Tag: steward

If I can’t find love for something, what is it I actually can’t find love for?

moe Leave a comment

When I can’t find love for someone or something, is that the whole story?

If I take a closer look, what do I find? What is it I am actually unable to find love for?

There are several answers here, and they are all sides of the same.

The conventional view

On the surface, it can seem that we can’t find love for a person, situation, place, or something else. We perceive and live as if that’s how it is, and it will seem that way to others as well.

What’s actually happening

When I look a little closer, I find something else.

The world is my mirror. The way I relate to a quality or characteristic in the wider world is the way I relate to the same in myself. If I can’t find love for something in the wider world, I can’t find love for it in myself.

When I relate to something in the world, I am actually relating to my mental images and stories about it. I tell myself that someone or something is a particular way, that it doesn’t deserve my love, so I block my love and am unable to find the love that’s already here for it.

When I find myself as capacity for the world, and all my experiences – of anything at all – happening within and as what I am, I find something else. I find that what I am unable to find love for, whatever it is in a more conventional sense, is what I am. I am unable to find love for something happening within and as what I am. I am unable to find love for what I am, and an expression of what I am.

I can also say that I am life unable to find love for myself in that particular form. I am existence unable to find love for myself in a form I take as “other”.

We can also call this the divine or Spirit. What I am unable to find love for is an expression of Spirit or the divine, and Spirit or the divine itself. I am Spirit unable to find love for itself, in a particular form. I am the divine unable to find love for itself.

Seeing this helps me be curious about my lack of love, identify what in me clouds over the love that’s already here and I am, and perhaps open for this love that I am.

In real life

One side of this is finding myself as love and finding love for whatever.

The other side is how I live my life and how I practically relate to what I find love for in the world.

I don’t have to marry everything or everyone I find love for. I can have clear boundaries. I can take action to prevent someone from harming someone else. And so on. I can do all the conventional things to be a good steward of my life and, when necessary, protect and prevent harm.

And if I don’t, that’s another invitation for me to find what in myself – beliefs, identifications, hangups – is stopping me.

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Giving it over, guidance, asking

moe Leave a comment

During the initial awakening phase – the first ten years or so – it was easy, and in a sense inevitable, to…..

(a) Give it all over to the divine, to God, Christ: my whole life, any hangups, confusion, fears, identifications, and the present, past, future. This is really just setting an intention to shift the center of gravity from identification to that which is already not identified, from being caught in a very human confusion to shift into presence, love, awakeness.

(b) Follow my inner guidance, the quiet inner voice. This was strong, and I typically followed it in small and larger things.

(c) Trust in life, in Spirit, that what happens – however thoughts may label it – is the very best that possibly could happen.

(d) Being a good steward of my life. I studied  and worked very conscientiously, made a plan for my life, lived (mostly) in integrity, and so on.

Then, during the dark night of the soul, these went away. It all fell away and apart.

Now, there is an invitation to find back to it again, perhaps in a slightly different context. Less as a superman and more as an ordinary human being.

There may be another difference. Then, I said a very sincere “dangerous” prayer: Let me awaken fully, and live it fully in this life, no matter what it will cost.  And now, I wish for a more gentle and kind process, coming from a very ordinary kindness towards myself and those around me. And I also give that wish over to the divine.

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