Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 46

This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.

THE NOW THAT’S ALWAYS HERE

It’s difficult to talk about our nature, and also the present or now.

It’s not because it’s more mysterious than anything else, or distant or something we are unfamiliar with.

It’s because words are designed to make distinctions, and this is what all distinctions happen within and as. It’s because most of us, including me, are not used to talking about it. And it’s also because it’s so familiar to us it may be difficult to recognize. It’s all we have ever known.

So how to talk about now?

It’s easy to say what it’s not. It’s not my mental images and representations about the past or future.

It’s what these mental representations happen within and as. It’s what anything I have ever experienced happen within and as.

The now that’s here is the now that’s always been here.

We can say that it’s always changing, which is not wrong. And yet, I only know about that change by comparing mental images of what’s here now (or just passed), and what was a few moments ago, and perhaps even what may happen in the immediate future.

That’s where it gets a little difficult to talk about.

Maybe it’s easier to say that…

The whole field of experience happens within and as what I am. That includes any mental representations of past, future, and present. It also includes any mental representations of change, and of an always changing now, that comes about by comparing mental representations of what’s here, what just was, and what may very soon be.

Or…. I am space for what’s here, which includes my ideas of past, future, and present. And what’s here is always changing. It’s never the same. It’s always new, fresh, and different.

It’s very simple. It’s what I already am most familiar with. And yet, I find it difficult to put into words. For the words to be more accurate, they also tend to get convoluted, at least when I try to do it.

THE TWO SIDES OF AN UNEXPECTED ONENESS SHIFT

When I was fifteen, there was a shift where the whole world – thoughts, feelings, sensations, others, the wider world – seemed very distant and far away. One year later, there was a shift into oneness where all – without exception – was revealed as God.

This human self was an atheist at the time, although with some curiosity about ESP and similar things. I lived in a small town in Norway, and it was the ’80s before the web, so I knew nothing about anything related to this. I knew nobody interested in it. There was no internet to go on to find info. I couldn’t even find any books since the local library didn’t have anything about it, and I didn’t even know what search terms to use.

So on the one hand, it was a profound sense of coming home. It was a homecoming to something completely unexpected (to this human self) and profoundly familiar (to my nature). It was clear, it was obvious. Everything is God, without exception. And that includes this human self and any sense of being this human self. It was all what God has formed itself into. In this, there is no room for problems.

At the same time, at my human level, there were a lot of problems. I had a mysterious disease. (Which later was identified as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.) I had a huge amount of anxiety and hangups due to family and school dynamics. Huge amounts of energy was running through my system 24/7 for years, it felt like high voltage being sent through ordinary housing wires. I had nobody to talk about these things with at all.

It wasn’t until a few years later that I found a book by Meister Eckhart in the main library in Oslo, where I saw glimmers of someone who had recognized the same, filtered by another time and culture and said by someone who obviously wanted to be careful about how he expressed it. (1) I also met a couple of people who immediately recognized it in me from themselves, and where I recognized it in them from myself. That happened when I was nineteen and twenty and was a big relief for this human self.

(1) I also read a lot about systems view, mainly by Fritjof Capra, that hinted at it but didn’t seem to come from a direct noticing. And I also read a lot of books by C.G. Jung which also hinted at it, but again were not written from a direct noticing.

Image by me and Midjourney.

Click “Read More” for more of these shorter articles.

NOVEMBER 3, 2023

THE DARK NIGHT AND ONE DAY IN THE DARK NIGHT

I have been in a dark kind of dark night for about fifteen years now, and a milder one for about ten years before then.

The dark version started when I got severely sick with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) about fifteen years ago.

This led to a series of events:

I missed out on my dream job. (As a regional coordinator for the Northwest Earth Institute which I had volunteered with for fifteen years.)

Divorce (which needed to happen).

Loss of literally everything I owned apart from clothes in a suitcase. (I went back to Norway to live with my parents for a while and was severely sick in bed. My wife went to a judge in Oregon where we had shared a house and property together, told him that she didn’t know where I was and was unreachable – both of this was a lie – and managed to get all the money, several hundred thousand dollars, from the sale of the house. She also threw out all my belongings including a collection of several thousand books on mysticism, spirituality, spiritual traditions, depth psychology, systems and integral views, and so on.)

I found myself severely sick, without money, without belongings, and at my parent’s house.

I lost my community in Oregon.

In a strange moment of hubris, I asked the divine to “show me what’s left” which led to an enormous amount of old trauma surfacing. (To the extent I almost couldn’t sleep or function for nine months, and I am still traumatized by the overwhelming and apparently unbearable amount of trauma that surfaced.)

At one point, I started a relationship that seemed profoundly right, which fell apart after a few months. (Likely because of the turmoil I was going through.)

I hoped to do a PhD in clinical psychology at California Institute for Integral Studies (CIIS), which was my deepest dream, and the Norwegian government would pay for it. I applied, and then the program lost its AAP accreditation so I wouldn’t receive any money from the Norwegian government to cover tuition and living cost. I had to drop it, and applied to another private university in the Bay Area that had AAP accreditation and looked like a decent second option. I traveled halfway around the world to talk with them, it seemed that I had a very good chance of being accepted, applied, and didn’t hear anything from them. Later, it turned out the University in Oslo had made a mistake and sent the wrong transcript to them, so the university in the Bay area hadn’t even processed my application since it wasn’t complete, and they didn’t tell me. I applied again the next year, and then the Norwegian government changed their policy so they didn’t support PhDs at private universities anymore.

I lost my residency in the US since I had to be in Norway for a while to deal with things there, and had no way to get back to the US. This, again, crushed my dream of living in New Mexico and the four corners area which I deeply love. I feel like a whole other person there – far more alive and myself.

I lived in the US for almost twenty years, and wanted to become a citizen but Norway was one of the very few countries in the world not allowing double citizenship. They allowed it exactly at the time where I found myself in this impossible situation where I eventually lost my residency. Just as I could have received my citizenship, I lost my residency.

These are just a few examples. There was a lot more going on. Over and over, I seemed to start on what felt profoundly right and was a deep dream coming through, and it fell apart.

This is continuing.

Here are a few highlights of what’s going on right now:

I got sick with quite severe symptoms, and am bedridden. A few meters from where I am staying (5-10 meters), several very noisy construction machines going on from early morning to night, making it impossible to rest. The owners of the house we are renting wanted to have it cleaned, so I had to leave my bed and room even if I was almost unable to walk. When I returned, it turned out they had used chemicals to clean the room and wash the sheets, and I have strong chemical sensitivity so it’s impossible for me to be there. Also, we are renting this house for two weeks, I had planned to spend this time to work on several online projects that require good internet connection, and the internet here was taken out by a lightning strike as soon as we arrived. It has still not been repaired. I only have a poor and intermittent data connection through my cell phone, with limited data.

I am in the Andes mountains and am lending my car in Norway to a friend there. He took it to a random mechanic instead of the one I have used (which is very reliable). When the car came back, it had a severe problem with the steering. Another mechanic said it would cost $6000 to repair, and verbally said the previous mechanic must have done it while it was in their shop. They were not willing to put it in writing, so we have no way to get the first mechanic to repair it or pay for the repair. The first mechanic does not respond to phone calls or emails, and the boss is never in when my friend goes there to talk with them. I don’t have the money to repair it, and we need the car if we are going to be in Norway in the future. (We only have the small cabin to live in there after the house is hopefully sold, and it can only be accessed by car.) (In general, it’s very common for me to have my most valuable belongings damaged or thrown out – usually by accident – by others. Seems that as soon as I get something I really like, it’s damaged one way or another, typically by something outside of my control and something I didn’t foresee.)

We are trying to sell my parents’ house, a portion of which will be my inheritance, and the housing market there more or less collapsed over the last few months. (I suspected it would since that’s the kind of timing that’s happened in my life over the last fifteen years.)

The municipality there put sewage lines in the wrong place some years ago, breaking a written contract, which has reduced the value of the property by likely several hundred thousand dollars. Back then, I found a highly recommended lawyer who specialized on those cases. She said we had a strong case, could expect a solid compensation, and would do it pro bono. My father refused to cooperate, and even reversed and started denying that it was a problem at all and there was no loss of value to the property. Now that the house is on the market, we have solid proof that it indeed is a big problem and the value of the property is significantly reduced. Again, I have found a lawyer who can do it pro bono. And again, my father – and now also my brother – refuse to go ahead with it. They won’t even give me the information and documents I need to move forward in the case. It makes no sense to me since we have nothing to lose and everything to gain. They don’t need to do anything apart from agreeing that it’s worth a try, and don’t need to be involved in any way in the process. This is a common pattern in my family where they automatically reject whatever I suggest even if it makes good sense, doesn’t cost much to try, and later turns out to be correct or to have been a better path. This is my inheritance, and I need it to repay the loan I took for the land and house here in South America. (My father and brother do not need the money which is likely why they don’t want to do anything.)

We found the perfect land to build our house, in a peaceful neighborhood and with a beautiful view. Now, it turns out that a giant hotel (700 rooms and several swimming pools) is being built right across from us, in the worst possible location. The hotel is most likely an attempt to whitewash money from crime, and it came about through corruption. It makes absolutely no sense to build this hotel here.

We are having a lot of problems with our little house built last year. The process with the architects was a nightmare (they consistently did the oppsite of what I said we wanted, and then refused to change it.) Just about every concern I brought up with them, and they dismissed, turned out to be well founded and it did turn out to be a problem exactly as I predicted. Now, they refuse to take responsibility for anything, including things they clearly are responsible for. (It’s impossible to open one of the cabinets in the kitchen because of a design flaw, the long kithchen window has an absurd design and is very difficult to open and close, there is no drain for the water in the shower which is damaging the house, and so on.)

When I came back to the little house, I discovered that crafts (beautiful indigenous crafts) was damaged and many of my clothes were eaten by insects.

These are also just some highlights. There are equally or more difficult and complicated things going on that I won’t go into here. And this is not unusual. This is how my life has been for the last fifteen years.

Before this, and especially in my twenties, my life was different. I was in a kind of honeymoon following the initial oneness shift in my teens, and things fell into place in amazing ways. These days, things fall apart in equally amazing ways.

THE PERFECT BODY?

I saw a physiotherapist on FB advertising: How to get your perfect body!

How do I get my perfect body?

By questioning my thoughts about my body.

When I do, I find that my body already is perfect and beyond perfect and that the idea doesn’t even have much meaning.

It’s functioning perfectly. It’s doing the best it can with what it has. It’s functioning perfectly given the setup it has. (Genetics, biography, environment, mind, and so on.)

It’s amazing that bodies exist and can be alive. It’s amazing that this body has been alive for as long as it has. It’s amazing how it functions. It’s beyond comprehension. There is an amazing perfection there.

It’s perfectly giving me symptoms for what’s going on with it. I may not always understand the symptoms, and even doctors may not always understand. But it’s communicating perfectly.

I notice this opens for gratitude and tenderness towards my body, awe and gratitude for this life and existence as it is, and humility.

The idea of what’s perfect is an idea. It’s not inherent in life. It’s something our minds have come up with and it reflects our culture and much more. It has some practical functions, it comes with a lot of drawbacks, and it’s good to find what’s more true for me. Life – and my body – lives its own life as it does independent of my thoughts about it.

And, of course, this doesn’t replace otherwise being a good steward of my body, health, and life. Taking care of my thoughts about my body, and taking care of my body, go hand in hand.

I have done many inquiries on topics related to my body, health, illness, symptoms, what it means for my life, and so on. Mostly using The Work of Byron Katie, and also using the Kiloby Inquiries, the Big Mind process, and a more open and intuitive inquiry. I know there is a lot more to explore. The more thorough the inquiry and exploration, the more visceral the result.

What I wrote above is pretty visceral for me most of the time. And, sometimes, things happen that trigger parts of me not (yet) quite aligned with it. That’s an invitation to take a closer look.

AWAKENING SHIFTS SEEM TO HAVE WORLD IMPORTANCE

When there is an awakening shift, it seems not uncommon for our human self to respond with a sense that this has a kind of world importance. Perhaps especially if it happens out of the blue without any apparent preparation. (If we are trained within a tradition, I assume it often looks a bit different.)

That’s an interpretation by the mind, of course. It’s one of the ways our human self and human psyche can respond to it.

It’s not wrong. To us and our world, it definitely has world importance. It changes our whole world.

And in a more literal and conventional sense, it may not be that true. Nobody really cares. And even if we write books, give talks, arrange workshops and retreats, and so on, it may have a big impact on a few people but not much on the world at large. (At least, that’s how it seems. Who knows.)

Usually, when there is a sense of world importance, I assume it fades with time and maturity.

How was it for me? Hm, it did actually happen here too. It seemed so momentous that it was difficult to imagine it wouldn’t mean something for the larger whole. And I also recognized the projection and hubris within it, and that it was an idea this mind had created for itself. It wore off with time.

I prefer just admitting I cannot know for certain one way or another, and that’s the most comfortable place to be. It’s most honest and most aligned with reality.

LEARNING TO LIVE WELL WITH WHAT’S HERE

We can deal with trauma in a couple of general ways.

We can try to find healing for it. And we can find healing for how we relate to it.

In my experience, the two go hand-in-hand and support each other.

I don’t know how long it will take to find healing for the trauma. I don’t know how much trauma is here and how many layers and aspects of it there are. I don’t even really know if something has healed, or it it just appears that way for whatever reason. (For instance, that I shifted into another part of me for a while that’s apparently free of it.) So it makes sense for me to learn to live better with it. To find peace with it. To have a good life even when it’s here. Also, finding more peace with it, in itself, can help it healing.

Similarly, it makes sense for me to invite in healing for the trauma itself. That makes it easier to live well with it while it’s here.

If I do only one of these approaches, I miss out on an important piece and there are some drawbacks to each alone.

If I only invite in shifts in how I relate to it, I obviously miss out on the benefits of healing the trauma itself.

If I only focus on finding healing for the trauma, I miss out on finding an easier and more enjoyable life while it’s still here. It can become a strategy of getting rid of things to feel better, which has some obvious downsides.

This applies to more than trauma, of course. It applies to any mind-body issue. And it applies to just about anything in my life that bothers me.

It makes sense to invite in shifts in how I relate to it. And, depending on what it is and the situation, it can make sense to invite in shifts in the thing itself.

[Made into a regular article]

NOVEMBER 6, 2023

THINKING FOR OURSELVES?

I sometimes see people talking about thinking for ourselves.

I was into that too in my mid-teens, as most teenagers are. (At least, it was a big topic when I was that age.)

It’s natural for us to branch out and explore ideas, information, and worldviews outside of what we grew up with. It’s part of growing up. And it’s good to examine and re-examine our own ideas, assumptions, worldview, and the information we operate on.

But are we really thinking for ourselves? We often just adopt different views, orientations, and worldviews, and these come from somewhere. They come from others, they come from other subcultures and sometimes cultures. That’s not bad or wrong. It’s good for us to explore and find what matches us and our situation better.

We can also examine our thoughts more thoroughly, for instance through inquiry. Here, we find what’s more true for us than our initial assumptions. We find the nature and limits of thoughts, which can be very helpful.

We may even find that we are never “thinking for ourselves”. Thoughts happen. They live their own life as anything else.

And we may find that anything appears to have infinite causes. We can always find one more, and one more, stretching back to beginning of time and out to the widest extent of space. In that sense, “we” are not thinking. It’s all of existence thinking locally here in and as this mind.

[Made into regular article]

STEADY PROGRESS?

That’s a nice thought. But is it true?

How do you know? I know I cannot know any of those things for certain.

What I see is that the universe is doing all sorts of things. Some of which superficially seem nice – like butterflies, pearls, and diamonds. Some of which superficially seem not so nice – like death, disease, and violence. It’s all part of a much larger whole and a seamless dynamic system. And my ideas about what’s desirable and not seems to have no relevance to how the universe unfolds.

I don’t expect some kind of progress in this life or over lifetimes (if there are more than one). Why would life conform to my ideas of progress? Why would there be some kind of progress, according to how I or humans see it?

For me, it’s more peaceful to leave it open. The reality is that I cannot know and I don’t need to know. If there is some kind of progress or not, it’s life’s business, not mine.

What I can do is live my own life the best I can.

I AM A CREPUSCULAR CREATURE?

When I am in nature, I seem to become a crepuscular creature.

I love dawn and dusk and often sleep in between.

I often get up at dawn, and sometimes at the first light on the horizon.

I love being outside during dusk.

I often sleep a bit during the day. And I sleep when it’s dark.

I love these rhythms. I love being crepuscular.

ALL-INCLUSIVE GRATITUDE PRACTICE

I am doing an all-inclusive gratitude practice again and love it. It feels deeply right. And I notice how it shifts my orientation and opens my mind to the genuine gifts in what’s happening, including that which my personality doesn’t like very much.

HO’OPONOPONO

I am doing more ho’o again and love that too. I notice how it shifts my orientation and opens my mind and heart to others and myself. It’s a reminder that to me, the whole world and all others happen within myself. It happens within and as the consciousness I am. So it only makes sense to apologize for how I have treated those beings and find gratitude and love for all.

NOVEMBER 8, 2023

AWAKENING IS COMPLEX

The more you are familiar with something, the more you know all the complexities of it, and so also with awakening.

At first glance, it may seem simple. If your more fundamental nature recognizes itself, we can label it awakening. That’s not wrong, and yet, there is a lot more to it.

For me, since my teens, it’s been more about how much awakeness there is in the system. When I look at the energy system, how far out from the body does the awakening go? How clear is it? The more awakening in the system the further out it goes (infinitely far normally) and the more “thin” and high-frequency it is. (It’s difficult to find the right words to describe it.)

In a more conventional sense, there is also a lot to it.

Where is the center of gravity? (Is there a shift into our nature recognizing itself? Is that where we mostly live from?) How visceral is it? How much of the psyche is on board with it?

THE MORE WE KNOW

The more we know the more we know how little we know. That goes for just about anything in life. Over time, we get it more viscerally in a general way. We get that it’s like that with everything. And that includes any of our ideas about ourselves, others, daily life situations, and the world in general.

It doesn’t at all mean we get paralyzed. It just means we hold our ideas more lightly. We recognize them for what they are: questions about the world.

I think I got lucky (?) here, in some ways. I remember asking my father: how do you know that? How do you know that? And so on. At some point, he said: I don’t know anything for certain. I must have been about five years old and somehow it sank it. I somehow got – at some level – that I don’t know anything for certain, and that’s been a guide for me in my life. (Of course, parts of my psyche still latched on to painful stories so it has taken time to identify and examine these thoroughly, and there are more left.)

A HEADLESS WAY SYNCHRONICITY

I told my wife this morning that I want to join more of the Headless Zoom meetings.

She said: Yes, it’s important.

And Siri responded with emphasis: Mhm.

FAMILY PATTERNS

I keep exploring family patterns and how they are mirrored in my own psyche and life.

For instance, my mother grew up in a small village on the west coast of Norway (Sognefjorden). Her father left her and her sisters and mother when she was little and left them in relative poverty. He had bipolar disorder and moved in with another woman in the same area. There was likely a lot of gossip going around. She has a fear of abandonment and poverty, and she seems terrified of what others may think or say about her. All of that is very understandable considering her background.

She never told me any of this. I had to hear it from other family members and also read about it in a local history book.

My father grew up in a small village in the eastern part of Norway (Hedmark). His father joined the Nazi party during WW2 and was put on trial and sent to a prison camp after the war. The family had to move to another place where people didn’t know them or their history. I assume this was mortifying for the family. He has lived his life being an upstanding citizen that nobody can criticize. (He worked as an architect and artist and did everything expected of him.)

He also never talked about this. I had to hear about it from other family members.

All of this explains a lot of the dynamics and patterns in my family.

For instance, my parents seem terrified of the truth. There is a lot hidden and not talked about, and when I have brought some of it up, they have responded with strong anger and denial. My father seems terrified of psychologists, lawyers, and court cases. That’s all understandable.

The secrecy also makes for some difficult family dynamics. What’s hidden festers and colors everything in weird ways. And what’s out in the open can be aired out and sterilized by sunshine. It has a chance to breathe and heal, and we have a chance to deal with it more consciously and intentionally.

It seems that my brother has largely consciously bought into this family pattern. But I can still explore, air it out, and expose it to the sunlight.

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