Own inquiry: I am doomed

This is an inquiry into a recurrent feeling (thought, identity, velcro, belief) for me. For a few years now, I have had a sense of doom. It’s a distinct feeling combined with some images and words. It mostly seems preverbal, and it seems to come from very early in life.

It seems connected to images I have of how it was before incarnation. I was told, or knew, I was about to incarnate again, and was told if I wanted to. I said yes, even if a part of me really didn’t want to. I felt hurt, angry, unloved, uncared for, betrayed. Doomed. (When this gets triggered in me, I also feel fatigued, knocked out, my brain fog intensifies. It usually gets triggered when I say yes to something I really want to say no to, or the other way around. When I am inauthentic with myself and others.)

Feel the sensation. Take your time. Notice where it is. How it feels. See how it is to be curious about it. Notice they are sensations. The sensations are in my face, throat, chest, some in the stomach. On the skin mostly. [Some minutes goes by.] 

What does it mean? I am doomed.

Look at those words, “I am doomed”. Notice the shapes. Colors. The space around the words. The space between you and the words. Push the words further away. Bring them in closer. Are those words you the one who is doomed? Yes, it feels like it. It’s the same feeling.

Feel that feeling. Take your time. Remember to breathe.  I see an image of a dark color and texture, it’s in front of me but also everywhere. It seems quite familiar.

Look at that image. Look at the color. Texture. Notice the space around it. The space between you and the picture. What does it mean? It means I am doomed. Life is doom. When I incarnated it was doom.

Look at those words. Is there a threat in the words? Yes, there is a reaction in my stomach.

Feel that reaction. Feel the sensations. Notice the space around them.  Are those sensations the one who is doomed? Yes, I see a picture of me sitting here looking doomed.

Look at that picture. Is it you the one who is doomed? Yes, feels like it. I feel it in my face.

Feel those sensations. Are they the one who is doomed? No.

 Rest with what’s here. Notice. Allow. Where is the one who is doomed? Do you find him in sensations? Images? Words? Sensations in face and front of upper body. Image of my face, and faintly the rest of my body.

Look at the image. Look at the colors. Lines. Texture. Is it the one who is doomed? No.

Feel the sensations. Take your time. Notice the space around. Are they you the one who is doomed? Yes, a little.

 How do you know? Is it a feeling? Images? Words? A dark image with me sitting here in it. The whole world is dark, with me sitting here in it.

Look at that image. Put a frame around it. Notice the space the picture is happening within. Notice the space between you and the picture.Circle your eyes around it a few times one direction then the other direction.  Is this picture the one who is doomed? Yes, a little. I feel it in my chest, throat and face.

Feel the sensations. Are they the one who is doomed? No.

Rest with what’s here. Is it already noticed or not? Is it already allowed or not?  

Look at the image of you before incarnation. Is that you the one who is doomed? 

[And so on, following the trail of crumbs, going back to check if there is still a charge on what came up earlier etc.]

Can I know for certain that this feeling means….?

I have had a feeling thought calls “doom” over the last couple of days.

So I feel it as sensations. Notice images and words connected with it. Notice they are images and words.

And ask myself: Can I know for certain it’s doom? Can I know for certain that this feeling means I am doomed?

Finding and unfinding

Through finding what’s here, I unfind what appeared to be here.

There is a sense of doom. I look for the doom. How is it created, in my immediate experience? I look at the images, the words, the sensations. I recognize the images as images. Words as words. Sensations as sensations. I find “doom” as a set of words, images and sensations. And through that finding, I unfind “doom” as what it initially appeared to be. It used to seem so solid, so real, so substantial, so unquestionable. Now, it seems ephemeral, made up of words, images and sensations. Through finding it, as it’s created in my immediate experience, it’s unfound.

Notes about the Dark Night

Some notes about the dark night:

If it appears dark, it’s because of beliefs about what’s happening. In my case, the dark night happened after about 10 years in an “illumination” phase. It took the form of reversals in almost all areas of life. And it triggered latent beliefs in me so I could see them and investigate their dynamics and what’s more aligned with clarity and love.

As long as thoughts such as “something went wrong” are held as true, the dark night will appear dark and as a dark night. It’s more true that the dark night is just a label, a thought, and cannot be found anywhere. And it’s also true that it can be called a brilliant day, an invitation to align more of me with clarity and love.

To take a concrete example: I often have an apparently unpleasant experience in my body. It feels heavy, yukky and unpleasant. When I look, I see I have images of this experience in my body. And I also see some beliefs. It’s wrong. It means I am doomed. It means something terrible happened. It means something terrible will happen. Through The Work, some of these are seen through. And through the Living Inquiries, the “velcro” between the words, images and sensations is loosened. And as the images and words associated with it fall away, it’s easier to sit in the sensations, to feel them and allow them their life. I am still not where I consistently am able to meet what’s here as a friend (and I obviously don’t need to since it’s not what’s happening), but it’s an interesting process.

For me, one of the lessons of the dark night is to question any beliefs I have about what’s here, including any life circumstances and what’s going on with my body and mind. Another is to recognize all as what is (what a thought may call awareness, Spirit, God, Buddha Mind), and that it’s all OK. It’s all (what a thought may call) God’s will. It’s all (what a thought may call) love. Any identification is innocence, is well intentioned, and although it is allowed and welcomed by reality, it is also – in another way – out of alignment with clarity and love.

Stories about body sensations

I keep seeing some of my stories about body sensations.

Here are some:

I need to feel a certain way (energy, clarity, zest) to get something done.

I need this feeling to go away. I need it to change. This feeling is wrong.  

This feeling means I am doomed. It means something terrible happened / will happen. 

Some things to look for with the Living Inquiries:

Tension. Discomfort. Unease. Sensations. Physical pain. The one who has tension. The one who has discomfort. The one who wants it to go away. The one who wants a different feeling. The one who has physical pain. Boomerang situation: Feeling discomfort in my body, and getting caught in resisting it, wanting it to go away.