Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things XV

This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be a little on the rant side. And some may be made into a regular article in time.


His work is contentious, he says, because it calls into question the superiority of humans.

– from The secret life of plants: how they memorise, communicate, problem solve and socialise in The Guardian

Even since I was a kid, I have found the idea of inherent human superiority a bit (or a lot!) ridiculous.

The idea comes from our culture, and perhaps many cultures around the world. It comes from a power-over orientation and is used to support this power-over orientation. It’s how we tell ourselves it’s OK to imprison non-human beings, use them as slaves, eat them, torture them, and destroy their natural habitat.

The reality is that we are one species of animals among many. We happened to be one that developed symbolic language, technology, and more. And we are able to control and make use of other species for our own apparent benefit so we do, and we have found ways to justify it so we can pretend we feel better about it.

That’s about it. There is nothing inherently superior about humans. We are one of many species. We are a part of the living seamless whole of Earth as everything else. We are the local eyes, ears, feelings, and thoughts of the universe, as many other species are in their own way.

Last but not least, any sense of superiority comes from an idea of superiority. It’s not inherent in life or reality.

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In the 2000s, I received several diksha (deeksha) sessions in Oregon and California. These had a strong effect on me and was accompanied by a series of awakening-related experiences (strong focus in meditation, seeing energies more strongly, a sweet taste independent of food, and so on). After a few months, there was a shift into a strong and clear sense of no-self. This lasted for about six months and was followed by a dramatic worsening of the chronic fatigue (CFS) and a general collapse of my system.

A US-based mentor of mine at the time said he had talked with several Nordic people who had experienced something similar after receiving diksha. I don’t know why it seems to happen to Nordic people and not so much others.

Since then, I have experienced the energies around and in my head as off. Some areas feel turned off or shut down. The energy in general feels too spacey and ungrounded.

Vortex Healing and the VH classes has helped me a lot and now it seems time to focus more specifically on undoing or healing whatever the diksha did to my brain and central nervous system. I worked on it last night and this morning, and the energies are running quite strongly and I already feel an improvement. My brain feels more present and grounded, although there is much further to go.


In our culture, there is a tendency for people to assume that a certain behavior says something about the person more than the situation they are in. In psychology, it’s called the fundamental attribution error.

I wonder if it’s inherently human or more inherent in our culture. I assume the latter. After all, our culture tend to focus on and value the individual as distinct from the larger whole they are a part of. Other cultures look at the individual more in the context of the larger whole.

It’s more easily noticed when others make these assumptions about us, and I am sure we all have many examples of this in our life.

I personally notice it when it comes to my health and my life situation as a consequence of ongoing health challenges. For instance, I am unable to do most of what I want to do and what I did when my health was better. I need to prioritize rest. And for that reason, several people have independently said to me “you don’t have much ambition”. This is clearly wrong. I have lots of ambition, I just don’t have the means to act on it or do much about it.

What you see has a lot to do with the constraints my health puts on my life and it has less to do with what I wish or desire or any inner quality or characteristic. My life is different because of my health condition. It’s not necessarily worse, it’s just different than it otherwise would have been.


There are many myths about awakening and to most people it probably sounds mysterious, fanciful, for special people, unreachable, and perhaps just a fantasy.

The reality of awakening is simpler, closer, and something we all can explore and get a sense of. It’s finding ourselves as capacity for the world as it appears to us, for all experiences – including of this human self and anything connected with it.

Even the process and ongoing unfolding is something we can talk about and create maps about that sometimes are helpful and sometimes less so.

At the same time, there are some real mysteries in all of this. In a sense, the whole awakening process and anything at all is mysterious because it’s grace. And the most profound mystery of all is that awakening is, and non-awakening is, and that there is anything at all.

JULY 9, 2020


There’s this whole other side of awakening which isn’t just waking up from form, waking up from the body, waking up from the identifications of the mind, but it’s getting that awakening down in through all of that, and that’s like a clearinghouse. That’s the difference between someone who’s had an awakening and ultimately someone who has discovered their divine individuality.

– Adyashanti in The Divine Individual

What does it mean to discover our divine individuality? I haven’t listened to this talk by Adya so I don’t know exactly what he says about it, but this is what comes up for me.

As Adya suggests, the essence of it is to bring the awakening through the human. To help all the different parts of us as human beings that still operate from separation consciousness to also align with reality, with oneness, with all as the divine.

How can we support this process?

One is to clarify the awakening itself. To continue to explore what we are. It’s an ongoing process and not anywhere we “arrive”.

Another is to notice when bubbles of separation consciousness comes up in us, and bring our presence into it and allow these parts of us to soften, be infused with a more awake presence, and reorient and realign with this awakening.

This involves a shift in how we relate to these parts of us. Our habitual response, which itself comes from separation consciousness, may be to want to avoid them. We can shift out of being caught in this and instead meet and bring our presence into these parts of us. And this is made easier when we notice these parts as another flavor of the divine. When we notice that although it can seem scary, it’s actually more comfortable to meet these parts of us. And we can also support this through heart-centered practices and inquiry.

Yet another way to support this process is to explore these parts of us more in detail, for instance, through forms of inquiry, somatic work, heart-centered practices, and relationship work.

Over time, this process becomes our new normal and it’s made easier by what we discover on the way. For instance, that these parts of us living in separation consciousness – which often suffer for that reason – are flavors of the divine. That they are not “other” but who and what we already are. That it’s more comfortable to meet these parts of us, with some kindness and skill, than it is to avoid them. That they were formed as a way for our system to protect itself and that they are an expression of self-protection and thus a form of kindness and love.

JULY 10, 2020


I was sitting outside in the sun yesterday when a man with a dog walked by. He started talking about the weather, himself, asked some questions, was quiet for a while. He then said he was Christian, that we don’t need to do or be anything to be loved by God, and that he was grateful since as a human he doesn’t deserve God’s love but he has it anyway. He was obviously moved by this.

Later, I realized that this was life’s message to me in that moment. I had a lot of discomfort come up in my system (CFS/Lyme symptoms) that morning, along with a “tragedy” bubble of fear, hopelessness, and some victim identity, and it was difficult to relate to it intentionally. (I had sought out a secluded place to sit since I didn’t want to talk to anyone!)

His message was that all of this is also loved. It’s already loved – by life, existence, consciousness, the divine. When I later was available to take this in, something shifted in me. By noticing it’s all already loved, I too found love for it.

Although the Christian idea of us all being loved by God as we are is an idea, it also reflects a reality. And it can remind us of that reality, and help us shift into it – or a little further in that direction – here and now. When I say the words “we are all loved as we are”, I notice I can more easily find love for what’s here as it is.

Why did the “tragedy” bubble come up that day? Sometimes, things come up just so they can be seen and loved. And it may also be because I had earlier worked on a similar issue, and/or because a group field had started forming for a Vortex Healing class this coming week and groups fields can bring up whatever needs to be released.


I keep notice how some in spiritual circles want to find meaning from life’s side. Something happens, like the pandemic, and they want to know why in the sense of why life – or existence, or the divine – made it happen and what it means. They want to assign meaning to it from life’s side.

To me, that’s a futile exercise. The idea of a reason or a why is a human idea, it’s not inherent in life. And even if it was, we would never know for certain, and it’s likely we couldn’t even begin to grasp it.

Trying is not only an exercise is futility, it’s inevitably and inherently frustrating. We know we cannot know for certain. We know we are just guessing. We know, somewhere in us, that we are grasping at straws, trying to find some sense of meaning or security in our ideas about what something means or why it’s happening.

There is a wisdom in the Christian saying that God moves in mysterious ways, and God can here be taken to mean existence as a whole.

To me, it’s simpler to acknowledge that I cannot know and don’t need to know. And that any meaning comes from what I bring to it. I can chose to relate to a situation in a way that is meaningful to me. I can use it to heal, mature, find more clarity, motivate constructive action, and so on.

Instead of asking: Why is this happening? What’s the meaning? I can ask: What is life asking from me? How can I use this to heal? Mature? Find more clarity? Act from kindness?

Note: Of course, I have this in me too. Especially when I feel overwhelmed, scared, and fatigued, I may have these questions come up in me. Why is this happening? What does it mean? What does life want from me?


When I talk with someone, I often take a few second in responding – especially if it’s something important. I don’t seem to have much choice. I need to look and see what’s alive and true for me here and now and then find a way to put words on it that’s as accurate as possible.

Other times, I may speak from habit as most of us often do, especially if it’s something that doesn’t seem so important.

One is not better than the other. But I find that on important topic – about personal relations or society or the nature of life – I need to take my time to look at it again. What’s true for me now may be different from my old opinions. I can’t go mainly to a memory.

I wonder if this is also happening because of my fatigue and brain fog. This too invites in a slower speed in conversation, and it’s easy for me to find gratitude for that aspect of it.

JUNE 11, 2020


I talk with a friend from high school (HB) that I haven’t seen since then. At the time, I admired him for his maturity and his insightful views on society and politics and a range of other issues. He mentions that since he was supported and felt safe while growing up, he has been able to continue to mature and evolve beyond how he was then. When he says that, I am acutely aware that I see myself as not having matured or evolved much since my teens.

This dream reflects a question I have had about myself for a while. I often feel I haven’t matured much since high school. I still like much of the same music as back then (Arvo Pärt is still my favorite composer). I still like the same art. I still see an integral framework as the best “map of maps”. I am still passionate about culture change and creating a more sustainable and life-centered civilization. Even if I have some more experience with different approaches to healing and awakening, my general orientation here too is much the same.

Of course, I am both me and him in the dream. He has matured and evolved because I have. And in the dream I am the one who haven’t because a part of me sees me as not having matured or evolved since then.

This has many sides.

I had relatively mature views and interests in my childhood and teens. I was passionate about science, nature, and astronomy. I read systems theories and quantum physics in my mid-teens (Fritjof Capra and others). I read Jung. I was into “mature” music like Arvo Pãrt. The awakening brought me beyond all dualities and that which everything happens within and as woke up to itself. In that sense, there was perhaps not room for such big and obvious leaps as it would have if I was less mature back then.

At the same time, there are things in me that are not so conducive to maturing and evolving. I see a tendency in me to hold onto insights and create an identity in order to find (a false sense of) safety.

And there is also sincerity, receptivity, curiosity, and diligence which is conducive for maturing and evolving.

And there are some emotional issues and identities behind this sense of not having evolved. For instance, a feeling that others get it and I don’t. That I am missing something. That what I have is not valuable and what others have is more valuable. (The two first of these are clearly true, but I don’t need to use it to stop myself.)

What’s the main point of the dream? Perhaps to show me this sense of not having matured while others have, and explore and question it and find what’s more true. Also, the dream reminds me that maturing and evolving requires a sense of safety and being seen and loved, so that’s something I can (continue) to nurture for myself – both in how I relate to myself and the world, and in my surroundings and people in my life.

JULY 12, 2020


When discomfort and reactivity comes up in us, we have a few different options in how we relate to it.

We can take the scary stories behind it as true and identify with it and act on it.

We can avoid it or pretend it’s not there.

We can try to change it, transform it, make it into something different.

We can set it aside for a while, because the situation may require something else from us, and intend to explore it later.

We can meet it with curiosity and love, listen to what it has to tell us, and see where it’s coming from, how it’s not true, and find what’s more true for us.

The last option is not the same as indulging in it. If we take the stories within the issue as true and perceive and act on them, we indulge in the issue. And if we meet the issue, find love for it, and still allow the stories within the issue to be the last word, we also indulge in it. The next step is crucial, which is to identify and question the stories and find what’s more true for us.

No matter what I do, if I don’t also question the scary stories behind the issue and find what’s more true for me, I indulge in these scary stories. I act as if they are true. I tell myself, at some level, they are true.

Say I have a diffuse sense of dread and anxiety and a story behind it saying that something terrible will happen. I can take it as true and act on it as if it’s true. (Which can include paralyzing myself.) I can pretend it’s not here and override it as best as I can. I can try to change it, for instance by telling myself everything will be OK even if I secretly believe it won’t. I can set it aside because the situation calls for me to do something else. And I can meet it with curiosity and love, listen to the scary stories, and examine and question them and find what’s more true for me.

Most of these are different ways of indulging in stories behind the emotional issue. In most of these cases, I act as if these scary stories are true and I don’t question them. And this also happen if I start meeting and finding love for the dread while continuing to take the scary stories as true.

Identifying, exploring, and questioning the scary stories is an essential step, as is finding what’s more true for me.

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In Vortex Healing, there are some guidelines of what we can do at different levels. But there are no rules. After all, what we can do depends on our own energy system and other factors.

We are free to try and see what happens and find the boundaries as they seem to be for us at this moment, knowing it’s all subject to change.

Pointers and structures can be very helpful and are often essential, especially in our early explorations. And it’s good to remember that the map is not the terrain.

Life and the divine is not bound by rules created by the human mind. Life and reality are more than and different from any ideas we have about it. The terrain is not bound by the map.

JULY 13, 2020


I am doing parts of a Self-Breema seminar online, and I keep rediscovering how nurturing it is, how it helps me find my wholeness, and how it feels like a return home to this wholeness.

A couple of other things also stood out to me:

Self-Breema is a form of prayer, it’s a form of movement prayer. We hardly ever talk about it that way because it’s not necessary, and it’s something we can discover for ourselves.

And I also notice that each Self-Breema exercise has a kind of quality to it, which is difficult or impossible for me to capture in words. Each one brings me in contact with certain parts of myself, with who and what I am.


[made into regular article]


A common story-telling feature is to place a character exactly where they don’t want to be, in a situation that’s the most challenging for them, and then see what happens.

Dark nights on a spiritual path are often like that. Life places us exactly where we don’t want to be, and then we get to see how we respond to it.

These situations usually last long enough so we have time to get feedback and adjust how we respond. We have enough time to allow the situation to work on us.

In my case, I lost health, house, belongings, community, money – all the things that gave me or supported my desired identity and gave me a sense of safety. Since the dark night started, I have repeatedly found myself in very challenging situations. And even in the apparently smaller things it happens. For instance, as part of the health challenges (CFS), I have strong sound sensitivity, and although I seek out quiet places as much as I can, I often find myself right in the middle of ongoing noise. (A current example is that the house next door is going to be torn down and rebuilt, a process that may take a year.)

So the question is: how do I respond to it? How does this character in this story respond to it? If I wrote this story, and I wanted this character to grow, learn, mature, heal, and perhaps even awaken and deepen in it all, how would he respond to this situation?


There are regular questions in the Vortex Healing FB group about what to do about greying hair and hair loss. A great number of people give suggestions about this and it’s rare anyone questions it.

Why not embrace graying hair or no hair, and then question anything that comes up in us around it?

After all, our ideas about this are rooted in culture and assumptions and good to question. Is it true that keeping the original color is better than gray hair? Or that hair is better than no hair?

Why do we see keeping the original color as better? Or hair better than no hair? Is it because we associate it with youth and see youth as better than old age? And is that really true?

JUNE 14, 2020


There is more truth and sacredness in a blade of grass than in all the shrines, scriptures and stories created to honor an idea of God. […] All of these are labels. All of them are fine. There is nothing wrong with any one of them, until you actually believe they’re true

– Adyashanti

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[made into regular article]


Many feel that Jean-Michel Jarre’s music from the ’70s and ’80s was the best, and I am among them. His music from that time is creative, beautiful, and surprising. Since then, it feels like he is going for the easy solutions, as if he has lost his ambition or drive or whatever was behind his earlier music.

In response, he says that people like what they were initially introduced to. If they first heard his music from the ’70s and ’80s, that’s what they like.

Yes, there is something to it. And no, it’s not the whole explanation.

His music became markedly more predictable and bland since. And other musicians from that era are still making creative and surprising, or at least high quality, music – like Sting (after a dip in the late ’90s and ’00s), Kate Bush, and Yello / Boris Blank.


For as long as I can remember, I thought it was odd when people said “bad weather”. I guess it’s partly from growing up in Norway where we say: Det finnes ikke dårlig vær, bare dårlige klær / there is no bad weather, only bad (inappropriate) clothing.

Personally, I love the shifting weather. I love rain after some dry days. I love wind and storms. I love the snow. And I, of course, love a beautiful, gentle, warm and sunny spring or summer day.

I wonder if this helped me see, from early on in life, that our labels are ours. We create these labels. They are not inherent in life.

JULY 15, 2020


If we mentally split existence into the relative (form, human life) and absolute (awake emptiness), then we can say that the relative loves and absolute, and the absolute loves the relative.

When existence identifies as a human being, it longs for the absolute whether it knows it or not. It longs for and seeks love, home, truth, and so on. Often this longing and seeking takes the form of all sorts of ordinary human longing and seeking, but what we really long for and seek is the absolute.

And the absolute loves the relative. The absolute creates itself into the relative in order to explore itself that way.

This is all existence or the divine exploring itself in all these different ways. As capacity for it all. As consciousness. As form and this universe and human beings with this longing.


I don’t often use the terms relative and absolute. Some terms are almost too neat and accurate and they make it easy for the mind to tell itself it gets it while it doesn’t.

Also, I don’t really understand what they refer to. I may have, at some point, when I read a lot of Buddhism. But now, I am unsure.

As far as I understand, the relative refers to any content of experience. Anything that can be experienced.

And the absolute refer to the capacity for all of this.

There is also a grey zone here and where we exactly draw the line is, of course, up to us. It’s a mental exercise.

What about awakeness? Is that the relative or absolute? Everything (the relative) happens within and as awake capacity, so is the awake aspect of this capacity in the relative or absolute? What about love? What about the quiet bliss that seems inherent in what we are?

If this quiet bliss that always seems to be here is inherent in what we are, does it belong to the absolute? Or the relative since it’s an experience?

What about Big Heart or love? This comes from noticing that all happens within and as what we are, it’s not a feeling, so does it belong to the absolute? As soon as it is reflected in a feeling, is it then the relative?

And what about awakeness? Is it inherent in the capacity? Or is it just always here to us since if it wasn’t there wouldn’t be any noticing? Does it belong to the absolute or the relative?

I am sure Buddhism has clear answers to this. And, as I mentioned, it’s largely a matter of definition. The relative and absolute comes from mental divisions so where we draw the line depends on what seems most useful.


Words matter, especially since they reflect and transmit differences in understanding.

I notice that quiet vs noise matters a lot for how I am.

I can say that noise impacts me. Or that I allow noise to impact me. Or that I impact myself when it’s noisy around me.

The first is the conventional way of talking about it and it puts the “blame” out there in the situation and the world. I am just sensitive. It’s the noise that impacts me.

The second is somewhat accurate but not very precise.

And the third is more accurate. I impact myself when it’s noisy around me. My thinking about it impacts me. My stressful thinking. The beliefs I have about it.

It’s not the whole picture, obviously, but it’s an important part of it. It’s probably an interaction between biology and neurology, culture and subculture, and emotional issues, trauma, general stress levels, and beliefs and identities.

JULY 17, 2020


When people ask how old I am, I sometimes say 13.8 billion years old.

It’s the most accurate answer, even if it’s perhaps not what they meant.

We are all 13.8 billion years old, at least roughly.

We are the local universe. We are part of the ongoing evolution of this universe as it explores, expresses, and – through us and other beings – brings itself into consciousness.

As Carl Sagan said, we are the local eyes, ears, feelings, and thoughts of the universe bringing itself into consciousness.

And we are also timeless. We are what it all – this universe and the universe in the form of this human self – happens within and as.

[made into a regular article in a slightly edited form]

–––––– DRAFTS ––––––

One is following the usual guidelines for a good relationship – communication, asking for what you want, be open about what’s going on with you, and so on.

Another is that how we are in the relationship tends to reflect our work with ourselves. If we recognize bubbles of separation consciousness when it for ourselves and meet it with some consciousness and understanding, it’s easier for us to do the same when it comes up for the other.



I was sitting outside in the sun and a man and a dog walked by. He stopped and talked with me about the weather, asked me my name and told me his, and I could see that he had something else on his mind. Eventually, he said he is Christian and that we don’t need to do or be anything to be loved by God and that he was grateful since as a human he doesn’t deserve God’s love but he has it anyway. I saw how moved he was by this.

Even if I am not Christian in a conventional sense, I could tell him I have read the Bible, and agree with what he said and see it the same way. There was a moment of a nice connection. He walked on and seemed content.

This is one advantage of a more inclusive spirituality. Apart from some minor theological points, the essence is the same. Most times when I talk with someone who has a certain spirituality, there is something shared.



There is both a science and an art to healing and awakening, as there is to most human endeavors.

We can maybe say that the science is learning the tools, perhaps why and how they work, and generally when to use which pointers and tools. And the art is learning the things that cannot so easily be taught, that which comes through experience, including learning when each tools may be appropriate and more subtle adjustments in how to apply medicine (pointers, tools) to different conditions.

It’s a little misleading since actual since has a lot of art to it, and actual art has a lot of science to it. There is a science and art to both science and art.



When I talk with someone, I often take my time to see what’s alive and true for me here and now and how to best phrase it. It’s not inherently better than speaking from habit (which I am sure I also do) or pre-made opinions. But it feels better. An added benefit for me is that it slows down the conversation to “my” speed, the slower speed due to fatigue and brain fog.



I talk with a friend from high school (HB) I haven’t seen since then. At the time, I admired him for his view on politics and the world and mature take on a wide range of issues. He mentions that since he had a lot of support for exploring the world as he did, he has a more relaxed relationship with it and what’s going on with the world. I again see him as having a mature and informed approach to politics, society, and the world.

This dream touches on a couple of topics I have been noticing for a long time. One is that I feel I haven’t matured much since high school. I still like the same music (Arvo Pärt was my favorite composer then and still is), the same art, I still see an integral framework as the best overall “maps of maps”, I am still passionate about culture change and creating a more sustainable and life-centered civilization, and so on. Of course, I have some more experience with different approaches to healing and awakening, but even here my general orientation and understanding is much the same.

If I am honest, I feel that most of what I write about here is coming from a teenage place. I don’t feel I have matured or evolved very much since then. I have mostly just spent time exploring generally the same as I did back then.

In the dream, my friend from high school has matured and evolved beyond how he was then. My image of myself was that I had not. I often feel I had a quick start but then didn’t evolve much.

And there is some truth to it. When we start out ahead of the curve, as I did in some ways in my teens, it’s easy to float on what we have and not wholeheartedly engage in the process from humility, curiosity, sincerity, receptivity, and diligence. We get used to being ahead of the curve until we at some point aren’t anymore.

There are some emotional issues and identities behind this sense of not having evolved. It’s partly feeling that others get it and I don’t, or that I am missing something and missing out of something, and that what I have is not valuable while what others have is more valuable.

There are some emotional issues behind not actually evolving as much as I perhaps otherwise would. For instance, holding onto any insights and experiences in order to feel better about myself, to fill a hole in me and cover up a sense of lack. There is a holding onto ideas and identities as a way to protect myself and feel a bit more safe, and this covers up receptivity, sincerity, and humility to some extent. (It doesn’t protect me and doesn’t give any actual safety.) There is also a fear of being seen which makes me hold back, especially in groups, so I don’t get as much explicit feedback and pointers as I could.

And it’s also not exactly true that I haven’t matured and evolved. I have, of course, had lots of experiences, I have learned a lot about different healing and awakening practices, I have gone through several different phases in the healing and awakening process, and there is some sincerity, receptivity, humility, and diligence here.

Beyond all this, and perhaps more to the point, I am him and me in the dream. I am the one who has matured. And I am the one feels I haven’t matured so much since then.



In Vortex Healing, there are some guidelines of what we can do at different levels. But there are no rules. After all, what we can do depends on our own system and a lot of other factors. We are free to try and see what happens.

Life and the divine is not bound by rules created by the human mind. Life and reality are more than and different from any ideas we have about it. The terrain is not bound by the map.

Pointers and structures can be very helpful and are often essential, especially in our early explorations. And it’s good to remember that the map is not the terrain.


I avoid using the words absolute and relative as much as possible, but sometimes they are the best words I can find.


When existence identifies as a human being, it longs for the absolute whether it knows it or not. It longs for and seeks the absolute – love, home, truth, and so on. Often this longing and seeking takes the form of all sorts of ordinary human longing and seeking, but what we really long for and seek is the absolute.

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