Tag: healing

Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 51

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

Do you believe in hell?

I am watching a movie (A month in the country) where a young woman asked the main character this question.

If I was asked that, depending on the person and situation, I may say: I try to believe as little as possible. Or: I don’t know and cannot know. Or: It’s an idea created to control people.

Or I may say: I know, I don’t believe.

I know hell is created by my own mind. I experience and live in hell sometimes. Parts of me live in hell because they operate from unexamined and painful beliefs. Hell is right here. As is heaven, purgatory, and similar.

Apart from that, I don’t know and I don’t need to know.

I know that believing in this way serves an important function for some people. And I know that parts of me believe stressful thoughts and hold onto them as true. Also, at a conscious level, believing in this context doesn’t make sense to me. Why would I pretend something is true or not if I don’t know and cannot know? Why should I pretend I know whether second-hand info is accurate?

The photo is from the National Gallery in London from earlier this year.

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 50

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

APRIL 19

WINE, NOT LABELS

I like the wine and not the label.

– David Rose (Dan Levy) in Schitt’s Creek

This is a healthy and mature approach to people and relationships. It’s about the person, not the label.

In life in general, it’s about the person and not the label. We are all far more than and different from any label, and any of the labels others and we put on ourselves.

At the same time, with romantic relationships and sexuality, we are drawn to different things. In this case, he is pansexual, and that’s beautiful. When it’s embraced, it’s free and unbound by categories.

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Energy Healing for Animals: Accepting Clients for March and April 2026

moe

I have decided to accept animal clients for energy healing (Vortex Healing) for this March and April. (I may also be able to do a few session this February.)

If you have a cat, dog, or other animal you think may benefit from energy healing, feel free to contact me below.

I am opening this up since it may help these animals and their families, and it is a type of work that comes easily for me and is deeply rewarding. I love non-human beings, and find them easier to work with than humans. They don’t have so much of the mental layers and confusion that humans tend to have. This also means there is often a more immediate result.

In my teens, around the same time as the initial oneness shift, I discovered that I have natural sensing and healing abilities. These have been further developed through a number of Vortex Healing – divine energy healing – classes over the last ten years. 33 in total so far. I am currently at the Manifesting Intention level. I find that the inherent intelligence of this healing modality makes it unusually powerful.

The money will go to ourreforestation, ecological regeneration, and food forest project in the Andes mountains outside of the town of Barichara, Colombia. We have 15 hectares that we are protecting and regenerating. So far, we only have expenses and no income from this project, so any contributions are very much welcome.

We are paying for one specialist (Dani) and one worker (Andrés) to come two days a week, in addition to plants, compost, manure, and so on.

We hope, in some years, to have income from a native plant nursery, some food production, and possibly eco-tourism. This income will be used to support further regeneration.

See more information under the Finca Milagros tag here, and also on Facebook.

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A dialog with my birth family as whole

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I am sitting in an old outdoor wicker chair in the empty living room of my parents’ house. This is the house I grew up in, and I have spent a considerable amount of time here since, especially the last few years. Today is my last day here. The movers emptied the house this morning, and I am now sitting here with Simba, the neighbor cat, in one wicker chair, and me in another.

I found myself doing a dialog with my birth family as whole beings, and thought I would write down some of it here. I am using my old healing approach where I visualize them as healed, whole, mature, and awake, and dialoguing with me.

My mother. I love you so much. I wish you only the best in life. I am sorry for being distant, and for the dynamics with your father. I see now that the dynamics I created with him – talking and trying to control – was an attempt to distract myself from my own discomfort, from my own pain and wounds. You know I had a difficult relationship with my own father. I am sorry for how it impacted you. I am so sorry for the distress you experienced because of it. I am sorry we were unable to change the dynamics between us. I am happy and grateful to see that you are working on this in yourself, to find healing from it. I love you no matter how you are. Know that I love you. Know that I will always support you. Know that when I acted on my wounds, it was because I didn’t know better at the time.

My father. I love you, P. I know I have never said it, but I have lived it. I lived it in the best way I knew. I am also sorry for the dynamics between me and your mother. As you know, we were both an equal part of it. I allowed it. I didn’t have healthy boundaries, and neither did she. I too am sorry for how it impacted you. For the distress it caused you, and for how the wounds and your pain because of it has colored your life. It’s passed on through the generations. And I am deeply proud of you for going into it to find healing, and to use it to mature. I know it is and has been difficult, but you are doing it. I am with you. I fully support you. I am now able to tell you I love you.

My brother. I can say the same. I love you. I always have loved you. I am sorry for how the family dynamics got internalized in all of us, and colored our interactions. I am sorry for being distant, going into a rivalry, subtly putting you down, and creating difficult situations for you. I am sorry for how my own wounds have created difficult situations for you. And I, too, am proud of you for the work you are doing for finding healing and maturing through and with all of this.

Me. I love you too. Thank you for your words and your love. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for seeing me. I am sorry for how I acted because of my wounds and hurt. I am sorry for being distant at times. I wanted to create distance, geographically and psychologically, to try to protect me from the unhealthy dynamics in the family, and to try to find something different. I have always wanted – and needed – this kind of understanding, and to be seen in this way.

Update: I have returned to this exploration in the days since, including just resting in and as and receiving the love.

If you had known, you would have done it differently

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I am reading Stay True by Hua Hsu1, a memoir about the author’s university years and a friend who was killed.

In the section I am in now, he talks with a therapist. He feels guilty and partly responsible for his friend’s death. What if I had done something different that night? What if I had stayed at the party? What if I had dropped in on my way home?

It’s a normal response in our Western culture. Our minds like to beat itself up with what ifs and feeling responsible for things we are not responsible for.

If I was the therapist, there is one question I would have asked:

Why didn’t you save him?

The response, most likely, would have been:

I didn’t know what would happen. If I did, I would have done whatever I could to prevent it.

And that’s part of the answer. If he could have saved him, he would have done so. If he had known what was about to happen, he would have done things differently.

The reason we didn’t do it differently is that we didn’t know. We couldn’t have known. We were just living our lives as best we could.

NOTES

  1. I have read it since last summer! It’s a relatively short book, but because of my CFS and brain fog, I can only read a few paragraphs at a time, on a good day and at a good moment.

We are multitudes

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My mother died yesterday, after a long illness, and it has amplified a digestion process that has been going on for a while, probably my whole life.

We are all complex and layered, and so are our relationships.

I can find a deep gratitude for the support from my mother. She was almost always kind, loving, supportive, and encouraging.

I can find hurt from experiences with my mother.

I notice sadness for how her wounding played out during her life, and over the last months and years of her life.

I find sadness and grief for how and when her and mine wounding came between us.

I can find wounds and trauma in me passed on through my parents to me, and these are intergenerational and collective. I notice a freeze tendency in me as part of this.

I find a deep sense of love and connection when I see her healthy and whole side, and when I imagine her as healthy and whole.

I seem to connect with her now, as consciousness, everywhere, and as love and a loving presence.

I see her as consciousness, as I am and all beings are to themselves.

Mainly, there is a deep love for her – as whole, as presence, for her past human expression.

TRAUMA AND WOUNDS

We have trauma, wounds, reactivity, and so on, and some of us more than others. In my birth family, we have had our share.

Some of this have, at times, made my interaction and relationship with my mother difficult. In my case, it was the dynamics between her and my father that was challenging and that I felt got between us.

I put it between us because it’s all I knew to do. A part of me wanted to protect me by putting it between us, although I also was able to see through it and set it aside at different times.

OUR WHOLE AND HEALTHY EXPRESSION

Then there is who we are when we are whole and healthy. Nearly all of us have a whole and healthy side that comes out in some, or many, situations and relationships. My mother was always kind, encouraging, and supportive of me. (Apart from some stressful interactions in childhood that I can remember, but I assume I was difficult too.) It’s also easy to imagine how we would be if we were thoroughly whole and healthy at a human level. We know how that feels and looks.

OUR NATURE

To myself, I am consciousness, and the world as it appears to me happens within this awake space I am. Even more to the point, I am capacity for this consciousness and all it forms itself into.

I suspect it’s the same for all “conscious beings”. To themselves, they are like me, they are awake space for the world, and they are capacity for all of it.

To herself, my mother was – and still is – consciousness, whether the consciousness she is notices or not. She is like me. She was and is space for her world.

INTERGENERATIONAL AND COLLECTIVE TRAUMA

To swing back to the wounding and trauma…

It’s not all that personal, even if it plays itself out in our unique and personal lives.

Most or all of this is rooted in intergenerational and collective trauma and wounding. I know enough about my grandparents and their situation to see some of where the wounding of my parents came from, and that wounding was likely passed on through generations in different forms.

That wounding is rooted in collective wounding and trauma. It comes from our particular flavor of domination culture and how it has been expressed and lived through the generations. It goes all the way back to the agricultural revolution.

And really, it goes back even further, to our evolutionary past since the conditions for all of it to play itself out is built into us through evolution and biology.

MEMORY

My memory is here and now. It’s constructed here and now.

It’s far from a faithful reproduction of the past.

It’s colored by my mood, focus, biases, the orientation of others, and so on.

When we work on healing wounds and traumas, it’s natural to focus on the aspects of our history and relationships related to that. And yet, that’s just one part of the full picture. Often, it’s a relatively small – although significant – part.

When I remind myself of all the other parts of my history and relationships, it all looks quite different. It’s a tapestry of love, joys, affection, challenges, and – yes – some wounds and trauma too.

An important part of life – and the healing process – is to remember this fuller picture, this rich tapestry.

DIFFERENT ASPECTS AT DIFFERENT TIMES

In grief, as in life in general, different aspects come up at different times.

Grief over the loss of the person. Joyful memories. Sad memories. Regrets. Gratitude for connections, experiences, support, opportunities. Grief over what could have been, and wasn’t. Love. All as consciousness. And so on. It’s all part of the tapestry.

A MIRROR

The world is my mirror, and my parents and birth family are large part of that mirror.

I have explored it in many ways over the years, through just living my life and noticing, and also in a more structured way through inquiry (The Work of Byron Katie, Kiloby Inquiries), parts work (Big Mind process), therapy (Process Work), tonglen and ho’oponopono, and so on.

PRE-INCARNATION MEMORY & SENSING

Right now, I also notice a couple of central things in my life colors how I experience her transition.

As a young child, I had flashbacks to the time before this incarnation. All was consciousness, golden, infinite and indescribable love, infinite wisdom and knowing (I was kind of swimming in it, it wasn’t directly “my” wisdom and knowing), time passed very far away almost like a whisper, and there was a profound sense of being home – far beyond what home usually refers to.

I had a deep longing for something later in childhood, and I realize it very likely was for this. Later, I also realized that this was likely a flashback to the time between incarnations.

In my teens, I noticed I could see energies around living beings and objects, and also that I could sense and invite healing at a distance. This sensing has been amplified over the last years (through Vortex Healing classes), and I have sensed several I know who passed on. It’s interesting how, in each case, it was different. One was in turmoil for a day or so after dying. One was in deep relief and quiet joy. It’s also as if the layers soften and go one at a time, starting with the personality and personal orientations.

My experience of my mother is that she is everywhere, and she went through several phases already. Now, I notice mostly presence, curiosity, and a kind of support through that presence.

A SYNCHRONICITY

Last night, around 9pm, the electricity went in my parents’ house and neighborhood. I am staying in the house, and my parents are at a care home not far away. I knew that my mother was on the last few days or hours of her life, and felt that this is a synchronicity. The house where she had lived for most of her life, and where she had my father had put so much work into making it cozy and a work of art – filled with antiques and art – went dark, just as she died. As the electricity returned, I received a message from my brother saying that she had just passed.

A NOMADIC LIFE

For me, there is another side to this. I love community. I envisioned having children. I have wanted to live in a co-housing community or eco village since my teens. I loved it when I had an instant family of my own – with a girlfriend, (her) son, and dog – in my early twenties.

What unfolded was different. I have had a nomadic life. I make friends and find a community, and then go somewhere else. I have no children. How will my old age be? I still have some decades before then, but it’s something to keep in mind.

Why am I fascinated by these topics?

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Why am I fascinated by these topics – the ones I write about here?

Why have I been fascinated by them since my mid-teens?

I could say something impersonal about it. For instance, I see them as important and often overlooked. That’s true enough. I see them as important, and the reason I keep exploring them is partly that not too many do.

The real answers, as usual, are much more intimate, personal, and interesting, and although there is an essence that’s the same for all of them, the answer for each topic also has its own flavor.

AWAKENING

Why am I interested in awakening? After all, I grew up in an agnostic/atheist family and culture, and still socially often label myself an atheist. I don’t see it as particularly noble to be interested in some of the topics of religions, considering how religions have often been used to justify dominance and different forms of marginalization and violence. Spirituality also doesn’t have a very favorable image, considering how it’s often used to indulge in fantasies and as an escape.

The answer is the oneness shift that happened when this human self was sixteen. In spite of labeling himself an atheist, and having little more than disdain for spirituality and religions, there was a oneness shift.

The oneness I am noticed itself, and that all content of experience to me happens within and as the oneness I am. That turned everything upside down and inside out, and thoroughly changed not only perception but the life of this human self in the world.

The answer to why I am interested in the topic is that I had to learn to navigate this terrain. I had to learn to clarify, deepen, invite and allow my human self to realign within it, and so on. That’s an infinitely long process, and even some decades later, I am still at the very beginning of it.

For years, I explored it on my own since I lived in a small town in Norway before internet and couldn’t find anyone who talked about this terrain in books or in person. That was a blessing, although also lonely at a human level.

Later, I found others who did talk about it, although often through layers of culture and sometimes assumptions. (Mystics from different traditions, Zen.) And later again, in my thirties, I finally found someone who talked about it more directly and clearly – especially Adyashanti, Douglas Harding, and Byron Katie. (These are contemporaries to me, and from a similar cultural background, so to me, they speak clearly and directly.)

HEALING

Why am I interested in healing? It’s because I need it.

I have trauma and wounds I wish to find healing for.

I have a chronic illness I wish to learn to live better with, and – if possible – also invite in healing for.

SOCIAL CHANGE

Why am I interested in social change, in creating a more life-centered civilization?

It’s because I wish it for myself.

I wish to live in a more life-centered and regenerative inner society, and that’s reflected in a wish for an outer society like that.

I wish to live in a society that is more life-centered because it’s more comfortable for me.

THE FAR FUTURE

Why am I interested in imagining possible futures?

More specifically, why did I start the Long Journey Home project?

It’s because imagining a civilization I wish to see is easier when I imagine it in the far future. If I only focus on today, my mind limits itself with ideas of what’s realistic. In the far future, just about anything is imaginable.

The contrast between this imagined future and now helps me shed light on our culture and civilization and how it’s internalized in me.

Mainly, it helps me clarify what I wish to see in the world, find it in me and the world, and live some of it here and now. It helps me change the culture and civilization internalized in me and reflected in my life.

REGENERATION

Why am I passionate about regeneration? Why do I write about it, and why do I have my own regeneration project in the Andes?

It’s partly because *I* need to regenerate. I need to heal and come to life. I am harmed by this culture and civilization, just like most of us are, and this living planet is.

It’s also because I am part of this larger living system, what happens to this living system happens to me, it’s severely degraded, so it only makes sense to encourage and bring in regeneration of this living system.

THE ESSENCE

So what’s the shared essence in all of this?

The essence is that the topics are personal and intimate to me, and something I deeply wish.

I need to learn to navigate my nature recognizing itself.

I need healing at many levels.

I deeply wish to live in a different inner and outer society.

I need the perspective from an imagined far future to more clearly see what’s here.

I need regeneration – of me and the larger whole I am part of.

It’s not for any abstract or noble reason. It’s far more close to home and practical.

Regenerating the land and people

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I saw this article in the New York Times – At This Clinic in Hawaii, Nature Is the Medicine.

It’s on a topic I have been passionate for a while: Regeneration of the land and people in the same process.

We are all damaged by a particular version of domination culture, one that has its roots in the agricultural revolution, and one that assumes separation, unlimited Earth, and so on.

We as individuals and humans are damaged by it, and the web of life we are part of is damaged by it.

So it only makes sense that the healing involves all of us.

We are still in the very early phase of regenerating Finca Milagros. Our focus is still on developing the basic infrastructure (solar, rainwater collection etc.), we need to rebuild the first small house, we are feeding the soil and developing the food forest around the houses, an organization planted 2000 native trees (20 different types) in the “wilderness” zone last year, we are developing connections with neighbors and other regenerators in the area, and so on.

Already, it’s very clear that the regeneration of Finca Milagros is also a regeneration of us. We feel deeply nourished by being there, being part of that recovering ecosystem, and doing what we can to help it recover. We are all recovering from this civilization and its separation mindset.

As the basics are in place, and things settle bit (if they ever will!), we are hoping to develop a community area. We already have a place set aside for it. It may include a large caney (tall with roof and no or one or two partial walls) for workshops, guests, a small kitchen, and so on, and also a camping area for visitors.

It may be a space for trainings, education, workshops, healing, and so on. And the focus will likely be on regeneration of the land, ourselves, or both.

For instance, we could combine Breema bodywork classes (simple, deeply nurturing), group healings (Vortex Healing), regeneration education, hands-on work on the land, and so on.

Even without that space, we can still organize different events – group healings, Breema workshops, hands-on regeneration work, regeneration education, and so on.

These are just some visions at this point, so we’ll see how it all unfolds.

Update: The day after writing this, I saw another mainstream newspaper article – in The Guardian – on the same topic. It seems to be in the zeitgeist, which is understandable. Nature nurture: the Devon estate where rewilding and mental health go hand in hand. It happens to be from Totnes which I love, and where I lived for six months some years back.

Awakening and trauma

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Many talk about awakening and trauma these days, which is very good. It’s an important topic.

I see two broad categories in my own process.

AWAKENING AS A SAFETY VALVE (?)

One is that I suspect trauma had something to do with the initial awakening shift. It happened when I was fifteen and with a good amount of teenage angst and trauma. I suspect the awakening shift functioned as a kind of safety valve. Something had to shift, and that’s the direction it went.

I remember Douglas Harding talk about something similar. I think he said that “Douglas became unbearable” so there was a spontaneous shift into headlessness. Something similar may have happened with me.

My system may have been primed to go in that direction anyway. (At a conscious level, I was an atheist with no knowledge of or interest in it.) And the stress and psychological pressure made my system “break” so my nature recognized itself.

AWAKENING DOESN’T MAKE THE TRAUMA MAGICALLY GO AWAY

There is another side to this, and that is how awakening influences the trauma that’s here.

The short answer is that it didn’t make it magically go away.

And it did shift my relationship with it, as it shifted my relationship with everything within content of experience.

It’s easier to see it as something that happens, like anything happens. It’s an expression of life. It happens within and as the awake space that’s here, that seems fundamental to what I am.

This helps notice and explore it, relate to it in a more intentional way, and also invite in shifts and healing. It still a long process with many layers, at least in my case, and it’s not always graceful.

TRAUMA PRESENCE IN MY PROCESS

The first ten years into the oneness shift was a honeymoon. The center of gravity had shifted into Big Mind, and the human was generally more in the background. Human hangups were still there of course, and my wounds and traumas did color my human perception and life, but it was all more in the background. I did work on it – through shadow work, exploring projections, therapy and so on – although a lot seemed distant, dormant, and difficult to access.

Several years ago, I asked life (the divine) to “show me what’s left”. Within a week, an overwhelming amount of trauma surfaced in my system. For the first nine months, it was so strong I could barely function and I was lucky to get one hour of sleep a night, usually early in the morning. I would walk for hour in the forest listening to Adyashanti during this time, along with trying to work with people only who had experience in working with trauma and dark nights. What had been somewhat dormant and hidden came to the surface, and I did not always deal with it gracefully. It was a very human and humbling period. This lasted for years and it’s still here to some extent, although at a more moderate and manageable volume than before.

HOW I HAVE EXPLORED TRAUMA

I have explored trauma in a range of ways – talk therapy (limited usefulness), tonglen, Process Oriented Psychology (more interesting), dialog and parts work (Big Mind Process), inquiry (The Work of Byron Katie), sense field explorations (Kiloby Inquiries), Ho’oponopono, Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE), energy work (Vortex Healing), and so on, in addition to nourishing body-centered approaches like Breema, Tai Chi, and Qigong.

These days, I seem to be drawn to a more intuitive and direct approach. I sense the contraction. Bring awareness into it. Notice it’s all as awake space (AKA the divine) taking that form. Rest in and as that noticing. Notice shifts. And so on.

Trauma sits in the whole system, is part of a network, is based in painful beliefs and underlying assumptions, is often collective and intergenerational in nature, is a part with its own experience of the world, is rooted in separation consciousness, has bodily and energetic components, has a lived component, and much more, so it makes sense to explore it in many different ways.

The divine is on the inside of the contraction

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Several years ago, when I first got into Vortex Healing, I worked on my kidneys since they were heavily impacted by decades of CFS/ME. (Possibly from a chronic low-level EB infection impacting the kidneys.) I did what was implied in the first VH classes which is to channel into the organ or contraction.

As I sat with that intention, I noticed the kidneys felt like shells energetically, and it was as if the energy bounced off them.

I needed to find another way, and brought attention to the divine inside of the kidneys and the sense of a shell. I noticed the divine inside the kidneys and making up the kidneys and the shell. I noticed it all as awake space taking these forms. Staying with that allowed it all to shift, which is what healing is really about – inviting shifts.

As so often, this is going back to what I first discovered in my teens. In this case, it’s how I did healing in my teens – noticing all as the divine, all as coming from and being emptiness taking all forms, and inviting in shifts from and as that.

This experience was a reminder and encouragement to bring this into my healing.

Nature spirits & Finca Milagros

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There are many things I don’t write about or don’t write about often. I try to keep it to what’s pragmatic and accessible to most if not everyone.

One thing I don’t think I have mentioned is my experiences with nature spirits.

When I started to see and consciously sense energies, in the summer when I was sixteen (1986), it was first around plants. I saw it around the leaves of a beautiful birch tree in my parents’ garden. I was sitting outside reading a book in the summer, noticed a light around the leaves, and first thought it was an optical illusion. Over a couple or a few days, it became stronger, and I saw it around everything. I realized it was something else than an optical illusion since the quality and characteristics of the light were different around plants, inanimate objects, animals, and humans.

I also discovered that I can sense at a distance what’s going on in someone’s system, and also invite in healing. Sometimes, that healing is surprisingly effective.

I mention this since it relates to my experiences with what seems like nature spirits.

It seems that I can sense the nature spirits of a place, a landscape, an ecosystem, Earth as a whole, and even through the universe. I can sense them and there is a kind of communication.

It’s a little odd since it seems that there are nature spirits at all levels, or that the one overarching nature spirit can be sensed into and communicated with at different levels. Said another way, it’s a holarchy where wholes are parts of larger wholes, or a seamless system with nested subsystems.

When we first came to Finca Milagros (it was called Santa Lucia then), I had a profound experience of connection with this land and the nature spirits here. I deeply felt they asked me to be here and protect the land. I have never felt that before or anywhere else since, although I experience it daily here. There is a deep sense of communication with the land and the spirits here. I notice how they respond to what’s happening here and seem active participants in the regeneration, reforestation, and food forest project.

I haven’t explored connecting with individual plants so much yet. My wife seems much better at that and often sense what they ask for and need, and it seems accurate.

In the Amma experience about a year ago, there was a part of the process where Amma and the nature spirits of this landscape and ecosystem were in the foreground. It was clear that all came out of the nothing and are part of the same seamless whole as everything.

Yesterday, I was moved to do something I don’t remember having done before. I connected with the nature spirits here on Milagros, in this landscape, in this bioregion, for Gaia, and through the universe. I asked them for healing for me and included my wife and Mila.

I was reminded of why I haven’t done this before: There is shame in me for how humans have treated the rest of nature, even if I know that this is all part of the larger process of this living planet and universe.

I also noticed an invitation to see myself – this human self – even more as nature, as something and someone who is the domain of the nature spirits and all life.

Today, I have felt very weird. Something is definitely going on in my system. (Although that, in itself, is not so unusual because of the CFS.) My wife is feeling weird too. It feels like a lot is moving. I had mentioned to her that I asked the nature spirits for healing last night, and she asked me if I had included her in the intention. I said yes, and she said she feels the nature spirits very strongly here and in her system.

Being moved to ask the nature spirits for healing came from deep in me, and was also likely inspired by a conversation with a friend in Oregon last night which touched on our experiences with nature spirits, and a recent comment from the Vortex Healing EarthWorks teacher (AG) in an email to me. Don’t forget the nature spirits. (Slightly paraphrased.)

Rumi: Even when tied in a thousand knots, the string is still one

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Even when tied in a thousand knots, the string is still one.

– Rumi

Yes, my string is tied in a thousand knots and it’s still one.

At a psychological and human level, there are many hangups, wounds, traumas, parts of me holding onto painful beliefs, confusion, chronic illness, and so on.

And it’s all happening within and as this awake space I am. The consciousness I am forms itself into the experience of all of it.

The string is tied in a thousand knots (all the hangups and challenges at a human level), and it’s also one (the consciousness I am forming itself into all of it).

When the consciousness we are to ourselves notices this, it can lead to a big change.

We change our relationship with the knots. We recognize them as our own nature. To me, they have the same nature as I have. They are awake space. They are consciousness.

We can rest in the noticing of what we are, and in noticing the nature of the knots (which is the same as our nature), and that can help the knots loosen. With the help of inquiry, therapy, dialog, insights, and so on, some of them may even untie themselves.

In my experience, what’s most important is the changing relationship with the knots. Instead of struggling with them, I notice their nature. (And the nature of any struggle that’s here.) The loosening of the knots can certainly happen, which makes it all a bit easier. Although the untying of the knots may happen, it may take time and it’s not something I would count on for finding more peace with them.

It’s more direct to find peace with them by noticing their nature, and it may also be easier. There are many effective ways to notice our own nature and the nature of all content of experience. (My favorites are the Big Mind process and the Headless experiments.)

Supporting the healing processes of the body

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I got an injury followed by inflammation earlier tonight, and someone suggested putting ice on it.

I chose to not do it. I cleaned the wound with clean water and a special soap for that purpose, I am leaving that part open to the air, and am allowing it to do its own thing. This has been my general approach since early in life, at least for less serious injuries like this one. (These days, I also use neurogenic tremors and Vortex Healing to support the healing process.)

The body has evolved healing processes over millions of years. So why work against those processes?

INFLAMMATION IS A NATURAL HEALING PROCESS OF THE BODY

In the case of inflammation, it’s the body’s way of improving circulation to the areas, and with it better access for a higher number of immune cells, more effective removal of whatever is not needed, and so on. It’s also a signal to slow down and rest for a while, and avoid putting too much strain on the injured part of the body.

By icing, you may remove some symptoms and discomfort, and you also work against the self-healing process by creating contractions, reducing circulation, and reducing the number of immune cells accessing the area.

The icing type of advice seems to be the product of a worldview that’s inherently suspicious of nature, doesn’t appreciate the wisdom of the body, focuses on treating symptoms (even if they are symptoms of the healing process), and assumes humans know better even if science is very young and we know very little.

In this case, it even goes against what we (think we) know and understand about how inflammation works. Of course, the body can and will heal itself even if we ice, but I prefer to avoid it.

PARTNERSHIP VS DOMINATION APPROACH

Our body and mind have profound healing abilities, built into us through millions of years of evolution. It makes sense to support and work with these processes.

This is the difference between a general partnership approach and a domination approach.

Our culture has mostly a domination orientation, which is reflected in our medicine. We have a medical system that focuses on (often toxic) medication, surgery, and strong interventions and has less emphasis on prevention and supporting the body in healing itself through diet and other lifestyle changes.

A MIX OF THE TWO

There is always a mix of the two, and fortunately, there is more understanding of the benefits of a partnership approach these days. Some examples are the focus on gut microbiome health, immunotherapy, phage therapy (still mostly used in former Soviet countries), and of course the role of diet and activity.

I use approaches on the domination side if necessary, especially if I have a serious condition. And I always prefer the partnership approach, especially for prevention, treating less serious ailments, and as a complement to conventional (domination type) treatments for serious conditions.

I assume that we will collectively continue to develop more effective partnership approaches to health and illness, including through integrative and functional medicine, and more specific treatments like immunotherapy for cancer.

A PARTNERSHIP APPROACH TO HEALING THE MIND

All of this also goes for finding healing for the mind. Here too, I prefer partnership approaches. I rest in noticing my nature which creates a context that seems to invite healing for the mind. (Basic meditation can be healing over time, especially combined with therapy.) I invite and join in with the natural trembling dynamics of the body to release stress. (TRE.) I find what I really want within surface wants. I find what’s genuinely more true for me than stressful beliefs. (Any thought held as true is stressful.) I befriend scared or reactive parts of me, listen to them, thank them for protecting me, and so on.

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The dance between spontaneous and intentional movement in somatic tension and trauma release (TRE)

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When I release tension by spontaneous body movements, it’s an interplay between spontaneous and intentional movements.

First, how do I release tension through spontaneous body movements?

I use an approach called Tension & Trauma Release Exercises (TRE). These are a set of simple exercises designed to (a) fatigue and stretch the leg muscles, and (b) invite the natural and spontaneous shaking mechanism of the body to activate and release tension.

I have done it for several years now, and went through the certification program, so it’s relatively easy for me to access and activate that shaking process. It’s close to the surface and I don’t need to do all of the exercises, although when I do, the process seems to go a bit deeper.

Most of the time, I intentionally activate the shaking process when I sit, stand, or lie down. Sometimes, I may move into one of the two last TRE positions, either the one on the floor or on the wall. Usually, I activate the spontaneous process by intentionally initiating shaking which “primes the pump” and the spontaneous movements take over.

Starting the spontaneous process is an interplay between intention and what the body does spontaneously, and the rest – the session itself and the stopping – is the same interplay.

Sometimes, I allow my body to do whatever it wants without any intentional input from my side.

Other times, I direct the shaking to different parts of the body where I sense it may be needed. For instance, if the shaking is happening in the legs, I may tense my leg muscles a bit and the shaking tends to move up the body to the upper body. I may also intentionally start the shaking in a body part – often the upper body and shoulders – which triggers the spontaneous shaking there.

If I notice the shaking dissipates relatively quickly in the area where I direct it, I let it be and allow my body to shake where it happens more naturally and spontaneously.

When I feel I am ready to finish the session, I usually stop it by changing position. If I am on the floor, I stretch out my legs and/or move to lie on the side. If I am standing, I walk or sit down.

I have written “shaking” here but the body is using a wide range of approaches to release tension – shaking, vibrating, stretching, crying, laughing, and so on.

Often, there is a kind of symmetry in the process. For isntance, if spontanous stretching happens on one side of the body, it will move to the other side and do the same there. (The exception is if there is a lack of symmetry in the body, which means the process may happen more on one side than the other until the symmetry is restored, perhaps over many sessions.)

It naturally goes in waves. It starts, perhaps grows in strength for a while, and then naturally reduces in strength again. Sometimes, it’s quiet for a while, giving the body time to rest and absorb the release, and then it will start again.

This tension release process is inherent in us, came about through evolution, and is shared by all mammals. It’s a process with an evolutionary advantage since it helps us process and release difficult or overwhelming experiences.

In our culture, we are taught that shaking, trembling, and spontanous movements or sounds is undesirable. We are trained to see it as a sign of weakness or of being out of control, so many of us learn to suppress it from early in life.

That means we miss out of a wonderful process of natural tension release.

It also means that we need guidance through stepwise processes to access it again. That’s why we have TRE. It helps us access and activate these natural healing dynamics in our bodies.

That’s also why the actual exercises of TRE are not strictly neccesary after a while, although they can – as I mentioned above – help us go deeper in the process.

The shaking and stretching gives a deep internal massage to the tissues of our bodies. It supports the healing process of the body. It helps the body find balance and health.

It also releases mental stress and tension, since this is stored in the form of muscle tension.

As the name implies, it can also help release trauma – both physical and psychological.

That’s why it’s important to start slow, under guidance with a trained person, and only do it for a few minutes at a time. As we get to know our system better, and how it responds to these releases, we can do it for longer. (Although that does risk releasing bigger chunks of trauma, which may be OK depending on our situation and if we have support.)

Over time, this process helps us get familiar with and trust the deep evolutionary wisdom of our bodymind. It’s a beautiful partnership between our conscious view and orientation and the deep wisdom embedded in our system.

For more info on TRE, see the TRE website, the TRE YouTube channel, and David Berceli’s books.

The video above shows a simple TRE session done on the floor.

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Michelle Obama: People who are truly strong lift others up

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Let’s be very clear: Strong men – men who are truly role models – don’t need to put down women to make themselves feel powerful. People who are truly strong life others up. People who are truly powerful bring others together.

– Michelle Obama

I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment, and it’s clearly true. We don’t need to put others down if we are comfortable with ourselves. If we are in the habit of being kind to ourselves, we lift others up and bring people together.

At the same time, I honestly don’t know what strong means in this context. I know what strong means in terms of physical strength, but not so much here. I suspect it may mean what I hinted at above – to be comfortable with ourselves, habitually kind to ourselves and our experiences, perhaps even resilient.

Some folks seem to have a fixation on strength. I assume it’s compensation for something, for feeling “weak” whatever that means to them. Of course, the solution is not whatever our idea of “strong” is. The solution is to examine our stressful stories, find more comfort with ourselves, and learn how to relate to ourselves and our experiences with a little more kindness.

The solution is to give to ourselves – directly and through the situations and people we seek out – what we really want, which is – in my experience – love, acceptance, and support.

Our Season (Korean movie) & using imaginary conversations for healing

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I watched Our Season by Yook Sang-hyo on a plane ride yesterday and enjoyed it a lot.

In the movie, a daughter and mother have a strained relationship, the mother dies, returns in spirit form to see how her daughter is doing, sees that she is filled with regret and is making bad life choices because of it, and wants to help her. She finds a way to spend an evening with her daughter and they find resolution. The daughter is able to move on with her life and make use of her opportunities.

IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS FOR HEALING

It reminds me of one of my favorite ways to explore healing.

Imagine the other person as whole, healed, wise, and kind, and wishing the best for everyone. (When we are whole and healed, we are able to tap into our wisdom and kindness, and we naturally wish the best for everyone.)

Have a conversation with that person. Have the conversation you really wanted to have with them, from receptivity, understanding, and wishing the best for each other.

Talk about what was difficult, ask questions, learn how that person experienced it and how they see it differently now from a healed place, share your experience, apologize, share what you wish for each other.

A FEW MORE DETAILS

I have used this with issues from childhood, especially with schoolmates from that time. It led me to understand them better and where they came from, and they understood me better. It shifted something in me and I see that situation quite differently now. (I understand that they may have felt threatened by my passion for learning and being a good student. I see how I used it to feel better about myself, and sometimes even better than them which gave them fuel for resentment.)

It is an imaginary conversation but it’s still real enough. It’s the type of conversation we would have if we were both whole and healed and came from our wisdom and kindness. It is a way to access the different parts of me represented by these people – me and the others. It is a way to change how I perceive them, me, and the situation. It is a way to find healing.

As with everything else, it’s all happening within and as what I am. The consciousness I am forms itself into all of it.

Of course, what’s missing is the unique perspectives and knowledge that the actual people would have, and actually having the conversation with them. Sometimes, it’s not possible to have that actual conversation since the other is no longer in our life. Sometimes, we or they may not be ready. Sometimes, doing this in imagination can lead to doing it in real life.

Sometimes, doing it this way has to be enough and can lead to resolution. We get to live and experience one way it would play out if we both were healed and came from a place of understanding, kindness, and well-wishing.

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Always further to go

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If I hear someone say something about their process that sounds a bit exaggerated – I have reached full awakening, I healed this issue completely, and so on – this is the kind of image that comes to mind.

Life has a way of testing and humbling us, and that’s how it should be. Anything out of alignment with reality would be worn off if we lived long enough. It wouldn’t survive the inevitable and long series of experiences showing us it’s untrue.

If we tell ourselves something exaggerated, it’s because we feel we need it. We try to find a sense of safety in it. It’s innocent, and we set ourselves up for some struggle when life inevitably shows us something different.

For me, it’s more comfortable to admit that I don’t know.

Healing. I have no idea of what’s been healed in me and not. I know very well that life can put me in certain situations that will trigger issues that have not visited for a long time, and seemed to go away after some healing work. There are always more layers and underlying and interconnected issues. Some issues go dormant for a while, for whatever reason, and then come back up again.

Exploring my nature. I know that in terms of getting familiar with my nature, there is always more to explore, clarify, deepen into, and so on.

Living from oneness. In terms of living from my nature noticing itself (AKA oneness), there is a lot further to go. There are many parts of me, of my psyche, that still operate from separation consciousness, wounds, trauma, and so on. They inevitably color my perception and life, sometimes get triggered, and I sometimes get caught up in them too.

In all of these areas, I have just dipped my toes in the water.

That’s the case with any area of life and exploration. As far as I can tell, there is no finishing line. There is always further to go. My stories about it are questions about the world. Reality is always more than and different from my stories about it, and also less than.

With this too, life has a lot more to show me. There is further to go in exploring, clarifying, deepening, maturing, being humbled, and living from and as it.

Shame and guilt as pointers

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In recent conversations, two people in my life (SE and AL) have brought up the topic of shame and guilt in the context of healing.

For me, they are pointers to something unhealed in me, and I noticed this especially clearly during the times I have been immersed in The Work of Byron Katie. Especially the third question seems to bring it home: How do you react, what happens, when you believe the thought?

They are pointers to unexamined painful stories, unloved parts of me, unfelt feelings.

They are indicators showing me what’s left.

So a natural question then is:

What do I still have shame and guilt about? What’s still left to explore?

For me, the main one is leaving my guidance – and myself and the path I was on – in my late twenties. I abandoned what was most important to me because I felt I “should”, and felt profoundly off track. It put my life on a different track, and it was painful for me. It still is, to some extent, because there is more to see there. More to find love for. More stories to examine. More clarity to find.

Another is myself. Guilt and shame about myself come up, especially in social situations and with new people. I feel I am not good enough. Not as good as them. Unlovable. This is obviously from early in life and there is still some left even if I have explored it off and on for a while (=decades).

With both of these, the charge is usually not as strong, I recognize them as old issues when they come up, I recognize them as parts of me, I have befriended them to a good extent, and – at least in some situations – I seem able to live my life from my whole and not just these parts.

I am also very aware that since there is more for me to explore here, they do color my life and perception, and I inevitably have blind spots related to them.

The stories we put on weird experiences

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What stories do we put on weird1 experiences?

What do those stories say about me and my worldview? How do they impact my life? How can I find more kind, accurate, and useful stories?

In many ways, those questions are as or more important than the “truth” about these experiences, and what we can find through regular scientific research into them.

I have experienced and gone through a number of states that can be called spiritual. If I took these as some kind of goal or place to get back into, I would create a lot of problems for myself. I would be on a wild goose chase. Instead, I chose to see them as highlighting aspects of what I am, aspects of my nature. I ask myself if I can find the essence of it here and now. That seems more kind, wise, and useful, and I am sure there are other ways to look at it that may seem even more insightful and useful.

I have periods with frequent and amazing synchronicities. I can try to figure what they mean as if there is some meaning inherent in them waiting to be found. That seems stressful since I can never know if I have found it, and it also looks like a wild goose chase. Instead, it seems to point to me being in a kind of flow state and following my inner guidance. I can see if that seems accurate. I can also see it as a question about reality: Perhaps all is connected in a far deeper way than it looks? Perhaps all these surface expressions are movements within a seamless whole? I can also take it as a reminder that the universe seems like a seamless system.

As a kid, I had what seemed like flashbacks to between lives. I shifted into a state of disembodiment and all as consciousness and love. I was profoundly at home, beyond anything I can imagine in this life. It brought up longing and some grief in me. I can try to figure out if this is how it really is between lives. I can try to tell myself I know this is how it is between lives. Again, that’s futile since I cannot know any of that for certain, and somewhere in me I know that. I cannot successfully deceive myself even if I try. Again, it seem more wise, kind, and useful to use it as a pointer for what’s here now. Can I find it here and now? (The answer is yes, I can find it here and now. The essence is the same although it doesn’t look exactly the same, and it’s generally much easier to find it than it has been at some points.)

I seem to be able to sense to some extent what’s going on in the system of others and invite in healing at a distance. Again, I could try to tell myself I know that this is how it is and perhaps even how it works. And again, that’s futile since I know I cannot know for certain. It’s far more comfortable for me to hold the questions and keep exploring. The sensing and healing seem to work, so why not keep exploring it?

I have precognitions, either through dreams or in waking life. Many of these seem accurate. I dreamt I would live in Oregon fifteen years before it happened2. I dreamt I would live in a neighborhood with a very particular schoolhouse in South America, and that happened roughly thirty-five years later3. I also often have a sense of how situations will unfold, and when that sense has a certain quiet solid feel to it, it often turns out to be correct. (Hopes and fears can muddle it, of course.) I find it useful to see these as questions more than anything else.

My nature seems to be able to recognize itself and this whole field of experience as happening within itself. I could tell myself stories about how this is awakening or enlightenment, or that it’s a full awakening, or that it’s some kind of endpoint. It’s the same with this as with the other examples. It seems obviously not true. Those are stories and I cannot know any of it for certain. On the contrary, it seems that this is an ongoing process of exploration, clarification, deepening, maturing, healing, and so on. I cannot find any finishing line. That’s far more comfortable and it seems more aligned with reality.

I seem to have what could be called insights. I could tell myself these reflect some final, full, absolute truth. That seems stressful and it would require a lot of work to try to talk myself into it. The reality is that I cannot know. They seem provisional and more like questions about the world than anything else. I am sure there are other ways to looking at it that would make more sense to me now or will in the future. Taking it that way is far more comfortable for me. It seems more aligned with reality. (And that too is provisional and a question.)

To me, waking life seems like a dream. It’s all happening within the consciousness I am, just like night dreams. The consciousness I am forms itself into all of it. These too are questions more than anything else. If I got caught up in the mental mirroring (representations) of it and told myself that’s how it is, it would distract from the actual alive noticing. Holding those stories as questions frees up attention to actually noticing.

I could tell myself that having weird experiences with the “spiritual” label on it makes me special. That too seems stressful because it’s not true. Many if not most people have unusual experiences once or several times. Many have had far more experiences than me. (It’s not a competition.) I didn’t choose or create any of these experiences, they just happened. I cannot keep them or make them come back. They live their own life. At most, some of them are pointers for aspects of what I am and what I can find here and now.

I have had ghost and UFO experiences. Again, I could make up stories about these and tell myself I know how things are. I don’t. I can explore and have questions about it, and that’s about it. That’s more interesting and aligned with reality, and allows me to keep exploring.

With the things that relate to something “out there” – ghosts, UFOs, synchronicities, and so on– I take it as only “out there” in the world. That way, I would miss out on the richness of also seeing it in here. I can notice that it all happens within and as my sense fields, and that my sense fields happen within and as the consciousness I am. I can identify my stories about them, turn these stories to myself, and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true.

These are all provisional stories, and I keep exploring to see if something else may seem more useful for me. Of course, to be useful, they also need to be as sincere, honest, and true as possible – in a conventional sense and in my experience.

NOTES

(1) When I say “weird” it means weird as seen in our mainstream culture. Something that doesn’t fit the mainstream materialistic worldview and the views of our current science. In some subcultures and in most other cultures, it will not be seen as weird. It fits their worldview. (For a couple of hundred years, our culture has worked to shed superstitions, and that’s good. Now, it may be time to include some of it again, and to do so in a more grounded and science-based way.)

(2) I was a teenager and lived in Norway at the time, and had absolutely no intention to go to the US. I didn’t like much about the US so it was very far down the list of places I wanted to visit and even less live in. Through a set of circumstances, I did eventually find myself in Oregon and in the setting described in the dream.

(3) I almost fell out of the car when I saw that schoolhouse while we were in the process of buying the land. At some point, we had given up since it seemed impossible – there was no road access – but the dream suggested that it would happen. Now, I can see that school from our tiny house.

Image by me and Midjourney

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 49

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

CG JUNG: THE BRIGHTER THE LIGHT

The brighter the light, the darker the shadow.

– CG Jung

What is Jung referring to here? I am not sure, but I can find where the quote seems accurate.

The more I am identified with desirable qualities, and the more I see them as exclusive and not co-existing with their reversals, the more the rest of me will go into the shadow. It’s something I see in others and not (so much) in myself.

There is another dynamic here and I am not sure how to talk about it: The more light, the stronger the shadow. When my system goes “up” it’s followed by going “down”. There is a sense of a lot of light coming into my system, it tends to bring up new layers of what’s unprocessed in me. This can happen, for instance, after focusing on heart-centered practices and so on.

The invitation for me here is to engage in these practices differently, in a way that opens to all of me – what’s desirable and not to my personality, what my culture sees as “light” and “dark”. In a way where there is less identification with the “light” side of me and more of a conscious embrace of all of it, including the “dark” sides.

I am exploring these dynamics right now. After the Amma experience some weeks ago, and after going into heart-centered practices, it was as if new layers of unprocessed material came up quite strongly. It’s clear that the more I wish for the light and try to hold onto it, the more the dark comes up and it feels challenging and unwanted. The more I recognize all of it as expressions of the divine and the mind, and the more I can intentionally embrace it all, the easier it is. That’s when it all can work on me and make me more consciously whole and aligned with reality and what’s already here.

What specifically has been coming up? First, grief and pain from Merlina dying. Then, a lot of anger and I didn’t always deal with that anger gracefully. Likely because I never really learned to deal with and work with anger from my birth family, and because a part of me tells me it’s bad and wrong and my mind still believes it to some extent. In addition to this, just generally feeling uncomfortable, which may be discomfort about underlying anger. The anger is partly from me not taking care of my own needs in my life and also recently.

Right now, how is it to fully embrace the anger that’s here? How is it to embrace the fear behind the anger? How is it to embrace the discomfort? How is it to embrace the messiness? How is it to embrace anything in me reacting to what’s coming up?

You are welcome here. You can stay as long as you want. Thank you for protecting me.

Image by me and Midjourney

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 48

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON?

The human mind wants to make sense of things. That’s natural and healthy. It helps us survive.

It can also go a bit further. Our mind can assume that things happen for a reason, and try to find that reason.

That’s often not so helpful, unless we channel it in a constructive way.

Someone dies. And to cope with the grief and pain, our mind may go to just these kinds of thoughts. Why did it happen? Did I do something wrong? Is it a sign? Does life or the divine want to send me a message? That’s the spin of thoughts. That’s our mind trying to make sense out of a difficult situation.

Whatever ideas we come up with are imaginations. It’s not reality.

It’s futile since we cannot know.

Fortunately, there is a more constructive approach. We can make it meaningful for ourselves. We can use the situation and what comes up in us in a meaningful way.

How that looks is up to us.

We can use it to identify and question painful thoughts and identities.

We can use it to deepen empathy with ourselves and others.

We can use it to deepen into following our inner guidance and what feels right to us.

We can use it to reprioritize, to examine our priorities and find our more real and essential priorities.

We can use it as a reminder that we are it, and notice what shifts. If I am this situation – the whole field of experience – what happens with the impulse to make sense of it? (I find it diminishes and looses its charge. It loses identification.)

JANUARY 26, 2024

GRATEFUL TO BE HERE / WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Yes, that sums up my experience pretty well.

I am immensely grateful to be here. Life is amazing. Reality is amazing. Magical. Awe-inspiring. Just that there is anything at all is baffling and beyond comprehension.

At the same time, it’s often challenging. Painful. Confusing. Overwhelming. Humbling. In my case, perhaps especially because of old trauma.

ALL IS OK, ALL IS NOT OK

As consciousness, all is OK. I find myself as primarily consciousness, and that consciousness is always OK. It cannot be touched by its own experience.

As consciousness forming itself into my experience of the world, all is not OK. Being suffer. We have an ecocidal and suicidal civilization. I have made choices in my life I would have done differently if I could.

As usual, there is a lot more to say about this.

It can seem like a paradox at a superficial word level. It’s all OK and not OK at the same time.

And yet, it’s not a paradox since they refer to different things. As consciousness, it’s all inherently OK. As my experience of the world that the consciousness I am forms itself into, there is definitely room for improvement.

My ideas about improvement have both a universal and personal flavor. Beings don’t like to suffer. We can do what we can to create a society that’s more beneficial for everyone in society, our ecosystems, non-human beings, and future generations.

There is also a difference between the big and small interpretation of awakening here, and there is something valuable in the small version.

In the small interpretation of awakening, I know that I cannot assume that my nature is the nature of all of existence. As consciousness here, all may be OK in a certain way. But I cannot assume that all of existence is consciousness (AKA the divine, God) and that all of existence is OK in the same way. To me, that’s an upside since it requires me to be engaged and do my best – in whatever limited way I can – to make things a little better in the world. (For instance, in my case, through working on regeneration right now.)

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Why do people in this healing modality look young?

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In a social media group for Vortex Healing, someone asked why Vortex Healing people seem young for their age.

Here are some answers that come up for me:

It may or may not be true. It may be selection and/or confirmation bias. We may have that idea and look for examples that fit. Or we know people who fit and assume that’s the case for everyone.

If it is true, it’s likely because people who are into healing work tend to live more healthy lives. We tend to value health and healthy living, so we may look a bit younger.

Also, the ones who are into Vortex Healing have resources – money, time, and the ability to focus on something else than day-to-day survival. We are privileged and that tends to be reflected in our lifestyle which, in turn, is reflected in how we look. Privileged people tend to look more healthy and younger.

It’s also possible that Vortex Healing itself – going to classes and giving and receiving healing – does something. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case. It works.

Another side of this is that our culture values youth. We are a culture of change so we value the young. In cultures that are more stable and where things don’t change so much, they tend to value old age and the experience that comes with age. So if we value a healing modality, it makes sense if we want it to do other things we value, like youth.

As usual, I am less interested in the conventional answer to the question (yes, no, because you can work on the telomeres, etc.) than how to think about it. It’s an opportunity to take a sober approach and include the bigger picture.

Image by me and Midjourney

A small synchronicity (?) the day after: I talked with someone who thought I was at least ten years younger than I am.

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Assuming something is healed

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I sometimes hear someone say that they healed this or that.

The question that comes up for me is: how do you know?

ASSUMING SOMETHING IS HEALED

Why would we assume something in us is healed?

It may just be a way to say it, and we know we don’t really know. We don’t nuance it because we know we and others know we can’t know.

It may feel more comforting to tell ourselves something is healed. We may feel we need that comfort.

We may not have enough experience to see how something may appear healed, and then it surfaces again – often in a slightly different form since a lot has changed in us between then and now.

UPSIDES AND DOWNSIDES OF THAT ASSUMPTION

There is an upside to telling ourselves something is healed. It may give us an extra boost and encouragement to keep going. It can give us the confidence we need in that situation.

The downside is that we tell ourselves something we cannot know for certain, and a part of us knows that. It may also make it extra challenging if or when an issue resurfaces, in a way it wouldn’t have been if we held it more as a question.

A RICHER VIEW

In my experience, there are typically layers to a wound, issue, or trauma. It has aspects and wrinkles that we discover over time.

What’s wounded is a part of me. Sometimes, a particular wounded part goes into the background for a while, and other parts – free of the issue – come more into the foreground.

It may be that one aspect of an issue is healed. And there are underlying issues and painful beliefs yet to be explored.

Any issue typically exists within a network of issues. To find a more real healing, we need to explore the network.

HOLDING IT MORE LIGHTLY

I prefer to keep it as a question.

It may appear that an issue is healed. It may be tempting to tell myself it’s healed. But I cannot know for certain.

To me, it’s more honest and comfortable to hold it more lightly. I may notice that a particular issue may not come up as often as before, or it may appear less strong than before. And I don’t really know what’s going on. I cannot know if it’s healed or not, or to what extent it’s healed.

All of that is hidden from me, and that’s fine. I don’t need to know. If it comes up, I’ll explore it. If it doesn’t, that’s fine too.

Image by me and Midjourney

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 45

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

OCTOBER 14, 2023

SUPERSTITIONS WE ALL ENGAGE IN

There is a solar eclipse today where I am, and someone told me to not go outside during the eclipse because it will damage my health. Apparently, that’s what some in India think.

To me, with my Western mind, it doesn’t quite make sense.

If it were true, we would see an upswing in illnesses following a solar eclipse, which would be picked up by the healthcare system. And I am not aware of that. There is nothing in the medical journals, apart from a predictable upswing in eye damage. (There is a small change that there is something in the data that nobody has explored statistically in connection with eclipses, or that there is a delayed manifestation of the illnesses.)

Also, it doesn’t quite make logical sense. A solar eclipse is just the moon getting between the Earth and the sun for a brief period, so a shade is cast on the ground. I don’t see how that could influence us. (Unless there is something in the brief line-up that has nothing to do with the eclipse itself as we experience it with an occultation of the sun.)

To my Western mind, this seems like a superstition someone started to reduce the cases of eye damage at a time before easy access to eclipse glasses. They noticed eye damage from people looking at the sun during an eclipse and started and propagated this rumor to shape people’s behavior. In some cultures, I assume it would be reasonably effective.

Or it’s just the typical old-fashioned superstitions where people make up stories around phenomena they don’t understand. (In this case, where they made up stores before science explained it to us.)

Of course, we still do that. We still individually and collectively make up stories about things we don’t fully understand, whether it’s about ourselves, others, the behavior of someone in our life, the world, or anything else. We try to make sense of things, so we make guesses about the world. These guesses are more or less grounded in solid logic and data. And the world is always more than and different from our stories about it.

OCTOBER 16, 2023

STORIES ABOUT HEALING & AWAKENING

Our minds seem to love to make up stories about healing and awakening, and especially of those we are invested in one way or another.

This session was so powerful! My old issue is completely transformed. This transmission shifts your system in that way. This awakening is forever. And so on.

Personally, I am happy to entertain the possibility of all these things. But I also know that I don’t know. I cannot know for certain. A lot of different things can explain what I observe. And it’s very tempting for the mind to create happy stories so it can feel better about itself, life, and what’s happening.

I also realize that early in the journey, and perhaps with some things, it’s comforting to hold onto desirable stories about what’s happening. And, at some point, it’s more comfortable to hold hold it lightly.

For me, what’s more honest is that I don’t know. I notice I am draw to something, and I do it or don’t do it, and that’s enough. I receive healing sessions from certain people for certain issues at certain times, because it feels right. And that’s enough. I don’t need to create a lot of others stories around it.

HAVE TO / WANT TO

I removed “have to” from my vocabulary a long time ago.

In our culture, “have to” is something we use to make it look as if we didn’t make a choice. Don’t blame me, I am doing it because I have to!

For me, it’s more honest to say that I want to. I don’t “have to” do anything. But I want to do some things.

Someone points a gun at me and tells me to do something, and I choose to do it or not. I pay taxes because I want to, not because I have to. I emerge from diving underwater because I want to breathe air, not because I have to. I rest because I want to, not because I have to. I do things to keep this human self alive and comfortable and avoid too much trouble because I want to, not because I have to.

[Read on for more of these.]

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 44

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

FORGIVENESS

Why would I want to forgive? For me, the answer is that it feels better.

Does forgiveness mean not having boundaries? Not at all. Forgiveness and boundaries go hand in hand.

How can I find forgiveness?

One answer is specific approaches like understanding, heart-centered practices (tonglen, ho’o, metta), inquiry like The Work of Byron Katie, and so on.

Another answer is more general. I find it through finding forgiveness for myself. The more I can forgive myself, and live in that forgiveness, the more I can find forgiveness for others.

Is it easy? Not necessarily. Wounds can go deep, and wounds make it difficult to find genuine forgiveness. Healing opens up for forgiveness. Those two too go hand in hand.

SEPTEMBER 1, 2023

BRAIN FOG

How do I experience the brain fog?

It has several aspects.

It feels like cotton in and around my head.

It makes it difficult to remember.

It makes it difficult to take in information. (And my brain gets tired quickly.)

It makes it difficult to process information.

It makes it difficult to string words together and communicate.

In general, the more drained and exhausted my system is, the less energy there is for my executive cognitive functions. (Thinking, talking, making decisions, intentionally relating to what’s coming up, etc.)

It really seems that life wants to experience brain fog through and as me these days.

The baseline brain fog is from the onset of CFS in my teens, following a mono-infection.

When the CFS dramatically worsened 10-15 years ago, following severe and long-lasting pneumonia, it got a lot worse. My memory got a lot worse after Covid last year. (Teflon brain.)

And I suspect severe Lyme some years ago and septic shock last summer also play a role.

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 43

moe Leave a comment

This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

IS WHAT I WRITE ABOUT HERE MY WHOLE LIFE?

I mostly write about awakening, healing, and CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) here. So if you know me just from these writings, it may seem that this is my whole life.

Of course, from my perspective, it’s quite different. These are aspects of my life, and far from my whole life. Most of the time, I am just living an ordinary life where I go to the store, talk with people about practical things or nothing very important, make or laugh at a joke, enjoy simple things in daily life, deal with ordinary life challenges, and so on.

LIVING WITH A DISABILITY

I live with a disability. (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / CFS.)

It doesn’t mean that it’s who or what I am.

It doesn’t mean it defines me as a whole or fully.

It’s not even close to being all of my life.

It’s a part of my life. It’s something I live with.

That’s just about it.

It’s the same with a lot of other things in my life: my gender, ethnicity, age, education, politics, and so on. It’s part of my life, but it doesn’t define me and it’s not even close to being all of who or what I am.

And none of it is what I more fundamentally am. What I am is what allows all of it, and forms itself into all of it.

POINTER OR PHILOSOPHY?

When I write about my nature, is it philosophy?

In a sense, yes. Anything that’s mirrored in our mental field becomes philosophy.

And a more real answer is that it depends. It depends on the receiver.

If we use it as a practical pointer to look and expore here and now, then it’s a practical pointer.

If we let it stay in the realm of mental representations, then it’s a philosophy.

It’s up to each of us if it’s one or the other.

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 42

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

CONSCIOUSNESS AS A MOVIE SCREEN?

Some people like to use the movie screen analogy for consciousness.

Just like a movie is projected onto a screen without affecting the screen, our consciousness experiences all sorts of things without being affected.

That’s true enough, and the analogy may be useful to highlight just that.

But, in general, I prefer not to use the analogy. It can mislead more than enlighten.

For instance, a screen is physical and consciousness is not. And the light hitting the screen comes from somewhere else while consciousness forms itself into its own experience.

I prefer to use dreams since it’s an example and not an analogy.

To ourselves, we are consciousness, and to us, the world happens within and as the consciousness we are. That happens in dreams and it happens in waking life. Waking life is, in that way, no different from a dream. The difference is that it tends to be a bit more consistent than dreams. There is more continuity there.

WILL AWAKENING TAKE CARE OF TRAUMAS?

Does awakening take care of traumas?

Not necessarily, and perhaps not even typically.

I suspect most still need to actively work on emotional issues and traumas, even within our nature recognizing itself.

At least, that’s how it has been for me. My nature recognizing itself does not give me a free pass.

COMPLETELY HEALED?

I sometimes talk with people early in an awakening or healing process who says: “it’s completely healed”, “it’s gone”, “this technique healed it completely”. (When I say “early”, it may be within the first five or ten or fifteen years of the process depending on a lot of things.)

To me, that seems like wishful thinking. It brings to mind I Ching’s Youthful Folly hexagram.

How can you know? Yes, a certain issue may not seem to be up right now, but how do you know it’s healed? How do you know it won’t come up again later? How do you know there are not more layers? How do you know it’s not connected to a much larger network of similar and supporting issues?

My sense is that with maturity, we learn to hold all of this with a grain of sand. We see it more as questions than statements. We know that the mind sometimes wants things to be over and goes into wishful thinking. (Which can be comforting on the surface and for a while, and also makes the contrast stronger when life goes in another direction. It may also go against our deeper knowing.) We know that life has a way of surprising us.

And we may also see that this is what’s happening during a certain phase of the process. It’s innocent and natural. It’s not wrong. It’s part of the process.

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 41

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

THE DARK NIGHT & LOSING WHAT I FOUND SAFETY IN

For the last fifteen years or so, I have been in a dark night.

It started even further back, when I got married the first time. (Late 1990s.) Then, it got much more dramatic with the return of severe CFS. (Mid/late 2000s.) And it went even deeper when I asked the divine to “show me what’s left” which brought up immense survival fear within a week or so. (Early 2010s.)

It seems a pretty classic dark night, judging from what I have heard from others, and especially what’s described in the “Dark night of the soul” chapter in Evelyn Underhill’s Mysticism.

During this time, I have repeatedly lost what I earlier found safety in. I lost my health. (Severe CFS.) I lost my marriage. I lost my house and car. I lost just about all my belongings. (Including a library of 2000-3000 books about spirituality from all traditions and outside of traditions.) I lost the possibility to stay in my adopted country. (The US.) I lost my excellent memory. I lost my ability to think clearly. I lost friends. I lost my reputation. And so on.

Through all those losses, I have been invited to shift my center of gravity more fully and thoroughly into my nature. And out of holding onto identities for safety, since these come and go.

I have no idea where in that process my system is. I have no idea where in the dark night process my system is. (My guess is 80% through since it feels lighter now, but who knows.) I have no idea how far and thoroughly into my nature my center of gravity is. I have no idea how much is left.

And that’s completely OK. I prefer it that way. It’s aligned with reality since I don’t know any of this for certain. I can only guess, and guesses are just that, guesses. (And inherently painful if I try to pretend for myself they are more certain than they are.)

IS SOME KIND OF DARK NIGHT NECESSARY IN AN AWAKENING PROCESS?

I don’t know, but here is my guess right now:

No, it’s not necessary.

But the process it comes out of, and what it leads to, is necessary.

It’s necessary for everything in our mind-body that’s out of alignment with awakening – a conscious noticing and living from our nature – to align with this. It’s necessary for every part of our psyche to shift out of separation consciousness and into being aligned with our nature as oneness.

It’s necessary for every bit of thought and identity that our mind holds as true, in order to protect us, to wear off, for the charge in them to dissipate, for the mind to see through it and find what’s already more true for us.

And that may require one or more dark nights and one or more kinds of dark nights.

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 40

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

IS AWAKENING “PERMANENT”?

Some talk as if awakening is somehow “permanent”.

I understand why.

When the noticing is here and stable, it seems obvious and unmissable. It seems it will never go away.

Time happens within and as what we are, so how could this go away?

Also, some may go into the thought that it’s permanent to find comfort. They want it to stay, so they tell themselves it will.

And yet, is it true?

Permanence is the story of a future.

I cannot know.

So for me, it’s more peaceful to hold it lightly and keep it open.

Also, I know that there is often an awakening shift, then it goes away (which can be experienced as one kind of dark night), and then it’s refound in a different and more thorough way.

[Made into a regular article]

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 39

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

A LIVING REALITY BEFORE HEARING ABOUT IT

One of the things I am most grateful for on my path is that I lived the essence of what I am writing about here before I read or heard about it. The initial oneness shift happened when I was sixteen, an atheist, and just before World Wide Web (the Internet is older), so it took several years for me to find someone talking or writing about it. And when I did, there was a kind of distance there from the culture and times of the people I found. (It wasn’t until I discovered Adyashanti, Byron Katie, and Douglas Harding many years later that I found someone describing what I had discovered and there was less of a cultural barrier between us.) I had those years just to myself, which gave me the opportunity to explore it without any influences from others.

Almost all of what I write about here is what I discovered or what was revealed to me during that time, with the exception of specific terminology, jargon, and practices.

IT’S ALL IMAGINATION

This is pretty obvious, and it can take some exploration to get it viscerally:

It’s all literally imagination.

We imagine the past. We imagine the future. I can only find the past and the future in my imagination, in my mental field.

We even imagine the present. I have things happening in my sense fields, and my mental field creates an overlay of labels, boundaries, stories, and so on. What happens in the sense fields is a kind of imagination. It’s our brain creating a certain experience based on sensory input. And the mental field overlay is also clearly imagination.

We also imagine ourselves. We have images and stories about who and what we are, and our mind combines these with certain physical sensations that lend it a sense of substance, solidity, and reality.

All our content of experience is imagined.

And that’s fine.

This is often a very useful imagination. It helps us orient and function in the world.

If we don’t recognize it as imagination, we tend to get ourselves into trouble. (Stress, discomfort, misjudgment, and so on.)

And when we recognize it as imagination, we can hold it all more lightly. We use it for what it’s here for, which is to help us orient and navigate in the world. And we don’t assume it holds any final, full, or absolute truth.

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 38

moe Leave a comment

This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

WHAT’S THE MEANING OF LIFE?

This is a question that, in a way, comes from the idea that we are different from the rest of existence.

What’s the meaning of a tree? A star? Water? Air? A dandelion?

The meaning of a tree is to be a tree. The meaning of a star is to be a star.

And the meaning of us is to be us.

It can be quite simple.

We can also say that…

Asking for the meaning suggests that we are not fully engaged in our life. We are not fully enlivened. So what would make us come more alive?

We can find a deep sense of meaning by finding our intimate connection with the rest of existence, with the larger whole.

The meaning of life is for each of us to find what’s meaningful to us. What makes you come alive? What feels deeply right to you? If you could not fail, what would you do?

The question itself is worth looking into. What do I find when I examine the question? Or underlying thoughts, like: “My life is not meaningful”, “I am not enough”.

SEEKING AWAKENING?

Seeking awakening is often not (only) about seeking awakening.

What do I hope to get out of awakening? And out of that? And out of that?

It can be helpful to identify what we imagine we’ll get out of it, and look at our strategies for finding that.

Maybe there are other strategies that make as much or more sense?

For instance, we may wish to find love, acceptance, peace, rest, coming home, freedom from discomfort, and so on.

If that’s the case, shifting our relationship with our content of experience, in general, is often a more direct and effective strategy.

Finding healing for our relationship with anything, inviting in healing for our traumas and wounds, and questioning our stressful thoughts, is more likely to get us what we want.

And to deeply do this, it does help to find our more fundamental nature. It creates a different context for these explorations.

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 37

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

INNER GUIDANCE VS DIVINE WILL

Is our inner guidance the voice of divine will? Yes and no.

In my experience, my inner guidance shows me what’s right for me, and what’s in alignment with me and my path and life. It’s what’s kind and wise in the moment. It tends to be an easier path, not because it is free of challenges (there may still be challenges), but because it feels deeply right. It’s often aligned with what makes sense to me consciously. And sometimes, it’s different, and if I follow it, it will eventually make sense.

Divine will is different. Divine will is what happens and what is. Whatever is, is the divine will.

Sometimes, the divine will is for me to follow my guidance.

And sometimes, the divine will is for me to not follow my guidance. In my case, typically when I am caught up in unloved fears and unexamined painful beliefs and identities.

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Befriending our younger selves

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My partner and I are both in a process of befriending our younger selves, at a time when that younger self needed support.

For her, it’s relatively early childhood, and for me, it’s early and mid-teens.

I spend time with that version of me that’s struggling and has low self-esteem, social anxiety, feels isolated, not seen and understood, wants to hide, and so on.

I am with him. I sometimes have a dialog with him and listen to him and his fears and dreams. I see him and understand him. I am a mentor to him and share what I have learned from living longer and seeing what’s possible. I invite him to explore how it is to feel loved, connected, and follow his passion.

A few times, I have used tonglen with him. I visualize him in front of me, I breathe in his suffering and confusion as black smoke, and breathe out light that fills him and he becomes that light.

And mostly, I am just with him.

When I check in, I notice how he is changing. There was a noticeable shift relatively early on, and now a slower shift. He needs time to readjust and realign, and that’s more than OK.

Why do I do this? When I look back through my timeline, this was the period with the most confusion and suffering, and who I was then is still with me. He is still a part of me. So it makes sense for me to befriend him and help him heal and find a healthier more enjoyable version of himself.

How do I do it? I have already mentioned a few things. I visualize and connect with him. I spend time with him. I ask him questions and listen to him. I dialog with him. I share with him what I have discovered since. I recognize him as having my nature. (To me, he is consciousness, a form within the consciousness I am.) I allow him to be exactly as he is, and find love for him as he is. I do some tonglen with him, after first asking if it’s OK. I shift into Big Heart and find him as love and bathe him in love and allow him to soak in it and realign within it.

I have done this for a couple of weeks now and will continue since he still appreciates some active support.

Note: This is a general outline and there are a lot more wrinkles in the actual exploration. For instance, I noticed a part of me that doesn’t like this particular younger version of me. (Which is understandable since it was a difficult period of my life.) So I am including that part of me in this exploration. I listen to it. Find understanding. Am with it. And so on.

Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 36

moe Leave a comment

This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

WHY DO SOME NOT LIKE PSYCHOLOGY OR THERAPY?

A long time ago, I mentioned to my father that I planned to study psychology, and he responded: “People who study psychology or go to therapy often get weird”. He likely meant that they often live a life more free of shoulds and social norms, and are less invested in following shoulds and social norms. And that seemed threatening to him.

To me, weird is wonderful. (As Adya’s mum told him.) And being free of shoulds and social norms seems like a good deal as well. I can be free of them, or more free of them, and still follow my inner guidance, what makes sense, what seems most kind, and so on.

In general, why do some not like psychology or therapy?

I assume there may be many reasons.

They may be familiar with approaches to psychology that reflect a cynical view of humans. In that case, I would be cautious as well. These approaches tend to be outdated.

They may know that they harbor unprocessed psychological material they are not ready to face, and even the thought of psychology or therapy seems scary to them. That’s completely fine. There is a time for everything. And it’s also good to be honest about it.

They may suspect it can bring about major life changes, and they are not prepared to make those changes. They prefer to live their life-lie. Again, this is completely fine. There is a time and place for everything.

They may, as my father, see therapy as a way for people to be freer from shoulds and norms, and if they are invested in shoulds and norms and have made an identity and ideology out of following them, then that can seem threatening.

They may assume that therapy involves the therapist imposing a different way of thinking, feeling, and living on them, and they want to keep their autonomy. Some therapists may try to do this, but good ones don’t. They invite you to find your own way and what works for you. They support you in becoming more you.

Just to be clear, I don’t think therapy is for everyone, and any one approach to therapy is certainly not for everyone. But I do think it’s helpful to clarify these things and be reasonably honest about it.

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Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 35

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This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

AGE OR LIFESTYLE?

Since early in life, I have suspected that what many attribute to age is really about lifestyle, whether it’s poor memory, bad physical shape, being set in one’s ways, or similar.

As kids, we learn every day and are physically active every day. (At least most are, biking, running, climbing trees, and so on.) We train ourselves to learn, and we stay physically fit. We try out new things and seek out new experiences.

Later in life, many don’t learn as much and are less physically active, so there is no wonder if this is reflected in our mind and body.

Also, I suspect much of what we think of as typical for older age has to do with the weight of wound-conditioning that’s been with us for decades – traumas, emotional issues, unquestioned painful beliefs, limiting identities, and so on. (These are all names for essentially the same dynamics.)The longer we carry these with us, the more strongly they impact our mind and body.

RURAL VS CITY LIVING AND MY SLEEP & WAKE CYCLE

Since early in life, I have noticed that my sleep patterns are quite different in nature versus in the city.

If I am in nature, for instance at the cabin in Norway or at Finca Milagros, I naturally go to sleep early and wake up early. I tend to wake up around 5am. (This is even more pronounced the times I sleep in nature in a tent or outside.)

If I am in a more urban environment, it’s more tempting for me to stay up late and wake up later. (It’s a tendency, and one I often intentionally counter since I feel better if I wake up early after a good night’s sleep.)

This is not a very profound insight, and it’s probably something many have noticed. But it is interesting.

I imagine our ancestors slowed down and slept when it got dark, and woke up when it got light to make full use of daylight hours. That pattern kicks in when we live in nature, even if we live indoors in nature.

And it gets skewed by city living and a stronger disconnect from nature.

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Weeding the garden: Supporting the natural self-healing processes of the mind

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To Turcich, the walk was a seven-year meditation, particularly the first two years, which were more solitary. As he walked, so much was going through his mind – his history, his values, his hopes. It all came to a head in the deserts of Peru and Chile. “I was on my own so much, just with my thoughts. The way I describe it is like weeding your garden. You don’t realise it, but your head is full of these weeds and when you’re walking, you’re on your knees pulling weeds. After about a year and a half, when I was down in south Peru, I felt like I’d thought all the thoughts, and the garden was clean. There was no more angst, no regrets, nothing I could pick through. I was in the Atacama desert, lying under a million stars, and it felt I was at the bottom of myself. All the doubts went.”

– The Guardian, The man who walked around the world: Tom Turcich on his seven-year search for the meaning of life

I haven’t walked around the world but love walking and I have noticed what he describes.

ALLOWING THE MIND TO SETTLE

If you put yourself in a situation where you don’t have too many (modern) distractions, the mind tends to settle on its own. This can be through walking, spending time in nature, doing art, playing music, meditation or mindful movement practice, or something else.

The shift can happen relatively quickly and may not last that long. Or it can gradually happen over time and be more lasting, for instance, through regular meditation practice, doing a meditation or mindful movement retreat, or walking for weeks or months.

SELF-HEALING PROCESS OF THE MIND

Just like our body, our mind is self-healing. Its dynamics are self-healing.

A part of that dynamic is to bring anything unresolved to the surface. What’s unfelt comes up to be felt, what’s unexamined to be examined, what’s unloved to be loved.

So although our mind, when less distracted, engages in a self-healing process, it’s not always pleasant.

Sometimes, when we start a period that’s more undistracted, it can be very uncomfortable. A lot of smaller issues and mental noise come to the surface and it takes time for the mind to naturally settle.

And sometimes, we can have long quiet periods, and then old issues activate and come to the surface.

(In my case, I found meditation very enjoyable in my teens and twenties and did it daily for hours at a time. More recently, at the onset of the dark night, a lot of deep trauma came to the surface which made it far more challenging for me to be with all of it.)

WHAT HAPPENS?

I am not exactly sure what’s happening, but here is my best guess:

Our mind has a natural self-healing tendency. When we are less distracted and mentally busy, this self-healing process is allowed to take place.

And that self-healing process takes a few forms.

As mentioned above, it involves feeling what’s unfelt (emotions, states), seeing what’s unseen (about ourselves, our role in situations), examining what’s unexamined (stressful stories), and finding love for what’s unloved (all of the above and more).

It involves shifting our relationship to stressful stories. We may identify stressful stories we were not aware of previously, which in itself is helpful. (If we are not aware of them, they run us. If we are aware of them, we can recognize them and relate to them more intentionally.)

We may come to recognize the stories for what they are. They are stories, questions about the world. They leave a lot out, and they are often not accurate. Holding onto them is stressful. And what’s genuinely more true for us is often more peaceful.

We may also learn to meet our experiences with more kindness. We may notice that a lot of our discomfort comes from struggling with our experience. And we may try out meeting it with more kindness and find it’s more comfortable and also helps us in our daily life. It’s more pleasant, kind, and wise.

We may also learn to meet our habitual patterns with more kindness. We recognize our mind and behavioral patterns. We may see that some were formed in response to difficult situations in our childhood. We may disidentify a little with these patterns, and find some compassion for ourselves. (And others, since they have their own.) And we may find a way to relate to these more consciously, even as they come up.

Something else may also happen through being with ourselves in a relatively undistracted manner and over time. And that is that we shift our relationship with our human self. We may notice that all content of experience comes and goes, including what we took ourselves to be. (This human self, these feelings, these thoughts, this name, these stories). If it all comes and goes, it can’t be what I most fundamentally am. So what am I, more fundamentally? What am I in my own first-person experience? Here, we may find ourselves as what any content of experience happens within and as. We find ourselves as the field that the world, to us, happens within and as.

All of this can happen naturally if we are undistracted over time. It seems part of the natural self-healing processes of the mind (and body). And it all either brings healing or supports healing.

SUPPORTING THE PROCESS

We can support this natural self-healing process in several ways.

The main one is to allow ourselves to be with ourselves in a relatively undistracted way, regularly and over time. This provides the condition for the self-healing process to take place. And we can do it in many ways, as outlined above. (Go for walks, knit, paint, play music, be in nature, play with children or animals, meditate, do mindful movement, go on a retreat, and so on.)

Receiving guidance for meditation is helpful. This can be basic meditation. (Notice and allow what’s here as it is, and notice it’s already allowed and noticed.) Heart-centered practices. (Tonglen, ho’oponopono, Heart Prayer, Christ meditation, etc.)

Training more stable attention helps this process, and just about anything else, enormously. (For instance, bring attention to the sensation of the breath at the nostrils. Rest in noticing those sensations. And gently bring attention back if it wanders.)

We can also be guided in more structured inquiry, and learn this for ourselves. We can learn to identify and examine stressful thoughts. (The Work of Byron Katie.) We can explore how the sense fields combine to create our experience. (Kiloby Inquiries, traditional Buddhist inquiry.) We can also find what we more fundamentally are, and get more familiar with noticing and living from (and as) it. (Headless experiments, Big Mind process.)

AN EVOLUTIONARY PERSPECTIVE

As usual, I find an evolutionary perspective helpful.

We evolved in nature and as part of nature, in relatively small groups, and to be active with our hands and body. We gathered food. Carried water. Chopped wood. Grew food. Sew and knitted clothes.

It’s only the recent generations that we have lived in a modern world with cities, apartments, a faster pace, and modern gadgets.

Our biology and mind evolved in nature, and many of us are living in a world that’s quite different.

I imagine that the natural self-healing process of our mind was allowed to unfold more freely for our ancestors. Even if they were active, they were typically less distracted and more focused on what was in front of them, so their mind had space to process and self-heal. (At least, to some extent.) In our modern life, we are typically so hurried and distracted (with the internet, news, podcasts, music, etc.) that our mind doesn’t have the same chance.

To give our mind that space, we need to recreate or mimic the life of our ancestors. It doesn’t necessarily mean living in nature and growing our own food. But it does mean engaging in more meditative activities, and perhaps arranging our life so these happen naturally as part of our daily life.

CAVEATS

Outlined like this, it all sounds relatively simple and straightforward.

But simple does not mean easy. It can still be challenging. (It is for me, with all the trauma that came up.) And that’s why it’s helpful to find support. It helps to find a group of people doing the same.

This process tends to bring up what’s buried. If we start on this process, for instance with meditation or mindful movement, and we know we have trauma, it’s good to have guidance from someone skilled in working with trauma, and ideally to have that support and guidance from the beginning before anything comes up.

And traumas and issues may come up that require more attention than just giving our mind space to heal. We may need more focused therapy, in whatever form is available to us and makes the most sense to us. (Talk therapy, somatic therapy, energy work, inquiry, and so on.)

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Visualize the other as healed, whole, wise, and kind, and have a dialog

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Dialog is an important part of many approaches to healing.

And this includes a dialog with parts of ourselves, or with people from our past, in the world, creatures from mythology, dream characters, animals, plants, landscapes, or anything else. These all represent current parts of ourselves.

THE PROCESS

I have a version I find very helpful:

Identify someone from your past (or present) you have a difficult or unresolved relationship with.

Visualize that person as healed, whole, wise, and kind. Visualize a mature version of that person.

Dialog with that person. Tell her or him how you feel about your relationship or what happened in the past. Listen for their answer. Continue with the dialog as it naturally unfolds.

Ask them about their experience and listen to their answer. Ask them how they experienced you. Ask them how they would like your relationship to be. And so on.

Keep it real and authentic, and remember that the other is stably healed, whole, wise, and kind.

You can also spend time in silence with that person, or hug and rest in that for a while.

Continue until you experience a deeper resolution and perhaps even peace.

AN EXAMPLE FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE

I did this with some bullies from school and was surprised by some of what they said, how authentic it all felt, and the sense of resolution that came out of it. (They told me about their own pain from family problems, that they saw me as rejecting them, and so on.)

It obviously didn’t heal everything around the situation. In response to the original situation, my mind created deeper coping patterns (wanting to hide, etc.) that require more exploration. But it did shift how I consciously relate to the original situation and people.

When I look back at it now, it feels and seems quite different. I have far more peace with it.

HOW DOES IT WORK?

I imagine some may say: But it’s not true. The other person is not like that. It’s fake. If I do this, I would just deceive myself.

Yes, it may not be true in a conventional sense and in the world. The other person may not be like that. And that’s fine. This is about your own inner process.

The other person represents a side of you. And that side of you has the potential to be whole, healed, kind, and wise. You are tapping into that potential. You are helping that side of you find how it is when it’s more whole, healed, kind, and wise, and you get a sense of how it is.

Also, this is about gaining insight into the situation. How would a whole, healed, kind, and wise person see the situation? What would she or he say? What would that person say, if she or he was healed, kind, and mature?

Finally, we all have the potential to be that way. All the different sides of us have that potential. And each of us as an individual has that potential. It’s in us all. This exploration reminds us of that.

Finding healing for our relationship with a wound vs finding healing for the wound itself

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When we talk about healing psychological wounds, there are two sides to it.

Most people think about healing the wound itself.

And yet, in my experience, healing my relationship with the wound is equally if not more important.

HEALING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOUND

If I struggle with a wound – if I see it as a problem, just want it to go away, go into reactivity to it, identify with it and perceive and live as if I am it, and so on – then my relationship with it is not yet healed.

So how do I find healing for my relationship with a wound?

Exploring the wound itself tends to help me shift my relationship with it. I may identify the painful story (stories) behind it, examine these, and find what’s more true for me. I can dialog with the wound (from the perspective as the wound) and see what it has to say, how it experiences my relationship with it, and how it would like me to relate to it. I can find how it’s trying to protect me and see it comes from care and love. And so on.

I can also use heart-centered practices to shift my relationship with it. My favorites tend to be ho’oponopono and tonglen. I can use tonglen with the wound or myself having the wound, and also with my reactivity to the wound and myself having that reactivity.

I can examine my stressful thoughts about the wound. What stressful stories do I have about it? What do I fear may happen? What’s the worst that can happen? What do I find when I examine these stories? What’s more true and real for me?

Similarly, I can examine my self-talk around the issue. What do I tell myself about it? What’s a more kind and constructive (and real) way to talk with myself about it? How is it to explore that? How is it to make it into a new habit?

I can find the need behind the wound. What does that part of me need? How is it to give it to the wound and myself here and now? (Mostly, the need is something essential and universal like safety, support, understanding, and love.)

I can be open about it with myself and others. Yes, I have this wound. This is how it has affected me and my life in the past, and this is how I have related to it in the past. Now, I am finding a different relationship with it and I am exploring how that is. (And I may, and probably will, still go into the old patterns now and then. I wish to be patient and kind with myself and this process.)

I can notice that the wound – and my reactivity to it – is happening within my sense fields. I can find it in my sensations, as physical sensations in the body, and in my mental field as labels, interpretations, and stories about it. This helps deconstruct it and see how my mind creates its experience of it all. I also get to see that it’s all happening within my sense fields and I cannot find it any other place.

That helps me notice that I am capacity for it all, I am capacity for all of these experiences as I am capacity for any and all experience. And it’s all happening within and as what I am. Its nature is the same as my nature.

I can then shift into the perspective of my wound (become the wound for a while) and notice my nature as the wound. And I can shift into my (painful) relationship with the wound and notice my nature as that relationship. This helps the wound and my painful relationship with it to wake up to its nature and realign with oneness. And that tends to take some of the charge out of it.

THE EFFECTS OF SHIFTING MY RELATIONSHIP WITH A WOUND

When I am caught up in a struggle with a wound, it’s stressful, uncomfortable, and painful. The sanity and kindness that’s here in me, and all of us, become less available.

And when I shift my relationship with it, it may still be here but it’s also different. It’s easier to recognize it as a part of me, as an object within consciousness. I can relate to it with a little more intention and awareness. I am less caught up in it.

And, after a while, it may be like an old friend coming to visit. Hello, you are here again. Thanks for visiting. You are welcome to stay. We are here together. You and I have the same nature.

When my relationship with the wound shifts, the wound doesn’t have to shift. It can come and go and it’s OK.

Read on for an AI take on this topic.

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How I visualize when I channel for distance healing

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When I channel for myself or others, how do I experience and visualize it?

VISUALIZATION

If I channel for someone else, I ask and visualize the divine doing the work. I make myself and my system available, set an intention, notice what happens to adjust the intention, and the divine is doing all the actual work. (It’s of course doing all the work since it’s all of it including what I take as me.)

I also visualize who or what (an organ, issue, etc.) I am channeling for as the divine, and the divine reorganizing itself. It’s the divine – in the form of what I am channeling for – reorganizing itself.

EXPERIENCE

The experience changes a bit over time and during the session.

I usually get a sense of what I am channeling for through a combination of sensations in my own body and visual images. During the healing session, I usually get different types of information and a sense of what’s happening.

I usually experience the intensity of the energy through the strength of the sensations in my body. And I know that what I am sensing is how the energy is running through my own system and what blocks it’s hitting here. It’s not necessarily saying anything about how strong it is for the recipient.

ONENESS

To me, this is all happening within and as the oneness I am.

There is not any distance inherent in it.

When I sense, I sense sensations in my own body.

And even when I visualize the healing happening “over there”, that “over there” is also happening here and now. It’s happening in my visual images. And it’s happening within and as what I am.

Of course, outside of my experience, there may well be a person here and a person here. And yet, to me, it’s all happening within and as the oneness I am.

TEENS AND NOW

I discovered I could see and sense energies, pick up information at a distance, and invite the divine to reorganize itself “over there” (distance healing) in my mid-teens.

It came as part of the shift into the oneness I am noticing itself, and noticing the world as it appears to me as happening within and as the oneness I am.

I did some healing off and on for some years, but only rarely and for close family and friends. I rarely talked about it.

Some years ago, I got into Vortex Healing and I have channeled more since then. The essence of how I visualize and experience it is the same now and then, as I best can tell.

DESCRIPTIVE NOT PRESCRIPTIVE

This is obviously just my experience and what I write about here is a description.

It’s not an instruction or how anyone else should do it, needs to do it, or even what works best.

It’s how it happens to be for me and it may well shift and change.

Awakening and self-esteem

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In a social media group, someone asked if awakening helps with low self-esteem.

My answer – as usual – would be yes, no, and it depends.

NO – ISSUES DON’T NECESSARILY GO AWAY

Low self-esteem comes from emotional issues. They come from beliefs creating an identity and emotional issues. Those may not go away even if our nature notices itself.

It’s perfectly possible, and very normal, for our nature to notice itself and for us to generally live from and as that noticing, and still have many emotional issues. These will inevitably color our perception and life in the world, even if there is a general kind of awakening here.

YES – IT CAN HELP US RELATE TO IT DIFFERENTLY

Yes, awakening may help.

Awakeness helps us relate to what comes up – including those issues – differently. It’s easier to recognize them as issues and not get so caught up in them.

It’s also easier to recognize their nature, and that they have and are our nature, which also helps us shift how we relate to them. This gives us that interesting experience of oneness (it’s what I am and everything is to me) and distinction (it happens within and as what I am, it’s an emotional issue).

And, as mentioned above, these issues will still inevitably color our perception and life, and we may still get caught up in them.

HEALING AND AWAKENING GO HAND IN HAND

This is why healing and awakening go hand in hand.

Healing makes it easier for the oneness we are to keep noticing itself without getting distracted by issues. The fewer issues, the fewer of these distractions. (And these apparently distractions are really life bringing our attention to something that needs healing.)

Healing helps us operate from fewer issues coloring our perception and life. Any dormant issue will color our perception and life. (As is obvious when you look at the life of many who generally live from awakening.)

And awakening makes it easier for us to relate to our issues more consciously, to recognize them as expressions of the oneness we are, and invite them to reorganize within a conscious noticing of this oneness. This requires intention and skill and doesn’t come on its own.

IT DEPENDS

And that’s where “it depends” comes in.

Whether awakening helps us with our emotional issues, including low self-esteem, depends on how we make use of the awakening. It depends on intention, experience, training, and skill.

It doesn’t come on its own. It doesn’t come for free. It requires work.

And it’s ongoing. It’s not something that’s fixed once and for all.

There is no place where we arrive and where this is not a theme anymore. (At least not in this life.)