It’s first day of school, either high school or university. I notice I feel a bit scared and disoriented, and also that I am OK with it. Genpo Roshi is there and I go to see him in his office. He has long hair. I tell him I feel scared, and that I notice I am OK with it. It’s not at all a problem to share it with others, and it’s fine that it’s here. We both realize and acknowledge how big a shift that is from when I was a teenager.
I say I need to tell him something, and that I realize I will regret if I don’t. I need to tell him how much he has meant to me. He says, “it changed your life” just as I was about to say the same. He changed my life, with Kanzeon, with his teachings and the Big Mind process, and so on. We have a heartfelt connection, and we are both recognizing the same things. We share in the recognition. It’s beautiful.
I am back in school, either high school or university. I am both a young adult and me now, later in life. The feeling is similar to the old first-day-of-school feeling, especially in a new place and with many new people. I feel scared and disoriented, and notice I am OK with it. It’s understandable and the others experience the same in their own way.
Genpo Roshi has an office in the heart of the building. He has a central role there. When I enter his office, I notice he has long blondish hair. He seems more relaxed, comfortable with himself, free of traditions. I share what’s going on with me, and that I notice I am OK with it. It’s fine. It’s understandable, and it’s also completely fine to share and be open about it.
We both recognize how big of a shift that is for me, especially from school but also from later.
I say I need to share something with him, and I know I will regret it (slightly) if I don’t. I tell him how much he has meant to me, and he interjects what I was about to say: It changed my life. Kanzeon, his formal and lived teachings, the Big Mind process, that part of my life changed my life. I am deeply grateful for it. I love it.
We have a heartfelt connection and we are both sharing a recognition of the same things. It’s beautiful.
WAKING LIFE
Two days ago, I was sorting, organizing, and packing some of my old books with my wife. I showed her a book by Genpo Roshi with his picture on it, and noticed how much he has meant to me and how deeply grateful I am. With all his humanness, I love him.
I have also reflected on friends who have died, including a good friend from Kanzeon, and that it doesn’t make any sense to take anything for granted, including people and friends. If you appreciate them, tell them. If you want to spend more time with them, do.
The connection I have with Genpo Roshi in the dream is what I love in waking life. Meeting with a teacher and having the sense of both exploring the same terrain together. Sometimes, in shared recognition. Sometimes, by pointing out something the other (me) don’t fully recognize or live.
In the background, there is also some regret that I didn’t continue my deep involvement with Kanzeon, Zen, and that lineage, as I had wanted to and felt a calling to.
I got sidetracked from that too, as I did with just about everything important to me, because I went against a clear inner guidance on a major life decision, and I continued doing so for years – out of fear. (Unloved fear, unquestioned painful beliefs.)
Of course, I explored the terrain in many other ways, by going deeply into…. The Work of Byron Katie. Headless experiments. Breema. Sense field explorations (Kiloby Inquiries). Vortex Healing. And so on.
And it’s not too late. I have a calling – an inner draw – to spend time at a Zen center in Spain, in the same lineage.
IN ME
This is all in me too.
The school building is me. The first day of school is here, always. Genpo Roshio and his office in the heart of the building is here. My gratitude is here. My regrets are here, and what they point me to.
What I can do here and now is here.
The awake space it’s all happening within and as is here.