I often feel weird in different ways – brain fog, energies moving, old issues surfacing, feeling like I am on drugs or psychedelics, and so on. Even normal food often makes me feel like I am on drugs, with a different effect on my mind and system from each type of food.
When that happens and I am with others, a part of me wants to push it away. It struggles with it and doesn’t want it to be there. This comes from a fear that others will see me as weird, reject me, and say and do terrible things to me. (My psyche internalized this fear from my parents, and it was reinforced through elementary and middle school.)
I become more weird if I join in with that resistance and fear. If I get caught up in the struggle, I inevitably start to act more weird. I become reclusive. I don’t say much. I want to hide. I become self-conscious.
When I notice and allow it all, and find some compassion for the part of me that feels scared, it’s easier to find space to relate to it with more intention. I can relate to the weirdness and the part of me struggling with it in a more conscious way.
I have explored these dynamics since my teens, and it always feels new and fresh. Even today, I had an opportunity to notice. I felt weird this morning. A part of me was scared that my wife would reject me. I partly joined in with the resistance to and fear of the weirdness, without consciously noticing. She asked me, I noticed what was happening, and was able to shift more into noticing and allowing it all. I found a more conscious way of noticing and relating to it all. Instead of creating division between us, it led to more understanding, connection, and intimacy. More to the point, the same happens in how I relate to myself – to the different parts of me and my experience.
A FEW MORE WORDS
There is always more to say about these things.
For instance, I have many different parts of my psyche that relate to this weirdness in different ways.
The one that resists out of fear is a relatively prominent and familiar one for me, and it was – as mentioned above – created in my childhood.
I can join in with it and take on its beliefs, perspective, and orientation. I can, in a sense, become it for a while.
And when I notice what’s happening and shift into allowing it, there is a shift in identification. Identification shifts out of this part of me and either into another part (allowing) or into what I more fundamentally am, which is what it all happens within and as.
I remember Adyashanti talking about how his mother used to tell him: Weird is wonderful. That’s a good pointer for me. I can be a good parent to myself and remind myself of that. Weird is wonderful.
It’s worth questioning my ideas about weirdness. Do parts of me see it as bad or wrong? Does the label really fit? What do I find when I identify and examine thoughts about it that parts of me hold as true?
I’ll do a quick inquiry now and make some notes here:
Statement: I feel weird.
Situation: This morning talking with my wife in the kitchen.
Is it true? Yes.
Can I know for certain if it’s true? No. It’s an idea, not reality itself.
What happens when I hold that thought as true? I feel weird. I become self-conscious. I become scared of what she may think and do. I feel scared she will reject me. I want it to go away. I feel contracted. My world becomes small. My world revolves around weirdness, not wanting to feel weird, and fears of how she – and others – may react. I have images from childhood of other kids rejecting me because I was weird. (Had weird interests.)
Who would I be, in that same situation, without the thought? I am curious about what I am feeling, interested in it. It’s much easier to notice and allow it all. It’s more of an interesting journey. I can talk about it more freely. I feel more likely myself, even with all this happening. There is space.
TA1: I don’t feel weird. How is that as or more true? (a) What I am feeling is normal to me. I often feel something like this. It’s not weird to me and in my world. It’s something I am used to. A part of me is comfortable with it and knows how to live with it. (b) It’s not really “weird”. It’s more a sense of being on drugs, of reality shifting and changing. (c) Weird is a label. I do not feel the label. I am feeling what my mind creates the label to describe.
TA2: I feel normal. (a) Yes, it’s normal for me and in my world. Why make a big thing out of it in my mind if it’s normal to me? (b) Many people feel like this, off and on. This happened after the VH group healing this morning, and many in the group describe feeling weird in different ways. (c) It’s not uncommon for those on an awakening path, or for those who have a very sensitive system. I have heard it from others. (d) It’s not uncommon for those on a shamanic path, or for those using drugs or psychedelics. In a sense, I join in with them without being a shaman and without using any drugs.
TA3: Weird feels me. I am not sure if this is a useful turnaround but I’ll explore it. (a) The part of my experience I label “weird” feels me, it feels how I relate to it. If I was that part of me, I would wish to be treated with kindness and respect and be allowed to be as I am.
She will reject me. (Same situation.)
Is it true? Yes, it feels true.
Can I know for certain if it’s true? No, she hasn’t done it yet.
What happens when I have that thought? I feel scared. I become self-conscious. I monitor how I feel and what I say and do. I become tight. My world closes in. My mind and body become tense. I want to leave so I won’t say or do anything weird.
Who would I be without that thought? I am much more comfortable. I am curious about what I am experiencing. I feel connected with her. I feel free to share with her what I notice. I feel free to talk about and do what I normally would talk about and do. The “weirdness” can be here and I can live my life as I normally do.
TA1: She will not reject me. (a) She hasn’t so far. (b) If I am sincere and honest about what’s going on with me, she won’t reject me.
TA2: She will embrace me. (a) She did when I told her what was going on and my fears.
TA3: I will reject me. (a) Yes, when I believe that thought, I reject my own experience. (b) I remove myself from the situation, I reject the possibility of living my normal daily life.
TA4: I will reject her. (a) Yes, when I am afraid she will reject me, I reject her. I create distance. I become defensive.
- When feel weird, which is often
- Try to push away/change bc of fear, others will see me as weird, reject me
- But become more weird when join in with the fear/resistance
- When allow it all, including the fear and impulse to resist, much easier for me and others
- I can be more “normal” even when I feel weird, can relate to it more intentionally, more consciously