed early and slept very well, especially after I remembered to clean this new (to me) bed energetically. (I slept in another bed last night since the sheets for mine were still drying.)
AL said she dreamt of war last night, and it felt like a premonition. Starting a couple of months before the pandemic (2020) she had a similar sense and similar premonitory dreams. It again reminds me of my recurrent dream in 2022, for several months after the Russian invasion of Ukraine, of a widening war in Europe that would also involve Norway.
Afternoon
We took the old tram (no. 2) along the river to Buda, and saw the castle, palace, had a delicious lunch at the Royal Guard Café, went to the Matthias Church and the Fisherman’s Bastion, and then delicious food again at Rétesvár in a charming tunnel shaped alley. Then Bolt home. It was a very good day. Sometimes, doing the usual tourist activities is the perfect choice.
Wednesday October 7
Wired
I had Coca Cola late afternoon as an emergency boost, and although it did its job at the movement, it had (somewhat predictable) after effects. My system felt very wired and I didn’t sleep very much. Felt groggy in the morning and early afternoon, and then much better after walking in the sun, sitting in a park, and channeling quite a bit for myself – mostly to catch up, integrate, and energize.
Discovering new neighborhoods
AL and her mum was going to the thermal bath in the city park in the morning, so I went out on my own towards the city center. Many interesting neighborhoods and shops. I sat in a park for a while, read more in Allende’s My Invented Country, and channeled for myself to help recover from the lack of sleep. A very nice afternoon. Sunny and comfortable temperatures.
AL and her mum enjoyed their walk and the weather too much so they decided to wait with the baths until tomorrow. We met up later in the afternoon in the Inner City neighborhood, a little closer to the river than where I was. Sat by the river and watched the sunset, and then a delicious dinner at Belvárosi Disznótoros. Very beautiful neighborhood and streets.
Taken for a local
Yesterday, when I had a big camera and was with AL and her mum, everyone treated us as tourists and spoke English to us. Today, when I was without my camera and on my own, the locals consistently spoke Hungarian to me…! I enjoyed it, and I guess I look generic European enough to be taken for a Hungarian. Also, it seems that there are several different types of Hungarian, unsurprisingly since it’s quite central and at a kind of crossroads in Europe.
A different sensitivity after Amma‘s ashram
I used to be able to have an emergency Coca Cola, or a cup of coffee, or even a very occasional glass of vine or some dark beer in a pub. It didn’t feel that great in my body, but it was manageable.
This year, it has been different. I had some beer at a pub in London in March, and felt awful for three days after. When I had a cup of coffee a couple of weeks ago in Oslo, I didn’t sleep much the night after. And when I had a Coca Cola yesterday, the same happened.
It seems my system is even more sensitive than it used to be, and I wonder if it has to do with being at Amma’s ashram last winter. At least, there seems to be a difference before and after.
Thursday October 8
Morning
I slept very well and feel more rested and refreshed. Also continued to channel last night and this morning for catching up, integration, and energisation, which makes a big difference.
AL and her mum went to the thermal baths, and I stayed at the Airbnb for a bit to catch up with a few things – registering for the Airbnb in Vienna, writing here, exploring things to do in Vienna, catching up with friends, and so on.
I spent some time finding an Airbnb in Vienna and filling out an excessively long and detailed form for the Airbnb in Vienna. The initial address was on a peaceful residential street, and after filling out the form, they gave me the actual address which was on a very busy street and next to the railroad. (I checked the traffic on that street. In 2010, they had 58,000 vehicles a day!) The host could not tell me whether the bedrooms faced the busy street or a quiet courtyard, so I cancelled.
Had a nice walk in the afternoon in a neighborhood closer to the center of Pest. Beautiful old buildings and many trees on some streets. Met up with AL and her mum for late lunch, then walked around for a bit. Got another Airbnb in Vienna in the late evening, which was not an easy process, likely mostly because I was exhausted and my brain didn’t work very well. I lapsed into an old stress-reaction for a minute, and then shifted out of it again.
Friday October 9 – Budapest -> Vienna
Travel
We took an enjoyable and comfortable train ride to Vienna.
When we bought the train ticket, we saw that one seat in our four-seat area was already taken. I had an image of a middle aged blond woman, and that was exactly the woman we had as a seat-mate. She read a book in Hungarian about holistic health.
Vienna
Turns out that our Airbnb in Vienna is very nice and comfortable. We went to a traditional Austrian restaurant/pub and I had a vegetarian dish.
Then a walk in our neighborhood at sunset. First, to a large church then along a small winding road going uphill to the forest with a long series of incredible buildings. Just about every house was unique, beautiful, and creatively and playfully designed. It seemed like a street full of houses designed by architects for themselves as passion projections.
A good conversation with AL in the evening. We are able to have a real conversation about difficult things in the past, finally. Then a very good sleep.
Saturday October 10
Vienna
A nice breakfast at the Airbnb, then to center of the city and St. Stephen’s Cathedral, walked around in that neighborhood and to Stadtpark, and spent most of the afternoon at Nachmarkt. Seemingly an endless row of food stalls! Back late afternoon. I slept for a bit. A long conversation with AL until 2:30am. We were able to talk more deeply again. This Airbnb seems conducive to deep conversations.
P.S. I accidentally added a couple of photos from a few days later but left them since they visually fit nicely here.
Sunday October 11
Dream fragment: Destruction of Europe
I woke up with a dream fragment / sentence: The destruction of Europe. Not sure if this is because of the general apocalyptic and doom scenarios and mood in Europe these days, or more premonitory. And if it is a premonition, what it actually means. Is it unraveling through social media disinformation and polarization like we see in the US? A collapse of the AMOC? Related to Russia?
Of course, in my inner world, it has to do with my inner Europe. It may have to do with the unraveling of images and idealisation of Europe and Central European culture. I still very much enjoy being here, but see it differently than I did early in life. I am more viscerally aware of how much has been built on colonization and extraction of resources from other parts of the world, and I am more aware of how those attitudes are still here.
The day
Slept very well, and another very nice breakfast at the apartment. Some kind of parade on the nearby main street, with brass band. AL and her mum went to the Danube and central Vienna for the afternoon. I stayed at the apartment and caught up with a few things – washing dishes, washing clothes, organizing a bit, catching up with friends, resting, energizing and catching up my system, writing here, looking at options for me in December and January, and so on.
A new start?
A possibly big shift between AL and me in the evening. We’ll see how it unfolds.
Update a few days later: I am updating my calendar and see that this day, October 11, is when we initially connected on Facebook eight years earlier. Interesting synchronicity.
There is another synchronicity here, and that is that eight years ago, when we initially connected, she was traveling Europe with her father. Now, she is traveling Europe with her mum. The first phase, masculine, the second phase, feminine.
And another synchronicity: Two or three days before going to Budapest, I got fascinated with Berghain by Rosalía, without knowing what the song was about. I listened to it several times, and then realized it’s about a relationship with challenges that seem impossible to resolve, and where divine intervention seems the only solution. A and I both feel that what happened with us was divine intervention.
Synchronicity
I went to the toilet in the morning and took the time to ask the angels for help with a situation. Next time I went to the toilet, in the afternoon, a feather was on the floor at the entrance to the toilet. It must have come in through the open window.
Monday October 12
Lilliputian train, Albertina
Went to Prater and took the Lilliputian train through the park and forest, then the Albertina Museum with a Picasso/Bacon exhibit that was more interesting than I expected. Delicious Chinese street food, and back in the evening. More deep conversation with AL, difficult to put into words how different our connection is now.
Tuesday October 13
Library and opera
We went to the national library, the Matthew Cathedral which had an especially strong Christ/angelic presence, and saw the Barber of Seville in the opera – mainly for the building and the experience. The opera itself was a little boring, and the scenography seemed somewhat haphazard and aimless…! I guess it doesn’t matter since a lot of tourists go there as an obligatory Vienna experience.
Disorganized system
My system was disorganized today. I tried channeling to catch up and energize my system, but it didn’t seem to run or work. It was OK until we were back in the evening when the discomfort got stronger and I felt unable to deal with it well. If I was on my own, I would probably have had cola and chocolate which helps reset my system in an emergency. Since I was with others, I got distracted/ felt a bit ashamed of that strategy so didn’t do it. Not a good idea. It led to misunderstandings and friction with AL.
Wednesday October 14
Resolution
AL and I were able to resolve the situation from last night. We both seem committed to working through whatever dynamics are between us and what it brings up in us of old wounds, traumas, and hangups. It feels an important part of my life project. I love her and our relationship more for it.
Freud, strudels & chocolate
I got some new wide toe-box light blue suede Koel shoes exchanged to a better size, went to the Freud museum, and then hot chocolate and apple strudel at Aida and chocolate ice cream at Lindt.
Thursday October 15 – Bratislava
Day visit to Bratislava
We got up early and went to Bratislava on a catamaran. It was a fun ride, and we enjoyed our day-visit to Bratislava. AL and I thought it may even be a good place to live. It has a good energy and people seem relaxed. Even in the city center, the locals walked with no rush. It’s also less expensive than many other places in Central Europe.
Learning to take care of myself (and us)
Late afternoon, we talked about taking the boat or train back to Vienna. I strongly preferred the boat since it was two blocks away, is more fun, we would get the sunset on the river, and it would be a much easier way back to the Airbnb (the direct metro line is just a brief walk from the docking area). The alternative would be the train, with the train station several kilometers away and a much longer and more complicated way back to the Airbnb from the Vienna train station.
AL’s mum preferred the train since she got cold on the boat in the morning (likely from being on the deck for a while!), I wanted to be accommodating, so we chose that option. It ended up being very tiring and much more costly. I got a Bolt car from the Vienna train station to the Airbnb since the alternative would take too much time, and I needed to be back to finish packing and get some sleep for my early flight the next morning.
This is an example of how I am not as clear as I can and want to be. It would likely have been better for everyone if we took the boat, and I could have made that case clearer. Also, an option would be for me to take the boat (less walking, less costly, faster) and for them to take the train.
These situations are also a reminder that I am always 100% responsible for my own actions, even if there are dynamics, issues, and so on explaining why I don’t always make the most wise and kind ones. It feels good to take that responsibility. It brings my choices back to me where they belong.
Friday October 16 – Vienna -> Oslo
To Oslo
AL and I got up early to send me off to the airport and Oslo. It was a very easy trip, and very good to come back to the apartment in Oslo in preparation for the Vortex Healing class – Magical Jewel – starting tomorrow. It was also sad to leave AL but we’ll hopefully see each other again in ten days or so.
Able to do more than I think?
Last night, I was exhausted after a long day in Bratislava, felt my system getting disorganized, and got concerned about my travels today. Somehow, it all went well. I am doing fine. Tired, but otherwise in good shape. That’s partly because AL and I channeled for me. I think it’s also partly because I am – possibly – doing better healthwise.
Over the last year or more, I have found myself in several situations where I do more physically than I planned and I feel is wise with my CFS and PEM, and it turns out to be fine.
I’ll keep working on my organs, taking them through the VH protocols, and I suspect my health will get even better. My kidneys and brain are a priority, and then lungs and other organs.
Saturday October 17
Sleep, cleaning, organizing
I slept 11 hours! That’s very unusual for me. It must be from all the activities over the last two weeks, and it could have to do with the group field for the class starting today.
Then cleaned the floor and kitchen. I like to be in a clean and organized space, and actually love cleaning. (I love cleaning internally and externally.) Also went for a walk in the autumn sun and got some groceries.
Optimizing energy channels for my kidneys
I took some time to clear/optimize the energy channels for my kidneys (feeding/within), and noticed I was flooded with memories of annoying and stupid things people have said a long time ago. I guess those got stuck there. Mostly, it had to do with not feeling seen. People assuming things about me and speaking and acting based on those assumptions without checking if they were accurate or not.
I continued to optimize the energy channels feeding my kidneys off and on, along with catching up my system and channeling Aliveness for all the cells in my system. The energy channels seem OK now, but there is more than can be done.
I plan on channeling for each specific type of energy channel since that goes deeper, and also channel more Aliveness specifically for my kidneys.
Vortex Healing class
The Magical Jewel class started mid-afternoon. As soon as it started, I got a strong headache, tension in my shoulders and neck, and felt quite sick. That lasted until into the second period after “lunch” break. Still, grateful to be in the class. It’s doing something. The class ended after midnight. (It runs on EST.)
Sunday October 18
The morning
I felt a bit wired when going to bed after class last night. (The class is from mid-afternoon to midnight each day.) Likely because of some chocolate I had that evening, and possibly also from the transmissions. Woke up early this morning and cleaned and organized a bit more in the apartment. HRH is back tonight so I wanted to have everything ready.
Otherwise, a nice and quiet morning. I am channeling Aliveness for my kidneys and feel them become more soft, moist, and alive. Update: I channeled Harmonics for my kidneys in the evening since Aliveness seemed to have “filled up”.
Also, I am reminded of how nice it was to have two weeks in apartments – in Budapest and Vienna – with quiet neighbors. Or, at least, apartments where you can’t hear the neighbors for whatever reason. Here, the upstairs neighbors are making a raucous starting at 6am and going off and on until late at night. I am curious if they don’t understand how much it impacts others.
Food
A relatively typical food day for me today, with one or two exceptions.
In the morning, a tangerine followed by delicious oatmeal porridge – oats, coconut flakes, apple, seed mix, cooked for a few minutes, with blueberries and cinnamon on top.
Lunch was pasta (a good quality one) with a salad – spinach, red peppers, seed mix, feta cheese, and olive oil. (I didn’t have tomatoes or other vegetables today.)
Through the day, spice and herbal teas. I start the day with herbal tea and often wait a while with breakfast. I drink several cups in the morning and early afternoon, and then much less late afternoon and almost nothing in the evening.
As snacks, nuts and more fruit. I also had some darkish chocolate after starting class. It helps my system regulate it seems. (Likely also the sugar.)
Today’s music
Baka Beyond / Orchestre Baka Gbiné and related music today.
Monday October 19
kidneys – biomagnetics,