Tag: energy

What happens when I have less energy?

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I have Chronic Fatigue (CFS) so I have become quite familiar with how my system functions when it has less energy.

Here are a few things I notice:

LESS ENERGY FOR ACTIVITIES

Predictably, I have less energy to do things. I need to rest more. I need to rest before, during, and after most activities.

I also find that some activities many see as restful take more energy than many seem to suspect. This includes conversations, sitting, watching movies, and listening to words or music. For me, it’s very noticeable how much energy these activities require, and I often cannot do it for very long.

This also happens with physiological stress, for instance when the weather is very hot or cold. I notice how this too takes a lot of energy, and there is less left for anything else.

LESS ENERGY TO REGULATE MIND AND BODY

In general, it seems that my system needs energy to regulate itself well. When my energy level goes down, my system struggles with regulating mind and body. Said another way, it prioritizes survival and energy saving. It goes into low-power mode.

My thoughts don’t work as well. I have trouble thinking, planning, remembering, and making (good) decisions. The executive functions suffer, probably because they – for my system – become less of a priority in these situations. Water, food, and rest are primary. Thinking is less important.

My mind tends to project the current state to the future. When I look at images of the future, I see myself with similar low energy. And joining in and fueling it fuels anxiety, worry, and concern.

I get more irritable. I get more sensitive to sounds and noise. If I need to eat, drink, or rest, I tend to get impatient with anything that’s in the way.

My cravings get stronger, especially for sugar. This is not so surprising since sugar gives a quick energy fix, and in an emergency, sugar does help a bit. (It’s obviously not a long-term solution.)

My vision gets blurry and I start seeing double. It dramatically worsens compared to when my energy level is better.

My body seems to have trouble regulating body temperature. I am often unusually hot, especially at night, and sometimes freezing cold – in a way that’s out of proportion with the ambient temperature.

It’s ironically more difficult to get good quality rest and sleep. The more exhausted my system is, the worse my rest and sleep tend to be. It’s difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep, and the sleep I get is not refreshing.

WHAT HELPS

So what’s the remedy?

The short-term remedy is water, food, rest, and staying well within my energy budget.

Doing what feels genuinely right for me helps my system not use too much energy. While going against my guidance drains my energy. Following an honest “yes” or “no” is essential for not crashing. (I sometimes do a quick check. I say to myself “I can do X, and I chose to do it” and notice how my body responds. I then say “I can do X, and I chose not to” and notice how my body responds. One will typically give a sense of relief and peace, and the other tension. And whether that’s the yes or no depends on the situation.)

Asking for help. I ask for help with practical things from family, friends, or paid help. (I trust people to say no if it doesn’t work for them.) And when necessary, I ask for Vortex Healing energizing since that is often quick and effective.

I help myself get out of fueling stressful stories. I recognize unhelpful mental patterns and decide to set it aside. I focus on the physical sensations. I examine the stories and see where they come from. (Learned from family and society, fueled by a sense of lack in myself.) And sometimes, I just find an enjoyable distraction for a while to help me shift out of old patterns.

Some herbal remedies nurture and support the deeper energy levels in my body, especially some adaptogens. Bone broth seems to fill up deep energy reserves in my body. Eating low on the food chain and fresh and seasonal food helps my system in general, as does avoiding or minimizing certain foods. (For me, anything processed, dairy, wheat, and sugar. Although I do eat some of this sometimes, and sometimes it even gives me a boost.)

Breema nourishes, balances, and energizes. I find a sense of wholeness and my relationship to life shifts. This happens whether I do Self-Breema, or receive or give Breema bodywork.

Vortex Healing also balances and energizes, although in a different way. Vortex Healing energization tends to help a lot, although it needs to happen frequently since it seems that my system is unable to hold energy for very long. I find it’s also important to bring up the constitutional energy of my energy channels and organs, especially the kidneys.

And it’s always helpful to examine anything in my psychology that’s an energy drain. I especially pay attention to what issues seem to give me a feeling of weakness, hopelessness, or energy drain when triggered and explore those. In general, the more I can genuinely befriend what’s here, the easier it is. That tends to happen when I examine and get to know the parts of me struggling with what’s here. And also when I examine any stressful stories my system holds as true and find what’s genuinely more true for me.

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My story with seeing energies (aura)

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I have a few of these posts where I talk about more esoteric topics that are less directly related to healing or awakening. 

I don’t remember the exact timeline anymore. When I was 15, something happened for almost exactly a year where I experienced the world as far away. Looking back, I see that the sense of “I” was pulled into or as the observer and separate from what was observed. I didn’t understand what was happening and went to doctors who also could not figure it out. About a year later, there was a more full blown revelation of reality to itself. Everything was revealed as the divine and experienced by the divine. 

Somewhere in that period – I think it was the summer when I was 15 – I sat outside reading a book. I remember looking up at the trees and noticing a brightening outside of the edge of the leaves against the clear blue sky. I didn’t think much about it and assumed it was an optical illusion. 

Later, I kept seeing this light around plants. And people and animals. And also around inanimate objects. I would have assumed it was an optical illusion if there wasn’t for one thing: The light area around objects was different for different types of objects. It was quite simple and not so alive around inanimate objects. It extended further out and was more alive around plants. It extended further out and was more alive and had layers around animals. And it extended even further out and was more alive and more layered around humans. 

It was, and is, easier to see it against a plain and light background, but it’s not essential. It can be seen independent of background and lighting. 

From noticing the difference in the field around inanimate objects, plants, animals, and humans, I realized that the field reflects the degree of consciousness, self-awareness, and awakeness of whatever or whomever it’s around. 

Over the next few years, I met two women who themselves were relatively awake and saw auras. They both helped me feel more comfortable with it, and less crazy…! One was Hanne Bertelsen (she since changed last name), and she also helped me notice the cells in the aura. When I focus more directly on the aura, I see that it has cells. The other was my friend BH whom I met in a Tai Chi class. I remember sitting with her at the train station, looking at people’s auras, and comparing notes. We saw the same. 

Early on, I realized that people who see energies tend to see different aspects of it. We may tune in to something slightly different. And it can also change over time. (I only once has seen colors clearly, and it was in a Tai Chi class.) 

For me, it’s easiest to see how awake the energy field is, how awake it is to itself, and how far it extends. For most humans, there is some self-awareness reflected in the field although much of it can be relatively dense and not awake. In an early awakening phase, after some big openings, the energy field is more awake and can be very bright. Later, as the awakening clarifies and matures, the field becomes more subtle, awake throughout, and it extends out indefinetely. 

This can be helpful when meeting a spiritual teacher. I get a sense of how awake they are (yes, I know, it’s not a “they” to be awake), how mature the awakening is, and sometimes what type of practices they have used. (For instance, meditation tends to bring the level of awakeness up through the energy field. And more body-oriented practices tend to brighten the layer closest to the body.)  

It can also be interesting to see the effects of certain things on the energy field. For instance, during Vortex Healing classes, the energy level in and around people and in the room as a whole is off the chart. And as I keep doing Vortex courses, I notice a very clear difference in my own energy field – it’s more subtle, brighter, and more awake. 

One of my favorite things about seeing auras is that it’s an immediate reminder that all is divine, and all is the divine. Inanimate objects, plants, animals and humans are not only divine, but are the divine. 

This is also one of the things I rarely mention and only a few know this about me. (The ones who do are mostly people who see energies themselves.) Why don’t I mention it very often? Because it’s usually not relevant. It’s not necessary. In mainstream society it’s seen as weird (at best!). And if people know about it they may see people who see auras as special and that too is unnecessary.  

Why do I mention it here? For the sake of completeness and filling out the picture, to normalize it a bit, and it can be helpful for others who just noticed they can see it. 

And can everyone see auras? I suspect it’s something most of us or all of us can to some extent, especially if noticed and trained. I am not sure. 

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The energy bound up in identifications, beliefs, wounds, and trauma

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We bind a great deal of energy up in our identifications, beliefs, wounds, and trauma.

First, what do I mean by identifications? An identification is when the mind takes itself to be a certain viewpoint created by a story. It takes itself to be that viewpoint. It becomes that viewpoint, in its own experience. That’s how a belief is created, including stressful beliefs. (And all beliefs are stressful or become stressful eventually.) And this is also an important component of how emotional wounds and traumas are created and maintained.

And why do they require energy? Our body-mind needs to use energy to create and hold these in place. It needs to consistently fuel and recreate the identifications. It needs to create and hold onto stories creating identifications. And it needs to create physical tension to associate with these stories to make them appear more real, solid, and true. Both require consistent use of mental and physical energy.

What are some of the effects of this bound up energy? The identifications in themselves can create fatigue, depression, anxiety, compulsions, and more. On top of that, these tend to be stronger and more visible when our general energy level is lower because some of our energy is bound up in this way. Over time, having energy bound up may also contribute to the characteristics we sometimes associate with aging (fatigue, lethargy, stiffness, chronic illness).

When do we notice this energy-binding dynamic? Sometimes, we have glimpses of how much energy is bound in identifications. It may be in a smaller way when a specific belief or wound is released. Or it may be when we are released out of identifications as a whole – whether temporarily (spiritual openings or glimpses) or more stably (more stable awakening).

And how have I noticed it? I have noticed it in a few different ways. Most clearly during spiritual openings  when the mind trancends many of the identifications and hangups. In healing and inquiry sessions. And also when I have combined a daily meditation and yoga practice, or have done Breema regularly, and I find the bodymind wholeness that’s whole and healthy in spite of identifications, wounds, and physical ailments.

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Bonnie Greenwell: Awakening Energy & Consciousness

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Spiritual awakening involves shifts in both energy and consciousness. If you think about this you can see that is the essence of our existence. We are a molecular structure moving and acting through the flow of energy, and aware because of consciousness. Our brains function like receiving stations and organizing systems where we receive and store information that determine our thoughts and behaviors. So the energy in our bodies makes adjustments to release old wiring and patterns whenever a major shift in consciousness takes place, and spiritual awakening is a major shift in the recognition of who and what we are.

– Bonnie Grenwell, from Awakening Energy & Consciousness on the Awakened Living blog

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Energy drawing

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IMG_3727

Another energy drawing. As I have mentioned before, I don’t take these as “literal” depictions of my energy system (it’s also not possible to directly translate these things into the physical) but more as projections. This one feels quite open and energetic, while also more grounded. It feels like what’s behind the confusion that sometimes is on the surface of the mind these days.

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Side effects

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I usually don’t talk about the bells and whistles that may go along with a process of Spirit noticing itself through a human life. And I also notice it doesn’t feel right to always leave it out, especially since someone may go through those things, happen upon this blog, and benefit from knowing it’s not uncommon at all.

So I’ll say a few things about my experiences here.

Initial opening/awakening phase. During this phase, several things happened. First, for about a year, there was a sense of being absorbed into the witness. The center of gravity shifted into the witness and (seemingly) away from what was witnessed, the content of awareness. This was quite disturbing in a sense, since I had no idea what was going on. I was a die-hard atheist at the time with no interest in Spirituality or God. I even went to the doctor to have tests to see if we could figure out what was going on. (I was 15 at the time.)

Then, there was a shift into Spirit recognizing itself as everything there is, with no exception. Some time into this, I remember sitting in the garden reading a book, looking up at the sky and the trees, and noticing a shine around the leaves on the tree above me. For a while, I thought it was some sort of optical illusion, until I – reluctantly (!) – realized it must be the energy field or aura of the tree. I then saw it in and around everything – inanimate objects (a simple aura at the global level), plants (an aura reflecting the aliveness of the plants), animals (more alive/complex aura) and humans (again more complex). Seeing this energy field in and around everything was yet another reminded that all is Spirit, all is God, all is awareness/awakeness. Along with this came what I later heard was called medical intuition, and the possibility of inviting in healing (getting a sense of what was going on, where it wanted to move to find healing, and inviting in changes at the “blueprint” level of the organism or being.)

Seeing auras has been helpful in seeing where spiritual teachers are at, how and in what way Spirit is awake to itself there. And I haven’t done much with the medical intuition/healing bit, mostly because I rarely talked about it so few asked for it, and also because it was clear that the cause/origin of illness or discomfort is at the level of how we relate to thought, so my interest instead went to different forms of meditation and inquiry.

During this phase, there were also a constant stream of synchronicities, often so others notice as well, and again as another reminder that all is Spirit. It’s a seamless whole, and movements within this whole appears as synchronicities. This too continues.

Diksha. I’ll mention another episode here that may be of interest. Some years back, I explored diksha. My memory of this is a bit fuzzy, so I’ll just mention a few things here. As I stood up after the initial session, there was a sense of something trickling from my head down the body, and of the body becoming translucent. This was followed by some days of a splitting and intense headache. A few days later, I walked in a forest (I was on a sustainability retreat) at night in the pitch dark, seeing the vegetation lit up and the path dark so it was easy to find my way (seeing all as energy was amplified). My companion could see anything and was surprised I could find my way.

A few days later, I was on my bed listening to the radio (Car Talk!) and my body started moving, twisting and shaking. The mechanism that connects intention and movement seemed disconnected, so there was just an observing of what was happening. This went on for 20 minutes or so. Again a few days later, “I” woke up in the middle of the night during a thunder storm, and there was just awareness and what was happening, with no awareness of anybody that this experience belonged to. After a few minutes, there was awareness of a body in the bed, and slowly and gradually, a thought that this awareness somehow was connected to this body, and then gradually a remembering that this was a human and more specific information.

During this time, attention became very stable during meditation. For instance, I would have on music to explore how thoughts tie together images of past, future and present, and it all fell apart. There was just sound, and not even that label, and nothing to tie images/memories of past, present and future sound into what could be called “music”. When I tried the indestructible crash helmet headless experiment, any sense of “I” fell away – apart from as an image not identified with anymore – and this lasted for about six months. My daily life went on as before, just without any possibility of identifying as an I. And this was followed by health problems and a quite dark dark night, showing me what was left at the human level.

Notes. These types of things seem quite ordinary and common in such a process. For some, it happens to a great extent. For others, almost not at all. And for most, it happens  during certain phases and less at other times. I suspect it’s just part of the mechanics of the process. Some of it – auras, synchronicities – is a reminder that all is Spirit. And some of it shows me what’s left. It brings up thoughts and beliefs, I get to see them, and can take them to inquiry. I may think it’s special, or that “I” am special, or it means something special. I may think that others will see me as weird, that it’s better to not say anything about it. I may think it means something is going right, or that something is wrong. And I am invited to question those thoughts, and find what’s more true for me.

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Aura

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A friend of mine recently asked about seeing auras, and I mentioned a few things about it.

There is a lot that can be said about it, as with any topic. And although it’s part of my everyday life, I usually don’t mention it in conversations or here. It’s more in the background, part of everyday experience. So to go contrary to my tendency, I can share a few things I notice.

For me, it’s mainly a reminded that all beings and things are Spirit. Form is Spirit. If the tip of the iceberg is the individual variations in the energy field, the main part of the iceberg is this reminder that everyone and everything already is Spirit.

It seems that different facets of the energy field is apparent to different people, and it may change over time. For me, it’s how aware the field is of itself that’s most obvious. It may be awake to itself throughout from the body and out through infinity, and I have noticed this with some folks like Adyashanti and Byron Katie. It may be relatively unawake to itself, almost asleep or dreaming (most folks). Or somewhere in between (most folks on a spiritual path). Again, this facet of the individual aura belongs to the tip of the iceberg, while the main part is shared and a reminder that everyone and everything is Spirit.

Both beings – animals, humans, plants – and inanimate objects have auras. All, without exception, are Spirit. It’s all awareness, whether it’s awake to itself or not. And it all appears as a form of light. I know this may sound a bit new agey, and it’s also the best way I can describe an immediate experience, how it appears in immediacy. Matter is Spirit is awareness is (a form of) light.

All auras stretch out infinitely, whether it’s awake to itself or not. This is perhaps not surprising since it’s all Spirit. It’s quite dense close to the body, especially for people who do body-centered activities such as yoga or tai chi, and some forms of sensation-oriented meditation. Then, there is a layer reflecting more emotional and mental activity. And beyond that is what’s often called spirit, what awakens to itself when we find ourselves as that which all happens within and as (awareness, capacity). (For me, it’s all Spirit.)

I notice – from myself and others – that during the initial awakening phase, illumination, the aura is often quite bright and luminous. For me, the energy field and my body was golden light during this phase. There may also be an inflow from above through the top of the head. And there is a sense that the energy field has more substance. I assume this helps the human self reorganize. And it reflects an early honeymoon phase. As this matures, sometimes following a dark night, this light becomes more clear, almost as clear air or water.

What’s the purpose of seeing auras for me? As I mentioned, it’s mainly an immediate and direct reminder that all is Spirit. I sometimes use it to check a teacher, to get a sense of where he or she is at. And I sometimes do the same for myself, to get a sense of what’s going on for me. (Using it this way, there is usually no surprise.) It can also be fun to notice the effects of different practices as reflected in changes in the aura. It may get brighter, or more awake to itself, or stabilize or reorganize itself a bit. In my late teens, the biggest surprise for me was seeing the effect of the Heart Prayer on the aura. After even just a brief period of heart prayer, looking at myself in the mirror, I saw a bright “flame” on the top of my head, similar to what’s depicted in some paintings of the disciples after the Holy Spirit descended. It’s perhaps not so surprising since it goes along with a noticeable activity/sensations on the top of the head, and also in the heart area.

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Open to energies of others

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I had a phase where I felt especially open to the energies of others. I could pick up their discomfort, inner struggle, war with themselves. It seems that this is quite common early on in an awakening or opening process. I still occasionally notice this in my life, and I also know it’s just a story.

What’s really going on here?

As with anything else in the world – people, fairy tales, dreams, aliens, God, the universe, reality – these people are perfect mirrors for me.

I may have beliefs about them:

They are crude, unconscious, unaware.

They have inner conflict, they are at war with themselves.

They are disturbing me. They are disturbing my peace. It’s my peace. It’s a problem for me. It hinders my life. I am a victim of their confusion.

And I can inquire into these stories to find what’s more true for me. (I may find that the discomfort I experience is from my beliefs about them and the situation, and the resistance these beliefs create, and not from them or the situation.)

These people also mirror perfectly what’s here.

(a) The images and stories I have about them are my images of stories. They are right here. They are created by me.

(b) These people mirror my own discomfort, tension and unease, my own struggle and war with myself. They mirror my own tension and struggle as I go into my beliefs about them, and my own tension and struggle in other situations in life.

(c) It’s all happening within my world of awareness, within and as awareness itself – as any sensation, sight, taste, smell, sound and any image and story. Even the story of a person out there and a me here happens within and as awareness. There is an image of a person out there, a me here, struggle in the other person, an impact on me, an I observing it all, and identification or not with these stories, and this all happens within this world of awareness.

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It takes effort to believe

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It takes effort to believe.

When I believe a story, I must actively maintain this belief, even if I am not completely aware of it. I remind myself about the belief, fuel it, defend it, prop it up.

I must actively resist the truth in stories that don’t fit the belief,  and that I really don’t know. I deny the truth in stories that appear incompatible. I don’t notice or acknowledge that I really don’t know.

Whenever my inner guidance is at odds with my beliefs, I must actively resist it. I resist acknowledging or acting on my inner guidance, and this tends to create a great deal of inner turmoil which I also may resist.

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Thought and energy

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Thoughts can give me a sense of drained energy, or they can be energizing. And this seems to depend on their content, and more importantly, how I relate to them.

In general, when I take a story as true, it will drain my energy. And when I recognize it as just a thought, it will be neutral or even slightly energize.

Why is there an experience of drained energy? I imagine it comes from the image of an “I” or “me” struggling with the wider world, in different ways. Just taking that image as real and true will give an experience of energy drain, tiredness, and at times even exhaustion.

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The energy of others

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It is quite common to hear people say they are sensitive to the energy of others. It may be especially noticeable – and sometimes uncomfortable – in close quarters with others over time, and if the others have relatively strong internal conflicts going on. I notice it mostly on the train or bus, and I know many others notice it – among other times – when giving bodywork.

There are lots of ways to work with this. Visualize a cocoon around oneself. Working on grounding. Visualize roots down the earth. Visualize clarity. Pray for the other and yourself. Visualize healing for both of you. And so on. All of these may work fine to some extent and for a while, but they won’t work completely or always because they are just alleviating the symptoms.

When I explore this for myself, I find that the discomfort I experience has one source, and that is my own beliefs about what is going on. Here too, I find that the discomfort I experience comes from friction between my stories of what should be and what is.

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Healing

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When I was 17 or so, I remember sitting outside one summer day reading a book, looking up at the leaves against the light blue sky, and noticing a light band around the leaves. I took it to be an optical illusion. In the following days and weeks, I notice a similar light band around animals, inanimate objects and also humans. And it was slightly different in each case. Around plants, a vitality and also quite uniform. Around animals, a little more alive and varied further out. Around inanimate object, very simple and clear. Around humans, even more varied further out.

This difference around different types of objects suggested that it was something more than an optical illusion, and I soon realized that what I was seeing was more of a property of the object I saw it around. One or two years later I met someone who was much more familiar with this and helped me be more comfortable with it, partly through looking at the field around people and recognizing that we saw the same thing, or at least something so similar that the differences were not noticeable in language.

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Emotions and energy

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A few things I notice about emotions and energy….

There is a great deal of energy in emotions, including the ones that initially may appear less energetic. 

When emotions are made into “other”, the energy in them appears as “other” as well. And this otherness can take a few different forms. 

I try to push away an emotion, and it may appear to push back. I push, it doesn’t go away, so it appears to push back and intrude when I least want it.

I may habitually push away a particular emotion and exclude it from my conscious identity, so its energy is habitually locked away as well. (This may lead to an experience of fatigue.) 

I try to hold onto an emotion, and its energy is used in a slightly manic or compulsive way. 

Or I may allow the emotion as is, in a heartfelt way and with kindness, and find that its energy is available in a more relaxed way. 

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Flavors

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I enjoy noticing the different flavor of auras, especially since they tend to mirror experience.

For instance, when what we are is awake to itself, the aura is uniform throughout (no center-periphery difference), the aura is infinite (as it is for all of us), and all areas of the field are awake to itself. And this mirrors the experience of center dropping out, infinity, and awakeness awakening to itself throughout the field.

When what we are is not awake to itself, there is a clear center-periphery difference in the field, and many areas – including and especially those more in the periphery – are as asleep, dormant, not awake to itself.

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Energy drawings

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I got the inspiration to make some energy doodles last week. As usual, I don’t assume they reflect anything you would actually find in the energy system. (Although it could happen). Mostly, I take them as projections telling me something about where I am right now. (Even if they did reflect something actually going on energetically, they would still be important and useful as projections.)

What I mostly see in these is an emphasis on the luminous dark below the body. A velvety luminous blackness, seen through and in everything, centered in the body in the belly, inviting in a healing at the emotional level and a felt sense of all as God.

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Auras and sense of center

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For those who can see auras, this can be a valuable check. Otherwise, it doesn’t really matter. (And can easily be a distraction, if it is seen as something special and/or desirable.)

Our energy system perfectly mirrors consciousness. They are really just two aspects of the same, which is why an wakening can be initiated from either side, and the other side follows.

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Flow & Capacity

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“The single thing that comes close to a magic bullet, in terms of its strong and universal benefits, is exercise.”

“The data show that regular moderate exercise increases your ability to battle the effects of disease,” Dr. Moffat said in an interview. “It has a positive effect on both physical and mental well-being. The goal is to do as much physical activity as your body lets you do, and rest when you need to rest.”

The New York Times has a great little article on the universal benefits of exercise: You Name It, and Exercise Helps It.

When I look at the effects of exercise, I see that the benefits seem to come through flow and capacity. Exercise get things moving and builds capacity.

And that is true for exercise at any level.

At the thought/mental field level, inquiry into beliefs gets things unstuck. It also builds capacity for inquiry, and for seeing a story as only a story.

At the emotional level, being with and allowing experience allows the content of experience to flow and move on. And it builds capacity for being with and allowing experience.

At the energetic level, exercise – such as different forms of yoga – again invites flow and capacity. The energies get moving, and it builds capacity for working with and holding energies.

At the body level, aerobic and non-aerobic exercise obviously gets things moving and unstuck, at all levels, and also builds capacity.

And the same is also true for relationships. Working consciously with relationships invites them to flow and unstick, and it builds capacity for working with relationships and allowing them to flow.

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Energy hole and hara

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I have mentioned this before, but I noticed again today.

I used to have a moderate scoliosis in the lower back, with the most noticeable misalignment right at the level of the navel. And that is exactly where I have noticed an energetic hole since the initial awakening. Along with this, there was a sense of a generally weak hara, and also a neurotic pattern of irritability over certain sounds. (People eating loudly, rustling loudly with the newspaper, talking loudly in public, etc.)

Since I started doing Breema, my hara has been filling up more, and has a much higher baseline level. After a while, there was a sense of the energetic hole filling up, and the scoliosis is much weaker. (I have also received massage for the scoliosis). And  following that, I have noticed that the neurotic pattern has lessened quite significantly and is often absent in situations where it used to arise.

My sense is that the Breema helped the hara fill up, with a nurturing fullness and trust, which in turn invited the neurotic pattern to shift, helped along with The Work inquiries on people making sounds. And the massage invited the spine to realign, probably helped along with the energetic shifts in that same area.

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Sense of center

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I don’t write much about “paranormal” stuff, mainly because it is not very important, and because it can easily become entertainment and a distraction from what is more essential.

But I also realized that I have beliefs, identities and habitual patterns around not talking about it, so it may be useful to try something different in small doses, just to get it out of the way.

So here is one small dosage…

When we believe in stories, there is automatically a sense of I and Other, and a sense of a center, usually located in our human self, or sometimes in a sense of an “observer” or “witness” not so directly related to this human self.

And when Ground awakens to itself, it realizes that there is no I with an Other anywhere, and there is no longer any sense of a center.

This is actually reflected in the aura in a very direct way, and it is something that can have practical use too.

When there is a sense of a separate I, the aura tends to be more condensed, especially closer to the body, and there is a sense of everything converging on the human self. This is also the case when there is a soul level awakening, an awakening to the alive presence and all as God, yet with a subtle (or not so subtle) sense of a separate I remaining.

The aura is different in the two cases, with more confusion and less awakeness in the energies in the first case, and more order, flow, awakeness and receptivity outwards in the second, but the sense of a center is there in both cases along with it tapering off further away from the body.

This all changes when there is a Ground awakening. Here, there is no longer any sense of a center. The aura is clear, incredibly finely grained, awake, and uniform throughout space with no sense of it ending anywhere. (Although the portion of the aura immediately around the body may be stronger/brighter if they do body-centered practices.)

I sometimes use it just for practical purposes, for instance to see where a teacher is. At the soul level? Ground awakening? Somewhere in between?

Of the ones I have met in person who have a very clear Ground awakening, are Adyashanti, Byron Katie, Joel at CSS, and a few others.

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Stangeland’s Tea

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I my teens, I discovered a tea which had a profound effect on me, nourishing me deeply throughout the body and energetically. It is made by Stangeland who worked with energy medicine, and put together different teas to nurture us in the ways our modern foods and life often does not. I have used it occasionally since then, most recently right now, and am still amazed by how deeply nurturing I experience it. Especially when I feel depleted for one reason or another.

The tea can be ordered through their website, which is only in Norwegian. (But you can email.) The basic tea is called “basis te”, which I now use in combination with the chakra tea.

They recommend simmering for a couple of hours, store in the fridge, and drink half a cup two or three times a day. I cheat and make it as an infusion (which in my experience works as well, and is easier): Fill a jar with hot water and add the tea (a couple of large spoons), let it sit for a while, and store cold. I also refill once or twice with hot water to get more out of the herbs.

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Upsides and downsides of energetic and soul level buffering

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There are many ways to invite in a form of buffering at energetic or soul levels, being held energetically or within the alive presence in ways that helps us get less caught up in reactiveness.

We can fill up the hara through Breema and other practices. We can receive different forms of energy transmissions, such as the bands of power munai-ki rite, that serves as a buffer, filter and protection. (I am noticing the effects of that one right now, which is what prompted this post.) We can invite in the soul level, the alive presence, through prayer and other practices. And more.

The benefits are pretty obvious. Our lives at a human level typically becomes far easier. Fewer things bug us. There is a sense of not being touched by what we previously got caught up in. It makes it much easier to be who we take ourselves to be if we are identified with stories, and it makes it easier for this human self even if we are not. We get a sense of how it is to live released from being in the grips of stories and identifications. We see that something else is possible.

Our human self may also reorganize and stabilize within this new context, releasing identification more and more over time. It may even lead into what we are noticing itself, finding itself as awakeness, and this field of awakeness and form inherently and always free from an I and an Other.

But there are also some possible drawbacks. We can get complacent, happy with being protected by the buffer, not taking up the invitation to explore more in depth the hooks and rings of identification and beliefs in stories. And that is exactly why any buffer is only temporary. It is within the realm of form, it is content of awareness, and as any form and any content, it will change. When it fills, it only does so to empty. And when it empties, it does so only so it can in turn fill.

It is cyclical, as anything else, and throughout it all is the invitation for us to investigate the hooks and rings more closely. An invitation for what we are to notice itself.

Any buffer is a buffer or protection for who we are, for this human self. And the invitation for what we are to awaken to itself is there independent of buffers or not.

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Energy drawing

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A drawing from earlier today, which may or may not say anything about what is going on energetically, but at least reflects what is going on otherwise – as does anything we express, intentionally or unintentionally through movement, voice, music, drawing, or anything else.

In the interest of accuracy, I should mention that the strong/dark roots going down vertically were made mostly out of old habit, of a memory of how I used to make these drawings, and the rest were more immediate and reflecting what is alive here now. So in my mind’s eye, those vortex roots going down are either much reduced in dominance or not there.

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Energy/consciousness & self/other grid

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In talking with someone local who has done Buddhist meditation for a couple of decades, and is also a diksha giver, I was reminded of the energy/consciousness and self/other grid, and also how much I appreciate being free to move among and include each of the quadrants.

In the awakening process, we can work from the energy side or consciousness side, each supporting and in mutual influence with the other. And we can also do our own work, or have it done for us (shocking, for many in a Buddhist world view.)

Diksha, and any other form of shaktipat, is an example of work on the energy side influencing the consciousness side, and also an example of the “other” quadrant. It is something that is given to us from outside of this human self, without much or any effort on our own part.

Regular meditation and inquiry is an example of self-initiated work on the consciousness side, which inevitably influences the energy side.

Different forms of yoga is an example of self-initiated work on the energy side.

And in terms of other-initiated work on the consciousness side, I am not sure. Maybe different forms of pointing-out instructions, such as the Big Mind process, could fall into this quadrant, although these are more of a other-self partnership.

We can of course also include other levels here, such as the physical. Self-initiated work here include exercise and yoga, and other-initiated work includes massage and other forms of bodywork.

The benefit of limiting oneself to one quadrant or side of the grid is that we get to explore that one in depth. We get intimately familiar with that part of the terrain. The drawback may be slight one-sidedness, both in view and practice. We may end up discounting the other side of the grid. And we may end up being overly self-reliant, reinforcing a sense of a separate self and a “doer” that way. Or we may end up being overly other-reliant, not trusting what can be initiated from this – the human self – side.

So with all of this available to us, why limit ourselves to any one quadrant, or even any one side of the grid? In my experience, it all goes hand in hand, seamlessly, with activities in each quadrant shedding some light on the other quadrants. Each one contributing to exploring the terrain in slightly new ways.

As with any map, this grid is false and also potentially useful in a practical way.

Even if we focus on one quadrant, each of the other ones are included. I may focus on self-initiated meditation and inquiry, which in turn influences the energy, and also invites Ground as “other” to notice itself. I initiate prayer, and “other” comes in and shifts both energy and consciousness. I receive diksha, and lots of old patterns come up to be seen, and I actively stay with it and may even work with beliefs around it. Or I receive diksha, and go into samadhi, which helps me inquire into what is here now in more detail.

And without the boundaries created by this map, we see that it is all a seamless whole of awake void and form, only with appearances of I and Other, consciousness and energy. It is all the play of God, it is all Lila.

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Belly area spine, and energetic hole

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During fall and winter, I experienced a lot of (energetic) activity in the hara area, and specifically around the spine (L3-4)…

Since the initial awakening in my teens, I have been aware of an energetic hole that area. I also had scoliosis (side curve) right there, which since then has improved quite a bit with consistent work, shifting into a slight kyphosis (in-out curve).

With the endarkenment shift, there was a sense of a good deal of activity and work happening in that area. And now, the energetic hole is filled in and the area feels much stronger and more solid in general. The remaining alignment of the vertebrae has also improved (just a subtle in/out alignment left for a couple of vertebrae).

The area also seems connected with basic trust, in Existence, life, and ultimately God. The energetic hole seemed, even back in my teens, associate with a lack of basic trust (even in the midst of experiencing all as awake, empty luminosity, and as God). And now, with it filling up, there is a much deeper sense of basic trust… of being held… in and as the luminous blackness.

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Kundalini description

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I just came across this description of a kundalini awakening, which is an especially clear, honest and touching account. It doesn’t happen for everyone that way, and doesn’t have to it seems, but it is good to know about.

Kundalini awakening or bi-polar surfacing? by Kara-Leah Masina.

It has been a cautious path forward, seeking answers, observing myself. The peak of my experience was the psychosis, but after Kundalini Awakens, it still needs to integrate into your system. Over the last two years, I have continued to experience energy moving up my spine. I have had energy releases from my solar plexus. And perhaps most frightening of all, I have witnessed my body moving through mudras and asanas that I had no conscious knowledge of. […]

This sensation of energy moving up the spine started in 2000 for me, at the very base of my tailbone. I could observe it slowly rising when I was meditating, it would rise until I felt it hit a ‘block’, then the energy would spontaneously move my body around sometimes jerking it right off the ground, until I felt a ‘popping’ or releasing sensation. Then the process would begin again at my tailbone, only this time it would get a millimetre or two higher until it hit the next block. Over a four year period, this energy reached higher and higher up my spine, and the energy releases became more and more violent. Sometimes my eyes would roll back in my head as energy surged up my spine and jerked my head backwards. […]

My hope is that by speaking out about my experience, I might reach others who are under-going this process and have no idea what is happening to them. As yoga and meditation infiltrate Western society, especially if they are mixed with drugs like marijuana, LSD and mushrooms, more and more people are going to awaken Kundalini.

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Consciousness and energy

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I am reminded of a great article Ken Wilber wrote on consciousness and energy: Towards a comprehensive theory of subtle energies.

It is a while since I read it now, but what I got from it was a clearer sense of how consciousness and energy interacts and support each other at each level of our being, and in the awakening as well.

If we see ourselves as body (physical, chi), mind (emotions, thoughts), soul (alive presence, luminosity), and spirit (awake emptiness and form, Big Mind, Brahman, Tao), then we can find a pairing of consciousness and energy running through all these levels.

The diksha, and similar energy transfers in the shaktipat family such as Ilahinoor and what happens in Waking Down, is working at awakening from the energy side, functioning as a catalyst for changes on the energetic side, which in turn invites corresponding changes on the consciousness side.

These changes seem to happen at all levels. At our mind level, there is less being caught up in knots. At the soul level, there is an immediate experience and perception of the alive presence filtered in different ways, including the fertile darkness, luminous blackness, and as the alive and infinitely loving and intelligent presence in the heart area – the indwelling god. And at the Spirit level, there is the growing noticing of all as awake emptiness and form, absent of any separate self.

Changes at the energy side supports changes at the consciousness side, and the other way around.

This also reminds me of the slightly expanded integral practice grid, where we have our levels of being on one dimension, and self/other on the second. Some of the practices we do on our own, we put our own work into it, such as yoga, meditation, inquiry and physical exercise. And others are given to us from somebody else, such as massage, Breema, and the various forms of energy transfers mentioned above.

Together, there is our own work, and the gifts of others. Which there always is, of course, only more noticed this way.

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Blue spheres

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Luminous blue spheres are coming up again, this time in and around the knees and elbows…! There seems to be one on either side of each knee, and either side of each elbow. I know that the chakras are just about everywhere in and around the body, although only the seven main ones are usually described in the literature. These blue spheres may be some of the minor chakras.

Their qualities are of… a luminous blue, deep, soft, cool, infinitely quiet allowing any activity.

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Crystallizing

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This is something I have noticed since my teens, but not written down before. It is the sense of a transition between a slightly disorganized field and a crystallizing field.

It is especially tangible in sitting mediation, where the transition usually happens within the first few minutes, and it is also tangible in daily life, where the sense of crystallization is more or less present depending on how much sitting practice I do and other things going on. (During the couple of months last fall where any sense of I fell away, the emptiness itself took on a crystal quality.)

It shows up as a tangible sense of crystallization (or not), and also visually in the energy fields of myself and others. When there is no or less crystallization, there is also less awareness of the energy field and what it represents. As it is brought more into awareness, the crystallization also takes place.

So again, it appears to be more literal than it may be taken by many. There seems to be a literal reconfiguring of the subtle energies which is experienced, and seen, as a crystallization.

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The three centers and the chakras

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A question about the relationship between the three centers and the chakras came up for me after the phone session. I don’t know much about it yet, so all of this is from a very limited experience, and not aligned with anything I have heard or read so far.

The three centers and the chakras do not at all seem the same, but they are also obviously connected.

Three centers allowing the chakras to reorganize

It seems that the three centers allows the chakras to transform and reorganize, along with the human self in general. The belly center allows the three first chakras to reorganize within all as Spirit, within and allowing a deepening of a felt sense of all as Spirit. The heart center allows the heart chakra to reorganize to loving all as Spirit. The head center allows the 6th and 7th centers to reorganize. And my sense right now (which will probably change) is that all of the three centers together allows the throat center to reorganize.

The chakras setting the stage for soul center awakenings

It also seems that working with the appropriate chakras can set the stage for an awakening of the soul centers, inviting an awakening of the centers to take place. And, as mentioned above, that this awakening in turn allows the chakras to reorganize within this new context.

The relationship(s) between the hara and the belly center

For instance, Breema or other hara-oriented practices can reorganize the hara chakras (2nd, or 3rd, or as I experience it the three first) allowing a drop into endarkenment, which in turn continues the reorganization of the hara chakras within the new context of endarkenment, of a felt sense of all as Spirit, which in turn deepens and more fully embodies this felt sense of all as Spirit.

There must be many individuals out there who have explored this in far more depth, for instance in the different yogic traditions (maybe especially Taoist yoga) and it seems that Almaas too probably have some insights here (although I haven’t gotten that far in reading his books yet.)

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Spheres of blue light

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Since the dream last night, the small spheres of blue light seem very tangible, placed in each vertebrae close to the spinal cord. It is like a cool quiet awakening happening there, an awakening of the intelligence of the vertebrae as the guide in the dream told me. A quiet cool intelligence coming alive, at 24 (or so) different points along the spine. (And the quality of the brilliant cool blue intelligent light is really quite similar to the cool blue of the stars in the Pleiades.)

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Hara, energetic hole, scoliosis and endarkenment

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I can’t remember if I have mentioned it here, but I have noticed for some time the relationship between energetic holes, physical problems, psychological tendencies, and now also the three soul centers.

For me, the main one is in the hara.

Since the initial awakening in my teens, I have been aware of an energetic hole in my navel area, specifically located at and near my spine. At the same area, I had a noticeable physical deformity as well, an odd stacking of the vertebrae diagnosed as scoliosis.

At the time, I did a lot of Tai Chi and Chi Gong, both because I wanted more grounding and embodiment, and also to fill up this region.

A couple of years ago, I found Breema which also specifically works with the Hara region, and I have experienced a great deal of fullness, warmth and nurturing in the belly from Breema. Slowly over these couple of years, the energetic hole has filled up, and the spine has reorganized so there is only a slight stacking oddity now (helped along with massage in that area).

With the more recent belly awakening, the endarkenment, there is a sense of a deep luminous velvety blackness and also a new level of nurturing, and a new feeling of everything as Spirit.

This feeling of everything as Spirit, and the reorganizing of the emotional level within the context of all as Spirit, was exactly what was missing in the initial awakening. The head and heart centers were awakened, but not (yet) the belly one. So although I saw, and even loved, all as Spirit, I didn’t feel all as Spirit. The emotions lived their own life, and there was a good deal of turmoil there, partly as a consequence of the intensity of the awakening and its implications.

So there was an energetic hole in the hara region, a physical deformity in the spine at the level just below the navel, and a lack of grounding and emotional turmoil.

This energetic hole then gradually filled in, the physical deformity reduced greatly, and then there was a sudden shift into endarkenment, an early belly awakening into feeling all as Spirit, allowing the emotions to reorganize to all as Spirit, and a new sense of deep nurturing and being held by the velvety luminous blackness.

It is also interesting to note that Hameed Ali (A. H. Almaas) writes about these things in ways very close to my own experiences (although from far more experience and with more precision.)

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Christ meditation

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I did the Christ meditation last night, and noticed a new shift and a few familiar things as well.

In the Christ meditation, I visualize Christ in my heart, and in front and behind, on the left and right, and above and below, about 5-8 feet out. Christ can be visualized as a presence, a light, or even in the physical form of Jesus, depending of what resonates the most and gives the strongest sense of presence. For me, a combination of presence and golden light seems to work best.

Soft alive loving intelligent receptive luminosity

The difference this time was the quality of the light. This time, it had a soft rounded quality, as a soft luminous deep infinitely loving, intelligent and receptive luminosity, with an alive presence. It has the deep velvety quality of the fertile darkness, and the aliveness and love, intelligence and receptivity of the alive luminosity.

In my dream that morning, the fertile blackness took on the qualities of the alive luminosity, revealing itself as luminous blackness. And during this meditation, the luminosity took on the deep soft quiet qualities of the fertile darkness. They seem to be revealing themselves as just two facets of the same, in different ways, with one in the foreground, then the other.

Directions

I also noticed the experience of the directions again, as I often do.

The front seems to have to do with my conscious daily life and interactions.

The back with my individual shadows, maybe shared with people in my groups such as culture and nationality, and in general what I tend to be unaware of in my daily life.

The sides with community and relationships with humanity, animals, plants and the Earth.

Above with traditional yang spirituality, such as transcendence and ascension.

And below with deep feminine spirituality, and also deeper collective shadows.

Placing, or noticing, the Christ there allows the light of awareness into these realms, allowing them to reorganize within the light of consciousness.

Unique quality

I also notice the unique Christ quality. It involves the heart center, but so do anything else related to Big Heart, such as Avalokiteshwara (Chenrezig, Kanzeon, Quan Yin). It involves the head center as well, especially the crown. But it also has a very distinct quality, a fiery alive presence that I have not experienced with anything else.

Tongues of fire

I also took the opportunity to look at the tongue of fire in the mirror afterwards (I know this is weird! I am definitely pushing my comfort zone by writing about this.) It looks like a cylinder of very clear light attached to the crown, maybe about 1.5-2 inches wide and 5-6 inches tall. When I move my head around, it follows exactly, as if solidly attached to the crown.

So it doesn’t really look like a tongue of fire, but it is very understandable why it may be described – and depicted – that way. It is of clear brilliant light, attached to the top as a flame to a candle (!), and it also has the fiery quality of the Christ presence itself.

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Tongues of fire

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When we worked with the Hebrew letters on Sunday, sounding and visualizing them above the head and at the three soul centers, we used letters with tongues of fire above them.

It reminded me of one of the most surprising experiences in my life. In the years following my initial awakening, I did did the heart prayer and Christ meditations and visualizations along with a more Buddhist practice, and along with everything else happening, I noticed an unusually intense activity on the crown on my head. The awakening also allowed me to see energies, and as I happened to walk past a mirror following an especially alive Christ meditation, I saw a flame on top of my head.

It was hugely surprising to me as it seemed to reflect the descriptions in Acts, which I up until then had taken as purely metaphorical. Now, it seemed that it was far more than metaphorical. The tongues of fire is a literal description of what happens when we connect with the Christ consciousness and energy. There are literally tongues of fire, energetically, activated at the top of our heads, and visible in our energy systems.

I am also surprised by drawings and paintings such as the one above. It is just about exactly what I saw, and see whenever I immerse myself in Christ practices. Have these artists seen it for themselves? Do they intuit or sense it? Do they base it one representations made by others who have seen it? It is probably a combination, and different for each artist. But it is still surprising, and beautiful.

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Recent energy drawings

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From Sunday evening, after the diksha group and the additional activation of the three soul centers. I have experienced light below me quite strongly recently, since the endarkenment, initially as blobs of light (as in some of the previous drawings), and now as a very large field of light below me. I notice how the blobs above seem to merge and become larger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also from Sunday evening, with a little more color. It was made just before the other one, so it does not as accurately mirror what is going on as that one (but worth including because of the color).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

From December 6, with the blobs of light above and below, more or less symmetrically. The drawing also has a clear differentiation between above and below, as there has been since the endarkenment shift.

The lines below reflect the sense of dark, fertile fullness of the endarkenment, centered in the belly. And the rays above, centered in the heart area, reflect the luminosity of the enlightenment, centered in the head. (Both are in a process of unfolding. There is still a slight sense of I, and there is no sense that there is an end to the endarkenment process.)

 

 

 

A drawing from November 30, similar to the December 6 one. Here too, the blobs of light above and below, and the differentiation above and below. I think this is the most beautiful one, although it represents only one (brief) phase and the light below is now far more expansive and luminous.


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Shaktipat

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In my (superficial) explorations of different traditions, I discovered that the general category that diksha falls under is called shaktipat, a transfer of energy which facilitates awakening.

It is used systematically, by many teachers, in the Indian traditions, and probably more or less systematically, sometimes even accidentally, by some teachers in many other traditions.

Shakti means energy and pat means touch, and it seems to typically be done through touch, by laying on of hands or even hugging (Amma), but it can also be transfered through gazing or even at a distance – either through an intentional transfer from the giver, or through intention and prayer from the recipient’s side.

Shaktipat and energy healing

There are of course several parallels between this and the (in the west) more familiar faith/energy healing.

In both cases, the “giver” functions as a catalyst for the energy (channeling or awakening it), and the energy itself functions as a catalyst for either healing or awakening. The energy works on and in the energy field of the recipient, allowing the physical and/or consciousness aspects to reorganize. Where energy healing facilitates healing, shaktipat facilitates awakening.

Diksha

What does seem somewhat new in diksha is its predictability and universality. It seems that just about anyone can go through the three week process to become a diksha giver, and that the process unfolds in generally the same way for the recipients, up until awakening to realized selflessness.

From what I hear, and experience myself, it also seems that the different diksha givers transmit their own flavor of the diksha, emphasizing different aspects of the awakening process (for instance endarkenment.)

Other traditions

Muktananda and Adi Da are known for their use of shaktipat, and it is also an important element in Waking Down (not surprisingly, since Saniel Bonder was a student of Adi Da.)

Amma seem to transfer a heart-awakening shaktipat through hugs.

There is a possibility that some Christians do something similar through laying on of hands, although I am not sure about that.

The Tibetans probably have it in their repertoire as well, as they seem to have a very comprehensive and inclusive toolbox.

And, as mentioned, some teachers in any tradition probably use it, either accidentally or more intentionally. Sometimes even by just being in the same room as their students.

Studies etc.

Especially in the west, there is a natural and healthy skepticism about both shaktipat and energy healing, and the only way to get some more clarity around it is to put it to the test through scientific studies (double-blind, using physiologically and psychological measures of changes) and also by trying it out personally.

It is also interesting to look at the different factors involved. Some of the effect does seem to be through the energy transfer, allowing the energy aspect of the recipient to change which in turn invites the physical and/or consciousness aspects to shift. The other aspects certainly include the expectation and receptivity of the recipient, which in itself can allow for significant shifts.

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