As a kid, I had flashbacks to before this life.
THE FLASHBACKS
The flashbacks were to a time of all as consciousness, golden light, and a profound sense of being home.
I am consciousness and part of this infinite field of formless consciousness and infinite love and wisdom.
Within this field, there is a focal point which is “me”.
There is a sense of timelessness, although with a sense of time – and the physical world – as a whisper, almost infinitely far away.
The sense of being home is profound, far beyond what we usually associate with that word.
I remember having these flashbacks while being outside on the west side of the house with the sunlight filtering through the birch trees above me. Writing this, I am sitting inside the house just a few meters away from where it happened.
It’s difficult to put it into words.
A FAMILIARITY WITH ALL AS CONSCIOUSNESS
Looking back, I see that a familiarity with all as consciousness came with me into this life. When the oneness shift happened at age sixteen, that’s what was revealed again. All is consciousness. All is Spirit, the divine, God.
This human self and any content of experience, including any sense of being an I or observer or doer, happens within and as the divine. It’s all the play of Spirit.
All of existence – including the appearance of being a separate being – is the divine expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways.
HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE FLASHBACKS
These flashbacks can be understood as an actual memory and temporarily shifting back into it.
They can also be understood as a projection of what’s here now.
I suspect all of it may be true. It is a kind of memory. It was a shifting back into it. And it’s how it already is here and now, whether it’s consciously noticed or not.
A FEW MORE WORDS ABOUT THE FLASHBACKS
These flashbacks happened before school age. They happened, it was profoundly familiar, and I didn’t think about it or speak about it.
I did not connect it with anything related to religion or God since the way people talked about those things were very different. (I became a self-professed atheist in elementary school since I thought religion as presented to me was nonsense.)
Later in childhood, I would sometimes wake up with a profound longing in me. I tried everything I could think of to satisfy that longing, but nothing touched it. I didn’t connect the longing with these flashbacks until after the oneness shift.
OTHER SHIFTS BETWEEN
There were some other shifts between the flashbacks and the oneness shift.
What I remember are states of a profound sense of connection with the universe, with all of existence.
I watched Cosmos by Carl Sagan when I was about ten, walked out into the garden under a dark night sky filled with stars, and profoundly felt what he said: I am the universe bringing itself into consciousness. I am the local eyes, ears, thoughts, and feelings of the universe.
A couple of years later, I slept under the sky in the mountains of Norway (Sølenskaret), under a wide open dark sky filled with stars and satellites moving from horizon to horizon. Here too, there was a shift into a profound sense of oneness with the universe and all of existence. I am an expression of this vast whole.
When I was fifteen, there was another shift. On the first of January, I was outside our house talking with friends, and I experienced the world becoming distant. The world, including anything connected with this human self, was far away. This was disturbing to my human self and I went to many specialists who could not find anything. This lasted almost a year, minus two or three (?) days, until the oneness shift happened. I later understood that this was a shift into identification with and as “the observer”, and the oneness shift was a shift out of that identification too.
SIMILARITY TO NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES
When I hear Near-Death Experiences (NDEs), there is often a sense of deep familiarity.
The essence is what I am familiar with from the flashbacks – a profound sense of being home, a profound sense of love and peace, of being disembodied, and so on.
I am also familiar with the effects many describe…
A sense of awe and wonder over life and existence.
A profound gratitude for life and existence.
A sense of compassion for all beings and life.
A shift in priorities. Money, success, and status don’t seem that important. (Although now, much later in life and with a chronic illness, life has put me in a situation where I need to take it more seriously.)
Reduced fear of death. (When I was close to dying from sepsis, there was just a curiosity about what’s on the other side. The fear was of having to live with lasting damage in this life.)
A fascination with the mystery of it all – life, death, existence. The profound mystery that all of existence is.
A profound appreciation of this human life in the world. I know it’s a blip within the infinity of the consciousness I am. It’s rare. It’s a precious opportunity to experience physical life.
A profound knowing that words and thoughts cannot even begin to touch reality and existence.
A shift in worldview – to all as consciousness and oneness. (For me, that also took the form of a fascination with approximations like systems views, integral models, and so on.)
Sustainability. I have a profound interest in sustainability and playing a small part in creating a more sustainable and life-centered civilization.
Not fitting in. I have often felt I don’t quite fit in, that my experiences and path are not very well understood by many, and that society is not set up for people like me. On the other hand, when I meet others with similar experiences, there is often an immediate and deep sense of recognition and familiarity.
Psychic abilities. As a kid, I was fascinated with ESP and similar. Within the “observer” shift when I was fifteen, I noticed I could see energies, sense at a distance, and invite in healing at a distance.
DIFFERENCES FROM NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES
There are also some differences from many near-death experiences.
For me, it was all one consciousness and golden light in infinity. There was a focal point but no forms. There is also a memory of communicating with beings within this one consciousness.
This is similar to what I notice now – even the forms happen within and as the one consciousness.
Typical NDEs are of seeing – and interacting with – beings, tunnels, places, and so on, and they don’t emphasize all as consciousness. This is more similar to embodied life as it is to many.
The consciousness I am seemed to have recognized itself before this life, possibly between lives, so maybe that’s why the flashbacks are like that.
If the consciousness we are is still identified as something within its field of experience – as primarily a being – then maybe the experience is more of places, beings, and so on.
The difference may also be from the difference between before-incarnation and near-death experiences. I actually haven’t sought out other before-incarnation experiences so I am not familiar with how others report it.
FIELD AND FOCAL POINT
I find the field and focal point interesting.
In the flashbacks, and here now, I find myself as consciousness that the world – as it appears to me –happens within and as. There is no beginning or end in space. It’s infinite.
In the flashbacks, and here now, there is also a kind of center. In the flashbacks, it was formless. Here and now, it takes the form of this human self. All the sense impressions come through him, and he is a center for himself in the world.
At the same time, that center – in the flashbacks and here and now – happens within and as consciousness. It’s not what I fundamentally am. It’s part of the ephemeral content of experience.
BEING VS CONSCIOUSLY NOTICING AND REFLECTING ON
In the flashbacks, I just am all of it. There is just being.
As a kid, when the flashbacks came, I was transported back into it and into being it for a little while. Here too, there was just a being of it without reflecting on it.
Now, there is a conscious noticing of my nature and my mental field reflects it and reflects on it.
ONE WITH VS ONENESS
I should mention that there is a difference between “one with” and “oneness”.
When the states happened at ten years old and in my early teens, I suspect there was still a sense of I there. There was a sense of being this human self at one with all of existence. That, in itself, is profound.
When the oneness shift happened, it was different. Even the sense of being any kind of I was revealed as an appearance and not what I fundamentally am. What I am is the oneness taking all these forms, consciousness taking these ephemeral forms, and capacity for it all.
Capacity for consciousness and all its content, and capacity taking the form of all of it.
STATES AND SHIFTS
I should also mention that there is a difference between states, which come and go, and my nature noticing itself through and as the always-changing states and experiences.
States come and go, and the noticing remains – or can remain – through it all.
At the same time, that noticing is a state too. It’s a state of noticing. That noticing, as a conscious noticing, can come and go. It can be more or less in the foreground. It can be more or less consciousness.
There is always that noticing here, although it’s not always noticed. It’s not always conscious. It’s not always reflected in mental representations.
DIFFERENTIATION
When the oneness shift happened, my mental field understood it as all – without exception – as Spirit, the divine, and God.
These days, I like to differentiate it a little.
To myself, I am consciousness and the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am.
Any content of experience – this human self, thoughts, emotions, states, others, the wider world, a sense of me, a sense of I, a sense of an observer or doer, and so on – all happens within and as the consciousness I am. It’s all ephemeral and comes and goes, as all content of experience does.
To me, all appears as consciousness. It’s by necessity since I am consciousness and the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am.
That doesn’t mean that existence itself IS consciousness. I can say something about my own nature, but I cannot say something for certain about the nature of existence itself.
Of course, many things suggest that all of existence is consciousness, that it’s all the divine, Spirit, God, and so on: undeniable and frequent synchronicities, sensing and healing at a distance, precognition, near-death experiences, memories of life before this incarnation, and so on.
I have and am experiencing a lot of those things, and many others report about it as well, so if I were to put my money on something, it would be on all of existence as consciousness and Spirit. At the same time, I want to be honest and differentiate what I can say something about (my nature as it appears to me) and what I cannot say anything for certain about (the nature of all of existence).
A NOTE
The flashbacks were to the state described above – all is golden light, consciousness, and a profound sense of being home, and also a sense of all, the larger field, as infinite love and wisdom.
It’s a sense of being Spirit and the divine, as a focal point within an infinite field of Spirit and the divine.
Later, after and within the oneness shift, I went back into this and had some other memories. I didn’t include these above since I don’t remember it as part of the flashbacks early in life.
These are memories of other entities – wise and loving – that showed me this life I am living now. They showed me the full life and asked if it was OK with me. I said “yes” even if I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t really want to live that life, although I also did since I knew it needed to happen.
I remember seeing the whole life, that there was a clear shift about mid-life in how my life would be, and that the beings showed me that this life was important in the evolution of Earth and humanity. It wasn’t important in the sense that it was special, but it was important in that this life – along with the lives of millions or billions of others – had a role in this particular phase in the evolution of Earth and humanity.
The mid-life shift had to do with a quite different life, and of giving back to life. The first half was more about receiving, the second more about giving.
I also saw a lot of the struggles I have experienced in this life, which did not seem so attractive. I would rather not have lived it, but also knew it needed to happen and be lived.
I wonder now if the mid-life shift is moving to South America and my life there. It is certainly very different, and I am giving back to life in that I am taking care of the land and helping it regenerate, reforest, and so on.
The beings that showed me this were kind of guides. Similar to me, they were formless although had a kind of focal point within the ocean of Spirit or consciousness. We communicated wordlessly, at least without spoken words.
GREYSON NDE SCALE
I found the Greyson NDE Scale which is used to quantify NDE experiences. Even if this wasn’t an NDE, it’s close enough so it could be interesting to go through the questions.
The sum for me is about 18. From the website: A score of 7 or higher is considered a NDE for research purposes. The mean score among a large sample of near-death experiences is 15.
Sum of items 1-4 = cognitive component -> 2
Sum of items 5-8 = affective component -> 7
Sum of items 9-12 = paranormal component -> 4
Sum of items 13-16 = transcendental component -> 5
Transcendental type = cognitive component score less than 5 and transcendental component score 5 or higher.
1. Did time seem to speed up or slow down?
0 = No
1 = Time seemed to go faster or slower than usual
2 = Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Timelessness with a sense of time passing very far away.
2. Were your thoughts speeded up?
0 = No
1 = Faster than usual
2 = Incredibly fast
No memory of thoughts.
3. Did scenes from your past come back to you?
0 = No
1 = I remembered many past events
2 = My past flashed before me, out of my control
No.
4. Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?
0 = No
1 = Everything about myself or others
2 = Everything about the universe
Yes and no. I understood the nature of all of existence AKA consciousness, the divine, God, Spirit, etc. Nothing else or more specific.
5. Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness?
0 = No
1 = Relief or calmness
2 = Incredible peace or pleasantness
Yes, a profound sense of being home.
6. Did you have a feeling of joy?
0 = No
1 = Happiness
2 = Incredible joy
In a way, a quiet peaceful joy.
7. Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe?
0 = No
1 = I felt no longer in conflict with nature
2 = I felt united or one with the world
Yes, all is consciousness.
8. Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light?
0 = No
1 = An unusually bright light
2 = A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin
Yes, everything is a golden light.
9. Were your senses more vivid than usual?
0 = No
1 = More vivid than usual
2 = Incredibly more vivid
Not sure about senses. There was sight but not really any object to see.
10. Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere, as if by extrasensory perception (ESP)?
0 = No
1 = Yes, but the facts have not been checked out
2 = Yes, and the facts have been checked out
A faint sense of the universe and/or Earth going on very far in the distance.
11. Did scenes from the future come to you?
0 = No
1 = Scenes from my personal future
2 = Scenes from the world’s future
Yes, about my coming incarnation and the Earth. A sense of what would happen. I could see it as if from a distance.
12. Did you feel separated from your body?
0 = No
1 = I lost awareness of my body
2 = I clearly left my body and existed outside it
There was no body or memory or idea of body.
13. Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?
0 = No
1 = Some unfamiliar and strange place
2 = A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
Well, yes, all as the divine.
14. Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?
0 = No
1 = I heard a voice I could not identify
2 = I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
Not in the initial flashbacks, but later within the oneness shift I seemed to remember that. A group of 12 (?) consciousnesses, or focal points within the one consciousness, presenting me with my incarnation and asking if it’s OK with me.
15. Did you see deceased or religious spirits?
0 = No
1 = I sensed their presence
2 = I actually saw them
No.
16. Did you come to a border or point of no return?
0 = No
1 = I came to a definite conscious decision to “return” to life
2 = I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was “sent back” against my will.
No, although there was a decision to come into life, to come into this incarnation.