A few words, images, and situations for me to explore with Living Inquiries.
The Witch
The witch – from childhood dreams
My mother – unreasonable, mistreating my father
SS – misperception, loss
KT – misperception
HF – anger
The me – victim of the witch in all these forms
Also, the command for me to collapse, be silent, to contract, to take what someone else says as valid
Missing out
Images of me missing out of relationships, studies, careers.
The one missing out of relationships, studies, careers.
Commands
Command to be contracted. Command to be quiet. Command to be sad.
Command to collapse, be silent, clam up, be paralyzed. (Dismayed when HF got into battle of ideas.)
Command to be tired. Command to be spacy.
Command to see myself as a victim. Command to be hopeless.
Command to be healthy, alert, engaged, have zest.
Command to understand. Command to find clarity. Command to know. Command to know what the truth is.
Command to eat, sleep, sex, use the internet, watch a movie.
Themes
Regret over missed opportunities (relationships, education, family).
Sadness/grief/anger over having “lost” ten years of my life. Sadness/grief/anger over having been “off track”.
A sense of doom. (Images of Norway, dirty small apartment, government support, unable to work, alone, regret, despair, mental torture.)
Fear of not being able to get back “on track” (in terms of education, work, family life).
Feeling stuck/paralyzed in Eugene. (And Wisconsin.)
Fear of being stuck in relationship, job, career, place. ***
Fear of life being too easy. Fear of not being up to the task.
The quiet one in groups. The talkative one in one-to-one.
Fear of discomfort. Fear of confusion. Fear of physical pain. Fear of emotional pain. Fear of emotional turmoil. Fear of pushing experience away. Fear of struggle Fear of doing it wrong.
Wanting loss/tragedy to…. see if people in my life will still love me, see what’s left for me to look at, find genuine love for it/myself in that situation, recognize that too + what comes up in me as love.
Something needs to be fixed. I need resolution. The one who wants resolution. The one who wants something (myself) fixed.
I missed wonderful opportunities. I miss out. I will miss out. I will be lonely. Sad. Miserable. In mental torture.
If it’s too bad or too good, I freeze.
Regret means something went wrong. Regret is not normal. Making mistakes is not normal.
The one that needs to be saved. Saved by a relationship/woman. Saved by education. Saved by work. Saved by a teacher. Saved by a healer. Saved by life. Saved by God. ****
There is a me here that needs to be saved. ***
Unable to get started in life. Unable to get traction. Not getting out from the starting line. False starts. Missed opportunities. Ungrasped opportunities.
Regret over missed opportunities. Regret over leaving the house in Oregon, leaving the US, leaving Norway.
Fear of an adult life. Fear of not having a good job, good income, good education, good family life. ***
Can’t have what I want. Can’t have a good job, a good income. Can’t have a good partner. Can’t have a family and children. Can’t have a good house. Can’t have a good life. ****
Fuzzy brain. The one with a fuzzy brain. There is something wrong with my brain, so I can’t have a good life. ****
Staying in dreams, ideas, visions, what could have been, what may be. ****
Fear of putting down roots. Fear of being trapped. Fear of being confined. Fear of being limited. ***
Compulsion to get caught up in (stressful) thinking, comfort eating, avoid feeling something. ***
Compulsion for drama. Compulsion for clarity. Compulsion for being a victim. Compulsion for loss.