Here is an odd dream from last night. I went to sleep with the intention of seeing more clearly what prevents me from having the passion I used to have – up until the “dark night” some years ago. And during the early hours of the morning, I dreamed that what prevents this passion went from shapeless flowing strands into clearly formed plastic capsules, light blue and floating inertly around. They went from active and distributed to harmless and contained.

When I woke up, I experienced the lightness which was so characteristic of my mornings during the initial awakening phase (ten years). A lightness, enthusiasm and passion for being alive and for the day to come.

Very odd, especially since the “resolution” here did not involve any transformation, integration or insight. It was more of an emergency, band-aid containment. But I’ll take what I get.

Big Dreams

Reading Joel’s story, where dreams figure prominently, reminds me of a couple of Big Dreams early on in my own process.


I am with my tai chi teacher and a female friend I have a strong soul connection with. There is a wreath hung on a pole at some distance from us. My tai chi teacher lifts a bow and shoots an arrow through the wreath. She hands me the bow, smiles, and says it is my turn. I initially doubt I can do it, but then know I will shoot the arrow through as she had. My friend says I am blessed by Apollo, and I know she is blessed by Aphrodite.

This dream occurred when I was 19 or 20 years old, a couple of years into the F7-F9 awakening (in Ken Wilber’s framework). My only teacher at the time was my tai chi teacher, a woman I admired tremendously – especially for her dedication to the path and her living insights and realizations. My friend was a woman 7 years older than me who I met in the tai chi class. She turned out to be a tremendously important mentor for me, and we had a very strong and deep soul connection. Apollo is the Greek god of the sun. Looking back, I can see all the uncertainty I experienced at the time, moving in uncharted waters and with almost my only guidance from the process itself – which was strong enough to lead the way.

I didn’t shoot the arrow through in the dream, but knew I would. I am not sure if it is shot through yet, probably not quite. Maybe it is in mid-air. Maybe it won’t land until I die.

The Gold Fish

I am in a courtyard in a very old European brick building. It is in an ancient city, and the courtyard is one of a few inside of a city block. The lower part of the courtyard is filled with water, and a large golden fish is swimming in the murky water. There are some others around the edges, but I am the only one going into the water. I know I have to touch the fish. I swim out to it.

This dream occurred a few months after the previous one. The gold fish may represent individuation (centaur level) and also further awakenings. The image of the golden fish in the murky water enclosed by old brick buildings is similar to the lotus blossom emerging from the mud. I lived in an old brick building just like this one when I had the dream, in a spacious loft six levels up.

Dream :: Show me where your mind ends

I played music on the stereo, and my brother came – quite annoyed – and asked me to turn it off. He was just learning to meditate and experienced the music as very distracting.

I said “show me where your mind ends and the music begins, and I will turn it off”.

The distraction is all in the mind, created from a belief in the thought “I” – which sets up a very convincing experience of I and other, and the possibility of being distracted. The music in itself is not an “other”, no more than his human self and/or formless awareness is an “I”.

When there is the dynamic of I and other, there is a clash of two or more objects. When there is not, there is just what is, as it is – and there is clarity and freedom from struggle.

This is what he did not see, and what the music gave him the opportunity to see.

So the question is of course, what is the disturbance in my life? What do I see as “other” right now?

And the answer is quite clear: thoughts of lost opportunities, of not being where I should/could have been in life, of where to go from here, and so on. All these stories which confuse more than clarify. These are the distracting music in my own life.

I also woke up seeing clearly how Joan Tollifson, in her book Bare Bones Mediation, creates a whole fog of stories which is on top of the simplicity of immediate experience. And of course, that is what the whole book is about – waking up from the stories of my life. (I tremendously enjoy reading it.)

Phases & Master

My dream this morning helped me see something else about the five phases outlined by Tozan & Underhill. During phase three, we are not only identified as the absolute – Big Mind, beyond and including all polarities – but also typically with the Master, in the Big Mind process terminology. We are the Master of our life, in every respect.

During phase four – the fall from grace – we loose connection not only with the absolute, but also with the Master. We are completely at the mercy of the circumstances of our life. Completely not in charge, not even in a conventional sense of the word.

At phase five, we again have access to the Master, although now more fluidly – responsive to the situation.

Dream: The Master

I am a young British upper class (aristocratic?) man, and there is a party. My fiance and her family is coming to dine with my family. I cannot remember anything. Something has happened and I cannot seem to remember anything from my former life. I am lost, helpless, inept. My fiance does not recognize me at first, due to the change, and I only half way recognize her. Her family is now disapproving of me, as I am dressing and acting below my stand. Apparently, I used to be confident, clear and acting my stand, but that is only a very vague memory now. Everything seems to be falling apart and lost for me.

Day residue

I watched Master & Commander the night before, and in the dream I was a character who seemed a mix of the young boy, the doctor and the captain of that movie. Although something had happened, and I had become more similar to the bewildered and inept officer who jumped overboard.

Active imagination

I have amnesia, everything from earlier days is forgotten. I see that if I don’t do something drastic, I can remain helpless and bedraggled for the rest of my days. But I decide to relearn every skill I used to engage in, and I go about it methodologically and with determination.

There are especially three areas: music (string instruments), naturalist science and social interactions (as appropriate for my stand).

I notice how it all comes back, but now in a very different way. My music has a new depth, flow, freedom, range and intimacy – and above all, it is more deeply human. My naturalist studies now is for the benefit of all, independent of stand. I am at service to the world. And in my social interactions, I don’t make a difference between people of high and low stand. I am equally at home with all segments of society, and I find a new skill in listening, being genuinely interested in each person, and allowing them to feel important and good about themselves.

I see how there used to be so much bravado and emphasis on skill in all I did. In my music, there was an emphasis on a virtuoso technique and on impressing the listeners, now it is to convey the deeply and fluidly human in the music. My naturalist studies were a diversion, and now to benefit all. My social interactions to impress, now to help others explore and feel good about themselves. All my skills are still there, but now in a more deeply human context.

Throughout this process, I see that it is all about becoming the master in/of my life again, and I find great support socializing with others who express this with skill and humanity.

I find that I am now respected by all, and my relationship with my fiancee and her family is restored.

My day life

It is pretty clear how this relates to my life, and also the five phases described by Tozan and Underhill. The previous phase was number three, the brilliant sun. The dream depicts number four, the fall from grace. And the active imagination is about phase five, the new integration.


I worked at the Integral Institute, and one of the requirements was that everybody had a broad integral practice, especially in the areas where they were weak. I was told to work on strenght and bringing in more masculine qualities in everyday life. We also had periods with music, drawing, etc. where I did well.

Well, yes – those are two areas I know needs strenghtening, especially right now. The dream may be telling me that this is more important than I consciously perceive.


I was part of a widely varied group in terms of age, gender, ethnic background, social background, and so on. We worked on creating a play which in itself was widely varied in terms of characters, storylines and use of media (actors, multimedia, hand dolls, etc.). The colors of the dream was astonishingly vivid and bright, as was the involvement and engagement of everyone including myself. There was a great sense of richness, engagement, vividness, brightness and aligned passion.

I wonder if this has to do with finding myself gradually more heart centered? This definetely seems to be related to a sense of vividness and brightness of sensory impressions, of fullness and richness, and engagement and passion in my daily life.


I walked with a woman who I knew represented the deep wisdom in me, and I sincerely asked her to come up stronger and more intimately in my daily life, and guide me. She replied that it is a dynamic process of offering a gift and then me noticing, appreciating and allowing the gift to come into fruition in my life.

She brought me over to an apple tree and an apple fell to the ground. I picked it up and bit into its juicy flesh, and she said that this is how it works. The apple matures and falls to the ground (the gift of inner wisdom) and I notice, appreciate, pick it up and bite into it. Each is an intimate part of the process.

Dream: Bhagavan

A dream from Saturday morning (at B & R’s house in Portland):

Bhagavan comes up to me, takes some sheets of paper I hold in my hands (Breema sequence notes), and cuts into the edges of one of the long sides to make tabs. The final cut is about half down the page and much deeper than the others. He tells me to have one tab removed for each deeksha I receive, and I will know beyond any doubt that I am “finished” by the time I reach the final tab.

I notice that I have concerns about influencing the process through my focus on for instance progress and finality,  and realize that he is doing this to show me that (a) the process is very precise, there is nothing accidental about it, and (b) that I cannot change or hinder anything, not even through my own expectations.

Before this episode in the dream, Bhagavan says that for me, the process will be slowed down so I can experience it more in detail, which will help me in my role later on.

It is interesting that I keep having dreams about Bhagavan and Amma, as I rarely think about them during daily life, and don’t have a devotional practice relating to them.


I saw how this small self is a thin and brittle shell that can shatter at any moment. And what would be left is just Existence.

When the last illusion of separation and fixed existence of the self is shattered, all that is left is Big Mind – functioning through this small self as a temproary pattern of energy and matter in the world of phenomena.

Dream :: New Pope & Lesbian Priest

I was in the town in Norway where I grew up, for the installation of the new pope. The ceremony was performed in a small room in one of my old schools, although the building had been extensively remodeled since I saw it last. A Swedish lesbian priest led a simple and beautiful ceremony. There were only a few guests there, and I sat next to the new pope on the first row.

Before the ceremony, I sensed that if the new pope asked me for help during the ceremony, we would have a strong connection in the future. And later on, he did ask me for help with finding the right page number in the poems and songs book used during the ceremony (his was a slightly different version than for the rest of us.)

At the end of the ceremony, the new pope gave a beautiful and brief talk. The topic was the Seven Gates – on how the seven main ways the mind functions changes when we move from delusion to clarity.


Waking up, I noticed several aspects of the dream.

The ceremony was very simple, earthy and ordinary, and in a small room with only a few guests. The priest was a woman, and lesbian, which in the dream was completely ordinary and to be expected – an inclusivity fits with the relaxed and simple atmosphere. The new pope was not unlike the previous one in appearance – an older man, quite unassuming and ordinary in looks and behavior. He was a little cold and distanced in his behavior towards me, as he did not know me very well. And his talk was extremely beautiful in its simplicity and wisdom. The Seven Gates are similar to the five Buddha families, outlining how characteristics of the mind are transformed when we awaken to Buddha Mind. The sense of a continuing connection with this particular new pope is still with me, even a while after the dream – and there is a sense that the connection will be there for a long time (whatever that means).

My main association with the pope is that he is the connection with God. He is the interface between ordinary people and God. The interface between the personal level and the transpersonal. This somehow seems to fit the dream as well, although there was not really anything numinous there (except for his talk). It was very ordinary, simple, earthy and grounded. Which seems to exactly be the direction of my current spiritual deepening.


I was in Oslo, Norway, on a visit and had a strong intuition on going through a certain area of town I had not visited before. It was more upscale, and located in Majorstua. When I came to a certain section of this area, I recognized a restaurant from a dream I had earlier. I recognized every little detail (it had two sections, and beautiful wrought iron ornamentations). And when I walked just a little further, it turned out that I recognized everything – down to the details – from different strong dreams in my past. I was exited and exhilarated. I finally came to a building which seemed to be both public and private. They served food, had live music, and probably hosted workshops and similar events as well. At the same time, it had a very intimate and personal feel to it. A couple in their fourties were there, and they recognized me and I recognized them instantly. It was as if we had known each other for a very long time, but at the same time did not have specific memories of each other. We immediately connected on a very deep and comfortable level. They had academic degrees, were musicians, ran the restaurant, organized the workshops etc. It was a beautiful and deeply comfortable blend of intellectual, artistic and spiritual pursuits. I felt deeply at home, as if I had lived there for many years.

This was a very strong and vivid dream. The familiarity and atmosphere of deep and comfortable intellectual, artistic and spiritual interests is one I recognize from when I lived in Oslo, and from Vækstsenteret in Denmark as well, and imagine is alive in certain co-housing communities. These are all areas which were very strong in my life up until I left Utah, and I have felt somewhat without “ground” in it since – without anyone around me with which I can deepen these interests in the way I knew from living in Oslo, and in the atmosphere this dream also reflected. The longing for this atmosphere has been coming up again strongly the last few days before this dream.


I went backwards and forwards in time, in my own life and that of my parents, and a wide range of human situations and experiences. I followed my father back in time, to when he and my mother lived in Oslo and they have had their first child, my older brother. I followed him further back, to his long trips in the mountains in Norway, not far from where he grew up. I went back in my own life, to experiences with friends and school/university. I went into the future in my own life, to many of the universal experiences people have throughout and towards the end of their life.

Throughout it all, there was a sense of seeing, of softness and deep compassion, of taking a journey throughout the wide range of human experineces – of seeing and participating in the deeply and universally human.


I was in Norway, and visited the philosophical practice office of a man in his 50s. I was impressed by how he went direcly to the essence of the issues, and was deeply engaged, honest, receptive and grounded. He knew clearly that anything else was a extra.


I lived in a beautiful house (white old wood construction) in a beautiful rural area (decidious trees, orchards, hedgerows, flowers), most likely in Norway. It was spring. There were a group of us living in the house, and our relationships were flowing and beautiful.

One day, some thugs living nearby came near the house, and verbally abused one of my housemates. I told them sternly, and with a good deal of self-righteousness, to apologize. Their response was to physically abuse the person. Even more righteous, I said I would go to the police. And their response was to threaten even worse abuse – of others and the house.

For everything I said or did, their response was something even worse than what they had done previoulsy. At the end of the dream, I and one of my housemates closed all the windows and doors in the house (there were many of them, and they were all open as it was spring).

There was a sense of relief in the dream. My self-righteous and arrogant approach had run into a dead end. Whenever I acted from this attutude, something came back to me that was even worse than before. And it was systematic and with no way out. There was a tremendous sense of relife – finally I had run into a situation where I had no choice but to drop it.

Of course, connected to this is the polarity of the pure and beautiful, and the dirty and ugly. I am identified with the former – here expressed as a beautiful house in beautiful surroundgs in which people with beautiful relationships lives. And obviously not with the latter – the dirty and violent thugs – who show me exactly who I am as well as the delusion I am operating from.

I need to see these thugs in myself in my everyday life, and also the attitudes that give them good reason to resent me and bring attention to themselves through their behavior.


I was in a large old growth forest in the Pacific Northwest, and I could jump from one location to another.

When in the air, I saw the whole region and the curvature of the Earth. There was overview, spaciousness and perspective. I could see various human activities on the edges of the forest and beyond.

When I was on the ground, it was sensual, rich and earthy. A rich texture of smells, sights, touch – of soil, pine needles on the ground, trees, bark, branches, the sky above, wind.

It was a slow bounce. There was time to fully experience both the spaciousness of the overview, and the rich texture in the midst of the forest. And I could choose where to land.

The dream reflects a dance within polarities: Awareness and phenomena. Heaven and Earth. Incarnation and disincarnation. Mind and body. Spirit and Matter.

It reminds me of a regression therapy session I did a while back in Salt Lake City. I experienced the incarnation and disincarnation cycle as a pulse, as the breath of Existence. A dance between luminous awareness observing the Earth and the Universe, and of awareness being centered on an individual organism and personality.

The night before, we had the first meeting of our Integral Support Group at our house. The morning after the dream, I met with Gary R. to talk about becoming a formal Process Work student. And in the afternoon, I talked with Casey at a holistic health clinic about Breema – and gave her a session (where we both went unusually deep). Today, I am going to SLC.


I lived in an intentional community with very conscious and interesting people.

In one of the larger rooms at one of the higher levels, they had a space for clothing exchange. I wanted to experience how it is to be a woman, in addition to being a man, so I took pants that had belonged to one of the women in the community, went into a large bathroom, and somehow knew how to put on the lower half of a woman’s body onto my own. My upper body was the same, but merged into a woman’s body at the midsection. I experienced how it is to be woman and man at the same time, integrated, whole, all levels.

At the same time, I did not want others to see it, because I would not know what to say when they asked how I did it. I knew how to do it, but could not explain it very well.


The community was similar to Walnut Street Co-op, although there were more and more diverse people. The people were very consious and integrated, and the community had an European feel. I felt very much at home and supported there.

The house was large, with several levels, and tall and spacious rooms. It was very charming and atmospheric.

There was a strong wish to experience a more whole and integrated way of being, including being both woman and man at the same time. Integrated and whole.

And the wish for others to not see it, and not ask me how I did it, is similar to how I experience it with healing. I know how to do it, but I cannot explain it. And I would rather do it without people knowing about it – so they don’t attribute it to this personality, don’t see this personality as anything special, and don’t ask me how I am doing it. This in itself is of course one of the hangups of this personality…!

I would feel very comfortable, both with having a woman’s lower body and do healing, if it was ordinary in the community. If people didn’t see it as anything special. This is another reason why I have such a strong need to live in a spiritual community, such as Kanzeon, Zen River in Holland, and Vekstsenteret in Denmark.

This experience related to healing probably came up as I talked with someone who’s cat I had done healing for last week, and she was greatly improved/healed.


I received Breema from Jon Schreiber, and experienced myself in a new way. It was profoundly natural, simple, fluid, no seperation. All crystallizations of the personality melted away into fluid and responsive manifestations. There was no seperation between the absolute and the relative – awareness and inner/outer phenomena. All of Existence was a fluid and seamless whole.


I saw myself in the future – as I can be. A deep and detailed integration, with a full transdual awareness (through the whole universe) deeply integrated into the physical body. It was a whole new way of being, another stage.

The integration had a fractal and textured/granualted quality: it occured on innumerable levels from large scale to infinite details. It was simple, grounded, integrated and ordinary.

Dream: new embodiment

I see myself in the future: a deep and detailed integration into the physical body of a full transdual awareness. It is a whole new way of being, another stage.

The integration has a fractal and textured/granualted quality, occurring on innumerable levels from large scale to infinite details. At the same time, it is simple, grounded, integrated and ordinary.

Dream :: Intention + Body/Mind Together = Change

A council generated proposals that would either pass or not pass. When they were named 22, 24 and 25, they did not pass (blocked). When they wanted a proposal to pass, they renamed it number 23, and it passed easily and quickly.


There are several associations to this that all seem to point in the same direction

  • From my time reading I Ching and daoist literature, I remember…
    2 = body
    3 = mind
    2+3 = body and mind together (living from the larger whole)
    When body and mind are brought together, everything flows.

  • 23 is a prime number. One that is complete in itself, and prime – primary. When I am clear about my priorities, and place emphasis on what is of primary importance, I can more easily make a decision.
  • And 23 was a year where I felt everything coming together: relationships, mind/body work (tai chi, chi gong, Tibetan meditation practice), art, studies (psychology at UiO).

Intention + mind/body together = change


I dreamt that I moved into a beautiful house from the 1800s, full of character and soul. It turned out that a woman that lived there during that time had a deep interest in art, music and natural science (she had written a study about white whales). I felt a very strong connection to her.

Dream – Intentional Life

I had a dream yesterday where one of my housemates, who I perceive as living a strongly intentional life, asked me about my intentions about an aspect of my life. I became uncomfortable, realizing that where I previously had strong intentions and awareness – it is now more in the background. The last several weeks weeks in particular has changed my focus from the big picture to the day-to-day, sometimes the hour-to-hour, details of my life. The big picture, and my intentions for my choices in that context, has been placed on the shelf. Now, in my first break in the architecure program I started in June, I have an opportunity to refresh my intentions.


In my dream, a drug addict came into our house on my invitation. I noticed he seemed very weak. It turned out that he took something and later sold it. I was ambivalent as I wanted to help (although was not clear/firm in my resolve) and also did not want to encourage him expressing/meeting his needs in a concealed way. He came into the house a second time, I pinned him down under a boxlike piece of furniture, and called for assistance. After a short time, I saw blood coming out. I assumed he had committed suicide.

Taking the dream literally, it seems to connect with this issue: How do I use my privileged situation? How does it benefit others? I want to ask more consistently: “How am I in a privileged situation right now, in terms of knowledge/information, experience, resources?” “How can I use it in a way that benefits life?” This also has to do with letting go of false pride and humility, seeing our gifts for what they are, and how they can be used to benefit life.

How we relate to the world is reflected in how we relate to the outer world (people, ecosystems) and our inner world (thoughts, emotions, characteristics). How I relate to people in my life, to the Earth community, and to figures in my dreams, reflect how I relate to similar parts of myself. Less literally, the dream may have to do with how I relate to the weaker parts of myself. I exerience sympathy towards them but do not clearly choose to (a) accept them fully as they are, or (b) assist them in becoming healthier and stronger.

Maybe most of all, the dream reminds me about choices. I always make choices, and by bringing my choices more into awareness, I can make choices more aligned with my values, and take more full responsibility for my choices (less complaining).

Here is one way of bringing choices into awareness: (i) Look at what I do and how I talk to myself about it (“I pay taxes because the government says I have to”). (ii) Rephrase it into a choice and real reason (“I choose to pay taxes because I want to support society, and do not want to go to jail.”). (iii) Change action or our attitude towards the action (“I choose to not pay taxes because they are not used in a life serving way, and I take full responsibility for the consequences”, or “I am OK with paying taxes because they serve society and I do not put myself in risk at going to jail.”)


While in Madison last week, I had a dream where I died. Life and sensory experiences faded out, and there was nothing there. It was quite comforting, in an odd way. Of course, what will actually happen belongs to the (my) future.

Update, April 13. Dream: A Chinese astrologer said I would die in the next few days. I am processing my own death these days (with Bruce, Iraq and more). And I may also be in for a change.