I am a mystery to myself

I am a mystery to myself in a few different ways.

What’s undiscovered is a mystery.

What I think I know is, in reality, still a mystery.

And what I am is a mystery to itself.

WHAT’S UNDISCOVERED IS A MYSTERY TO ME

Anything I haven’t yet discovered about myself as a human self, and anything I have not yet discovered about my nature (what I am in my own first-person experience), is a mystery to me.

And no matter how familiar I am with this, and how much I have explored it, I am still only scratching the surface. There is always further to go. There is more to discover. New perspectives to understand something within. And new context – in thought and in our more visceral experience – which sometimes turns everything inside-out and upside-down.

WHAT I THINK I KNOW IS STILL A MYSTERY

I am familiar with certain terrains within who and what I am. I know a lot of the theories among specialists. I have maps that seem to work relatively well.

And what I am exploring is still a mystery to me.

Mental representations are different in kind to what they are about. They are simplifications. They leave out anything I am not (yet) familiar with. And reality is, ultimately, far simpler than any mental representation since – to me – its nature is my nature. It is (what a thought may call) capacity and consciousness.

Even if I notice and have direct experience, that doesn’t mean I really understand it. And when it’s reflected in mental representations, that comes with all the limitations inherent in mental representations.

AS WHAT I AM, I AM A MYSTERY TO MYSELF

The mystery also applies to what I am in an even more immediate sense. Although I am inherently familiar with what I am, as we all are whether we notice or not. And although I have noticed and explored my nature for, in terms of time, more than three decades, I am still a mystery to myself.

I am the mystery. I live from the mystery. I live the mystery. Everything in my life and reality is an expression of mystery.

A CORE MYSTERY: HOW COME THERE IS ANYTHING AT ALL?

There is another mystery inherent in what I am and reality itself.

We may not be sure about the nature of reality, but we know there is something – or, at least, the appearance of something (and that’s something).

So how come there is anything at all? How come there is something rather than nothing?

To me, this mystery is baffling and my thoughts cannot even begin to touch it.

At least locally here, and probably locally other places, oneness is baffled that it exists. 

WHO AND WHAT I AM

I am here differentiating between who and what I am.

Who I am is this human self in the world with relationships, playing certain roles, with psychological parts, dynamic, and characteristics, and so on.

And what I am is what I more fundamentally am in my own first-person experience. Here, I find I am more fundamentally capacity for the world as it appears to me. And I am what the world, to me, happens within and as. I am the oneness the world, to me, happens within and as.

Note: See below for another version of this article.

VERSION TWO

Because of quite a strong brain fog following my recent health crisis, writing is not easy for me these days. That’s probably why I came up with two versions of this article, and decided to include both. Maybe between the two, something makes sense.

I can and do know some things about myself, in a conventional sense.

And I am still ultimately a mystery to myself.

WHAT I CAN KNOW

I can be relatively familiar with who I am as a human being. Over the decades, I have gotten to know many of the different parts of me, at least to some extent. I have dialogued with many of them, done inquiry on how my mind creates its experience of a wide range of things, and so on. I have explored listening to and following my quiet inner voice, and what tends to happen when I do and when I don’t. I have explored living from what’s more authentic to me. And so on. Although I am just scratching the surface (that’s likely all we can do no matter how much we explore), my maps are rudimentary at best, and there are always new contexts to understand it all within, I have some familiarity with my human self.

I am also somewhat familiar with what I am. I notice what I more fundamentally am in my own first-person experience. I find myself as capacity for the world as it appears to me. I find myself as what the world, to me, happens within and as. My nature is what’s most familiar to me, whether I consciously notice it or not. It’s what I am. It’s all I have ever known. And I have explored it intentionally and consciously for a few decades now.

THE LIMITS OF KNOWING

The word knowing seems to refer to two slightly different things. One is conceptual knowing, a knowing within thoughts and mental representations. And the other is through direct noticing of something, or familiarity with a particular terrain.

We cannot function without mental representations. They help us make sense of, orient, and function in the world. At the same time, they have inherent limitations. When it comes to any tool, including our mental representations, it’s good to know their uses and limitations.

Our concepts are always different in kind from what they are about (unless they happen to be about thoughts). They are simplifications. They may be more or less accurate in a conventional sense. Reality is always more than and different from our ideas about it. And, in a different way, reality as it appears to us always simpler than our ideas about it since it’s by nature capacity and consciousness.

Our direct noticing and experience also have their limitations. We always have limited experience and familiarity with something. There is always an infinite amount we are unfamiliar with. Life will always give us surprises, sometimes ones that turn our world inside-out and upside-down. There are always new layers, angles, and contexts.

We also tend to convert our noticing and experiences into concepts in order to remember and make sense of it. And although this is immensely valuable, it also has all of the limitations inherent in concepts.

So for all the wonders and gifts of mental representations, and for all our noticing and familiarity with something, it all has limitations and it’s good to be aware of these.

THE MYSTERY

All of it is ultimately a mystery.

I am relatively familiar with my human self. And there is always more to explore, get familiar with, new contexts to understand it within, and so on. There are always surprises. My ideas about who I am may be more or less accurate at a certain level and in a conventional sense, and who I am is always more than and different from my ideas about it. Who I am remains, in a certain sense, a mystery to me no matter what.

Life and reality is ultimately a mystery to me. No matter how much I assume I understand and know, it’s a drop in an infinite bucket compared to what I don’t know and understand. There is always more to discover. Some of it will be radically surprising to me. Some of it changes everything for me and the context I understand reality within.

To me, there is one mystery noticing or thoughts cannot begin to touch: How come there is something at all? How come there is something rather than nothing? To me, this is hugely baffling and I cannot even begin to get a grasp on it. It’s one of the mysteries inherent in all of existence.

And the mystery also applies to what I am in an even more immediate sense. Although we are all inherently familiar with what we are, whether we notice or not. And although I have noticed and explored my nature for what, in a conventional sense, is a few decades, I am still a mystery to myself.

I am the mystery. I live from the mystery. I live the mystery. Everything in my life and reality is an expression of mystery.

I AM A MYSTERY TO MYSELF

I am a mystery to myself in several different ways.

What’s undiscovered is a mystery.

What I think I know is, in reality, still a mystery.

And what I am is a mystery to itself.

And there is a quiet joy in all of that mystery. Recognizing it opens for noticing the freshness in what’s here. It opens for receptivity and gentle curiosity. It opens for resting in and as the stillness I am even when this stillness takes the form of all kinds of movement.


INITIAL OUTLINE

  • we are a mystery to ourselves
    • can know a lot about ourselves
      • who –
      • what – is what we are, already are most familiar with whether we notice or not
    • a mystery to ourselves

….

And even more so with what we are. Although we are intimately familiar with what we are, it’s ultimately a mystery to us. We are the mystery. We live the mystery.

….

Our concepts are always different in kind from what they are about (unless they happen to be about thoughts), they are simplifications, they may be more or less accurate in a conventional sense, and reality is always more than and different from our ideas about it.

….

What I think I know about myself will change over time, and it will look different with new information and new contexts. 

….

Everything is a mystery in a conventional sense, in that we are only scratching the surface on anything. We have the mystery of there being anything at all, and something rather than nothing. And as what I am, I am ultimately a mystery to myself.

And there is a quiet joy in all of that mystery. Recognizing it opens for noticing the freshness in what’s here. It opens for receptivity and gentle curiosity. It opens for resting in and as the stillness I am even when this stillness takes the form of all kinds of movement.

….

Whether we notice or not, we are a mystery to ourselves. We live that mystery. And everything in our life and reality is an expression of mystery.

And there is a quiet joy in that mystery. Recognizing it opens for noticing the freshness in what’s here. It opens for receptivity and gentle curiosity. It opens for resting in and as the stillness we are even when this stillness takes the form of all kinds of movement.

…..

Note: See below for the first draft written in generalizations. I almost always write from my own experience, and yet that draft ended up in generalizations. It makes it seem more intellectual and I also implicitly pretend I know how this is for everyone else which I don’t. It’s more honest to make it about me. Typically, I do that anyway. I am not sure why I started out differently this time. It could be the strong brain fog and disorientation I am still experiencing after the recent health crisis. (Sepsis and septic shock.)

…..

I am always only scratching the surface, no matter how much I know in a conventional sense.

What I think I know about myself will change over time. New information and new contexts will deeply shift how I see myself, others, and reality. And sometimes, new direct noticing will turn my experience of myself and reality inside-out and upside-down.

There is the baffling mystery that there is anything at all, and that there is something rather than nothing.

And as what I am, I am ultimately a mystery to myself.

….

At least locally here, oneness is baffled that it exists. 

….

I am always only scratching the surface, no matter how much I know in a conventional sense. What I think I know will change over time, and it will look different with new information and new contexts. 

……

INITIAL DRAFT

We can know a lot about ourselves, and we are still ultimately a mystery to ourselves.

WHAT WE CAN KNOW

We can know a lot about who we are as a human being. We can get to know the different parts of us. Learn to listen to and follow the quiet inner voice. Live more from authenticity. And so on. Although we typically have many misconceptions about our human self, we are also relatively familiar with it and we can get to know it better.

And we can even know a lot about what we are. We can find what we more fundamentally are in our own first-person experience. We can find ourselves as capacity for the world as it appears to us. We can find ourselves as what the world, to us, happens within and as. In some ways, our nature is what’s most familiar to us, whether we consciously notice or not. It’s what we are. It’s all we have ever known.

THE LIMITS OF KNOWING

In general, knowing happens in two ways. One is conceptual and the other is through direct noticing and experience.

We cannot function without mental representations. They help us make sense of, orient, and function in the world. At the same time, they have inherent limitations and it’s good to be aware of these.

Our concepts are always different in kind from what they are about (unless they happen to be about thoughts), they are simplifications, they may be more or less accurate in a conventional sense, and reality is always more than and different from our ideas about it.

Our direct noticing and experience is similarly limited. We always have limited experience. There is always an infinite amount we are unfamiliar with. Life will always give us surprises, sometimes ones that turn our world inside-out and upside-down.

We also tend to convert our experiences into concepts, in order to remember and make sense of it, which has all of the limitations inherent in concepts.

So for all the wonders and gifts of mental representations, and for all our experience, it all has limitations and it’s good to be aware of these.

THE MYSTERY

And all of it is ultimately a mystery.

We may be relatively familiar with our human self, and there is always more to explore, get familiar with, new contexts to understand it within, and so on. There are always surprises. Our ideas about who we are may be more or less accurate at a certain level and in a conventional sense, and who we are is always more than and different from our ideas about it. Who we remain, to some extent, a mystery to us in a conventional sense.

Life and reality is ultimately a mystery to us. No matter how much we assume we understand and know, it’s a drop in the bucket compared to what we don’t know and understand. There is always more to discover. Some of it changes everything for us and the context we understand reality within. Some of it will be radically surprising to us.

There is the ultimate conceptual mystery: How come there is something at all? How come there is something rather than nothing? To me, this is hugely baffling and I cannot even begin to get a grasp on it.

And the mystery also applies to what we are, in an even more immediate sense. Although we are inherently intimately familiar with what we are, it’s ultimately a mystery to us.

We are the mystery. We live the mystery.

Whether we notice or not, we are a mystery to ourselves. We live that mystery. And everything in our life and reality is an expression of mystery.

And there is a quiet joy in that mystery. Recognizing it opens for noticing the freshness in what’s here. It opens for receptivity and gentle curiosity. It opens for resting in and as the stillness we are even when this stillness takes the form of all kinds of movement.

NEW DRAFT / NEW ORGANIZATION

I am a mystery to myself in a few different ways.

What’s undiscovered is a mystery.

What I think I know is, in reality, still a mystery.

And what I am is a mystery to itself.

WHAT’S UNDISCOVERED IS A MYSTERY TO ME

Anything I haven’t yet discovered about myself as a human self, and anything I have not yet discovered about my nature (what I am in my own first-person experience), is a mystery to me.

And no matter how familiar I am with this, and how much I have explored it, I am still only scratching the surface. There is always further to go. There is more to discover. New perspectives to understand something within. And new context – in thought and in our more visceral experience – which sometimes turns everything inside-out and upside-down.

WHAT I THINK I KNOW IS STILL A MYSTERY

I ame familiar with certain terrains within who and what I am. I know a lot of the theories among specialists. I have maps that seem to work relatively well.

And what I am exploring is still a mystery to me.

Mental representations are different in kind to what they are about. They are simplifications. They leave out anything I am not (yet) familiar with. And reality is, ultimately, far simper than any mental representation since – to me – its nature is my nature. It is (what a thought may call) capacity and consciousness.

Even if I notice and have direct experience, that doesn’t mean I really understand it. And when it’s reflected in mental representations, that comes with all the limitations inherent in mental representations.

I AM A MYSTERY TO MYSELF

The mystery also applies to what I am in an even more immediate sense. Although I am inherently familiar with what I am, as we all are whether we notice or not. And although I have noticed and explored my nature for, in terms of time, more than three decades, I am still a mystery to myself.

I am the mystery. I live from the mystery. I live the mystery. Everything in my life and reality is an expression of mystery.

HOW COME THERE IS SOMETHING RATHER THAN NOTHING?

There is also another mystery inherent in what I am and reality itself.

We may not be sure about the nature of reality, but we know there is something – or, at least, the appearance of something. (And even appearances are something.)

So how come there is anything at all? How come there is something rather than nothing?

To me, this mystery is baffling and my thoughts cannot even begin to touch it.

WHO AND WHAT I AM

I am here differentiating between who and what I am.

Who I am is this human self in the world with relationships, playing certain roles, with psychological parts, dynamic, and characteristics, and so on.

And what I am is what I more fundamentally am in my own first-person experience. Here, I find I am more fundamentally capacity for the world as ti appears to me. And I am what the world, to me, happens withn and as.

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