I have been sick for some days now, with a lot of discomfort off and on.
The symptoms include nausea, aches, headache, dizziness, sometimes extremely sore throat, shivers/sweating, general sickness feeling, and so on, and I am not sure if it’s “just” a flu or covid.
What’s the reality of it?
What’s the reality of this situation?
It’s that I have a virus that most likely will pass in a few days.
I am in a beautiful apartment in Oslo, at the edge of the forest, by a river.
I have a grocery store two minutes away, and money to buy food.
I have people who can help me if it’s needed.
I have access to excellent healthcare.
This kind of reality check is good medicine when the mind goes into self-pity, fearful thoughts, and so on. In this situation, it doesn’t go there much, but it’s still helpful to remind myself of the reality.
What’s the worst that can happen?
What’s the worst that can happen?
I’ll die, which will be an adventure. It’s OK if that happens.
I’ll get worse from my CFS. That’s more of a concern. Even then, I’ll be taken care of one way or another.
It’s OK. And the fear I notice far back in my mind about it is OK too.
It will pass
I notice that what I love about it is that it will pass. (Didn’t Byron Katie say something about that?)
It will pass since everything passes. What comes together falls apart. That’s how this world is put together, and it seems to be one of the biggest struggles we mammals with abstract thinking has.
I make a point out of reminding myself of this, whether I am in a situation my personality likes or doesn’t like. It helps me struggle less with both – holding onto one and trying to make the other go away.
What’s actually here?
My mind tells itself there is strong discomfort, and sometimes less strong discomfort.
When I look more directly at my experinece, I find something else.
I find wast space and spaciousness.
I find a few sensations here and there happening within this wast space.
I find they spacious. They are made up of this space.
At least here and now, when I actually notice what’s here in my sense fields, it’s OK. It’s fine. It’s not nearly as dramatic as my mind sometimes talks to itself about it.
Anchoring attention in sensations is sometimes good medicine.
My mind projects it into the future
Right now, I feel sick and am mostly in bed, unable to do much. I am unable to do the projects I had planned for this week. I am unable to take care of things or my life beyond just resting, drinking lots of water, and eating a minimal amount.
My mind has a tendency to take these images of what’s here and put them into an imagined future.
That’s very understandable. It wants to protect me and take care of me.
It’s also a pattern I recognize from the past, especially from CFS/ME crashes.
So I notice it, notice it comes from wanting to protect me and from love, and see it for what it is.
I assume because of that, that pattern is now more like a ghost. A faint echo of a pattern that used to have more energy and apparent substance to it. (And that can change, of course.)
It’s very understandable
My personality does sometimes struggle with what’s happening now.
It’s not OK with it, and that’s OK. It’s very understandable.
We are mammals and don’t like discomfort and illness. Our bodymind is programmed over innumerable generations, likely back to our very first ancestors at the beginning of Earth life, to not enjoy it, and be motivated to make it go away. We are programmed to seek to either make the apparent cause of discomfort to go away (in this case, the illness), or get away from it.
That’s beautiful. This is what has kept all my ancestors alive for long enough to have offspring, which is a miracle in itself. There is love here. A desire to protect.
It’s one part of me
When a part of me comes up that’s unhappy about what’s here, want it to go away, complain about it, project it into the future, and so on, it’s a reminder that these are parts.
They are far from all of me. And they all come and go in terms of being vocal and on the surface.
Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me.
Being kind with my experience
This all ties into being kind with my experience, including the discomfort and the sensations my mind understands as discomfort.
Why being kind with it? Because anything else hurts. It just makes it worse.
And this includes being kind to myself when the reactive/complaining/fearful parts of me come up, and I sometimes go along with them. That deserves kindness too. It’s very human.
It’s universal
Being sick is a universal experience. We all get sick. We – living beings – get sick now and then.
Again, it’s not wrong. It’s part of how life is set up.
So when I feel sorry for myself, it can be expanded into empathy. This is how others experience it too, when they are sick. This is sometimes how it is to be a living being, whether it’s a human, cat, lizard, fish, or something else.
This too helps me. It’s not just about me. This is universal.
We are in it together, and there is a beauty in that.
Giving it over to the divine
I sometimes give it all over to the divine – the illness, symptoms, my fears, the way this personality responds to it, my life, and so on.
And that’s a reminder that it all already belongs to the divine. It’s not mine, in that sense. It belongs to live. It’s all local and temporary expressions of existence itself. It’s not wrong.
It’s part of life expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways. It’s part of existence expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways.
Noticing what I am
Many of the earlier notes have touched on this, and I have held back from going there since I wanted to save it for last.
This is all happening within and as what I am. The space I am forms itself into all of it. The awakeness I am forms itself into all of it.
That’s good to notice. None of what’s happening touches what I am.
Becoming familiar with this
All of this has been here during these days of being sick, although some of it has been far in the distance and only as a hint. Nothing else was needed. (For instance, exploring “what’s the worst that can happen?”.)
After all, it’s “just” a flu or covid and I will most likely be fine.
Still, I notice and actively engage with all of this now and then. It’s good to get into the habit.
In an awakening process, it’s common to – at some point – experience waking life as a dream. Our human self can initially respond to this in different ways, and it does become ordinary over time.
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS
I assume that a common experience on the awakening path is to recognize the dreamlike nature of reality. The world seems dreamlike. This is something specific and clear, and it’s relatively easy to understand why we have this experience.
Whether we notice or not, our nature is consciousness. We are, in our own experience, consciousness, and the world – as it appears to us – happens within and as the consciousness we are. The consciousness we are forms itself into this whole field of experience which includes this human self, anything associated with this human self (thoughts, emotions, states, identities, identifications), and the wider world.
Dreams happen within and as the consciousness we are. That’s something most of us notice. What fewer consciously notice is that waking life does too. All our experiences, whether asleep or awake, happen within and as the consciousness we are, whether we notice or not.
That’s why, when we notice our nature (when our nature notices itself), reality can seem dreamlike. We recognize that waking life is just like dreams. They all happen within and as this awake space we are.
This can be slightly disturbing to our human self, or not. In either case, it becomes ordinary over time.
MY EXPERIENCE
For me, the dreamlike nature of reality came to the foreground in two phases.
First, when I was fifteen, the world – just about all content of experience including thoughts, feelings, etc. – went far away. Identification was only left in the observer, which was one part of the content of experience. Everything felt dreamlike and it was very disturbing to this human self.
Then, a year later, there was a shift into oneness and everything was revealed as consciousness. Or, as I thought of it then – and still find valid – everything was revealed as Spirit, God, including this human self and anything associated with this human self. In other words, everything is dreamlike. What before had been disturbing was now beyond amazing to this human self.
These days, the dreamlike nature of reality is still noticed and unavoidable, and this human self and psyche are more used to it. It’s a lived-in world at this point, and still as amazing.
Why does reality have a dreamlike nature? It’s because, to myself, I am consciousness, and the world to me happens within and as the consciousness I am. To me, the world appears as if made of consciousness.
And I assume it’s like that for you too, whether you notice or not.
A FEW MORE NOTES
As usual, there is a lot more to say about this.
The world may have a dreamlike nature, and I still need to be a good steward for my own life. For my own sake, and for the sake of others – dreamlike as they may appear – I need to be a good steward and treat others as I would like to be treated.
There are many ways to understand this shift into oneness and the noticing the dreamlike nature of reality. Some may, as I do here, understand it from a first-person perspective and not draw conclusions about the nature of reality itself. (Small understanding of awakening.) Others may draw conclusions about the nature of reality and assume existence itself IS consciousness. (Big understanding of awakening.)
There is another sense in which waking life is similar to dreams for me. When I work with dreams, I see everyone and everything in the dream as representing parts of me. I do the same with waking life. I use the world as a mirror. I can take any story I have about anyone or anything, turn it to be about me, and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true.
THE PERSONAL AND UNIVERSAL
Why do I write about this?
I share because I assume there is something universal in all of my experiences. I assume others have similar experiences and explore this in a similar way.
It makes it worth putting it out there to say that (a) this can happen and it’s part of the human experience, (b) it’s likely not that unusual, (c) you are not alone if you experience or notice something similar, and (d) it says something about our nature and it’s something we can intentionally explore.
Note: I wrote the second section first, in January this year. I later found it among many unpublished posts and decided to publish it with some additions.
I see these kinds of articles and comments now and then.
THE MANY IMAGES OF GOD
Often, they seem to assume that everyone has the same image of God as they do, which seems odd. Even within the same religion, there are many different images of God. Sometimes, they are radically different.
THE GIFTS IN EACH IMAGE OF GOD
All images of God are images, and they each have gifts and shortcomings.
They reflect a culture, a time, a worldview. They give us a focus, sense of belonging (if they are shared with others), a sense of coherence, maybe even a sense of knowing – whether justified or not.
THE DILEMMAS INHERENT IN PARTICULAR IMAGES OF GOD
I also notice that the dilemmas many experience in relation to God often come from their particular image of God.
That’s why it makes sense to…
Make that image explicit and conscious
Look at the consequences of having that particular image, and the dilemmas that stem from it
Acknowledge that others have other images of God, even people within the same religion as you
And perhaps explore those images and see whether one or some of them make more sense to you
I notice that many of the classic dilemmas within Christianity stem from the sky-god image of God. Of God as somehow separate from this world, with a few interactions here and there. For instance, it then becomes something you have to believe in. You have to take someone’s word for it. And that, in itself, creates a lot of problems.
Of course, other images of God come with their own limitations and dilemmas. That’s fine. And it’s good for us to acknowledge and explore all of that.
REALITY IS ALWAYS MORE THAN OUR IDEAS ABOUT IT
Reality is always more than and different from our ideas about it. Our ideas are maps – imaginations – that help us orient and live in the world. They do not hold any final or absolute truth. That’s not their function.
And that’s the case with our images of God as well. Our ideas are imaginations. They help us orient and function in certain ways. They have certain effects. They are maps, not the terrain.
So why not choose one – or a set – that makes sense to us? That guide us to live as we would like to live? That are in integrity for us? (For instance, that don’t require us to pretend that something is true when we know we cannot know for certain? Or even are aligned with science and scientific methods?)
GOD = EXISTENCE AS A WHOLE
Personally, I prefer to define God as reality, as existence as a whole.
I don’t know what that entails, of course, but it means that I see this world – the world I am familiar with and my experiences – as part of the divine. It’s all God expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways, including as what’s here right now. I am one of innumerable local and temporary organs for the divine. And that goes for all beings.
That makes sense to me. There is nothing to believe in. It’s right here now. And it keeps everything else open – the possibility of life before and after this life, reincarnation, angels, effects of prayers, and so on. Those are all possible with that image, and not required. They become something to explore.
I am not a subscriber to The Atlantic so I haven’t read the full article, But it does seem to be an example of what I am talking about here.
She starts with a particular image of God, which has problems and limitations inherent in it, and then tries to find solutions to those problems. If I were in her situation, I would question my image first, before trying to find ad hoc solutions to the problems that stem from that particular image.
I like that as a question. If I follow my inner guidance or knowing, and if I am authentic, I will inevitably disappoint society one way or another. I will disappoint my internalized society. (The Über Ich / over-I as Freud called it). It’s good to notice, and it’s good to be in the habit of disappointing this society.
If something feels right, if my inner guidance or knowing points to it, if it’s authentic, and if I can’t find a good reason to not do it (sometimes, there may be), then why not? Why not do it?
That’s how we create a life we won’t regret. Or, at least, are less likely to regret!
And sometimes, apart from disappointing our internalized society, our internalized shoulds, it requires examining our fears. What do I fear would happen? How likely is it? Can I find peace with it? Am I OK with it? Is it worth it?
It’s also helpful to explore how we internalize the expectations of society, what they are in our case, what effects they would have if we always followed them, and also what social functions they have or – in many cases – had some decades or generations ago. Many of them made sense at some point, and don’t so much now.
Today, I disappointed society by having my main meal at lunch, which I usually do. I will likely go to bed before accepted bedtime for grown-ups. I was honest in a way some may say you should be more strategic about. (It felt good, and didn’t feel like a big risk.) In general, my life is outside the norm in several ways, and it makes sense to me now and feels right, and I also know it will change. (Although I don’t know how.)
I talked with a friend who is getting close to a big round number in age, and it brings up thoughts about how his life didn’t turn out the way he hoped or expected.
That’s very familiar for me too, especially from some years ago.
How have I digested it?
I know some of the surface ways I have explored it.
My ideas about my life are created by the human mind, they are not inherent in reality. A seed may not sprout. A seedling may not develop into a mature plant. A tree that didn’t get as big as other trees because of the soil, wind, or other conditions. They just live their lives, as those lives are. Reality just is, as it is. Our ideas of how it could or should have been are created by this mind.
These ideas are cultural. I have internalized expectations, ideals, and shoulds from my family, friends, and culture. Other cultures have other ideas about it. Some may see it as described above, that reality is free from all our ideas about it. Some may see acceptance as the greatest success, or kindness. Or making a reasonably good life with the ingredients we are given.
My life is multi-faceted. It’s not limited to the relatively few dimensions, areas, or criteria my shoulds are about. I have had many experiences and done many things. It’s a rich life.
When something comes up (regret, anxiety, blame, self-devaluation) in response to thoughts about my life, I ask myself how it would be to meet it with kindness, as I would a scared child or animal. This helps these sides of me to relax and feel seen, understood, allowed, and even loved.
I don’t know the paths I didn’t take. I don’t know what would have been on those paths. My trauma and hangups may have created knots there too. Life may have come up with surprises, some of which my personality wouldn’t have liked.
Those who live some of what I had wished for have their own complex lives. They may not be happy. They have their own struggles and longings. They may even wish for some of what I have in my life.
Life goes up and down and has twists and turns. I may be unhappy for a while, and then something changes and I experience more meaning, engagement, and enjoyment.
I have much to be grateful for. There are infinite things I can be easily grateful for. Right now, I have shelter, a full belly, friends, an upcoming journey, and so on.
What kind of meal do I wish to make out of the ingredients I have here and now? How would it be to make a good meal out of it? One that’s nourishing and meaningful?
For any one thing that happened, I can find one cause, and one more. I can always find one more. When I explore a specific event or decision in this way, I find innumerable causes going back to the beginning of time (if there is a beginning) and the widest extent of existence (if there is a widest extent). What happened, and what happens, is the local expression of movements of the whole of existence.
What do I long for? What do I wish for? How would it be to bring some of that into my life here and now? How would it be to embrace it as it is?
Where do I find my life? I can only find it in images of the past, possible future, a path, and my life now. Some of these images have a charge (they are associated with sensations), and they are still images. They are imaginations.
These are all outcomes of different processes over years and decades. I have often used inquiry (The Work of Byron Katie, Kiloby Inquiries), heart-centered practices (ho’oponopono, tonglen with myself, others, parts of me), Basic Meditation (notice and allow, notice it’s all already noticed and allowed), somatic explorations (TRE, Breema, Qigong), dialog (Voice Dialog, Big Mind process), and much more.
What’s helped me most is perhaps just noticing how I relate to my experience – including images and words about my life, distress, and so on – and find a more kind and wise way to relate to it.
Some pointers are especially alive for me these days – to bring the noticing of my nature more into the foreground, or to help shift out of being caught up in this personality and his hangups.
I also like to scan the field of experience and explore whatever seems most contracted, or whatever seems most like I, me, an observer, or a doer, in this way.
Here are some I tend to use these days:
It’s an object. This experience – this thought/emotion dynamic, this discomfort – is an object. It’s not what I fundamentally am. It’s within the field of experience as anything else. It comes and goes as any other experience. It happens within and as what I am.
It’s made up of what I am. It’s made of the same as me. It’s this awake space taking this form. It’s the consciousness I am taking this form.
This is what life wants to experience now. Of all possible experiences, this is the one life wants to have here and for now. It has top priority for existence here and now.
How is it to meet it with kindness? If I experience discomfort, or this human self is struggling or upset, then how is it to meet it with kindness? How is it to meet it as I would a scared child or animal? How is it to be with it, allowing it to be as it is?
Notice and allow. If there is distress or discomfort, how is it to notice and allow? You are welcome here. Stay as long as you want. How is it to notice it’s already noticed and allowed, and align with that?
The words in bold are usually what I use as a pointer. Sometimes, I may use a few more words, and otherwise it’s mostly wordless noticing. And I sometimes use other pointers, depending on what comes up and what I am curious about. What works and is most helpful tends to change over time, and may be different for each situation, so it’s good to have a repertoire to draw from.
These pointers are helpful since they match where I am, and they say something about where I am in the process: I am relatively familiar with the terrain through noticing and structured inquiry, and I still need some support to bring my nature to the foreground of attention and help me shift out of being caught up in wounded parts of this human self.
At another time, and for someone else at a different place in their process, other pointers may work better.
The term non-dual is used by a relatively small group of people, and it’s understandably confusing to many.
So what does it mean?
WHAT DOES NON-DUAL REFER TO?
It refers to what we discover when our nature notices itself.
In one sense, I am this human self in the world. That’s how most others see me, it’s what my own thoughts may tell me, and it’s an assumption that works reasonably well – although it also comes with inherent discomfort since it’s out of alignment with what’s more real.
When I look, I find I am more fundamentally something else. I am what this whole field of experiences – of this human self, the wider world, emotions, thoughts, states and so on – happens within and as. I am this awake space taking all these forms. I am what a thought may call consciousness, taking the form of the always changing content of experience, including this human self and any sense of a me or I within the field of experience. Even more fundamentally, I find I am capacity for it – consciousness and what it forms itself into.
Non-dual refers to how the world appears when my nature notices itself, and when that noticing is primary and any thoughts are secondary.
WHY IS IT CALLED NON-DUAL?
It’s called non-dual because my nature noticing itself reveals the oneness inherent in what I am, and the world as it appears to me.
Thoughts function by splitting the world into this and that. That’s the purpose of thoughts, and their gift. They help differentiate, sort, categorize, organize, navigate, and so on. Thoughts are essential for this human self to function in the world. They may even be very helpful as pointers for the consciousness I am to notice itself.
And yet, that does not reflect the reality of what I am, and how the world appears to me when the consciousness I am notices itself.
When my nature notices itself, it notices itself as oneness. As one without an other, as someone said.
And it also noticed all content of experience – this whole field of experience, including what’s conventionally referred to as “inner” and “outer” – as happening within and as itself, within and as the oneness it is.
So it’s non-dual. It’s not two. It contains the world of multitude and apparent separation, and it’s not one thing within the world as opposed to something else.
WHO USES THE TERM?
Who uses the term non-dual, and why?
The term itself comes from Sanskrit and the Advaita Vedanta tradition, as far as I know. Advaita means not-two, which has been translated into English as non-dual. (See the Wikipedia article for more details.)
What it refers to is something described by many traditions, and by many mystics across and outside of traditions. Outside Advaita, it’s perhaps mostly associated with Buddhism and Taoism.
These days, it seems that most who use the term are Westerns into this kind of exploration. It’s people who, like me, are not tied to any particular tradition, but uses pointers and practices from many.
HOW DO THOUGHTS APPEAR WHEN WHAT I AM NOTICES ITSELF?
How do thoughts appear when my nature notices itself?
They appear as questions about the world. As pointers and an aid for this human self to orient, navigate, and function. They can be more or less accurate in a conventional sense. And they cannot hold any full, final, or absolute truth, that’s not their function.
When my mind associates a thought with a certain physical sensation (often created by tensing muscles), then the sensation lends a sense of solidity, reality, and truth to the thought, and the thought gives a sense of meaning to the sensation. This is something that’s usually not consciously noticed, although it can be explored – in great detail – by investigating the sense fields. (For instance, through the Kiloby Inquiries.)
Also, any sense of me or I, or a doer or observer, are recognized as created by the mental field – often associated with certain bodily sensations. They happen within and as what I am, just like any other object, and any other part of the field of experience. They come and go as any other content of experience. They “slide around on (as) my nature” as I sometimes experience it as, and are not what I more fundamentally am.
This also means that both dreams and waking life happen within and as what I am. To me, they are made of the same, although they – in a practical sense – obviously are also quite different.
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE TERM
How do I relate to the term, and how has it changed?
When I first encountered the term, I think it was when I was nineteen and read No Boundary by Ken Wilber.
Finding the book, and encountering the term, was exciting to me since it seems to beautifully capture what was revealed in the oneness shift when I was sixteen – which was still there and which I was actively exploring.
I used the term quite a bit in my twenties, mostly in my own journals and the occasional university paper, since I didn’t know others interested in it. (At the Zen center, people didn’t seem too interested in anything outside of Zen, the term would probably have seemed too intellectual for most, and we didn’t talk about these things anyway. The culture didn’t quite allow it.)
These days, I don’t use it actively. Why did it change? Likely because it seems somewhat intellectual, and it’s understood only by a small group of people. In general, I like to find words that seem more direct and ordinary. I still find it occasionally useful as a shorthand when I am with people who are familiar with it, so I don’t have anything against the term itself.
Note: I wrote this more as flow-of-consciousness than a planned and edited article. The Wikipedia article is much better for understanding the history and general use of the term, although what I write may be more interesting for seeing how it appears to someone in their own life and experience.
I am reading Stay True by Hua Hsu1, a memoir about the author’s university years and a friend who was killed.
In the section I am in now, he talks with a therapist. He feels guilty and partly responsible for his friend’s death. What if I had done something different that night? What if I had stayed at the party? What if I had dropped in on my way home?
It’s a normal response in our Western culture. Our minds like to beat itself up with what ifs and feeling responsible for things we are not responsible for.
If I was the therapist, there is one question I would have asked:
Why didn’t you save him?
The response, most likely, would have been:
I didn’t know what would happen. If I did, I would have done whatever I could to prevent it.
And that’s part of the answer. If he could have saved him, he would have done so. If he had known what was about to happen, he would have done things differently.
The reason we didn’t do it differently is that we didn’t know. We couldn’t have known. We were just living our lives as best we could.
NOTES
I have read it since last summer! It’s a relatively short book, but because of my CFS and brain fog, I can only read a few paragraphs at a time, on a good day and at a good moment.
Just about everyone is both smarter than me, and more stupid than me.
SMARTER THAN ME
I can always find one or several areas of life where they are smarter than me.
There is some area… they know more about than me. They are more familiar with than me. Where they are more mature than me. Where they are more healed than me.
Always, there is more than one area. And always, there are far more areas I don’t know about than the ones I do. It’s just a matter of time before I find one more, and one more.
This is independent of age, education, occupation, gender, ethnicity, and any other characteristic.
That’s why, when I meet someone, I often wonder… what can I learn from this person? What do they know – in how they live their life or other skills – that I don’t?
MORE STUPID THAN ME
Similarly, everyone I meet is more stupid than me in one or more areas.
There is always one or more areas that I am more familiar with, or have more skills, or am a little more mature or healed, and so on.
For this reason, I don’t need to feel inferior or that I am not good enough.
Of course, it’s not about stupidity. It’s just about experience and how we are put together.
EVERYONE IS A MIRROR
More essentially, everyone is a mirror.
I can take any story I have about the other, turn it to be about myself, and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true. I can find how it’s true here and now, at the moment I have the thought about the other. And I can find examples from the past where it was true.
What I see in the other is something I know from myself, whether I notice or not.
It’s not because what we are is far away, obscure, unfamiliar to us, or something very special.
After all, it’s what we are. It’s what we all already are most familiar with.
It’s really the only thing we are familiar with. It’s all we have ever known.
So why is it difficult?
THE NATURE OF LANGUAGE
It has to do with the nature of language.
Mental representations are just that, mental representations.
They are maps of the world. They are questions about the world. They are different in nature from what they point to. (Unless they happen to refer to mental representations.) They cannot hold any full, final, or absolute truth. They are always provisional. They are always only useful in a particular situation and context. They can help us orient and function in the world. In their nature, they split while reality is a seamless whole.
WHAT THE RECIPIENT IS CONSCIOUSLY FAMILIAR WITH
It also has to do with what the recipient is consciously familiar with.
If the recipient is familiar with their nature, then the conversation tends to flow naturally and easily. After all, we are both familiar with and talk about the same terrain.
If they are not consciously familiar with it, then no words can really convey it. They don’t have a conscious reference for it. They are not familiar with the terrain. (Although they are, of course, without consciously realizing it.)
IT’S NOT UNIQUE TO TALKING ABOUT OUR NATURE
This is not unique to talking about our nature.
It has to do with language and communication, and applies to everything we talk about.
If you haven’t tasted an apple, then it’s difficult to convey with words how it tastes.
ONE SIGNIFICANT DIFFERENCE
There is also one significant difference between talking about our nature and talking about most other things.
If you haven’t tasted an apple, but are familiar with other fruits, I can use that as a reference. I can convey something by referencing what you already know.
That’s more difficult when it comes to our nature. If you are not consciously familiar with your nature, then what you are familiar with is whatever is within the content of experience, and there isn’t anything there that’s a good or useful reference.
That is one reason why it’s actually more difficult to talk about our nature if the recipient is not already familiar with that particular terrain.
WHAT IS OUR NATURE?
So what is our nature? How would I put it into words?
Depending on the situation, I would maybe say that….
It’s not wrong that I am this human self in the world. It’s an assumption that works reasonably well, although it also comes with some inherent unease and discomfort.
In my own immediate noticing, I find I am something else. I am what this whole field of experience – which includes this human self and the wider world – happens within and as.
I am this awake space that forms itself into all content of experience, including anything related to this human self.
This is nothing special. It’s what I assume you are too.
It’s what I already am very familiar with. It’s what you already are very familiar with. It’s what I already am. It’s what you already am.
The only difference is in noticing it and getting familiar with it in a more conscious way.
NOTICING IT AND TAKING IT SERIOUSLY
Even that isn’t necessarily so difficult, especially with some guided structured noticing – AKA inquiry. I find the Big Mind process, Headless experiments, and detailed sense field explorations (Kiloby Inquiries) very helpful.
Noticing is just the first step.
Sometimes, we notice and don’t pursue it for a variety of reasons. We may think that it’s too simple and obvious so it can’t possibly be “it”. We may not see the value in it. We may not be drawn to continue to explore it.
If we are drawn to continue to explore it, then that opens up another path.
This is a path of continuing to notice, through different situations and states. We are creating a new habit of our nature noticing itself, independent of the changing content of experience.
It’s a path of clarifying and differentiating our nature from all the phenomena it forms itself into.
It’s a path of recognizing all the phenomena our nature forms itself into, and especially that which our personality doesn’t like, as our nature.
It’s a path of exploring how it is for this human self to live and function within that noticing.
It’s a path of this human self and its bodymind transforming within this noticing, and aligning more deeply and thoroughly with oneness recognizing itself.
That’s where the real work is. Noticing can be easy. Continuing to notice independent of the always changing content of experience is where the work is. Exploring how it is to live within that noticing is where the work is. Intentionally joining with the inevitable (and often challenging) transformation of this human self is where the work is.
I can find a few different ways to talk about it, from my own experience.
OUR SYSTEM HOLDING A THOUGHT AS TRUE
Most simply, a belief is our system holding a thought – a mental representation – as true.
Our conscious view may align with that belief. Or it may not align with it, but our system – somewhere – holds it as true which colors our perception and life.
Often, it’s held as an exclusive truth that excludes other perspectives.
And it does involve some blindness, at a visceral level, to the nature of thoughts: As questions about the world. As mental representations, different in kind from what they point to (unless they happen to point to mental representations). As a map that, by necessity, simplifies and highlights some aspects of what they point to and leave much out. As a reflection of a very limited insight. (What we know is little and what we don’t know is infinite.) As provisional guides for our attention and life in the world.
IDENTIFYING WITH THE VIEWPOINT OF A THOUGHT
A belief is identifying with the viewpoint of a thought.
Any mental representation – words, mental images – come with a viewpoint.
When the consciousness we are identifies with the viewpoint of a thought, it takes the form of a belief in that thought.
We operate as if we are that viewpoint, and as if it’s true.
SENSATIONS ASSOCIATED WITH THOUGHTS
A belief is created by the mind associating certain mental representations and certain body sensations.
The mental representations give meaning to the body sensations, and the body sensations give a sense of substance, solidity, realness, and truth to the mental representations.
In order to hold a thought as true, the bodymind needs to tense up certain muscles in order to create a more steady sensation in that area of the body. This, in turn, lends solidity, substance, and a sense of reality to the thought. If a thought is to be held as true over time, it leads to chronic tension and muscle contractions.
A WAY TO FIND A SENSE OF SAFETY
Beliefs are a way to find a sense of safety.
They may tell us something stressful or uncomfortable, and yet, at least we have some sense of safety from telling ourselves that we know. We know how it is.
In reality, there is no safety to find in mental representations. They are always questions about the world, whether we notice or not.
A DEFENSE AGAINST LOVE
Beliefs are a defense against love.
My nature is love. When my nature notices itself, I find I am (what a thought may call) love.
It’s not a love dependent on feelings or states. It’s a love that comes from the consciousness I am noticing itself, and noticing that the world – as it appears to me – happens within and as what I am.
It’s the love of the left hand removing a splinter from the right.
Beliefs requires identification with a viewpoint, in opposition to other viewpoints. It requires identification with something within the field of experience. It requires a release our of my nature noticing itself.
It’s a kind of defense against love, against my nature noticing itself.
CONTRACTION
A belief is a contraction.
It’s a contraction from what we are – that which the whole world, as it appears to us, happens within and as – to taking ourselves to be a part within the field of experience.
It’s a body contraction, since chronic sensations – supporting chronic beliefs – are brought about through chronic physical tension.
It’s a mental contraction – from finding fluidity and limited validity in a wide range of viewpoints to identifying and holding onto one or a few viewpoints as true.
It’s an emotional contraction – it brings about discomfort, reactivity, and defensiveness.
A WAY FOR CONSCIOUSNESS/LIFE TO EXPERIENCE SEPARATION
Beliefs are a way for the consciousness I am to experience separation. It’s a way for life to experience separation. It’s part of the play of consciousness and life.
As soon as a thought is held as true, the consciousness we are identifies with the viewpoint of the thought and – in its own experience – “becomes” that viewpoint. There is identification with something within the field of experience, and that immediately creates an experience of duality. I am this, you andthe wider world are that.
This is a remarkable achievement for consciousness and life, and adds to the richness of how consciousness and life experiences itself. It also comes with inherent stress, discomfort, and either low-grade or obvious suffering.
INHERITED AND PASSED ON
Mental representations are passed on, as is the habit of holding some of them as true.
They are passed on from our birth family, culture, subcultures, and so on.
We learn them, take them on, make them our own, and pass them on to others.
They are far less personal than they may seem.
For instance, just about every stressful thought is simple, universal, and shared by a great number of people.
Also, every thought was once made up by someone and passed on, modified, and eventually came to us.
EXPLORING THIS
These are just a few ways to look at beliefs, and they all reflect what’s here in more direct noticing.
How can we explore this? How have I explored it?
In the initial oneness shift, it was very clear that thoughts cannot even beging to touch reality. Thoughts are pointers and questions about the world. They cannot hold any final, absolute, or full truth. They have a temporary and practical function only.
Since then, I have explored thoughts through different forms of structured and guided noticing, also known as inquiry.
The Work of Byron Katie helps us identify and examine thoughts that our system, somewhere, holds as true, and find what’s genuinely more true for us.
The Kiloby Inquiries is a modernized form of traditional Buddhist sense-field inquiry.
The Big Mind process is a version of Voice Dialog and parts work that adds aspects of our nature, and it’s a way to explore viewpoints and their relationships.
The Big Mind process and the Headless experiments helps us notice our nature, and to recognize the nature of thoughts as well, along with their gifts and limitations.
The idea of mistakes is interesting and multifaceted.
NO MISTAKES
There are no mistakes.
The idea of mistakes is created by the human mind. It doesn’t exist in the world. It’s an imagination, both the idea of a mistake in general and ideas of specific mistakes. It’s literally a fantasy.
It can seem real since we live in a society where most people believe – or pretend to believe whether they notice or not – in the possibility of mistakes, and we have internalized it as children, but it’s still a fantasy. It’s a fantasy taken as real until it’s examined.
NO MISTAKES AS WE TYPICALLY SEE IT
There are also not mistakes in how we often take them, as personal and something we could have done differently.
Our thoughts, choices, life, and everything about us has infinite causes going back to beginning of time (if there is a beginning) and the widest extent of existence (if there is a widest extent). I can always find one more cause, and one more. Our life is the local movements of the larger whole expressed locally.
We are, genuinely, doing our best. We make the best choices we can given the circumstances – limited information and experience, inability to know anything for certain about the future, and perception and life colored by trauma (often collective and intergenerational).
MISTAKES IN A CONVENTIONAL SENSE
At the same time, there are mistakes in a conventional and limited sense.
There are choices we make that we would have done differently if we…. Were more healed and whole. Had more information and experience. Knew the bigger picture. Knew the future.
It’s good to notice that too.
GIFTS IN MISTAKES
There are gifts in mistakes.
When I see that I would have done something differently – with who I am and what I know now – it’s a lesson. There is something to explore, notice, and learn there.
Why did I make that choice? Was it out of fear, wounds, trauma, painful beliefs? What do I find if I examine those painful beliefs? What happens if I invite healing for the wounds? What happens if I find healing for my relationship to the contraction in me behind the choice?
I also find it helpful to examine my ideas about mistakes and specific mistakes. There are mistakes. It was a mistake to get married to her. It was a mistake to move away from what I loved. Is it true? Can I know for certain it’s true? What happens, how do I react, when I believe that thought? Who would I be without it? What’s the validity in each turnaround? Can I find three specific and genuine examples for each?
EXPLORING MISTAKES
How do I explore mistakes?
Here are some I find helpful for myself….
Inquiry, either The Work of Byron Katie or sense field explorations (Kiloby Inquiries).
Neurogenic tremoring (TRE) to release tension from my system.
Tonglen with myself and anyone involved in the situation. (Especially anyone parts of me wants to blame.)
Ho’oponopono.
Parts work, for instance, the Big Mind process (Voice Dialog).
Harvesting the gifts. Finding the genuine gifts in the mistakes.
Identify and explore any hangups, wounds, and painful beliefs behind the choice.
Imagining myself in that situation, as whole and healed, and the same with anyone else involved. Having a dialog with myself at the time, and others involved, as whole and healed – normally wise, kind, and intelligent.
Having real-life conversations with friends and anyone involved, with the intention of seeing the situation more clearly and taking responsibility for my part. (My responsibility for my own choices, actions, and life is 100% whether I embrace that or not.)
Noticing that there are no mistakes, and there are mistakes in a limited sense, just depending on how we look at it, and all of those perspectives have validity, value, and usefulness. Examining this in detail, and how each one has validity in a specific situation, so it becomes a lived reality.
Someone sent me this video which seems to go around the internet.
I don’t know the full picture, of course. If I did, I would likely see it very differently.
But from what she says, a few things came up in me…
She found her soul mate, a partner she felt deeply at home with, learned that he wanted children, realized it would be difficult for them to have a child together because of her age, so ended the relationship and found another younger woman for him.
I understand that in our culture, that may sound selfless and romantic.
To me, it looks a little different.
She made a decision for him, based on what she thought he wanted and needed. She didn’t allow him to decide if he wanted to stay with her or not. She even found a new partner for him to replace her.
She left his life and cut all connection even if it wasn’t what he wanted.
She sacrificed herself and went into a martyr role.
We don’t know that he is more happy, satisfied, or content with the new woman and a child. He may still, secretly, be longing for what they had. He may have wanted that more than what he has now.
They could have found other options – adoption, egg donation, and so on. Did they seriously explore these options?
She said she left him because she wanted him to have a child and the life (she imagined) he wanted. It seemed that what he really wanted was to be with her. I wonder if she is telling herself this story of selflessness and martyrdom to cover up another reason. For instance, she may have been afraid that she was too old for him and that he would leave her for a younger woman, so she made that happen to have a sense of control and avoid the (imagined) later pain.
As I said, there is a lot I don’t know in this situation so these are just my imaginations and they say something about me and not them.
Still, it’s worth looking at.
It’s better for me and others if I allow them to make decisions for their own life. If I try to make decisions for them, based on what I imagine they want or need, I infantilize them, do it based on my imagination, and force something on them.
If I tell myself I am doing something for someone else, I find I always am doing it for me and it’s good to be honest about it.
If I go into a martyr role, there is always something behind it – a wound, an unloved part of me, unexamined scary stories.
When the massive primal survival anxiety came up in the early 2010s (after asking the divine to “show me what’s left”…!), I learned to examine the worst-case scenarios.
When I explored the realistic and catastrophic worst-case scenarios, I found they were OK.
Each one was liveable and something I could navigate, or others could navigate for me, or I would move on from this life. Each one would be fleeting, they would come to pass.
Since then, I have done the same.
What if all falls apart? What if I am left with the bare minimum? This is a fear that comes up now and then and otherwise is there as a whisper in the background. My life repeatedly fell apart during the 2010s so parts of me got a bit traumatized.
What I find is that if my health is OK, I would go to a Zen center, most likely in Spain or The Netherlands with teachers I know and like.
If not, I would be taken care of in Norway. It likely wouldn’t be that bad. I may even enjoy many aspects of it.
I also notice that the Zen Center option is something I really want to do. There is a calling to do it and my system seems to crave it. I don’t need to wait for my life to fall apart to go there. I can do it now, as soon as my life opens up a little. I may even be able to do it later this year, or at least next year.
Exploring this helps me find more peace with the imagined future. In this case, it even helped me see something I really want to do now.
Someone posted this in a social media group for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), and some responded saying their body has become their enemy and their prison.
I understand. It’s natural to see it that way, especially in our culture.
I see it and viscerally experience it differently.
COMPASSION AND GRATITUDE
I find a deep compassion for my body dealing with all that’s going on related to the CFS. It’s doing its best. It’s innocent and hard-working.
I have a deep gratitude for this body, for the same reason. It’s here. It’s doing its best. It’s supporting this life. It’s allowing me this life in the world.
I find that my body is my friend. It’s my best friend (one of many!). It’s here for me. It’s whole existence is devoted to me.
AM I IN THE BODY OR IS THE BODY IN ME?
I also find it useful to ask myself this question: Am I in the body, or is the body in me?
I find that I am space for this body and whatever it’s experiencing and the symptoms related to the CFS. It’s all happening within this awake space and as this awake space. (This awakeness is the ordinary awakeness I assume is here for all “conscious beings”, it’s nothing special.)
I also find that the symptoms, like everything else, are ephemeral. They come and go and are always new and fresh and different.
EXPLORING
How did I find this? Through many years of processing, inquiry, and explorations to find what’s genuinely true for me. I have identified and explored innumerable stressful thoughts about my body and its symptoms and found genuine and specific examples of how the reversals are as or more true. The Work of Byron Katie has been very helpful here, as has the Big Mind process, basic mediation, Headless experiments, sense field explorations (Kiloby Inquiries), and mainly curiosity and noticing.
I also know that many parts of me are not on board with this, and come up to be seen, felt, understood, included, loved, and so on. I also know that with different symptoms and in different circumstances, different things may come up in me.
There is always further to go, and there is always what I am invited to explore and notice here and now.
CULTURE AND BODY
These views always happen within a culture, and one way to understand cultures is to see where they fall on the partnership and domination spectrum.
In short, before the agricultural revolution around 10,000 years ago, we were all indigenous. We lived in cultures largely on the partnership side of the spectrum. We saw ourselves as nature, as part of the web of life, as the web of life giving us life, as ephemeral expressions of this web of life, of all life as sacred, and so on.
With the agricultural revolution, we had the opportunity to amass wealth and “own” land, animals, and even people. This had to be justified, and that’s where a stronger domination orientation came in. We see ourselves as separate from nature, we are superior to nature, nature is suspicious, we need to control in order to find safety, the mind comes from and lives inside of the body, the sacred is removed to a sky god and the afterlife, and so on.
If we have that worldview, it’s no surprise if we see the body as a burden, or even an enemy or prison, as soon as it’s not healthy. If it’s not doing what we think it should be doing, we try to control it and we find ways to struggle with it.
On the other hand, if we have more of a partnership orientation, it looks different.
With that worldview, it’s natural to see the body as doing its best. If it’s sick, it’s often because the larger systems – social and ecological – are sick, as they are today. We live in a culture of imagined alienation and separation and consequently lives that feel, to some extent, empty. We live in an ecosystem that’s severely impacted by and degraded because of this culture.
No wonder we get sick. Our individual illnesses are often a symptom of what’s happening in the larger social and ecological systems, and it’s ultimately a symptom of our domination culture.
If our body is not healthy, we look (among other things) at the larger systems for reasons and we seek solutions in partnership with the body. For instance, we may seek to support our body by changing our diet, reducing stress, moving to a better climate, and so on, along with whatever approaches make sense from mainstream medicine.
Yes, we are not really any of it – ideas, viewpoints, identities, roles. These are all positions we can take and explore. Some are helpful in some situations and others in other situations, they all enrich our lives, and it’s good to find some fluidity with it and hold it all lightly.
Of course, that’s easier said than done. When we come from fear, wounds, and traumas, we tend to find and create a position we hold onto in order to feel safer, and when that position is threatened, it feels like we are threatened. It can feel like a matter of life and death.
WITH A LITTLE MORE DETAIL
Said another way, with a little more detail…
Roles, views, identities, ideas, and so on are clearly not what we fundamentally are. They come and go. In one situation, we take one role, in another, another role. In one conversation, we take one view, in another, another view. This also changes over time. When I was ten I used another set of views, identities, and roles than I do now.
And yet, we can feel that it’s what we are. Parts of us hold onto a certain viewpoint – which is all an identity, role, or idea is – in order to find safety. It feels safe to retreat into a certain viewpoint. It may be familiar. It’s known, to some extent. It allows us to not have to investigate so much. When that happens, we identify with and as that viewpoint. In our own experience, we become it.
That means that anything that seems to threaten that viewpoint – anything that goes counter to it, disproves it, questions it – feels like a threat to what we are. It can feel like an existential threat.
It’s good to notice, it’s good to remind ourselves of what’s going on, and it’s good to invite in more fluidity – through healing, identifying and questioning the viewpoints, and so on.
To the extent we are able to find fluidity with it, it brings less stress to our lives, it allows us to respond more appropriately to different situations, and it can enrich our lives and our experience of ourselves immensely.
WHAT’S GOING ON
And said yet another way, from another perspective…
MY NATURE
To myself, I am not fundamentally these viewpoints that come and go. I am not fundamentally anything within the content of experience since it all comes and goes, including any ideas of this human self, an observer, doer, and so on.
I find I am fundamentally something else. I am what it all comes and goes within. I am this awake space that the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as. This is not a special awake space, it’s the awake space that likely all “conscious beings” are to themselves.
NOTICING ITSELF OR NOT
The consciousness I am can notice itself, and the world as it appears to me as itself. It’s learning to notice itself through changing states and experiences and allowing this human self to live within that context.
The consciousness I am can also take itself to be something within the content of experience. It can take itself to be a viewpoint or a set of viewpoints. This works only to a certain extent, although it can seem convincing if it’s able to distract itself enough from noticing its nature.
PARTS OF ME CAUGHT UP IN VIEWPOINTS
There is another wrinkle here.
This awake space can notice itself, and even notice itself through changing states and experiences, and there are still many parts of me – many parts of the psyche – that hold onto viewpoints for safety.
Parts of me identify with viewpoints to find safety, and that’s how wounds – hangups, trauma, or whatever we want to call it – are created and maintained.
EXPLORING IT
One of my favorite ways to explore this is the Big Mind process. Here, I can notice and explore my nature, and I can also explore the many different viewpoints possible for me, including the ones parts of me hold onto for safety. I get to know them, how my personality relates to them, how this human self can relate to them in a more constructive way, create partnerships with these parts of me, and so on.
I also like to explore this through The Work of Byron Katie. I identify a stressful thought, which shows me that there is some identification with the view of that thought. I explore what happens when a part of me holds onto it. I get a sense of how it would be, here and now, without holding onto it in that way. And I get to explore the genuine validity in the many reversals of the initial thought, in contrasting perspectives on the same topic.
Apart from that, any kind of healing helps us – and parts of us – soften the grip on these viewpoints.
IT’S ALL ABOUT VIEWPOINTS
As mentioned above, any role, identity, opinion, idea, and so on are essentially viewpoints.
Any thought comes with a viewpoint. If it’s held lightly, it’s easy to shift between several viewpoints and find the genuine validity in them all, and a bigger picture that holds the limited validity in them all. If it’s held in a strong grip, it becomes something to defend, prop up, use as a weapon, hide behind, and so on.
THE RICHNESS IN IT
There is an immense richness in all of the possible viewpoints available to us.
Any idea is a viewpoint, any viewpoint is a new and different way to look at something, and it’s all in me.
The more viewpoints I explore and am familiar with in myself, and the more fluidity I find among them, the richer my life is – in the world, in perception, and in my experience of myself.
A SIMPLE PRACTICAL POINTER
When I notice I hold onto a view in a fixed way, I may not be able to shift out of it immediately, but I notice and I make a mental note of it. When things have calmed down a bit, I explore it.
What are some of the other views here? What’s the validity in each of them? How would it be to acknowledge and live that too? How would it be to find a little more fluidity here?
How would I live my life differently, here and now?
How does it enrich my life?
EASIER FOR MY NATURE TO NOTICE ITSELF
This exploration not only enriches my life by bringing in the possibility of perceiving and living from more viewpoints. It enriches my life because it makes it easier for my nature to notice itself.
Holding onto viewpoints is fine. It’s natural and ultimately innocent (although it comes with stress.)
And it can also be a distraction from my nature noticing itself. It’s a distraction from noticing what’s already so obviously here. This awake space that the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as.
The reverse of everything I write here also has validity, as has the reverse of everything I think and every viewpoint parts of me identify with.
The only question is what kind of validity it has. What are the genuine and specific examples?
As I often mention here, thoughts are questions about the world. They have a pragmatic function in helping us orient and function in the world. They cannot hold any full, final, absolute, or exclusive truth. Reality is always more than and different from our ideas about it.
A FEW EXAMPLES
And there is some validity in every thought, and every reversal of every thought, the question is just what kind of validity is there. What are the specific and genuine examples?
For instance, I often write that I am what the world, to me, happens within and as. One reversal is that I am not what the world, to me, happens within and as. That’s true in that there is no “I” there, it’s just awake space. (And not any special kind of awakeness, just the regular kind of awakeness inherent in consciousness.) Any “I” is an idea and part of the content of experience, it’s part of what comes and goes.
I just wrote that it’s not a special kind of awakeness, which is true enough. It’s likely inherent in all consciousnesses no matter the content and expression. The reversal is that it is a special kind of awakeness. That’s true for me in that it’s an utter mystery. It’s very special in that sense, just as the existence of anything at all is a mystery and special. Also, when this awakeness notices itself, through what looks like some loops in the psyche, that’s special too in a sense, at least among humans.
I value finding the validity in a range of thoughts and their perspectives, including the reversals. The reversal is that it’s valuable to take one view and reject other views. Sometimes, in a world where many do just this, it’s important to do the same. Sometimes, it’s helpful to take a stance, speak up, stand your ground, and make something happen in that way. It’s especially important when it can help myself or someone else, when we need someone to speak up and fight for us.
If you understand God, what you understand isn’t God.
– St. Augustine, slightly paraphrased
Yes, although that’s the same with everything.
If I think I understand an apple, what I understand isn’t an apple. What I think I understand is my idea about it, and I don’t even really understand that.
That’s for several reasons which can be boiled down to two that can be talked about in many different ways. It has to do with our relationship with thoughts and the relationship of thoughts with the rest of existence.
THE ESSENCE
Mental representations are questions about the world. Even statements are questions.
Mental representations help us orient and navigate in the world. They have a practical and pragmatic function only.
Mental representations cannot hold any full, final, or absolute truth. They can, at most, have limited validity.
Reality is always more than and different from our ideas about it. (And also less than, in our immediate noticing since it’s all, to us, happening within and as consciousness.)
THE MORE WE KNOW, THE MORE WE KNOW HOW LITTLE WE KNOW
The more we know, the more we understand how little we know. I have explored my nature, and these topics, for almost four decades now, and I feel I know less than I ever have. The more I explore, the more I understand how little I am familiar with and understand, and the vastness of what’s out there to explore. (That was my orientation from the beginning, but now it’s a more lived and visceral part of me.)
In a conventional sense, in the world, we may know more than most, and in a more real sense, we know we know almost nothing. We are just dipping our toes in the ocean.
A FEW MORE ASPECTS
Mental representations are different in kind from what they point to. This is just like a map is different in kind to the terrain, or a menu is different in kind from the food.
Mental representations are simplifications at best, they highlight some things and leave out other things.
Mental representations reflect our biases, limited experience and understanding, hangups, culture, hopes and fears, and much more. They inevitably say more about us than what they apparently are about.
Our mental representations about the world is a mirror for us. If a mental representation says something about the wider world, we can turn it to be about ourselves and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true about us.
Mental representations are more or less accurate in a conventional sense. Sometimes, they are completely inaccurate and downright wrong.
Mental representations take on a completely different meaning depending on the context, worldview, and set of assumptions they are understood within.
If we, or a part of our system, hold a mental representation as true, it’s inevitably stressful. It’s out of alignment with reality. We feel we have to prop it up, defend it, remind ourselves about it, and so on. Also, life will always come up with situations that show us the limited validity, or outright wrongness, of our cherished idea.
THOUGHTS IN THE SENSE FIELDS
If we, or a part of our system, hold a thought as true, that experience is created in a certain way. Our mind associates certain mental representations (mental images, mental sounds) with certain physical sensations in the body.
The mental representations give a sense of meaning to the sensations, and the sensations give a sense of solidity, reality, and truth to the mental representations.
If it’s a central or important belief, the body will contract in order to create sensations used to give a sense of reality, solidity, and truth to the thought.
It sounds silly, and it is a bit silly when we notice. We get a peak behind the curtain.
It is relatively easy to explore and notice this. Anyone can do it, for instance, guided by someone experienced in sense field explorations. The one I have found that’s most effective is the Kiloby Inquiries which is a modernized version of traditional Buddhist sense field inquiries.
A PART OF OUR SYSTEM HOLDING A THOUGHT AS TRUE
It’s quite common, at least in my experience, that I consciously don’t hold a certain thought as true, but I find that a part of my system holds it – more or less – as true.
This is what Freud and many others talked about. Our conscious orientation, noticing, and insights is one thing. An entirely other thing is the many perspectives, beliefs, hangups, traumas, and so on that different parts of our system live from and within.
It’s good to explore both and invite the rest of our system to join in with whatever wisdom, insights, and useful noticing that’s happening at a conscious level.
APPLIES TO EVERYTHING
This applies to everything, not just God… or an apple.
It applies to our ideas about ourselves, our spouse, parents, children, bosses, employees, health, money, the past, the future, the present, life situations, and anything else.
After the chronic illness, he became philosophical.
Someone in my family mentioned this, referring to me.
It’s true and not so true in a few different ways.
INVITATION TO REFLECTION
It’s true in that I have reflected in order to find peace with my situation.
My trauma and chronic illness has invited me to take a second look – and third and fourth and fifth – at my life, life in general, and relationships. It has invited me to (aim to) leave no stone unturned.
What stressful thoughts do I, or parts of me, hold as true? What do I find when I examine each of these? How does it color my perception and life? What’s the validity in the reversals? What’s genuinely more true for me?
I am motivated to examine any thought I hold as true since I know, viscerally and from experience and noticing, that holding any thought as true is stressful, and what’s genuinely more true for me is peaceful.
In that sense, the illness has made me more philosophical.
Inquiry is a kind of philosophy that helps me recognize – viscerally – a thought as a question and that it doesn’t hold any final, full, or absolute truth.
COPING STRATEGIES
It’s also true in that ideas are sometimes involved in how I cope with my life and situation. I have used ideas to help me cope with both trauma and chronic illness.
These are more or less healthy, although the less healthy ones are healthy too, in the sense that they are the best I can do in the situation and better than some of the alternatives.
I write here. Somehow, that feels right and it’s comforting to me. It helps me process and digest things in my life and the world. It invites me to examine beliefs and find what’s more true for me. Sometimes, writing is an escape and distraction, although it often leads into a more direct noticing and befriending.
I notice that sorting things out in thought can feel comforting to me, although it’s a hollow comfort. Noticing that is a reminded to… Rest in the consciousness I am noticing itself. See how it is to befriend my experience as it is. And identify and explore stressful thoughts and identifications, often held by part of me.
EARLIER PASSION FOR EXPLORATION
I have always had a curiosity about the world, and my passion for exploration and discovery started early in childhood, years before the chronic illness. Even as a child, I loved nature, science, adventure, explorations, the Universe Story as presented by Carl Sagan, and so on.
My curiosity, and my philosophical leanings if you want to call it that, started long before the illness.
NOTICING BEFORE MENTAL REPRESENTATIONS
With what’s most important to me, noticing comes before it’s reflected in thoughts.
Much of what I write about – and just about all that’s about exploring my nature – is first direct noticing which is then interpreted by and reflected in stories.
The noticing came first chronologically (the oneness shift happened years before I found books or heard about it from others), and it also usually comes first when I try to express it in words.
OTHER COPING STRATEGIES
There are several coping strategies that are not primarily about ideas. For me, these are more as or important than the ones mentioned above, and they are more essential.
The main one is the consciousness I am noticing itself. This is the coping strategy my system seems to have used when I was fifteen and sixteen. To deal with teenage angst and trauma, it seems that it shifted the center of gravity into Big Mind. Into oneness, into the consciousness I am noticing itself as (it’s experience of) the whole world.
When I was fifteen, it shifted into experiencing the world – all content of experience – as very far away. There was a simple and apparent observer-observed split. One year later, there was a shift into oneness and all recognized as consciousness. I am consciousness forming itself into the experience of everything, the whole universe as it appears to me.
This has stayed with me, and it’s still a coping mechanism. It’s easier to have this as a context for the experiences that are here.
Another is to meet and befriend what’s here in experience.
Notice and feel the sensations.
Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me. You can stay as long as you want.
Explore what it needs. Love? Acceptance? Safety? Belonging and home? Give it that.
Notice it’s nature. Notice it’s consciousness. It’s the consciousness I am forming itself into it.
Rest with each of these.
ALL TOGETHER
It’s all true in its own way, and always a small part of the bigger picture.
It’s also part of an ongoing noticing and exploration.
Since I also have a disability, it made me look at wholeness and brokenness.
HUMAN BROKENNESS
At a human level, there is inevitably some brokenness. There may be slight brokenness in the form of some hangups, wounds, and physical ailments, or it may be more obvious brokenness in the form of trauma, illness, or disability. That’s how this life is. It’s part of life.
I also find wholeness.
WHAT I AM
As what I am, there is wholeness. As the consciousness I am – forming itself into the experience of this human self, health and disability, a life in the world, and the wider world – there is wholeness. I cannot not be whole.
The consciousness I am forms itself into (the idea and appearance of) brokenness and everything else, and as capacity for it all, I am capacity also for brokenness.
WHO I AM
As who I am, as this human self in the world, I also find wholeness.
I am as rich as the world. Whatever I see in the world is something I can find in myself.
I can take any story about someone or something, turn it to myself, and find specific and authentic examples of how they are true.
There is a wholeness here that’s as rich as the world.
PART OF THE LARGER WHOLE
As this human self, I am part of this seamless living system we call Earth, and I am a part of the seamless system we call the universe or existence.
As Carl Sagan said, we are the local eyes, ears, thoughts, and feelings of the universe. We are the universe bringing itself into consciousness. I would add that we are the universe investigating and reforming itself through and as us.
We are existence expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself temporarily and locally as us.
There is a wholeness here too.
A LIVED NOTICING AND EXPERIENCE
This is all a lived noticing and experience for me.
I am very aware of (some of) my brokenness in terms of my wounds, traumas, and physical disability and challenges.
I notice myself as this consciousness forming itself into this whole field of experience. (Headless experiments, the Big Mind process.)
I explore myself, at a human level, as being as rich as the world. I use the world as a mirror to find what I see there also in myself. (Projections, The Work of Byron Katie.)
I explore and remind myself of the Universe Story and that I am a local and fleeting expression of the seamless system of existence.
When I engage in meditation and mindful movement, especially over time, I find a visceral sense of wholeness. For me, Breema is especially good for this.
This is all an ongoing noticing and exploration. There is no finishing line.
Wholeness and brokenness are both here, and the brokenness is part of the wholeness already here.
THE IDEA OF BROKENNESS
Whatever idea we have of brokenness is an idea, it’s created by our mental field.
It reflects our culture, family, subcultures, and so on.
It’s a question about the world, as any other thought, whether we notice or not.
It’s worth identifying and questioning any ideas we have about brokenness and anything else that may be stressful to us.
Is it true that I am broken even if I have a disability? I find that my body works in amazing ways. It knows how to breathe, metabolize, speak, think, feel, walk, and much more. There is definitely a wholeness here, even living with a chronic illness.
Is it true I am broken even if I have traumas? I find that these traumas don’t exclusively belong to me. They belong to my family, my ancestors, my culture, and humanity as a whole. They are universals. They are something many of us live with, explore, and even make friends with. There is a wholeness here.
This helps me hold my ideas of brokenness more lightly. Yes, it’s true in a limited and conventional sense, and it’s a useful idea in some contexts. And it also misses a lot. It misses the wholeness that’s here. The wholeness that includes and goes far beyond anything we may consider “broken”.
How do I experience the world of experience? The sense fields?
It’s a little difficult to put into words, but here is one way to do it.
SEAMLESS
I experience it as seamless, as one whole. The sensations of my legs on the sofa, the sight of the trees, the sound of the music, the warmth of the body, the sounds of the clicking of the keys, the taste of the delicious fruit salad for breakfast, it’s all one field, one seamless whole.
HAPPENING ON ITS OWN
It’s all happening on its own. It’s all living its own life.
The sounds, sights, the movements of this human self, the thoughts, emotions, decisions, and so on, is all living it’s own life.
DIFFERENTIATION
There is also differentiation here, which comes from an overlay of the mental field. There are imagined lines and boundaries saying what’s this human self and what’s the wider world.
Also, when this human self lives his life in the world, he is completely free to use normal language and say “I” and “mine” even if those words have limited validity.
GOES INTO FOREGROUND AND BACKGROUND
This noticing of (a) a seamless field of experience and (b) it all living its own life comes into the foreground or goes into the background at different times.
It depends on where attention goes. When attention goes to this, it comes into the foreground of attention. When attention goes into something else – a task, a story, or something else – this noticing goes more into the background. (Attention seems to always go to a story, by the way.)
There have also been states and phases where this noticing has come very strongly into the foreground.
After the initial oneness shift, it was very strongly in the foreground for years. (Mixed in with a lot of strong energies, this human self responding to the shift, a variety of states, and so on.)
Several years ago, there was a phase where it also came strongly into the foreground, this time with less of the drama of the initial shift and more clarity and calmness. This lasted about six months.
It also tends to come into the foreground during the times when I have done a lot of meditation for a long time, for instance when I was a resident at Kanzeon Zen Center and to some extent during longer retreats.
When it comes into the foreground in this way, it cannot be missed. It’s there the whole time. It’s the primary noticing even when other things are going on.
STATES HIGHLIGHT CERTAIN FEATURES
These states highlight certain features of my nature.
It’s my nature showing itself aspects of itself in a way that’s so obvious it cannot be missed.
In my experience, that makes it easier to keep noticing these features through changing states and experiences. Something in me knows what to look for.
WHO AND WHAT I AM
All of this is just another way to talk about who and what I am.
At one level – in a conventional sense and in the world – I am this human self. It’s not wrong, and it’s an assumption that works relatively well.
When I look in my own first-person experience, I find something else. I find I primarily am what the world happens within and as. I am what this content of experience – of this human self, others, the wider world, states, and so on – happens within and as. I am consciousness forming itself into whatever content of experience is here.
Even more fundamentally, I seem to be capacity for all of this – for consciousness forming itself into all these experiences.
MORE COMPLEXITY
There is always more to say about these experiences. There are always more details, layers, and perspectives.
Sometimes, this noticing – of the seamless field and it all living its own life – goes far into the background. It’s clouded over by getting caught up in wounds, trauma, and the perspectives and identities of the painful stories creating those. This usually doesn’t last very long, but it’s a part of the dynamics and process.
I am very aware that parts of me operate from painful stories that they hold as true. Consciously, I don’t agree with these stories, but that doesn’t make much of a difference for these parts of my psyche. This will inevitably color my perception and this human life. What I can do is be aware that they are here, even if I don’t know exactly what they are or how they color my perception and life. I can meet them with some understanding and kindness since they are here to protect this human self.
A NOTE ON THE SENSE FIELD
I often talk about sense fields in the plural – sight, sound, sensation, smell, taste, mental field, and so on.
Here, I talk about the sense field as a whole which includes all of those.
A NOTE ON THE WORD “I”
I should also mention that I use the word “I” here. Any sense of I – with an other – happens within the content of experience. That’s not the I that’s experiencing anything. Here, the word “I” is used because it’s familiar and I guess it can be used about my nature too, that which the content of experience happens within and as.
I could use more accurate language, and do sometimes, although then the wording becomes more convoluted. Our language is set up to work with an I with an Other.
If I did, the title could be “The experience of this sense field”. It’s more accurate since there is no I there, and also feels a little clunky because our language works better with a subject.
I read a newsletter from John Green where he mentions how he is using anxiety as a reminder for gratitude.
As with so much, it’s not a new insight, but it is a simple and valuable insight that can transform our lives if we put it into practice.
USING ANXIETY AS A REMINDER FOR GRATITUDE
If I give myself anxiety, it’s usually because I am afraid of losing something I have, so I can use the anxiety as a reminder to find gratitude for what’s here now.
It will be gone sooner or later anyway, and it’s herenow, so why not enjoy it and find appreciation and gratitude for it now?
This is aligned with reality and it’s a way to remind myself of the bigger picture.
A FEW EXAMPLES
Here are some examples from my own life:
I notice I have anxiety for my future health. Maybe it will get worse, maybe I won’t be able to do what I tell myself I need to do. That means my health now is OK. It may not be as good as a part of me wishes it to be, but it’s OK and more than good enough to enjoy life. That’s a gift that many don’t have. I am alive today, and I have good enough health to appreciate and enjoy it. That’s a miracle. When I see that, I notice I feel genuinely and immensely grateful for it.
I have anxiety about the future of this area of the Andes. What will happen with the new development projects in the neighborhood? Will it mean a lot more traffic? More noise? More destruction of nature? (And maybe more regeneration projects?) This anxiety means there is a lot I love about it as it is now. I love the relative peace and quiet here, most of the time. I love that the neighborhood is overwhelmingly green. (Although a lot is pasture land with just a few trees.) I love the view of the canyon with just one small town on the other side. I love the dark skies and all the stars. It won’t last, at least not for me, and I notice a deep appreciation and gratitude for it.
I have anxiety about money in the future. I have a disability so I am unable to work. (My health is unpredictable so I can’t work with a schedule or deadline or produce something on command.) Right now, it’s OK for a variety of reasons, but how will it be in the future? That anxiety is a reminder that right now, I am OK. I have just about what I need. I have shelter, food, and so on, and I am able to travel when I have to. It’s easy for me to find deep gratitude for that. None of it is a given.
I have anxiety about the future of the world. We are in global ecological overshoot and collectively show no signs of slowing down, realizing the situation we are in, and what’s necessary for turning it around. We are heading straight into massive unraveling of ecosystems. Since we are nature, what happens to nature happens to us. Mixed in with anxiety is a range of other emotions and reactions – grief, hopelessness, anger, sadness.
The world as I know it will end sooner or later. Humanity will end sooner or later. This living planet will die at some point. Eventually, everything I know will be gone. That’s OK. That’s part of life. That’s how this world is set up. Without change nothing would be here at all. Death is what allows new life and something else to be here.
I have anxiety about the future of the world because I love it so much. I love this amazing nature. I love all the life this planet has made itself into. I love these living systems. I love art, music, literature. I love the insights of many humans. I love the natural love and kindness of humans.
So why not find an even deeper appreciation for it, knowing it will all eventually be gone? Why miss out of my natural appreciation and gratitude for life?
OTHER WAYS TO EXPLORE ANXIETY
There are, of course many other ways to explore anxiety. I like to use a combination.
Sometimes, I can do something about the situation that I use to create anxiety in myself. I can take kind and constructive action.
I pay attention to my diet and how different foods affect me. Whole and simple foods seem to work very well for me. I do better without much grains. Sugar and refined foods gives an initial boost, followed by several hours where I feel off, often with a combination of anxiety, depression, and feeling drained.
Drinking a good amount of water – with lemon, herbal infusions, as kombucha etc. – helps me a lot. My system feels more balanced and resilient.
I use the natural stress release process in the body, through spontaneous shaking, trembling, stretching, sounds, and so on. (Tension and Trauma Release Exercises / TRE.)
I identify and examine stressful thoughts to find what’s more true for me, and I look for underlying and more essential stressful thoughts. (The Work of Byron Katie.)
I notice that my thoughts are exactly that, thoughts. They are imaginations – about the past, future, and present. They are not reality. They can help this human self orient and function in the world, and that’s about it. If I have stressful images about the future, those are imaginations, they are guesses, they are not the actual future.
If I notice I feel off and exhausted, I intentionally avoid thoughts about the future and the past and anything I don’t need to take care of immediately. I put it off until my system is a little more balanced, usually after drinking water, eating something, and taking a nap or sleeping. Usually, this is the morning after.
I do tonglen, the Tibetan Buddhist practice of “giving and taking”. I visualize someone in front of me, imagine their suffering as black smoke, breathe it in on the in-breath, breathe out light that fills them, and repeat for a while until I notice a good shift. I do this with anyone I notice a strained relationship or I actively dislike, or someone I like, myself (especially in situations where I suffer), or groups, non-human beings, ecosystems, the Earth as a whole, and so on. I often start with one person and then expand to include me, larger groups, and end with the Earth as a whole. This helps me shift into a grounded kindness.
I thought I would list a few ways to think about others that make sense to me, seems aligned with reality, and can be transforming.
THEY ARE CONSCIOUSNES LIKE ME
In one sense, I am this human self in the world. That’s an assumption that works reasonably well, although it’s not what I fundamentally am.
When I look in my own first-person experience, I find I fundamentally am something else. I find I am what any experience happens within and as, including this human self, others, the wider world, states, thoughts, emotions, and so on. I am what a thought may call consciousness, and the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am.
Based on reports and what makes sense, I assume this is how it is for others as well. To themselves, they are fundamentally consciousness, and the world as it appears to them happens within and as the consciousness they are.
Whether we notice or not, we are fundamentally the same. It’s just the particulars of the bodymind that we function through that’s different. This shifts how I see others.
THEY MIRROR ME
Others and the world mirror me.
I can take any story I have about someone or something, turn it to myself, and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true. Most likely, I can even find how it’s true in the moment I have the thought about the other.
It may not look the same, but I can find the same dynamics.
We are in the same boat. They help me find more of my own richness. They help me relate to more sides of myself in a more conscious way.
HOW I SEE THEM SAYS MORE ABOUT ME THAN THEM
How I see others inevitably says more about me than them.
It says how I tend to perceive the world. It says something about what stories I hold onto as true. It may say something about my wounds, hangups, and traumas.
I don’t really know anything about anyone, and I have far from the full picture, so it doesn’t really say much if anything about them.
THEY HELP ME SEE MY HANGUPS
Others help me find my own hangups, wounds, traumas, and where I hold onto a fixed view to find safety.
Whenever I get stressed, it’s a good chance it’s because (my ideas about) life – often in the form of others – rubs up against a fixed view and identity in me.
THEY WANT THE SAME AS ME
They want the same as me. They want to avoid suffering, and they want to find contentment, happiness, connection, love, acceptance, alivness, a sense of being home, and so on.
We all want the same, whether we are an insect, bird, or human. We are the same in this.
THEIR WORLD IS AS RICH AS MINE
Their world and life is as rich as mine.
To them, their life is as rich as my life is to me.
WHAT I (THINK I) KNOW IS MINISCULE COMPARED TO WHAT I DON’T KNOW
What I think I know about someone, or about anything at all, is miniscule to what I don’t know.
With more information, I may see them in a very different way. It’s almost certain that I would.
So it’s worth holding my ideas about others – and myself, and anything in life – lightly.
MY THOUGTS ABOUT THEM ARE GUESSES
My thoughts about someone are guesses. They are provisional.
They are based on very limited information and a lot of questionable assumptions, biases, and so on.
They are something to hold very lightly and as questions only.
IF I KNEW MORE, I WOULD UNDERSTAND AND FIND EMPATHY
If I knew more about the other, judgments would give way for understanding and empathy.
I may not agree with their words and actions. In some cases, I may even want to stop some of their actions. And I would still have understanding and empathy.
IF I HAD THEIR BODY AND MIND, I WOULD BE LIKE THEM
If I had their body and psyche, just as it is, I would be like them. I would be them.
IF I HAD THEIR CONDITIONING, I WOULD BE MORE SIMILAR TO THEM
A softer way to say it is that if I had their biologial, psychological, and social conditioning – if I had the same influences as they have – I would likely be very similar to them.
If I had their ancestry and genetics, if I had their upbringing, if I lived in their culture and subculture, I would be very similar to them.
WE ARE ALL A PRODUCT OF OUR TIME AND PLACE
We are all a product of our time and place. I grew up in a reasonably well-educated middle-class family in Norway, went to University, and so on. My views are generally very predictable based on my background.
If I grew up in a small town in Siberia or Texas, my views and life would likely reflect that background.
IF I BELIEVED THE SAME STORIES AS THEM, I WOULD PERCEIVE AND LIVE LIKE THEM
If I believd the same set of stories as someone, I would perceive the world and live in the world much like them.
Most of us seem to believe some of the same universal and painful stories, partly because we live in a similar culture, and partly because we are human.
I know how painful it is for me, and I imagine it’s as painful for them.
(I happen to have tools to identify and question these stories, and most don’t which makes it even more difficult for them.)
THEY HAVE CHALLENGES LIKE ME
We all present a certain image to the world.
I do too, and I know very well that what’s going on here is far more than the different images I present to others and the world in different settings and circumstances.
That’s how it is for others too. They present a certain image to the world, and it’s just a small part of what’s going on.
They have their own challenges, just like me.
A SMALL KINDNESS CAN MEAN A LOT
Whenever someone is extra kind to me, I remember. It makes an impression, and it can mean a lot to me, especially on difficult days or in challenging periods of life.
A small kindness can mean a lot to others, as it does for me.
COLLECTIVE AND INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA
We all have our share of collective and integenerational trauma.
It’s inevitable from growing up in a family and living in a society and culture.
And the further over on the dominance side of the spectrum our culture is, the more trauma we likely have inhereted. (Unless we happen to grow up in an unusually healthy and conscious family, although even then there will be blindspots and some inhereted trauma.)
We are in the same boat here. We are all dealing with much of the same, and it’s not as personal as it may seem.
HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE
Hurt people hurt people.
If someone hurts others and themselves, it’s likely because they have been hurt.
They are reacting to and living out their own trauma. (And in the process possibly passing it on.)
I do this too. When I hurt others, it’s typically because I am hurt and I am unable to relate to it with kindness and awareness in the moment.
It doesn’t justify hurtful words and actions, but it can help us understand.
Here too, we are in the same boat.
WE ARE EXPRESSIONS OF THIS LIVING SYSTEM AND EXISTENCE
We are all temporary and local expressions of this living system and existence.
Everything we are and live has innumerable causes going back to beginning of time (if there is a beginning) and the widest extent of the universe (if there is a widest extent).
As Carl Sagan said: We are the universe bringing itself into consicousness. We are the local eyes, ears, thoguhts, and feelings of the universe.
We are fleeting and local expressions of the whole. What we see as personal is the fleeting and local expressions of the larger seamless whole we are part of.
We are existence – the universe, this living planet – fleetingly and locally expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself as and through us.
We are all part of this grand adventure.
WE ARE LOVE
The oneness I am is love. It’s a love independent of changing emotions and states. It’s the love of the left hand removing a splinter from the right. And the love we are can, and often is, covered up by hangups, wounds, hurt, and painful stories.
Here too, we are in the same boat.
NOT NEW BUT POWERFUL WHEN LIVED
None of these views or pointers are new or especially complicated.
It’s pretty simple. And they are also quite powerful and transforming when lived.
How is it to select one of these and stay with it for a few hours, days, or even weeks? How is it to live from it in daily life?
What’s missing from this list? Which ones are especially alive for and important to you?
I have written about this before, and feel called to revisit it.
Are there paradoxes? I cannot find any.
Right now, I am trying to find examples of paradoxes, and they are not coming to mind.
THE APPEARANCE OF PARADOXES
That said, I understand how there can be an appearance of paradoxes.
If we have bought into a certain set of ideas, we can make it look as if there are paradoxes.
Here are the two essential ones:
(a) A thought can reflect a full, absolute, and final truth. A thought is true or not.
(b) If one thought is true, alternate thoughts cannot be true. Only one perspective is true, not the other.
THE NATURE OF THOUGHTS
For me, it’s not that way.
(a) Thoughts are questions about the world. They are here to help me orient and navigate in the world and have a limited practical function only. They are provisional and always up for revision.
(b) Each thought has limited validity. The kind of validity it has is different for each thought and has to be explored. Usually, it’s valid in a few different ways.
APPARENT PARADOXES
So to a list of apparent paradoxes.
A good way to approach it may be too look for polarities since I imagine these may appear as paradoxes to a certain mindset.
God is everything – including all we call good and bad, or good and evil. –> God forms itself into all of it. It’s all the divine expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways. The play in itself is the purpose. Our ideas of good and bad, or good and evil, are ideas. They are not inherent in reality. Here, we can replace the word “God” with existence, the universe, this living planet, or something similar.
I am consciousness and matter. –> To me, the appearance of matter happens within and as the consciousness I am. In my first-person experience, what a thought calls matter is made up of the consciousness I am. It has to be that way. I also see that the appearance of matter comes from sense field information – sensations, sight, sound, taste, and so on, with an overlay of mental field representations. (This only says something about my nature, it doesn’t say anything about the nature of existence itself.)
A person can be good and bad. –> Yes, of course. We all have all in us. Everything I see in the world mirrors what’s in me at a human level. I can take any story I have about someone or something, turn it to myself, and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true. Also, ideas of good and bad are created by the mind, they are not inherent in reality. They reflect our own biases and culture, not anything else.
An experience, something I lived, can be good and bad. –> Again, yes of course. It all depends on the perspective, and they all have some validity. I have had a chronic illness since my teens. I can see it as unfortunate in that it has limited my activities and life in the world in many ways.
I can also see it as a gift. It has allowed me to find my value independent of activity and achievements. It has allowed me to explore simpler ways to explore my nature. (For instance, to notice that this whole field of experience is already noticed and allowed. It’s noticed by the consciousness I am before the noticing is consciously reflected in mental representations. It’s allowed by the consciousness I am, by the capacity I am, by space, by life.)
Also, good and bad are ideas created by this mind. They reflect similar ideas from my parents and culture. They are not inherent in reality or life.
I asked AI for a list of more apparent paradoxes, which had slipped my mind. These are ones I have explored a lot since my teens.
Emptiness and fullness. –> What I am is capacity for this whole field of experience, and forms itself into it all. The consciousness I am forms itself into any and all experiences. In that sense, I am emptiness and fullness. That’s the nature of consciousness. Empty and full are two aspects of the same.
One and many. –> To me, the world – and all experiences – happen within and as what I am. In that sense, it’s one and many. It’s all consciousness taking these appearances, and it takes many appearances. The mental field can create inumerable imaginary dividing lines that creates the appearance of many out of it. One and many are two aspects of the same.
No-self and self. –> There is a human self here, in a conventional sense, and also mental representations of a doer, an observer, and so on. And it’s not what I more fundamentally am. The consciousness I am, which forms itself into the appearances of all of it, can also be called a self, although it’s a self without an other.
Seeker and sought. –> This hasn’t been as big a part of my process as it has for some, but it can appear as a paradox. The consciousness I am seeks itself. It may take itself to be something within itself – this human self, a doer, observer, and so on – and seek itself without noticing that it already is it.
Doing and non-doing. –> This human self is doing a lot of things. And yet, it’s not what I more fundamentally am. He happens on his own. He lives his own life. There is also doing and non-doing in a more conventional sense. After waking up, I wait to see what this human self will do. When is he getting out of bed? At a human level, I wait to be moved, and it happens at the right time.
Doing and non-doing in explorations. –> When I explore my nature, or this human self, there is also a mix of apparent doing and non-doing. It all lives its own life. It’s all happening on its own. At the same time, there can be intention here, curiosity, receptivity, a sense of urgency. That too happens on its own, and moves this human self.
Effort and effortlessness in explorations. –> There is a mix of effort and effortlessness in explorations. Many explorations – basic meditation, inquiry, even heart-centered practices – involve noticing what’s already here. The noticing itself is relatively effortless, and nothing needs to be created or manufactured. At the same time, there is some effort in that there is intention.
Freedom and absence of freedom. –> There is freedom here in a few different ways. For instance, there is a freedom to notice and allow what’s here, since it’s already noticed and allowed. There is even a freedom to allow this human self struggling with what’s here. That too is already noticed and allowed. When there is healing for issues, there is a sense of freedom from the dynamics around the issue. When a story is seen through, there is more freedom around the story. At the same time, there is no freedom since it’s all happening. It all lives its own life. This human self cannot decide what’s here in the sense fields. At a human level, there is surrender to what’s here. Even if it’s a surrender to the struggle that this human self experiences, and sometimes engages with.
THOUGHTS ARE QUESTIONS
Are these paradoxes? Only if we stay within the realm of thought and assume the validity of different thoughts are mutually exclusive, and that seems misguided. (It’s an expression of the mindset that came with the agricultural revolution.)
I notice that each of the examples above involve a polarity. My mental field creates the idea of a polarity, to help make sense of the world. It also sees how there is validity in each end of the polarity, and in the polarity as a whole and its dynamics.
The thoughts are questions, and there are different kinds of validity in each thought. Togther, they create a richer and fuller picture.
They create a map, a way to help me orient, that gives a fuller picture, although there is always more to explore and further to go. These questions only scratch the surface.
Reality is always different from and more than my maps. It’s also less than my maps.
In what way is it less than? One example is that it’s capacity for it all, taking all these forms.
MY EXPLORATIONS
In the year before the oneness shift in my teens, I got into Fritjof Capra and systems views. This helped me explore all of this – how thoughts are questions about the world, provisional, and that the different thoughts and perspectives all have some kind of validity. (Even the most outlandish ones have some kind of validity, for instance, as projections.)
In the oneness shift, all this came strongly to the foreground. What I write about here was what was revealed to me and what I explored at the time.
I have continued to explore this in many different ways.
Mainly, by noticing.
And also through different forms of more intentional and structured explorations like basic meditation and different forms of inquiry. I have especially enjoyed the Big Mind process, sense field explorations / Kiloby inquiries, The Work of Byron Katie, and the Headless experiments.
That’s a normal way to talk about it in our culture. We put the cause out there in others or the situation.
It’s also misleading and somewhat unfortunate.
I MAKE MYSELF ANGRY
If I get angry when I see my ballot, it’s not because the ballot made me angry. It’s just a piece of paper with some black scribbles on it. It doesn’t have that power. I make myself angry from the way I am thinking about it, and how I relate to those thoughts.
Where I imagine the cause reflects and influences how I relate to the anger and the situation.
In the first case, I imagine or pretend or – at the very least – talk as if the cause is out there in others or the situation. I may tell ourselves that my reaction is justified. They created it in me. They caused it. I easily go into the blame game. I may see myself as the victim of someone or something.
In the second case, I remind myself that this is something I create for myself. It’s easier to take responsibility for it. I notice there is a shift in how I relate to it. I remind myself that I have some control there. I am not a victim. It’s up to me.
LANGUAGE IS IMPORTANT
This is why language is important.
If I say “I made myself angry when I saw the ballot”, it’s a clear reminder to myself and others that I created it for myself. It’s difficult to go into the blame and victim game. It invites more reflection and a more sane and mature way to relate to it.
That goes for any reaction. I make myself sad, scared, depressed, and so on. I make myself feel overwhelmed. I make myself elated, joyful, and blissful. I even make myself fascinated, passionate, or fall in love.
Of course, this is not something I always do consciously or intentionally. Sometimes, it “just happens”. And yet, it’s created by me. It’s created by my psyche.
The stories I tell myself about something make it happen. In many cases, it’s the stories parts of my psyche tell themselves that make it happen.
CURIOSITY
This language of ownership does another thing, and that is to make me curious about what’s going on.
When I say “I made myself angry”, it brings up curiosity.
How did I make myself scared? What story did I tell myself?
Where did that story come from? (Family, culture, an experience?)
What consequences does that story have? How does it make me see the situation? What does it bring up in me? How does it make me see myself?
Is it true? What’s genuinely more true for me?
What’s the validity in the reversals of the story? Can I find genuine and specific examples of that validity?
A SIMPLE ENTRY
Just by changing my language, a lot else can shift as well.
How is it to use the “I made myself…” language in this situation? How is it to use it with myself, in how I talk with myself about it? How is it to use it with another, a witness?
What does it open up for?
What becomes easier? (Maybe to own my response and explore the stories I tell myself about it?)
What becomes more difficult? (Maybe to go into the blame and victim game?)
Does it feel vulnerable? What am I afraid would happen if I use this language? I am afraid to lose the opportunity to blame and be a victim? I am afraid to be more naked with myself and others?
A SMALL CHANGE WITH A SNOWBALL EFFECT
This is an example of a small change that can have a big cumulative effect.
If I use the blame language, it leads to a cycle of blame, victimhood, and more. It leads to feeling that I don’t have control. It distracts me from looking at myself and how I relate to situations and my thoughts.
If I use the ownership language, it leads to a cycle of owning my own reactions and exploring these. It leads me to feel there is some control here. It leads to more authenticity.
This small change is, quite literally, life changing.
HOW IT IS FOR ME
I don’t always use this language, but it is often in the back of my mind.
If I use the conventional language, I often notice and translate it to a more honest language for myself. I explore how it is to do it, at the very least for myself, and sometimes also with others.
For me, it’s easier to do it with others if I feel they are receptive, but I wish to explore doing it more in general. There is no good reason to not do it.
A recent post reminded me of a question: Can the consciousness we are recognize itself (be awake to itself) while still holding onto fixed views?
I can only speak from my own noticing and experience and it’s all provisional.
To me, as so often, the answer seems to be yes, no, it depends, and it’s complicated.
YES
Yes, it seems it can recognize itself in a general sense, while many parts of our psyche still hold onto fixed views. Consciously, our psyche may also hold onto fixed views in some areas of life.
The consciousness we are recognizes itself, and different parts of our psyche holds onto fixed views that may or may not match our conscious view.
Our psyche may hold any kind of fixed view: political views, worldviews, ideas about how life should be and how people – ourselves and others – should behave, identities of being a victim or unlovable or anything else, and much more. Any thought can become a fixed view.
This seems to happen out of habit and to protect this human self. It’s from confused love. It comes from and creates a wound.
These are parts of us that are not yet onboard and aligned with the awakening. They live in and create their own world, and will inevitably color the perception and life of this human self.
NO
We can also say no, it’s not possible for both to be true at the same time.
If parts of our psyche operate from fixed views, they are not aligned with the awakening.
If we consciously adopt those fixed views, we are not aligned with the awakening.
The consciousness we are identifies with the viewpoint of the fixed story. It takes itself to fundamentally be something within the field of experience. (It pretends, for a while, it is.)
When that happens, the consciousness we are is mistaken about its nature. It doesn’t clearly recognize itself as what it all happens within and as.
It may fluctuate between (a) recognizing itself more clearly while the fixed views goes into the background, and (b) getting caught up in the fixed views and not recognize itself so clearly.
IT DEPENDS & IT’S COMPLICATED
A lot of this depends on definitions, and it’s nuanced.
In my experience, both of the views above are valid in their own way and neither is the full picture.
The yes above seems accurate in a general sense. Over some time, both are true, and they can even be true at the same time if there is not such a strong conscious identification with the fixed view.
The no is also accurate in that there tends to be a fluctuation between the two, with one in the foreground at a time.
IT’S A PROCESS
The consciousness we are noticing itself is not a process. It’s either here or not.
Just about everything else is a process.
To keep noticing through the day, and independent of changing experiences and states, is a process. It’s a new habit that forms and deepens over time.
To notice the different parts of our psyche holding onto fixed views is a process. Recognizing the signs, identifying them, inquiring into them, and so on, is a process.
To invite them to heal and align with our nature recognizing itself is a process. It involves learning to relate to them in a more conscious and intentional way, with more kindness, understanding, and support.
In short, for all the different parts of us to come onboard with the awakening is a process. It’s ongoing. It likely doesn’t have a finishing line. (At least not in this life.)
What is the difference between nondual Vedanta and nondual Tantra? While both are pointing to the ultimate nondual nature of consciousness, they have several key differences in their approaches and philosophies.
Advaita Vedanta views the world as an illusion (maya) without ultimate reality or Consciousness, while Tantra sees the world as real and a manifestation of Divine Consciousness. This fundamental difference in worldview leads to contrasting approaches in practice. Vedanta emphasizes detachment from the body, emotions, and worldly attachments to realize the true Self. In contrast, Tantra embraces the body and worldly experiences as sacred expressions of consciousness. Tantra helps us to “digest” worldly experiences and see them as expressions of consciousness. While Vedanta can easily lead to spiritual bypassing, Tantra, especially left-handed, can lead to indulgence.
I am sure there are nuances here, but based on this text, it seems that both approaches assume something about existence itself.
THE SMALL UNDERSTANDING OF AWAKENING
I prefer an approach that seems simpler and closer to my own experience.
In my own first-person experience, I am what the world – as it appears to me – happens within and as. I am consciousness, and the world as it appears to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am. I have and am the characteristics of consciousness.
This seems to be what mystics across traditions and through time have described.
I can say explore and something about my own nature, but I can’t say anything for certain about the nature of all of existence.
This is what I like to call the small understanding of awakening. It’s simple, and it stays close to my experience and what I can say something about (my own nature as it appears to me) and what I cannot say something for certain about (the nature of existence itself).
A FEW POSSIBILITIES ABOUT THE NATURE OF EXISTENCE ITSELF
As for existence itself, many things seem possible.
We can call existence as a whole, whatever it is, God or something similar, without assuming we know anything for certain about it.
Can assume that all of existence has the same nature as us, that it is consciousness taking all these forms. We can call that Spirit, God, Brahman, and so on. This is a relatively common assumption, especially among mystics.
It’s common because, since the world to us appears within and as the consciousness we are, it inevitably appears as consciousness. The world appears as consciousness, so if we don’t pay attention, it’s easy to assume that’s how the world really is.
We can assume that the world, in itself, doesn’t exist. That the world, as it appears to us, is like a dream or a virtual reality created for us. That’s a slightly dangerous assumption since it can lead to forms of nihilism.
We can assume that the modern materialistic view is largely correct. We are fundamentally a physical being and consciousness is somehow created by the brain. Even in this situation, we are – to ourselves – fundamentally consciousness and the world, as it appears to us, happens within and as the consciousness we are.
All of these, and I am sure many more, are possible. They all are compatible with what we find when we explore our own nature.
FINDING FLUIDITY BETWEEN THE PERSPECTIVES
My own nature is the same independent of all these assumptions of the nature of existence itself, and that’s what counts. That’s what I can continue to explore, and continue to explore living from and as.
When it comes to all the different assumptions about existence itself, I prefer to be honest with myself, and that is that I cannot know for certain.
I also see that each assumption has value, gifts, and limitations.
I stay with the small understanding of awakening, which leaves the nature of existence itself open. This is simple and honest, and it provides a language that can serve as a lowest common denominator for sharing and talking about our findings across time and traditions.
From here, I can explore the many assumptions about the nature of existence, to the extent it’s important to me, and find fluidity between them. I can find the value, gifts, and limitations within each one.
VALUE & LIMITATIONS IN A FEW PERSPECTIVES
Frist, the small understanding of awakening itself. It’s simple, close to my experience, honest. It provides a lowest common denominator language. It can be used in academic settings. It allows for most (nearly all) common assumptions about the nature of reality itself.
The downside is that it can appear a little uninspiring to some who are more inclined to devotion, big philosophies, and so on. (I happen to not see it that way myself, I find it as inspiring and fascinating as anything.)
Seeing all of existence, whatever it is, as God helps us find the sacred in everyone and everything, which is sorely missing from our Western worldview. This fits well with systems theories, holarchies, and so on.
The typical mystical worldview is of all of existence as consciousness AKA the divine, Spirit, God, and so on. This can be inspiring and give us a useful context for the life of our human self in the world. Many signs – synchronicities, distance sensing and healing, and so on – fit with this assumption. (This is how it appears to me too, and where I would put my money, but I also know I cannot know for certain.)
What if the world doesn’t exist? What if it’s all some kind of virtual reality? It is possible, although it’s an assumption with some obvious practical pitfalls. It opens for a kind of nihilism that can create a lot of problems for this human self in the world.
The modern materialistic worldview is certainly also possible. Matter comes first, and consciousness somehow is created from it. Our experience of ourselves and our nature would be the same. We are still consciousness to ourselves, and the world as it appears to us happens within and as that consciousness.
The upside of allowing for this view is that it matches the mainstream academic worldview, and that of many people in the world today. It allows for curiosity about our nature and awakening even among those who subscribe to a materialistic worldview. In a practical sense, for our life, I find it’s actually a pretty good guideline. It means we need to be good stewards of our life.
The downside is that it’s a pretty strong assumption without much to back it up, and the question of how consciousness appears from matter seems almost impossible to solve (at least as of now). It also doesn’t account for synchronicities, sensing and healing at a distance, and similar well-known phenomena.
SENSE FIELDS & INQUIRY
All of these assumptions are mental images and words. They are created by and happen within the sense fields.
In a sense, that’s more important than the content of the different assumptions. When I recognize them as mental representations, it’s easier to see them for what they are.
They are guesses about the world. They help me orient and navigate in the world. They don’t reflect any full, absolute, or final truth. Reality is different from and more than any of them.
They also have an effect. If I use them as guides, how do they influence my perception and life? If I hold them as true, what happens? How do I live my life?
I find the Kiloby Inquiries (sense field explorations) and The Work of Byron Katie (identifying and exploring assumptions) helpful for this exploration.
I also notice that all of these assumptions co-exist in me as questions about the world, and one or another comes to the foreground at different times, often according to what seems appropriate or helpful in the situation.
WHY DON’T MORE SPEAK ABOUT THIS?
To me, it seems pretty clear that I cannot say anything for certain about the nature of existence itself, and it’s also irrelevant for most – if not all – of my life. It seems far more doable and interesting to explore my own nature and how it is to live from and as that noticing.
It also seems pretty clear that all of the many perspectives about the nature of existence itself have value and limitations, and it makes sense to explore each one and find some fluidity between them.
So why isn’t this talked about more often?
Maybe it is, I just happen to not know. Because of my illness, I dropped out of this world – where people write and talk about these things – almost two decades ago.
Not knowing is central to some traditions, like Zen. We cannot know anything for certain, including the nature of all of existence. We can only explore our own nature and how it all appears to us.
Some may be familiar with it, but don’t see it as fascinating or important in a practical sense. (I find it both fascinating and practical.)
For some, it may be too obvious so it’s not interesting to talk about. That’s how it is for me if it stays at a general level, although I find it interesting to explore in my own experience.
Maybe this is a more modern view and many still like to adhere to traditions. (To me, it’s more about what seems to work for me.)
For some, it may be easier to make assumption about the nature of existence itself, although that seems at odds with what awakening reveals. In my experience, awakening reveals that I cannot know anything for certain, especially not about something I don’t have a direct experience of.
I can explore my own nature. I can notice that the world, to me, appears as consciousness since it appears within and as the consciousness I am. I know I cannot know anything for certain about the nature of existence itself.
Almost against my will, I find myself fascinated by why so many support Trump’s policies (and Project 2025), even if it will very likely hurt them1.
WE ARE NOT ALWAYS RATIONAL
Why do some support Trump and his policies even if it will likely hurt them?
The short answer is likely that these things are not completely, or even mostly, rational. Or it’s rational in a way I am not aware of or wouldn’t call rational.
I tend to investigate, learn, and think through these things, and support and vote for the one(s) who seem to have the best policies for society as a whole, for ecology, and for future generations. So I – unconsciously and viscerally – assume it must be like that for others too, even if I know it’s not always that way. It’s not always that way for me, in other areas of life.
Why did many in Germany in the 1920s and 1930s support Hitler even if they (somewhere in them) must have known that his ideology – based on misinformation, hatred, and division – would lead them into dictatorship and disaster? It was certainly not just for rational reasons, or for reasons that fit my kind of rationality.
A GUESS: IGNORED BY THE POLITICIANS AND THE “ELITE”
Why do some support Trump even if his policies will likely hurt them?
The main reason may be that many feel let downby politicians and the “elite”. They feel overlooked, ignored, and left to fend for themselves. They don’t have good social safety nets. Their income may be below the poverty line even if they work two jobs. They see a few others earning huge amounts of money. They may see their bosses earning tens or hundreds or more times as much as they do, and apparently do less for it. They are aware of the enormous and increasing gap in income and wealth between the few wealthy and the many poor.
They know that mainstream politicians have done little to help them. Neither Democrats nor Republicans have taken this seriously, prioritized it, and done much about it. They know that policies often follow the interests of Big Money and that politicians are in the pockets of corporations and the super-wealthy. (Of course, there are politicians who take this seriously, but it’s limited what they can do because of the system they function within.)
This is nothing new, of course. This inequality and ideologies to justify it came with the agricultural revolution. It’s inherent in our system. The most recent form is the neo-liberalism made popular in the 1980s (Reagan, Thatcher) and continued until now. I have seen statistics saying that the wealth inequality in the US these days is similar to France before the French Revolution, and although there are several ways to calculate these things, I wouldn’t be surprised. They had their revolution, and the US has Trump.
I completely agree and sympathize with the frustration that inevitably comes with this dramatic inequality. At the same time, I don’t understand how Trump can be the solution (if anything, he is this problem on steroids), but I understand the desperation, frustration, anger, and despair that can lead someone to support a candidate who seems different and outside of the mainstream.
This also points to a solution to the Trump and emerging fascism problem in the US: Create good social safety nets. Tax the super-wealthy and use the money for the benefit of everyone. Make higher education tax-sponsored and free to the students. Implement good universal healthcare. (Far less expensive than the current system.) Encourage strong unions. Take the concerns of the working class seriously. Of course, this is easier said than done. Strong forces oppose this, and many ordinary citizens have been brainwashed to reject these solutions.
MORE GUESSES
What are some more specific reasons? Why do some support Trump even if his policies may hurt them?
Some may be guided by misinformation. They assume his economic policies will be good for them, and don’t realize that tariffs are ultimately paid by ordinary people and that the tax cuts go to the already extremely wealthy, not to them (their taxes are likely to go up).
Some may be seduced by his cheap scapegoating of minority groups. Instead of going into a real analysis of the problem, Trump blames immigrants and foreigners for the problems in the US. (A classic leaf out of the fascist playbook.)
Some know that he has a dislike or hatred for their group – women, people of color, immigrants, LGBT+ – but other things take priority for them. They may be loyal to the Republican party. They may be misled to think his economic policies will be good for them. Maybe they think his policies targeting these groups won’t affect them.
Some may assume that much of his rhetoric is political theater. He says a lot of weird things, and he won’t actually do it. They ignore Project 2025 and that he has a system, people, and plan in place to do exactly what he says he will do.
He says he will use the military against US citizens, he will persecute his political enemies, he will be a dictator from day one, he will consolidate power in the presidency, he will undo the normal checks and balances of democracy, he will limit the freedom of the press, he will replace civil servants with loyalists, and so on, and he won’t actually do it, in their mind. (Or maybe they naively assume it won’t matter that much.)
Some may see him as a strong leader or successful businessman and the right person to lead the country and don’t care much about his specific policies. Of course, he is not a strong leader. He is far too volatile, irrational, and egocentric to be a good leader. He is also far too enamored with authoritarian leaders abroad to be able to stand up to them.
He is also clearly not a successful businessman. Would a successful businessman have time or interest in signing on to a TV show? (The Apprentice.) Would a successful businessman have six bankruptcies?
Would a capable businessman have such a huge string of past and current lawsuits against him? Would a good leader have so many people from his previous administration go against him in public, calling him dangerous, unhinged, and fascist?
A few extremely wealthy may benefit from his economic policies, at least in the short term. It comes with a huge cost to the rest of society, and especially several minority groups, and they don’t seem to care enough about that to not support him.
They also don’t seem to care that his policies will very likely be damaging to the US – and US economy – in the long run. He alienates former allies, he loves tarrifs, he doesn’t support research or higher education, he wants to undo the fabric of society that makes the US work as well as it does.
Some may be contrarians. Most media, experts, and well-educated liberal people see Trump as deranged, unhinged, and fascist, so they want to support him just to poke the liberal elite in the eye. They prioritize this over supporting someone who, by all normal criteria, actually is a fascist.
Some may see someone who mirrors their own pain and hatred. He hates women, people of color, LGBT+, immigrants, and so on, and they do too. They are happy that he seems to validate their own hatred and don’t care much about anything else. Some within these groups may have internalized this hatred, even if they are the target. Some may also see themselves as the exception: Yes, I am a woman, person of color, immigrant, LGBT+, but I am not like others in that group.
Said another way, some may resonate with his trauma behavior. Trump is a living ball of trauma behavior. They too have trauma and choose to deal with it through going into anger, bigotry, us vs them thinking, blame, scapegoating, and so on, so they resonate with it in him. He is one of them. They don’t care so much about the rest.
Some may not know enough about history to realize that this is exactly how democracy dies. Trump’s approach fits all the hallmarks of fascism, and the shift into a dictatorship has often looked just like the Trump movement looks now.
Some, about half of us, have a genetic predisposition for conservatism. Some of these may lean towards supporting any conservative candidate independent of specifics.
Some say they want change just of the sake of change. They don’t care so much what kind of change. To me, this seems profoundly misguided.
Some may think that anything is better than what they have now. To me, that’s a clear trauma response. They don’t realize what they have and how much worse it can get. They likely don’t know enough history to understand, or they assume it won’t be that bad or that they won’t be affected.
Some see him as the Great Disruptor that will usher in something new. Yes, he will. At least, he will try, although the changes may not be what you wish to see or experience. His dystopian world may not be as amazing as you think or lead to the changes you wish to see.
Some see their privilege fading, as white Christians in an increasingly more diverse society. They are so attached to being on top of the hierarchy that they cannot bear being just one group of many. This is so important to them that they don’t care if they lose democracy, if large groups of innocent people are made to suffer, if their economy worsens, and so on.
Some may have a zero-sum mindset. They assume, perhaps based on personal painful experience, that if you win, I lose, and for me to win, you must lose. Trump embodies that zero-sum mindset. They overlook that the world is full of examples of win-win solutions where we all benefit. (The social safety net in the Nordic countries is one of many examples.)
WHAT’S RATIONAL TO ME MAY NOT BE RATIONAL TO YOU
I have my own ideas of what’s rational, and these reflect my own background and biases.
To me, it’s rational to find solutions – and support policies – that seem good for society as a whole, for the living systems we are part of, and for future generations. I support democracy since, although it’s a flawed system, it’s the best we have. I seek win-win-win solutions since they are better for all of us. I support inclusivity since a more inclusive society is better for all of us.
What’s rational for someone else may be different. As mentioned above, they may operate on misinformation. They may prioritize one or a few things, and ignore or be OK with the rest that comes with it. For them, that’s rational.
THE WORLD IS MY MIRROR
The world is my mirror, also here.
I can take any one of the stories I have about Trump or his supporters, turn it to myself, and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true. Most likely, I can even find it in the moment I have these thoughts about them. I do what I see in them, at this moment.
That’s humbling, and it’s also amazing, liberating, and enlivening. It helps me find more of my own richness. It helps me relate to these sides of me with a little more awareness. It helps me see myself in them and erode my imagination of me versus them.
This is an ongoing process. My fascination, which I started with in this article, is a clear sign that there is more for me to explore and discover here. The fascination is a sign that I see something in them I am not so aware of in myself yet.
Also, all of this is happening within and as what I am. The consciousness I am forms itself into all of it.
THE UPSIDE OF TRUMP
What are some upsides of Trump?
He highlights the frustration among many about the growing inequality coming from decades of neo-liberal policies. He highlights how the working class feels left behind.
He highlights the weirdness of the US political system where one candidate wins the popular vote, and the other becomes president. (Because of the arcane, outdated, and essentially meaningless electoral college.)
He mirrors what’s in all of us. He shows us our shadow. (Whether we consciously notice, embrace, and make use of it is another matter.)
A Trump presidency will fuel a lot of effort to create a more life-centered and kind society. Many of us will channel our frustration into this kind of work. (I know it’s that for me.) It will create even more of a sense of urgency.
Who knows what social dynamics will be set in motion from a Trump presidency? In a slightly larger historical picture, it’s a blip, and we may see it as a transition leading into something more life-centered. (The question is if we have time for this now, considering we are in the middle of a global ecological crisis.)
We will still live our daily lives. Life moves on. Whatever he represents and creates will not last. There have been many like him throughout history, and they are soon left in the dust of history after some years or decades.
THE BIGGER PICTURE
There is a bigger picture here too.
The Universe forms itself into this living planet and us, including our politics and social dynamics.
It’s all part of existence expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways.
It seems that the exploration is the point, not any particular outcome.
From another angle, we can say that this is Spirit taking all of these forms. It’s Spirit expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in all of these ways.
It’s the play of existence. And just like a theater play, it’s the experience that’s the point.
NOTES
How may those voting for him be hurt by his policies? What are some examples of how they are voting against their interests? (a) Latinos may be deported or have friends or family deported, even if they are legally in the US. Trump will seek to find ways to remove the protection even of many who are in the US legally, so they can be deported. This, of course, goes for all immigrants. (b) Trump will find ways to erode the already weak social safety nets in the US. If you benefit from the Affordable Care Act (Obama-care), Medicaid, or similar, you may find you suddenly lost it. (c) In general, Trump’s aim is to funnel money to the already super wealthy and away from everyone else. If you are not super wealthy, you will likely find you are in a worse financial situation. (d) He is unhinged, and unhinged policies are generally not good for the society or economy. (e) Although he seemed war-averse during his first term, that may change. Trump 2.0 will likely be quite different from Trump 1.0. (f) If you live in the US, you’ll find that society becomes increasingly more polarized. That’s not good for anyone. (If you are bigoted, you may think so, but it’s not true.) (g) If you are a worker, expect your worker rights to be eroded. (h) If you have a child in school, or work in the public school system, expect the school system to be further weakened. (i) If you like democracy, or the ability to speak up without fear of the consequences, or free press, expect all of that to get worse. (j) Expect the US economy and position in the world to worsen over the coming years and decades through the gutting of science and education. (k) Expect the US position in the world in general to worsen, through Trump’s bullying and mafia tactics in terms of international relations. (l) Don’t expect much of a boost in terms of foreign students and visitors to the US. Most people around the world don’t like facism or countries that elect facist leaders.
These are just a few examples, and none of it is very difficult to predict. It comes naturally from his words, actions, and generally inclinations. It’s also a part of his playbook, Project 2025.
NOTE ON ELECTION DAY
It’s the morning of the election day in the US (November 5, 2024). The ones I follow predict (a) a clear win of the popular vote for Harris which doesn’t matter, and otherwise (b) a very close election that (c) can lead to a landslide in either direction because of the winner-takes-all system in the US, (d) and likely a very messy situation if Harris wins. How that messiness unfolds is anyone’s guess, although it will likely involve many legal cases, a politicized legal system, intimidation, possible violence, and so on.
Trump has, of course, set the stage by repeating that the previous election was stolen and that the only way he can lose this time is if they steal it again. This is another example of his habitual projections. He says that others are doing, or will do, what he is planning to do or are already doing.
I am also reminded that the US has a long history of undermining and overthrowing democracies and installing right-wing governments. Now, they may be doing it to themselves. I guess that’s a kind of karma. They are finally applying their habit to themselves.
UPDATE JULY 2025
It’s now July 5, 2025, and the “big bill” has been approved by congress. This bill is explicitly designed to fullen money to the already extremely wealthy (tax cuts for the rich) and cut programs that benefit everyone else, including the most poor.
There is nothing new here. This is what we knew Trump wanted to do, and what he had everything in place to do, long before the election. This is what Project 2025 is about.
Still, more than half of the voters in the US voted for him and these policies, and these changes that directly hurt most of them.
I haven’t written follow-ups to my 2024 posts about Trump because there isn’t much to say. What’s unfolding is what we knew would unfold, unless a miracle happened.
The ones who voted for him are hurt by his policies. It’s what we knew would happen.
Of course, we see that in many other areas of life. Daily, the vast majority of people vote for “business as usual” – with their lives, priorities, money, and in elections. They want us to go further into global ecological overshoot. They want the collapse of our civilization. That’s what they vote for through how they live.
They can’t say they didn’t know, because this information is widely available. They can’t say they thought someone else would take care of it, because that obviously isn’t happening. They can’t say they thought we had more time, because we are already in the middle of it.
It’s a long time since I was into Buddhism so I don’t remember exactly.
I imagine that it, on one level, refers to avoiding excess in one direction or another. Don’t indulge too much and don’t deny yourself too much either. Explore your nature regularly although leave space for the rest of your life as well. And so on.
When I look at it, I find something else. The ideas of excess and the middle way both have to do with polarities. We imagine polarities. We imagine what’s mapped onto on those polarities from one end to the other. And so on. These mental representations are maps and they help us orient and function in the world. They are immensely important in that practical and pragmatic sense.
At the same time, they are mental representations. When we see that, and get it more viscerally, that’s another kind of middle way. It’s a middle way that appears when we recognize those mental representations as mental representations, as mental images and words. They are questions about the world. They have practical value only, and cannot hold any full, final, or absolute truth.
Another side of this is that I can find each end of the polarity in myself and in my life. I can find genuine and specific examples of how they are here in me. I can take the perspective of each end of the polarity, and the polarity itself, and explore from there. This too helps me find more fluidity with it, which is another middle way.
Yet another side of this is implied above. The ideas of polarities happen within my mental field. It happens within and as the consciousness I am. What I am forms itself into the appearance of all of it. It’s a middle way since it’s all content of experience, happening within and as what I am.
We are local and temporary expressions of larger social and ecological systems, so our whole life and existence is impacted by our global ecological crisis.
Our life-support system is in a massive crisis, we notice and know, and this will inevitably bring up things i many of us – stress, grief, anxiety, anger, old trauma, a wish to work for change, and so on.
I won’t write a detailed and general overview, but I can share some of what I have found that helps me:
WORLDVIEW & ASSUMPTIONS
I explore more nourishing and life-centered worldviews, and I actively work on allowing these to transform me.
I love the Universe Story. It’s based in science and gives a context of wonder and awe for our lives. We are the local and temporary expressions of the unfolding of the universe. We are the universe bringing itself into consciousness. We are the local eyes, ears, thoughts, and feelings of the universe. The history of the universe is, in a very real sense, our history. It’s how we came to be.
Similarly, I am a local and temporary expression of the always-evolving living system we call Earth. I am nature.
Everything I am and know – thoughts, feelings, actions, human civilization – are local and temporary expressions of this unfolding universe and the processes of this living planet.
This is a view of holarchies, of wholes within larger wholes and with smaller wholes within it. It’s a view of all as inherently sacred. If we want, it’s a view of all of reality, whatever that is, as God.
This is a more life-centered worldview. It helps me see myself as an intrinsic – temporary and local – expression of the unfoldment of it all. It helps me hold my thoughts and assumptions more lightly.
IDENTIFYING THE LESS LIFE-CENTERED WORLDVIEWS AND ASSUMPTIONS
This is in contrast to the conventional worldview of our civilization, which is of separation. This is the worldview of our agricultural civilization, aimed at justifying unequal access to resources, domestication, social hierarchies, abuse of living beings and nature, theft of the land of those who are “inferior”, and so on.
Here, we are separate from nature. Mind is separate from body. Only humans have souls. The sacred is in a god in the sky. We should take someone’s word about the fundamentals of who and what we are, and pretend we believe it (whatever that means). Western civilization is superior. Nature is here for our benefit. Nature is infinite. Thoughts can tell us the full, absolute, and final truth about something. We best understand something by taking it apart to its smallest parts. If one thought is true, other perspectives must be false. Some emotions are good and others are bad. We see the world in polarities where one end is bad and undesirable and the other good and desirable. And more.
I find it helpful to know some of this history, recognize these kinds of worldviews and assumptions, explore the effects of these, and find worldviews and assumptions that are more life-centered and can help us develop a more ecologically sound civilization.
OTHER ASSUMPTIONS
I also use other assumptions that, in my experience, fit with a more life-centered worldview.
I see all beings as primarily consciousness. They are consciousness to themselves, just as I am, and we all live through different bodies with different psyches. All beings are then fundamentally the same as me. All beings want happiness and to be free of suffering, just like me.
Thoughts are questions about the world. They have a practical function only, to help us orient and function in the world. They cannot hold any full, final, or absolute truth. The world is always more than and different from our maps.
If people act in destructive ways, it’s either because of the system we are all part of or trauma. Usually, it’s both. The system leads to trauma, and the system and trauma come together to bring about destructive actions. (This is the system that comes from a worldview of separation.)
BEFRIENDING EXPERIENCE
I explore befriending my experiences and wounded parts of myself.
How do I relate to this experience that’s here? These sensations, mental images, words? Can I find a more gentle and kind way to relate to it?
When I experience distress, it comes from distressed parts of me. It’s not all of me. These parts want the same as me: Love, kindness, acceptance, understanding, support. How is it to give it to them? How is it to give them what they most deeply want? How is it to be a good parent to these parts of me?
ALLOWING MYSELF TO BE HUMAN
I allow myself to be human with easy and difficult days and the full range of human experiences, thoughts, emotions, hopes and fears. It’s normal. It’s human. It makes me like anyone else.
In a very real sense, these emotions are the emotions of this living system we call Earth. They are the local and temporary expressions of Earth, in this case, responding to what’s happening to itself. (Filtered through the usual biases, interpretations, hangups, and so on that this particular local and temporary expression of this living system has.)
THE REALITIES OF LIVING IN THIS SYSTEM
Most of us live within this global civilization which is inherently ecocidal and suicidal. It’s a system that assumes separation from nature, and infinite natural resources. That means that all of us, inevitably, live lives that are somewhat ecocidal and suicidal. It’s mostly about the system, and less about us as individuals.
I know that living in this system, my life will inevitably be somewhat destructive. It’s inevitable. It’s not personal, it’s how it is for all of us. What I can do is do my small part in nudging it in a more life-centered direction.
ENGAGEMENT
I do whatever small things I can do in my own life. I compost. Eat organic and local if possible. Take public transportation unless I have a good reason to use a car. Vote for those who take our ecological crisis seriously.
I am also in the fortunate situation that I have land in the Andes and am working on regeneration, reforestation, and creating a food forest here. I love the work we are doing to help this land. This morning, I planted more Maya nut seeds, and participating in the regeneration in this way, in partnership with the nature here, is deeply rewarding and meaningful.
Engagement in the solutions, even in apparently small ways, gives a more visceral sense of hope.
COMMUNITY
I seek out communities of like-minded people. I loved being at the Zen Center in Salt Lake City. I love the Breema community. I love the Permaculture community. I love the people in the Green Party in Norway that I have met. When I am reminded of the Universe Story, Deep Ecology, Permaculture, systems views, and so on, I feel connected to a worldwide community of people who share these interests and this orientation.
Here in the Andes, I seek out and have found people who work with regeneration, bodymind practices, and so on. Just knowing about them helps me a lot, and I also enjoy the interactions and exchanges.
VOTING
Voting alone is not going to save us, but it is an important piece of the puzzle.
If I know what’s happening in the world today, and it’s the consequence of the policies of the parties that have been in power for decades, it makes no sense to vote for these.
I personally vote for, and am a member of, the Green Party in Norway. They get the situation, want to do something about it, and get enough votes to be included in the government.
I identify and question my stressful stories. For this, I generally use The Work of Byron Katie, although I did it so much that The Work mostly does itself.
This is an effective way to explore – to notice and own – projections and the shadow. What I see in others is also here in me. Whatever story I have about someone else, I can turn it to myself and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true.
I am in the same boat as everyone else. I am not inherently better or worse. (Also because ideas about better or worse are just that, ideas. It’s not inherent in reality.) I live in the same system as everyone else.
MEDITATION & YOGA
I have done a good amount of meditation in my life, although these days it’s mostly in the form of noticing in daily life. I especially like basic meditation – to notice and allow what’s here, fail at it, and then notice it’s all already noticed and allowed.
I find training more stable attention very helpful, it supports just about any activity in daily life and also general well-being.
I have also variously done tai chi, qigong, yoga, and Breema, and love it. It’s nourishing and brings me home to myself – as bodymind and the consciousness it’s happening within – in a more visceral way.
NOTICING MY NATURE
I have used the Big Mind process and Headless experiments to explore my nature, although these days I mostly just notice.
In one sense, I am a human being in the world. That’s not wrong. It’s an assumption that works relatively well, although it also comes with inherent stress and discomfort.
In my own first-person experience, I find I am fundamentally something else. I am what the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as. I am consciousness, and the world, to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am.
This gives a different and more real context to this life and everything else.
I should mention that this says something about my nature, not the nature of all of existence, and that’s more than enough. It leaves the nature of all of existence open for question and exploration.
HEART-CENTERED PRACTICES
I use tonglen and ho’oponopono.
In tonglen, I visualize someone in front of me. It can be an individual (including myself) or group or the whole world. I see their suffering as black smoke and breathe it in. In me, it transforms to light and I breathe that light out and into the other(s). I repeat many times until and beyond there is a deepening shift. This helps me viscerally see myself in others, it opens for empathy, and any sense of division softens and/or goes away.
In ho’o, I similarly visualize someone – perhaps someone I have a difficult relationship with in my life or the world. I say: I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you. (To me, they happen within and as what I am so this makes sense, although it works even if it doesn’t make sense at a thought level.)
NATURE
I love to spend time in nature. The more untouched the better, although any nature is nourishing – even if it’s just seeing the sky and clouds outside the window. I love to work in the garden. It’s amazing how plants grow and how a plant comes out of a seed and knows how to do all of it.
It also helps me to notice that I am nature. Everything around me is nature. It’s all this living system we call Earth forming itself into all of it, including what we think of as human civilization.
DON’T KNOW
I don’t know how this will all unfold. I don’t know what will happen with Earth and human civilization.
It’s possible we won’t have much time left, and that’s OK. Our time as a species and civilization always had an expiration date.
It’s also possible that some of us will come out at the other end.
I don’t know. I can know what science says. I can know the different scenarios and how likely each of them looks to us now. And I cannot know for certain.
For me, there is peace in resting in that don’t know. It’s what’s most honest to me.
DEATH GIVES LIFE
I also know that death gives life. The death of stars made this planet and us and all we know possible. The death of species allows new species to emerge. The death of individuals give space for new individuals.
Death is what allows everything we know.
We wouldn’t be here without it. This universe as we know it couldn’t exist without it.
THE BEAUTY OF THE FLEETING
Everything has an expiration date. Our civilization has an expiration date. Our species has an expiration date. I have an expiration date. It will all be completely gone one day, with no-one to remember any of it.
That can seem sad and terrible, and there is also an immense beauty in it. There is an immense beauty in that everything is fleeting. Everything has its time and is then gone.
IMPERMANENCE & OUR NATURE
One of the beautiful things in the fleeting nature of everything is that it invites us to notice our own fundamental nature.
Everything in my field of experience is fleeting. It’s always changing. Everything about this human self is fleeting and changing.
So how can I fundamentally be any of it? What am I more fundamentally?
I find I am what it all happens within and as. To myself, I am consciousness forming itself into all of it.
Getting this in mental representations is one thing. It’s a good start and can give inspiration to explore it in immediate noticing. What it is about is the noticing and viscerally getting it through noticing. That’s where it transforms this human self, over time. And it is more than possible to notice it and keep noticing it. If there is a sincere wish, and some guidance, it’s more than possible.
Matt Licata has a book out called The Path is Everywhere. I love the title, and I love his approach, so I plan to get it. (Although because of my brain fog, I’ll likely not read it in full. In general, I can’t read more than very short texts or excerpts.)
When I hear book titles or read quotes – or anything – I like to use it as an opportunity for exploration.
What does this title bring up in me? What do I find when I explore it as a pointer?
THE PATH IS EVERYWHERE
This is the path. What’s here is the path.
In a direct sense, it’s all happening within and as what I am. It’s happening within and as the consciousness I am. Whatever path there is – whatever content of experience there is, however the world shows up to me – that’s the path.
Also, what’s here is the only path. Any other path only exists in imagination, in mental representations.
In a conventional sense, what’s here are the ingredients for the meal I can make out of it.
So whatever path I am on and however it looks, this is the path. In that sense, the path is everywhere.
THE OPPORTUNITIES HERE
Whatever is here in content of experience, my nature can notice itself.
Whatever is here, it’s an opportunity to notice that my nature has formed itself into it. It’s all the consciousness I am taking these forms.
Whatever is here, it’s an opportunity to relate to it with a little more kindness.
Whatever is here, it’s an opportunity to be a little more sincere and honest with myself.
Whatever is here, it’s an opportunity to find a little more healing for my human self.
In this sense too, the path is everywhere.
GOING OFF MY PATH
This is something I have explored a lot in my own life, not the least because I felt I got profoundly off track – at a very human level – more than a quarter of a century ago.
I went against a very clear inner knowing on a major life decision, felt I got profoundly off track in life, and I am still recovering from it. I made a choice that was not authentic and based in fear, and I got to live the consequences.
At some point, I had the thought that I had gone against the divine will, although that’s clearly not true. I went against my own inner guidance. Whatever happens, including that, is life moving. Whatever happens is, in a sense and if we want to use that language, divine will.
It has profoundly humbled me, and it has somehow – through a lot of messiness – gotten me here to this life.
DIFFERENT PATHS
We can definitely go off our path in terms of what’s authentic, what our inner guidance tells us, and so on. I would never advice anyone to go against their own inner guidance since it has consequences, and sometimes far more profound consequences than we imagine.
At the same time, life creates a new path and we never know where it will take us. As they say, our path is made as we walk.
We never know what could have been or what will be. I have no idea what would have happened if I followed my guidance on that major life decision. It’s not a given that it would have been amazing in a human sense. Similarly, I would never have imagined it would lead me to develop a food forest in a beautiful place in the Andes.
And, as Matt Licata says, the path is everywhere. It’s everywhere in several different senses.
Yesterday morning, I was removing most of a cat’s claw (uña de gato, Uncaria tomentosa) vine near the entrance to the garden of the small house. The cat’s claw is a native pioneer and invaluable for the recovery of the ecosystem when the land is degraded.
In this case, I wanted to remove one to make space for new plants. The process wasn’t too easy, and somehow, it reminded me of inquiring into beliefs and working on identifications in general.
THE CAT’S CLAW NETWORK OF BRANCHES AND THORNS
The cat’s claw has sharp thorns that connect with whatever it touches, so I started by removing a lot of smaller branches on the outside of the vine.
I cut and pulled on them, but they would attach to other branches making it difficult to get them out. They would also attach to my clothes and skin.
After removing them, I would work on the next layer. And the next, until I finally got to the main central branches.
INQUIRY INTO A NETWORK OF BELIEFS – WITH THEIR OWN BRANCHES AND THORNS!
When I explore beliefs with The Work of Byron Katie, it’s similar. For it to be effective, I often need to work on a whole network of connected beliefs.
The Judge Your Neighbor (JYN) worksheet is great for identifying some to start with.
During inquiry, more come up and I keep a note of them for later.
It’s also possible to ask some questions under question three to get to connected and/or underlying beliefs. For instance: What’s the worst that can happen if…? What do you most fear will happen if… What’s your first memory of having that belief?
BELIEF = IDENTIFICATION = IDENTIFYING WITH THE VIEWPOINT OF A STORY
What is a belief?
There is a simple answer: It’s when I hold a thought as true. I hold the story told by the thought as true. I perceive and live as if it’s true.
More accurately: The consciousness I am identifies with the viewpoint of a story. It perceives and lives as if it is that viewpoint, at least as far as that is possible. It pretends to do so and makes it appear very convincing to itself.
A HOLARCHY OF IDENTIFICATIONS
It seems that beliefs and identifications form a kind of holarchy. A nested set of systems or networks from small to larger to the full system.
There are smaller networks of closely related identifications, often with one or a few underlying assumptions. Then, there are larger clusters of beliefs with a set of related underlying beliefs tying them together. Finally, there is the system of all the beliefs and identifications together.
Some are more closely related, and some are more distantly related, but they are all interconnected. They all prop each other up. And most of them rest on a network of a few underlying universal beliefs.
To take one example of a small network of beliefs, resting on one or a few underlying beliefs: If she is making that face, it means she doesn’t love me and will leave me. If I am not a good boy, they won’t like and accept me. I am different (and that’s bad). I am an outsider. Nobody likes me. And underlying these: I am unlovable. I am unloved.
A HOUSE OF CARDS?
I remember Adyashanti talking about identifications and, at some point, we may find and examine one that makes the whole house of cards fall apart. That’s like getting to the central vines when removing the cat’s claw.
I suspect it’s true and also not the full story. With the whole house of cards, I suspect he means that some central identifications fall away so that the consciousness we are more easily recognizes itself. That’s true enough, but there is likely a network of identifications left to be explored.
GLOBAL VS LOCAL
The consciousness I am may generally and globally recognize itself. That shift happened here when this human self was sixteen, and it’s still here.
At the same time, my system still holds onto a whole network of identifications and painful beliefs. Parts of my psyche hold onto painful stories as true, and perceive and operate as if they are true.
I am a whole ecosystem, and my conscious view and orientation is just the context for it all. It’s far from the whole story.
THREE STATES OF THE ECOSYSTEM
Default mode. Sometimes, the consciousness I am notices itself and recognizes all appearances as itself, at least when attention goes there. Not too much else is going on. That’s how it is right now.
Relating consciously to what’s triggered. Sometimes, the consciousness I am notices that wounded parts of the psyche are triggered. It’s able to notice what’s happening, recognize it as happening within and as itself, and relate to it more consciously. (Really, it’s my psyche relating to itself more consciously.)
In this state of the ecosystem, these wounded parts – the ones still holding onto painful stories as true – can be seen, felt, met, recognized as love, loved, welcomed, and so on. This helps them to unwind, relax a bit, and even recognize their own nature.
Caught up in what’s triggered. There is also another state of the ecosystem, and that’s when a wounded part of me gets triggered, and my conscious view joins in. The consciousness I am identifies with the viewpoint of the painful story that a part of the psyche holds as true. At an obvious level, this usually doesn’t last too long.
Of course, reality is not quite as clean. There can be a mix of some of these, and one can flow into another relatively quickly.
COLOR MY PERCEPTION AND LIFE
I am also very aware that no matter what state the ecosystem is in, many different parts of my psyche still hold onto beliefs. These inevitably color my perception and my life, and I am not even aware of exactly how.
That’s why a big part of my journey has been to explore healing and finding healing for these many parts of me still living in confusion, pain, and as if certain painful stories are true.
AN ONGOING PROCESS
When the initial oneness shift happened, it was astonishing and turned everything inside out and upside down. It completely changed the life of this human self in the world.
At the same time, I was very aware that it was only the beginning. There is always more to explore and get familiar with, more maturing that can happen, more healing to find, and so on.
One aspect of this is to identify and explore the painful beliefs parts of me still hold as true, even if my conscious view may be quite different from these stories.
It’s an ongoing process, and that’s wonderful in many ways. It means the adventure continues.
(I first wrote the previous sentence as “and that’s wonderful” and noticed parts of me that don’t see it that way feeling excluded. I changed it to “in many ways” as an acknowledgment of the experience of these parts of me.)
Yes, our ideas of age and just about everything else are cultural. They’re specific to our culture, and it’s easy to imagine and find examples of cultures that see it differently, including where old age is highly valued.
Value judgments come from our minds and are not inherent in reality. There is nothing in reality that says one age is better than another. It’s all part of life. It’s all part of natural cycles, and each age plays an important role.
Ideas about how aging looks also come from our minds and culture, and reality can be very different. For instance, for each age group, people these days are younger and healthier than just a few decades ago.
IDENTIFYING AND EXAMINING STRESSFUL THOUGHTS ABOUT AGING
Since we live in a culture with ideas about aging, we internalize and live with these ideas whether we consciously believe them or not. That’s why it’s good to identify and examine these ideas and find what’s genuinely more true for us. (It has to be sincere and genuine to sink in and transform us.) The Work of Byron Katie is effective for this, especially when guided by an experienced facilitator. We can find some of our stressful thoughts by answering prompts: Aging means… When I get old…
One turnaround I can see now is “I am too old to be useful” –> “I am too old to be useless”. I am too old to be useless because… I know too much. I have learned too much. I have lived too much. I have a different perspective compared to when I was younger.
SHAPING OUR AGING
There are also ways we can age with grace and even delight. Questioning our stressful thoughts is a good start. In addition, we can… eat low on the food chain. Find meaningful activities. Find or develop communities of people of many ages. Use gentle regular movement (tai chi, qigong, yoga, Breema, gardening, dance, etc.). Explore gratitude, for instance through all-inclusive gratitude practices.
COMMUNITY LEVEL
At a community level, there are also things we can do. We can build retirement homes and kindergartens in the same building and set up activities that join people of different ages. We can move to an intentional community with people of all ages, which helps us stay active and can give us the support we need.
FINDING ALL AGES IN ME AND MYSELF AS AGELESS
Another side is that we have all ages in us, and we are also ageless.
At a human level, everything I see in the world is something I have in myself. I have all ages in me, and all the different ways we can be at each age. The more I get to know these sides of me, the more rich my experience of myself and the world is, and the more fluidity I have in how I live my life.
More essentially, I find myself as that which the whole content of experience – this human self and the wider world and anything else – happens within and as. To myself, I am consciousness, and the world to me happens within and as the consciousness I am. I am what forms itself into the experience of this human self, the wider world, states, thoughts, feelings, and any sense of time and space. Here, I am ageless. I am no age space for any age. I am no age forming itself into the experience of any age.
WHAT I AM DOING
I am not very old yet, but this has been in the back of my mind since early in life, and I have done and am doing all of these things in different ways, although I want to emphasize tai chi, qigong, Breema, and other movement explorations more. I am getting more familiar with the many different ages in me, and I am also curious about how it will be as I keep exploring living from noticing my nature, or my nature noticing itself.
As with just about everything I write about, there is nothing new here and it’s all well known. At the same time, it’s relatively basic and essential to my life so I enjoy reminding myself of it.
The mind may want to find something new and exciting, and yet, bringing the essentials into my life in a consistent way is often more important and effective.
What helped you find your spark as a child? What fascinated you? What made you come extra alive?
What did you want to do with your life after you had grown up?
For me, it was adventure and nature. I loved adventure stories and read voraciously – Jules Verne, Ray Bradbury, comic books by Carl Barks and Franquin, and much more. All had to do with exploration and adventure.
When I grew up, I wanted to be involved with nature. I wanted to work as a biologist, although what I really wanted was to work as a zoologist or ecologist although I didn’t have those words then.
This is still what brings up the spark in me. It’s still what makes me come extra alive.
Fortunately, life itself is an exploration and adventure. Living, relationships, art, music, science, sustainability – all of it is an exploration and adventure. Life is exploration and adventure, and death is the same.
And nature is close by. It’s close by in a conventional sense and I have spent a lot of time in forests, deserts, and wilderness (at least, what goes for wilderness these days). In a more real sense, I am nature and everything I am and know is nature. It’s all expressions of natural process. I am the Earth – the dynamic living processes of Earth – taking this local form for a little while, walking around, feeling, talking, exploring, and so on.
I have explored nature through awakening, healing, being in nature, finding myself as nature, working in sustainability, and these days with the regeneration and food forest project here in the Andes.
The question is always: What made me come extra alive as a child? What fascinated me? How can I bring more of that into my life now? In what ways is it already here and I just need to notice?
What seems the most like I? What seems the “closest”? Is there a center here that seems like an I?
How is it to take myself as it, even if it appears subtle? How is it to live from and as it?
How is it to notice it’s an object within the field of experience like any other object? How is it to perceive and live from and as that?
How is it to notice I am capacity for it all – the consciousness that forms itself into any and all appearances?
What sensations are connected with the sense of I? How is it to notice the sensations as sensations?
What are the words associated with it? How is it to notice these as words?
What are the mental images associated with it? How is it to notice these as mental images?
FASCINATION WITH WHAT SEEMS THE MOST LIKE “I”
I have had a fascination with exploring what seems the most like “I” since the initial oneness shift in my teens.
The way I have explored it has changed a bit over time and also reflects a particular phase of the process.
THE CONTEXT
In one sense, I am this human self in the world with roles, identities, skills, wounds, hangups, traumas, and so on.
I find that in my own first-person experience, I am something else. I am more fundamentally what all of this, and anything within the field of experience, happens within and as.
I am what a thought may call consciousness, and the world to me happens within and as the consciousness I am.
I find this through logic as well. If I “have” consciousness, it means that to myself I AM consciousness. It also means that the world, to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am. The consciousness I am forms itself into any and all experiences, with no exception.
A SENSE OF I
The consciousness we are can identify with and as a thought that says we are fundamentally something within the content of experience: this human self, a doer, and observer, and also a range of other identities like a son, daughter, parent, victim, and so on.
That creates a sense of being an I, and it creates a sense of the rest – whether it’s connected with our human self or the wider world – as Other.
PARTS OPERATING FROM SEPARATION CONSCIOUSNESS
Even when the oneness we are recognizes itself, there will be parts of the psyche – often wounded parts – still operating from separation consciousness.
These will color our perception and life even if they are apparently dormant.
When these are triggered and come more strongly to the surface, the consciousness we are may temporarily “forget” its nature and identify with and as the painful stories these parts of us operate from. It will temporarily go into duality and operate from duality.
It will take itself as an I with a particular view and identity, and everything else is Other.
SOME THINGS SEEM MORE I
In my experience, even when the consciousness I am notices itself, there are still some things that seem a little more “close” and more an “I”.
In my case, I notice it in some physical sensations in the top of my mouth towards the back and in top of the throat. I sometimes also notice it with the idea of a doer or observer.
They are like small and slightly more dense islands in the oneness, and when attention goes there, they are recognized as what they are – islands of sensations, mental images, and words.
INVESTIGATING WHAT SEEMS MORE AS AN I
I find it very interesting to explore these.
I notice anything within the field that seems a little more like “I”.
I notice these too are objects within the field of experience just like anything else. They don’t have a privileged position.
I notice the sensations. I notice they are sensations just like the other sensations here.
I notice some of the words and mental images associated with it. I notice they are words and images.
I notice I am what all of this – the whole field of experience – happens within and as. These parts of the field happen within and as what I am just like everything else.
BASIC MEDITATION
Basic meditation is a valuable support here.
It often starts with having the intention to notice and allow what’s here, and failing at both to some extent.
I then notice that what’s here in the field of experience is already noticed and allowed.
Over time, at a visceral level, and whether it’s consciously noticed or not, there is a grokking that all content of experience comes and goes, including any sense of an I. If that too comes and goes, can I fundamentally be it? Am I fundamentally something else? What it all comes and goes within?
This helps soften any identification with and as an I although it is, it seems, a long process.
MORE SYSTEMATIC EXPLORATIONS
Sometimes, I investigate this in a more systematic and guided way, and the more organic explorations outlined above are partly informed by these.
The Big Mind process creates a contrast between finding ourselves as Big Mind and the different perspectives created by thoughts.
The Headless experiments creates a contrast with our nature and what it forms itself into.
The Work of Byron Katie helps identify and investigate thoughts and find what’s more true.
The Kiloby Inquiries is a modern version of traditional Buddhist sense field inquiry and perhaps the most direct and effective way to explore any I sense.
WHERE WE ARE IN THE PROCESS
Some explorations into who and what we are seem useful throughout the process, including basic meditation and heart-centered practices.
Others are more specific to the particular phase we are in and our inclinations and other circumstances.
What I have written about here mostly applies when our nature is relatively familiar with noticing itself.
If our nature is less familiar with noticing itself, some of these approaches can be quite effective, especially The Big Mind process and the Headless experiments, along with sense field explorations.
IN MY CASE
In my case, my nature relatively easily notices itself. My world is recognized as consciousness forming itself into appearances. It’s all consciousness.
When attention goes somewhere else, this particular noticing goes more into the background.
Attention can go to an object or task. Here, the object of attention can be noticed as consciousness. Or attention may not go to that aspect of it. Either way is fine.
Several parts of my psyche still operate from separation consciousness. These are wounded parts of me. Here, consciousness locally – as these parts – identify with the viewpoint of painful thoughts. This inevitably colors my perception and life. Sometimes, when these are triggered, attention gets absorbed into them and there is identification with the part more at a surface level. (Get caught up in an issue.)
Even here, parts of me know what’s going on.
NOTES
There are close to 5000 private articles on this website, and this one was one of them for a couple of months. Why don’t I make them public? Mainly because something about them doesn’t feel quite right. They feel a little off and/or too convoluted. In that case, it makes sense to scrap what I have written and start afresh, and when I do, what comes out is usually simpler and clearer. In this case, I decided to publish the more convoluted article as is. Sometimes, I also keep long articles private because I keep finding more connections and things to say and it feels a bit too much for my brain-foggy mind. Often, I forget to return to the article to simplify it and instead move on to other topics.
Teller of Penn and Teller here describes the essence of all (?) magic tricks: We fool ourselves by the story we tell ourselves of how the world works.
WE FOOL OURSELVES
Based on our experiences, we use a wide range of mental shortcuts to make sense of the world. These mostly work well in daily life, which is why we keep on using them and why they often are “invisible” to us. Magicians intentionally make use of these to fool us. We fool ourselves.
SOME EXAMPLES FROM THE WORLD OF MAGIC
For instance, we see a head at one end of the box and feet sticking out at the other end. It’s natural for us to assume the head and feet belong to the same person. When the two parts are separated, we shock ourselves since what we see doesn’t conform with what we expect.
We see two guys at a table dropping objects moving in impossible ways. At first, it seems inexplicable since we know how gravity works. As the bigger scene is revealed, we realize it was all performed upside down.
HELPFUL
These mental shortcuts help us immensely in daily life. They mostly work well, and they help us use our attention, energy, and time for what’s more important.
For instance, I assume that if I step off a step in a staircase, gravity will help my foot land on the next step. If I see someone walk behind a tree, they are still there it’s just that I can’t see them anymore. If I see someone who looks and sounds just like like someone I know, it’s likely that person. And so on.
STRESSFUL
In some cases, we create a lot of stress for ourselves by using these mental shortcuts. We may operate on assumptions about ourselves and the world that are out of alignment with reality, and that’s inherently stressful.
I assume I am unlovable, despite all evidence on the contrary. I assume someone meant something terrible with what they said or did, while it was far more innocent. I assume my future will be a certain way, while I can’t know for certain.
MISS SOMETHING ESSENTIAL
We can also miss something essential. We may not notice our nature.
We assume we are this human self in the world. After all, it’s what others tell us and it’s an assumption that works relatively well in daily life.
And yet, when I look in my own first-person experience, I find something else. I find I am what the world – all content of experience – happens within and as.
I am what a thought may call consciousness, and the world to me happens within and as this consciousness. My nature forms itself into any and all content of experience. It’s all I have ever known.
This is interesting in itself, and noticing it transforms my perception and how this human self lives his life in the world.
THE MOST AMAZING MAGIC TRICK
This is likely the most essential and amazing magic trick we can perform for ourselves.
For a while, we assume that we fundamentally are this human self. It’s an assumption that works relatively well, although it comes with inherent stress.
We may not even notice this assumption. If we do, we may not seriously question it. And if we question it, it may be only mentally.
Then, our nature notices itself, and our world is turned inside-out and upside-down. Our nature is consciousness. To us, the world happens within and as the consciousness and the oneness we are. The oneness we are forms itself into our experience of everything.
We realize we operated on a fundamental assumption that’s ultimately wrong.
WE MISS WHAT’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF US
In all of these cases, we can use our assumptions about the world to miss what’s right in front of us.
We overlook that the head and feet belong to two different people.
We miss out on noticing that our stressful thoughts about the world are innocent questions about the world, that the world is not like that, and that the reversals of these thoughts also have some limited validity in them.
We miss out on noticing our nature, even if it’s what’s closest to us and all we have ever known.
The good news is that we don’t have to miss out on this. We can investigate and reveal some of the “hidden secrets”.
INVESTIGATION
Since childhood, I have had a fascination with magic tricks and find it gives me a multi-layered enjoyment. I enjoy the performance if it’s done well. (Even if it’s not there is a certain enjoyment.) I enjoy being baffled if it’s a new trick to me. I enjoy imagining how it may be done. Often, I go out of my way to learn how it most likely was done. When I realize the likely method, I may get a little disappointed (if it’s a gimmick), I may be hugely impressed (if it requires advanced skills or a lot of preparation), or I may laugh if the method is very simple and also impressive (the Voodoo needle is one example).
When I notice stress, I know I am performing a magic trick on myself. I hold an assumption more true than it very likely is. Often, I identify the stressful thoughts and investigate them. What happens when I hold the thought as true? How would it be if I couldn’t? What’s the validity in each of the reversals of the original thought? Can I find specific and genuine examples? How is it to take one of those as a guideline for my daily life? I can do the same with underlying and related thoughts. (The Work of Byron Katie.)
I also explore how my mind creates its experience of me and the wider world. How does something appear in the sense fields? In sight? Sound? Taste and smell? Bodily sensations? The mental field? (Words and mental images.) What’s there in the actual senses? What’s there in the mental field? What happens when I recognize the mental field as the mental field? Words as words? Mental images as mental images? What happens when I notice sensations as sensations? What associations has my mind created between bodily sensations and the mental field? Does certain sensations lend a sense of solidity and reality to certain thoughts? Do the thoughts give a sense of meaning to those sensations? How is it to notice each as distinct from each other? (The Kiloby Inquiries.)
I explore what I fundamentally am. I find I am what the world to me – this human self, the wider world, anything else – happens within and as. I find I even more fundamentally am capacity for all of it, consciousness and what it forms itself into. I explore how it is to live from and as this noticing. (The Big Mind process, Headless experiments.)
MULTI-LAYERED ENJOYMENT
This is a rich landscape and exploring it offers a rich enjoyment, just like exploring the many facets of magic tricks.
Just like with magic tricks, there is always more to explore and discover, and more performances to enjoy.
And just like with magic tricks, there is often some discomfort inherent in the process. That’s part of a deeper enjoyment of it all that seems to be here, whether I notice it or not.
You think your pain and your heartbreak are unprecedented in the history of the world, but then you read. It was books that taught me that the things that tormented me most were the very things that connected me with all the people who were alive, who had ever been alive.
— James Baldwin
This reflects the universal insights that (a) our suffering reflects universal suffering among humans and likely most if not all beings, and (b) that’s one of the things that connects us, that gives us empathy and understanding for each other.
Of course, it doesn’t come just – or even primarily – through books. It comes through honest conversations with others. It comes through any kind of storytelling. It comes through therapy with a good therapist. It comes through inquiry like The Work of Byron Katie.
And it’s not just about humans, it’s about all beings. We all suffer in very similar ways. We all long for freedom from suffering. We are all, very likely and to ourselves, consciousness although the body this consciousness is connected with can be quite different.
In recent conversations, two people in my life (SE and AL) have brought up the topic of shame and guilt in the context of healing.
For me, they are pointers to something unhealed in me, and I noticed this especially clearly during the times I have been immersed in The Work of Byron Katie. Especially the third question seems to bring it home: How do you react, what happens, when you believe the thought?
They are pointers to unexamined painful stories, unloved parts of me, unfelt feelings.
They are indicators showing me what’s left.
So a natural question then is:
What do I still have shame and guilt about? What’s still left to explore?
For me, the main one is leaving my guidance – and myself and the path I was on – in my late twenties. I abandoned what was most important to me because I felt I “should”, and felt profoundly off track. It put my life on a different track, and it was painful for me. It still is, to some extent, because there is more to see there. More to find love for. More stories to examine. More clarity to find.
Another is myself. Guilt and shame about myself come up, especially in social situations and with new people. I feel I am not good enough. Not as good as them. Unlovable. This is obviously from early in life and there is still some left even if I have explored it off and on for a while (=decades).
With both of these, the charge is usually not as strong, I recognize them as old issues when they come up, I recognize them as parts of me, I have befriended them to a good extent, and – at least in some situations – I seem able to live my life from my whole and not just these parts.
I am also very aware that since there is more for me to explore here, they do color my life and perception, and I inevitably have blind spots related to them.
How do I navigate meaning and purpose in my own life?
In general, I follow what’s fascinating to me, what sparks something in me, and what makes me come a little more alive. It may be something small or expressed in a small way, and then I see where it leads.
I take my surface wants and needs and trace them back to more essential, and often universal, wants and needs.
And I examine my stressful thoughts related to meaning and purpose to find more freedom around them.
EARLY IN LIFE
As a child, I was fascinated by just about everything. I loved nature programs on TV, I loved Cosmos by Carl Sagan, I loved reading science magazines, I loved reading in general, I loved exploring, I loved nature and the night sky.
When I was sixteen, there was a shift where the oneness and consciousness aspects of my nature came strongly into the foreground. The consciousness I am showeditss nature to itself very clearly.
This threw me in at the deep end in exploring my nature – as consciousness and consciousness taking the form of this human self and the world.
At a human level, I had been fascinated by parapsychology before this, but I was a self-proclaimed atheist and regarded religion and spirituality with disdain.
Now, I found myself fascinated by what spirituality is about, and in the process wanting to learn more about what others have found in their own explorations and how they talk about it.
I followed this fascination through my own explorations, reading, and also – to the extent I found it there – university studies.
I also followed my passion for art and expressing what I was exploring in art. Not by telling, but by allowing it to be expressed naturally and inevitably in what I created.
FOLLOWING THE VOICE OF WOUNDS
I also followed the voice of my wounds at a crucial point in my twenties, which dampened my spark and passion. I got married, she wanted to move to another state, and I decided to abandon my own life and the path that felt deeply right for me and instead support her.
I felt profoundly off track, and although I followed my fascination in my sustainability work, I also dampened my passion and spark for what was even more juicy for me including meditation, prayer, body-centered practices, and art. It was too painful to engage in it because as soon as I did, my inner guidance would tell me clearly to get out of the situation and back on track in life.
As I followed my unexamined fears, I knew what I was doing, although I was unable to get out of it for many years. Life had tapped into deep traumas in me that made me make life choices different from those I would have made if they were not there.
EXPLORING MEANING AND PURPOSE
How do I explore meaning and purpose?
As I mentioned above, I mainly explore it by noticing and following what sparks something in me, what makes me come a little more alive. Often, it’s small things and I see where it leads me. It can be going for a walk in nature, feeding the birds, eating ice cream by the ocean in the summer, the explorations I write about here, writing here, talking about something in an authentic and real way, finding plants for our food forest project, and so on. It can be anything.
There is an essence to whatever sparks something in me. One way to find it is to take any surface wants or needs and trace them back to their essence. What do I hope to get out of it? What do I hope to get out of that? And keep asking that question and notice what comes up, until I find a simple essence, usually something universal and very innocent. (This is from Adyashanti.) How can I bring this essence more into my life? Can I give it to myself here and now?
I identify and examine stressful thoughts I have about meaning and purpose and find what’s more true for me. I find The Work of Byron Katie very helpful here. For instance, years ago, I spent a good amount of time investigating stressful thoughts related to being off track and having abandoned myself.
I explore how all of this shows up in my sense fields. How does my mind associate sensations, mental images and words with each other to create an experience of meaning, purpose, being off track, and so on? Here, the Kiloby Inquiries are very helpful, or a simplified and more natural version of it.
FINDING FREEDOM FROM IT
The two inquires above – The Work of Byron Katie and the Kiloby Inquiries – are ways to find freedom from meaning and purpose, or rather from our ideas about meaning and purpose.
A related way is to notice my nature. The most effective ways to explore this that I have found, so far, are the Big Mind process and the Headless experiments.
At one level, I am this human self in the world. Everything about that comes and goes, so can it be what I more fundamentally am? When I look, I find I more fundamentally am what it all comes and goes within, what forms itself into the experience of all of it.
More fundamentally, I am what a thought may call consciousness, and this consciousness that I am forms itself into the experience of this human self, the wider world, and any ideas and sense of being an I or me, and of anything related to a sense of meaning or purpose.
Here, there is freedom from meaning and purpose.
FINDING FREEDOM TO FOLLOW IT
There is another freedom I should mention, which is to find the freedom to FOLLOW my spark, what fascinates me, what gives a sense of meaning and purpose at a human level.
Here, it’s more about finding healing. To identify and examine stressful thoughts saying I can’t or shouldn’t do it, or that say it needs to look a certain way. To meet and find love for the wounds in me holding me back from following my spark. To find a safe way to begin exploring and living it, and then allow it to blossom.
EXPLORING BEING OFF AND ON TRACK
A big theme in my adult life has been to be on or off track. I felt profoundly ON track in my late teens and especially early and mid-twenties – with art, university studies, meditation, prayer, body-centered practices, living at the Zen center, and so on. I then felt profoundly OFF track after I abandoned a clear inner guidance, moved to another location, and left much of what was most important to me.
What I am exploring has a couple of different aspects…
It’s not possible to be off track in any real and fundamental sense. The idea of being off and on track, and how it looks and feels, is created by my own mind. It’s a human idea and not inherent in reality.
In a human and everyday sense, it is possible to be off or on track. When I follow my inner guidance and what’s juicy for me, I felt and feel very much on track. When I abandon myself – my inner guidance and what’s juicy and important to me – I feel off track, and sometimes profoundly off track.
These two are both valid and important.
CURRENTLY
How is all of this for me now?
I still follow the juiceness and spark to explore what I rapport from in these articles.
I have found an outlet for my passion for sustainability and life in the regeneration, reforestation, and food forest project in the Andes.
The passion I have for art is still somewhat unexpressed in me, although I wish to bring it out more. There is still a deep pain there from abandoning it earlier in life.
In general, I am recovering from going off track – from leaving my guidance – in my twenties. It’s a long process. I am asking life – the divine, my psyche – to guide me to feel more deeply on track again, to live a life that feels deeply right and on track.
I feel halfway on track now, and I am very aware that I don’t know how it would look and even feel to be more deeply and profoundly on track again. It’s a mystery, which I love.
It’s part of the adventure.
NON-DUAL FOLKS AND MEANING & PURPOSE
I have heard some non-dual folks talk about meaning and purpose with disdain. (At the same time, it does seem that living a meaningful life seems important to them.)
I understand where they are coming from: Meaning and purpose are mind-created ideas, not inherent in reality.
At the same time, it seems quite one-sided to take the position they are taking. It’s a position. It’s not fluid.
It does not really reflect life and the fullness and richness of who and what we are.
The drawing is one I made when I was sixteen, in the middle of the initial oneness shift and when I found a deep passion for art. I would draw for hours a day and often long into the night, and did so for years.
What are some of the connections between out-of-body experiences – and similar experiences – and noticing our nature?
MY OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE
When I was just a few months old, I had an out-of-body experience.
I remember floating maybe 15 meters up in the air, seeing my parents and older brother in nice clothes walking on the road to our house, with a stroller. It seemed to be a beautiful slightly cool early spring day. They walked along the gravel road to the house, and there was something white, big, and rectangular in front of it. As they walked into the house, I floated around in the different rooms. I remember old yellowish floral wallpaper in the big bedroom that someone had started to remove from the walls. I also remember the living room. (Where I am writing this.)
This was a vivid memory for me growing up. When I was in my late teens or early twenties, I decided to mention it to my parents. It turns out that this is exactly how it happened when we moved into this house. I was four or five months old. It was a nice cool spring day. They had walked from our old house (on the other side of the small town) to the new. The big rectangular white thing was the moving van. The wallpaper in the bedroom was there and was removed and replaced shortly after.
There are some things here I am curious about.
A FEW THINGS I AM CURIOUS ABOUT
How can we sense? How can we sense without the senses of the body? In my case, I only remember visual memories, but I know others describe hearing too. The sight in my experience was from several meters up in the air, and from floating around quite high up in the rooms.
Why did I remember it? This is by far my earliest memory, so I wonder if out-of-body memories can be more easily remembered. Maybe because it’s unusual, and there are also other possibilities. If we can sense without bodily senses, maybe we can remember without the physical brain? Maybe memories, or some memories, are (also) stored somewhere else? Maybe that’s why I remembered it through my childhood and even now. (Although now, it seems more like a memory of a memory, if that makes sense.)
Similar to NDEs. An out-of-body experience viscerally shows us that we are not, most fundamentally, this human body. That’s similar to a near-death experience (NDE), and it can profoundly transform our views and life. It may also be one reason I was so fascinated by ghosts, mysteries, ESP, and the unexplained growing up.
Still a center. In an out-of-body experience, there is still a sense of center. We are consciousness, and yet there is also a center that we look out from. What is that center, if there is no physical body? Could it be what some describe as a subtle body, a kind of body made up of more subtle energies?
Not the same as awakening. Maybe for that reason, it’s not the same as awakening. It’s possible to have an out-of-body experience, realize we are not most fundamentally this physical body, and for that to not stick after. That may be because there is still a sense of center there.
Memory from between lives. This out-of-body experience is similar to my memory from before this incarnation. I was consciousness and everything was consciousness, and there was still a kind of center here. There was also a sense of time being very distant.
OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCES AND NOTICING OUR NATURE
These kinds of experiences are not the same as noticing our nature, but they can fuel curiosity and motivation to explore our nature, and they shows us what we are if we only notice.
To ourselves, we are consciousness and the world to us happens within and as the consciousness we are. This does come into the foreground now and then – in out-of-body experiences, near death experiences, in flow states, and so on.
Often, we notice we enjoy it and we notice some things about it while we miss the essence which is that this is our more fundamental notice, and we also don’t keep noticing the essence when these states are no longer here.
In my case, it had to come into the foreground strongly for it to be recognized. I had to go through a year of an apparently observer-observed split where the world – including anything that has to do with this human self – seemed very far away. Then, there was a oneness shift where the oneness and consciousness nature of all was very strongly in the foreground and unmissable.
That lasted for several years, and a part of me associated the essence of it – my nature – with some of the side-effects (bliss, absorption, flow, other states). I knew it wasn’t about those things, and yet apart of me didn’t viscerally know it.
It took some more years – and a lot of changes in states and content of experience including a dark night – to more viscerally get it, and there is still further to go.
HOW TO NOTICE OUR NATURE
None of this – out-of-body experiences, between-lives experiences, near death experiences – are needed for us to notice our nature. It’s far more accessible than that. It’s what’s here and all we have ever known.
What I have found most helpful are…
The Big Mind process, under guidance of an experienced facilitator. Most people seem to notice and get to consciously know their nature within minutes, and it can be explored in a great deal of detail. The Big Mind process is based on Voice Dialog and was developed by Genpo Roshi (my old Zen teacher).
The Headless experiments, which also can help us notice and consciously get familiar with our nature. These are very simple experiments developed by Douglas Harding.
Basic meditation, which can take more time and, for that reason, is often even more viscerally transformative. Notice what’s here in experience. Allow it as it is. Notice it’s already allowed and noticed.
At some level in us, there is also some curiosity and other noticing going on…
All content of experience comes and goes, including any sense of being something within the content of experience – this human self, a me, and I, an observer, a doer, and so on. If it all comes and goes, can it be what I more fundamentally am? If I am not fundamentally anything within content of experience, what am I?
Something is already noticing and allowing what’s here. What is that? Can it be what I more fundamentally am?
I have also found other forms of inquiry very helpful, including sense field explorations (Kiloby Inquiries) and The Work of Byron Katie.
All of this helps me notice, clarify, keep noticing through changing states and experiences, and so on.
INVITING MORE OF MY PSYCHE TO JOIN
A big part of this is also inviting the different parts of my psyche onboard with it.
Many of these still operate from separation consciousness.
How do I relate to them when they come up?
When do I join in with the bubbles of separation consciousness?
How is it to notice them as bubbles of separation consciousness, and notice that their nature is the same as mine and everything else in this field of experience?
The image is created by me and Midjourney and really all of life and existence as everything is.
Note: It’s August 2026 and I read through some notes about her life my mother wrote for me some years ago. She writes that we moved into the house April 11 which fits my memory. I remember it was a cool and sunny day in early spring. I was 2 1/2 months old.
