I have experienced this often enough. I share something that comes from a reasonable amount of experience and examination, it’s misunderstood, the others think I don’t get it, dismiss what I said, and give me a lecture on the basics.
Usually, what happens is that I am relatively familiar with the terrain and the usual perspectives, and I want to give voice to one or more views that have not been spoken yet. I want to bring in the bigger picture and a richer way of looking at it.
Combine this with social anxiety and trying to make it as brief and succinct as possible (so I don’t have to be visible for too long), and it creates the conditions for others to misunderstand, especially if they are less familiar with the terrain and the many different perspectives that all have some validity.
One situation I remember is joining the practitioner group at the Center for Sacred Sciences in Oregon. I would briefly add something that came from my explorations and would fill in the bigger picture a bit. Others would interpret it as coming from a novice and speak to me about the basics as if I were unfamiliar with it. Instead of clarifying, I eventually gave up sharing.
The remedy is simple: Anticipate how others may see it and address it right away. Frame it so they understand that I understand the basics and just want to add something to create a richer set of views on the particular terrain we are exploring.
In my case, I have an old wound around not being seen. A part of me expects to not be seen and understood, this part of me gives up in advance and doesn’t put energy into framing it in a way that anticipates and reduces the chances of misunderstandings. I set the stage for misunderstandings by not addressing them upfront – or even later. This part even likes being invisible in this way since it feels safer, although other parts do not like it and would like a more healthy and mature expression.
It’s understandable considering the wounds I have which have likely been passed on through generations and is also shared by many in our culture. It’s also a missed opportunity and a waste of time and attention for them and me. They could have benefited from my sharing if I had only framed it better so they had a chance to understand it. They spent time explaining something that wasn’t necessary. I spent time listening to them explaining as if it was helpful, and I also spent time afterward being slightly baffled and annoyed by the misunderstanding.
Even now, many years later, several of these instances still come back to me. Why does it come up? It comes up since this is still a pattern in me and my system wants resolution and healing. It wants to be able to express itself in a way that’s more clear and satisfying – to myself and others.
INITIAL NOTES
When say things, often come from a different place than many others
I know the usual ways to look at and see it
And choose another angle that I give more interesting
To people who don’t know me, can seem I am stupid or don’t know much at all
Happens quite often, and feeds into my trauma reaction pattern of wanting to be invisible, to not speak up
Happened several times at CSS
Also, am usually clear I don’t know for certain, or that my experience is very limited
And many seem to take this to mean in a conventional sense, while I mean it in a big picture sense
If don’t understand, don’t assume it’s because the person doesn’t understand
For me, mixed with social anxiety so I try to market it brief and may leave out important context