I find it very helpful to explore my needs.

First, what are my surface needs?

Can I find what is behind these, my more basic and essential needs? As I explore this, I find that my most basic needs are very simple, innocent and universal. I also find that my surface “needs” often are strategies to meet my more essential needs. (I may feel I need a particular connection with a particular person, but that is really a strategy to meet a more essential needs for connection.)

How can I go about meeting my most essential needs in my daily life? And can I find where they are already met?

Then, what appears as my most real and unquesitonable needs? Food? Water? Shelter? Health? Connection with myself and others? Life?

Are these really needs?

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Sequrity and freedom

In any relationship – with friends, family, co-workers, lovers – there is a desire for security and freedom.

And both comes from clear and honest communication, balancing passion for self with compassion for others*.

There is security because I trust myself and the other to speak freely. I trust each of us to bring up anything related to our relationship, for both of us to be clear about our needs and desires, and for our capacity to negotiate ways for each of us to fulfill our needs and desires. Giving ourself and the other the freedom to speak freely, there is trust.

And there is freedom because of that trust. When there is trust, I allow myself and the other freedom to be who we are, and to communicate honestly, to express our desires, and find ways to pursue those desires in ways that support both of us.

Freedom feeds trust, and trust feeds freedom. If there is a commitment to truth and love – which are really two names for the same – there is over time a deepening of trust and freedom.

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Taking care of own desires, and happy for the happiness of others

When I take care of my own needs, it is easy to find happiness for the happiness of others.

I take care of my own needs, and this brings a sense of satisfaction, alignment and of coming home. Whatever resentment and poverty mentality may be here from previously not taking care of my own needs, is released. And instead, there is a natural and spontaneous sense of gratitude and generosity. One of the ways this gratitude and generosity finds expression is as an satisfaction in and desire for the happiness and good fortune of others.

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Focus on the most basic desire

Here is a pointer from nonviolent communication (NVC) I find very helpful.

When I notice a wish, want, impulse or desire, I can ask myself what is the most simple and basic need behind it?

I prefer another variation of the question: What is my most basic desire behind it? It feels more true since there are no absolute needs*, and it feels more honest, alive, and juicy to call it a desire**.

In some situations, I find that the most basic desire is for connection with myself and others, and also life, reality, and God.

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