Heartache has come up the last few days.
When I notice it as only sensations, I see that the sensations themselves are quite mild. Other sensations – in the throat and solar plexus – are stronger.
It’s the beliefs about what these sensations mean that makes it painful, and amazingly painful at times.
Here are some of these beliefs:
It’s heartache.
She doesn’t love me. I am unlovable. I will never be loved.
My life is doomed. My life is in ruins.
Something terrible has happened.
Note: In one sense, this heartache is old. It may well be from early infancy. And more accurately, it’s here now. It’s fresh.
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notes
– sensations in themselves ok, not even that strong
– the beliefs about what the sensations mean, painful
– amazing how painful, even if the sensations are mild
– some of the beliefs: label heartache, it means my life is doomed, she doesn’t love me, my life is in ruins, something terrible has happened
This experience is one of the things I journal about most in my therapy. I never intended for this to become so central to my therapy or to me. What I write contains the components above; and I then write most times about being disappointed in myself over this, too. As in “Something terrible has happened; I could have prevented it but I didn’t. A competent husband would not let this happen to a relationship. Women want rich, deep relationships. A woman is naturally inclined to remain securely attached to a man who loves her, a man she loves, too, unless he is insufficient.” The sensations I have are from the diaphram, in the throat, jaw, eyes.