Dream of a future and more

I see a whole set of hopes, fears, deficiency stories and more connected to relationships, and especially intimate relationships.

Here are some of them:

A dream of a future. A sense of how it feels when I am with a soul mate. (A deep soul and heart connection, deep sense of rightness and alignment.)

A woman/relationship that will save me. (Complete me, enliven me.) A woman/relationship that will destroy me. (Of being stuck in a relationship that doesn’t feel right.)

A fear of missing out. An identity of being unlovable, unloved, only half filled-up with love.

Feeling frozen on the threshold of something more than friendship. Fear. (Concern about how I am seen.)

Missed relationships. Lost relationships.

There is also a recurrent childhood dream of falling through blackness into a cauldron stirred by a witch, looking up at me and grinning. (Representing knotted emotions in women, and myself?)

I can explore these through Living Inquiry, for instance can I find the future or this particular dream of the future? Does it exist outside of images, words and sensations? Can I find a real threat there somewhere? Can I find a command to live that dream, or “see through” the dream? How is the soul-mate feeling created? What’s there in images, words and sensations? (And so on.)

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Barry: Things will continue to fall apart until the death is complete

Things will continue to fall apart until the death is complete.  All this is taking to you to a place where there is absolute freedom, where the personal self sense has dissolved.  That doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help to get the basic human needs met. That is all part of love and truth. [….]

When this happened to me all I could do was pray to God to receive the gifts of this pain and suffering and see it as God’s grace and path to Christ.  It is hard, but it is the truth and the way through…Surrender, surrender, surrender, throw yourself body, mind, soul, spirit into God’s hands.  Remember Christ’s last words on the cross..”Father, into your hands I commend my spirit!”  Love, Barry

– Barry, in an email to me.

I have gone through a period where things seem to fall apart, often in amazing ways and (largely) outside of my control. It’s happened especially strongly the last 2-3 years, although it started earlier. It’s part of the dark night of the soul that I seem to go through.

These days, I notice a deeper rage and anger towards life, God, and perhaps – from my younger self – towards my parents. It’s probably an anger that has accumulated over a long time, and it feels very much like the rebellious and desperate tantrum of a child. It seems to be a hopeless, desperate anger. There are also thoughts such as: I didn’t ask for this. I refuse to be “taught lessons” in this way. I refuse to mature and find clarity if it’s going to happen through these situations. 

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Laying in bed this morning, I noticed some familiar fragmentation  in my mind, and also some frozenness, and I see how it prevents me from living a full and rich life following my guidance and integrity. I think it’s all from childhood (and really, from right now), and I want to take care of it. I may do a couple of more sessions with Bill (the local trauma guy), I plan to explore it with inquiry, pray for guidance and healing, and also bring it to mind while shaking. I have noticed the fragmentation also when looking at body images – there is one image of my physical body, then two images of my body that are not completely aligned with my physical body. I wonder if those are there because they feel safer somehow. I also notice several images of “me” in the head area – one of the physical head, one that’s in the same location only larger, and one behind my physical head. It will be interesting to see what happens when I recognize more clearly that these are images and not “me”.

I wrote this earlier today. I see I can take several things here to the Living Inquiries: Trauma. Wounds. Childhood. Fragmentation. Frozenness. The various body images, which seem to come up naturally in the Living Inquiry sessions across a range of topics. The command to be healed, to not have trauma, to not have wounds, to be whole, healthy and unblemished. The command to resist any of these. The threat in wounds, trauma, frozenness, fragmentation, healing, wholeness.

Stories about body sensations

I keep seeing some of my stories about body sensations.

Here are some:

I need to feel a certain way (energy, clarity, zest) to get something done.

I need this feeling to go away. I need it to change. This feeling is wrong.  

This feeling means I am doomed. It means something terrible happened / will happen. 

Some things to look for with the Living Inquiries:

Tension. Discomfort. Unease. Sensations. Physical pain. The one who has tension. The one who has discomfort. The one who wants it to go away. The one who wants a different feeling. The one who has physical pain. Boomerang situation: Feeling discomfort in my body, and getting caught in resisting it, wanting it to go away.

Things to look for with Living Inquiries

Some things I may explore with the Unfindable Inquiry from the Living Inquiries:

Longing. The one who longs (for love, deep sense of rightness, home, alignment). Boomerang situation: Longing in early childhood. Remembering how it was before incarnation (infinite love, deep sense of home and rightness), and not receiving it from my parents.

Fear. The one who is afraid. Boomerang situation: Fear about the future. Seeing myself in the future, alone, on the streets (or in a small apartment), a wreck, on government support, miserable, in mental turmoil.

Doom. The one who is doomed. Boomerang situation: A sense of dread. Primal sense of dread.

Loss. The one who lost what was most important to him. The one who will lose what’s most important to him. Boomerang situation: Loss of relationships, loss of passion/clarity, loss of opportunities (education, living places that felt right, work).

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Victim identity

I seem to be in a process of cleaning out anything not aligned with reality and love, and as part of that the victim identity sometimes comes up very strongly.

Any image or thought that’s held as true creates identification as a victim, and some more obviously so than other. I am a victim of the world. And with that, there are additional stories. It’s hopeless. Life is against me. I can’t have what I want. I am unlovable. I am missing out. He has a better life than me. Nothing goes my way. I will be alone. 

Some things I do in addition to sometimes getting completely caught up in it:

Giving it all over to God. I give all – this body, mind, situation – over to you, God. 

Giving it to the heart flame. Placing my body-mind, and the victim identification, in the flame. Allowing the flame (clarity, love, non-identification) to burn away anything not like itself.

Identifying and inquiring into beliefs.

Inviting in natural strength, clarity, love. Natural strength is welcome here. 

Asking for deep healing and resolution. Asking for guidance. Show me the way. Let this find deep resolution and healing. 

Asking that this will be for the benefit of all beings. (Aligning myself with that intention.) Asking myself if it’s true that this is not already to the benefit of all beings. (Noticing I don’t know it’s not this way, noticing where I find examples of how it already is that way.)

Here are a couple of questions to help me see what’s really there:

What do I hope to get out of victim identification?

If I am a victim…. Others will love me, take care of me. I will get what I want. God will take care of me. God will love me. Life will give me what I want. I get to not take responsibility. I get to not look at my assumptions. I get to stay a child. Others will pay attention to me. I can manipulate others to get what I want.

What am I afraid would happen if it wasn’t there?

If the victim identification wasn’t here, what I fear the most is….. It would be unfamiliar. I wouldn’t know how to live. I wouldn’t get what I want. I wouldn’t be able to manipulate others. Others wouldn’t pay attention to me. They wouldn’t love me.

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Inquiry: It’s enough to say it once

Some recurrent thoughts for me:

It’s enough to say it once. She won’t take me seriously anyway. She underestimates me. She thinks I am not clear on what I want. She second guesses me. It’s hopeless. I can’t convince her of anything else. My best option is to give up. I won’t correct it. I’ll punish her by saying it once, letting her go off in her own stories, and then show her she is wrong. I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it. I am a victim (of the situation, of her). She doesn’t trust I can take care of myself. She treats me as a victim. She tries to make me small.

Situation: My mother not taking what I say seriously. Going into her own stories about it. I give up because it seems hopeless. She won’t listen anyway. She won’t realize I am clear on what I want. She underestimates me. She doesn’t trust I can take care of myself. (This has come up with other people too, often women.)

Current situation: I offered Breema to K. (a friend), she second guessed me and thought I wanted to eat first. (While what I said was what I meant.)

Statement: It’s enough (for me) to say it once.

What happens: I feel angry. Go quiet. Want to punish her by staying quiet, and then revealing she was wrong. I harden. Go numb.

TA: It’s not enough (for me) to say it once.

She assumed I didn’t say what I wanted, so she needed me to clear it up for her.

She went into her own stories, and saying it more than once for me could have cleared it up for her.

Saying it more than once means I am taking care of myself. I meant what I said, and I can clarify that I meant what I said.

TA: It’s enough for her to say it once.

As soon as I notice she goes into her own stories, I can interrupt and clarify. It’s kind of me to correct it right away, instead of waiting. (And get resentful.)

I noticed right away what was going on. I didn’t need her to say it more than once.

TA: It’s enough for me to say it once (!)

I won’t have to repeat myself. I can say it differently.

It’s impossible for me to say it twice. I cannot if I tried.

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Statements for inquiry – Wounded Child

What prevents you from releasing identification with the wounded child?

Fear comes up

Don’t want to look at it
Scary to look at wounded child
Scary to let go of identifying with wounded child

Adyashanti: Stand in your own shoes

Stop trying to have someone else’s experience.
Stop chasing freedom or happiness, or even spiritual enlightenment.
Stand in your own shoes
and examine closely what’s happening right here and right now.

– Adyashanti

Some related beliefs:

Her life is better than mine. He is more clear than I am. He is getting it.

She is doing it right. I am doing it wrong.

Happiness is better than this. Enlightenment is better than this.

Enlightenment is in others (the past, the future). Clarity is not here.

When I am clear…. I will be happy. I will live fully. I will be content. I will have what I want. My life will be easier.

Enlightenment is about…. clarity, love, contentment. Clarity is not here, is it true? Love is not here, is it true? Contentment is not here, is it true?

Inquiry: Not masculine enough / masculinity means….

Here is a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet my current inquiry partner wrote about me.

  1. I am frustrated with you because you are less cool than I expected you to be. And that means: You won’t be able to support me like a strong man. You are sensitive. It will be all about you.

  2. I won’t get enough for myself.

  3. I want you to do more easygoing chitchat with me. I want you to be a different person. I want you to resemble your picture.

  4. You should stop taking The Work so seriously. You should lean back and relax.

  5. I need you to be funny. I need you to be light-hearted. I need you to adore me as a woman.

  6. You are not cool, too soft, overly gentle, not directive enough, not masculine enough.

  7. I don’t ever want to experience you as not cool, again.

It fits my own thoughts. And I also have a justification for it: It’s because of the chronic fatigue. I have gone through a dark night of the soul, a transformation of the will. It’s because I’ve been flattened by this. There is a cultural difference. (Men in Norway are less caught up in traditional beliefs about masculinity.) It’s because I have beliefs about robustness, masculinity, power. (I have fearful thoughts about it, so don’t allow it in myself as much as I could. I hold it back.)

Some beliefs I found in the follow up:

I want you to see me as a whole person. I don’t want to be (too strongly/exclusively) identified with this. I want you to understand it’s temporary, and that there is more to me.

Some of my own beliefs and statements for inquiry:

If I am strong (powerful), what I fear the most is…. People will be afraid of me. People won’t like me. I will scare people. I will misuse my power. People will get hurt.

If I am robust, what I fear the most is…. I will miss out. I will be half a person. I won’t be a whole person. I won’t grow. I won’t find empathy for others. I will be arrogant. I will be blind to what’s going on for others.

If I am masculine, what I fear the most is…. People will get hurt. People will get scared. I will misuse my power. I will overlook something important. I will be half a person. I won’t learn from weakness. I won’t understand others. I won’t be able to empathize.

If I don’t dive into my weakness, what I am most afraid would happen is…. I will miss out of something important. I will be half a person. I won’t grow. I won’t understand others. I won’t find empathy for others.

Masculinity means…. Being distant. Uncaring. Strong. Protection. Silent. Brutal. Insensitive. Feared by others. Judged by others. Embracing what’s given, biology. Protecting others. Standing up for what’s right. Standing upright. Embracing all of me. Being deeply honest. Being clear. Embracing the masculine and feminine. Being a full human being. Embracing strength and vulnerability.

Power means….. Abuse of power. Crushing. Protection. Feared by others. Isolation. Misjudging use of my power. Inadvertent abuse of power. Ability to get things done. Ability to protect others. Resilience. Steering a situation in a more life-affirming direction. Protecting life. Being honest. Being clear. Standing upright. Embracing all of me, being a full human being.

Strength means…. Isolation. Power. Harm. Harm of the less strong. Judgment from others. Met by fear from others. Standing upright. Resiliency. Ability to bounce back. Ability to handle difficulties and come through stronger. Embracing all of me.

Robustness means…. Insensitivity. Pushing away weakness. Pretending to be half a person. Isolation. Others wanting to keep me at a distance. Stability. Power. More self-reliant. Resilience. Going through difficulties and coming out stronger. Embracing the whole of me and life.

Being directive means…. I will override others. I will be insensitive to others. They will resent me. They will see me as egotistical. They will see me as self-absorbed. They will keep their distance from me. I will be isolated. I will be misunderstood. More likely to get what I want. Being more efficient. Less confusion. Fewer misunderstandings. Cutting through confusion and misunderstandings. Being clear. Being seen more clearly by others.

I am too sensitive. I am weak. I am not robust enough. I am not strong enough. I am not masculine enough.

People judge me for not being strong (masculine, robust) enough, and that means…. I will be alone. I will be isolated. I will be miserable. I will get caught in the identities created by how they see me.


Satsang with dream figures, people in my life

I continue holding satsang with the witch from my recurrent childhood dream, and also with women in my life I have perceived that witch quality in.

It feels very good. I see how my mind has created the image of the witch to protect (the image of) me. I see that what it desires is to be met with respect, understanding and love, to be deeply loved, and also met with gentle firmness (not allowed to wreak too much havoc). I see that this too is awakeness, the play of awakeness.

And I see I can hold satsang with my images of anyone in my life, or the world, and really anything at all in my world. Bullies from school. People who (a thought says) misperceived me. Illness. Politicians I don’t like. Someone who (I tell myself) hurt me. Myself.

These are all images in my own mind. Created by my own mind. And they are here to protect the image of me, at least when identified with.

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Statements for inquiry ***

Beliefs/fears surfacing when envisioning where I would like to be in five years: I will get my hopes up. I will get my hopes dashed. I can’t have what I want. I can’t have what feels important to me. What’s important for me doesn’t matter. Life doesn’t care about me. Life will pull the rug out from under me. (Again.) Life pulls the rug out from under me. It’s too good for me. What I wish for is too good for me. 

Other beliefs:

It has to be hard. It has to be difficult/challenging.

I need to create problems in my life so I’m forced to look at my beliefs. I need to make people frustrated and angry with me so I’m forced to look at my beliefs.

If people see me as scary that means… They won’t like me. They won’t have a good/favorable image of me. They will look down on me. They will fear me. They will treat me differently. They won’t be my friend. They will harm me.

It’s terrible if people see me as scary.

I can’t have what I want. I can’t have what feels right for me. I end up with second best. ****

If it’s good, it will be forever. *** I will be stuck with it. I won’t move on. Life won’t move on. I need to avoid what’s good (relationships, education, work, places) so I won’t get stuck with it forever. ***

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Mother wound

I am seeing a pattern from early childhood, and it’s connected to the image of being alone in a crib in a dark room, crying and my parents not coming (there and then). At least sometimes, I felt I didn’t get what I wanted or needed (love, attention, a sense of security and trust), and that my cries were ineffective in getting me what I wanted or needed.

There are several facets to this:

(a) Frozen, paralyzed, numb. This sometimes makes me slow in going for opportunities in life, including in relationships. There is hesitation. Some of the beliefs here are: It’s safer to be quiet. It’s easier to be frozen. I won’t get what I want. I can’t get what I want. Related to this is a sense of shock or frozenness if something happens that a thought labels “very good” or “very bad”. And the hesitation is also a hesitation or slowness in getting into what seems good, and getting out of what doesn’t seem so good. 

(b) A belief of being unloved, which creates a sense of neediness and trying to get from others what I could give to myself (love, acceptance, trust, comfort). And a belief of being unlovable, which creates a sense of insecurity, especially in relationships. Beliefs: I am unloved. I am unlovable. I have missed out of love. She will see I am not good enough for her.

(c) A belief that what’s good will go away, and that I won’t have what’s very good in my life. Beliefs: What’s good will go away. I won’t have what’s very good in my life. It’s too good for me. He/she will figure out it’s too good for me and take it away (job, relationship).

And some ways of exploring this:

Ho’oponpono on myself, others, this pattern in me, in general and in specific situations. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you.

The Work on these beliefs, focusing on the memory of specific situations.

Holding satsang with these parts of me. You are welcome here. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me. How would you like me to be with you? What would satisfy you forever? What are you really?

Connecting with Christ and asking for healing, guidance, be shown what I need to see.

Connecting with the soul space above the heart and the flame there, and bringing it all into the flame, allowing it to burn away anything not like itself (infinite love, clarity, wisdom).

Bringing attention to the densest part of my body, staying with the sensations while breathing, noticing any images or thoughts behind it (creating the sense of density, contraction), making a note of these for inquiry now or later, and bringing attention to the densest part again (the same are or another).

And perhaps most importantly, being honest with myself and others about what I feel, want and think, and – with others – especially in my relation to him or her.

Shut down

After I got the chronic fatigue (aka temporary fatigue, chronic vitality), I have had periods of shut down. The way it shows up now is (a) missing breakfast, (b) a small trigger, and (c) a sense of mental and physical shut down. The remedy is usually food (proteins), plenty of water, and time. It’s partly physical, and there is also a set of beliefs activated.

Here are some of the beliefs:

(a) About the current situation, if I am with others: It’s my fault. They will see me as weak. They won’t like me. They will reject me. I should have taken care of this a long time ago.

(c) About the shut down: I am a victim of this pattern. I am a victim of my body. I am a victim of these beliefs.

(b) And from early childhood: It’s hopeless. I can’t do it. Life is too difficult. It’s easier to shut down. It’s easier to be frozen. It’s safe to be frozen.

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Fears about surrendering to God

Some fears/beliefs about surrendering to God, Christ, the higher self:

I won’t get my needs me. I won’t get my wounds healed. I won’t get what I want in life. I won’t have a good job (live in a good place, be in a good relationship). I will have to abandon my own wishes, wants and needs.

God has other priorities than me. I can’t trust God. God is cruel. God doesn’t care what I want. God doesn’t care if I have a good life.

I won’t get the work I want (live in a place I like, be in a relationship I want). I will have a job I don’t like (live in a place that doesn’t feel right, be in a relationship that doesn’t feel good). I won’t have the life I want.

Something bad will happen if I surrender to God.

Surrendering to God is not like surrendering to kindness, wisdom, love.

God is not kind, love, wise. God is other (different from who/what I am).

God is not to be trusted. God cannot be trusted. God is unpredictable. God is an idiot.


My old friend dread visited again this morning, and has stayed for a while. This time, dread is strong enough to notice and not so strong that I tell myself I am overwhelmed.

I have satsang with dread.

You are welcome here. (And notice dread is already permitted to be dread.)

Thank you for protecting me. (I take time to feel it, let it sink in, notice some of the ways it is protecting me.)

Thank you for your devotion to me. Thank you for your love for me. (This is easier to connect with after taking time with the thankfulness.)

How would you like me to be with you? (This invokes the answer and there is no need to put it into words. Although if it is put into words, it could be labeled respect, stillness, appreciation, gentle interest.)

What’s the stories behind you? The fear? (Something terrible has happened, will happen. Something is terribly wrong. Something is inherently wrong in me and existence.)

How big are you? Do you have any borders? Do you have an inside or outside? (Noticing it’s released from being bound up within imaginary boundaries.)

Who are you really? (Wordless noticing, then put into words such as presence, love, awakeness.)

I notice it sometimes helps to do inquiry quietly and sometimes wordlessly at first, and then notice that thoughts would label it. Then I get the intimacy of the wordless, and the clarity of words. I also get to see that these labels don’t quite fit, even if they are the closest thoughts can come up with.

I also see that images and thoughts puts a boundary around it, labels it dread, says it’s quite primal , and when it visits thoughts will sometimes put it on past, current and future situations.

It seems that it points to a very basic thought: Something is terribly wrong.

And related thoughts: Something terrible has happened, will happen, is happening. I cannot trust life. I cannot trust myself. There is something inherently wrong with life. There is something inherently wrong with me. (I am to blame for it.) 

Belief: It’s worse for me

Among the deep, primal beliefs sitting at an emotional level (belly center), is this one:

It’s worse for me. My suffering is worse (than for others).

It’s easier for others.

It’s related to some other ones I have looked at lately:

I can’t have what I want (that feels deeply right, aligned with my heart).

God doesn’t want me to have what I want.

It’ll get worse if I try to change it.

How is it to feel it, this belief?

Is it true? Is it absolutely true?

How is it to meet it, hold it in love, in the knowing it’s not true?

How is it to stay with it, return to it, over time?

Belief: I can’t have what I want

I can’t have what I want.

I can’t have what feels right, where my heart goes.

Situations: Relationship opportunities in early twenties (M., B., E.), where I lived after marriage. I also imagine it in my parent’s relationship. Elementary school, when I felt lost and an outsider (and didn’t do what was needed for it to change.) Infinite wisdom and love from my parents.

I can’t have what I want because….

It will be too good for me. I won’t have anything to dream about. I will make a mess of it. I will get stuck in it and won’t be able to pursue something even better.

There is something wrong with me. I am an exception. (Others can have what they want, I can’t.) God doesn’t want me to have what I want.  God will take it away from me again. ** Life doesn’t want me to have what I want. Life will take it away from me again. **

I can’t have what I want and that means….

I will suffer. I will be alone, isolated. I will be stuck in a situation that feels wrong.

It won’t happen. (What I want, what feels right, what seems possible.)

It’s worse for me. My suffering is worse.

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Session with Barry: I can’t have what I want

I can’t have what I want.

If I try changing it, it will get worse.

It can’t change.

I have been in bed for a week with the flu, and some deep layers of hopelessness and despair surfaced. Behind this are the beliefs above.

I can’t have what I want.

I see that belief in my parents, especially playing itself out in their relationship. And I see it in my own life, and how I have lived it in my own life – missing out of the relationship opportunities I wanted the most, leaving the Zen center, and more, repeatedly losing or missing out of what I want the most, what feels the most right, what felt the most “on track” and aligned with my heart.

As Barry said, this layer in me feels thick and sticky, as a trance, and it’s good to notice the tendency in me to go back into it, because it’s familiar. It’s an identity, it feels like who I am, how it is, how my life is.

Is it true? Is it absolutely true? 

How do I live my life with that belief?

How would my life be without it?

And ask for help, pray, ask for God to shine light on it, for it to transmute completely.

I also notice fear around this, a deep fear. It won’t change. It’s hopeless. I’ll be stuck in it forever.

And I invite the divine to shine it’s light on that too, for that too to transmute and resurrect.

Recognizing what’s here as what I seek

How is it to recognize what’s here – no matter what it is – as the divine? As presence, love, awakeness? As complete? As what I seek?

What I am most afraid would happen if I recognized what’s here, no matter what thoughts may label it, as the divine? As what I seek?

I couldn’t pretend that what I am looking for isn’t here.

I wouldn’t be able to blame life or others for not having what I want.

I would be – in a sense – alone.

I wouldn’t be able to imagine something better, finding what I want, out there – in the world, in the future, in the past.

I couldn’t be a victim. I couldn’t play the victim for myself, for others.

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What I am most afraid would happen if I am sincere is…..

I listened to the audio from the first session of the The Way of Liberation webcourse with Adyashanti, and he talks about our fears of living from sincerity.

I notice there are certain situations and areas of life where it’s more challenging for me to live from sincerity – to hear what’s true for me, to live from it, to be real, to live with integrity, to hear and live from my inner guidance, the quiet voice of the heart.

It’s good to look at what my fears are in each of these situations, to stay with what I find, let it inform me, and find and feel and take it what’s more true for me.

What am I afraid would happen if I am sincere? What’s the worst that can happen?


Trusting life and love

What I wish for is very complex when projected out there in the world, and it becomes increasingly simple as I trace it back to its essence.

Somewhere along the way to the most basic, I find trusting life and love. And I notice some fears surfacing when I consider trusting life and love in all situations and areas of life.

Trusting life, for me, comes up in three areas: (a) Trusting what is, as it is. (b) Trusting living from my integrity. (c) Trusting living from inner guidance, the voice of my heart.

If I trust life (what is, integrity, inner guidance) what I am most afraid would happen is…..

(a) Trusting what is, as it is.

I will be passive. I won’t take care of myself.

I won’t be a victim. They won’t feel sympathy for me. They won’t understand how difficult it is.

(b) Trusting integrity.

I won’t be able to manipulate others. I won’t know what will happen. It will be too simple. My personality won’t get what it wants.

(c) Trusting inner guidance, voice of the heart.

I don’t know where it will lead. I won’t have control. My personality won’t get what it wants. He will be upset with me.

And from Shona:

If I trust life and love, I will be let down.

I will lose choice/free will.

Trusting God’s will, and finding fears it brings up in me

If what is is God, and God’s will, and God is love, do I trust it?

When I consider this – that what’s here, what happened, what may happen, is not only God itself, but also God’s love and God’s will – what fears does it bring up?

How is it to welcome these fearful images and thoughts, notice they are here to protect me, notice they come from love? How is it to inquire into each of these and find what’s more true for me? What do I find?

Here is some that come up for me:

If I see and feel what’s here (what happened, what may happen) as God’s will/love, what I am most afraid would happen is…..

I wouldn’t take care of myself. I wouldn’t protect myself. Others will see me as an idiot. I will leave humanity behind. (In terms of my view, way of relating to life.) I will be isolated.

I will make myself vulnerable. I will open myself up for bad things happening to me. I will invite in bad things happening to me. I will tell God it’s OK for bad things happening to me. Something bad may happen to me. Something bad can happen to me. It’s possible for something bad to happen to me.

It’s too foreign to me. I won’t be able to complain. I won’t be able to blame others. I will have to take responsibility. I will have to live in integrity. I won’t have a way out. I won’t be up to it. I am not ready for it.

He (she, it) doesn’t love me

When I trace back beliefs, I often arrive at a quite basic underlying belief:

He doesn’t love me.

She doesn’t love me.

My body, the weather, life, God doesn’t love me.

My room (where I am staying) is cold. –> They should provide heat. –> They don’t care about me. –> They don’t love me.

Noticing their love for me (whether they know it or not), it takes the edge of whatever is going on for me. They may notice they love me or not, they may do something about the lack of heating or not, and I may do something about it. And all that is OK, when I notice their love for me, and my love for them.

I also notice something else related to this.

When I meet parts of me with rejection – whether they are emotions, fearful images and thoughts, or physical pain – these parts, given a voice, tell me they feel rejected, isolated, lost, unloved, and not at home. And I feel that way, since these are part of me.

When I notice this, and instead welcome these, thank them for protecting me, thank they for their love for me, then these feel welcomed, understood (to some extent), recognized for what they are (protection, innocence, devoted to me, loving me), and loved, to the extent they are. And I feel that way, since these are part of me.

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Loss of heaven

As a child, I had memories of how it was before this incarnation – all as a golden divine presence with infinite love and wisdom, a sense of being deeply at home. Later on, I remembered – or at least had images of – a group (of 12 or so?) beings/presences, a knowing that it was time for me to incarnate again, and that the first half of my life would for mainly for my benefit (growing, maturing), and the second mainly for others (service, guidance). And at some level, although knowing it was the right time and for the good, I resisted. I pretended to resist.

There are other images, including of a profound sense of loss when I incarnated, and of deep disappointment in my mother, my father, life, the world and God.

How could they do this to me? Why can’t my parents live up to or match the infinite love and wisdom from before incarnation, or at least show they know? I’ll show God he (she, it) made a mistake by having me incarnate. I’ll show my parents my pain and disappointment they couldn’t match what I had. I lost something of infinite value to me. I am unfairly treated. I am a victim.

And I notice that loss is a theme in my life. The pain of losing what I tell myself is most important to me, whether it’s people, places, situations or opportunities, and the expectation of future and continued loss and pain.

This all happens within my own images now, of course.

Inquiring into this, I have found that I did agree and want the incarnation, and that what I remember from before incarnation is something I can find here now. (It’s happening here, it’s reflected in a thought, another thought says it happened in the past, and noticing that I can find it here again.) And I notice there is something still left around loss, something left to feel and see, and find as love and find love for.

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They don’t love me, life doesn’t love me

I felt a bit off this afternoon (lack of water and nourishment), went into a cafe, and was served cold food (they said they couldn’t heat it) and tea that was too hot to drink, and noticed I started complaining about it in my mind. It seems that behind it all is a simple thought:

They don’t love me. If they loved me they would serve me warm food, and a tea at just the right drinkable temperature.

I notice a similar thought underlying my complaints about life.

Life doesn’t love me. If life loved me, my body would be healthy, the weather would be nice, my life would be easy.

It’s helpful to notice, and look at it in a quiet, simple and felt way.

What I am most afraid would happen if I don’t pretend I am OK

What I am most afraid would happen if I don’t pretend I am OK is…..

They will see me as weak, vulnerable. They will pity me. They will shun me.

They will talk about me behind my back. They will judge me. They will see me as different.

They will see me as flawed, a failure.

I will be alone, isolated, suffer, be lost, die.

I will fall apart. My life will fall apart.

The sadness, grief, fear will be endless. The sense of being lost, unloved will be bottomless.

I will have to feel what’s here.

It will be too painful.

I don’t know where it takes me.

It will be too much.

It will hurt too much.

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They are noisy, they don’t love me

I talked with a (new) friend of mine today, and he has a pet peeve of people eating noisily at the cinema. I know that one for myself.

Off and on, I have done inquiry on noisy people. In the beginning, I did inquiry on the obvious (to me) thoughts:

They are inconsiderate. He is crude. She is oblivious.

Something shifted, and yet I noticed that something was left as well. I stayed with it for a while, and very quietly a deeper belief surfaced:

They don’t love me.

It had been hidden from view earlier, because it didn’t seem rational. And yet, it was there, held as an innocent belief, and it revealed itself when I became very still.

Noisy people don’t love me. They are noisy, and that means they don’t love me.

Just by finding that thought, there was a deeper resolution. There is still, at times, some stress around noise (although with little emotional energy attached to it), and that shows me there is something left, there is more to see there.

How sincere am I?

I may live mostly from sincerity, but there are some situations and areas of life where I hold back. One of the ways I hold back is to sometimes not admit to myself what I know that I don’t want to know. Another is when I shy away from finding a clear intention to feel, take in, and live from what’s true for me, especially when it runs against remaining fears and beliefs. Another is not consistently recognize what’s here as already allowed, as awareness, as love. So how do I stop myself? What I fear the most of living from complete sincerity is….

It won’t be worth it.

People will see me as a fool.

I will have to make uncomfortable changes in my life.

I won’t be up to it. I won’t be able to do it.

I will go half way and stop (and it will leave me in a difficult situation).

I won’t know where it takes me.

I will have to give up my life (my plans, wishes, desires, hopes).

I will have to give up the ways I (subtly) manipulate others to get what I want.

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Unlovable self, unloved self, the self that missed out, the self that’s not love

These three of my deficient selves are closely connected: The unlovable self, the unloved self, the self that missed out, and the self that’s not love.

Here are some images and thoughts for each of them:

The unlovable self

I am unlovable.

Situation (i): Alone in a crib in a dark room as a baby. My mother doesn’t love me because I am unlovable. (Underlying thoughts: I am alone in a crib in a dark room, and that means that my mother doesn’t love me. There is something wrong with me.)

Situation (ii): Whenever life doesn’t go “my way”. God doesn’t love me because I am unlovable. (Underlying thoughts: Life didn’t go my way. Life didn’t go my way because God doesn’t love me. God doesn’t love me because I am unlovable. There is something wrong with me.)

The unloved self

My mother doesn’t love me. (Alone in a crib in a dark room.)

My father doesn’t love me. (When he got very angry at me at a summer vacation.)

God doesn’t love me. (Any time life doesn’t go “my way”.)

He doesn’t love me. (Class mate who gave me dirty look when I answered the teacher’s question in elementary school.)

She doesn’t love me. (Friend from my early twenties who broke connection when she got a boyfriend.)

The self that missed out

My life would have been better if I had been in a relationship with [E, B]. (From early twenties.)

My life would have been better if I had married M. (More fulfilled, richer, fuller, more love, more joy, more support, more alive.)

I missed out. (Of a fuller, richer, more joyful, more supported life.)

The self that’s not love

I am not love. Love is different. Love is not what I am. Love comes and goes.

Deficient selves

I am exploring Scott Kiloby’s Unfindable Inquiry, and as part of that identify deficient selves, perceptions of myself as deficient in different ways – surfacing in different situations. Here are some of them:

Lost, adrift, fuzzy, not well, unsafe, unloved, hopeless, helpless, victim, paralyzed, numb, insecure attachment – selves.

The left behind, alone self.

The unsafe self. The insecure self.

The unlovable self. The unloved self. The self that missed out. The self that’s not love.

The one who is not getting what he wants. The one born against his will. The one mistreated by life.

The alone self. The isolated self. The lost self.

The suffering self. The victim self. The hurt self.

Fatalistic self. Powerless self. Victim of circumstances/others/life self. The leaf in a storm self.

The overwhelmed self. The panicked self. The self that wants to check out. The self that wants to be saved by someone else. The self that wants to die.

The sensitive self. The psychic sponge self. The self that’s influenced by others.

The restless self. The needy self. The self that sees what’s not here as better.

The vengeful self. The self that wants others to suffer. The self that wants me to suffer.

The resistant self. The procrastinating self. The negative self. The complaining self.

The spiritual self. The self-improving self. The self trying to do it’s best. The good self. The bad self.

The self that’s afraid of being an adult. The self that’s not measuring up. The self that’s not up to the task.

The self that’s holding back. The paralyzed self. The numb self. The shocked self.

The self that wants others to envy me. The self that wants to be better than others. The self that wants to be admired.

The self that cannot trust life. The self that doesn’t trust God. The self that doesn’t trust others.

The martyr self. The self giving up what feels deeply right.

The drama queen self. The self delighting in drama.

For each of these, I can explore it from a particular situation triggering it, and using a set of very simple questions:

Images & thoughts

Can you find images and thoughts associated with the deficient self? What images and thoughts are there?

Can you see these as images and thoughts?

Are these images and thoughts who you are? Are they who you really are, fundamentally? As that which doesn’t come and go?

And then the same set of questions for emotions, and sensations.

When these deficient selves operate unconsciously or partly consciously, they may seem quite real and substantial, and mind is identified with them. As they are looked into more closely, and what’s really there is more clear, there isn’t so much to identify with anymore. The mind is unable to identify with it in the way it used to.


Unloved by myself, others, women, God/life. Unlovable by myself, others, women, mother/father, God/life.


Anything can be used as an escape

I keep seeing how I use sometimes use whatever is closest at hand in an attempt to avoid feeling certain emotions, or being reminded of certain images or thoughts:

(a) Friends, going for walks, food, internet, movies, podcasts, news, listening to spiritual interviews/talks.

(b) Day dreams, going into stressful images and thoughts.

(c) Inquiry, certain forms of meditation, any technique used with the aim of changing content of experience.

It’s all innocent. It’s all from love. It’s all from an attempt to be kind to myself. It’s from worried love.

And it’s all from an innocent mistake. It all comes from holding certain images and thoughts as if they were true.

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Dream: Couple moving on

I am hosting a couple travelling through. They are here for a few days, and I notice I like them, admire them, and would like to stay in touch. As they leave, they let me know they don’t want connection with me later on.

This reflects some situations in my waking life, and brings up some thoughts/beliefs in me to look at:

They don’t love me. They don’t like me.

I need their love. I need them to like me.

It’s better if the want to stay in contact.

They don’t want contact, and that means….

They don’t love me. They don’t like me. They see me as weird. They are uncomfortable around me. I make them uncomfortable.

They don’t love me, and that means….

I am unlovable. I will be alone. I will suffer. I am a failure. I will die. I will die alone.

My life is worthless. I am worthless.

Statements for inquiry: My mother is not helping me be comfortable

Situation: Feeling uncomfortable in elementary school.

1. I am saddened by my mother because she is not helping me be comfortable at school.

2. I want my mother to support me, to make me comfortable, to show me how to be comfortable.

3. My mother should show me how to be comfortable and relaxed, to find my wholeness, to be at peace with herself and the world, to be confident.

4. I need my mother to befriend her fear, to befriend her wounds, to befriend herself and the world. I need her to resolve this for me, to help me find my own peace and comfort, to demonstrate for me how I can be deeply comfortable in myself.

5. I don’t want to ever experience my mother not being able to help me be comfortable again.

What’s the worst that can happen if my future is not a disaster?

What’s the worst that can happen if my future is not a disaster / is everything I have always wanted to give myself?

I wouldn’t be able to blame others, life.

I would have to be more honest with myself. I would have to take responsibility for what I am not happy about.

I may see that even with all that, I would still be dissatisfied.

What would it take to be completely satisfied?

Find peace with life, God, what is.

Find love for what is, for what’s here. (Finding/aligning with God’s love for what is.)

Is blaming, not taking responsibility working for you?


What if you couldn’t be a victim ever again?

 I would be free.

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Aspects of the dark night, and beliefs

I imagine several aspects of the dark night of the soul, from my own experience and what I have read and heard from others. And each of these may trigger some quite basic and universal beliefs.

Thoughts may say…..

It’s a dark night of the soul. It’s necessary for my path. There is something for me to learn. It will stay until I get it.

It will deepen until I get it. My life will continue to fall apart until I get it.

It’s a dark night of the soul….

God removed him/her/itself from me. I lost connection with God. I did something wrong. I lost my path.

I lost my passion. I lost my clarity. I lost my direction. I did something wrong.

My life is misspent. I made the wrong choice. I missed out of opportunities.

My mind doesn’t work. My mind doesn’t work as before. My mind is not clear. My mind is not functioning well.

My health is not good. I lost my health. I did something wrong.

My friends left me. They didn’t like me anymore. I changed too much. I changed for the worse.

It’s shadow material. I need to process what’s surfacing. I need to find clarity on what’s surfacing.

I am messed up. Others are less messed up than me. It’s endless.

It’s too much. I can’t take it. It’s overwhelming. I am not up to the task. Life chose the wrong person for this path.

It’s easier to escape than meet these emotions. It’s easier to escape than investigate these thoughts. Something terrible will happen if I meet these emotions / investigate these thoughts.

Another experience is better / easier. Another (his/her) life is better / easier.

I need to be rescued. I need someone to rescue me. I need God to rescue me.

It’s taking too long. I don’t get it. I am slow. Others get it faster / better than me. Others are up to the task, I am not.

Thoughts about other’s clarity

When I work as a client in a spiritual or therapeutic setting, or am a student in a class or workshop, I sometimes notice a thought saying it makes a difference how clear the facilitator or instructor is. And this clarity is not on the topic itself, although that’s of course important. It’s clarity on the nature of existence, our nature, and how thoroughly thoughts have been investigated.

Talking with Adyashanti, there is a sense of clarity and depth I have rarely encountered, and it invites a deep sense of recognition and trust in me. There is a similar experience when I talk with Barry. And with Byron Katie, there is obviously a sense of deep familiarity with the dynamics of beliefs in general, with a wide range of thoughts in specific, and what’s on the other side. During my session with Pamela Wilson, there is also a sense of a deep love, understanding, and appreciation for all the different ways reality manifests, including as worried love.

It’s not always that way, and when it’s not, some thoughts come up:

About Vigid G., a spiritual teacher in Norway: I am not safe with her. She is judgmental. She is using heavy artillery when a feather would be sufficient. She is making assumptions about my background. Her approach is provincial.

About B.A., my main TRE teacher in Norway: She takes my stories as real. She solidifies my stories. She clings to diagnosis for safety. She is misguided in her approach (taking stories as true and real). She is not qualified.

About the (previous) head Breema teacher: His strategy belongs to another culture and time. He is patriarchal / patronizing in his approach. He is familiar with the soul level, and not what’s next.

About a recent shamanic session: Her approach is misguided. She sees some things as bad / best gotten rid of. She doesn’t / should approach what’s here with deep love, understanding and appreciation.

In general: I need to work with a clear facilitator/instructor. The confusion of my facilitator/instructor may taint me. If my f/i is not clear (as clear as Adya, BK, Berry, Pamela), I am not safe. It’s possible for me to not be safe (as client/student).

Statements for inquiry: I’m doing it wrong etc.

I’m doing it wrong. I need you to love me. Something’s very wrong with me. I should fix this. I’m broken. Other people have it right. My life has no purpose. I need to be good at it. No one cares about me. I can’t measure up. My heart is broken. I’m missing out. I hurt so much. I deserve to be punished. I need to be more confidant. I mustn’t be too full of myself. I squandered my opportunities. I’m a fraud. I need to work harder. I want chocolate. I want sex. I need a drink. I need to stop hurting. I have failed my children. My life is a mess. My life is inadequate. There’s no hope for me. There’s too much to do. If I had a partner I’d be happy. If I had more money I’d be happy. If I was thinner I’d be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy.

Statements for inquiry from Judy C. on Facebook. For each of these, I can find a specific situation where I had that thought, write a JYN on someone else, and see what I find when I take it to inquiry.


You are falling apart

I wake up, continue to lie in bed, and hear  a voice say you are falling apart. It’s a female voice with some intensity to it, not one I recognize, and it’s quite clear and sharp, as if stating a fact. It has a calm certainty to it as well, as I recognize from a few dreams and visions in my past that mirrored future events.

The experience is a bit startling, as the voice is quite different from the “internal voices” I am familiar with. The first that came up for me was fearful images of falling apart. Now, I see it may be a good thing, if the “I” and “me” the mind is identified with falls apart. And it’s probably already happening, even if parts of the mind – in it’s innocent confusion and it’s worried love – is trying to hold it all together.

What do I fear the most about falling apart?

I won’t function. I won’t be able to do what I had planned. I won’t be able to finish the projects I have started.

I will go insane. My mind will lose it’s bearings. My mind will go insane.

Others will judge me. People will see me as weak, strange. They will reject me.

I will be alone. I will suffer. I won’t understand what’s happening.

I will continue to resist, and it (the process, life) will break me down.