endarkenment – Mystery of Existence

Getting familiar with the lack of drama, then curious about how it plays out

Friday, 8 August, 2008Friday, 8 August, 2008 moe Leave a comment

What I find for myself is that following a shift from confusion to clarity, there is a period of getting familiar with this new clarity followed by a curiosity about how it plays itself out in the world.

I notice it sometimes in how I and others respond to question number 4 in The Work (who would I be without the belief), and also the turnarounds. If there is less familiarity with the shift from confusion to clarity, there is often first a period where the passive expression of that new clarity is emphasized. I may find peace. Clarity. Being OK with or even appreciate the situation. Grateful for it pointing me to the belief and having the opportunity to inquire into it. A release from drama.

Then, as I get more familiar with that clarity, there is often an emphasis on its active expression. I find that I am free to engage from it in daily life, or not, and am curious about how it is to live from it. What is it like to engage without the old drama?How is it to become familiar with engaging from this new place?

So say I have the belief my neighbor shouldn’t play his radio so loudly.

If I am new to the work, or am new to working with this type of belief, I may stay with the passive expression of clarity. I find peace with it. A release from the drama. Appreciate how this situation helped me notice and examine this belief.

Then, as I become more familiar with The Work, or this particular type of belief, I may also include – or emphasize – the active expression of this new clarity. I see that I am free to talk to this neighbor or not, and may be curious about how it is to talk with this neighbor without the drama created by the initial belief. How would it feel, look, unfold? Would the sense of drama come up again, giving me an opportunity to examine it again – or notice other aspects of the initial belief? How would it be to engage in the world without this drama?

It is of course not always like this. If a situation requires our engagement, our attention will be drawn to that aspect of it right away. And sometimes, it can be good to just rest in the passive aspect of the absence of drama, to deeply feel it.

But in general, it makes perfect sense whenever there is a progression from the passive expression of clarity/lack of drama being in the foreground, to being curious about its active and engaged expression. First, we take time to get familiar with this new lack of drama around a specific situation. Then, we are naturally curious about how it looks when we live from this lack of drama.

Trigger: Watching people new to The Work stay with the passive expressions (which is very understandable) and also notiching the shift for myself from the passive to include the active. Btw: This post is an example of an insight that does not have much practical value, apart from as an anti-dote to the story that people should include both passive/active aspects when they do inquiry.

tagged: clarity, familiarity with the terrain, the work of byron katie

No closer to really understanding

Friday, 23 May, 2008Saturday, 24 May, 2008 moe Leave a comment

During a recent Breema workshop, one of the students asked about the hara (belly). What is it? What happens with the hara during a session? Is it connected to the chakras? The meridians?

For me, it was one of those moments that shows very clearly that no matter how many models and theories we are familiar with, and no matter how well these seem to explain what is going on, we are no closer to really understanding it.

Of course, these theories and models and maps can be very useful. They have a practical value, and we can certainly understand something more or less well in this conventional and practical sense. In a conventional sense, a map is “true” or “valid” if it works well enough, and false if not.

But even if they work, we are no closer to really understanding.

In a conventional way, we know that a map is different from the terrain. Any map highlights some features, ignore other, and may be inaccurate in what it highlights and leave out something important. Chances are, it does leave something important out, we just don’t know it yet.

Also, a map is made of thought, while the terrain is something else. They are different in kind, often dramatically different.

Thoughts are always about the past. Even if they are about the present, they lag behind. And if they do say something about the future or present, it is always drawn from memories of the past.

Models always have a shadow, a reversal that is not included. They are inevitably partial. They leave out views and perspectives that also have validity. And life, as it goes about its business, has a tendency to bring up just those things that can only be understood through those reversals views.

So in all of these ways, we see that a map is not the terrain. It can be quite useful – and “true” – in a practical way. But that is how far they go in terms of their relationship to what they supposedly are about. They work (or not) in a practical sense, and that’s it.

There is also a more immediate way to see that the map and terrain are quite different, not only in degree but in kind. Where we see that the terrain is awareness itself, taking different appearances, and the map is just an overlay.

If we explore it through the sense fields, we see that thought is an overlay on each of the sense fields. It is an interpretation, a question, about what happens in the sense fields. It has immense practical value for our human self in the world, and no value – or truth – beyond that. It is just a thought. An activity of the mental field.

Any statement, theory, model, map, is a question only. Sometimes it helps our human self to function in the world. Sometimes it is less helpful. Sometimes it can even be a pointer for us to explore what we really are, and also here be more or less effective in a practical sense.

tagged: map and terrain, maps, model, stories

Another flavor of luminous blackness

Thursday, 15 March, 2007Thursday, 15 March, 2007 moe Leave a comment

Three of us from our local diksha group (not quite sure what to call it as it moved beyond that a while ago) got together last night to receive another transmission. This one called Ilahinoor, or divine light in Turkish. It is another of the many, probably innumerable, ways the soul level can be filtered, like a light through a prism. Here is my report from the evening:

Hi B & K, and thanks for the ilahinoor transmission tonight!
I think all three of us were somewhat lost for words in terms of describing it, but I’ll give it a try. It definitely seems to be in the same general family of the dark feminine, although I experience it as gentler… a whisper, blackness, soft, velvety, clear as water.
It started at the crown, then moving down to the belly area and arms.
Both R and I experienced this velvety whispery blackness as a soft hand holding on the left side of our face for a while.
As A got ready to give to me, I experienced a deep feminine black fullness descending on me from above. It was very tangible, and quite similar to what I experienced when I received transmission from K on Saturday night.
At one point, while receiving it from A, I experienced it, and then myself, as this clear velvety black void/space with no boundaries anywhere.
While receiving from A, I also experienced it at one point as very gentle descending swirls in my upper body.
When I gave, it came to me to use some simple Breema holds, first both hands on top of the belly, then one on top and one under the back, then one on top and one at the heart, and finally belly and forehead.
The ilahinoor soul quality is quite similar to other velvety blackness qualities I am familiar with, but also different, so even if it was clearly present, I found myself scanning around a little before falling into it when giving. As you said, all that was needed was to trust it.
While giving, it started out with me as a channel, then it all happening over where my recipient was, and then all here with me – knowing that this would invite the recipient into the same space. The last one was by far most comfortable and easy for me, partly because it is what I am familiar with from Breema (finding it in myself, which allows the recipient to fall into it.)
Breema has Sufi connections, and the ilahinoor soul quality seemed very compatible with it… Breema also invites in a sense of alive presence, fullness, deeply nurturing and comforting, a deep quiet peace, very much hara/belly centered.
That’s all that comes up for now. I am sure it will shift and change with time!

tagged: alive lumonosity, belly center, endarkenment, ilahinoor

How to see all posts on endarkenment and related topics

Wednesday, 14 March, 2007Saturday, 24 March, 2007 moe Leave a comment

Note: This relates to Blogger, before the move to WordPress, but you can still check out the links.

As mentioned in the previous post, when you display posts with a certain label, only the most recent 20 are shown.
To get around this and see all posts on endarkenment and related topics, go here:

The older posts are at the bottom of the page. Also note that many of these posts will show up under more than one label.

tagged: alive lumonosity, diksha, endarkenment, enlightenment, enlovenment, fertile darkness, indwelling god, luminous blackness, three centers

Dream: snow on fire

Friday, 16 February, 2007Friday, 16 February, 2007 moe Leave a comment

I see a snow covered mountain landscape with the snow on fire. A voice also says “snow on fire.”

I woke up from this dream image, and when I fell asleep again, it came up again, with the same voice saying “snow on fire.”

The snow covers the whole landscape, apart from some peaks, and is fresh and white. The flames are clear, calm, tall and stable.

This reflects what comes up in daily life these days: passion with a depth of clear calm peace.

This depth of peace is partly the void, ground, emptiness, which is the depth of anything arising, and it is partly the luminous blackness (two aspects of the same.) It is the nurturing peace of Spirit filtered through the belly center, balancing out the fire of the head center.

More about this:

After a long period of dryness and lack of passion during the dark night, there are now more moments of passion surfacing, a passion with a deep calm depth, beautifully reflected in the dream image of snow on fire. The passion is the fire, rising out of the depth of peace, void and stillness. (I am amazed of the creativity of what they in Process Work call the “dream maker”, the source of the dreams. This is an image I would not have come up with consciously.)

Exploring it more consciously, I see that the peace has two distinct (although closely related) aspects. One is the void, ground, emptiness, which is the depth of anything arising. The other is the fertile darkness (composting) and the luminous blackness, with the same void, ground and stillness, but also nurturing. Both allows passion to arise, with a depth of peace.

tagged: endarkenment, fertile darkness, luminous blackness, own dream, passion, three centers

Dream: Gathering of yogis

Sunday, 11 February, 2007Wednesday, 2 March, 2011 moe Leave a comment

I am in a gathering of yogis, and a voice introduces a couple of people to the group, and then me as yogi rajma. The yogis are all mature and seasoned, and very familiar with the vast terrain of the divine human.

As I woke up from this dream, the name was opaque to me and didn’t ring any bells. I only thought it sounded vaguely like a (Sanskrit) yogi name.

What struck me the most from the dream was the depth of maturity of everyone there, and also that I – somehow – was not out of place at all. Nobody questioned by presence there, including myself, as it was obvious to all that we were all intimate and familiar with the same terrain. This is quite a contrast to my conscious view of myself which is (a) not at all a yogi (don’t practice any conventional forms of yoga), and (b) as not very seasoned or mature in it either. The dream may be telling me that this is yet another identity I use to box myself in with, and it is time to allow it to soften, to open for some other possibilities – at least in the future.

Although all of the yogis are deeply familiar with the same terrain, and are deeply intimate in that way, there is also a wide diversity in appearances, flavors and approaches. I am a wild Milarepa type yogi, or that was at least my background. I didn’t know what my flavor would be now or in the future.

I went to our monthly diksha group meeting (we are doing other things right now) and asked a Kundalini Yoga instructor there for help with the name, Rajma. She didn’t know either at first. I mentioned that I thought it may be a composite, Raj-ma. She then noted that raj means royal. And ma of course means mother. The Royal Mother. Or the divine feminine.

And this, of course, makes perfect sense. The divine feminine. The fertile darkness. The luminous blackness. Spirit filtered through the belly center. Yin. Feminine. Nurturing. Deep silence. The coolness to balance out the fire of the yang awakening, Spirit filtered through the head center. The nurturing and immanence to balance out the impersonal and transcendent.

Since this shift, there has been a sense of deepening or maturing in a different way – a beginning, with some glimpses of the depth it may lead to.

Right now – I am one led and guided by the divine feminine, the fertile darkness – allowing hangups and knots of this human self to be composted, and the luminous blackness shining from within everything.

Dreams often correct, balance out, or expand the embrace of our conscious view. And this dream certainly does so. It is very difficult to think of myself as a yogi, and even thinking of myself as one guided by the divine feminine is quite a stretch. (In spite of the ways I have explored it on this blog.) So the dream invites me to soften those old identities, and make my conscious embrace a little wider.

It is funny that I was a wild Milarepa type yogi in the dream. That part at least fits how I see it, as an unintentionally slightly wild guy not following any particular traditional path strictly. Again, that is not what I consciously would have chosen for myself. I would be very happy and comfortable with a more traditional path, if I only had found one inclusive enough, where I am located, and where the cultural gulf was not too wide… (I was happy at the Zen center until a sequence of events was set in motion so I ended up – against my deeper wish – moving to another state.) It is at least open for something else now, and in the future.

tagged: endarkenment, fertile darkness, immanence, luminous blackness, own dream, yogi

The field filtered through the head and belly centers

Friday, 9 February, 2007Friday, 9 February, 2007 moe Leave a comment

I have written about this before, but it is still alive in my immediate awareness, and wants to be explored further…

There is a perfect (slightly asymmetrical) symmetry in how Existence is filtered through the head and belly centers.

Head center

Through the head center, it is awake emptiness and form. Crystal clear. Empty luminosity. Awake emptiness in the foreground, and form as nothing other than awake emptiness. It is transcendent. Detached. Free. Absent of any separate self. Full of the whole world. Masculine. Yang. Solar. The Ground of all form, and all form as no other than this Ground. Impersonal. It is the traditional enlightenment.

Belly center

Through the belly center, it is luminous blackness. Velvety. Smooth. Fullness. A full void. Nurturing. Giving birth to and holding all form. That which all form arises within, as, and that which is in all form. Immanent. Absent of any separate self. Nurturing this individual, allowing it to deeply heal, mature, soften, be more rounded, become more deeply human. It is feminine. Yin. Lunar. The ground of all form and that which is the context for, is, and is within all form. Deeply personal. It is the endarkenment.

Difference in emphasis

The head center gives an emphasis on awakening as awake emptiness, and as form which is no other than this awake emptiness. It gives freedom. Transcendence from identification with any segment of Big Mind, including this human self. But alone, it is detached, aloof, impersonal.

The belly center gives an emphasis on the deep transformation of this individual. A deep healing, untying of knots, maturing, softening and rounding of the personality, deepening into the human.

The coolness and nurturing of the belly center balancing out the fire and the impersonal of the head center

Having been familiar with the head center awakening (spontaneously in my teens, and deepening over several years), I now deeply appreciate the belly awakening as well. It gives a new depth, richness, sense of peace, of being deeply nurtured, of a coolness to balance the heat of the head center awakening. In addition to what I have described in other posts on this topics, I have, over the last few weeks, also had glimpses of an amazing (to me) new depth and richness of being, far beyond anything I have experienced before.

New realms of being opening up through the belly center awakening

Through the head center, this whole universe is nothing other than God, an alive presence behind and as everything, and without any separate self anywhere. And through the belly center, there another facet of the void and selflessness, but also new realms of being – of this individual – revealing themselves and deepening. Even the few glimpses I have had so far, over maybe just minutes or hours, are far beyond anything I had ever imagined.

Heart center

I should also mention a few words about the heart center. Existence filtered through the heart center seems to have two aspects: Big Heart and the indwelling God.

Big Heart is a love and compassion that is independent of any particulars of form. As Big Mind, it has no beginning, no end, no form, yet can take any form. It is both impersonal and personal, when expressed thorough an individual, but the impersonal tends to be in the foreground. It is the love and compassion that comes up spontaneously and naturally when Big Mind awakens to itself while still connected, and functioning through, a human being.

The indwelling God is an alive presence, located in the physical heart area. Infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive, and responsive. A most intimate guide. It is an aspect of God, placed in and for this particular individual.

While Big Heart is connected with Big Mind, universal and slightly impersonal (although can be made personal when expressed), the indwelling God is experienced as intimately personal, an alive presence in the heart area of this individual.

In both cases, it is universal, and this is in the foreground with Big Heart, and in the background – or as a context – for the indwelling God. And in both cases, it is personal, and this is in the foreground for the indwelling God, and a possibility – when made personal through a human self – for Big Heart.

Again, when the indwelling God became more alive in awareness around Christmas, it was something new opening up (yet also very familiar somehow.) An infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive and responsive alive presence, in the heart area. An aspect of God, for this individual. A most intimate guide.

tagged: big heart, big mind, endarkenment, enlightenment, enlovenment, indwelling god, three centers

Fertile darkness and luminous blackness

Friday, 2 February, 2007Friday, 2 February, 2007 moe Leave a comment

There is a clear sense that the fertile darkness and the luminous blackness are distinct, although I cannot quite put my finger on how…

The fertile darkness is like rich crumbly soil, allowing for a composting of anything from this personality… any contractions, any fears, any patterns of reactivity, anything formed within a context of a separate self. In the physical body, the awakening to it seems centered in the belly or low pelvis area. It seems specifically to help reorganize the body and the personality at a very deep level, reaching to its most basic fears.

The luminous blackness is different, and seem centered a little higher, maybe even in the heart area. This is the luminous blackness that is a vast void, transparent, empty, a deep peace, arising within and as all form.

tagged: endarkenment, fertile darkness, luminous blackness

Fearlessness

Friday, 2 February, 2007Friday, 2 February, 2007 moe Leave a comment

Since the endarkenment shift some weeks ago, there is a new sense of fearlessness…

Not courage, which is doing something in spite of fear, but a deep absence of fear.

A fearlessness coming from a sense that there is nothing to lose (a fruit of the dark night where everything was lost, and I had to embrace that), and also from the deep sense of nurturing and being held within (and as) the fertile darkness and the luminous blackness (which are similar but distinct.)

The fertile darkness and luminous blackness is a vast void, a Ground of all Existence, infinite potential, appearing as all form. And this Ground of existence is an infinite vast peace, giving a sense of infinite vast safety and trust. It is there independent of how this human self and the rest of the physical world shows up.

It is Ground, with nothing behind or beyond it, inherently absent of fear, and also showing up as vast infinite fertile darkness and luminous blackness, vast nourishment, allowing for a deep healing and reorganizing of this human self and the personality.

There is a vast Ground of fertile darkness and infinite blackness, with this human self and its personality as a thin layer on the surface.

Surface fears still come up, the ordinary human ones, but they are just dancing on top of this vast peace and absence of fear. And they vanish as soon as they appear. (Specifically, I notice some fear come up from the personality in certain social situations, and they may remain as long as the situation remains, but as soon as the situation changes, they go poof – just revealing the vast peace that was always there inside of and beneath it.)

tagged: endarkenment, fear, personality, surface

Journeying: hardness and energetic hole

Sunday, 21 January, 2007Sunday, 21 January, 2007 moe Leave a comment

I did a journeying (for lack of a better term) this morning, after waking up. I noticed a sense of hardness in me, and stayed with it to see what (if anything) would happen…

Hard shining black pearls

There is a small black pearl in my heart area, although a little behind my back. Now, many small black pearls throughout the heart area, of slightly different sizes and forms, all hard and shining. Then a very large one, with a center in the heart area but going far beyond this physical body.

All of the pearls are hard and shiny. They seem far too hard. They are inert, with no interaction with the human self or anything else. I am staying with this hardness.

Sinking into dark crumbly soil

The large pearl sinks into a dark crumbly soil, which is from the belly down. It is slowly softening.

Luminous black infinity

Then there is a sense of unbelievable vastness everywhere, as a luminous blackness, somehow centered in the heart region. It is black, shining, everywhere, infinite, in all directions. It has the shiny black quality of the initial pearls, but is also a void, empty, allowing anything within it.

Fear of nothing to hold onto

Fear and disorientation comes up. There is nothing to hold onto in this infinity, no ground, nothing fixed.

Attention stays with the fear, and it shows up as a knot (or a fist) in the belly. I stay with the knot.

Space below, and dark crumbly soil

After a while, it softens and expands. There is a sense of space in the belly area, the whole lower area of the torso. A soft expansive space.

The space opens up below, allowing the whole of earth… Soft, crumbly soil. Dark, quiet, nourishing, earthy. It is like a womb, nurturing everywhere.

There is an incredible sense of spaciousness and fullness below. Dark, nourishing, spacious and full.

Infinite luminous blackness, and my human self torn into pieces by the infinity

Attention goes back to the infinite luminous blackness, everywhere yet also centered in the heart area.

There is an image of my human self floating in this infinity, and being torn in all directions by the infinite. Fear comes up again. (I see how my identification with this human self, with something decidedly finite, prevents me from going into the infinite luminous blackness, finding myself as it. Being identified with my human self, there is a sense of it being torn into pieces when I go into the infinite.)

The fear is a form of resistance to this infinity, to finding myself as this infinity.

An image of armor comes up, as an armadillo, a Japanese warrior, a tank. (This is the resistance.)

Lower spine

Attention goes to the spine in the lower back, from the tailbone to the end of the ribcage. There is a sense of an energetic hole there, a weakness, impoverished, depleted of energy. The center of the hole seems to be just below the navel (tan tien area.)

I stay with this weakened spine area. (I am also aware of the vast, spacious crumbly soil below, and of the infinite luminous blackness everywhere.)

[I get up an shower, then take a few minutes to go into this again.]

Specks of golden light, and nurturing full blackness

I continue staying with the energetic hole in the spine. After a while, numerous small specks of golden light start working in the spine area, reorganizing and healing. Then, the soft nourishing blackness fills the same area, nurturing the spine and everything else there.

I am with the golden specks and the nurturing full blackness, and sense the fullness and healing in a very tangible way.

After a while, a light gray inner lining of the spine is pulled out through the bottom of the spine. Where the lining used to be, a luminous golden blackness comes up. Healing, working.

[to be continued]

Themes

The dark crumbly vast soil below, from belly down, and somehow centered in the belly.

The luminous blackness everywhere, infinite, and centered in the heart. (The black pearls with the same quality as this luminous blackness, and revealing themselves as this infinite luminous blackness.)

The energetic hole in the lower spine, centered in tan tien.

The working on this energetic deficiency by innumerable specks of golden light (active, moving around) and the nurturing full blackness (nurturing.)

Noticing

I notice how the belly center darkness is vast, dark and nurturing, as crumbly soil. The heart center darkness is a luminous blackness, a void, infinite, combining the alive luminosity and the empty blackness. And what works on the spine is active golden specks of light (yang), along with a nurturing full blackness (yin).

The initial too hard quality of the pearls seems to be connected with a resistance to finding myself as the (luminous black) infinity. And this fear and resistance, taking the form of a hard armor, comes from being identified with this human form.

tagged: endarkenment, journey, three centers

The transcendent qualities of endarkenment

Thursday, 18 January, 2007Thursday, 18 January, 2007 moe Leave a comment

When I describe some of the qualities of endarkenment, it is often with a sense of unease knowing that they can be interpreted as conventional qualities within form and dependent on something particular in form, while they really are transcendent qualities, independent of yet also arising as any form.

There is a sense of holding, but it is a holding that goes beyond and embraces conventional holding and not holding. There is a sense of luminous blackness, but it is a luminous blackness that goes beyond and embraces (can be found within and as, but is not limited to) physical light and darkness. There is a sense of deep nurturing and fullness, but it is a nurturing and fullness that is independent of – yet in and as – anything happening in form. It is a womb, but a womb that allows everything its freedom to be as it is. It is selfless, yet a selflessness that arises within, as, and allows individuals and even a sense of a separate I. It heals the emotional level, yet allows emotions to be exactly as they are, only inviting them to reorganize within this new context.

It is all of these and other qualities, free from any particulars of form, and yet arising within and as all form, as they already are.

tagged: endarkenment, qualities, talking about

Dazzling dark

Thursday, 18 January, 2007Thursday, 18 January, 2007 moe Leave a comment

When I shifted into (very early) endarkenment some weeks ago, there was first a sense of fertile darkness… Smooth, full, a ground of all form. Somehow connected with the belly center. A dark fertile womb. Healing and reorganizing at an emotional level. Formless and a void, yet also the source of all form and all form itself. Selfless.

Then, some days later, an alive luminosity came up, infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive, and – when invited – active, and connected with the heart center.

And then, a combination of the two, of a luminous darkness, smooth, fertile, alive, infinitely loving, intelligent and receptive.

Dazzling Darkness

Some days ago, I found an anthology of writings from Christian mystics called A Dazzling Darkness, which is a term that seems to describe what I have called luminous blackness.

Searching on “dazzling darkness” I found this…

. . . it is all still here, both the shining dark void and the experience of myself coming into being out of, yet somehow in response to, that radiant darkness. My whole consciousness of myself and everything else has changed.

When I read it, I initially thought I was reading something I had written…! It is a close description of the shift that happened for me some weeks back, and written by an Australian by the name of John Wren-Lewis.

Then he goes on…

I feel as if the back of my head has been sawn off so that it is no longer the 60-year-old John who looks out at the world, but the shining dark infinite void that in some extraordinary way is also “I.”

My sense is of a shift among 2nd, 1st and 3rd person relationship with the luminous darkness, and they are often there simultaneously. The darkness is You, then I, then both, then an it when I write about it. (The sawed off head is not my experience, but that may be because I am already familiar with this shift of 2nd, 1st and 3rd person perspective.)

And what I perceive with my eyes and other senses is a whole world that seems to be coming fresh-minted into existence moment by moment, each instant evoking the utter delight of “Behold, it is very good.” Here yet again I am constantly up against paradox when I try to describe the experience.

Yes, it is all always fresh, new, different. For me, that came up during the initial (head/heart centered) awakening some years ago, and is still with me, so I don’t experience it as especially connected with the endarkenment/belly awakening, but I can see how it is if that is the first form of awakening, if that is the initial gateway for someone (as it apparently was for JWL.)

For me, the endarkenment shift included a felt-sense, with body and emotions, how it is all very good. It is as if this this luminous dark void as source of all form, holds it all, embraces it, as a womb, with a deep full nurturing felt-sense of all as infinitely OK and good, independent of the particulars of form.

These things only appear as a paradox if our view is mostly dualistic. After a while, it becomes more familiar with functioning within a more nondual context, and it is not experienced as a paradox anymore. Both poles of all polarities are more naturally included.

Thus, in one sense, I feel as if I am infinitely far back in sensing the world, yet at the same time I feel the very opposite, as if my consciousness is no longer inside my head at all, but out there in the things I am experiencing . . .

Hm… Not the way it is for me now, but again, I can see how it can appear that way immediately following an initial awakening. For me, the empty awakeness is evenly spread out, as a field leaving nothing out, embracing anything arising outside and inside of this individual, which is just a small thread in the overall tapestry.

tagged: belly center, endarkenment, talking about

Three realms of being

Sunday, 14 January, 2007Sunday, 14 January, 2007 moe Leave a comment

Here is one way of slicing the cake of our being, into three realms…

First, the formless… Awake emptiness, capacity for the world. Selfless, timeless, spaceless.

Then, this awake emptiness as form, including innumerable individuals (selfless), unfolding in space and time.

And finally, not less important than the two other, me as this particular individual self, as an individual soul and human self alive here and now, in this little spot of the whole wide world of form. And this is where shadow work, healing, development, maturing, and unfolding as an individual takes place, deepening over time, endlessly (at least as long as this individual is around.)

This corresponds roughly to the three centers…

Spirit filtered through the head center reveals itself as the formless, as awake emptiness, as form as awake emptiness, as individuals inherently selfless.

Spirit filtered through the heart center reveals itself as formless love, and all forms as no other than formless love. It also reveals itself as love for all form, including all individuals, no matter their particulars, as Spirit.

Spirit filtered through the belly center reveals itself as a felt sense of all as Spirit, and as the luminous blackness which, among other things, gives a deep sense of nurturing, fullness and healing for this particular human self.

Each of the three centers include the formless, form and selflessness, although the head center reveals the formless in the foreground, the heart center form – including individuals – in the foreground, and the belly center this particular individual in the foreground.

tagged: endarkenment, enlightenment, enlovenment, talking about, three centers

Forms of darkness

Saturday, 13 January, 2007Saturday, 13 January, 2007 moe Leave a comment

I read parts of A Dazzling Darkness earlier today, an anthology of writings from Christian mystics. My attention was first drawn to the title, and then on of its chapters on darkness.

Reading the selection under that chapter, I was reminded of the many forms of darkness…

There is the darkness of evil, of what appears as Other and not desirable. (Not used my mystics much, thankfully, since mystical awakenings does away with the sense of I and Other and reveals all as Spirit.)

There is the darkness of the dark night, of loss, of failed expectations, of a profound sense of hopelessness.

There is the darkness of not knowing, of finding ourselves as that beyond discursive thought. This is the darkness from an absence of the “light of mind”, of conventional thinking and abstractions.

And then there is the darkness of the luminous blackness, the fertile darkness, formless and arising as and allowing all form.

The three first ones are metaphors, poetic expressions, analogies, and produced by the thinking mind. And the fourth one seems to be a direct experience of fertile darkness, of luminous blackness (from my own experience, others I have talked with, and also as described by Almaas. Even right now, there is a sense of this luminous blackness as formless, yet in and as all form.)

tagged: dark night, endarkenment, talking about

Dreams, and thought as servant

Wednesday, 10 January, 2007Wednesday, 10 January, 2007 moe Leave a comment

A dream from a couple of weeks ago:

I am in a car with the actor who plays Monk, a brilliant detective, on TV. He needs some extra money, decides he wants to help me find answers to some existential questions I have, and makes some of the movements Monk makes when searching for clues at a crime scene. It is painfully obvious that he only plays a detective on TV and has no idea how to go about finding the answers. He makes the movements Monk makes, but will not find any answers that way. We are both dismayed.

And one from last week:

I work for a pale, fat, sleazy corrupt man, writing articles for magazines and newspapers. There is some freedom in it, in terms of deciding on the topics of the stories and even the deadlines, but I only get 16% of the profits. I am only doing it because I am not sure if I can make it on my own, in spite of the whole situation feeling unpleasant and corrupt.

Alive presence guiding its own unfolding

Since the endarkenment shift some weeks ago, it has been very clear that the alive presence itself guides its unfolding. My mind, in the sense of conscious thought, can only be a servant in this process.

It does not – and cannot – know where it goes, what comes next, which realms will open up. Any expectations are far too narrow, limited only to what has happened in the past, and these are whole new realms unfolding. It is only a servant, it can help explore, describe, record what is happening, and that is about it. At most, it can find patterns after they unfold.

Habits of the conscious mind guiding the process

At the same time, I have done a lot of inquiry work over the last year or so, where the conscious mind definitely is in charge and guides the process. Also, in our culture, and even in most spiritual traditions, we are used to conscious thought being in charge and guiding the process. We plan something out, or are told to do something, and do it (or not).

It is my habitual pattern, especially over the last few years, so even if it is abundantly clear that the alive presence itself guides its unfolding, and it is taking me into whole new realms where everything is different, there is still the temptation to use conscious thought for guiding the process. It is only that it does not work. The one time since the endarkenment shift where I got into trying to figure it out and guide the process through conscious thought, I got thoroughly stuck (about two weeks ago). And I notice the same in smaller ways daily.

Conscious mind boxes the process in, even with the best of intentions, and this process cannot be boxed in.

Dreams as reminder

And these dreams, of the actor who plays a detective on TV and is unable to be of real help with my existential questions, and the boss who is a sleazeball, is a reminder of this.

Conscious mind is an actor playing someone who knows how to do it. And placing conscious mind as a boss gives a sense of corruption.

Head and belly centers

The three centers seem to filter Spirit in different way. Through the head center, as awake emptiness and form, with no I anywhere. Through the belly center, as fertile darkness, an alive luminous blackness. And through the heart center, as an infinitely loving and intelligent presence, universal and personal at the same time.

So to be fair, I see that the conscious mind can do a very good job in exploring and guiding the process of Spirit filtered through the head center. Through various forms of self-inquiry, we can find ourselves Big Mind, as awake emptiness and form, we can allow beliefs to unravel, and so on. It does a fine job here.

But for the exploration of Spirit filtered through the belly center, it can only be a servant at most. Here, the alive presence definitely guides the process. And this is what is happening for me right now, so one of my tasks is to allow conscious thought to be a servant in this process. Curious, interested, receptive, describing it after it happens.

As there is a deepening into seeing, feeling and loving all as Spirit, there is also an increased differentiation – including in the roles of conscious thought.

tagged: alive lumonosity, endarkenment, three centers

Head and belly, and heart follows

Wednesday, 10 January, 2007Wednesday, 10 January, 2007 moe Leave a comment

When I see and feel into whatever arises, the heart seems to follow.

Seeing, feeling and loving

The seeing is the witnessing of whatever is, it is free from what is seen, and can even be a recognition of what is seen as no other than awake emptiness itself. The feeling into it is a felt sense of what arises, it is the body joining in feeling what arises. And the heart is a receptivity and love for what arises.

The head and the belly sees and feels what arises. There is a being with what arises as seeing and feeling, and really as seeing-feeling since when both are there, they are just two aspects of being with whatever is, with the experiences as they are here now, with the content as it unfolds. And this seems to invite and allow the heart to join, to soften, open up for whatever is, here now (with the sweetness and pain, rawness and tenderness, a sense of the universal and personal, that often seems to come with that for me, at least right now.)

The process reflected in stories

Last night, after having seeing these dynamics throughout the day, I wondered how this would be represented in stories and mythology, and if I could find any stories that reflects this process?

The view, seeing, witnessing, is from the head center, and is yang, masculine, transcendent, free from what is seen. The feeling into, the felt sense, is from the belly center and is yin, feminine, embodied, engaged with what is felt. And the heart is the receptivity, openness, love, with equal amounts of yin and yang aspects (which is probably why the Bodhisattva of compassion – Avalokitesvara, Kwan Yin, Kanzenon, Chenrezig – is depicted as sometimes male and sometimes female, and always quite androgynous).

Our lives mirroring the dynamics of head and belly coming together, awakening the heart

So of course, the natural way to depict this process of the head and belly coming together, inviting the heart to follow, is of a man and woman coming together, awakening love. And not only is there no lack of those stories, it is at the core of our existence as humans. Our very lives are metaphors, or mirror, this process.

Also mirrored as Spirit, human and soul

At another level, the seeing is Spirit, the felt sense is the human self, and the love is the soul. So here, we can say that when Spirit and human comes together, love awakens. And this is the typical process of a Buddhist practice where there is an emphasis on Big Mind and the human self, which allows the love (and the soul) to unfold.

Parallels with Breema and Gurdjieff

In Breema, they say that when mind and body comes together, the feelings join. When attention is brought to the body (the movements of the body, posture, tone of voice, weight), the feelings join – as a sense of nurturing fullness. From the little I know of Gurdjieff, it seems that these are the three centers as he described them: head is in this case attention, belly is body, and feelings are heart.

(This is quite different from how I experience the three centers: The head center filters Spirit in its aspect of pure seeing, awake emptiness, seeing all as Spirit. The belly center as feeling, form, feeling all as Spirit. And the heart center as love, loving it all as Spirit. The centers and the dynamics between the centers as described here seems to be similar, but the descriptions – and experience – of them, apparently quite different.)

tagged: endarkenment, enlightenment, enlovenment, three centers

Personality contrasted

Thursday, 4 January, 2007Thursday, 4 January, 2007 moe Leave a comment

Within this context of (early) belly awakening, the contrast between this endarkenment and my personality is very vivid.

Throughout the day, I notice all the hardness of this personality, a hardness, rigidity and narrowness that comes from not being aligned with the endarkenment. And my task is simply to notice, and surrender whatever comes up to the endarkenment.

I see how the endarkenment invites (and it is an offer I can’t afford to refuse) this personality to allow any hard edges, anything coming from fear and resistance, so soften, to become more rounded, whole, mature, more deeply and thoroughly human.

It is a reorganization of the whole individual self. A transformation from what was created from a sense of separation, and the subsequent fear, resistance, clinging to exclusive identities, hard edges, and a sense of something to defend, to being aligned with all as Spirit, also in a deeply felt sense, allowing the personality to be more rich, full, whole, rounded and mature.

tagged: currently, endarkenment, maturity, process

Belly center and feeling into

Wednesday, 3 January, 2007Wednesday, 3 January, 2007 moe Leave a comment

I have started listening to Adyashanti’s Five Truths About Truth, and find his way of talking to be as refreshing, simple and clear as always.

He is one of the few I know who talks about the awakening of the belly center. He mentioned it in passing at his satsang in Ashland, and has probably talked about it in more detail other times (still looking for it).

Feeling into being emptiness

In Five Truths About Truth, I notice that he emphasizes feeling into the experience of being awake emptiness.

In my experience, that is one of the aspects of the awakening of the belly center. It allows for and invites to a deepening feeling, with the whole body and every cell of the body, that all is Spirit, all is awake emptiness and form, and it allows for a deepening reorganization of the body and the emotions within this new context.

Practice, and dropping into it

The difference is that before an awakening (even a very early awakening, as in my case) it remains a practice, something we have to intentionally do. After, it happens on its own, and the only intention is to surrender anything coming up, any beliefs, identities, any aspect of the personality, to it.

Alive luminous blackness

Also, before the belly center awakening the term fertile darkness does not make so much sense (at least it didn’t for me). After, it becomes a living presence, an immediate experience.

It is a fertile darkness, an alive luminous blackness which is the ground of all forms, gives a deep sense of fullness and nurturing, and allows for a deep reorganization and healing of the emotional level. And as Almaas writes, and I have experienced since the (early) belly awakening some weeks ago, this luminous blackness is experienced everywhere, as if “peering out through all forms” as he puts it.

Almaas, and Barry and Karen the diksha givers, are the only ones I have found so far whose experiences with this reflects my own, down into the details, although it must be a relatively common occurrence, it is just that I haven’t explored it before in this way, and not looked for descriptions of it.

tagged: adyashanti, almaas, belly center, endarkenment, three centers

The three centers and the chakras

Saturday, 30 December, 2006Saturday, 30 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

A question about the relationship between the three centers and the chakras came up for me after the phone session. I don’t know much about it yet, so all of this is from a very limited experience, and not aligned with anything I have heard or read so far.

The three centers and the chakras do not at all seem the same, but they are also obviously connected.

Three centers allowing the chakras to reorganize

It seems that the three centers allows the chakras to transform and reorganize, along with the human self in general. The belly center allows the three first chakras to reorganize within all as Spirit, within and allowing a deepening of a felt sense of all as Spirit. The heart center allows the heart chakra to reorganize to loving all as Spirit. The head center allows the 6th and 7th centers to reorganize. And my sense right now (which will probably change) is that all of the three centers together allows the throat center to reorganize.

The chakras setting the stage for soul center awakenings

It also seems that working with the appropriate chakras can set the stage for an awakening of the soul centers, inviting an awakening of the centers to take place. And, as mentioned above, that this awakening in turn allows the chakras to reorganize within this new context.

The relationship(s) between the hara and the belly center

For instance, Breema or other hara-oriented practices can reorganize the hara chakras (2nd, or 3rd, or as I experience it the three first) allowing a drop into endarkenment, which in turn continues the reorganization of the hara chakras within the new context of endarkenment, of a felt sense of all as Spirit, which in turn deepens and more fully embodies this felt sense of all as Spirit.

There must be many individuals out there who have explored this in far more depth, for instance in the different yogic traditions (maybe especially Taoist yoga) and it seems that Almaas too probably have some insights here (although I haven’t gotten that far in reading his books yet.)

tagged: breema, chakras, endarkenment, energy, three centers

Summary of phone session on three centers

Saturday, 30 December, 2006Saturday, 30 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

I did a phone session again this morning, following the knots and allowing them to unravel, and some themes emerged from all the details…

The three centers

The belly and the head centers showed up similar to before, although the heart center now has a red color. There is the warm fertile blackness of the belly center, allowing the body and emotions to relax and reorganize within a sense of safe nurturing holding. The heart center, warm soft and deeply red. The head center, with its golden light. There is a luminosity at each center, black at the belly, red at the heart, and golden at the head.

The darkness of the belly center first came up as a black pearl at the belly center, which revealed itself as the black pearl of the whole of existence, while also remaining there at the belly center. A little later, a luminous full red appeared in the heart area, then flowing down into the belly and up to the mouth, allowing speech and expression to come from the fullness of the belly and the heart. Then, the black and red co-existed throughout the body, apart from the top of the head which was a luminous gold. Staying with this for a while, the fluid golden light dropped down into the body, into the belly and down the legs, then shifting into the heart, and then to the tongue along with the red and black.

The black and red coexisted throughout the body, as a field, with the golden light softly streaming through it.

Essence and frontal personality

Another theme was the relationship between the frontal personality and the essence, especially as it shows up through the belly and heart centers. I saw how this personality was created in early childhood from a sense of separation, with armor in the form of identities, fears and so on. And how essence allows this personality to soften, reorganize, as it allows the body and emotional level to reorganize.

Surrender

And then the continued theme of surrender. Surrendering any contraction coming up, any identities, fears, hopes. Surrendering anything familiar. Surrendering it to God, Spirit, essence, presence, the soul.

tagged: endarkenment, three centers

The three centers and the Big Mind process

Thursday, 28 December, 2006Thursday, 28 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

A few more notes about exploring the three centers through the Big Mind process.

First…

Different forms of embodiment

We can see the three centers as different forms of embodiment.

The head center is seeing it all as Spirit, as awake emptiness and form, absent of I. This human self is just part of that, and Big Mind does not require a functional connection with a human self. Big Mind is grounded in emptiness, seeing all forms as no other than emptiness, and the awakening of the head center allows our view to reorganize within a nondual realization.

The embodiment of Big Mind is to live from seeing all as Spirit.

In the heart center, we move slightly into the realm of I and Other, still within the context of all as Spirit. From here, compassion naturally comes up. Big Heart is about compassion, gratitude, pain, joy, bliss – all of which require a sense of I and Other. These are grounded in subtle energies, and the awakening of the heart center allows our heart to reorganize to all as Spirit, to stay open to all forms Spirit takes.

The embodiment of Big Heart is to live from loving all as Spirit.

The belly center has everything to do with the physical body, of sensing and feeling all as Spirit on a physical and emotional level. It is grounded in the physical body of this human self, allowing every cell of the body and the emotional level to reorganize to all as Spirit.

The awakening of the belly center is to live from feeling all as Spirit.

Exploring the three centers through the Big Mind Process

In the standard version of the BM process, the head and heart centers are explored thorough Big Mind and Big Heart, but the belly center is included only implicitly, if at all.

For each of the centers, we can explore its (a) aspects, flavors and characteristics, (b) how existence appears when filtered through the center, and (c) how to live from it.

Big Mind (a) has formless and form aspects, (b) existence appears as awake emptiness and form, absent of any I, when filtered through the head center, and (c) we live from the head center with detachment, transcending any identification with any particular aspects of Big Mind.

Big Heat (a) has active engaged yang and receptive holding yin aspects, (b) we love all forms as Spirit, and (c) we live from this love of all forms, independent of their particular expressions.

Existence through the belly center (a) is dark, fertile and a ground of form, (b) we feel, in every cell of our body, all as Spirit, and (c) we live from this sense of quiet, deep nurturing blackness, with less or no emotional reactiveness.

We can also explore the difference between how these centers operate within the context of a sense of separation, and within an awakening to all as Spirit.

The view goes from fragmented and dualistic to being informed by a nondual realization. Our heart goes from being partially open and partially closed to being open to all form aspects of Spirit, independent of their characteristics. Our body goes from being tense and rigid to being more relaxed and supple, and our emotions goes from being reactive and fearful to giving a sense of nurturing fullness.

The Big Mind process is already well developed for exploring the two first centers, and it does not seem too difficult to expand it to include more explicitly the belly center.

What happens the body of this human self when all is felt as Spirit? What happens with the emotions? How is it to live from feeling all as Spirit? How is it right now? Allow this human self to marinade within seeing, loving and feeling all as Spirit, and notice what happens to it.

tagged: belly center, big mind process, endarkenment, three centers

Big Mind process and the belly center

Thursday, 28 December, 2006Thursday, 28 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

The head and heart centers in the Big Mind process

The Big Mind process is in a way a simulation of an awakening of the head and heart centers. We get to taste, to dip our toes into, how Spirit reveals itself through the head center (Big Mind) and the heart center (Big Heart). We get to taste how it is to see and love all as Spirit.

The belly center in the Big Mind process

In the process, there is the inevitable taste of feeling all as Spirit as well, of Spirit filtered through the belly center, although this one is almost an accidental side-effect.

To amplify this taste of Spirit filtered through the belly center, we can allow the human self to feel how it is to see and love all as Spirit, to feel into it, sink into it, marinade within it, allowing the body and emotions to reorganize within this context of all as Spirit.

How does it feel in this human self, in the body, when all is seen and loved as Spirit?

How does the body change? Does it relax? Soften? Does it melt away rigidity?

How do the emotions change? Do they relax? Soften? Go from reactive and fearful to giving a sense of nurturing fullness?

Big Mind, Big Heart, and Big Belly

In addition to Big Mind and Big Heart, there is now also Big Belly (!) It is the feeling, the sensed feeling, of all as Spirit. Of all of Existence as a Big Belly, soft, warm, nurturing. A cosmic womb, dark and fertile, allowing the body and the emotions of this human self to reorganize within all as Spirit.

Dipping the toes, diving into, and deepening within

The Big Mind process itself, of course, only gives us a taste of Spirit filtered through these three centers. We are just dipping our toes in the waters.

And becoming familiar with it in this way, simulating an awakening of these three centers, and allowing our view, heart and feelings to begin to reorganize within this new context, sets the stage for a larger shift, for a more full-bodied diving into the water, and then for deepening within it.

tagged: big belly, big mind process, endarkenment, practices

Spheres of blue light

Monday, 25 December, 2006Monday, 25 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

Since the dream last night, the small spheres of blue light seem very tangible, placed in each vertebrae close to the spinal cord. It is like a cool quiet awakening happening there, an awakening of the intelligence of the vertebrae as the guide in the dream told me. A quiet cool intelligence coming alive, at 24 (or so) different points along the spine. (And the quality of the brilliant cool blue intelligent light is really quite similar to the cool blue of the stars in the Pleiades.)

tagged: antaryamin, currently, diksha, endarkenment, energy

Dream: awakening of the vertebrae

Monday, 25 December, 2006Monday, 25 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

A spiritual guide, in the form of a young man, tells me that this is an awakening of the vertebrae intelligence, not the usual awakening of the spine intelligence. A bright cool blue light is placed, or awakened, in each vertebrae, by the spinal cord. I see swirling light around the whole spine, and especially in the hara and solar plexus area. It has blue and light green colors, mixed in with golden, red and the other colors of the rainbow.

This dream happened after I spent some time before falling asleep connecting with the alive infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive luminosity. (It seems to be most present in the heart region right now.)

Earlier last night, I realized that this must be the Antaryamin, the indwelling God, Bhagavan mentions.

The young man in the dream is a guide, an awakened one, and reminds me of the young Buddha Sakyamuni or Bhagavan’s senior male dasa. He is a more mature version of the person who, in a previous dream, helped me climb up the final few feet up a tall building He was very clear that this awakening of the intelligence of each vertebrae is more specific than the awakening of the general spine intelligence.

The small sphere of brilliant, cool blue light placed, or awakened, in each vertebrae, by the spinal cord, has the same quality as the brilliant blue of another dream, and it has come up in waking life through photos of the Pleiades showing up in different contexts (for instance a few days ago when some friends of ours showed us a photo of the Pleiades they have hanging in their bedroom).

tagged: antaryamin, currently, endarkenment, own dream

Twin

Sunday, 24 December, 2006Sunday, 24 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

After dropping into the fertile darkness (belly awakening) and then the alive luminosity, there is now a luminous blackness which shares characteristics with both of those.

It is experienced as luminous and infinitely alive, loving, intelligent, receptive and responsive, and in that sense intimately personal. And it also has the universality of the fertile blackness, the ground of all form, the womb of the cosmos.

The last few days, there is a sense of a doubleness, of being two at once. Of being the familiar personality, and the luminous blackness.

(In Hameed Ali’s terminology, this fertile blackness is one aspect of essence or presence, and I tend to think of it as soul. It is individual and in that sense personal, but also universal in its characteristics. And when we drop into it, it becomes a guidance for our unfolding as soul and human being, and also a guide towards realizing selflessness. For as with our human self, there is no I in essence either. It is another aspect of the field of awake emptiness and form, inherently absent of I anywhere.)

What is interesting is how tangible the experience of doubleness is. I find myself surprised by it throughout the day: there is this personality, and then the alive essence, both there, occupying the same space, as twins although with quite different characteristics. The personality is made up by identities and habits, formed by family, culture and personal experiences. The essence is something entirely different, and infinitely loving, intelligent and receptive.

I see how attention goes to one or the other, and sometimes both (which is when I am taken by surprise by the doubleness of it). Sometimes, there is being caught up in the personality, riding the familiar patterns of this personality. Other times, there is the surrendering to essence of anything coming up, allowing it to be composted there, becoming fertile soil for something else to emerge.

tagged: currently, endarkenment, identity, soul

Dream: the feminine face of God

Sunday, 24 December, 2006Sunday, 24 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

I am shown the feminine face of God, as a continuous stream of always something completely new and unexpected. Always doing something beyond what is familiar. Always completely beyond anything that can be grasped by any knowing or expectation.

It shows its nature of cycles, from infinite to finite, light to dark, familiar to unfamiliar.

It goes to infinity, blowing away any identifications. It is the finite in an always entirely new way. It shows itself as an infinity and richness of flavors, textures, dimensions, realms of being.

It is always and continuously entirely new, different, beyond anything known, anything intuited, any identities, anything familiar. It is a wild ride, completely impossible to keep up with in terms of being able to figure out or predict. Any attempt to hold onto anything familiar is exhausted. There is only the surrender to the always new faces of God, the continuous stream of new realms, textures, flavors, unfoldings.

The stream is so continuous, and always so completely unexpected, that there was is choice but to surrender to it. This is the feminine aspect of God, the world of forms, infinite finiteness (!) It is the Self-Realization aspect of awakening, which is infinite, without end, always unfolding in always new and surprising ways. It is the yin awakening, the dance of the infinite fertility of God. It is the perfect and most intimate complement to the yang awakening, of realized selflessness.

It is the always deepening embodiment of realized selflessness, allowing for a more complete abandon to the newness of God, the always utterly surprising unfolding of the infinite fertility of God.

In Ken Wilber’s terminology, it is vertical awakening, the continued development of this human self and essence/soul, as an aspect of the continued evolution of the world of form as a whole. It is the complement to horizontal awakening, to the field of awake emptiness and form awakening to itself, to realized selflessness.

And this realized selflessness is exactly what allows for a deepening into the wild ride of the world of form, always fresh, utterly unexpected, always surprising to itself.

It is what allows God to continuously surprise and be astonished by itself.

I also see how appropriate it was for this dream to come on what we celebrate as the birthday of Jesus who embodied God awakening to itself in such as deep way, and also knew that this deepening would not end with him. (You will do far greater things than I. John 14:12)

tagged: endarkenment, own dream, surrender

Hara, energetic hole, scoliosis and endarkenment

Friday, 22 December, 2006Friday, 22 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

I can’t remember if I have mentioned it here, but I have noticed for some time the relationship between energetic holes, physical problems, psychological tendencies, and now also the three soul centers.

For me, the main one is in the hara.

Since the initial awakening in my teens, I have been aware of an energetic hole in my navel area, specifically located at and near my spine. At the same area, I had a noticeable physical deformity as well, an odd stacking of the vertebrae diagnosed as scoliosis.

At the time, I did a lot of Tai Chi and Chi Gong, both because I wanted more grounding and embodiment, and also to fill up this region.

A couple of years ago, I found Breema which also specifically works with the Hara region, and I have experienced a great deal of fullness, warmth and nurturing in the belly from Breema. Slowly over these couple of years, the energetic hole has filled up, and the spine has reorganized so there is only a slight stacking oddity now (helped along with massage in that area).

With the more recent belly awakening, the endarkenment, there is a sense of a deep luminous velvety blackness and also a new level of nurturing, and a new feeling of everything as Spirit.

This feeling of everything as Spirit, and the reorganizing of the emotional level within the context of all as Spirit, was exactly what was missing in the initial awakening. The head and heart centers were awakened, but not (yet) the belly one. So although I saw, and even loved, all as Spirit, I didn’t feel all as Spirit. The emotions lived their own life, and there was a good deal of turmoil there, partly as a consequence of the intensity of the awakening and its implications.

So there was an energetic hole in the hara region, a physical deformity in the spine at the level just below the navel, and a lack of grounding and emotional turmoil.

This energetic hole then gradually filled in, the physical deformity reduced greatly, and then there was a sudden shift into endarkenment, an early belly awakening into feeling all as Spirit, allowing the emotions to reorganize to all as Spirit, and a new sense of deep nurturing and being held by the velvety luminous blackness.

It is also interesting to note that Hameed Ali (A. H. Almaas) writes about these things in ways very close to my own experiences (although from far more experience and with more precision.)

tagged: almaas, emptiness, endarkenment, energy, healing, psychology, three centers

Dream: leading me to execution

Saturday, 16 December, 2006Saturday, 16 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

I am led by the alive luminous blackness, and it takes me to my execution.

It is very vivid. I follow the alive blackness, and am led to a very physical place where I am to be executed by hanging. There is a real sense of fear and terror faced with death.

See next post for more about this.

tagged: currently, endarkenment, own dream

Sequence of unfolding of fertile darkness and alive luminosity

Saturday, 16 December, 2006Saturday, 16 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

As I mentioned in the previous post, there has been a sequence of unfoldings of the fertile darkness and the alive presence, in how they appear to me.

First, I dropped into the fertile darkness, a belly awakening, a deep smooth fertile blackness, a feeling of all as Spirit, allowing the emotional level to reorganize.

Then, the alive luminosity, infinitely alive, intelligent, loving, receptive and responsive.

Then, in my dream from yesterday, the luminous darkness, where the fertile darkness took on the qualities of aliveness, love, receptivity and intelligence of the alive luminosity.

And then last night, during the Christ meditation, the soft luminosity, where the alive luminosity took on the smooth deep soft embracing qualities of the fertile darkness.

As I also mentioned, it seems that this is the way the two are revealed to me as not two.

All of these have the same qualities of infinity, timelessness, presence, omnipresence, emptiness yet inseparable from form. It is as omnipresent as space, yet also independent of space and time. And as Almaas points out in his book Essence (which I skimmed through for the first time last night) there is a definite quality of substance to it. An alive presence with substance.

tagged: alive lumonosity, almaas, currently, endarkenment, process

The closest to immediate experience

Friday, 15 December, 2006Friday, 15 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

I realize that many of these terms, such as fertile darkness, luminous blackness, alive luminosity, crystal clear quality, and so on, can be seen as poetic inventions. In a way, they are, but they are also what seems closest to immediate experience.

There is an immediate experience of the fertile smooth rich darkness, the alive luminosity, the luminous blackness, the crystal clear quality, and more. These are the terms that are most close to how each of these appear, when arising in awareness.

They are metaphors, but the closest to experience that we, or at least I, can get. The words themselves come from the thinking mind, but the thinking mind is only of assistance in putting it into words, as close to experience as possible. It has a secondary and minor role. Experience is primary, putting it into words secondary.

Emptiness filtered through head and belly centers

For instance, emptiness, then filtered through the head center, or even thought about in abstract terms, could be called fertile. But it is a stretch. Its empty quality is in the foreground, and the empty quality of all forms are in the foreground. The experience is that forms are emptiness, that they are inseparable. To say that form comes out of emptiness, and emptiness in that way is fertile, is possible, but a stretch from the immediate experience. It is an intellectualization.

But emptiness, when filtered through the belly center, does have a sense of fertility about it. It is black smooth full rich and fertile, and a fertile ground of form. In our immediate experience, it appears as fertile, as brimming with potentiality.

So to call emptiness fertile is more of an intellectualization if filtered through the head center, and an immediate experience when filtered through the belly center.

tagged: emptiness, endarkenment, talking about, three centers

Three centeres as filters

Friday, 15 December, 2006Friday, 15 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

The three centers of head, belly and heart, seem to be filters for experience in several different ways.

Organized in the context of separation

If there is a sense of I, and the many identities added to this sense, they form in the context of separation.

The view is dualistic.

The heart is partly open and partly closed.

The emotions are reactive.

And each center tends to operate somewhat independently of the others.

Organized in the context of all as Spirit

When the centers awaken, they reorganize to all as Spirit.

The view is informed by a nondual realization.

The heart is open independent of the form aspect of Spirit.

The emotions has a sense of fullness, quietness and nurturing.

Each of the centers tends to be aligned and coordinated with the others.

Aspects of Spirit when filtered through the three centers

When the centers awaken, they not only reorganize to all as Spirit, but also filter Spirit in different ways. The centers filter the aspects of Spirit, such as awakeness, emptiness, luminosity and form, as white light is filtered through a prism.

Through the head center, emptiness has a crystal clear quality, as fresh mountain air. And the emptiness aspect of awakeness, luminosity and form is most noticeable.

Through the belly center, emptiness has a quiet, dark, full quality, a fertile full ground of potential. And the infinitely alive, intelligent, loving and receptive quality of awakeness and luminosity is most noticeable.

The head center is more yang, masculine, transcendent, free, detached, emphasizing emptiness.

The belly center is more yin, feminine, immanent, embodied, engaged, emphasizing a dark fertile responsive fullness.

More about the heart center later, when that comes more into the foreground.

tagged: endarkenment, three centers

Alive luminous blackness

Friday, 15 December, 2006Friday, 15 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

Initially separate, now revealed as aspects of the same

It is interesting how the endarkenment and the alive luminosity came up at different times (the endarkenment a few weeks ago, and the alive luminosity only a few days ago), and as initially separate and distinct.

Now, in the dream and in my awake consciousness, they are merged.

There is a sense of a luminous velvety blackness, where the blackness itself is luminous, as black light. And it has the alive intelligence, love and receptivity that I first noticed in the luminosity.

Luminous Night’s Journey

This also reminds me of Hameed Ali’s journal excerpts published under the title A Luminous Night’s Journey. When I read it this summer, I knew he was describing something in the title that was unfamiliar to me, and it seems that this is it. The alive luminous blackness, velvety, intelligent, loving, receptive.

Belly awakening, fertile darkness and alive luminosity

As described earlier, the fertile darkness seems connected with a belly awakening, and of feeling all as Spirit. It allows the emotions to reorganize within the context of all as Spirit, becoming less reactive, and giving a sense of deep quiet nurturing fullness.

The alive luminosity also seems connected with the belly awakening. Where the emptiness aspect of luminosity is revealed in a head centered awakening, the belly awakening seems to reveal the aliveness, intelligence, love and receptivity of the same luminosity. It has more of a sense of fullness to it, and infinitely alive.

Awake emptiness and form, filtered through head and belly awakenings

It seems that the awakening of each of the three centers, of head, belly and heart, each reveal different realms of the same, different facets of Spirit, of awake emptiness and form.

The awake emptiness and form is there, in each case, yet revealing different aspects of itself in each awakening, as light split through a prism.

In the head awakening, the emptiness takes on a crystal clear quality, as clear mountain air, and the luminosity is revealed with this empty crystal clear quality.

And in the belly awakening, the emptiness takes on a velvety smooth fertile black character, while the luminosity takes on an infinitely alive, intelligent, loving, receptive and responsive quality.

tagged: alive lumonosity, almaas, endarkenment, three centers

Dream: Alive luminous blackness

Friday, 15 December, 2006Friday, 15 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

There is a starfield with strikingly deep velvety blackness and brilliant cool blue stars. The blackness is luminous and alive with infinite intelligence, love, receptivity and responsiveness. A voice says “this is the end of anything organized”.

The starfield has the fertile deep black qualities of the endarkenment, and also the aliveness, intelligence, love and receptivity of the alive luminosity. It combines both.

And there is a knowing that the presence of this alive luminous blackness means the end of anything organized, in the sense of pre-structured and planned, coming from the outside or from the mind. From now on, the luminous blackness is a guide for what unfolds.

tagged: alive lumonosity, currently, endarkenment, own dream

Courage to explore

Thursday, 14 December, 2006Thursday, 14 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

In this shift into endarkenment, I am especially grateful for company along the way.

Among the few traveling companions I have found are Karen and Barry, leading our diksha group, and who have both gone through and are deepening into the endarkenment.

Adyashanti who briefly mentioned the three centers of awakening when he spoke in Ashland, and how his main shift started as a belly awakening.

And also Hameed Ali, who has written about all this in such a clear and detailed way in many of his books, under the pen name A. H. Almaas.

Especially as this seems to be a little outside of the well-worn paths of the traditions, at least what is spoken about openly and presented to a general audience, it is good to find fellow travelers. It gives courage to explore. To dive into it more fully.

tagged: almaas, endarkenment, sangha

Cycling through 2nd, 3rd and 1st person

Thursday, 14 December, 2006Thursday, 14 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

In the shifts into endarkenment and then the alive luminosity, I notice what seems to be a natural cycling through 2nd, 3rd and 1st person relationships with it.

I initially explored the fertile darkness through a 2nd person relationship, as a You, then a 3rd person relationship, as an it, exploring and mapping it through images and words, then a 1st person relationship, as part of the field absent of I, then back to a 3rd person relationship, and so on. Naturally cycling through the three ways of exploring it. And the same seems to happen with the alive luminosity.

The second person relationship takes the form of seeing, feeling and loving it as You, and also prayer and intention. The first person relationship is not a relationship, but the field awake to itself – including the fertile darkness and alive luminosity – as absent of I. And the third person relationship is one of mental exploration, of mapping, writing, reading and talking about it.

tagged: 1st-2nd-3rd person, alive lumonosity, endarkenment, exploration

Feeling all arising as Spirit and me

Thursday, 14 December, 2006Thursday, 14 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

Throughout the day, and especially when lying in bed before falling asleep or waking up, the practice of feeling all as Spirit and me comes up.

Whatever arises is felt as Spirit and as me. It is awake emptiness and form, and it is me or a mirror for me as a human self.

I especially do this with anything arising that is outside of my habitual identities, such as fear, people I am attracted to or feel aversion towards, fatigue, pain, even countries and the Earth as a whole.

I feel into it as Spirit and me, and along with this is the seeing of it as Spirit and me, which in turn awakens the loving of it as Spirit and me.

Reorganizing the three centers, and allowing anything human to be experienced as me

This helps reorganize the three centers of view, emotions and heart within the context of all as Spirit.

And it helps transform my identity as a human being to be more inclusive of anything human. To feel, see and love anything human as not only it, over there, but also me, right here.

tagged: currently, endarkenment, practices, projections

Three aspects of composting

Wednesday, 13 December, 2006Wednesday, 13 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

Looking at composting a little closer, I see that all three centers are involved, much as I have written about earlier in a non-composting context (!)

Something arises, for instance a resistance, which can range from the seed resistance to the field absent of I, to all its many fruits. And it is seen, loved and felt.

It is seen in its form aspect, and as Spirit.

It is loved in its form aspect, and as Spirit.

And it is felt in its form aspect, and as Spirit.

One of the fruits of the seed resistance arises, for instance fear of loosing something. And it is seen, loved, and felt as fear, with its unique texture and flavor, and as Spirit.

There is detachment, from pure witnessing. There is love for it as is. And it is felt into, as is and as Spirit.

This allows it to be held as is, and also to transform in its own way.

It was formed within the context of a sense of separation, and transforms within the context of all as Spirit.

Or we can say that it is composted back into the soil, and its nutrients allows new plants and fruits to emerge in the context of all as Spirit.

tagged: composting, endarkenment, three centers

Composting, Breema and endarkenment

Wednesday, 13 December, 2006Wednesday, 13 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

What I experience as composting seems to have two inseparable aspects.

Aspects of composting

There is the feeling into whatever arises (usually some form of resistance, or the fruits of resistance) as is.

And there is the feeling into it as Spirit, as fullness and emptiness, as alive luminous awake emptiness and form, as fullness and awake space, or however it appears.

When both are present, it seems to allow whatever is felt into to unfold and transform. There is a healing component here, allowing reactive emotions to transform into a sense of quiet nurturing fullness.

Breema, composting and endarkenment

This is actually quite similar to what they talk about in Breema. Bring the attention to the body, and feelings will join, which I experience also there as a sense of quiet stable nurturing supportive fullness, centered in the belly region.

My sense is that Breema is quite a bit about the endarkenment, although they don’t talk about it that way. There is an emphasis on the hara region, the belly, and there is certainly a transforming of emotions into giving this sense of warm full quiet stable nurturing supporting fullness.

It seems that for me, Breema set the stage for the endarkenment shift, along with shadow work and other things I have done for a while, and the endarkenment diksha allowed me to fall into it, opening up for a whole new dimension of being.

Two phases of endarkenment

Again, there seems to be two phases or aspects of the endarkenment.

There is the energetic and attention components, which are centered in the Hara, the belly region. Tai Chi, Chi Gong, Zen, Breema and many other practices activates the Hara and gives a sense of energy activity there, of warmth and nurturing fullness. It seems that this is an early taste of some aspects of endarkenment. This energetic work, and the dipping into it, is a form of pre-endarkenment.

But the shift into endarkenment is quite different. It is a shift into a whole new dimension of being. It seems stable, deep, full, a whole new way of being and experiencing existence. It is a dropping into a full rich quiet darkness. And it unfolds and deepens from here on, which includes allowing the emotions to reorganize in even deeper ways.

The pre-endarkenment is like dipping the toes in the water. The shift into endarkenment is jumping into it. And the process of unfolding is to swim, dive down into and explore in many ways this whole new realm of being.

tagged: breema, emotions, endarkenment, healing

Feeling it all as Spirit and me

Wednesday, 13 December, 2006Wednesday, 13 December, 2006 moe Leave a comment

On the bus yesterday, crowded and with all sorts of people, the practice of feeling all as Spirit and as me came into the foreground.

Feeling it all as Spirit. All the many flavors of people, the bus and everything else, felt as Spirit, as one substance, as fullness and emptiness, as awake emptiness and form, as the intelligent, loving and alive luminosity.

And feeling it all as me. Feeling the flavors of people as me, as mirrors on my human level. Feeling into the fullness of humanity, out there and also in here, no matter how it shows up. Whatever is out there is also in here, in its felt fullness.

At the same time, there was a sense of giving it all to the fertile darkness, of everything composting itself within and as the fertile darkness. All the forms, all the flavors of humanity, all the many forms of human life.

Composting it all, through feeling into it and seeing it all as Spirit, as fullness and emptiness, as living awake luminous emptiness and form. The composting seems to happen when both are present. The feeling into the many flavors of form gives it fullness and presence. The feeling into it as Spirit allows it to unfold and transmute.

To put it into more everyday language: composting involves feeling into whatever arises, while allowing space for it to unfold and change. It is very simple. And it is similar to what happens naturally in mediations such as Shikantaza, although there is a slight engagement through the feeling into what arises.

It seems to bring about a healing, especially at an emotional level. From reactive emotions, the emotions gives a sense of quiet nurturing fullness. And it seems to bring about awakening, through feeling into it all as Spirit, as fullness and emptiness, alive awake luminous emptiness and form.

………………….

[initial entry]

On the bus yesterday, crowded and with all sorts of people, the practice of feeling all as Spirit and as me came into the foreground.

Feeling it all as Spirit, all the many flavors of people, the bus and everything else. Felt as Spirit, as one substance, as fullness and emptiness, awake emptiness and form.

And feeling it all as me, at my human level, as mirrors for me. Feeling into the fullness of humanity, out there and in here, no matter how it shows up. Whatever is out there, is also in here, in its felt fullness.

Again, this is something that goes beyond what is easily conveyed by words. It is easy enough to talk about working with projections on a more mental and felt level. But the composting part is different. I still don’t know how to describe that in a way that would allow others to find it for themselves. Maybe it will come with time.

There is a sense of feeling into it, while also seeing it as Spirit, as awake emptiness and form. There is a holding of both, which allows what is felt and seen to transform.

tagged: endarkenment

Recent energy drawings

Tuesday, 12 December, 2006Thursday, 19 October, 2017 moe Leave a comment

From Sunday evening, after the diksha group and the additional activation of the three soul centers. I have experienced light below me quite strongly recently, since the endarkenment, initially as blobs of light (as in some of the previous drawings), and now as a very large field of light below me. I notice how the blobs above seem to merge and become larger.

Also from Sunday evening, with a little more color. It was made just before the other one, so it does not as accurately mirror what is going on as that one (but worth including because of the color).

From December 6, with the blobs of light above and below, more or less symmetrically. The drawing also has a clear differentiation between above and below, as there has been since the endarkenment shift.

The lines below reflect the sense of dark, fertile fullness of the endarkenment, centered in the belly. And the rays above, centered in the heart area, reflect the luminosity of the enlightenment, centered in the head. (Both are in a process of unfolding. There is still a slight sense of I, and there is no sense that there is an end to the endarkenment process.)

A drawing from November 30, similar to the December 6 one. Here too, the blobs of light above and below, and the differentiation above and below. I think this is the most beautiful one, although it represents only one (brief) phase and the light below is now far more expansive and luminous.

tagged: currently, endarkenment, energy, energy drawing

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