Category: dream

Dream: Nazis and crown prince

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I am related to the crown prince through marriage, and we are in the same room. Nazi WWII soldiers come and occupy the house we are in, and the town as well. I am passive in the dream, faced with a situation I don’t seem to be able to do much about.

Well, this is a typical shadow dream, with the shadow taking the form of one of the favorite bad guys in European culture – WWII Nazi soldiers. Knowing that showed me that there are shadow elements in my life now that “wants” to be made conscious (not a big surprise) but didn’t tell me much more, so I decided to use active imagination to explore it further.

I notice that I was relatively passive in the dream, but to engage with the soldiers I need to take on – and engage – with more strength. I talk to the soldiers, asking them who they are and why they are there. Initially, they don’t answer, but one sits down and smokes a cigarette nearby. I notice the strength in him. After puffing a couple of times, he starts talking and says that he represents an active attitude to life – strength, activity and engagement. I take on these qualities myself, and as I do, the soldiers fade more into the background and the situation shifts into becoming far more manageable and workable.

The dream is showing me something I have noticed in my waking life, but not taken all that seriously… it is nudging me to pay more attention to it, and to take it more seriously.

My conscious interest lately has been in surrendering identification with the content of awareness, including the different aspects of this personality. In theory, and when it happens more fully, this allows the whole of the individual to be expressed more fully, including its strength and active engagement in life. But before that shift happens, there is a tendency to disown the active engagement in the process of surrendering.

There is a lack of differentiation between surrendering identification with any content, and of the content itself, so there is a disowning of aspects of the content – in this case the active attitude.

My job then is to allow more fully the active attitude, and also surrender identification with it. And in my daily life, noticing headlessness seems to be the easiest way to do that.

Additional notes

When something is disowned, it is because our conscious attitude does not fully allow it. It is seen as “bad” one way or another. So when it shows up in dreams, it takes on an image which our culture tends to view as “bad” as well, in this case Nazi soldiers. As the qualities they represent are more fully, wholeheartedly and consciously embraced, their form typically change into something more benevolent. (In this particular case of active imagination, I consciously took on their qualities, and they faded away.)

And I still need to explore the presence of the crown prince in the dream.

tagged: currently, own dream, shadow   

Dream: adZeita – discovering a new and more comprehensive tradition

moe 2 Comments

I see a young Indian looking man by a table in a room, displaying a range of books. It turns out that the books are from an Indian tradition I have not heard about before. I recognize a man pictured on front of one video as someone I had seen earlier the same day in a different context, and get interested.

It turns out that this tradition is more comprehensive and clear than any other, and includes yet also goes far beyond practices and insights from other traditions. The title of the books say “adZeita” (!) which also turns out to be the name of the traditions.

I am shown a diagram which demonstrates how this traditions compares with the other ones: adZeita has 40+ books, Hinduism (including Adveita) has twelve or thirteen, Buddhism eight, Christianity three, and Islam one. The number of books indicates how comprehensive the approach is.

I ask more specific questions, and learn that this tradition emphasizes both Enlightenment (Big Mind awakening to itself) and also Self-Realization (deepening into the evolving fullness of who we are as human and soul). Enlightenment is considered a quite early and simple shift in the overall process and more attention is put on the process of Self-Realization.

I tell the man that I am not looking for any traditions or practices right now, I am happy with what I have, but since adZeita is so clear and inclusive – including any practice I am familiar with – I have to look into it further, and maybe take it as my main guide from now on.

The name adZeita sounded like a slightly embarrassing misspelling of Adveita in the dream. Staying with it after waking up I see that it is a combination of Adveita and Zeit which is the German word for time. Adveita is the nondual and timeless, form as emptiness, and Zeit is the unfolding of form over time, emptiness as form. Together, it is Adveita embracing time and the evolution, development, maturing and unfolding of form over time.

As the dream made clear, this tradition includes any practices and insights from any other tradition, presented in a far clearer (and more contemporary) way, and also goes far beyond in its scope.

There was no secrecy around it, just simplicity and clarity. I was surprised I hadn’t heard about it before, but now had to acknowledge that I have to look into it further – especially as it already includes any practice I am familiar with.

The sense of clarity and comprehensiveness is one that has come up in my waking life in different ways for quite a while – more recently through The Center for Sacred Sciences, Almaas, Barry and Karen, and also (and maybe especially) through my own explorations.

The number of books in each tradition does not quite correspond with my conscious view, especially in placing Islam so far behind the others…!

Overall, the dream seems a little silly to my conscious view – both as it happened and now. At the same time, it seems to tell me to take this sense of clarity and comprehensiveness more seriously.

tagged: enlightenment, integral, own dream, self-realization, traditions   

Dream: old man returning

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I return to a place where I used to live. It is rural and beautiful, and I go for a hike through the landscape. It is partly savanna, and partly deciduous forest. I then climb up a steep area which turns out to be a free climbing practice area. As I am about to pull myself up the last foot, a woman below calls out to me. I realize that I am 138 (?) years old, and she takes me to my old house and to meet a woman who is my god-daughter. She is now 84 and the only one still alive of the ones I used to know. Still, they all know who I am and I am warmly welcomed by everyone. I have lived a long, rich life, and feel as young as ever in spite of my age.

As the dream continues, I am young again. The strongest experience in the dream was the beauty of the landscape, the warmth of connection with the people – even if they didn’t know me personally, and a sense of having lived a long and rich life. This dream has the same quality of a wide embrace as some other recent ones.

tagged: own dream   

Dream: a blind mulatto who can see clearer than seeing folks

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A middle aged mulatto walks down by a river, and goes into the remains of a large wooden ship there. He is blind, but is somehow able to see perfectly well, and even better and more clearly than many seeing people.

He meets someone in the ship, they ask him a question, and he tells them about experiments that can reveal their connection with God. They are curious, and also surprised that experiments can lead in that way. They are also curious about this mulatto man, and invites him along with their buddies.

As the story unfolds, they give him several tests to see if he really can see as, or more, clearly than many seeing people. At one point, they give him a cigar and he has to mirror the sequence of one or two puffs of a man several feet away. He is somehow so intimately familiar with the terrain that seeing people are familiar with, and beyond, that the tests are no problem for him at all.

They gradually grow to trust him, and invite him to join their judo club. He learns the rules, and is about to do a match, which also is part of the landscape he is intimately familiar with.

There is a sense of clarity, solidity & emptiness, and a simple confidence and ease about him and throughout the dream. A sense of intimate familiarity with a vast terrain, including and beyond what most seeing people are familiar with.

The dream seems to be set in the early 1900s, in a simple working class neighborhood. The group of people the mulatto man befriends is a group of neighbors, but also almost like a gang (although friendly when they accept someone into their group.) The dream was very much like a movie: very coherent, clear, seen from the outside as in a movie, and going from one scene to the next moving the story line along. The temporary climax was going to be the judo match, although I woke up as they prepared.

The sense of being intimately familiar with a vast terrain, including and beyond what most people are familiar with, is one that has come up in waking life for me more recently, as a taste, a sense of how it can be. The seeing people in the dream represent familiarity with the human life only, and the blind man sees that and far beyond.

The mulatto in the dream was very similar to someone I met on the bus yesterday, a friend of the “green” friend on mine I mentioned in a previous post. He struck me as open, clear and grounded, with a sense of ease and confidence.

tagged: familiarity with the terrain, own dream   

Dream: snow on fire

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I see a snow covered mountain landscape with the snow on fire. A voice also says “snow on fire.”

I woke up from this dream image, and when I fell asleep again, it came up again, with the same voice saying “snow on fire.”

The snow covers the whole landscape, apart from some peaks, and is fresh and white. The flames are clear, calm, tall and stable.

This reflects what comes up in daily life these days: passion with a depth of clear calm peace.

This depth of peace is partly the void, ground, emptiness, which is the depth of anything arising, and it is partly the luminous blackness (two aspects of the same.) It is the nurturing peace of Spirit filtered through the belly center, balancing out the fire of the head center.

More about this:

After a long period of dryness and lack of passion during the dark night, there are now more moments of passion surfacing, a passion with a deep calm depth, beautifully reflected in the dream image of snow on fire. The passion is the fire, rising out of the depth of peace, void and stillness. (I am amazed of the creativity of what they in Process Work call the “dream maker”, the source of the dreams. This is an image I would not have come up with consciously.)

Exploring it more consciously, I see that the peace has two distinct (although closely related) aspects. One is the void, ground, emptiness, which is the depth of anything arising. The other is the fertile darkness (composting) and the luminous blackness, with the same void, ground and stillness, but also nurturing. Both allows passion to arise, with a depth of peace.

tagged: endarkenment, fertile darkness, luminous blackness, own dream, passion, three centers   

Dream: Gathering of yogis

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I am in a gathering of yogis, and a voice introduces a couple of people to the group, and then me as yogi rajma. The yogis are all mature and seasoned, and very familiar with the vast terrain of the divine human.

As I woke up from this dream, the name was opaque to me and didn’t ring any bells. I only thought it sounded vaguely like a (Sanskrit) yogi name.

What struck me the most from the dream was the depth of maturity of everyone there, and also that I – somehow – was not out of place at all. Nobody questioned by presence there, including myself, as it was obvious to all that we were all intimate and familiar with the same terrain. This is quite a contrast to my conscious view of myself which is (a) not at all a yogi (don’t practice any conventional forms of yoga), and (b) as not very seasoned or mature in it either. The dream may be telling me that this is yet another identity I use to box myself in with, and it is time to allow it to soften, to open for some other possibilities – at least in the future.

Although all of the yogis are deeply familiar with the same terrain, and are deeply intimate in that way, there is also a wide diversity in appearances, flavors and approaches. I am a wild Milarepa type yogi, or that was at least my background. I didn’t know what my flavor would be now or in the future.

I went to our monthly diksha group meeting (we are doing other things right now) and asked a Kundalini Yoga instructor there for help with the name, Rajma. She didn’t know either at first. I mentioned that I thought it may be a composite, Raj-ma. She then noted that raj means royal. And ma of course means mother. The Royal Mother. Or the divine feminine.

And this, of course, makes perfect sense. The divine feminine. The fertile darkness. The luminous blackness. Spirit filtered through the belly center. Yin. Feminine. Nurturing. Deep silence. The coolness to balance out the fire of the yang awakening, Spirit filtered through the head center. The nurturing and immanence to balance out the impersonal and transcendent.

Since this shift, there has been a sense of deepening or maturing in a different way – a beginning, with some glimpses of the depth it may lead to.

Right now – I am one led and guided by the divine feminine, the fertile darkness – allowing hangups and knots of this human self to be composted, and the luminous blackness shining from within everything.

Dreams often correct, balance out, or expand the embrace of our conscious view. And this dream certainly does so. It is very difficult to think of myself as a yogi, and even thinking of myself as one guided by the divine feminine is quite a stretch. (In spite of the ways I have explored it on this blog.) So the dream invites me to soften those old identities, and make my conscious embrace a little wider.

It is funny that I was a wild Milarepa type yogi in the dream. That part at least fits how I see it, as an unintentionally slightly wild guy not following any particular traditional path strictly. Again, that is not what I consciously would have chosen for myself. I would be very happy and comfortable with a more traditional path, if I only had found one inclusive enough, where I am located, and where the cultural gulf was not too wide… (I was happy at the Zen center until a sequence of events was set in motion so I ended up – against my deeper wish – moving to another state.) It is at least open for something else now, and in the future.

tagged: endarkenment, fertile darkness, immanence, luminous blackness, own dream, yogi   

Dream: retreated ocean

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I am visiting a man who lives his life to the fullest, in abundance in every area of life.

His house is on the Northern California coast, facing the ocean, and there is only a thin strip of black sand between the french windows in the living room and the water. He is late middle age, in very good shape, youthful, an avid surfer and outdoors man, in addition to being engaged and sophisticated in society as well (possibly business and sustainability.) The house is beautiful and rugged, relatively small, cubic in shape, with a very tasteful and functional interior, and only the most basic neccesities. I notice how this simplicity allows him to bring energy to what is more important to him.

He takes me out the door, down the beach, and then out to where the ocean was just as few minutes ago. It seems that the ocean has receded, maybe several miles out. Our path takes us among some tall craggy rocks, and fear comes up. Will I be able to return to the beach and the house if the ocean returns? Somehow, I know that he is safe even if the ocean returns. He is so comfortable and familiar with it, so at one with it, that it cannot harm him. They are not two, so no harm is possible.

This dream is similar to the swelling ocean dream from May last year, although in this dream, the ocean has retreated (before possibly returning.) The man reminds me of Paul Hawken who I see as someone who lives a life of abundance in many areas, including being engaged in creating a more life-centered society, focusing on business practices that are life-centered at many levels (profitable, good for earth and society.) His life – and house – is simple, yet beautiful, reflecting his personality and interests. He takes me out on the ocean floor, where the ocean was only minutes earlier. And it is clear that the ocean will not harm him. He is so at one with the ocean that there is no Other there to harm him. But there is still the question about what will happen with me if the ocean returns.

This theme is the same as from the May dream. This is what I wrote then:

… what stays with me from this dream is how I already know how to deal with the swelling and dramatic ocean – I know how it functions from the inside, there is no separation between us yet there is also room for distinction, I know how to flow and roll with it, yet also taking care of myself and others. I am fluid enough with it to even save others within it…

The dream also seems to be about death (and rebirth). In alchemical terms, this particular phase is the solutio, a dissolving, a temporary return to a fluid state, which can be experienced as a death, as being swallowed up, even drowning. This brings up fear as (parts of) what I know myself as will die. Yet, the man in the dream is a guide out into it, and also shows me that it is possible to be so fluid and familiar with the process that there is no fear.

In practical terms, it means to notice beliefs and identities (two sides of the same coin), their consequences, and then allowing the identification with them to relax. The stronger the initial identification, the more it will be experienced as a death. (It is a death of the identification, but since we are, yes, identified with it, it is what I take myself to be that dies. The experience is of “I” dying.)

The black sand may have to do with the endarkenment. Vast luminous blackness, a fullness, nurturing, deep silence. That which all form arises within and as, and which is inside of all forms. It holds all experiences in its soft embrace, including fear, and death, and even rebirth.

tagged: own dream, solutio   

Dream: guide on a pilgrim circuit

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I am in Kirkenes in Northern Norway, north of the arctic circle. I am shown that I am to be the guide on a pilgrim circuit, linking together several new churches and science centers. Everything has a sense of clarity, luminosity and beauty… the landscape, the wildlife, the people, the buildings. There is a sense of new inner clarity, maturity, depth and responsibility, reflected in my new outer role as a guide for those in the region, as well as visitors from other areas.

The name Kirkenes means Church peninsula. And while I have rarely been in the arctic regions, I have always been attracted to the stark beauty and the clear light.

In the dream, I lead groups on a pilgrimage circuit connecting several new churches and science centers, the two main realms of human knowing… spirituality and science. There is a sense of the seamlessness of the two… a church, then a science center, then a church.. as beads on a string. Exploring existence from different angles, informing each other, applying scientific methods in spiritual practice, studying the effects of spiritual practice through science.

There is also a sense of it all being new, unspoiled, virgin… the buildings, the settlements, the landscape, the climate. All new, luminous, clear. And with it, this sense of new depth, solidity, maturity, responsibilities… emerging from the inside, reflected in my role in the outside.

tagged: own dream, science, spirituality   

Exertion, health and dreams

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Since childhood, I have experienced an unusual pattern where strong physical exertion is followed by being nonfunctional for about a day (and no, this is not the usual tiredness that comes after exercise.) I usually have no choice but to go to bed and sleep it out.

It is workable in the sense that it has a predictable pattern: It only happens when I exert myself at 80-90% (or beyond) of what I am capable of, independent of what shape I am in. This means that I have been able to mostly avoid it by doing gentler forms of exercise like hiking, biking and swimming, and avoiding the forms of exercise where I more easily go into over-exertion, such as running.

But even if I am mindful of this, I now and then go over the invisible boundary and reap the consequences, and yesterday was one of those days. I chopped firewood Monday night, and must have gotten a little too enthusiastic about it.

That same night, there was a sense of something physically off, and nothing I did – water, food, self-breemas – seemed to correct it. And waking up the morning after, all of the usual symptoms of over-exertion were there. (Although since this has not happened for a while, I didn’t make the connection until much later in the day when it started to clear up.)

It is as if the body-mind wants to shut down, a sense of stagnation throughout, and a feeling that everything is off and wrong. At the mind level, there is a strong sense of dullness and I go easier into contractions, such as irritability and grumpiness over things not going my way (the good part about that is that I not only get to see parts of my shadow more clearly, but also experience it from the inside, becoming it.) At the physical level, my body wants to shut down and sleep, and when I do, it is almost as if going into a coma. I usually shift out of it within 8-12 hours, typically after a nap, and I often feel stronger and clearer afterwards than I did before it happened (maybe due to the rest.)

This time, I noticed two dreams I though were interesting, especially as they seem to reflect entering into and moving out of the collapse phase.

Dream Tuesday morning: I am in a house that is not quite home

I am in a house which is very close to home, in the neighborhood of home, but not quite home. And there are many slightly odd things happening there, including problems with communication. I try to call someone, but the phone doesn’t work. I talk with people, and there is miscommunication. Everything seems a little off, and nothing I do seems to change it.

Dream Tuesday evening: someone tells me it has cleared

Towards the end of a nap, I am dreaming that someone tells me that there has been a shift into being healed. Waking up, I did experience a noticeable shift and felt much better, as if the fog had cleared, although some things were still being worked out.

Dreams faithfully reflecting what is going on

The house dream reflects entering into the pattern, of being close to home (same body-mind) but not quite at home (not functioning in a familiar way, or according to my – ideal – self-image.) And the healing dream reflects shifting out of it.

Maybe the most interesting part of this to me is that I didn’t seem to need the dreams to tell me about these shifts… both were abundantly clear in my waking state. But the dreams even then did their job faithfully and sincerely, reflecting what is going on in this body-mind.

If anything, seeing this makes me appreciate their work even more.

tagged: dreams, health, own dream   

Dream: Informing and a backlash

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I inform on somebody in my own circle, and end up spending a good deal of energy hiding from them.

I don’t remember many of the details of this dream, but this seems to be the essence. I was part of a larger social group, and some were involved in very questionable behavior (organized crime of some sort.) They had initially invited me to join, I said no, and then later decided that it was in the public interest to inform on them. In this case, the public interest was clearly more important than (misguided) loyalty. They heard about it, there were quite a few of them (5 or 8), they were ruthless, and they were looking for me, so I went into improvised hiding. First, part way down a convoluted streambed leading down a hillside to the ocean, then up on a loft, and some other places. The others wanted to help me, but didn’t quite know how.

This dream is very similar to one I had in November, and also to some previous ones.

Staying with the dream after waking up, it seems to have a connection with self-inquiry. When I do self-inquiry, discover that the whole sense of I seems to be a fabrication, and also is the immediate cause of any dissatisfaction in my life, it is, in a way, a betrayal of who I have taken myself to be.

I take myself to be this person, yet through examination find that not to be so, and betray my old identity, what I have spent a (short) lifetime to build up, what I am most familiar with.

In voice dialog terms, the voices (subpersonalities) that were often taken as an I, closely identified with, placed on the king’s throne, are revealed to have no inherent I, become less closely identified with, and do not get access to the throne very frequently. If it is done skillfully, they will find their new role and be happy with that. But if it is done hastily and with less respect for these voices, they may certainly become upset, want revenge and try to sabotage the new order, and for good reason.

I haven’t done voice dialog/Big Mind process on myself for a while, so this dream is an invitation to do that again. To see how the voices are doing, who are disgruntled (always for a good reason) and how things can be set more right.

One issue I see, and have seen for a while, is that when I do self-inquiry, there is a slight element of pushing there… of “knowing” what to look for, a slight impatience to “get there”, and of revealing the selflessness of what I often take for I. There is a disrespect inherent in this, a forcefulness, a resistance to what is and how the voices currently show up, that does nobody any favors (not what I then take as myself, which is the voice of self-inquiry, nor any of the other voices.)

There is probably more to this dream as well, maybe other areas where this pattern comes up.

tagged: big mind process, currently, own dream, resistance   

Dream: detective work (lila)

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I have been given the task of tracing a person, and it turns out to involve many people and situations, and a large amount of drama and surprising twists and turns. Finally, as it reaches its climax, I find the person at the bottom level of a very tall building. It turns out that my client and the target, and several others involved, were all the same person. I notice how it seems that everyone and everything were that same person, apart from me searching (and working) for him, and it puzzles me.

As I wake up, I stay with the discrepancy of everyone being the same person, apart from me as the searcher. I also realize that the dream seems to be all form the felt-sense perspective, not the conscious view, and that at this felt-sense level, there is indeed a sense of I and Other, I as searcher (doer, chooser) and Other as anybody and anything else. The dream seems to be a reminder for me to notice that, take it into account… there is still a sense of I and Other at the felt-sense level.

The dream is a variation of Lila… God playing hide and seek with itself, through all of us seeking God, and then realizing that there never was anybody or anything but God in this whole drama.

And it is also another variation of the dream of a composer who is a composite of many composers, and his instrument which can make the sounds of many instruments. The individuality of each is preserved, many combinations are available, yet as one composer and one instrument.

tagged: lila, one taste, own dream   

Dreams: journey and combined composer

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I live in an intentional community with several Breema practitioners, and am enjoying the nourishing, warm and human connections there. At the same time, I am about to go on a journey that I know will involve my death, and there is a sense of equanimity about it, an alignment with it, and also a knowing that there is no other option.

Arvo Part, Bach and several others of my most favorite composers come to our house in the form of one person. It seems that he is coming to stay for good. He has an instrument, acoustic and with several organic looking pipes sticking up form it. It can create the sound of any instrument, and the sounds of individual instruments and groups of instruments, including a whole orchestra. The sounds are not only similar to these other instruments, but somehow the actual sounds of the instruments.

The death theme of the initial dream fragment is typical these days, with a sense of death and rebirth at several levels and in several ways.

The composer who is a composite of my favorite composers (and all other composers it seemed), is similar to his instrument which is able to reproduce all other instruments. There is one which contains many, and the individuality of each is maintained, along with the infinite variety that emerges from the access to and interactions of all of these individuals.

It is also similar to a dream some months back of someone playing computer role games shifting into having access to innumerable characters at once, either as pure or as freely chosen composites with characteristics from many.

This is what happens when we explore and become familiar with more of our many subpersonalities and identities, release some of the blind and fixed identification with some, allow some that have been disowned, and find that they are each available in a more fluid and free way.

From being chronically attached to some, and equally persistently pushing others away, there is more of a free access to many of them… in their individual form, or as a combination of qualities from several. (I can’t really say that my life is a good example of this, but the possibility may be awakening in me.)

tagged: death and rebirth, identity, own dream, subpersonalities   

Death and rebirth

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The world is a process of death and rebirth on a wide range of scales, from everything dying as what it was and being reborn as something else, continuously, to the death and rebirth within each of our lives, the death and rebirth of stars and solar systems, and possibly of the universe as a whole.

Since going into the diksha process 1.5 years ago, this death and rebirth process within my life has come to the foreground again… The death of old patterns and identities, and something else emerging in its place. It has not always been a pleasant process (it has been miserable at times), and I see that the misery comes from resistance. Whenever there is resistance to experiencing something that needs to be seen, felt, loved, there is drama and stress. And whenever there is resistance to letting a particular identity go, there is the same drama and suffering… proportional to the resistance.

Journeying I: impoverished skeleton, then infusion of alive, intelligent light

Sunday, during the journeying process of allowing knots to emerge, be felt into, and dissolve or morph into something else, two main themes emerged. One was seeing my spine, especially from the tailbone and up to solar plexus, being in deep need of healing, and then my whole skeleton being in deep need of healing, impoverished and having been devoid of life for a long time, going back to childhood.

After being with this for a while, and also being with the deep sadness coming up over this, there was an infusion of golden alive liquid light into the skeleton, first in the lower half of the spine, then throughout the skeleton. An infusion of alive, infinitely intelligent light, as innumerable particles of golden light around the skeleton flowing into the skeleton, gradually filling it up, bringing a deeply needed nourishment and life to the skeleton.

After a while, there was a very strong sense of a physical change in my body as well, corresponding to the infusion of liquid golden healing light into the skeleton.

The alive, infinitely intelligent, loving, receptive and active (when invited) light, is the same as awakened in the heart area a couple of weeks ago, the indwelling God.

And the liquidy softness of it is the fertile softness of the belly center.

Journeying II: being a decomposing body

Later in the process, I found myself as a decomposing body, as the body, slowly decomposing, into dark fertile soil. The volume of sensory input was turned down during this phase, and there was a deep silence and quietness. My physical body stopped breathing for long periods of time, then took a deep breath on its own occasionally (to stay alive), and then going back into not breathing for a while. It was a beautiful process, being the deep silent blackness.

Dream: body stopping to function

This morning, there was a dream of my body stopping to function, first in the legs and then throughout the body, leading into death and decomposing. Again with a sense of it being completely OK, held in deep silence.

tagged: being with, diksha, own dream, three centers   

Dream: the full embrace and deepening embodiment of the life of Christ

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I am organizing an event with a man from Sweden who is coming to prepare us for Christ. He arrives with his family, his wife and children, and the soulful and rich embrace of family, friends, local community, the three centers, and human self, soul and Spirit is essential for the coming and physical embodiment and life of Christ.

Christ is already coming in our community, and the Swedish man and his community arrives as a catalyst for a deeper, more full and mature integration, one that includes all of these – family, friends, community, head, heart, belly, human self, soul and Spirit.

The Christ is coming as a very strong presence and light, golden and red, with blue and green included as strains of light.

The dream, and the sense of Christ awakening in and as the community, was very vivid. Christ awakening as the community of our individual self, embracing head, heart and body, human self, soul and Spirit, and awakening as our human and Earth community of family, friends and local (and global) community.

The soulfulness and maturity, which I find most readily in Scandinavian cultures, is an important catalyst of the embodiment and lived life of Christ. My sense of my own inner and outer community, in the dream and my waking life, is of one that is impoverished, deeply needing this infusion of soulfulness and fullness of life.

tagged: christ, community, embodiment, own dream   

Dream: awakening of the vertebrae

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A spiritual guide, in the form of a young man, tells me that this is an awakening of the vertebrae intelligence, not the usual awakening of the spine intelligence. A bright cool blue light is placed, or awakened, in each vertebrae, by the spinal cord. I see swirling light around the whole spine, and especially in the hara and solar plexus area. It has blue and light green colors, mixed in with golden, red and the other colors of the rainbow.

This dream happened after I spent some time before falling asleep connecting with the alive infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive luminosity. (It seems to be most present in the heart region right now.)

Earlier last night, I realized that this must be the Antaryamin, the indwelling God, Bhagavan mentions.

The young man in the dream is a guide, an awakened one, and reminds me of the young Buddha Sakyamuni or Bhagavan’s senior male dasa. He is a more mature version of the person who, in a previous dream, helped me climb up the final few feet up a tall building He was very clear that this awakening of the intelligence of each vertebrae is more specific than the awakening of the general spine intelligence.

The small sphere of brilliant, cool blue light placed, or awakened, in each vertebrae, by the spinal cord, has the same quality as the brilliant blue of another dream, and it has come up in waking life through photos of the Pleiades showing up in different contexts (for instance a few days ago when some friends of ours showed us a photo of the Pleiades they have hanging in their bedroom).

tagged: antaryamin, currently, endarkenment, own dream   

Dream: the feminine face of God

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I am shown the feminine face of God, as a continuous stream of always something completely new and unexpected. Always doing something beyond what is familiar. Always completely beyond anything that can be grasped by any knowing or expectation.

It shows its nature of cycles, from infinite to finite, light to dark, familiar to unfamiliar.

It goes to infinity, blowing away any identifications. It is the finite in an always entirely new way. It shows itself as an infinity and richness of flavors, textures, dimensions, realms of being.

It is always and continuously entirely new, different, beyond anything known, anything intuited, any identities, anything familiar. It is a wild ride, completely impossible to keep up with in terms of being able to figure out or predict. Any attempt to hold onto anything familiar is exhausted. There is only the surrender to the always new faces of God, the continuous stream of new realms, textures, flavors, unfoldings.

The stream is so continuous, and always so completely unexpected, that there was is choice but to surrender to it. This is the feminine aspect of God, the world of forms, infinite finiteness (!) It is the Self-Realization aspect of awakening, which is infinite, without end, always unfolding in always new and surprising ways. It is the yin awakening, the dance of the infinite fertility of God. It is the perfect and most intimate complement to the yang awakening, of realized selflessness.

It is the always deepening embodiment of realized selflessness, allowing for a more complete abandon to the newness of God, the always utterly surprising unfolding of the infinite fertility of God.

In Ken Wilber’s terminology, it is vertical awakening, the continued development of this human self and essence/soul, as an aspect of the continued evolution of the world of form as a whole. It is the complement to horizontal awakening, to the field of awake emptiness and form awakening to itself, to realized selflessness.

And this realized selflessness is exactly what allows for a deepening into the wild ride of the world of form, always fresh, utterly unexpected, always surprising to itself.

It is what allows God to continuously surprise and be astonished by itself.

I also see how appropriate it was for this dream to come on what we celebrate as the birthday of Jesus who embodied God awakening to itself in such as deep way, and also knew that this deepening would not end with him. (You will do far greater things than I. John 14:12)

tagged: endarkenment, own dream, surrender   

Death and resurrection

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This dream is a direct reflection of what happened as I fell asleep, where I continually surrendered anything and everything to the alive luminous blackness: any identities, all knowing, anything familiar, any remaining toeholds.

There is a real sense of fear here, of death, of complete annihilation. But it is needed, and I feel ready for surrendering it all, completely, over and over. There is no other way. I know deeply that it is the least painful way. Holding onto anything is suffering, and there is no way out except for surrendering it all.

Death and resurrection

Since this came up related to the Christ meditation, I also thought of how Jesus (the man) mirrored this process in his own life. He went through a process of awakening, then a death, and then resurrection.

At some point, we are invited (a polite term!) to surrender it all. To die to all that we know ourselves as. We surrender all identities, all knowing, anything familiar, any remaining toeholds. It all has to go. And it really is experienced as a death, with all the fear and terror that can come up around that. And through that process, that complete willingness to surrender it all, we do die as anything we know ourselves as, and are resurrected into a new life.

Although it isn’t really an invitation. It is a process that goes far beyond our intention or will. We are just swept along with it, almost helplessly. The only thing we can do is to willingly surrender to it, which makes it a little less painful.

And it may also happen many times, in many different ways. Each time surrendering new layers, dieing to current identities and familiar ways of living, and being resurrected into something new. Over and over.

Deaths and resurrections within realized selflessness

Even in the midst of realized selflessness, there are these deaths and resurrections.

There is the realization of everything as always fresh, different and new. There is a deepening into realizing and living from realized selflessness. There is a deepening into new realms of being.

Each of these involves a continuous dying to anything familiar, and a continuous resurrection into a new life.

tagged: christ, currently, own dream, process, surrender   

Dream: leading me to execution

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I am led by the alive luminous blackness, and it takes me to my execution.

It is very vivid. I follow the alive blackness, and am led to a very physical place where I am to be executed by hanging. There is a real sense of fear and terror faced with death.

See next post for more about this.

tagged: currently, endarkenment, own dream   

Dream: Alive luminous blackness

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There is a starfield with strikingly deep velvety blackness and brilliant cool blue stars. The blackness is luminous and alive with infinite intelligence, love, receptivity and responsiveness. A voice says “this is the end of anything organized”.

The starfield has the fertile deep black qualities of the endarkenment, and also the aliveness, intelligence, love and receptivity of the alive luminosity. It combines both.

And there is a knowing that the presence of this alive luminous blackness means the end of anything organized, in the sense of pre-structured and planned, coming from the outside or from the mind. From now on, the luminous blackness is a guide for what unfolds.

tagged: alive lumonosity, currently, endarkenment, own dream   

Dream: destroying the boats

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I have crossed a vast river with a group of people, and we are just settling in. I tell somebody I am going down to the shore to destroy the boats.

The sense in the dream and after I woke up is that the river is the river of Samsara, of blind identification with our human self, with a segment of Spirit, the field of awake emptiness and form. The river is so wide that it forms the horizon. There is a sense of quiet calmness in destroying the boats, we all know it is a good thing to do.

Although it doesn’t quite seem that I am on the other shore yet, it seems important to destroy the vehicles that can bring me back in the other direction. These days, I am more acutely aware of the identities I still hold onto which splits the world into I and Other, and the importance of seeing through them.

The dream has a slightly dualistic feel to it (awakening good, delusion bad), but it has a Manjushri’s sword feel to it as well, decisively cutting through delusion.

tagged: currently, own dream   

Dream: Communication between allies

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It is in the 1940s, and Norway and the US are allies but the communications leaves something to be desired. Messages are intercepted and either transmitted to the recipient as blank or garbled. I show an officer one of the blank messages and explained the situation.

Nobody can come up with a solution so I explore it more intently. Finally, I find a way to set direct communication between the two countries, so that there is redundancy built into the system, with many parallel lines of communication sending the same messages.

The system is direct, bypassing any efforts of intercepting and blanking or garbling the messages, and is redundant, so the messages will get through even if blanked or garbled in some instances.

Sunday night, when the alive luminosity came strongly into the foreground, there was a fear coming up as well. Will I loose the connection? Will the messages I send be received? Do I have a clear enough intent?

The dream points to the possibility of a direct communication, and multiple and parallel lines of communication, and possibly that this is already happening. Resiliency is being built into the system, at least if my intent to have it so is clear.

tagged: alive lumonosity, currently, own dream   

Dream: I am a woman in a play

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I am a woman, and one of the actresses in a theater. There are thousands of people in the audience, the play has started, and I am told I am to play the lead female character. I say that I have not seen the script yet, nor the play itself, so I won’t know my lines. My understudy takes on the role this time, and I get the script, watch the play, and will play it from then on.

The endarkenment has all to do with the deep feminine. Yin. Darkness. Earth. Embodiment. Feeling all as Spirit. Reorganizing emotions. And I have had several dreams of this dark feminine, including being in the womb of an immense black goddess.

This time, I am invited to act from and as this deep dark feminine. The audience is seated. The play has started. I am to play the lead female character. But I am unprepared. I have not seen the play, I have not seen the script, nobody told me I would play this character. Luckily, my understudy could take on the role this first time, I can watch it and learn about the role and character, and then play it from then on.

This parallels my experience in waking life. The endarkenment opened up a whole new dimension of being, whole new realms. And it takes some time to compost everything within and as this darkness. To allow emotions to reorganize to everything as felt Spirit. To learn how to live from this. It is a whole new way of being, equally significant as a shift from male to female identity.

tagged: currently, endarkenment, own dream   

Dream: a movie star who is also completely ordinary

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I am on a ferry crossing a large river in the mountains of Norway. The captain is the father of a Dutch friend of mine (Alexa) from the Zen center.

Michael J. Fox is there, and is a good friend of mine. He is very likable, friendly, just an ordinary down-to-earth guy. I ask him if he has always been that way, especially considering how well known and successful he is.

He laughs and says, no. Especially in the eighties, when he was very popular, he was more arrogant. Time has allowed his edges to be more rounded. Although he doesn’t say it in words, I also understand that his illness has allowed him to soften and become more ordinary.

I think the same has happened to me as to Michael Fox in the dream. I used to be far more arrogant, even as I saw it and tried to not express it. Now, there is more of a sense of roundedness, of just ordinariness. It is possible for unusual and even extraordinary things to happen, and still just be an ordinary friendly guy.

And difficult things in life, such as an illness or a dark night, invites this rounding and ordinariness to happen. They are not only a fall from grace, but also a fall into grace.

This dream happened in the morning following the dropping into alive luminosity. There is a sense of deepening into the ordinariness, through the endarkenment and alive luminosity.

tagged: alive lumonosity, currently, endarkenment, own dream   

Dream: animals becoming intelligent in a mature way

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A woman brings her dog to the veterinarian. Within a few minutes, it has become as intelligent as a human. It turns out that all animals, everywhere, are becoming as intelligent as humans, in a very short span of time, and in a very mature and healthy way.

This dream happened the same night as the dropping into alive luminosity. Since the endarkenment, there is a sense of emotions being reorganized within the context of everything as felt Spirit. And the alive luminosity seemed to allow this in an even deeper and more detailed way.

Animals, especially mammals, represent body and emotions, and the dream seems to tell me that these now become intelligent in a way they were not before, in a mature, balanced and healthy way.

This reflects my waking experience with the alive luminosity and endarkenment. It is almost as if the alive luminosity serves as a catalyst for the endarkenment, giving it an additional boost, specificity and aliveness.

tagged: alive lumonosity, currently, endarkenment, own dream   

Dream: giving it all away

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I am in a different culture, and must have moved there since I have all my belongings with me. A kind of festival is coming up, and I am encouraged to contribute to a kind of display. I offer them all I have, including my most personal belongings such as letter, photos, journals, and so on.

To my astonishment, a horde of people show up and take everything. Nothing is left. I tell one of the people in charge that there is a mistake, I would never have contributed all I have, including my most personal belongings, if I had known they would all be lost to me.

She said I had to follow the rules of the game. It turned out later that the ceremony was a way for people to get rid of their excess belongings, to declutter. I felt a mix of terror of having lost everything, any anchor I ever had in the physical world, and also, more distant, a sense that it could be exiting and freeing when I got used to it. Everything would be open. No anchors.

The day residue is from an old Star Trek episode I watched last night, Amok Time (!), where Kirk makes a similar mistake by agreeing to take part in a ritual from a culture foreign to him, and finds that he is getting more than he thought he agreed to.

The experience in the dream is similar to two real-life situations for me.

Identities falling away

One is what happens when there is no identity, as I have explored more over the last few days. Our identity, or identities, is our most intimate and cherished belonging, in a certain way. There is a sense of I, and then all the ways we clothe it up and define it through a set of beliefs, through an identity.

Our identity, especially the most intimate parts of it, gives a sense of security, buffering, familiarity, a point of view, a particular perspective, an anchor. And when we start to explore this identity, and parts of it starts falling away, there is a point of no return.

There is a place where the process cannot be stopped, where it continues all the way, until the last element of an identity falls away and nothing is left, except wide open space. Just awake emptiness and form, allowing any and all perspectives to be taken and explored, fluidly, without getting stuck anywhere.

It looks fine for a while. I can get rid of the clutter in my identity, those parts I didn’t care much for anyway. The excess parts. It feels good. But then, there is a point where the more cherished parts of the identity is questioned, where they too are taken up in the process, where they too start to unravel. And that does not always feel so good. This is where terror comes in, a sense of a terrible mistake being made. But it is too late.

Dark night

The other similarity is the dark night phase, where there was a similar experience of all my cherished belongings being taken away.

Of course, those two, the eroding of identity and a dark night, are not that different from each other. They are two ways of looking at the same process. One of letting go to how we see ourselves, how we define ourselves, our identity, all the way to the core of it.

tagged: currently, dark night, identity, own dream, process   

Dream: all made of rosewood

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Michael Palin and his crew have finished up the Sahara series for BBC. Everything is wrapped up, complete, resolved. I asked a question that probes a little deeper, and it is revealed that it is all made of rosewood: Michael Palin, the crew, Sahara, the TV series, everything. I remember that rosewood is considered among the best woods, highly priced for its fragrance, figures and hardness.

Well, this is one of those dreams that feel embarrassingly literal and simplistic. Maybe it is the only way the Dream maker can get things through to me…

I read Tao Te Ching the day before, where there is a segment on how everything is cut out of one block of wood, and the wise person knows how to work with anything that is cut out (the myriad forms) but never forgets the block (Tao, Big Mind). And I also watched the last episodes of Sahara just before going to bed. I guess the dream maker (the part of me, of Existence, that produces these dreams) thought it would be neat to put the two together to drive home the point.

The interesting parts of the dream are (a) that it is all wrapped up on a conventional, everyday level, (b) yet a deeper question reveals a whole new layer, a new dimension to it. It is not entirely as it appeared. And (c) that there seemed to be someone revealing that it is all made out of rosewood, some natives, people in touch with the simpler and more profound truths of life.

tagged: currently, own dream   

Waking dream: womb of cosmos

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I am absorbed into the womb of a black woman, all of me. She is a cosmic woman, the dark ground of the universe with stars and galaxies swirling through her. She is a dark, immense, quiet, fertile ground. Then, a shift. I am again outside, every part of me cut up, over and over, and fed to her womb. I am sliced in every direction, and every piece is fed to her womb. Composting, crumbling, revealed as dark, fertile soil.

I woke up at 3am, and this dream came as I fell asleep again. I was awake, yet the dream happened on its own. A waking dream. The woman is the fertile darkness, ground of form, allowing everything in me to compost into dark, fertile soil After this dream, I stayed with it for a while allowing anything coming up to be composted in the darkness – sensations, memories.

tagged: currently, own dream   

Dream: cut down to size

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I am with Ken Wilber at his office, and he mentions that he has seen my blog and is going to write some responses to what I have written. He informs me, in a genuinely friendly way, that there is much he does not quite agree with. I can see clearly how what I have written is from confusion and lack of maturity, and how it may appear from his vantage point.

After a while, he detects some emotional patterns in me and breaks off from his writing to help me work through it. He asks me to look at things I have never looked at before, and in ways I have not even heard about, and even less considered or worked with.

He is coming from a whole other level or refinement, insight and maturity than what I am even aware of is possible.

Eventually, it is time for me to leave and he shows me out the door. It is up a steep staircase, and just an opening in the ceiling. He shows me how to get out the door, which requires much acrobatics and strengths, and has to be done in several phases. I follow after him, with much difficulty and work, but I do get out eventually.

Well, this is a wiser part of me showing that I need to deflate my inflation through seeing myself more accurately (just as what I wrote an entry about a couple of days ago.)

The whole dream was a very humbling experience, but it also felt good because I know it is true. I need to be cut down to size. I need to see myself more accurately, be more transparent with myself and others, more honest, more genuinely humble through more accurately seeing myself.

As I wrote up the dream, I also realized that my exit points to the possibility of this. The exit was at the top of a long and steep staircase, as an opening in the ceiling, and I could get through it with effort, stepwise, and guided by someone who has gone before me and intimately knows the path, having explored back and forth several times.

tagged: currently, ken wilber, own dream   

Dream: taking action to clear it up

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I am alone on the second floor of a building used for lectures, art, body oriented practices and similar. The architecture of the building, and the atmosphere and orientation, seems quite similar to anthroposophy, and the room is used for a form of body-oriented practice similar to Eurythmy, although this form is more full, inclusive and fluid.

A larger group of students (all male?) are about to enter the room, and I am there to clear something up. They have been misinformed about, or have misinterpreted, something I have done, and I am in danger if I meet them unprepared.

So when they come up the stairs to the room, I hold them at gunpoint and ask them to move over to another end of the room.

When they are all gathered there, I explain the situation to them, and they soften, change their attitude about me and what I have done, and welcome me. The situation was resolved quickly and ends in a sense of warm connections and inclusiveness.

Another shadow dream, but this one where the apparent conflict between me and the shadow is quite easily resolved, partly because I take action and make a container for it to be resolved.

This dream reminds me of my favorite shadow-work story from when I got interested in these things in my teens: An evil queen dragon has kidnapped a large number of children. These are rescued and instead of killing the dragon, she is contained and placed in a large cage. After a while of being contained, she turns into a golden dragon of wisdom. (Jim Button and Luke the Engine Driver by Michael Ende.)

By containing the shadow, as I did in the dream, it is given a chance to transform.

If we give it free reign, it can easily hurt us and others. If we combat with it, it only grows in strength and can also easily harm us and others. If we ignore it, it does potentially harmful things behind our backs. If we kill it (as it is in so many stories), it is only reborn in a different form.

The only real solution is to face it, take whatever measures necessary to contain it, and allow it to transform in its own time.

tagged: own dream, shadow   

Dream: up on a mountain, then ground of a city

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I am climbing up a large rounded mountain overlooking a bay, and is helped up the last part by someone on the top. Then, my body floats down to the bay and becomes the ground of a city, with buildings, transportation systems and people growing from and as the body.

This was a dream that happened as I was falling asleep. The mountain overlooked the Bay area, and the city was San Fransisco. This is another heaven and earth theme, yang and yin, light and dark, emptiness and fullness, weaving the two together.

Update: anthropos

The image of a man being the ground of landscapes, cities and people is anthropos, representing wholeness in gnostic and alchemical traditions.

(It is interesting, although probably not very significant, how I first sent an email off to a Process Work friend of mine asking for the name of this image, then had another dream about anthroposophy, and then received a reply back reminding me that it is called anthropos.)

tagged: own dream   

Dream: telling the truth || feeling into the truth of the shadow

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I had been the third speaker for a group of people, and noticed how people had been steadily trickling out throughout each of the three sessions. A woman behind me said “no wonder people left, you are not a very good public speaker.” I noticed a part of me wanted to protest, but also how true it felt and how good it felt to be with that truth. How it nurtures, in a deep way.

After I woke up, I allowed myself to continue to feel into this, and then to feel into anything else that I don’t want to see about myself. It all felt full and nurturing, and as a new shift into owning more parts of my shadow. I have done this before, including through The Work, but to feel into it in this way, so deeply, fully and tinged with bliss, was new.

The day before, what they call Being Participation in Breema had been especially alive for me and in the foreground. Allowing my whole being to participate in whatever I am doing (noticing that it already is), and the fullness and sense of nurturing and quiet bliss that comes with it.

And this is just one more aspect of Being Participation. Allowing my whole being to participate in feeling into the truth held by the shadow. I am a failure. I look weird. I am noisy. I am crude. I am unaware. I am inconsiderate. I am blind. I am, in a very specific way, anything I see in the world.

There is a truth in all of these statements, as there is in any statement. There is a truth in all of these statements which do not align with how I would like to see myself, or how my culture is telling me I should see myself. There is a grain of truth there, at the very least.

And to feel into it is to own it in a deepening way. To be with it, feel into it, allowing all of me to participate, allowing more of all of me to be felt as me.

tagged: endarkenment, own dream, shadow   

Dream: Informed on a central criminal, and hunted by his friends

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I informed on a central, powerful and influential man, with enough information to have him put away for life. His friends were after Jen and I, and we did our best not to be found.

We lived in a beautiful terrased apartment complex, and had moved from one top level apartment to another a few weeks before. His henchmen had broken into our old apartment around noon the same day, only hours after I had informed and the head crook put away. Unfortunately, our names and the number of our new apartment was listed at the ground level, and they had seen it and would come back.

The apartment or building (?) complex was up on a hillside, in Mediterranean style white-washed stucco, and had a beautiful and expansive view. Many interesting characters lived there, including the head teacher at the Breema Center and many artists and musicians.

A while before all this happened, we had invited friends and neighbors over to a party in our apartment that afternoon. They all arrived and enjoyed themselves, with much music, food and dancing. But Jen and I were concerned, planned what to do next, and we also informed our friends that they may be in danger just by knowing us. We knew our friends and family may be in danger, as harming them was one way the crooks could harm us.

Early in the evening, the party disbanded and Jen and I left the apartment, taking all our personal belongings with us – especially anything could give more information about us, our families or our friends.

There was a sense of nobody there who could substantially help us, not even the police. There was also a sense of foreboding, and of dread and terror. I said at one point “this is going to change our lives forever.”

There is a lot of things going on here, and I am not even sure where to start.

Some things that comes up for now:

Making beliefs into crooks

There was a clear sense of the head crook as representing beliefs, especially as I have worked on exploring beliefs so much lately through various forms of self-inquiry. The dream reminds me of something I am already aware of (although obviously not enough): I am making beliefs into criminals…! In my own mind, I make beliefs into criminals, someone to be locked away for good. And the chief criminal is of course the belief in the idea of I.

Seeking realization very easily makes anything apparently hindering realization into an Other, and even into an enemy or a crook. And this of course is just another way to create and reinforce a split, a duality, an I and Other.

The dream is reminding me of this. If I am too attached to the light, the dark will not go away, and it may even take a sinister appearance and go after me – to the point of killing me, as representing the dualistic attitude.

(Less importantly, the dream says that the head crook has been informed on and put away for good. What I have made into the chief crook here is the sense of I, the belief in the idea of I, and I have certainly spent a good deal of time informing on him, doing my best to put him away for life…!)

Embracing the light and the dark

I did a quick Process Work explorations of this, using vector work.

The two main elements in the dream is the criminals and our beautiful life in the apartment building.

The line of the criminals is dark, has a heavy and ominous feeling, and goes to the north-northwest (sunset).

The line of our life in the apartment building, with the nice expansive view and artists and the head Breema teacher, is light and luminous, and goes to the east-northeast (sunrise).

And the line that combines them both, embraces the dark and the light, the shadow and the conscious identity, heaven and earth, crooks and saints, the endarkenment and the enlightenment.

Getting the general idea is one thing, and working on the specifics of it, over and over, in always new ways as it shows up in life, is another.

Fear when shifting (or letting go of) identities

Another aspect of all of this may be the fear that comes up when we shift, or let go of, identities. Who am I if I am not … (a belief in an idea)? How will my life look without it? Will I be able to function? It is only natural that fear comes up as we reach this threshold, and that some terror may come up immediately after it has been crossed.

I let go of this identity. Won’t something terrible happen? Isn’t the sky going to fall? Am I not going to be struck by a thunderbolt?

Invitation to a deeper shift

The dynamics of this whole process, played out in the dream, is very typical. It is the experienced struggle of light and dark, and the process of integrating them both in our lives, in always deeper ways.

It is a process that leads up to realized selflessness, and one that – if we are open to it – is ongoing even after realized selflessness.

It can always deepen and be more inclusive. It can always be lived more fully. There is always more “its” in this human self that can be made into a “me” and “mine”. And there are always me and mines that can be deepened, explored in new ways, lived in more full and inclusive ways.

Before and after realized selflessness, our human self can continue to heal, mature, develop, and continue to own and embrace “its” and made them more fully and deeply into “mine”.

It is just part of the game, part of the infinite creativity of Spirit, part of the unfolding and evolution of Spirit in its form aspect.

tagged: endarkenment, enlightenment, own dream, shadow   

Dream: immensity wating to come through, and so much in this life is just pretending

moe 1 Comment

There is a sense of an immensity waiting to come through, to be lived – if even just a little bit more, in this life.

And there is a sense of so much in this life – the holding back, any lack of natural confidence, any sense of separation, any beliefs in any ideas, any identifications, as just pretending.

It is the immensity pretending to be limited, finite, separate, small, acting as if it is true, and filtering itself through this pretending. All the while knowing very well it is just pretending. That is all it is. And it is time to allow this pretending to fall away. It has served its purpose. It has lived its life. Now it is time for something else for a while, for something else coming through this life. Something that is more naturally confident, knowing it is Spirit unfolding as a human being in the world of form, with no I in this separate manifestation.

This came up very vividly in my sleep early Saturday morning. As with so much else, there is nothing new here. I saw it clearly during the initial awakening: any beliefs in a separate I is just Spirit temporarily pretending to be finite, small, limited. But this dream was very different: very vivid, alive, immediate, indisputable, and with a sense of fullness and readiness to allow this pretending to fall away. It has lived its life. Now it is time for something else. (And that too is a process. Something unfolding, deepening, maturing over time.)

tagged: own dream   

Stream of dreams

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There was a very active dream life here last night, with a stream of images and themes that seemed infinite and reflecting just about anything that has ever gone through my mind at any age.

One highlight was noticing my belly and hip area as really huge physically, and not just in my body image.

Since the phone session on Friday, I have had a sense of my belly/hip area as very large and feminine as well, fertile and dark as those prehistoric Venus statuettes. Physically, they are of course not that way, just the usual skinny male, but in the dream there were. The dream may be telling me that there is a real change there, even if it is not visible in a physical way.

Another highlight was Pee-Wee Herman persistently and for a long time going wild in his usual way. I went to our local cartoon club yesterday where they, along with the obscure and less obscure old classics, showed an episode of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse (it was my first exposure to him, and thought it was comic genius.)

I tried to work it in the usual yang way, looking at images and thoughts around it, but then saw that I was invited to go fall into the feeling of it. From here, the contrast between the active, and sometimes frenetic, yang approach, illustrated by Pee-Wee, and the dark, fertile womb like yin approach of going into the feeling, and allowing the darkness to envelop whatever comes up, was very clear.

This was a theme throughout the stream of dreams: allowing it all to fall into and be enveloped by the rich, fertile darkness – where it unfolds and unwinds as it needs to. Something comes up, and is then allowed into and enveloped by the fertile darkness, allowing it to soften, deepen, unravel.

tagged: dreams, endarkenment, own dream   

Dream: an actor getting back into the game

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An actor has been retired for a while, and is now offered to get back into the game. He tries on his old acting shirt, and it fits perfectly. His wife is there too, very happy on his behalf and for the two of them.

The actor is similar to Cary Grant or Jimmy Stewart, solid, very experienced, deeply human in many ways. This is another dream where there is no “I” anywhere, just the images arising as a movie screen arising in awareness.

It seems to fit with what is happening these days. I have been “out of the game” for a while, during the dark night phase. It is now shifting, and the old acting shirt still fits…! My anima, or soul, is enjoying it as well, fully supporting and participating.

tagged: currently, own dream   

Dream: new house and old identity

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My partner and I am moving into a new house. It is in a Frank Lloyd-Wright style, beautiful and high quality all around, and situated in a beautiful high desert in the Four Corners area (Utah or New Mexico). A company is approaching us to take care of all our needs: tickets to concerts, walking our dog, paying bills and doing the taxes, cleaning, groceries, and anything else practical. (I notice I need film for my camera, and they have the correct film right there.) The house and the service is affordable and well within our range.

There is also a slight sense of uneasiness, of shifting out of an old identity and into a new one. Now, there is a flash-back into my old life. It is a Chicago in the 1930s setting, with poverty and crime all around. We witness a crime. The gangsters and corrupt police kill any witnesses, so we flee and hide. There is a sense of the possibility of shifting back into this life, but only if we are not able to let the old identity and life go. And we are already living the new life.

Another dream where the message seems close to the surface. We are moving into a new life, a new identity, a new house, slightly beyond the horizon of our old life and identity. And there is a slight uneasiness there. Isn’t this abundance outside of what we can afford? Yet, it is really well within what is possible and affordable to us, in fact – we are already living it. There is just some time needed to get familiar and comfortable with it. And the alternative is to shrink back into the old identity and life, which does not seem all that attractive in comparison (the only thing it has going for it is familiarity).

This is of course what happens any time we shift out of our old identity: a slight uneasiness by finding ourselves outside of the bubble we had made up for ourselves, yet also an excitement of the new possibilities, and the comparison with how it used to be.

tagged: currently, own dream   

Dream: the fullness of infinite characteristics

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Someone is playing massively-multiplayer online role-playing games, having developed a large number of characters with a wide range of species, ages, genders, roles, skills, specialities and other characteristics.

I see how all of these characteristics are laid out on a very large grid, and how they can all be accessed freely according to what the situation calls for. There is a tremendous fullness, richness, adaptability, fluidity and range here. Nothing is fixed to any particular or limited identity. All is available – any species, any gender, any age, any role, any characteristic.

About the dream

The person playing these MMORP games evolved the characters over a long time, one by one. Now, there is a significant shift into having all the characteristics from all characters available at once, at the fingertips as needed. There is a tremendous sense of fullness, fluidity and richness in this. A whole new dimension has been entered, with whole new opportunities presenting themselves.

The player him/herself had no particular characteristics in the dream. It was just a generic person. The grid itself looked similar to those images made up of hundreds or thousands of other images. There were patterns at many levels, similar to a fractal image or a holarchy.

This is another dream where my human self does not appear, and where there is also no I anywhere.

Less attachment to identity, so more characteristics available

I guess it goes without saying that this dream reflects what happens as we loosen up our identity, as it becomes more porous, more transparent, falls away more. Any identity creates limitations, sets the boundaries for what is available and not available to us among everything that is already present right now. As the attachment to any particular identity loosens up, all these characteristics – already present – become more available. They can be acknowledged, seen, lived more freely.

Characteristics developed over time, in different settings

At the same time, the dream acknowledges that these characteristics are indeed developed over time. They are developed through this human self, over its lifetime. And different characteristics are developed as we play different roles, different characters, in life. Eventually, they all become available to us – if we are available to them through loosening our attachment to any particular identity.

tagged: own dream   

Dream :: a memorial where I find my own name

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Two vivid dreams on my fourth night at Breitenbush.

My mentor in a sci-fi movie

I visit TMF, my mentor from the Center for Sacred Sciences. In talking with him, I learn that he played one of the main characters in a sci-fi movie made a few years ago. It is quite well known, although I haven’t seen it yet. He gives me a DVD so I can watch it. The title was Independence Day or a similar name, and he played a librarian – possibly a university librarian, and one of a group of four or five main characters in the movie.

A memorial where I find my own name

I am in an older city (in Europe or possibly New York City) and overhear a public lecture. It is held by a woman who is an acquaintance of mine, and is on the topic of the many forms and names of love. She talks about eros, agape, fidelity and so on. It seems that the talk may be in a catholic context. There are quite a few people listening in a lecture style auditorium. It is in a public space, maybe some form of market or mall, and partially open to the outdoors.

I see a large wall next to where she is speaking where letters can be mailed. I walk down to mail something, and realize that it is all part of a memorial event for soldiers who have died in war. As I walk up to the wall, the first I see is a letter with my name on it. It gives me a shock as all of these names are of young men who has died, and my name is one-of-a-kind.

There are two letters, both with my name on it. The address is to somewhere in Norway, and they were sent by a nun in a convent in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The return address is my own home address, only a few digits off. This is even more of a shock to me, and I feel that it is all about me somehow. The soldier had died at sea in 1915.

I want to open the letters, but cannot since they are not for me. I know I will eventually receive them since the address in Norway is not likely to be current, and the return address is mine. It has a big emotional impact on me to see my own name there among the dead, and also my own home address as the return address.

About a memorial where I find my own name

This dream had a big impact on me in the dream and after I woke up. I has stayed with me the whole day, and it seems to be what Jung called a “big dream”.

There is only a handful of people with my last name, and nobody alive in 1915 had it (it is a hyphenated name). There is, and has never been, anybody else with my name.

Within the dream, I felt very strongly that it was all for me: staged by the universe specifically for me, as an amazing synchronicity. It felt hugely significant, as maybe the most important event in my life.

As I stayed with the dream after waking up, these words came out of the blue: It is actually impossible to save you. (pause) Isn’t that beautiful?

The lecture hall was in a space similar to Pike Place Market in Seattle: older, very lively and colorful, worn and utilitarian. The wall by the lecturer was a combination of a postal wall and memorial wall. The letters were all displayed in a magazine rack style, and the ones with my name on it were right in front of me as I walked up to the wall. One letter was magazine size, the other book size. Both envelopes were relatively thick, and I knew they contained a large amount of historical material about this person, with my own name, who died in 1915. He died young, and at sea.

The historical information had been gathered over a long period of time by a nun in Milwaukee. As she was a nun, she had done so with a great deal of reverence and as service. My main association with Milwaukee is Process Work, as I went there regularly for quite a while to participate in a process work practice group and in workshops. Process Work is indeed one way to collect large amounts of information about a human self.

The return address was 4025 (?) S., while in real life I live on 5060 S., so it was just a little bit off. I knew that I would receive it anyway, since my name would be on it. The “to” address may have been to some historical center in southern Norway, although I also knew that the address was not current and the letters would be returned.

What comes up for me is that this may be another (?) dream about the death of “I” as this human self. And somehow, there is a large amount of information about this human self that will be available some time in the future. The topic of the talk was the many forms of love, and these are free to play themselves out when there is the death of the ego, the identification with/as the human self. The return address, slightly off, may indicate a shift in identity or in my physical location – a shift in or reorganizing of my human self.

About my mentor in a sci-fi movie

At dinner the night before the dream, I ran into a friend who mentioned he had talked with TMF a while back. Also, TMF had mentioned to me a while back the significance of (some) dreams about our own death. Both of these seem to point to the first dream. I am not sure what the sci-fi acting part could be about, although there was definitely a sense of versatility in the dream: of him being fluid and able to play many roles in life, including acting in a movie.

tagged: own dream   

Dream :: Radical Impartiality & Milarepa

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I spent four days at a Breema intensive at Breitenbush Hotsprings. The first night, these two occurred in the middle ground between sleep and waking, closer to active imagination although with very little or no sense of directing or prompting anything.

Radical impartiality

There is a deeper taste of the radical impartiality, the radical absence of preference, of Ground (space, awareness, Big Mind, Spirit). Anything is OK: an earth worm, a stone, any human being, any personality, any body, and so on. There is no preference. Anything goes. There is also the question: where I am not willing to go? What am I not willing to allow? Where am I more partial than space? Or rather, where is there still an identification with the preferences of my human self? Where do I take them as absolute?

Milarepa’s needle

Any aspect of this human self that is sometimes, or often, taken as I is collected in the form of black pebbles and stones of various sizes. They look like river rocks. The parts of this human self that is not taken as I are seen as transparent rocks, form with no substance. Those taken as I are solid, with apparent substance. An old woman takes them and washes them. She turns into Milarepa, who takes out a needle and pierce each solid stone, one by one. They become transparent as they are pierced.

About radical impartiality

The radical impartiality of space (Ground, awareness, Spirit, Big Mind) is very real. It does allow any form, any appearance, that we know and many more. It has no preference between Jesus and Hitler, a rock or a flower, a desert planet or a living planet. Each of these and much more is all OK.

My human self naturally has preferences, and that is the beauty of this human self, and its job. And as long as there is a sense of I placed on this human self, there is also an identification with these preferences. They appear as absolute. As real. Nonnegotiable.

When center of gravity shifts into pure awareness, there is a taste of this radical impartiality. There is the seeing of awareness as naturally allowing each and all of these forms. It is all OK. It all arises. They all come and go on their own. And they leave no trace. Awareness is not harmed by any of them. It is not impacted by any of them. Space allows anything to come and go, and its nature as space is always the same. Awareness allows anything to come and go, and its nature as awareness is always the same.

When the belief in I falls away, Ground awakens to its own nature – including its radical impartiality. Anything arising within/from this human self is OK. Any or no self is OK. It is all what is happening, what is unfolding. (At the same time, our human self does reorganize and realign within this new context. It does more and more clearly and skillfully express what is seen as effortless compassion and wisdom. But that is another story.)

About Milarepa’s needle

This one is pretty literal as well. Milarepa uses his needle to pierce the rocks and reveal them as form and emptiness. They used to be taken as solid, as I, identified with. After they are pierced, through insight, they are revealed as insubstantial, as space itself, as Ground. And various forms of inquiry can function as this needle.

tagged: own dream   

Dream :: House Moved Harmlessly by Nature

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I live in a house on Nesodden in Norway, and wake up early and lie in bed for a while. Suddenly, I hear a rumble and somehow realize that a strong wind is approaching the house. It lifts the house off from the ground and drops it down at another location on Nesodden. I am unharmed, the house appears unharmed as well, and no neighboring areas at either location were harmed. It was all quite undramatic, and I have the thought that I should be more impacted by it than I am. I walk outside to familiarize myself with the new neighborhood. The neighbors don’t seem to notice anything unusual. I have some thoughts of letting family and friends know where I am, but don’t do it right away. I want the new situation to settle first.

Nesodden is a beautiful peninsula just outside of Oslo, and the area I most likely would live if I moved back there. The nature and people are both wonderful, and it is an easy commute to Oslo on the ferry.

The most striking part of the dream is how undramatic it all was. The house was lifted with surgical precision off the ground, and placed down at another location, with no apparent damage and with neighbors oblivious to it all.

Typically in dreams, a house represents the body and/or physical identity. And in the dream, there was indeed a sense of a quite dramatic shift of identity, of finding everything I use to localize myself as new and different, yet happening in an undramatic and easy way.

This happens in a smaller way whenever I do inquiry. A belief falls away, and with it that thread in my identity. Afterwards, I need some time to become familiar with the new terrain.

In a more dramatic way, I can remember several times over the last few months where identity (any sense of identity, and/or any sense of anything to place any identity on) has fallen away for a certain period of time. During diksha in July. When I had stomachache in Seattle. When I had heat exhaustion at Crater Lake. And to some extent during the time earlier in the year when everything was experienced as space.

It has all been quite comfortable, undramatic. And when a more usual (and vague) sense of identity returns, it seems shifted and less substantial – more spacious, more as clear space.

tagged: own dream