I have had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome since my teens, and continue to explore it in different ways.
For instance, what’s the wisdom in the fatigue? What does it want to show and tell me? Where does it guide me?
FOLLOWING FATIGUE
I notice and follow the fatigue. I sink into the earth and become the earth. It’s the most profound relaxation.
I become what’s here – earth, sensations, this human self, this room, the sounds, the sun, the wind. I find myself as it all. It’s the most profound relaxation. There is nowhere to go. Nothing to be, apart from what’s already here. No identity to remember.
Something in me is quietly profoundly joyful. It’s home. It’s profoundly home.
I rest in and as what’s here, my world as it is.
FOLLOWING SADNESS
I now notice sadness. It’s the sadness of parts of me from living with CFS and it’s also much older.
I follow the sadness.
Tears come to my eyes.
A heaviness.
It sinks down to my belly, a fullness in the belly.
Just being here.
An invitation to really explore what’s here, get to know what’s here.
Why is this part of me sad? Why is this little boy in me sad? What does he want? What does he need?
I am here with him. I am here for him.
I notice the sadness is a part of me. It’s one of very many parts. There is an infinite richness here.
It’s an object. It’s an object that comes and goes within what I am.
A scream is coming up. Whueeaaaaaaa. It feels good to express, to allow it life in the world.
The sadness wants to be lived. It wants life too. It wants to join me in this life.
It doesn’t want me to be sad. It wants to join me in this life in the world. It wants to be part of it, one of very many parts. It wants to be a phenomenon among many phenomena happening within and as what I am.
FOLLOWING BRAIN FOG
I notice the wooly feeling in the space in and around my head.
I notice some sensations in and around my forehead and the label “brain fog”.
I want to make a bzzzzzz sound and make it. I wave my hands and fingers in the air (Jazz hands) and shake my head with small movements as I make the bzzzzz sound.
I sink back. My mouth opens. My head swings around. I become bobo, someone without brain.
A bird sings. I become the sound of the bird. It’s beautiful.
I become the crowing of the crow.
I become the rustling of the wind in the plants.
Without a brain, I become what’s here.
I become the voice of a main saying something loudly.
I become wonderful Simba resting on the floor looking outside.
It’s fun. It’s alive.
No brain free of brain fog is needed for this.
The bird song, the sounds of the wind, Simba resting on the floor, it’s all here. It appears. It appears within and as this clarity that’s here with or without brain fog.
I notice the clarity inherent in the sense of brain fog. The awakeness inherent in all takes that from too.
I notice images of me having fun with the brain fog with others. It becomes something amusing to mention. Something vulnerable to share. Something to connect us. Something to share in a genuine and real way. It’s an aid to become more real. To reveal what’s here, as it is.
It’s a guide to simplicity. A guide away from books and models. A guide to what’s here. A guide to simpler and more effortless noticing of what’s here. A guide to a more real and simple way of noticing and allowing what’s here, and notice it’s already noticed and allowed (by awakeness, space, life). A guide to notice I am what’s here, brain fog or not.
REFLECTIONS
The fatigue seems to invite me to find home in and as what’s here. To find a deep relaxation in and as what’s here. This makes sense since the CFS came at a time when I didn’t really have a good sense of myself and thought I needed certain identities to be accepted and didn’t feel I was able to live up to those identities. It was a kind of identity crisis, and the fatigue is inviting me to find what’s more real, simple, and already here, and to find myself as it.
The sadness can be here. It’s one of very many parts of me. It’s welcome. It’s very welcome to join this life in the world. I notice a joy in welcoming it and giving it its life as part of this far richer and larger life.
The brain fog has inherent clarity and awakeness. It’s happening as part of the clarity and awakeness that’s here and that’s inherent in this whole field of experience, in the world as it is here and now. There is a quiet joy in noticing that too.
A NOTE
This is inspired by Process Work (Process Oriented Psychology), following the processes of what’s here in me and the surroundings.
Since I have done a lot of parts work and noticing of my nature, that also comes up. That becomes part of these processes for me.
This is in honor of Arny Mindell and his wonderful work in exploring and sharing Process Work and creating a community around it.
UPDATE: This is the following morning, and there was discomfort here as I woke up. I found curiosity for it and stayed with it with receptivity and curiosity. It shifted a bit so its nature came more in the foreground, its nature of awakeness, space, and so on, just like the nature of everything in my world and what I am. I have rested in and as that this morning.
