Category: surrender

Again, I see how I just need to notice that everything is always and already God’s will… Anything arising as this human self – the body, emotions, thoughts, choices, behavior, and anything arising as the wider world – other people, their behaviors, the landscape, the cityscape, what’s in the news… It is all God’s will, every bit of it. There was never any individual or personal will here, only the appearance of it, only a belief in an idea that made it appear so.

God’s will = everything as having infinite causes = any manifested as local expressions of the movements of the totality

Surrender is an ongoing process… partly surrendering similar things over and over, and also surrendering new layers of resistance, wants, shoulds, identities and beliefs. And this blog is part of the process… surrendering any wants, shoulds and identities around it, of not wanting to say the obvious, not wanting to repeat myself over and over, not wanting to write in such a terse and fragmented style, wanting to bring in more juiciness and fullness into it, wanting to make it more real and embodied, wanting to be more genuine and authentic, wanting it to look a certain way, present a certain image… All of that, also surrendered. Allowing whatever comes up to come up, to have its life, including all of this, and everything that does not fit all of these compartments.

I notice the usual cycles happening, of what I can see as ups and downs, light and dark, and of weaving it all together, journeying through it to discover the larger whole they all are parts of.

For a day or several days, there is luminosity, clarity, awakening related dreams, a clear sense of selflessness and this I as just a figment of the imagination.

Then, for a day or several days, there is dullness, aridity, with or without the sense of selflessness, shadow dreams, and sometimes also being caught up in the patterns of personality and the sense of I.

There is a sense of bringing the light of awareness into those areas excluded from awareness through all the many forms of resistance, such as identities, fears, hopes, attractions, aversions, habits and so on. There is a sense of journeying through the wider landscape beyond any identities, becoming familiar with it as the wider landscape.

And I notice how the only way “out” is to surrender any resistance, as a continuous practice. To surrender any resistance, any sense of I, any identities, fears, hopes, attractions, aversions, goals, wishes. To allow it all to go. To surrender any attachments to anything familiar, anything known, any wishes, any intentions apart from surrendering it all, and then surrendering that one too.

From a certain perspective, the stream of phenomena is God’s will.

It is the stream of the world of form – of sensations, sounds, sights, feelings, emotions, thoughts, personality, behaviors, situations, the world, unfolding in space and time. And it is all God’s will.

It is a field of God’s will. God’s will unfolding, clearly, here and now.

Even resistance to this stream is God’s will. Trying to hold onto some aspects of the stream, and pushing other aspects away. Even that is God’s will, unfolding.

Seeing this brings me right into headlessness, into the seeing, or even a taste of the Ground of seeing and seen, absent of I anywhere.

It is a surrender of self-will, of wanting the stream to be different from what it is. Of thinking that I know better than God. Of wanting God, as it unfolds in and as form right now, to be different. Ultimately, it is the surrender of the idea of I, the story of I, the drama wrapped up in the sense of I. It is a surrender of (the attachment to the idea of) I as a fragment of the whole, a fragment of the seamless field of the seeing and the seen inherently absent of any I anywhere.

Surrender has come up for me recently.

When life kicks us around enough, there is little choice but to surrender – at least to some extent. And I see how the surrendering itself is a gift, independent of whether it helps us through with less stress or not, and what other gifts we may discover through the surrender.

Of course, the surrender itself is just an appearance, although this one too can seem very real.

Resistance and struggle

Whenever there is a belief in ideas, there is resistance to what is, to life as it shows up in the present. And this shows up as struggle, as a sense of I and Other, right and wrong, likes and dislikes.

The totality (Spirit, God, Buddha Mind) temporarily identifies with a segment of itself, with ideas and a human self, and creates a sense of struggle with the rest of itself.

So when the center of gravity is in ideas and the human self in this way, there is a sense of my will as different from, and sometimes opposed to, the will of the world. And there is a living from this as if it is real. There is resistance, and with it drama, struggle and stress.

And even this resistance is the local manifestation of the totality. It is Ground allowing the form of resistance, as it allows any other forms arising. Resistance is inherently total surrender, emptiness dancing, although it is certainly not experienced that way.

Totality awakening to itself

The only resolution and release is when the totality awakens to its own nature and any temporary exclusive identifications falls away. When this happens, there is no longer any my will and thou will. There is no doer anymore, everything is just happening. This human self and everything around it are local expressions of the totality.

Two forms of surrender

In the first case, when the center of gravity is still in the human self, there is a dipping into surrender. Situations arise that are not to this human self’s liking. When they cannot easily be changed and persist for a while, resistance tends to wear down – although not quite to nothing.

In the second case, when totality has awakened to its own nature while still functionally connected with a particular human self, the whole issue of surrendering falls away.

It is, in a way, the ultimate surrendering to what is, to all the many ways the world of form arise. And since everything is just happening as expressions of the totality, absent of any I anywhere, it is also absent of any surrender.

Existence itself is a process of radical nonattachment – everything continuously dying as what it is and being reborn as something else. Everything always new, fresh, different. An eternal Present which content is willing to go anywhere, to explore every possibility of manifestation – from galaxies to planets and living beings, from delusion to awakening.

As long as there is any attachment here, to any idea, any state, any manifestation, my works is not done. As long as I am not willing to awaken (for God to awaken to its own nature), and then go into delusion again (as God obviously is willing to), the work is not done. Even the attachment to awakening is an attachment.

God goes into delusion, right now – through myriads of beings. And God most likely goes into delusion again as universes cycle through existence. Of course, when God awakens to its own nature, it is all revealed as the play of God. Yet, there is also the willingness to temporarily experience the delusion from the inside – with all its suffering.

In a way, it is the ultimate free-fall. There is nothing in the world of phenomena to rely on. It all comes (in order) to pass, as Byron Katie says. The only Ground is emptiness forming itself into these always new phenomena. The only Ground is God, Big Mind. Empty of any characteristics so also able to take on any temporary form.

One practice, common to many traditions – and one that may arise spontaneously during awakenings as well – is offering to the divine.

Offering any perceived problems, a difficult situation, our human self, our relationships and those close to us, our material possessions, our community, earth, the universe, existence. All we do is really to offer aspects of God back to God, and we do it for our sake – to remind us of this, to release our sense of anything being not divine, of anything being separate, of any “I” anywhere in all of this.

In terms of perceived problems – and everything else, it helps us loosen our grip on it and our perceived identification with it.

Some time back when I did this, there was a sense of it being offered “up” to the divine. Now, it just seems to happen in place. This is similar to the shift that happened for me in receiving deeksha, initially experiencing it as coming from above and “outside”, and now as happening right in place – coming out of every point of space. Flowing directly out of the Ground, everywhere.

During sitting today, Existence (through the teacher) spoke about the wonder and mystery of being carried in breath. And can we surrender to being carried in breath? Being carried by Existence?

It struck me how we how we always – without exception – are being carried by Existence. Every moment, in every way. This body and breath, these sensations, emotions, thoughts, this field of spacious awareness – it is all carried by existence.

It is beyond doing and not doing. And there is no separate “I” that creates or can take credit for anything. Existence is. A seamless whole beyond and embracing all polarities and dualites.