Forgetting which part of the field I am supposed to be

Just about any experience highlights certain features of who and what I am.

It highlights certain parts of me as a human being in the world, and it highlights certain parts of my nature. And sometimes, experiences come that highlight a certain feature very clearly.

FORGETTING WHICH PART OF IT ALL I AM SUPPOSED TO BE

About fifteen years ago, in a Breema class in Eugene, Oregon, one of these strong highlighting experiences happened.

I was giving Breema to another Breema student on the floor in front of the fireplace in Asha’s house. I found myself as the field of experience that I am, and everything in the sense fields – the bodies, the Persian rug, the fireplace, the walls, the sounds, the smells – happened within and as the field.

And I also forgot which part of the field I was supposed to be.

Somewhere in me, I knew I was supposed to be something in particular within this field of experience. But I couldn’t access what it was supposed to be.

Was it the rug? The walls? The body on the floor? The body I could see only legs and arms of?

In regular time, this lasted perhaps just a few seconds, or maybe even just a fraction of a second. It brought up some anxiety in me, and that snapped me back into remembering.

I was supposed to be this body that I could only see arms, legs, and parts of the upper body of.

HIGHLIGHTING FEATURES OF WHO AND WHAT I AM

I have had several similar experiences where I forget which part of the field of experience I am supposed to be, although this one stands out.

Even at the time, perhaps fifteen years ago, I was familiar with myself as this field of experience. As the field of sound, taste, smell, movement, sensations, and mental representations.

So what was new? What stood out to me was that I forgot which part of this field I was supposed to be, in a conventional sense and in order to function in the world. That side of it was gone.

And that highlighted that it takes effort to remember those things. It’s an active part of the mind that helps me remember that I am supposed to be this particular human self. The one I can only see parts of, and only can see more of in the mirror or in a photo. The one my passport tells me I am and others tell me I am.

The experience also highlighted the differentiation between the two. I can find myself as the field while forgetting I am supposed to be this particular human self. And the reverse is also possible, to some extent.

WHAT’S THE FUNCTION OF THESE EXPERIENCES?

These experiences help me clarify parts of who and what I am. They someyimes show me something in an undeniable way.

For instance, when I was sixteen, the initial awakening shift showed me – this field I am – that all without exception is God. It’s all consciousness. To me, the whole field of experience is consciousness and there is no center anywhere. Everything and nothing is a center.

It was undeniable. And although that noticing never went away, the clarity of that initial shift created a kind of reference.

Similarly, many experiences also highlight features of who I am. I get to see different sides of my psyche.