I notice a calling to spend a few months, at least, at a Zen center, likely in The Netherlands or Spain because of the connections I have with the lineage and the teachers there.
I imagine the calling is for the meditation itself, with the community and teachings as icing on the cake, and the inevitable friction as likely the real reason for going there although it’s the least favorite part for my personality.
I love Zen. I loved my time at Kanzeon Zen Center. At the time, I couldn’t imagine not continuing and perhaps even taking on the role of a teacher if life went in that direction and I thought I could do it reasonably well.
Life took another direction, and now it seems to call me back.
The title of this article is something I have often said to myself and others: I am interested in what Zen is about and not so much in Zen itself.
What do I mean by that?
I mean that I am interested in exploring my nature and living from and as it.
I am interested in the tradition of Zen since I like history, I love many aspects of the Japanese culture, and I am fascinated by how spiritual traditions go about training human beings, and sometimes invite the consciousness we are to notice itself.
What I am not so interested in is learning Zen to be someone passing it on to future generations. I am not even quite sure why. I love that people do it and I see it as very important. It just doesn’t feel like it’s for me. It feels like fitting a misshapen peg into a round hole. I don’t know if I can fit myself into the shape necessary.
I am much more interested in exploring my nature, exploring living from and as it, and inviting more of my human self on board with it, using any means and approaches that make sense independent of traditions.
Zen has two aspects. On the one hand, it’s a tradition with a very specific form, and as a Zen practitioner – and even more so in the role of a monk or teacher – you are expected to learn it well and pass it on to the next generations. On the other hand, it’s all about authenticity, checking it out for yourself, and finding your own way. Rebels like Ikkuy are held in high esteem in Zen.
The solution is that you eat the fish whole and then spit out the bones, as they often say.
Is it OK that I have explored this more freely? Yes, obviously. It’s one of the many ways life explores itself. Life seems to want to explore itself in as much diversity as possible. At the same time, I am sure I would have learned a lot by going through the Zen system, or a similar system. I would have learned a lot of the obvious things – about the tradition, the process, pointers, practices, and so on.
More importantly, as mentioned above, I would have learned a lot through the friction.
These are some of the things bubbling in me considering spending a while at a Zen center again.
INITIAL DRAFT JULY 2024
I am interested in what Zen is about, not so much Zen itself. (Or whatever the tradition may be.)
This is something I have said since my teens, and it’s true.
What I am interested in is my nature and exploring it and exploring living from and as it.
I am interested in traditions, teachings, and practices to the extent they provide good practical guidelines for that, and I am not interested in them for their own sake.
I guess that’s why I have always been pragmatic about what tools and pointers I explore. It doesn’t matter where they come from – Zen, Tibetan Buddhism, Christian mysticism, shamanism, no tradition – as long as they work.
That may also be why I haven’t stayed within one tradition consistently over time, for more than a few years at a time. There is always so much else to explore and discover.
The upside of staying within one tradition is that you get very familiar with it over time. The downside is that it can be a bit one-sided, it can be difficult to separate the essence from the forms, and it’s easy to think the tradition is special and inherently better than other traditions. The upside of exploring across traditions is that we can find a more well-rounded approach, we may more easily differentiate the essence from the form, and we see that there is immense value in pointers, practices, and teachings from a wide range of traditions.
There may be another reason why I haven’t stayed with one tradition for more than a few years at a time. It allows me to remain a beginner since I am when I go into something new. Nothing much is expected of me. There is no danger of anyone expecting me to take on any role with any responsibility.
Based on childhood experiences, a part of me is terrified of being seen and the center of attention, so I’ll do a lot to avoid it. That also prevents a certain maturing and maturity.