Tag: own healing

My own experience with supporting my kidneys through climate, diet, and healing

moe Leave a comment

My kidneys have been a focus for my healing over the last few years, and I thought I would share a few things I have noticed.

EPSTEIN-BARR AND CHRONIC FATIGUE

First, something I have been told. I got the Epstein-Barr virus (EBV) when I was fourteen, in the form of mono/mononucleosis. That led to full-blown Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) a few months later when I was fifteen. Apparently, this virus stayed in my body since then, especially in my kidneys which weakened dramatically over time.

Long before anyone told me this, I had noticed that my kidneys seemed especially weak. Even without specifically scanning my body, I sensed that my kidneys were cold, weak, dry, and fatigued and that this impacted my system as a whole.

WHAT IMPACTS MY KIDNEYS

Here are some things I have noticed about my kidneys:

My diet impacts my kidneys, and especially sugar and white sugar. If I eat sugar, I notice my kidneys get colder and more (energetically) brittle and fatigued. This is most noticeable for one or two days, but can impact my kidneys over time if I don’t help them with diet (bone broth, etc.) and energizing.

Cold weather does the same, especially if my waist area is exposed to the cold over time, and if I breathe in cold air over time. If I am in a cold climate, this can weaken my kidneys dramatically over weeks and months, and the summer may not be enough for them to recover since my system in general is fatigued.

It seems that fear also impacts my kidneys. For instance, if I work on an issue in the evening that brings up fear, I often notice this fear in my system during the night, and when I wake up in the morning I notice that my kidneys are cold, brittle, and fatigued. This tends to pass during the morning, especially if I help energize them.

HOW DO I SUPPORT MY KIDNEYS?

So how do I support my kidneys?

A warm climate helps avoid the stress on my kidneys from cold weather and cold air. If I am in a colder climate, I often use a haramaki – a wrap around my waist to keep that area warm.

My diet strongly impacts my kidneys. It seems to support my kidneys when I reduce sugars and refined foods, eat more whole and unprocessed foods, eat lower on the food chain, drink lots of liquid (often warm), and have a daily dose of good dark bone broth.

Several herbal remedies help nurture my kidneys, especially some adaptogens.

I am working on my emotional issues. Since fear is behind any emotional issue, this helps reduce the generalized fear in my system and the times fear comes up more strongly, and that reduces the kidney drain that comes from fear.

Using a pendulum has been a helpful tool in pinpointing what drains and nurtures my kidneys, especially when it comes to diet.

Vortex Healing (VH) has also been immensely helpful in working on and supporting my kidneys.

With VH, I can more easily sense what’s happening with my kidneys. I can bring up the different energies related to the kidneys, especially prenatal jing, kidney essence, and the constitutional energy of the kidneys. I can optimize the energy pathways related to the kidneys. And I can optimize the function of the kidneys themselves. This has been invaluable and has helped my kidneys greatly.

When I do healing for my kidneys, I find it’s important to invite the divine within the kidneys (making up the kidneys) to reorganize to help energize and heal the kidneys. An inside-out orientation works better than an outside-in orientation (channeling from the outside-in), perhaps because its closer aligned with reality.

A CAVEAT

There is a big caveat here, and that is that I am by no means a medical expert on anything, let alone kidneys. I am not trained in nutrition, Chinese medicine, herbalism, and so on. And there is probably a lot I am missing. Also, this is just my own experience. It may well be different for you, and there are probably many things I have left out that may be as or more important than what I have mentioned here.

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tagged: bone broth, fear, food, kidneys, own healing, own health, vortex healing  

Chronic Fatigue and three forms of rest

moe Leave a comment

Since I am exploring chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) more these days, I thought I would write a few posts on it. This and other topics are mentioned in my article on the CFS retreat.

With CFS, there are three forms of rest: after, before, and extra.

Resting after an activity is the after rest. This usually takes care of itself. I do something. Feel tired or exhausted. And need to rest. Often, I don’t have a choice.

Resting before a planned activity is the before rest. I rest for hours, days, weeks, or months before a planned activity so I’ll be able to do it. I rest a lot anyway so this is on top of the baseline rest.

Resting on top of these two types of rest is the extra rest. This is the rest that allows the body to heal and restore itself. It’s the rest I do when I could do something else but know that this extra rest is vital for restoring my body and allowing it to heal.

As I mentioned, the after rest usually takes care of itself. I don’t have much choice but to rest after activity. The before rest is something I have learned and it feels relatively ingrained now.

It’s the extra or healing rest I want to pay more attention to. This is the one I want to program myself to do more of. I notice I have energy to do something, and I still chose to rest. I chose to not spend the little energy I have right away. I chose to invest it in allowing my body to build up resources to heal.

A while back, my herbalist told me to spend only half of the energy I feel I can spend. That’s very good advice and something I am still learning.

tagged: chronic fatigue, currently, healing process, own healing  

Chronic fatigue retreat in Norway

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After being officially diagnosed with chronic fatigue (CFS) in Norway, I was offered to participate in a four-week course for CFS. I think of it more as a CFS retreat, and I thought I would share a few impressions from it here.

THE SETTING

The retreat is held at a rehabilitation center in southern Norway specializing in, among other things, chronic fatigue. The location is by a lake in a peaceful and beautiful valley. Everything was paid by the government, including transportation to and from the center. (I like that we collectively in Norway contribute to these things and decide it’s important.)

We have our own rooms (spacious, clean, quiet), four healthy and delicious meals a day, and there are several common areas. For those with food intolerances – which is most of us with CFS – they prepare special meals. They also have a quiet room for those who needed peaceful meals.

The CFS staff is professional, personable, kind, and with a very good understanding of CFS and its challenges, and what typically helps people with CFS.

The schedule is gentle. Four meals a day. A class (workshop) three times a week following breakfast. Mindfulness. Mindful movement. Some gentle activities in nature.

We can have the food delivered to our room if we feel it’s too much to do it ourselves. And we can ask to have someone change our sheets and towels.

I had special meals (without wheat or dairy). And I prioritized the classes and sometimes rested instead of participating in the mindfulness.

There will be a follow-up two-week retreat sometime next year.

OVERALL IMPRESSION

When I looked into the different locations for CFS-courses in Norway, this one stood out. Past participants gave it almost exclusively positive reviews. And I have to say I am very impressed by the staff, the place, and what I have gotten out of it. I am very grateful for having been given the opportunity to be here.

AVOIDING WORSENING

I know some people experience a worsening after participating in a CFS course, although I suspect it happens less often here than other places. The staff call potential participants in advance to screen them and make sure (as well as they can) that they have a high enough capacity to participate and get something out of it without worsening. (Or, at least, not more than we can recover from relatively quickly.)

During the course, the staff strongly encourage us to pay attention to early symptoms of doing too much and stay within what we are able to do without risking crashing. We are encouraged to create a schedule for ourselves we are comfortable with. (I am on a reduced schedule.)

And whenever we say no to an event because we need to rest, we receive strong positive reinforcement for doing so. After all, learning just that is one of the reasons we are here. And by resting instead of overdoing it, we set a good example for the other participants.

WHAT I GOT OUT OF IT

For me, what I appreciated the most was to be understood – by the staff and my fellow CFS participants. So I felt normal. I didn’t have to explain. I didn’t have to worry I wouldn’t be understood. I didn’t have to worry about what they would think when I had to choose to rest instead of participating in an event or social activities.

Most of the content was familiar to me, but it was very helpful to go through it, have conversations about it, and have the importance of it reinforced.

In the long term, I hope to learn to stabilize better and avoid frequent crashes, especially since this is essential for giving my body enough rest so it can gradually heal itself.

MAIN EMPHASIS

The main emphasis is to learn and use strategies that improve our quality of life and give our body the best opportunity to gradually heal itself.

Stay within a level of activity so we avoid crashes. (Taking the elevator down to the basement.) Sometimes, we may choose to do a little more, but in general stay within a range that gives stability. This gives the body an opportunity to gradually heal instead of frequently having to use resources to recover from crashes.

Notice the early signs of needing to rest and take these seriously. If we had diabetes, we would take insulin as soon as we needed to. It’s the same for CFS. As soon as we notice we need our medicine, which is rest, then take it. Prioritize it.

Reduce stress, including in the following ways:

(a) We learned to recognize stressful thoughts and what they do to our emotions, symptoms, and behavior. And replace these with more realistic thoughts that are more kind, calms down our system, and lead to behavior that helps us rest and take care of ourselves.

(b) We found and prioritized our personal values (what’s important to us), and learned how following “shoulds” create stress while following our values calms the system.

(c) We learned basic mindfulness and noticing and allowing thoughts, emotions, and sensations, and that we are not any of those. And that fighting discomfort and reality create stress while noticing, allowing, and befriending discomfort and the reality of our situation calms our system.

(d) We explored that we are all 100% valuable independent of what we can or cannot do, and what we think and feel about how valuable we are. We all agree that babies are 100% valuable even if they can’t do much and create work for others, so when do we lose that value? It’s only in our thoughts and feelings we reduce our value, while in reality, we keep our 100% value.

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tagged: autobiography, chronic fatigue, healing process, norway, own healing  

Response to physical crash

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This is a quick note about something I notice with my physical health condition. I’ll mention it here since it points to a more general and universal pattern, and one I assume most of us experience in different areas of life.

Because of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS), I sometimes physical crash. I exert myself and this is followed by a kind of physical collapse. My body shuts down.

When this happens, there is often fear. A primal survival fear is triggered.

When I notice this, I can open to and allow the fear. This allows the fear to be experienced and acknowledged (and even welcomed and thanked). It’s experienced as a part of me and not who or what I am, so I can mentally and emotionally stay neutral or even genuinely appreciative of my life.

And when I don’t notice, or don’t want to notice, there is a reaction to the fear. My mind identifies with the fear and the (sometimes catastrophic) stories related to the fear. I feel the crash it terrible and that it means something terrible about my life and future.

And that sometimes leads to a corresponding emotional crash and shutdown. This can take the form of a mix of irritability, hopelessness, catastrophic thinking, fears, depression, blame, judgment, and general turmoil.

So there is a physical crash, which triggers primal fear, which sometimes triggers a reaction to or identification with the fear, and this can lead to an emotional crash.

It does pass, both the physical and emotional crash. But it is much easier when I notice the primal fear, open to it, find some curiosity about it, and can allow and welcome it.

tagged: inquiry, own healing  

Healing past relationships

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Star Trek Continues episode 4, “The White Iris”

How do we find healing for past relationships? This Star Trek Continues episode shows an approach that can be an important piece of the puzzle, and one I personally have found very helpful.

Captain Kirk is plagued by unresolved past relationships, and he finds resolution through revisiting the places and people (in the holodeck and in his mind) and a sincere and intimate dialog.

We may not have a holodeck to play out past relationships and situations, but we do have our mind and imagination. That’s where the past lives anyway. What I have found most helpful is to imagine and have a dialog with a healthy and awake version of the person. (Otherwise, I may just communicate with conditioning.)

For instance, I did this with some kids from my elementary and middle school. I revisited my uncomfortable experiences from that time. Imagined the most healthy and awake versions of those kids. Shared with them how I felt when they treated me as they sometimes did, how I wish they had treated me, and what I would like from them now. And they responded from a healthy and awake place, sharing their own pain, why they had behaved as they did, and their sincere well-wishing for me. I found it helpful to do this a few times, each time looking at different sides of the situation.

As a side note, I’ll mention that I just discovered Star Trek Continues (a fan-made follow-up to the original series), and find it as good and enjoyable as the original series. (And, of course, equally quirky, camp, and cheesy, and that’s part of the fun.)

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tagged: befriending, dialog, healing, own healing, parts work, projections, subpersonalities  

Acceptance and commitment

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From the Optimum Health Clinic

This video is a reminder of the importance of acceptance and commitment if we want to change. He talks about chronic fatigue (CFS), and it also applies to change in general.

How does acceptance look to me? And specifically in the context of CFS?

I am more honest with myself about my situation. I let it sink in. I live according to my situation. (I make plans, regulate my activity etc. according to the limits and possibilities of living with a serious illness.) I also take care of (care for) the emotions and fears coming up in me when I am more honest with myself about my situation.

And how does commitment look?

I am committed to finding improvement. To explore best practices. Work with someone who has a good track record in helping people with CFS and uses a grounded and integral approach. Implement their recommendations. Stay with it. Make adjustments as I learn more and see what works for me.

I find it interesting to look at the comments to this video. Some comments (almost all as of writing this) seem a bit reactive and express something like “are you telling me I am not committed? I have been fighting this illness for years!”.

We may wish to heal, we may be distressed about it (sad, angry, hopeful, disappointed), we may try a lot in order to heal, but that’s different than acceptance and commitment. For instance, the word “fighting” in itself implies a lack of acceptance and an orientation that can get in the way of a deeper commitment.

To me, acceptance and commitment are quiet, deep, and gives a direction over the long term. And it’s an ongoing process, at least for me.

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tagged: acceptance, chronic fatigue, commitment, own healing  

Dream: Adya speaking gibberish

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I am with Adyashanti and a small group of people. At some point, he sits down and asks me if I have a question. I explain my situation with the long-lasting illness (chronic fatigue) to him, and ask what the divine asks from me. He starts speaking gibberish.

The night before, I prayed for my situation with the chronic fatigue to transform me deeply, and for the divine as me locally support this process. I remember having the question of whether the divine (as the fullness of existence) asks something specific from me or if I (as the local divine) can decide, or if there is a middle ground and dialogue.

In the dream, as Adya starts answering my question, I am aware it’s a dream and that I – my mind – need to put words in his mouth. I am also aware that I don’t know the answer. That is perhaps why he starts sputtering and speaking gibberish as a faltering Westworld robot. If I think the divine has a specific request or plan for me, I don’t know and cannot know what it is. I cannot provide the answer.

The answer is more that it’s a dialogue between the divine as the wholeness of existence and the divine locally as me. We together find the answer. It’s a process. An ongoing discovery happening within the One.

At first, the dream seemed a little disappointing. After all, instead of answering my question, Adya sputtered nonsensical sounds. And now, I see that’s the perfect answer. In my dream, I have to provide his answer, and I cannot. If I think the divine “out there” asks something specific of me, I cannot know for certain what that is. The answer is more that it’s a process, a dialogue between the divine as all there is and the divine locally as me.

This is not new to me. But I see that when I recently prayed for my situation with the fatigue to profoundly transform me, I had in mind that the divine asks it of me and has something specific in mind for me. Almost as if it’s a test, and when I more fully allow the transformation, my health may eventually return. These were not very conscious assumptions, which is perhaps why my mind (the divine locally) produced this dream, allowing me to see more clearly these assumptions and that they are not so helpful.

It’s more helpful to see it as a dialogue and an ongoing process, and as happening within the One.

tagged: adyashanti, heart-centered practice, own dream, own healing, prayer  

Faking that it is a problem

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I have noticed a low-grade fear that others will think I am faking illness (CFS). Since it’s a stressor in my life, I wanted to explore it through inquiry, and in this case The Work. Even before getting into the more structured inquiry, my facilitator suggested a perspective that made something fall into place for me.

I am faking that it’s a problem.

It is true that I am faking it. I am faking that it’s a problem.

It’s a huge relief to admit to the truth. Yes, I am faking it. Not that it’s an illness. (I know it is from the history, symptoms etc.). But that it’s a problem.

How am I faking it’s a problem? As soon as I believe thoughts saying it’s a problem, I am faking it. I pretend to believe stressful thoughts before even investigating them. And when I do investigate them, I – at least so far – find something peaceful that’s as or more true for me than the initial stressful thought.

I also notice an additional benefit. From that more peaceful place, I am more able to take kind actions to help my life and situation.

And how can I use this as a guideline or reminder for my daily life? A living turnaround? Whenever I notice a thought that my health is a problem, I can notice it’s my mind making it into a problem, I can identify the thought, and then explore it through inquiry. That’s the kind and sane approach, and what I want for myself.

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tagged: inquiry, own healing, the work of byron katie  

What I eat

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I thought I would briefly mention the guidelines I use for food.

Eat lower on the food chain. More vegetables, fruits, nuts, and berries. Less fish and meat.

Eat less processed foods. More whole foods. I tend to get the raw ingredients and make my own meals.

Eat local and organic when possible. When I am in California, that’s easy. When I am in Norway, a little more challenging.

Eat closer to how my ancestors ate. My more immediate ancestors lived in Northern Europe and ate grains (oats, barley), vegetables, berries in season, fish, and a little meat. In general, they ate with the seasons, and – obviously – local and organic food, and mostly lower on the food chain.

Follow my body. This is one of my main guidelines. Notice what happens when I eat certain foods, and when I leave certain foods out for a day or a few. Personally, I have discovered I do much better – physically and mentally – with less or no sugar and less or no dairy. I also seem to do much better with less or no yeast products, and less or no wheat and rice. So I mostly leave out all of these and only have a little now and then. I also seem to do much better on cooked food in the winter and fresh and raw food in the summer.

Good for the Earth. I keep this in the back of my mind as well and check my other guidelines against it. I already know that eating lower on the food chain, and local, organic, and with the seasons, is what’s generally best for the Earth and future generations. It’s best for me and my well beings, and generally best for the Earth as well.

Leave fads alone. There are all sorts of fads when it comes to food, both in popular culture and among nutritionists. These come and go. What’s left for me are the guidelines above – eat lower on the food chain, less processed food, and when possible local, organic, and with the seasons, and listen to my body.

Don’t be too strict with any of it. There is no need to take this too seriously or be too strict. I’ll have just about anything now and then, especially if it’s offered to me. The guidelines above are just that, guidelines, and probably influence about 80-90 percent of what I eat. At least when I make my own food.

In general these days, I eat mostly fruits, vegetables, nuts, and berries, with some occasional meat and fish, some occasional grain (the less common ones seem to work best for me), very rarely dairy, and rarely refined sugar. I tend to have a light breakfast (depending on my day), the main meal early afternoon, and I often don’t eat (or only have some fruit) in the evening. Most days, I do a mini-fast through the evening and night and until late morning or early afternoon. It would probably be good for me to do some intermittent fasting as well, for one or two days a week. I drink a lot of herbal and spice teas through the day, so my urine is pale or sometimes even clear. I also find that if I am in the high-healthy range for my BMI, I feel healthier. And I do enjoy food, and especially recipes that are simple, nourishing, and tasty. (One of my favorites is roasting vegetables in the oven, perhaps with a small amount of gourmet sausage – if possible local, organic, and free range.)

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tagged: autobiography, currently, food, health, own healing  

My health: An update (Vortex Healing)

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I thought I would give an health update in the context of Vortex Healing. 

I have had chronic fatigue (CFS) since my teens, with a long period where I functioned much better, and then a return of strong CFS some years ago. And I have also had Lyme for several years (for certain since 2015 but I and others suspect much longer). 

Here is a brief outline of my healing journey since Vortex Healing found me near three years ago. I won’t go into all the details as it would take too much time and probably be tedious to read (and write!). 

I was initially very skeptical to Vortex Healing (VH). Although I know very well that we can channel divine energy and consciousness for healing, VH sounded a little weird and I have had unfortunate experiences with other energy healing modalities. 

The first session – in February of 2016 – was amazing. I felt the energy and consciousness work in me, and a lot of problems with my belly and digestion went away after the first session. When I woke up the morning after, I felt much lighter and had a taste of how I was before the return of the strong CFS. 

For a while, I mainly received sessions – and after my first class gave myself VH – to balance and bring up my energy system. I also worked on emotional issues with good effect. 

Since my first VH class, I have done VH for myself nearly daily with a few periods where I needed a break energetically. I am now at Jewel level. 

When it comes to my fatigue and brain fog symptoms, VH has helped a lot in periods but my system has then reverted back to a (low) default state. I assume this is because the Epstein-Barr virus (CFS) and the Lyme and Lyme co-infections all still were active in my system. 

Over the last year, it seems that a few VH sessions have been able to remove the Epstein-Barr virus behind the CFS and the Lyme and co-infections behind the Lyme disease. These have been sessions with teachers and senior students. I assume these are out of my system since re-checking brings a negative result (which is good!). 

More recently, I have worked on supporting my body detoxing using VH and herbs (dandelion tea and more). The VH sessions from others and myself have mostly focused on the lymph system, liver, and general detoxing. My body’s detoxing has been slow and sluggish and feels better now, although there is further to go. 

I have also worked on emotional issues behind or at the center of the CFS and brain fog. I assume there is an emotional component to the CFS in my case since that’s the case for most or all long-term illnesses. Among these is an impulse to want to hide from life and seeking refuge in illness. 

I am also working on core childhood issues using VH and inquiry. This makes sense no matter what (for general quality of life), and they may play a role in my health in general and with the CFS in particular. Childhood issues often impact our health. 

My general experience now is that my system is in far better shape than it has been. (My system used to feel like a bathtub with the stopper removed so any energy drained out immediately. Now, there is a sense of some reservoir of energy again.) My energy system feels OK and much more balanced.

And yet, my fatigue and brain fog symptoms are still here, and I spend most or almost all of the days still resting. 

When I check in with my system, what seems most off currently is my head. There is an energetic block between my head and the rest of my body. And the energetic bodies seem a little disembodied from my physical head. Energetically, my head area feels fuzzy, unfocused, and disembodied. Over the last couple of days, I have started working with VH on my head/rest-of-body connection and the brain.

A psychic friend of mine says she sees an image of the nerve endings in my brain fried and curled up, and says my brain needs to create new pathways. As she sees it, this is the reason for the continued fatigue and brain fog. According to her, I will return to full health but it will take some time.

If this is the case, it makes sense to me. My system got fried during the initial awakening in my teens, and that was when I initially got CFS. There was another awakening that happened just before the return of the strong CFS, and this may also have fried something in me. (I also received diksha during that time, and I wonder if that did something with my brain.) 

Right now, it does seem that the VH sessions are getting to core issues behind the fatigue and brain fog. It is puzzling to me that I don’t function better in daily life even after the removal of the pathogens and the energizing, clearing, and balancing of my system. But the head issues may be a clue to what’s going on. And I am sure working on any emotional components will give my system a better chance to recover. 

I plan to follow up with updates. 

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tagged: own healing, vortex healing  

Incarnation trauma

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From early childhood, I seem to have had a clear memory of life between lives. An profound sense of all as love and wisdom, an infinite sense of being home. 

And along with that, formless beings and communication without words. The other memory I seem to have is of when I knew I would incarnate again. It was shared with me by a group of a dozen or so beings, I was shown the life in broad strokes, and I was shown I would incarnate along with many others needed in this phase of humanity’s and Earth’s evolution. 

I was also asked if I would. Being a good boy (soul), I said “yes”. And yet, it wasn’t honest. I wanted to because I knew it was the divine movement and there wasn’t really a choice. But the rest of me deeply and profoundly didn’t want to. I had spent a long time in this place that was partly timeless although also touching on time. (My previous incarnation may have been in the second half of the 1800s.) 

Saying yes when so much of me wanted to say no seems to have been traumatic. It created a deep wound in me. It was dishonest. And it was pointless dishonesty since these beings knew everything about me anyway. 

When I replay it being honest, it is beautiful. I acknowledge the “no”. I say it out loud for myself and these beings to hear. (Although not with words.) I grieve. And I arrive more wholeheartedly at a yes that’s aligned with this divine movement. 

Going back in my timeline to find me needing healing at different times, this seems one of the more important ones. 

As usual, I am not taking this literally. (Although I am also open for it being an actual memory.) I take it as any dream or vision or apparent memory that can’t so easily be verified. I take it as giving form to something very real in me. In this case, a “no” to life and a trauma around being incarnate, around being a human being in this world. 

That’s what this points to. That’s what may need to be seen, felt, loved, resolved, and healed. That’s where the invitation is. 

tagged: autobiography, own healing, projections  

The gifts of chronic fatigue

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This is another topic I like to revisit: 

What are the gifts of chronic fatigue (CFS)? What are the genuine gifts in it for me? 

It supports healing, awakening, and humanizing. Just like life in general, when we are receptive to it. 

It invites a deep healing of the bodymind. In my case, it invites me to notice any stressful beliefs and find what’s more true for me (The Work). It invites me to find healing for anything that comes up and is triggered by the illness and life situation. It invites me to find healing for any emotional issues that may weaken my system (they all do) and contribute to the illness. It invites me to strengthen, clear, and balance my body and energy system in a variety of ways – through food, herbal medicine, bodywork, energy work, nature, and more. 

It invites awakening. It invites awakening to (and out of) beliefs and identifications, and especially those triggered by my situation. It invites noticing what’s happening in me – including the emotional pain – as happening within and as what I am. (Not noticing that is extra painful so there is an inherent incentive to notice what it is happening within and as, and find what I am as that.) 

It invites humanizing, becoming more deeply human. Having a serious illness, and having a lot of unprocessed emotional material surfacing, and also making decisions “out of character” because of it, is very humbling. It can be deeply humanizing. This is all universally human. What I experience has been and is experienced by innumerable others. 

In addition…. 

It invites learning about health and healing, and what works for me in my situation. I have learned about CFS and Lyme and Lyme co-infections. I have learned about what foods and herbal medicines work best for me (I had a pretty good sense of that from before). I have learned about a range of modalities for healing the body and mind. 

It invites deep rest. Not only in a conventional sense, but a deeper rest through healing, awakening, and humanizing. (Emotional wounds, taking ourselves to only be separate, and trying to be better than or different from others is inherently stressful. When we heal, awaken, and humanize, we find relief and a deeper rest.) 

It has given me time to rest, notice, and explore, including to explore these topics. 

It has given me experiences, insights, and skills I can share with others and that may be useful for some others. I have been given a lot from others (everything including my life), and passing on just a little bit that’s helpful for others makes me very grateful. 

And last but not least, my situation has motivated me to seek deep healing, awakening, and humanizing. It has given me an extra motivation and perhaps sincerity. It has made me willing to be extra humble (sometimes) in order to find healing, awakening, and humanizing. 

Would I have chosen to not have had these health problems? Yes. Do I see the genuine gifts in them? Yes. Did I ever have a choice? No. This was chosen by life. It’s happening within and as all of existence. It’s the play of life, or the universe, or the divine. 

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tagged: autobiography, cfs, chronic fatigue, gifts, own healing  

Finding healing for myself at different ages

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One of the things I like to do is to invite in healing for myself at different ages. I imagine myself as a specific age (e.g. age 5), feel into and look at whatever may have bothered me at the time (issues, uncertainties etc.), and then invite in healing for me / him as I would for any client. If it’s inquiry, I can do inquiry from that age, as if I am myself at that age. If it’s a heart-centered practice (ho’o, tonglen), I do it as if I would for anyone else by imagining him in front of me. And I find it works well even with Vortex Healing. I imagine him (me at age 5) as I would any client, and take him through a session (with some slight modifications) as I would any client. 

I find it helpful to do this through the timeline. I may scan my own timeline, find an age and period where I wasn’t quite comfortable with myself and the world, and spend time with myself at that age and invite in healing. Through presence. Noticing. Allowing. And sometimes inquiry, heart-centered practices, or divine energy healing (Vortex Healing). 

Why do I do this? I find it helpful to do healing for myself at specific ages. It brings certain issues more alive for me. It’s also easier when I see myself in front of me and approach the healing as I would for any client. I can access the issue internally, and it’s also an object I see in front of me which creates a helpful distance and somehow makes it easier for me to stay with the healing process. 

tagged: healing, own healing  

How do I experience chronic faituge?

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How do I experience chronic fatigue (CFS)? A few friends have asked me lately and I thought I would share my answer here as well. 

The simplest way I have found to explain it is that it’s like having a flu without the fever, runny nose, or sore throat. It makes it hard to do much, exertion deepens the fatigue, and the brain is foggy. Sometimes, it’s like having a severe flu, sometimes it’s a little lighter. But it never goes away. 

I experience the brain fog partly as a “cotton in the head” feeling and partly as a cognitive fatigue. It’s hard to take in complex information, and I get tired quickly when using the brain / mind. 

There are additional symptoms, some of which are a bit weird. For instance, light and sound sensitivity. Temperature dysregulation (too hot or cold, or hot and cold at the same time, or cold sweat). Muscle tension and pain. Sleep problems (not anymore for me). Digestion problems and food sensitivities. Crashes if too much exertion, especially if combined with heat and/or lack of proper food. Feeling better in some climates (for me, warm and dry). 

My best guess is that my CFS was triggered by a combination of a virus infection (Epstein-Barr), exposure to toxic mold, psychological stress, and perhaps more. When I initially got it, it was in my teens following mononucleosis a few months earlier, when I lived in a basement (mold), and had the usual teenage stress and angst.  I got much better after high school when I was able to set my own schedule, make my own food, and engage in activities deeply meaningful to me. And then the CFS came back severely a few months after a pneumonia I never really recovered from, while again living in a moldy environment (Oregon), and stress from my life situation at the time. 

It makes sense to approach it from a multitude of angles and to support and strengthen my system as much as possible. I have found a few things very helpful: Herbal medicine (mostly adaptogens), Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE), Breema bodywork, diet changes (minimize dairy, yeast, wheat, refined sugars, processed foods), mindfulness practices (natural rest, inquiry, heart-centered practices), spending time in nature, resting (do half of what I feel I can do), and energy work (Vortex Healing).

tagged: chronic fatigue, health, own healing  

My approach to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

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How do I approach my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and brain fog?

We are one seamless system, so it makes sense to take a holistic, pragmatic, and ecletic approach. To use whatever works and approach it from many different angles. At least until the causes are more pinpointed and/or we have found simple and effective treatments.

Here are some things that have been helpful for me.

Rest. Avoid excertion.

Nature. Walks.

A diet that works for my body. In my case, eating less processed foods, low on the food chain, and organic and local as possible. Mostly vegetables and some meat and fruit. Mostly avoid wheat, dairy, and sugar. Listen to the body. Follow the body’s guidance.

Herbal medicine. For me, right now, eleuthero, echanacea, kapikachu. Stangeland’s herbal tea.

Resting with/as what is. Allow. Notice. (Shikantaza, “just sitting”.)

Western medicine. Check for deficiencies, organ problems, known illnesses with similar symptoms, toxic mold exposure etc.

Mindful body-centered activities. For me, it’s Breema but it could also be (and has been) Tai Chi, Chigong, and yoga.

Therapeutic trembling to release tension and trauma. Over time, this releases and frees up energy previously bound in tension. For me, through Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE).

Befriend the symptoms and my life. Change and heal my relationship to the symptoms and my body, myself, others, and life. I mostly use ho’oponopono and tonglen, and also inquiry and Vortex Healing.

Use the CFS and my life situation as an opportunity to see what’s left to heal at an identification and emotional level. As above, I am mostly using inquiry, ho’oponopno, and Vortex Healing for this.

Explore and find healing for any emotional issues that may have contributed to the CFS and Brain Fog (created a weakness, suseptibility). E.g. wanting to avoid life, finding refuge in the CFS. Again, inquiry, ho’o, and Vortex Healing.

Seek out and strengthen nourishing relationships. Heal stressful ones (at least from my side). Limit those who drain me.

Organize my life, as much as possible, so it’s simple and nourishing.

Use energy work to strengthen and balance the system, and clear physical and emotional issues contributing to the fatigue and brain fog. In my case, this is Vortex Healing.

Do more of what gives meaning in life. Zest.

And other things as I discover and am drawn to it.

A brief note about Norway: To me, taking a pragmatic holistic approach is natural. And that’s what I have seen among people I know in North America having similar health issues.

But in Norway, I have sometimes noticed a strange polarization between those taking a psychological approach (Lightning Process etc.) and those favoring a physical approach (which partly means waiting for doctors to find a treatment). They seem to overlook that we, as human beings, are one seamless system and that the mind-body distinctions is imagined. By taking imaginary sides in that way, we limit our options. And that doesn’t make sense when it comes to something as important as our health. It makes more sense to take a holistic and pragmatic approach. And, of course, many in Norway and everywhere else do just that.

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tagged: cfs, chronic fatigue, health, own healing  

Brief update

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I just returned from Core Veil in London, a Vortex Healing course with Ric Weinman. I feel it helped clear, stabilize, and perhaps deepen a lot of the haphazard openings and awakenings from my pre-Vortex Healing days. And the course seems to also have strengthened my system considerably.

Over a couple of tea-breaks, Ric took a look at my chronic fatigue (CFS) and brain fog. He said it seems that a CFS (inducing) virus is still hiding out in my system (which would explain a great deal), and did a couple of brief treatments to clear it out. It will take some time for my system to adjust to a potentially virus-free existence. We’ll see how it unfolds.

A few words about viruses and CFS: There are probably many things that fall under the CFS label, including undiagnosed known illnesses and various subgroups of “true” CFS. Sometimes, CFS is called Post Viral Fatigue Syndrome which is fitting since it often comes after a viral infection. (For me, mononucleosis in my teens.) Many of the symptoms associated with CFS fit a viral infection. For me, it feels like having a flu – sometimes strong and sometimes less so – without the fever, runny nose, or cough. The brain fog and wooziness is there. The fatigue and tiredness. Worsening condition after exertion. Brain fog and inability to focus as before. Unusually sensitive to noise and sometimes light. Wanting to lie down and rest. (Or being unable to do anything but lying down.) And a rest that often doesn’t feel restful or nourishing. All of that is similar to having a flu or a similar infection.

If there is/was still a virus in my system, it also explains why the energetic work seems to actually work – in clearing and energizing pathways and chakras and doing many other things – but it doesn’t significantly change my overall health situation. The virus holds it back. So we’ll see what happens if a hidden virus was the key and the virus now really is gone.

tagged: cfs, chronic fatigue, currently, own healing, ric weinman, vortex healing  

How food influences CFS in my experience

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I have had CFS since my teens, and especially strongly in two periods (including right now).

From the beginning, I knew that food played a role in how well I do. The type of food plays a role, as does when I eat, and – as I discovered more recently – having some minimal fat reserves.

Type of food. I tend to do best when I eat mostly vegetables and meat, with smaller amounts of grains and fruit, and minimal to no dairy and sugar. The less processed the better. And I prefer organic and locally produced food. I am from Northern Europe, and I notice I do well on traditional Northern European foods. Perhaps it’s genetics, or just what my body is used to, or the climate, I don’t quite know.

I especially like warm food that’s delicious and easy and quick to prepare. Slow cooked stews with bone broth is a favorite.

When I eat. I tend to eat relatively frequently. My main meal is often breakfast, and it’s often vegetables and meat. Lunch and dinner are typically similar. Although I do mix it up according to what I notice I am drawn to. It’s good to not be too strict. (For instance, I had muesli with kefir a couple of days ago and it felt right and good then. And I do sometimes eat chocolate.)

Fat reserves. I have been slim to skinny my whole life, and unable to put on weight even when I have intentionally tried to. This spring, I did a combination of Vortex Healing and using an app in order to put on more weight, and it worked within a week. (The Vortex Healing was for my digestive system and to support my body in absorbing and making use of nutrients.)

I am now up to 84kg (184cm tall) and have a minimal to moderate layer of fat on my body for the first time. It feels like an important and helpful buffer for me. I used to have energy crashes if a meal was delayed or I missed a meal. Now, that doesn’t seem to happen anymore. Joey Lott and others talk about the importance of eating enough in order to deal with and perhaps recover from CFS, and that fits my experience as well.

Additional notes. As I mentioned above, I am not terribly strict in my diet. Now and then, I do eat some grains, some dairy (cheese, kefir), and some sugar (mostly in the form of chocolate). I also find that butter seems to really help me, so I tend to melt butter on most warm meals. I should also say that I do some strength training and typically walk a good deal, so I try to stay as fit as I can within the limitations of having CFS.

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tagged: bone broth, cfs, food, health, own healing  

Vortex Healing on own irritability

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I just attended a Vortex Healing clinic in Berkeley and it was very powerful. I was also reminded of my sound sensitivity or sound irritability, also called misophonia.

In the car on the way back to San Francisco (I am staying there for a month) I did some Vortex Healing for myself on sound sensitivity and irritability. Memories of recent times I had been angry came up, and it retriggered the anger. I gently set it aside to focus on the irritability, but these memories and emotions kept taking center stage.

After a few minutes, I realized that this anger is at the center of the irritability. Irritability is anger. And anger is fear. I knew that the irritability and misophonia mostly likely has to do with trauma, and I got to see more clearly the connection between (a) sound triggering (b) the trauma and fear, and (c) it taking the form of irritability (anger).

When the sound sensitivity is triggered, my system goes into flight (wanting to get away), fight (irritability, anger), and freeze (numbing out). And all of it comes from trauma. My sense is that just a few sessions with VH will make a big difference. I have already made good headway on this issue using The Work and Living Inquiries.

Brief summary of second session: First, Vortex on irritability, which worked in the mid- and lower spine and belly area. Then, sound sensitivity, which worked in the frontal lobes and a bit on the sides of the forehead and down the neck. Then on the shoulder tension and the material there. Some on ancestral and mostly on karmic material (I have done a session on the shoulders before which may have worked on the ancestral?). Felt like a lot of release. I got the message to sit up more straight several times.

tagged: own healing  

Dampness

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From my late teens, I have known that I have dampness in my system according to Chinese medicine.

I assume it’s connected to some of my health challenges, including the fatigue and brain fog.

Adam S. has given me Vortex Healing sessions to strengthen and optimize my system, and he has started working on the dampness more directly. After that, we’ll work on the emotional issues behind it which he says seems to be a sense of deep aloneness and feeling sorry for myself. (“I am totally alone, nobody is here for me, it’s all just horrible”.)

I see that these are also connected to beliefs and identities about missing out and being unloved.

About the dampness, I have noticed since my teens that dry and warm climates work much better for me than cold and damp, fireplaces are helpful when it’s cold or damp, and it’s also much better for me to avoid foods like dairy, sugar, and bananas.

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tagged: own healing  

My crashes

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After I got CFS some years ago, I have had occasional crashes.

These typically happen through a combination of three factors:

(a) A disappointment about the day. I had looked forward to something, it didn’t happen or didn’t happen the way I thought it would, so I got disappointed. (I had invested certain images and ideas about the day with energy.)

(b) I didn’t have enough food or the right type of food soon enough.

(c) The reason was that I didn’t take care of my own food needs fully due to being with others, and wanting to not bother them too much. (Without knowing it at the time, I want to be liked and not inconvenience others more than avoiding a crash.)

This sounds very specific, but it has happened a few times just like this. The next thing that typically happens is that I feel out of it, I go quiet, and I don’t have much energy. And the one(s) I am with tend to take it personally. They think it’s about them, that I don’t like them, don’t want to be with them etc. even if that’s far from my experience.

There are several lessons for me here:

Bring food, and especially protein rich food, even if I think I’ll have a meal soon. (A meal that is postponed is often a precursor to these crashes.)

Speak up for myself and take care of my own needs, even if I think it’s an inconvenience to the one(s) I am with. It’s more of an inconvenience for them and me if I don’t and then crash.

Work on my tendency to get my hopes up for doing certain things on a special day out and then get disappointed when it doesn’t happen. I often am very aware that my images about the future are just that, and I don’t invest them with that much energy or hope. But sometimes, I do, and that’s when these crashes tend to happen.

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tagged: own healing  

Vortex on kidneys and other of my own issues

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Kidneys. For many years, I have noticed a weak kidney energy. Initially, it seemed like an energetic “hole” in the kidney area/lower back, and then – especially through Breema – it started filling up. Since then, it’s been quite weak although it fluctuates. (It may have to do with fear and/or trauma, and I have also had kidney stones which may be related.)

I have been using Vortex Healing on this weak kidney energy. Right now, I am especially drawn to running Vortex to clear and energize the energy pathways in and related to the kidney area. I notice that the energy seems to be working on blockages. and there is some discomfort coming up. This discomfort is something I have noticed before related to the weak kidney energy, and it seems to have an emotional component. I may ask to be shown what is is about. And I plan to add to this as I discover more or things shift.

Update: After doing this for a morning, there was a shift. The energy in the kidney area/lower back feels softer and more full now. I have been drawn to run Vortex on the tissue in the area since. (I do it off and on as I have time and remember.)

Brain fog. For a day or two, I have used vortex on my brain fog. Initially, the energy worked in the frontal lobe/forehead area. Now, in the evening, it’s working more in the lower brain/brainstem area. I’ll keep running the energy.

tagged: own healing, vortex healing  

Vortex Healing

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I have had three vortex healing sessions since last Thursday. I initially dismissed it because of the new agey name and terminology but decided to try it based on testimonials. After the first session, I changed my view.

Here is a brief report on each session with the most recent on top. I may add more here as I do more sessions.

Basics course April 12-17, 2016

Prior to the workshop: A lot has come up over the last few weeks leading up to the course. I have also felt the VH energy work in different areas of my body at times (or so it seems). Both the VH people I know says that this is not uncommon. It’s the energy preparing me for the course.

What I have noticed the most is mostly two things: (a) Heartbreak, fear in the heart connected to a sense of abandonment that’s wordless and agonizing. And (b) the energy at times working on my frontal lobes. I have noticed that this area has felt “off” energetically since I got the strong CFS/PTSD and has been in need of healing. (The “off” sense and need for healing may be related to the diksha I received just before all this happened.)

Day one. The energy was quite strong through my body and also moving between areas (especially head). I walked a lot today to get fresh air and movement.

Day two. The vortex wheel was operation by the end of the afternoon so I spent a couple of hour in the evening running different types of vortex lights, and running vortex for different issues. The energies were quite strong, in different areas of the body depending on the issue, and the different vortex lights had very different qualities. I slept well and through the night for the first time in weeks, perhaps because I used the dream blue vortex before falling sleep.

Day three. A deepening from the previous day. I went on a long walk in the evening (from Rudramandir in Berkeley to where I am staying in Rockridge) and ran vortex on a self-destructive pattern I have noticed in myself. (This self-destructive pattern came in or was amplified when I went against my guidance on a major life issue. I was very much aware of it and struggled with myself since I wanted to follow what was so clearly right but was unable to do so. I was paralyzed by fear and conditioning and unable to break free from it until I finally was able to.)

Day four. I received a 10 minute session from Gailynn before class on trauma and a hyperactive/hypervigilant nervous system. (This takes a lot of energy and takes the form of sound sensitivity, discomfort when I am in noisy places or places with lot of people.) She said I had the energy of a soldier whose been to war, and that’s my experience as well. It’s possible this is from “being pushed into war” in past lives, as she said, or there may also be things from this life. She also gave me and another student a mini-session on Lyme. And she pointed out that I have a depleted energy system, which I am very aware of (the kidney energy is especially low), and that it will be good for me to use Vortex to energize my system (which I am doing and plan to continue with).

Day five. I am getting a better sense of how to connect with the Vortex wheel etc. (ask for it), the different qualities available, and how to use them. I also started doing VH on myself at different ages, which has been an interesting experience. (I assume it heals any wounds left in me from what happened at different ages from before conception and up.)

#9 April 9

A session in person with NW in Oakland. He worked on subtle energy pathways since that’s one of the things that needs to be done in person. Apparently, there were some blocks in the heart area. He then worked on draining the manifesting energy behind the Epstein-Barr virus. For the rest of the session, he worked on me feeling undeserving of a good life and a self-sabotaging dynamic. (I have a pattern of getting close to what feels deeply right to me, or even having it, and it then falling apart and away within a very short time. This dynamic came gradually more to the foreground after I went against my clear inner guidance on a major life decision some years ago.)

My “homework” is to recognize the undeserving dynamic for what it is: Created by the mind. Inherently without substance. Made up by energies and imaginations.

Mini session April 8

On and off for at least a couple of weeks now, I have had an energy/sensation in my heart area that’s familiar to me. As mentioned below, it feels preverbal (from infancy?) and as a matter of life-and-death. The sensation itself is not so strong, but it’s what my mind does with it – the stories it attaches to it – that makes it seem almost unbearable. I asked my friend KD to do a brief VH session on it, and he agreed. The session lasted about 15 minutes. I noticed that the uncomfortable sensation in the heart area disappeared and/or shifted almost right away. The VH energy then seemed to go down to the solar plexus and finally up to the frontal lobes.

After the session, KD said there was some fear in the heart, he did a few things to transform it, and also some repatterning of the consciousness.

#8 Sunday April 3 

Sixth session with NW. This was focused on a deep abandonment issue that comes up for me now and then. (It seems preverbal and almost as a matter of life-and-death, and it may be from infancy.) He did all the steps of the protocol, and said it was a straightforward session. I noticed a (comfortable) burning energy in my head, moving down to the heart, moving down legs to the feet, and then a warmth at the solar plexus.

NW also explained that in the month leading up to a basics/foundations class (which I am doing in about 10 days) the energy will work on and prepare the participants. That may explain why my sleep has been unusually fragmented for the last few weeks. I had a sense it had to do with the VH energy.

Update the following day: I woke up this morning and my first impression and thought was that something was missing from me. Then I remembered the session the night before.

I also have had a sense of the energy/intelligence working on me before and after sessions, sometimes for days, and that may be true. It does fit what NW said about the energy/intelligence working on participants of the basics course starting a month or so before the course. (I know this sounds woo-woo to many, but it does seem accurate based on my own experience.)

Update some days later: At times, it seems that the VH energy is working on me quite strongly on its own accord. Right now, mainly in the head and forehead area. (With the CFS and PTSD, I have for a while had an energetic sense that the frontal cortex has especially needed healing.)

#7 Monday March 28 (1/2 hour) 

Fifth session with NW. He focused mostly on the remaining Epstein-Barr viruses and said they were about 95% gone at the end of the session. (Most or all of the active infection gone, the dormant left.) He also strengthened the immune system and made it more alert to the remaining EPV.

#6 Monday March 21

Fourth session with NW. This was mainly focused on the Epstein-Barr virus (EPV) infection. He said the EPV is cleared about 70% so far. He also finished the main steps for working on the brain fog, although there is more that can be done. And he spent a few minutes energizing the kidneys. (I have noticed a weak kidney energy since my twenties.)

I didn’t notice that much effect of this session, perhaps because it mainly focused on an infection already “knocked back” to some extent with herbal medicines.

#5 Monday March 14

Third session with NW. He first focused on the Epstein-Barr infection and “knocked it back” although need more work to eliminate it completely he said. He also removed some conditioning around the brain fog. And strenthened my kidney energy (which I have known/felt is weak for long time) and improved the chi flow through my cells. As I was curious, he checked and said I have about 22 karmic knots.

#4 Monday March 7 

This session was my second with NW from the Bay Area and we decided to focus on the victim identity. (An identity that has surfaced more strongly since the onset of CFS / PTSD.) I did notice some energies during the session, and especially in/around the head during the last 10 minutes.

I’ll spend some time exploring the victim identity more intentionally. Right now, I notice the energy that makes it up, and that it’s connected to stories giving it meaning. He did say that he sensed the particular flavor has to do with nobody helping, and that fits my experience. Especially during elementary school, I felt quite alone and that nobody (or very few) were on my side. I especially felt that nobody were consistently on my side, there were nobody I could lean on or trust to always be there for me.

I am writing this within an hour of the session so there may be more to report tomorrow morning and in the next few days.

Update: The vicitm identity came up quite strongly the following one or two days, but it was much easier to be present with it and see it more for what it is. (Created by images and thoughts without further reality.) It hasn’t come up much since. (I am writing this three weeks later.)

In general after the first three sessions

I have noticed a “high” from two of the three first sessions, and this naturally tapers off over a few days. What stays seems to be the deeper (structural?) changes, such as the healing of the 2nd chakra divine line (very noticable difference) and a deeper sense of strength following the third session.

Another change I notice, as mentioned below, is that I am listening to Arvo Part again, I do tonglen, and I do sitting meditation again.

#3 Tuesday night

A session over Skype with NW in the Bay Area. (Who happens to be a friend of friends of mine there.)

He focused mostly on strengthening my system. Again, I experienced some presence and energies during the session, and lasting for perhaps one or two days. I also did feel stronger when I woke up this morning and through the day.

After this session, I have experienced a good deal of energy running through my system and I have had several nights where I only slept 2-3 hours due to this. (I take it as a good sign. It may be that my system just needs time to figure out how to deal with and integrate it.)

I have also been inspired to do more formal sitting meditation again on my own, which I haven’t since I got the CFS some years ago. And I have listened to Byron Katie which I haven’t for a long time.

#2 Sunday morning 

A session over Skype with JC in England.

This was mostly focused on the Lyme infection. I experienced some energies during the session. About half an hour following the session I experienced a burning sensation through my body. This lasted for two or three days, and longest in the head area.

#1 Thursday night 

A session in person with KD.

During the session, I could feel a strong presence and energy in and around me, and a lot of movement in my belly.

Here are some notes he sent to NW in the Bay Area whom I did a session with a few days later.

  • fixed broken divine line in 2nd chakra (yay!)
  • put in most of the standard treatment structures available at Omega level (his system really liked the fascia alignment structures)
  • energized the system with All-Energetics wherever it was most needed (in his case, the sacral/lumbar spine)
  • broke timelines twice in P’s “gut brain”
  • broke timeline on how his system is still in the broad holding pattern of the chronic fatigue
  • checked to see if an infection was present and confirmed it was since I was able to run some tools on it, but for only 10 mins (I had limitations on time)
  • re-patterning and integration at the end

The broken (or blocked?) divine line at the 2nd chakra can apparently create a range of health, emotional, and life problems. I have certainly had my fair share of these since the sudden onset of CFS, PTSD and the darkest part of the dark night.

The morning after this session, I woke up noticing a significant change and thought “I have my old belly back”. The much more healthy belly than what I have experienced over the last 6-7 years (with CFS, PTSD etc.).

I also experienced the full and nourishing feeling I do after having a Five Element acupuncture session, although the energy this time was stronger and lasted longer.

After the session, I found myself drawn to music and practices that were an important part of my life before the onset of the strong CFS / dark night phase. Specifically, the music of Arvo Part and the tonglen practice. (During the strong CFS / dark night phase, I still theoretically appreciated it but found it very difficult to listen to the music or actually do tonglen. Something in me was not aligned with it.)

It seems that Vortex Healing is without the backlash that most energy healing modalities have for me. I suspect it’s because it’s guided by – as they say – divine intelligence.

tagged: autobiography, own healing, vortex healing  

CFS, Lyme and personality changes

moe Leave a comment

The real reasons behind the CFS label, and also Lyme infections and co-infections, often create personality changes. Along with fatigue and brain fog and some other things, these personality changes can be among the most challenging symptoms. They certainly have been for me.

In my case they include:

Reduced executive functions. Poor memory. Difficulty making and following through on plans. Difficulty taking care of essentials in life.

Hypersensitivity to sound, chemicals, and my environment in general. Avoiding noisy places.

Having to say no to or cancelling invitations due to fatigue and feeling terrible. (And people sometimes interpreting it differently and getting upset.)

Withdrawing from family and friends due to fatigue and brain fog. (Again, with people sometimes interpreting it differently and perhaps themselves withdrawing.)

Emotional rawness, turmoil and instability. Anxiety. Dread. Irritability. Bursts of anger. All of these are uncharacteristic for me as they have played out after the serious CFS returned and also after I got Lyme.

Vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and hangups amplified and coming to the surface. These surface since there isn’t much energy to cope with them as I did before the CFS.

And the fatigue, brain fog, and what’s listed above, often leads to missing opportunities, losing much of what’s important to me, and finding myself in life situations I couldn’t have imagined finding myself in.

tagged: chronic fatigue, lyme, own healing  

Chronic fatigue (CFS) means…..

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I am also reminded of how the chronic fatigue (CFS) label really says “we don’t know what’s going on”. And for dedicated doctors, it says “we are going to find out what’s really going on with you”. (For other doctors, it says “I can’t help you”.) In my case, I was lucky to finally find a doctor who could diagnose it and help with treatment.

From a previous post.

The CFS label is a temporary and somewhat lazy label. It can be helpful as a label that includes a typical cluster of symptoms, and it does give some doctors an idea of what to look for.

I have certainly had my share of doctors who half-heartedly asked some questions and did a few tests, and for whom the label really meant “I can’t help you”. And now finally, one for whom the label meant “I can help you. I won’t give up until I figure out what’s going on with you. I have found several reasons for your fatigue and brain fog, and it can be treated”.

tagged: chronic fatigue, own healing  

Chronic fatigue and spirituality

moe Leave a comment

I have wondered about CFS and spirituality. It does seem that more people with CFS are into spirituality than average. It may be that people with CFS get into spirituality as a way to deal with it. Or that there is another connection. For instance, it’s possible that both CFS and getting into spirituality has to do with a wish to find refuge or escape from this world. That may be part of it for me as well. (And that doesn’t mean that spirituality can be reduced to wishing to finding refuge or escaping.)

From a previous post.

In my case, I got CFS at age 15 a few months after mononucleosis. There was a sense of the world becoming very far away, my head felt filled with cotton, I was severely fatigued, my brain didn’t work properly. (I didn’t think of it as CFS then, but looking back the label fits.) After about a year, there was a spontaneous opening or awakening where everything without exception was revealed as God, Spirit, consciousness, love. And that opening never really closed down. The CFS continued, although I learned to regulate it more following high school, and it was compensation for by my passion for what I did.

I then got severe CFS again some years ago, and a few months after pneumonia. (I was bedridden for 3 weeks and terribly sick. My doctor called it “walking pneumonia”! I normally don’t like to take medicines, but at that time I strongly felt I needed it, but my doctor didn’t agree.)

In both of those phases of my life, I felt quite lost and off track. Initially, combined with or because of typical teenage angst. More recently because I found myself in a situation that didn’t feel right at all, and it felt difficult to get out of it. (Getting out of it in a real way meant I had to go against or confront some very core beliefs and fears.)

So it may be that CFS is connected with feeling off track. Or seeking refuge from a difficult situation or world. Or there may be personality characteristics – such as being highly sensitivie – that makes us both interested in spirituality and susceptible to CFS. Or that may just be the mind trying to make sense of things.

What’s more real is that CFS and other illnesses does bring up our fears, beliefs, and identifications, and we can look at these. It tends to bring up what’s unfelt, unloved, and unquestioned in us, with an invitation to us to feel it, find love for it, and question the stories behind or associated with it.

tagged: chronic fatigue, own healing, spirituality  

Similar symptoms for multiple health problems

moe Leave a comment

I find it interesting that most of the health problems I am diagnosed with have similar symptoms (CFS, EBV, Lyme, B12 deficiency etc.). These symptoms are mainly fatigue, brain fog (including a feeling of “cotton in the head”), and diminished executive and frontal lobe functions (planning, following through on plans, reading, remembering, reaction time).

The conventional explanation is quite simple: My system was gradually weakened, initially by stress and then EBV, which made me susceptible to all the following things (parasites, B12 deficiency etc.). And many health problems, including these, have symptoms such as fatigue and brain fog. It’s not too mysterious.

Another approach is to ask myself: If life wanted me to experience fatigue and brain fog, what would the reason be? What can I learn from it? How can it help me reorient? What’s the invitation?

To experience more of the human condition? Deepening empathy?

Get to see “what’s left” in terms of hangups, beliefs, wounds, trauma, and identifications?

Or, if the fatigue and brain fog had a protective function, what would it be? To find a sense of safety (from the world)?

There may be some truth or validity to each of these. These symptoms are common for a range of health issues. I can definitely take it as an invitation to learn and perhaps mature and deepen as a human being. And the symptoms may also have a protective function, and it’s good to look at that too.

Note: I have wondered about CFS and spirituality. It does seem that more people with CFS are into spirituality than average. It may be that people with CFS get into spirituality as a way to deal with it. Or that there is another connection. For instance, it’s possible that both CFS and getting into spirituality has to do with a wish to find refuge or escape from this world. That may be part of it for me as well. (And that doesn’t mean that spirituality can be reduced to wishing to finding refuge or escaping.)

Note 2: I am also reminded of how the chronic fatigue (CFS) label really says “we don’t know what’s going on”. And for dedicated doctors, it says “we are going to find out what’s really going on with you”. (For other doctors, it says “I can’t help you”.) In my case, I was lucky to finally find a doctor who could diagnose it and help with treatment.

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tagged: lyme, own healing  

Chronic Fatigue & Lyme Update

moe 4 Comments

I just spent two weeks in Poland and went to the Lyme/CFS clinic almost daily. It’s good to get some answers, and yet the treatments this time had less effect than last summer. I think it is because the treatment mainly focused on repairing the mitochondria, while what I more acutely need is to focus on active infections.

Here are some highlights:

Lab Reports February 2016

Active Epstein-Barr, Lyme, and two pneumonia bacteria. (I am not surprised about this. For instance, my Lyme symptoms return when I am off Artemisinin for two days a week.)

Epstein-Barr (these should be less than 2)

EBV LTT antigen 1 ug/ml  6.6

EBV LTT antigen 0,5 ug/ml  2.9

Borrelia (Lyme) (these should be less than 2)

afzelli 5.5

sensu stricto 3.1

garini 5.4

OspC 3.7

Pneumonia (these levels have increased since July 2015, which matches my experience)

Mycoplasma pneumoniae IgG  118 (has increased, was 96 in July 2015)

Chlamydia pneumoniae IgG  159 (has increased, was 118 in July 2015)

OK vitamin D3 level.

Vit. 25-OH D3 73,4 ng/ml
Not active candida.
Candida albicans IgA    < 10 U/ml
Candida albicans IgM    < 10 U/ml
OK B12 level? This was very low (127) last summer and I have taken sublingual B12 (methylcobalamin) since then. The reason my body doesn’t absorb B12 through the intestines may be parasites.

Methylmalonic acid  17 ug/l   normal range 9-32 (an indirect indicator for B12)

Magnesium are at normal levels. Selenium is at 135 ug/l (normal is 50-120) so it’s a little high, and the symptoms of high selenium fits with what I have. (It seems that just about all of the positive findings have similar symptoms, and fit with mine….!)

It’s also possible that I have heavy metals in my body (increasing the load) and parasites.

A “Food Detective” test found that my body reacts strongly to almonds and cow’s milk, and mildly to wheat, rye, oats, mushrooms, and yeast. (None of these are surprising to me. I have known about my reaction to sugar, what, and diary, and also some other grains and almonds.) It may be even more important for me to stay away from these foods since my body mobilizes against them, which means it will have fewer resources to take care of the real threats (intracellular EBV, Lyme, pneumonia).

Lab Reports from June 2015

EBV IgG 284 U/ml (Epstein-Barr antibodies, over 20 is positive)

C3A / C4A serum levels. These were low and suggested Sjøgren’s disease. Later results were negative for Sjøgren’s.

C3A serum level 0.27 (low, o.58 – 1.90 is normal range)

C4A serum level 0.37 (low, 0.57 – 1.68 is normal range)

VEGF 0.86 (within normal range)

Glucose 6 phosphate dehydrogenase 10.2 U/g Hb (normal range 7.20 – 10.50. This is a metabolic pathway providing energy to cells.)

ADH antidiurethic hormone 5.0 ng/l (normal is below 8)

Epstein-Barr

Antibodies p/EBV IgM 0.25 S/CO (negative, below 0.50 is negative)

Antibodies p/EBV IgG 59.16 S/CO (postive, over 1.00 is positive)

Vitamin 25-OH D3 37.0 ng/ml (normal/optimal range is 30-50)

Vitamin B12 127.4 pg/ml (very low, should be 200-800 range – or really 400-800 from what I read other places)

Borrelia IgM Western-Blot – negative, no reaction. (This is likely a false negative based on symptoms and other tests.)

CD3/CD8 (T-cell co-receptors)

% CD3+CD4+  13.3 (low, normal range is 19.0-38.9)

CD3+CD4+ 242  (low, normal range is 300-1200)

CD4/CD8 3.54 (high, normal range is 0.80-2.50)

CD57

% CD3+CD8+ 14.6 (low, normal range is 19.0-38.9)

CD3+CD8+ 266 (low, normal range is 300-1200)

Cortisol 472.3 nmol/l (normal range is 171-536)

Pneumonia

Antibodies p/Mycolasma pneumoniae IgA  negative

Antibodies p/Mycoplasma pneumoniae IgG 95.7 RU/ml  (over 20 is positive)

Antibodies p/Chlamydia pneumoniae IgG  118.39 RU/ml  (over 22 is positive)

Antibodies p/Chlamydia pneumoniae IgA  negative

Minerals

Sodium  146 mmol/l (little high, normal range is 136-145)

Potassium 3.97 mmpl/l (normal range is 3.5-5.1)

Chloride 109 mml/l (little high, normal range is 98-107)

ALT 24.1 U/l (normal is above 4 – not sure what this is)

AST 25.4 U/l (normal is below 39 – not sure what this is)

Hormones

TSH 2.480 ulU/ml (normal range is 0.270-4.200 – thyroid stimulating hormone)

Free thyroxine FT4  17.89 pmol/l (normal range is 12.00-22.00 – thyroid)

Triidothyrine FT3  5.68 pmol/l (normal range is 3.10-6.80 – thyroid)

Testosteron 22.36 nmol/l (normal range is 9.90-27.80)

 

Lab results from Ahus (hospital in Norway, February 2016)

Cytomegalovirus

CMV IgG Negative

CMV IgM Negative

Epstein-Barr Virus

EBV EBNA-IgG Negative

EBV VCA-IgG  345 (The Norwegian doctor says this suggest past infection. When I look at it, I see a higher number than the results June 2015 which suggests active infection.) 

EBV VCA-IgM Negative

Hepatitis

Hepatitis B virus core antigens  Negative

Hepatitis B virus surface antigens  Negative

Hepatitis C virus antigens Negative

Treatment February 2016

While at the clinic this time, I received i.v. to repair mitochondria and remove heavy metals from my body. I also did two hyperthermia treatments.

What I was prescribed while I was there:

Multimessenger (for immune system). Consists of: Colostrum/ betainehydrochlorid / Larix occidentalis/ Green Tea extract/ Punica granatum/ astragalus membranaceus/ Lentinula edodes/ Grofila Frondosa
Artemisinin 500mg x 2/day
Black cumin oil 5ml away from food – black seed oil “Ethiopia” from El-Hawag
Cholestyremine (to remove heavy metals)
Plaquenil (for parasites + possible Sjogren’s syndrome)
LDN 4.5mg
Vit D3
Probiotics

As I suspected, my doctor also recommends I go back to using antibiotics to take care of the EPV, Lyme, and pneumonia.

I also take vitamin A+K, magnesium, and eleuthero (Siberian ginseng for strength) and echinacea (for immune function).

What I am prescribed from my herbalist:

Echinacea 5g

Eleuthero to max comfort

Kapi kachu to max comfort

Methyl Folate work up to 5g

Weakened system and accumulation

Here is what I suspect happened:

I had mononucleosis at 14 or 15 followed by an initial CFS a few months later. I was sick most of high school.

I did better after high school, as long as I was careful about what I ate and to get rest when I needed.

I had a severe pneumonia 6-7 years ago which never left my system, and I had a strong return of the CFS a few months later.

I got Lyme May of 2015 (numb arms, legs, face, tongue, poor memory, severe fatigue).

It seems that each of these – the Epstein-Barr, pneumonia, and Lyme stayed in and increased the load on my system. The two periods of CFS both came a few months after a serious infection (mononucleosis and pneumonia). It’s likely that my body was initially weakened by the EPB and was then less able to fight off the rest.

It’s also possible that my system was weakened by feeling lost and off track, which I did both at age 14-15, and 6-7 years ago. During times when I have experienced a strong sense of purpose and being on track, I tend to do better.

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tagged: autobiography, chronic fatigue, lyme, own healing  

Health update

moe Leave a comment

As mentioned in an earlier post, I went to a doctor in Poland this summer. He is a specialist in Lyme, and – as it turns out – also in chronic fatigue (CFS). He sent my blood off to a number of labs, and I received the results in August. The results show a number of things that all contribute to fatigue and brain fog (including poor executive functions and shaky/raw emotions).

These include: Very low B12 levels (127), epstein-barr virus (mononucleosis, often associated with CFS), two pneumonia viruses, an auto-immune disease, and Lyme.

It’s a relief to finally have more specific information about what’s been going on with me. Now, I can say it’s the things listed above, instead of using the fuzzy term CFS.

I don’t know the exact sequence of how I got these things, but here is my best guess:

When I was 14 or 15, I had mononucleosis. Some months later, I got CFS for the first time and this lasted 2-4 years quite severely. I felt I never recovered from this, and that may be true if the Epstein-Barr virus is still in my system (intracellular). After this, in my twenties and early thirties, I was able to function reasonably well as long as I could organize my own schedule and include rest when I needed it. (I was unable to follow a regular work schedule, and fortunately didn’t have to.)

Seven or eight years ago, I had pneumonia, and I never felt I got over this too. It now turns out I didn’t. The viruses are still there (also intracellular). This pneumonia preceded (and may have led to?) my second severe CFS episode some months later, much more severe than the initial one in my teens.

I assume the B12 deficiency developed over several years. It may have made me more susceptible to the pneumonia and Lyme by weakening my system so I couldn’t fight them off. It’s also possible that some of these led or contributed to (?) the B12 deficiency (not sure if that’s how it works).

It’s also possible that I have had Lyme for far longer than just this summer. Several people have suggested it, although I didn’t have any tests until now.

My doctor thinks that these are all treatable, so I am optimistic. I also know how important it is to help my system relax and strengthen in general, through diet, sleep, nourishing relationships and activities, moderate physical activity, helping my nervous system release tension and relax, doing inquiry on stressful beliefs/identities/apparent threats, and more.

Any prayers for my full recovery are welcome.

tagged: autobiography, chronic fatigue, lyme, own healing  

My experience with Lyme in Norway

moe 3 Comments

IMG_1597

In mid-May, I noticed a numbness in hands, feet, and face, and weakness in my hands. Two weeks later, I discovered a red ring on the underside of my arm, near the armpit. I went to a doctor who thought it could be Lyme disease and gave me a five-day antibiotics treatment (this was in the US). The numbness went away after one day.

Two weeks later, in Norway, the symptoms returned and were much stronger. The numbness was back in my hands, feet, and face, and now also tongue and mouth (and a bit later lower arms), along with stiff neck, very strong brain fog and grogginess, and fatigue. (The initial extremely strong fatigue and brain fog could be related to jet lag, and I also have baseline fatigue and brain fog from the CFS. Although the unusually strong grogginess remains now even after the jetlag is gone.) I also have a weak grip (things slip out of my hands), and when I get up after resting I move and feel like an old man.

I had gathered that Lyme is a controversial topic in Norway. The official position seems to be that the infection itself doesn’t last very long. (If the symptoms are longer lasting, it’s something else.) Doctors who treat this “non-existing” disease in Norway risk losing their license and one did even last year.

When I called my regular doctor, I got an appointment the same day by the receptionist. She called back within an hour and said that when the doctor had heard why I wanted to see him, he canceled the appointment and said I could possibly get an appointment two months later. A bright spot: Some days later, I was able to get an appointment. My doctor looked at the red ring, did some neurological tests, and agreed that Lyme is a probable diagnosis. He gave me a relatively mild two-week antibiotics treatment.

From what I understand, it’s important to treat it more thoroughly, especially early in the process, to prevent problems later on. I got the names of some doctors who may be more knowledgeable about Lyme and contacted several of them. The pattern was the same with all of them: When they heard why I wanted to see them, they either didn’t respond or said they possibly had an appointment about two months in the future (and to call them them to set it up).

The last one I talked with was initially friendly and welcoming, and when heard why I called responded: “that’s a controversial topic in Norway, I need to go now and will call you back later, goodbye”. And then didn’t respond to my later attempts at contacting him.

The essence is that it seems impossible to get quality treatment for Lyme disease in Norway. That’s why most Norwegians with Lyme disease go to Germany or Poland to see doctors there.

Several things come up for me around this:

I had expected Norwegian doctors to at least have the integrity to tell me they can’t treat me since they may lose their license if they do. Instead, they either cancel my appointment, don’t respond, or tell me to call back in two months. (Which seems irresponsible considering my symptoms,)

Since there is disagreement about Lyme internationally, I would expect the Norwegian doctors and government to take a precautionary approach. To treat any possible or likely Lyme disease thoroughly (initial four or six-week antibiotics treatment + anti-cyst medication). Instead, they chose to not treat it, avoid patients who may have it, or they treat it in a minimalistic way that may make it worse in the long run.

I don’t know the politics around this, but the official policy on Lyme in Norway does seem to be influenced by politics, and perhaps arrogance and wounded egos.

I should mention that I am among the more cautious when it comes to using medication and antibiotics (also to reduce the risk of creating more antibiotic-resistant strains), but in this case, the risks of leaving it untreated or wrongly treated seem serious enough so I chose to go the medical and precautionary route.

This also triggers the victim identity in me, since it comes on top of my existing struggles with CFS, and it happened just as I left the US (where I could have received the proper treatment) for Norway (where I can’t).

Update: It seems there are three possibilities when people are infected by Lyme. (a) It lasts for a relatively short period of time and then is gone, perhaps due to antibiotics treatment. (b) It can become longer-lasting, due to continued infection. (c) There may be an auto-immune response which creates problems. I am sure there are other possibilities too. I haven’t read much about it yet.

Update 2, mid-July 2015: I went to Poland to see a Lyme specialist there. It turns out that he also specializes in CFS. It’s possible that there is a weakness in my system that makes me more susceptible to both CFS and Lyme. He took a good number of tests to get an idea of what’s going on, and what the best course of treatment may be. One of the main questions is why my mitochondria seem compromised, and unable to produce as much energy as they normally would. I feel a little better, partly from what he gave me, and partly from feeling I am in good hands and that someone actually takes my case seriously and may be able to do something about it.

Update 3, July 16, 2015: I had an appointment with my regular doctor in Norway (about referral to neurologist for CFS), and he interrupted me and changed the topic as soon as I tried to give him an update about the Lyme. I still have numbness in arms, legs, and face, a stiff neck, strong headache, very strong grogginess, memory problems, diarrhea, and more, so it seems irresponsible by him to dismiss it – to the point of not even wanting to hear about it. (The symptoms are stronger some days than others, and obviously quite debilitating.)

Update 2016: After hitting my head against the wall with the Norwegian health-care system, I went to a very good private clinic in Gdansk, Poland, and received treatment there. It was expensive but worth it. The symptoms reduced greatly although it seems that the treatment wasn’t enough for the Lyme and co-infections to go away completely. It may just be that I didn’t go there enough times and for long enough.

Update 2019: I am now free of symptoms from Lyme and co-infections, and it seems to be due to several Vortex Healing treatments. The symptoms have returned about half a year following the Vortex Healing session(s), although it’s easy enough to schedule a new session (or a series of brief sessions) which makes the symptoms go away again.

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tagged: chronic fatigue, health, lyme, norway, own healing, politics, society