Mood swings in a kundalini process

It seems that mood swings are quite common in a kundalini (awakening) process, and perhaps especially if it turns into a spiritual emergency.

During the initial awakening phase, I wouldn’t really call it mood swings, but it was a sense of shifting from bliss and expansion to pain and contraction, over and over, and it was quite dramatic at times. This happened mostly in my teens and early twenties.

Then, there were several years where everything seemed more stable.

And more recently, in the darker phase of the dark night of the soul, it’s been more of what I would call mood swings. Shifting from depth of terror and dread (a couple of years back) or contraction and pain, and a sense of ease and even joy.

Most of the time, the shifts happen within the same day, each one lasting one or a few hours.

Rereading this, I see that “mood” doesn’t quite cover it. It’s more a swing between a sense of ease, joy, bliss, expansion, and pain and contraction, and the specific flavor of each has changed over time.

Of course, one invitation here is to recognize that it’s all coming and going as content of awareness, and that awareness itself is always here. Another is to meet what’s coming up, including my reactions to it, in natural rest, and with kindness and even love. And yet another is to identify and questions any assumptions I have about what’s happening. It’s easy to say, and not always so easy to do. I still don’t do it consistently, and that’s part of finding a more genuine humility in all of it.

Coming full circle

I went to a session with Adyashanti at the Science and Nonduality Conference tonight, and he talked – among other things – about coming full circle.

First, we start out in the ordinary dream state, believing most of our thoughts without question, or even noticing what we are doing.

Then, there may be a shift out of this, a transcendent state where what we are – being, Spirit, awareness – recognizes itself. This can happen any time, and – as Adya pointed out – is free, it doesn’t cost anything. For me, it happened out of the blue a winter night when I was sixteen, walking along a gravel road under the stars. This is the honeymoon, and it often leaves a lot untouched and unresolved at our human level, although we may not notice it at first.

Following this, there is a return, the process comes full circle. There is a return to our human self, so this can be more fully included and aligned with all as Spirit. Our wounds surface to be resolved. The parts of us still aligned with a confused worldview surface to align more closely with reality. And this process, as Adya says, costs everything. It costs us all of our identification, all of our habitual ways of living in the world. This is how Spirit recognizing itself can life more fully through this human self. It’s a clearing out of our human self, a reorganization at all levels, a realignment in the different corners and hideaways left untouched during the initial transcendent phase.

In the words of Evelyn Underhill, the first transcendent phase may be called illumination, and the second may be experienced as a dark night of the soul.

And, as Adya also mentioned, it doesn’t have to happen this way. There are always exceptions. It’s what seems to happen for many – including me, which is why I write about it here! – and it’s impossible to say how it will unfold in any particular case.

Going to the clearest or most confused parts of me

There seems to be a natural cycle between relative clarity and relative confusion (wounds, beliefs).

One surfaces, then the other, and there is a mutuality between them. They inform each other.

Clarity informs confusion, there is an invitation for it to align with reality.

Confusion informs clarity, there is an invitation for it to become more clear.

And both may happen through some form of investigation and inquiry.

Confusion (wounds, beliefs) surface, and I can (a) open to the experience, feelings, allow them their life, and (b) identify and inquire into the beliefs behind it. In this way, clarity informs confusion. There is an invitation for it to align more with reality. And in the same process, clarity can become even more clear. It may learn something. Find clarity on different thoughts.  Discover something new. Confusion informs clarity.

I notice how these cycles happens at different levels of intensity and different time spans. Over minutes, hours or days, there are shifts between confusion and clarity. And over weeks, months and years, it’s the same. For years, there was relative clarity, and then relative confusion. (For me, this took the form of illumination and dark night.)

And, as mentioned above, when there is an opening to the experience of confusion, and inquiry into the beliefs behind it, then confusion and clarity coexists and inform each other.

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High and low

Life hunts high and low.

Life hunts high and low to weave together all of who (a human being) and what (Spirit) we are.

Life hunts high and low to remind itself it’s already that which allows and is all of it.

I go high – into an expanded state, cosmic consciousness, bliss, love, release. It offers me a new perspective, a release out of old identities.

I go low – into a contracted state, shadow material, beliefs. It offers healing and the possibility to see through identifications.

There is neutrality – what already allows and is it all notices itself. The ground recognizes itself.

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