This is one of the more remarkable experiences so far in my process. Below is what I wrote just after it happened, and I’ll leave it as it is since it is quite raw and naked. I may write a more organized summary at some point. I’ll also add updates.
ORIGINAL POST
I have experienced quite a lot of distress today, from coming face-to-face again with the pattern of something very good happening in my life, and then it falls apart. I felt I was brought to my knees. (A large hotel is being built straight across from our land, and it may make it impossible for us to live here on our dream place and piece of paradise.)
I wrote the main Vortex Healing teacher about this pattern to see if he had any insights or pointers. (His pointers and insights are usually very helpful to me.) He responded that he could not find an emotional issue behind it, that it was likely karmic, and to pray for support.
My wife and I then asked Amma for help, while laying in bed.
First, I saw Amma in the distance. There were several light grey cutouts between me and Amma, so I asked her to remove all the obstacles.
She did, and was here in energetic form through and in and around my system, working on it.
She was no longer human. She showed herself in an energy form.
It shifted, and there was no division between Amma and my system. Amma was my system, my system was Amma. It was as if my system was made up of small diamonds.
There were many shifts for the next two hours or so.
I saw my system in infinite space and made up of small diamonds.
There were tears for most of the time and periods of strong breathing.
I saw and experienced what seemed like the real yantras that the drawings try to depict. My system was these yantras, and they were my system.
There was a cosmic phase. Infinite space. Stars.
There was a phase with the presence of aliens (!).
There was a softening and the aliveness and presence of this land was strong, along with infinite space, stars, and the center of the earth.
A lot of the time, I think I sounded like Ellie from Contact when she was going through the wormhole (!).
No words. I don’t know anything. Everything. Nothing. So beautiful.
During the cosmic phase and the stars: This is home.
I took a photo of myself after this was over, to send to Ric, and the photo looks very different from any other of me. During the process, Amma and I were no longer human. We were energies, space, and consciousness, and that shows in the photo.
My wife sensed the same as me throughout this process. She would report what I experienced.
Apart from the first few minutes, I experienced all as energies and infinite space.
This lasted from about 10 pm when I read Ric’s email to close to midnight.
It took some minutes for my human presence to return, and it’s mostly but not quite back an hour later.
It was as if everything that happened today led to this, including channeling into water to clear and protect the land, and sprinkling it along the edges of Finca Milagros. (The road and Camino Real.)
THE FOLLOWING DAY
A few words in the morning: I woke up with some sadness, maybe because of what’s happening in this neighborhood. My system feels quite different and familiar at the same time. Spacious and cosmic, in a way. I still have no idea what it was about. Was it a healing for this land? Was karma removed from my system? My wife says she feels it was a lineage that was created.
I remember that early in the process last night, I asked Amma if this was for me. After all, I have a lot of trauma and struggles at a human level. She waved it away as if she waved away a fly. It felt as if it was determined a long time ago.
From the middle of the process, or earlier, it was all very cosmic. It was as if the whole of the cosmos was here with stars, planets, beings from other places in the cosmos. Later, they were here with this land and the spirit and spirits of this land and the beings here.
Everything happened within and as energy and consciousness – the whole process, Amma, space, cosmos, stars, this land, this (“my”) system, the little diamonds making up this system.
The infinity and space was dark through the process, happening as energies and consciousness, with stars and the cosmos and what else was happening through the process.
Tears ran for just about the whole process. (And also this morning.)
Here is a summary I wrote for one of the Vortex teachers, asking if she could sense what happened: I am writing mainly because we asked Amma for help last night, and it started a two-hour profound process for me. A. sensed it too, and she sensed what was happening as it was happening. It was as if the whole cosmos was here, and everything was energies and consciousness. Anything human was left behind.
TWO DAYS LATER
Update two days later: I was very tired yesterday and rested and slept the whole afternoon and evening and slept through the night.
When I noticed some old personality patterns, they didn’t seem to fit so much anymore.
Looking back to the two-hour Amma process, what stands out is that Amma is not most fundamentally human and I am also not. (We are consciousness and energies, and Amma also revealed herself and me as emptiness and more.)
I remember the complete impossibility of living from what was revealed. (And the impossibility of not living as it since it’s what we are).
And also that there are no words. No words can even get close to describing any of it.
A thought can say that none of that is really “new”. I wrote the same in my teens from direct experience and noticing. And yet, it’s always new. And this version and packaging of it was also new to me.
THREE DAYS LATER
This is a reminder of why I am not so interested in psychedelics. This cosmic journey was as strong and profound as I imagine just about any psychedelic journey. Variations of these kinds of shifts and journeys have been part of my life since early childhood.
ONE WEEK LATER
It’s now one week later, and Amma is still here. In my experience, she appears within and as my system and within and as everything. She is also here in healing sessions and when I ask for healing and transformation for myself.
I find I like to rest in and as this noticing and giving everything that’s here, my whole field and system, to Amma and the divine. This is not so different from what I have done since my teens, but it is different in that the Amma quality is here everywhere now. It’s a different flavor of the divine.
When I do healing now, it also has a different flavor. A more cosmic flavor and all as Amma. It’s also happening from emptiness, which again is not so different from how it was even in my teens, but that emptiness somehow also has an Amma flavor now.
During the cosmic journey a week ago, Amma revealed herself in energetic form, as all of Cosmos and existence, and as the emptiness all comes from and which forms itself into all of it. It makes sense since everything is all of this, and she knows she is all of it.
ELEVEN DAYS LATER
I spent the day yesterday giving everything to Amma – this system, this life, anything in my system that still holds onto an experience of separation and being a doer or observer, and so on. Really, it’s just a noticing that that’s how it already is, and rest in and as that noticing.
In the evening, I started feeling very cooked and a lot of old trauma came up in my system. It was very uncomfortable. When that happens, I usually try to be on my own and not make any decisions. (Against my better judgment, I did send a message – saying something true – which created some trouble, partly because I didn’t have the full picture of the situation. That too is bringing up things in me. Including a family pattern of speaking up about something real and being met with anger.)
It’s now the morning after, and my system still feels very cooked, raw, and in turmoil.
It’s OK. I assume it’s part of a healing process. And it also impacts my daily life, of course.
TWO WEEKS LATER
It’s now two weeks later. What’s easier than anything else is to notice Amma as everything. I notice Amma as all there is without exception, including the most terrible things.
I pick something my personality doesn’t like – an experience, something in me, someone else, a situation – notice it as Amma, rest in and as that noticing, and allow it to work on me and transform me in whatever way it wants.
Of course, Amma here is equal to the divine, and this has very little to do with her human form or even her energetic form. This is Amma as the nothing that forms itself into everything. And I notice the Amma flavor in it all now, after what happened two weeks ago.
THREE WEEKS LATER
I find myself using “Amma healing” now instead of anything else. It seems far more powerful and that’s also what I hear from others. It seems I can quite easily connect with Amma – as cosmic emptiness, energy, and form – and ask her with healing for individuals, situations, and places.
I’ll keep exploring it. Or it will keep exploring itself with a tiny input from me.
Since that evening three weeks ago, my sleep pattern has been different. I used to get up at 4 or 5am and often remembered dreams. Now, I sleep until 7 or 8am and although I know there has been a lot of processing-kind of dreams, I don’t remember any.
I should also mention that since then, a lot has been coming up in my system. A lot of old energies and likely old traumas. It’s been very difficult, and it did shift two days ago. My system feels more open again now.
TWO MONTHS LATER
A couple of notes two months later:
I haven’t remembered dreams (apart from fragments from one night) since this experience. That’s very unusual for me. I feel it has to do with this experience since it shifted on that day.
I wonder if I went into a kind of “opening-closing” dynamic here. That’s something that happened often in my teens and early twenties. At a human level, I would open quite fully to the divine, and then there would be a phase where my system would go into a contraction and unprocessed things would come up. A few days ago, my system went into a kind of contraction, perhaps as a response to old unprocessed pain and anger surfacing.
Another way to talk about is that “ups” are followed by “downs”. Our system opens to the divine, and then unprocessed material comes up to be seen, felt, loved, and recognized as consciousness and/or a flavor of the divine. It seems to be a natural dynamic. It all happens within and as what I am, and sometimes my center of gravity is in that noticing and sometimes caught up in what’s coming up.
JANUARY 2025
It’s now January 25, 2025, a little over a year later.
Amma for me is still emptiness taking the form of consciousness, energy, and all of existence. In that way, she is the same as what I find I am. Or, what I notice here is how I see her.
It’s almost comical to think of her primarily in her physical form, although that’s also one part of her and one of the ways she engages with humans. It’s how she engaged with humans through the ordinary senses, so in that way, it is very important.
Similarly, it’s almost comical how far thoughts – mental representations – are from what they point to. They may be good and invaluable as pointers, but they can’t even begin to touch what they point to.
Dreams and working with dreams have been an important part of my life since my teens, so it’s been interesting to notice how I haven’t remembered many dreams after this experience with her. For a few months, I didn’t remember many if any (?) dreams and didn’t have a sense of dreaming either. (I assume there likely were dreams although am not sure.) Then, for some months, I would remember a very occasional dream. A couple of days ago, I asked – the divine, life, the consciousness I am – to remember dreams again, and I have remembered three dreams over the last two days. That’s more than I have remembered over several weeks since the Amma experience.
When I invite in healing, I ask Amma and it happens from emptiness taking the form of energies and physicality, it happens in the way I notice myself, Amma, existence, and whomever or whatever I invite in healing for. We are all aspects of the same. Or, said another way, I notice myself that way so imagine the rest of existence that way too.
