Notes from a session with Barry:
As a child, I had a recurrent nightmare.
I climb up the ladder to the attic, and as soon as my head enter the space everything disappear and I fall through the darkness. After a while, a witch appear stirring a large cauldron. She looks up at me and grins. I am about to fall into the cauldron and wake up.
I stay with the different parts of this dream. What happens if I fall into the cauldron? I dissolve. Everything I am dissolve. I emerge with a light-body – a body made up of the black and golden luminosity combined. The witch transform into a young woman with the same light body. We merge. We are one. We always were one.
In the dream I dive headlong into my greatest fears. I have no choice. The witch holds me to it. She gives me no choice. That’s why she appears as a witch to me. My fear of my fears makes her appear as a witch. In reality, she and everything is love. The process is love. It helps me find my wholeness, it helps me discover who and what I am.
The attic is black. The space I fall through is black. The witch and the cauldron is black. It is all held within the deep velvety luminous blackness. It is all the luminous black. Soft, velvety, nurturing. Infinite love.
It is OK to lose control. It is OK to fall. It is OK to dive into my greatest fears.
Be whatever is
On the train to Oslo last Monday, I explored being what is. I shift into being the people on the train. The train itself. The sounds. The landscape passing by.
I walk through the train station and everyone and everything became the velvety smooth luminous blackness. Everything happens within the luminous black, as the luminous black, with the luminous black peering through it. The people. The train station. Everything is the luminous black. And I am all of it. There is a deep sense of coming home. It is deeply safe, deeply nurturing.
This has happened a few times over the last few years. Previews lasting 30-40 minutes at a time.
The initial awakening was a head and heart awakening. Then, I was everything and everything was golden light. But I knew it was just the beginning. There was something more, and the clear nondual awakening had to fade and be temporarily covered up so I can deepen into it. I even had to go through a dark night where I “lost” the awakening and “everything” seemed to go wrong. It was a preparation for this. For a deepening into a belly awakening, the luminous black which everything happens within, as, and is peering through everything.
There are some fears and beliefs around this.
It will be too much.
I can’t take it.
I won’t function.
I will be too different.
I will be alone.
Others won’t understand.
I won’t be in control.
I don’t know where it will lead me.
It won’t stay.
I am not able to make it stay.
I am not up to it.
I stay with the fear that I can’t take it. I recognize that the “I” that can’t take it won’t be there when there is a more full shift into this. It is what falls away.
I continue staying with these fears and thoughts. I see how these appear from the dimension of the luminous blackness. It is held within infinite love, infinite wisdom, infinite gentleness.
I suddenly recognize how the fears, the doubts, the resistance, the beliefs, the sense of an I resisting all are the luminous blackness. It all happens within and as the luminous blackness as anything else. It is the luminous blackness temporarily appearing to resist itself.
I recognize how the shift into being all – being all as the luminous blackness – is a shift into deep healing for this human self, and also a safe place for heart and head awakening to unfold again. This time slower, more gradual, supported by the luminous infinite blackness.
I notice a fear that I will be too different, alone in this, but that is also a fear and belief, and belongs to the “I” that falls away. That too is the luminous black.
Diamond in a mine shaft
A couple of weeks ago, during a similar session, a clear image of a diamond at the bottom of a mine shaft came up for me. It has stayed with me since, and it comes up again. I stay with it with gentle curiosity. It is moving up and down the mine shaft, from the center of the earth up through to my heart and then down again. It moves higher now up through the crown and into the cosmos. It becomes one of many stars. It moves even further, infinitely far up and down, through my central channel. Surrounded by and within the infinite luminous blackness. I am still not quite sure what it is or what it’s function is, and it is OK. It is taking its time, one step at a time.
Parallels with cosmology
I am released out into spaciousness and the process is over for now. Barry mentions the parallels with current cosmology, with the universe being made up of mostly dark matter and energy, and with giant black holes at the center of galaxies. For me and him, the luminous dark is where it is going, that’s where the process wants to go and explore now. It is a neccesary complement to the bright golden luminosity of the head center, it is the polarity of the deep feminine and the brilliant masculine.
For more about the three soul centers, see three dimensions of awakening written by Barry. All of it fits my experience.
Also, here is a journal from A.H. Almaas on the luminous black:
There is the perception of appearance as surface. But this surface, which is all that perception beholds, is three dimensional and dynamic. The darkness of the night and the luminous blackness of the absolute are almost indistinguishable. This mysterious blackness projects itself dynamically as the various forms, hills and trees, buildings and cars, stars and lights. My personal presence, inseparable from the body, and that of Karen, are parts of this dynamic appearance, but inseparable from it. We are both in oneness with all of existence. At the same time, our personal presences are clearly inseparable extensions of the black absolute into this oneness of appearance. We recognize that each of us is a projection of the absolute mystery as a personal presence walking into the appearance, an appearance that the absolute is also projecting. As we talk it is really the absolute talking to himself, while he walks as two people.
– Life and the Deathless
And a dream I found online that seems related:
Update: Since this session – and perhaps before – I am noticing a clear liquid fluid light and love. I am this liquid fluid light and love. The liquid fluid nurturing part comes from the smooth velvety blackness. The light from the clarity of the head center. And the love from the heart center. It feels like a flowing together of all of these. And this is another facet of the Divine Mind, of Big Mind, Buddha Mind, Brahman, life. There is a sense that all is revealed as this liquid fluid light and love, there is no “I” inherent in it anywhere (although there is still some identification as an “I” here
for me), and it is one of a great number of ways it can reveal itself to itself.
It also seems that this has to do with the diamond in the mineshaft, in the blackness.
- session w. barry
- childhood nightmare
- diving into the cauldron, into my fears, what looks most scary
- transformed – i and the witch, beings of light, are one
- losing control is ok, and ok to dive into what’s most scary
- be whatever is
- luminous darkness – inside of everything, everything within, everything as the luminous dark
- fears/beliefs – can’t take it, too much, will lose control etc.
- it’s only the imagined me that can’t take it and will lose control – only an imagined self
- also – everything is the luminous dark – the luminous dark appearing as doubt, resistance, fears, beliefs, images etc.
- diamond in the mine shaft
- going from center of earth to heart, up and down
- then up through the crown, becomes a star in the cosmos
- then infinitely far up and down, infinity
- childhood nightmare